whoa, trippy

yeah, well, i just wrote that other entry last night/early this morning, and i am not the type to fill this thing with info every chance i get, but if i got something on my mind, then might as well, eh? Okay, so this requires a little bit of setup, this is certainly one of the weirder things i will write, that's for sure. I've been under a bit of stress lately (heh what else is new!) about all things in my life, i've been keeping VERY erratic hours and either sleeping way too much (not THAT often!) or not nearly enough.. case in point, I think I went to be a little over 3 hours ago. And, American Movie Channel seems to keep playing Back to the Future at odd times, and i have caught the very beginning/end more than a couple of times over the past week. All that being said, then...

I am a "strange dreamer," I have written entries into this journal previously recounting some of the episodes, lately in particular. Usually when I am in my dream state, it's like most of my brain is turned off - logic is completely thrown out the window, often I will spend much of the dream with a different identity altogether, sometimes being different people during different parts of the dream. the logic is often that this is not "unnatural" in that world, and never seems unusual to me at the time. Also it's not bizarre for my dreams to just be out and out, uhh how to put this, "fuckin' crazy-nuts," yeah.

Furthermore, once in awhile (a GREAT while.. to the tune of like 3 or 4 times, in my life) I will have some sort of dream that's just so lucid, so bizarre, that it effects me on a slightly deeper and more profound level, not quite like that of an actual experience but when I wake up it will definitely make me feel as if i have almost sort of been "elsewhere," or literally been in an altered state of mind (wth no artificial influences, anyway.. perhaps the stress/poor sleeping habits contribute). i've never taken any psychedelic drug or any of that sort of thing, but a slight few of these dreams I will consider to possibly be approaching what i'd expect to be a similar state -- i know I've written of this all before, so I will just get on with the damn dream then, 'specially before more of the details start slipping from my grasp.

Alright, so to dive right in.. in this particular dream, it was not quite the future, not quite the past - definitely a mix of both, but overall it felt like the 1960s or 70s or something, I was this kinda rocker/partier/gangster guy or something. I hung out with this band of ne'er-do-wells, all we would do was party with lots of crazy gals, lots of stoners, and uh.. maybe a few criminals, I guess it basically felt like Boogie Nights without the Porn Business, if you get my drift. Anyway i was some sort of down-on-his-luck Has Been at a get-together with my friends, we were getting messed up at a party with the plan to commit some act of burglary later in the evening. We (3 or 4 of us) ducked out, hopped into a car and made over to some local high school or something, I forget what it was that we'd been burglarizing/stealing but at some point we were past the act and there was a bad scene in a locker room or bathroom. there was the ringleader guy, me, some other very weak/whiny/wimpy guy, a no-name, and like.. Dicky Barrett from the Mighty Mighty Bosstones (yeah, for real). Something had gone wrong, or this was part of the plan, but for some reason - either me or the wimpy guy had to die at the other's hand, or our own, right now. I was very calm about it - not wanting to die, but i accepted my fate. the wimpy guy was absolutely hysterical breaking down, he kept saying "yeah yeah yeah I will do it" but he couldn't bring himself to use te gun on either himself or me (I might mention that the whole thing was a rigged set-up to bring about this situation and, hopefully, kill that guy - previously known to all but but himself). This poor SOB, though constantly falling apart and crying, had all the power in the world as he actually had the gun - but the last time he broke down, I grabbed the gun and shot him dead. The rest of us were relieved but we knew that we hadda get the hell out of there, ASAP. We torched the place and blew it up, or something.. anyway my buddy (ringleader) and I were fleeing the scene late in the night, he was driving some old Camaro or something, with this like... Old black waitress seated beside him, i forget if she was a transient or hitcher or something, either way she was innocent and not keen to what was up. We'd been away from the explosion all of a minute and there were hordes of cops already all over us, so the wheelman was tearing down the neighborhood streets like a man possessed. The roads were treacherously icy, it was not long before we spun horrifically out of control and into worse condition - I think we had a head-on with a snowplow and then set spiraling into some house's garage, which we just smashed nearly completely THROUGH, the car shot half-out the other side and the other half perniciously dangling over a long-drop cliff edge. MANY police cars were pursuing us, and they all apparently met the same fate, but as they had more speed/mass then we did, their fate was worse, as they'd each careen into us and then right past us and down the cliff's steep chasm, to bury far beneath in the snow somewhere.

this part of the dream was very frightening, I felt this primitive and very real fright of "is this it, am i about to die?" Each time another car hit us I could feel our own car's frame being mangled more tightly around me, crushing me - and looking into the front seat I could see my two accomplices were already done for. So basically everyone was screwed except me, cops/fellow criminals/whiny guy, everyone. I was sure I was gonna buy the farm as well, but somehow there was JUST ENOUGH room to squeeze out of the car, and just enough of the garage left for me to escape from. So I made out into the snowy night and the whole thing pretty much burned up behind me, secure in the knowledge that i would be preetty much taken for dead and therefore free to wander as a fugitive without fear of being looked for (due to the dubious activities I had just been involved with).

