Thursday, January 31, 2008

curator of the indignant

what's up blogerino's? so does anybody actually read this thing anymore anyway? i used to write in here and see hits pop up on the counter - still do, but it is erratic. besides, i don't think i know what it means (is it actual people? web spiders? etc) No matter. Just curious.

Lots of things on my mind lately. I have had a whole catalog of things to put down in here, but honestly, a lot of it sees to be spilling out of the sides of my head lately - it doesn't matter, as I will always find a way to ramble semi-coherently anyway, I just wish I was better at actually capturing my more thought-provoking points. I suppose it's not terribly relevant at the end of the day.

Things are alright. As usual I'd love to rant about work in here (I'm quite adept at that - isn't everyone?) but for the obvious reasons I will refrain. Suffice it to say work's chugging along as usual, everyone is getting along. Some things are annoying, others are fine. I am happy to keep things going status quo, I suppose. Today I mentioned to my boss how I would love to be put on the other project - after all, it's the reason I joined up with this outfit in the first place - so hopefully I will get to go over to the department in some months. Man! I wish I could start right now! Even so, fair enough, I;ll stare at the carrot awhile longer - I would be pretty excited to get onto that project! (I'd never come home.. haha) As I always say.. "we will see what happens."

Sitting at my desk at home, I ran home around 8PM - ate a salad, watched a somewhat shitty mini-documentary about the party Island of Ibiza (somewhat shitty, but not horrible.. haha). It did succeed in piquing my interest a little more, making me want to go there. It feels a little extraneous to consider that, i mean - i live in the party CITY of Hollywood, and it's already tropical "enough" here during enough months out of the year. Still if I was oozing a little money, an excursion would be nice. I am sure a place like that, and a guy like me - it would add up to a fair degree of exhaustion.

So, I feel old lately. Not terribly old, but it's getting up there. I know I write about this a bit much, but for me it is a big deal - -I sort of live in the lifestyle of someone 10 years my junior, or so, and in many ways that is an ideal setup for someone at that stage of life. But I am NOT there anymore! I will try to hold onto it for as long as I can, but I do feel like things are changing. I mean, physically, I can feel things starting to show signs of slowing down a little. Considering the amount of abuse I'll routinely put myself through, I suppose it's only a matter of time for things to start catching up with me.. and so then, I am earning it, or something. I feel really weird, though, I feel like the personality i have, and a lot of the way my life is setup, they match really well but something important - something I needed to get out of my system, yet something I can not ever really define - something got missed. I graze it still, I get little glimpses/feelings of "what I could have been," perhaps what I still could be. Well, I am still here, and I still indulge in the things that part of my personality seems to require - but it's half-assed. I am two things, two people. Not bipolar or something, it's just my id and my superego constantly giving little jibes to one another. I suppose if I gave completely into one or the other, I'd find myself either completely happy or altogether miserable - I've no idea. So I suppose that is why I keep on as I do. Ah well.

Complaining aside (don't worry, I'll always complain!) I know I feel weird as things move into this next phase and my struggles of the past seem to be less relevant. I am working at this studio nearly a year now, and it's feeling relatively secure (now that I have written it, of course it's gonna bite me in the ass!) Honestly, so many of the things in my life seem so figured out by now. Something I have always wanted for, and yet it feels very anticlimactic in a lot of ways. I fear that about life.. and everything. Danger is exciting? Does that need to be a question?

I was talking to a coworker today briefly, we were speaking about our (limited experience with) traveling. I feel ashamed to be the age I am at, and know that I've not even scratched the surface, at all, of seeing te guts of tis world. I travel a lot in my mind, you could say.. but I am quite the homebody, the workaholic. I relish my base. But now my world seems tiny. I think te last times I felt truly free were when I struck out and randomly threw myself out into the mercy of the Crazy World. I've barely done it - though I suppose I have done much more than so many other folks - but again, as I get older, I realize that my youthful energy for tackling such things is definitely slipping away, with each day's passage. I am molded into a workman's life, and I need ot have my home base - I am a material person, like it or not - but my supressed spirit wants to forget it all and go for broke. Bah -- it is all talk. I've traditionally had to be pulled away kicking and screaming. Not quite that bad, but enough that it's established a pattern.. unless something heavy is going down, then I am gonna be right here, bolted into my chair, letting the internet show me it's fucked-up version of the world.

