cruller tactics

whew, 3:30 in the afternoon. I, for one, feel like ass. ASS, not AN ass. the last couple of days my body's been fighting off something, but I think I have half-succumbed to it - I woke up this morning feeling feverish, with chills. As the day's worn on, I definitely feel better, and hey - I DID get a good amount of sleep last night, after I finally did pass out. But one thing is for sure, my body is sending me a message - I need to relax, a little. I need to just rest a bit. I have been pushing myself pretty hard and it's wearing me down.

I had a big fight with my girlfriend last night - honestly, that doesn't happen very often, but when it does, it is definitely more of the "big blowout" type. I think we two are the sort who have little things pile up and bother us, over time - and we just brush it aside, or ignore it generally. Of course, that stuff festers inside of you and then --BLAM-- it will come out in a big fireball. Already I was feeling rather gross last night and not in the mood for any kind of arguing, but of course that shit's just gonna happen sometimes., and you just have to sort of deal with it. Strangely, I actually welcome that stuff sometimes - I think I am generally awful about communication in my relationships, and it's really something that I have a problem with (as far as my own character) - so when we have blow-outs, I find it hard to be generally pissed at her, as it's definitely my own fault for letting my shit build up as well, and the way I will act as a result. So when we do have it out, I tend to get shit off my chest, and the person i am with now - well, she ain't perfect, but one of the great things about her is that after she calms down a little (admittedly, that is kind of a tough part, at the time..) then it becomes really easy to talk to her, to relate - she is very understanding. It's a shame that we have to go through such hell to reach that point, but again that is due to the nature of conflicts within our personalities. Still, the payoff makes it worth it. What does that mean for our future? It's hard to say, especially since a lot of the stuff we end up talking about - namely, our frustrations and incompatibilities - often point towards the likelihood that our relationship either needs some bigtime work, or it could be doomed. that's not an easy pill to swallow, but it still is preferable to the alternative (like I said, just keeping all that fire inside and letting it sit there). 'Cause THAT, my friends, is one of the most aggravating things in my day-to-day life. I guess, the point is, even though we argue at times like this, it definitely ends up pullling us closer together, and reminding me of the good reasons that i am in a relationship like this.

Something else which I have alluded to in the past, is how I am changing as I get older - I am not totally sure of the depth of it, but I can see things in my brother and I, which we've got from our father, and no disrespect to either of 'em, but it's troubling to me - I have definitely become more neurotic the past few years, and it's not exactly a healthy thing. Neurosis has it's place, and I am proud to have figured out ways to use it positively in my life, but then when I look at some parts of my life (in this case, the relationship troubles) I can see where it's more messed up, more out of my control than I would say I feel comfortable with it. And that's why I can feel a little relieved to have pulled away from that neurosis a bit, in light of all I've just said (being able to talk things out, and lay on the table some of the more, errr, idiosyncratic feelings and issues I have been having). I've always thought of myself as a fairly easygoing guy, but not so much so that I would let my shit go unchecked, really - which is kind of a delicate balance, i'll admit, but something about myself which I admire. Well, i hold it with a certain amount of pride, but the last couple of years I have suddenly felt that pride slipping away and replaced with --- well, the neurosis! Anyone who follows the events of my life will probably not be too hard-pressed to see how such feelings could develop (look specifically at my job history, my romantic circumstances) and couple that with the background I came from (I was pretty low on the self-esteem scale for so many years, to begin with) and the picture gets a little less fuzzy.

It's probably a little strange to write about this stuff in a semi-public forum (yeah, this spiel again...) but it is important for me to put these words down, knowing the things I am going through in my life at this moment. I may be a bit of a drama queen, or whatever, but it's definitely a period of some weird disturbance, exciting or otherwise - and it's reassuring to have points like this where I have achieved some degree of clarity about myself and my issues, and positive steps I have taken to working with them, as well the people around me. It's important to me, useful, and someday when I am into some other weirdness it will be helpful for me, reassuring to dip back into this period of my life and reflect on this feeling.

Alright, i gotta take a shower and get to work.