ob3y comput3r ob3y

takin'a break, takin' a break

i am beat. well actually i have some energy. well actually actually i have some seriously wound-up energy like you would not believe. i am a little tired of being planted in front of the PC i must say, i really really need to go out for a night on the town. drink some booze. dance to some stupid music. have some weird adventure... in due time, in due time (it's due goddamn time!) I can feel my belly getting rounder... Anyway, i am working hard. the name of the game these days is "revisions," not only do you do a test to get a job but then you get it sent back to you with requests for a 2nd pass. i guess that's good, at least they don't outright hate it (haha) but working on numerous things, for free, over time can wear ya down. well, at least there's a point to it.. and use.

my PC is acting up. i will be cranking away in photoshop, granted i can be ehhh "generous" with my layers.. also have a 3D app open, not a large scene mind you (but still, it's gonna chip away at memory) and of course winamp so i can listen to something. a delicate, precarious balance, for if anything else seems to be running it then seems like only a matter of time until someone's pulled out the wrong Jenga piece and --blooey-- my PC flatout resets. I've gotten quite good with saving periodically enough that I have not lost too much work, but still it's aggravating, after all of this time. "New computer?" I can hear people saying, but nah.. at least i gotta reformat this one and try a fresh-install of everything. That'll happen when I get some time, of course.. much cheaper, though, and worth a shot. Besides, even if I did have a brand-spanking new machine right here beside me, i'd still have to take a nice chunk of time to install all of my crap and customize it as well...

my patience is waning a but, but my motivation to work is still propelling me forward. I look at the work I've been doing - I know I have said this, lately.. and I can look at it and see that it is coming along well. I don't purport to be the best in the business, but i think my stuff is pretty good and I am on my way. Digital art, in it's many avenues, is certainly a strange thing to judge, between output and technique... efficiency.. etc.

Sigh. tired of talking/thinking about work. It's really become such a central part of my life in these past few years, i feel fortunate to have something to get so wrapped up in but I do miss having a life, sometimes. I know I am beyond the point of "chucking it all" and doing something different with my life, WAY past that point. My character has become beyond ingrained in my business by now, and furthermore as I've alluded to, there's so far to go (especially with such development every step of the way). But, yeah, I have to say that once in a while it is depressing to consider "is this all that there is to it?" I know how that sounds, but in some ways it can not be argued - a man is more than just a machine, part of a system, responsible for output (isn't he?) yeah so the next phase of life then, getting married and having kids. Isn't that what i just mentioned though, precisely? I am tired of the song and dance.. I don't wanna just be another name on a slot somewhere "I want my life to matter" but, yeah, it matters to yourself, at least...

don't mind me, i am just flipping out due to being endlessly cooped up here with no perceivable end in sight...

the more i dwell on it lately, the more some things in our society piss me off. what is te point, what is the point!! make money, buy shit. yeah, things are NICE, no one will argue that fact (a few may). I don't know that much of it is necessity, but it's still cool to have things like cars, clothes, music, flatscreen LCD monitors for one's PC. But then looking down the road it's an endless change for a bigger bait. keep making money, but keep having to buy more epxensive things. Is there much room in this world for people who want to just explore something different.. philosophy, education, etc.

That's another ball of wax too. There IS plenty of room for those hungy for information, in fact overwhelmingly so. The world is what it is, and there's absolutely too much of it - I am overstimulated, daily, with information. You try to put blinders on, in whatever aspect, to filter only what is relevant, and maybe that works for most people, but me - as I get older, and more sucked into the incredbly effective "information superhighway" (dated term, i know) I just feel more miniscule, insignificant, anonymous. All of that being irrelevant at the end of the day, mind you, but as I am going through information I get more and more of an idea what the world around is like, but in it's simplicity and complexity. Reassuring, then, that my "problems" are likewise rendered absolutely meaningless and relatively inconsequential, but a part of me considers how comforting it would be to be able to retreat to "ignorance is bliss." What lies down the road, then, i fear to wonder, as I soak up more and time passes. Ehhh, you get older, you deal with it. You have good times, bad times, you learn some shit/accomplish some things, forget other shit, and fail some things. Then one day you croak while everyone else does the exact same thing, but they have slightly different hats then you wore.

11pm. the hours fly by, as do the days lately, the months. In a few days January will be no more, that's remarkable... And so it rains outside, it's dark and cold, and I resume my work on things that will never matter.