I look at my life and my attitude and realize something about myself - I'll never blame anyone for this, it's just my own fault. I've talked to people who've had that get-up-and-go mentality before, and I suppose I have attempted it on a relatively minor scale. But it's my programming - I get older, I feel more "trapped," I worry about the consequences. I want to light a fire under my ass and just go and DO it and say damn the consequences, and examine so much more depth that way, but I can't reach that feeling, something is blocking.

I had a friend who said something crazy to me many years ago. He told me about doing acid way back in college, and it completely altered his perspective on everything. He had been sort of reserved ad uptight before that, and the drug sufficiently bent his perception enough that he realized his stubborn, small-minded bullshit was exactly that - it changed him irrevocably. I have never done such a thing, my experiences with drugs have never been any kind of noteworthy in such a manner (alcohol has always ben my drug of choice) and yet - during these times, I think of my friend's story. his relating it to me has stayed with me for years, just as the actual experience has stayed with him (though, to a much lower caliber, of course). I sort of wish I could just "flip a switch" in my head and put aside all the murky grainy weirdness that keeps me from going to that place he got to, the fantasy of it is somewhat reassuring.. like a release. But then reality sets in, and I realize the important fact - I am TOO OLD for that stuff, there was a time in my life when that might have been appropriate but at this point my cement is too dry, my experiences have too-ingrained into my actual personality. I can't really retreat to "a different self," or at least not that easily. I'm.. not sure what it is that I need to et to that next stage. It's not some pill, it's definitely not a bunch of booze (that's more of a sidestep!), it's DEFINITELY not also "keeping working and trying to make money..." Despite the ideals that are constantly preached to me. No, i don't know what it is, and I have no idea really what I need to do to find that next stage, so i will guess that as long as I keep on as I have been, I will tread water for awhile.

It's not really a worry for me, despite my tone. This knowledge keeps me young, after all - the thought that "the next stage," the step into whatever further level of maturity that awaits, has not yet come and doesn't seem to be approaching anytime soon (hmm, chalk that up to living in Hollywood, duh?) I feel like in spite of my neuroses, what doom I may speak, I know myself and my spontanaeity (oh hell, i don't know how to spell it) always sees to do something to inject just enough friction/interest/eccentricity into my life that it keeps me steered steadily on this ultimately satisfying (if frustrating) path I am on.

Late. Almost midnight. I should wrap this up soon.

Last night I had some long important involved dream.. I forget most of it. I think a big deal of it was that I was leaving LA, I think I decided to quit and get out of this place.. or at least, get out of what all was going on in my life. I got rid of everything I owned, except for my car (which was kind of a very small winnebago - sort of). I would plant the thing in the middle of a National Park Reserve, or something, and just live out alone on the land, hoping the rangers would leave me alone if it was off-season. My Dad came to visit me, in his business suit - also my friend Adam from Boston (he's never been to LA, interestingly). An odd pair, but the three of us were eating at a diner and the two of them bonded over talking about football. They were watching some Russian Catholic Football League (yeah, I know). It was a weird feeling to wake up this morning, out in the middle of that field with no more of my material possessions, just my car that I could hop in and drive anywhere, it made me feel free.

Monday, January 28, 2008

ignore the sound of your own voice - MON JAN 28

sunday eve/monday am, sitting at my PC. i spent the night eating fondue, drinking newcastle, watching the boob tube. i downloaded a stupid man's film to my xbox, but it seems to have expired since i'd downloaded it (they give you a two-week time limit, i guess it's on east coast time.. or i added a day to my memory). Instead I watched a documentary on nanotechnology, and then a 1986 interview with Dr. Oliver Sacks. Same difference, wouldn't you say?

