i beat my inner child

tired. it's been a helluva week (again, and again, and.. again). Forst of all, my place reeks of Garlic. I went to my number one Armenian Muthafuckin' Joint tonight Zankou chicken, and I got the usual - beef Schwaerma with Garlic Sauce - I alwas plow through it and when it's gone, i think to myself hot DAMN, I could do it all over again right now! So tonight, as a bit of a reward to myself for various reasons, i bought two of the damn things, and engulfed them one after the other. Well, sorta. Apparently, the Single Sandwich idea was the proper one, as I got about 1/4 into the second one before my appetite began to diminish. I made it about three-quarters through the Second Schwaerma before my lust for consumption got the kibosh, yo. The remains sat on the plate in front of me for the better part of 90 minutes, or so, as I watched a divx on the telly, uhm, yah.

The movie wasn't so hot. but. I need some time splayed out on my couch, no, SMEARED on my couch like so much cheese sauce, just staring unthinking like some lethargic crustacean, Yes, that sounds somewhat closer to appropriate. Let us restart, shall we.

So I have been working on my freelance gig for just a little more than a month now, and yesterday I wrapped up te end of it. And then today we had our kind of "see ya, all set" meeting to close the book. So, it is done, and I am thrust back into the realm of Free Time.. no more excuses "can't go to the gym," no more dilly-dallying "sorry Matt I haven't time to make a logo for you," no more procrastinating "my apologies, girlfriend, but i must spend all of my waking hours in front of this infernal machine."

And yet.. the job was good to me, when I started it there was little feeling other than "this is a pain in the ass that I do not feel like doing, how can I even pretend to be enthusiastic about working at home, well working at all really, in this godforsaken unforgivin' shit-industry to any degree anymore.." And honestly, I still managed to get into it, got my file-structures all legible, my long-mothballed home methods of getting some shit done back in some sort of order, and I -- gulp -- enjoyed it, for what it was worth. Moreover, I got paid yesterday at LONG FUCKIN' LAST, to add non-insult to lack of injury I received my other check from the stupid stock options today (which I have been trailing for, literally, MONTHS). Needless to say, now one can understand why it was important for me to purchase Two Schwaermas this evening.

And now my belly hurts, and bad garlicky farts come out of my butthole. Take that, Vampires.

And so, I am a little melancholy tonight - yes, that word's extremely appropriate for how I am feeling right now. Lord, I'm tired. Lord, I don't rightly b'lieve in ya, but I sure like using your name to begin a sentance, for effect. But honestly, I am.. TIRED, I am a worn-out sack o' moldy potatoes, yessiree. So I spoke with the studio in NYC today, not my job interview (yet) but more of a mini-Pre interview with te HR person over there. I will have the actual more interviewy interview tomorrow, and it's.. well, it's a mixed feeling in my head, in my heart. the same things I have bitched aboout in here, in recent months, it's definitely getting closer to some kind of bittersweet reality. I am not a dumb little ignoramus anymore, to the same degree anyway, and so I know all the shit that's to lie ahead if i go through with this thing. I really wsh I could just fucking lighten up about it, I am having one of those times in my life where I am feelin absolutely sorta untethered, completely dependant on my own whim. What a powerful, freeing feeling, but the flipside of that is that it's also sort of crushing when facing the reality of it. To be honest, my mental state is sort of whisked back in time 7 years, to where my mind was at when I decided to ditch all the shit and come out to Los Angeles to begin with. Now I am facing a possible bookend to it all, and so all the ups and downs of this whole rollercoaster experience are kinda bubbling about within me. Really, part of me WANTS to just level the damned playing field, shove a gun up it's tokus, let fly and not look back. I spent a couple of minutes in Sherman Oaks for some business this afternoon, and it just reminded me of the Ron i was not too terribly long ago, but then again my life was so damned different, in a lot of ways. I had no idea what was in store for me here, and now I feel the same way albeit a litte wiser.

And you know, sitting here, in my little workspace area of my apartment, I look around at what this place is, what it represents - the culmination of the past few years of my life, again building up from scratch some more. I remember (partially) all the nights walking home, lonely, from the bars on Caheunga to my places in Los Feliz, the whole town just there for me, only for me, as the rest of the world was long since asleep, silently. Wondering where I was going, eventually, what I was building towards. The past few jobs I had taken, moving my shit into this office or that corner, "well, I suppose this will be mynew home, for awhile..." Each time, never wanting to get to comfy, but you ALWAYS do, it's natural - with your space, with your friends, with your business. your relationships, your feelings. And now I am here on Chula Vista, I have been here just over a year, we always joke "Ron moves pretty much once every year" and the shitty joke comes to rear its head at me once again. But even more shittier now.

Well. I sent out a bunch of messages for jobs today. I got some more contacts - I am still trying. If someone gives me a fair shake and their shit is somewhat spot-on, I will certainly see about sliding into whatever they can fit me into. but if there's nothing doing in this town of "too busy to care" no-names, then I haven't much choice but to see about taking my business elsewhere, really. I'm gonna be 32 years old in a few weeks, it's long-overdue that i started feeling like my life was getting somewhat on the ball. Don't you think?