The nanotechnology doc was an interesting one - something which I may've written of before, in here. For the uninformed, basically it's the theory that machines can be built to build tinier machines, to the point where they operate on a subatomic scale, essentially - instead of using raw materials as we know them, the materials involved would be molecular or atomic, supposedly the building blocks of our material universe (as we know) - opening up the door for creation of anything, anytime, under any circumstances, essentially. A machine which can make anything else, including another machine which can make anything else. It sounds like science fiction but for anyone who has taken any kind of general chemistry (and biology) class, then it might begin to make some sense. We are still a ways off from having such a degree of perfect manipulation, by any stretch, but it sounds like it is coming sooner than one would think.. within two decades, perhaps? One needs only to look at the climate around us to get a clue - everything is pretty miniaturized these days, even moreso than it all was 10-15 years ago. Everything is significantly smaller, yet more powerful and noticeably cheaper than you'd have thought it would be. It sounds interesting in a trivial manner, to most folks, but to a certain group of people I think this would register as not only noteworthy, but also somewhat frightening. Change is good, but too much+too soon = out of control. Things are already out of control, and though the media loves to constantly remind us how much we are pushing the boundaries in all things, this new leap forward will literally demolish boundaries or everything. There are extreme sociopolitical and economical factors at stake here. If there's machines that can make everything, for everyone, all the time - money, time, and resource not being limiting factors - then suddenly worth and value come into question. Money becomes useless. Work becomes redundant. Never mind shipping routes or oil shortages. Yeah, the problems of food shortages will be a thing of the past - and the health industry/medicine in general will undergo quite a transformation - but will this herald the onset of a golden age, or the unraveling of society as we know it?

I suppose I am speaking in somewhat grandiose terms here "the end of the world is nigh!" but there is some truth in this madness. The rapid advancement of technology is a very real thing, something which we've only glimpsed at in relatively Junior status (at best!) so far. How quickly we forget that the modern age we've been enjoying, this atomic age, is still so new, barely two generations old (even that?) Once Pandora's Box has been opened, the mind races to consider the ramifications in even the broader strokes, witness what the World Wide Web has done done to society and business globally, in it's relatively short existence (it's not 20 years old yet?) Mankind struggles to catch up, in our folly we purport to still be "in control of all of this" when in fact we are at it's random mercy.

So.. is this bad? In keeping with the rhythm, "is it our fault?" Could we have avoided this path, and whatever good (and "bad") it trumpets? It's just nature, I would argue - it's part of the program, just the next step in evolution. We are the ultimate creature born of this world, all things considered - and now it's time for our ultimate creature to follow in our wake. This always happens, or at least it's the precedent that has always been followed, so why should it be any different? The most interesting part of it to me, is that though we have got quite a fear of it (look to popular fiction, for starters), we'll never be able to break free of our programming and properly steer free of this destination, I'd say it's impossible (barring any unforseen cataclysmic forces - like a superflu or an asteroid). If anything, things such as war are the only natural global impediments to progress (it divides humanity, sets back everything progressive) yet ironically war will doubly drive business and technology, to the degree where it doesn't merely even out the race, it actually accelerates things.

I suppose arguments could be made for all I say (such is the way things go), but generally one needs only to look at history too see where we've been and what we're capable of. Not only human history, but more importantly biological history. Now is truly a special time in that there's never been such a large stake (and such a perfectly-faceted system on such a relatively large scale, within our perception), and already we have been able to witness sweeping changes in such short amounts of time.

I am not sad, or happy about any of this - it's been my lifetime, and my parents' and grandparents' lifetimes, that this has slowly been building up a good head of steam, to the point where it's been an ever-present consideration for everything that shapes all the ways we think about "the not-so-distant future." Consider people who grew up in medieval times, they would look to their elders and figure that "yeah, I will pretty much be in that guys shoes someday" - some things might be different, but overall you were looking at the model of your future life right before your very eyes. To look at old people now, we get a sense of "well, that's at least what I will LOOK LIKE.. sort of.. when I am old..", but we aren't quite sure of what shape society and business and how it will all be tied together. Depending on your age, it's easier to tell, I suppose.. lifestyle, geographical background, education, all of that - and sure, all of those things have always played some significant part in the process to varying degrees, though never to the degree of importance that they hold now.

So, to all of that, I repeat - it's the world. It's not gonna stop. It's not just people, it's just nature really. We'll keep adapting and changing, societally, philosophically, fundamentally. Whatever changes are brought about, this is all from within us, it's really inevitable and part of our spirit, whatever happens to accelerate or decelerate the process. It's not to be neither happy nor sad, it is just what it is. Frightening in some ways, optimistic in other ways, overall just very interesting. From my vantage point, I can say I am not oblivious to the fact that I was born during a particularly interesting time in human history, with a really good view of things.

I try to shake this knowledge/consideration all up in my blender of a mind, with all the other aspects of my personality - trying to keep a somewhat liquid, adaptable philosophy, as best as one can. I am not a stone, but I do need my stability, my reassurance. I think we're never really taught, generally, to completely expect the unexpected, but rather to lean on our traditions and our culture. What, then, if our culture is about constant recycling and reiteration - ad planned obsolescence?

I guess another driving force that makes me type this, is that I watched another documentary last night about affluence, that is, the material over-dependence of our society - what humble origins it has grown out of, into the top-heavy behemoth it now resembles. I am no stranger to such things, but when I hear about this stuff it makes my blood boil a little. The oil crisis, et cetera - these campaigns all champion a "change-the-world" crusade, proclaming "we are going down the wrong path, we can make changes today to save the world of tomorrow!" Yeah, sure we CAN, but will we? Counter that further with my arguments above, we honestly do not know what the next world is gonna look like, beyond a few sketches here and there. Even if we did have a solid outline, how would we conceivably reroute all the generations-old systems that have been built up, in hopes of fixing things for a brighter future? Our society is not one that rewards reservation, rather it rewards aggression, brutality (to put it simply, bluntly). Genius brutality, anyway. Our country exists as an economic superpower, all of the main powerful businesses of the world trace their lifeblood through it's arteries - without that continues progressive rhythm, things would start to crash into one another, pile up, disjoint. Yes - there would be reconstruction, there always is - but reconstruction only comes after breakdown, not avoidance. Reconstruction is the only way to truly rebuild a system which is flawed, and a system of any depth can only be halted by suspension of it's operations - and then it's subordinate operations and subsystems - to the point where "all the screws are stripped," rendering it inoperable until replacement by a similar or superior system.

These are harsh facts - again, most optimists would argue with me, I would not blame them - but I'll always point to history, to nature as my star witnesses. ADAPT OR DIE! Okay, I need to bring in my laundry while dodging the rain.

Thursday, January 24, 2008


what's up community, long long time. As usual, much business has kept me from appearing in here. As I build some lights, I'll take a couple moments to contribute, then.

Very busy for me lately, work-wise. As usual I can't get into the specifics in this rather public area, but a lot of ups and downs for me professionally, lately. Things are pretty quiet with our studio publicly, but I'll say this much - we're very busy on all fronts. I checked out the "other game" (Aliens) a little -- well, from a distance -- and it's still got my eye.. very interesting.

SO, what's up in gaming for me... well, I guess I have a lot to say. I will write on it later, but here's a quick rundown - I got my hands on Mario Galaxy, which everyone lOOooOOooOOoves, I admit it's fun (though I get tired of that stuff!). I downloaded Sega/Bizarre's demo for "The Club" shooter the other night, anxious to go home and give it a spin. Also I hear the demo for Devil May Cry 4 is supposed to be out as well. Last night the office picked up a copy of No More Heroes, a title I have been looking very forward to.. I might pick it up! As expected, it's got some nice style. There's some things I would love to change about it - I hope it does well, they need to make more games in that vein. Give me more Godhand!

Mostly I have been playing an abundance of Pacman:Championship Edition on Xbox Live. This game is completely addicting! I was a Pacman freak when I was a little kid, but that was ohh.. so many years ago (like, more than twenty!) I enjoyed a resurgence with a serious Ms. Pacman kick shortly after moving to Los Angeles, my girlfriend at the time and I would often go to the local watering hole and sit down in front of the cocktail machine and just live in front of it for a couple of hours. So when I heard of this new version I was quite skeptical, as many were. Even playing the demo, I didn't really get "the point." For whatever reason, I took the plunge and dropped my ten bucks for the full version, and yeah, NOW I see the point! It's so amazing to me how they could take such a tired, old theme and completely reinvigorate it like this, the same old game feels so fresh and new. I would love to see more old titles mined in such a way for fresh gameplay. It kind of supports my general gaming philosophy, which I have trumpted for awhile - there's lots of wonderful gameplay conventions, already established, which have been sitting around completely ignored for too long - while the general gaming scene continues to get further cluttered with countless me-too rehashes with upgraded graphics. B A H ! ! !

Anyway, yah. The game is fun. I keep looking on Live to see what else will come down the pipe in my new favorite delivery method for burst gaming - so far, too much of it seems littered with blatant Geometry Wars ripoffs (yeah the game is good but come on, do we really need eight thousand of them?) I am hoping to see more 2D-style shooters. Omega Five was an interesting Forgotten Worlds style title (though it did not feel too fun, still I appreciate the principle). Rez HD, of course, is being prepped for release (though I doubt I need it, as I have the quite-capable DC version already - and no HD system to need to punch it through). Interested in Capcom's upcoming Commando 3, and of course Bionic Commando (we'll talk on that one later!)

Tuesday, January 22, 2008


another night staring at the build status bar. hopefully to wrap soon and get out and go home. i gotta swing by my friend's place to drop off some $$$ and then head to the homestead.. my place is kind of a mess, it needs to be picked up/vacuumed/laundered/dishwashed/etc. i try, i try. i open up my living room closet and i am greeted with a tower of CLUTTER. I want it all to just go away! when i see that stuff, it makes me feel like my life is all out of sorts, everything is disorganized, i don't know where anything is - out of control. Of course things aren't that bad for real, but that's the feeling i get when i look in there.

my bedroom upstairs, by comparison - it's EMPTY. there's a bed, and some clothes. of course it's starting to get a little overflow. Since i was a little kid, i've had issues with being able to feel comfortable enough to fall asleep for the night in a completely trashy room. this is probably a good thing right? Well anyway I am surely not OCD (not nearly) about this stuff. i do wanna have a clean home base though, where all my stuff is in order - sensible, unimposing. I guess I should get my car cleaned up for that matter..

Tuesday night, the Hollywood scene beckons me. Partying is beyond old, I mean like beyond beyond old, but it still feels very tempting to just let myself go and forget my troubles and turn my brain off for a night, kind of like getting lost in a stampede. The more time I spend here, the more homey it feels to me, with all it's warts. I am not too flush with cash right now, so I am gonna give my urge the benefit of the doubt that it won't *MAKE* me go out (that's right). Wish me luck. For now, I gotta hop in the car and hit the road.. tomorrow is another day.

Monday, January 14, 2008


ohh boy! coming into another phase of blog neglect, i suppose. that's fine. keeping an online journal is a pretty dumb thing to do anyway, if you think about it.

um, so life is very busy lately. yeah it always is, so no news there. some stuff i can't talk about in here is fiercely occupying me (well, i guess i'll say it's job-related and leave it at that). Otherwise things are pretty much going along as they normally do. My girlfriend started back at school last week, so i took my cue and went out on the town for a couple of nights (hey, it had been awhile!) I was quite wound up and raised some hell for a couple of nights, thankfully i kept the madness to a minimum. Going out = always fun, and though the novelty is long since worn off, it was good to go out and feel like it was still out there waiting for me. classic times, certainly. though on wednesday, i made it out to boardner's just a liiittle too late - it's the wednesday night spot, and i didn't show up till past midnight as i was at a karaoke bar up the street (no singing for me though). So i got stuck in line with the locals, waited about 20 min or so before giving up and heading elsewhere. Which is fine - i had my crazy night the previous evening.

But waiting in line still took it's toll. it made me feel OLD. I may not look like an old gy, but i certainly start to feel the part at times. listening to the kids in line ranting about waiting tables and stuff, and realizing that they're all... sigh.. i don't wanna think about how many years my junior they were. Mind you I am not old YET, but it's definitely past my mid-twenties by a longshot, brother...! To cheer myself up I hit a couple other little local places - they were dead, but they were friendly, and it was late, and I didn't feel like heading home JUST yet as my engine'd got all revved up at the karaoke place. You know what - seeing myself type this, right now, as it is it fills me with drive and vigor. It's only Monday but i could go for another week of the same. I WON'T (there's actually responsible things I must take care of!) but i do feel the desire to let Hollywood have it's way with me, some more.

Well, I guess I will be in vegas in a few days and I will be able to exhaust my stupid demons at that point. (Exhaust, not exorcise...)

Not much [artying for me these days anyway. Gotta save up money, and I am gonna be sinking in to much heavier work schedule as well. I need to unwind here and there to balance it (if i become one hundred percent work-machine-maniac, with no release, then I just become steeped in pointless-feeling misery). We have our animal sides, and they have to come out - I get tired of denying that, though as I get older, I do feel like it gets denied more and more. That pisses me off!

My health is mostly fine, though I can feel myself getting a little funky. My body has changed a bit the past 5 years, it's not "old!" but it's feeling worn from my lifestyle and mental state, and i can see how it's reflecting that. I have always been kind of lean, not necessarily "in shape" but never a fat ass, and i feel like i am encroaching on fat ass territory more and more. my diet and lack of exercise are doing little to resist that. My attitude is "there's just not enough hours in the day!" and i get more and more careless as time wears on. It's difficult - I have a lot of pressure and that kind of maintainence is just one more log to throw on the fire. I need to yank myself back into that direction, as it really IS one of the most important aspects of anyone's life - rather than continue to take it for granted, as I do. I don't know what to do -- well, i DO know, i just don't know how to find the drive in myself again. It's got to start somewhere, is all I know. I like to think I have not begun to approach the point of no return.

My girlfriend and I are arguing lately, and I am not sure why. It's not bad, but considering we have not argued at ALL the past year and a half (or so), it's been a little more frequent I guess. I am not sure what it means - I think we are hitting a phase where we've been together for a certain amount of time, and though we definitely enjoy our quality time together (more so, I would say!), I feel like we're sort of pushing on one another's boundaries a bit more to see what will happen. It's not really as.. playful or insignificant as I make it sound, but I have to say it feels like a natural thing in some ways. Not growing apart or something like that, just getting to another level as time passes and trying to deal with one another in.. a more closer way, if that makes sense. I won't lie - being in a relationship, anyone would have to agree, it is NOT the easiest thing in the world.. unless you are both completely stupid and simple people. Anyone who is involved with any other person over a prolonged period of time, of course they are going to have periods where they push each other's buttons for whatever reasons.

I've been through it before, of course, but each time (with each person) the dynamic is different. I guess that's part of me, also - when I am involved with someone, especially after "the honeymoon period" is wrapped up, I tend to get hazy on some big aspects of the previous relationships. Like, a lot of the stuff "how to deal with significant others from the past" gets blurred and feels irrelevant. I don't know quite how to explain it, and i guess the upside of that is that there's more novelty each time (says Ron the otherwise completely jaded person).

It's a little strange to write about relationship stuff in a public place like this, not that many people will ever view it (though some relevant people certainly will) - and I have been in hot water for such things before - but it is important to me, and what's up with my head right now, and I believe that so long as things are handled properly and (well.. without getting into particular details) than anything is fair game, eh? Believe me, there's a part of me that just wants to spit every detail of everything that goes through my head and my heart into this blog, but of course you can't really do that - but I'll take what I can get.

almost 8pm, I intended to get further with my work today (it was productive, anyway) however it is late and I need to meet my friend in Santa Monica. So, I'm off.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

nummy nummy

Thursday, January 03, 2008

so that’s what makes it so

damn, january. enero. time to start all over again, again.
i am tired of new year's'es. they just keep coming and feeling less and less new each time. it's a tired old routine. i am a whiny old curmudgeon. Bah! screw you all for being alive! I hate puppies, kittens, and balloons!

just kidding. i am feeling gassy and sleepy. i am lighting things all day long and it's making me a little antsy. i have about another hour's worth to go and then i need to haul home and play bioshock all night (don't ask). I have been back two days and already feels like i never left town... it's nice to be back home of course, to deal with the ever-present business.. but still.. doesn't take away my need to actually have some kind of a relaxing vacation. that longed-for "getaway to escape it all." Damn it is thursday night (already), that means it's the first Beauty Bar of the 2008 right? No, it's been a little bit of a while, already... but I will hold off for a little while still, i guess.

the holidays are behind me and that's a good thing. holidays are alright but they are really all about running around and stressing over buying presents and wrapping presents and delivering presents and not messing up presents and being able to afford presents and avoiding crappy crowded shopping malls and insane santa clauses and really hungry and sad-looking homeless people with just one arm, half-passed-out by the freeway exit who it's increasingly hard to ignore these days. Yes, it puts things in perspective (the city is cold and hateful at times). We haven't many unsightly homeless folks in OC anyway (i guess they round them up and deposit them Downtown in the alleys). Anyway holidays = DONE and that's all good with me. I can sit back and let my coffers try to refill ever-so-slightly. Oh OKAY V-day is approaching but otherwise it's all quiet. Chill out Ron. Just chill out. My own personal holiday is fast approaching (g-r-o-a-n) but soon that will be past as well and then I can put that sadness out of my mind. I am tired of birthdays, tired I say! I think this is my last one where I can still feel even relatively CLOSE to (legally) feeling like a kid. Somewhat.

There's a lot of things bouncing around in my brain as usual. We got back back from Boston, the trip went alright and my folks and girlfriend all met for the first time, I am sure there'll be a little fallout from that but overall things went over as well as could be expected. Both camps seem to have been fairly respectable enough of one another with a minimum of faux paus being commited, so I can relax a bit (well, such as it is). I came into my office yesterday AM and there were no pink slips waiting for me on my desk so again, a further sigh of relief (sigh, sigh). No ticket on my car 'cause of streetcleaning. No blood in my stool. My throat is a little sore (and coughing up the occasional green goblin, but nothing too terrible) and I haven't yet weighed myself.. AND my apartment's not yet burned down. All is well with the world.

The weekend looms already and I can't believe it - tomorrow is really already Friday? My plans for the weekend are Nil, though I have plenty to occupy me work-wise, across the board. I bound back into the mode and there's heaps of thought and planning and much decision making to do, and already elbow-grease required of me. The weekend coming will not be any more relaxing, but that's fine as I am itching to find something new and worthwhile to wrap my workaholic/creative urges around.


Lots of interesting thoughts pass through my head lately, and lamentably I haven't committed many of them to paper (err, to .doc form). Or perhaps, better for that. Anyway, I was thinking a few weeks ago, it might be kind of fun to be chased by a big truck. WHAT you ask, WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT THAT? Well just listen. I was making a round of the office park during a break at work, just as a big truck came through the drive, and sort of crept alongside me. It was slowly traversing the narrow thru-way, and I watched my step but also noted how constricted the powerful beast was. Yes, if it wanted to truly crush me, it could certainly have a difficult time. Being a small single pedestrain, I can easily outmaneuver such a vehicle - while it has me beat in speed and mass, I can quickly and easily change direction, and I am more adept at dealing with uneven terrain. So then - YES I think it would be sort of fun to be chased by a truck. It would be fun on a bike or maybe a skateboard as well, but for pure thrill I think on-foot would be ideal. There's always going to be that ever-present danger that you could blow it and get completely throttled by the thing, but if you are even the tiniest bit wily (and, environment is not too difficult to navigate) then it shouldn't bee too hard.

Now let's examine a little further for a moment, and then I will get off of this. A big open field - you win. This is the easiest situation. The truck can work up speed and charge you, but if you start darting out of the way even as he closes in, then he's screwed since he'll need to wide-turn to nail you. Doing so would compromise the truck-driver's control, and if he did pull such a move then he might flip his rig (mind you, all this time I have been talking about a HEAVY TRUCK, like tractor-trailer combo - of course smaller trucks could easily kill you). Anyway, a steep incline is also (usually) in the pedestrian's favor. But now if you have a closed-off environment, with gates and walls and fences and stuff? Now things get interesting. The ped could get cornered and flattened up against the wall. I am not even considering the fact that the truck WOULD NOT have to remain completely intact while killing the ped. Even so it would not be too difficult. Depending upon the abilities of the ped, they could possibly take advantage of the obstacles and trick their pursuer into trapping itself - but if the person was of average athletic ability, then the odds are not in their favor.

Anyway, so there's my Truck-Chasing Fantasy. Could make for an interesting videogame, I suppose, but really the true thrill would come from real life. Oh well, I'LL never try it..

This brings up another thought, Lion Chasing Exercises. I mean, exercising is boring, though one can get into the rhythm I suppose - but other than the motivation to increase one's fitness, what's the point? Now. if a LION was chasing after you, that would cause you to run, for REAL! I mean, if you chill out, you're just gonna get mauled (at best!) or eaten. Unlike the truck, the lion doesn't have to worry about carefully navigating the terrain, it can just run around and pounce on you, so long as it can catch up to you. You'll be so busy running and trying not to be caught, that you wouldn't have TIME to be bored - no one is bored when they are in danger of having their flesh ripped off and eaten! This is complicated, though - the lion is most likely faster and more agile than most people it could chase, I'd assume (tigers, more so). I don't know, you'd probably need a slower lion. How fast do bears run? Are there slow ones? Not lumbering bears, but like.. jogging bears? Those things are mean and will eat you, I suppose, but you don't really picture bears vaulting across the serengeti like you would a lion or some other big cat. Anyway, a really good way to get in shape, but only for short bursts, because sooner or later you would probably end up getting caught and eaten, so I think I will pass on this as well.


Well, I should end this by relating my very disturbing dream from last night. Honestly I don't really like to bring it up since it was pretty unsettling, but it's interesting to go back and read this stuff down the road as I tend to forget some of my weirder dreams. If you are squeamish and don't like to read upsetting things, you might wanna skip the rest of the blog entry -- Anyway I had this long and involved dream last night, I forgot about 95 percent of what went on, but I seem to recall a lot of running around and drama and all of that. Not very happy, just busy and trying to take care of all of my business, that sort of thing. In so doing, I got really neglectful of my house (in my dream, I owned a house with a pool). For the most part, things looked fine (and I made sure, usually, to keep it that way) but there were some things that were a little much for me to keep tabs on.. specifically, the pool. I didn't really WANT this pool, but they sold it to me and it had this whole weird Food Generation System which really creeped be out (it would use algae that grew in the pool and convert it into an edible food source somehow). I didn't really want to deal with all the maintainence involved as getting my food that way just seemed kind of gross, so I sort of ignored it and let the automatic pool maintainence device process and clean (and supposedly eliminate) all that stuff. Also it functioned as a Pet Care system, you'd put your pet into a small long tube that connected to the Food Cleaning/Distribution system and it would relieve you of the duties of caring for the thing. Not that I would ever do this in real life, of course, for anything above say.. a fish or reptile, but in my dream it was designed for dogs and cats and things. I examined the tube, not remembering if I even HAD a pet (or knowing what it even was!) and wondering how it was doing being sustained in there. I pulled back the sealed-off portion to view down the tube, which still would maintain a barrier between outside and inside, and looked to see what was down there. Something small and furry scurried down to my end, as the pool deposited the "food" there and it must have been feeding time - to my horror, I realized this was some kind of rodent. Not quite the cat, dog or hamster I was expecting, but some "unclean creature" which had thrived inside the pool system. It devoured the food as I watched it's short pointy tail spiking up and down - and I realized that this was not just a rodent but some bizarre unnatural nutated creature, at that. It looked very much like a rat, but it had extra sets of eyes on it's head - normal rat eyes, two big saucer-looking eyes on top of those, and weird Giger-esque squinty alien eyes alongside it's head - and no pupils (of course!) Disgusted, and horrified, I tried to close the viewing chamber (we were still separated by a plastic barrier, but it was not sealed to the air) and I wondered if this thing had actually EATEN whatever pet I tried to house in that horrible tube. As I tried to close the barrier, the rat effortlessly detoryed the plastic partition and freed itself from the tube, then fell to the floor and scampered into the backdoor of my house.. followed by several of it's bretheren. Anyway, I was about to start panicking when my eyes shot open and I woke suddenly from the nightmare, kind of sickened but happy it was not reality. Snapped out of it and got ready for work. So yeah, good day!

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

cut scene

3::49am, just arrived back at my parent's house in the 'ham. Not a terribly cold new year's (as some have been in the past), and certainly quite a mellow one (well... for the most part - but definitely compared to some wild ones in the past, as far as puking out of speeding cars and kissing random drunken chicks in the streets and all of that goes). Ah, youth.

We went to Jon n Adam's place, Adam and his girlfriend were way too kind to us and cooked up a helluva meal. Some of the tastiest food I have had in awhile (yeah, my Mom cooked us quite a nice dinner the other night as well). It was a small get together, but good to see some faces whom I have not been in contact with in quite a long time. Of course before long we pulled out Rock Band (yeah I know it is getting cliche) and belted out for awhile, whew I get a sore throat after some sessions of that. It's all good fun though.

And now we're home, and it's shortly past midnight back in LA. I am sure all my friends back there are livin' it up wild-style, though we were rather sober this particular New Year's. (yeah, me, the partier, staying dry on one of the biggest get-tanked nights of the whole year... hahaha). That's fine.. when I am home with my old gang, I'd prefer to keep it from getting nuts so i can actually remember these good times, rather than know it happened but lose all the details - as so often happens when I cut loose...

Flying back to Los Angeles tomorrow evening, and I suppose back to work on the next day. Sigh. I am not ready to go back! I need another week to unwind - kick up my feet and take it easy and relax and be left the heck back! It feels weird to think of that though. it feels weird to think of what is up next - even if it is normal. This past year has flown by too quickly, it feels too strange to believe it is 2008, that 2007 has whizzed by just like that. It was a bizarre year in my life, just like most of them have been, a lot of memorable moments - some exciting ones, some quite stressful ones. Just a year I kind of wanted to put behind me in some ways, though it wasn't necessarily "a bad year." I don't know what to expect of the coming one - I try not to have hopes, or outlandish desires and dreams of what will come. I yearn for more stability, but still crave the excitement, the novelty, something to jar me. Sigh - we will see.