this is where more of the fucked-up dream logic kicked in.. I was no longer quite "me," i was watching the scene on a TV or something, the burning house.. .it pulled back ad the scene rotated the entire image to show the perspective as some weird, abstract, formless painting. the painting then shifted and rotated back into a "real scene," and though the place was the same, the time seemed not to be.. nor were the characters. Overlayed over the scene after this rotation were simple icons of the characters (me, the waitress, the wheelman, some others), kind of like a "character select screen" for a videogame, you knew it was coming, haha. Anyway so the scene shifts and I am back inside as this same guy, but now the world is different. i am walking in the same area (near the garage we'd just smashed into) only none of that had happened in this world yet, it felt like some 20 years would have to pass first or so. Might i also mention that this street "felt" like the street I lived on when I was born and for the first 4 years of my life. I was wandering around, cognizant of this, and that i had been the part of some terrible thing which would not happen for a long time, if at all. I realized, also, that my body had changed with this timeshift, I was now a little kid though with my memories (mostly) intact. I'd look in the miror and see my usual adult self, and speak and likewise talk like normal, but to others they would only see the kid version, and hear me speak likewise. It was sort of frustrating, but a good enough disguise I guess.

Anyway, the following segment was a little blurry, but somehow I came under the care of an ex-girlfriend of mine (from real-life, and now I was sort of my Real Self mixed with this Dream identity). I stayed with her and she considered me to be some kid she had to look after, which sort of bothered me but at the same time I hadn't much choice so i went along with it. I was trying to figure out what year it was (which turned out to be VERY difficult, as things were hard to read.. they often are, in dreams) but I didn't want to come out and say it to anyone as they'd think I was truly nuts "what year is it?" Eventually I decided to confide in my ex-girlfriend, who in this time period I would not even meet for many years yet anyway (though, strangely, she was already an adult by now). She had found some notes I had written about the crash/etc and thought I was just being an imaginative child, but then I started telling her about all sorts of things I couldn't possibly know had I not dated her, and this started to convince her (though she generally seemed to take all of this with a grain of salt). As I'd been a failed rockstar in the future period, I planned to use my knowledge of what'd happened in the world before that/after now to get rich (predicting fads, that sort of thing.. I could write music that I'd know would eventually get popular, etc).

But as I relayed my story to my ex, the perspective of the dream changed again, pulling out to the TV/abstract canvas/character select screen. The reality shifted again, upsettingly, only now I was back at the part from the opening act of the dream, earlier in the same night just before the big crime drama took place.. and I was once again my original self, with one thing to notice, there were now TWO of me. The me that was.. well, me starring in the dream, and the other, time-appropriae me, that had been there partying in the first place, oblivious of all that was to come (death and car crashes, etc). I decided two things - I had to warn my cohorts not to go ahead with the plan as they'd all die, and 2. that I should DEFINITELY not come into contact with my earlier-version self, or bad things would probably happen. This was pretty funny, as I kept nearly knocking elbows with him/me, except I kept a low enough profile that he never realized we were wearing the exact same clothes and had the same face. Anyway I found the stoner/ringleader guy, and tried to coerce him away from the rest of the party to another room (which was very difficult!) to try to warn him about the future, call the whole thing off. It was pretty hard to drag him away/get him to settle down as he was in full-on party mode.. anyway I got his attention at last and started to try to explain just what had been going on, when i realized that if I changed the future, I would cancel out the events that led me to appear here in the past, and probably paradoxically remove myself from existence? I stated to warn him that i didn't know the rules, i might suddenly disappear, etc. but that he should call off the whole plan for tonight, it was gonna go all wrong and we'd all die - he started to sob and then, VERY strangely, i woke up. Not a sudden shocking wake like always happens to me, but just a like a very quick scene-change "oh, i am Ron again" -- my eyes carefully opened and my bedrom faded in around me, and I in a cold sweat to boot, and the fleeting feeling that I'd just had one bizarre goddamn timewarp dream, wihich I'd better write down before I forget.

As I get to committing the end of this, I realize it just looks like another "weird dream" as I'd said, but the fact is that there's some things which can not be properly conveyed with only words, and that's the extra bizarre feeling I had throughout the entire dream till the point where I woke up. And now, i gotta eat something and get to work, so pardon me.

i'm making sexy go away

dammit it's goddamn f-ing wednesday ALREADY??? How is time flying even for time flying already as badly as it already was? Yeah okay i know by now, i have complaining about "the increasingly speedy passage of time" rating as one of my most-complained about things in this blog here (and mind you, I seem to discover many things fit to complain about herein), but even now it's still striking me. Sigh, I guess this is what happens when you get older.. even though there's things in life which lead me to believe it should certainly be draggier.

So I should point out, it will surprise no one that I am one of the shittier typers in this world.. I have speed under control, but I never really got used to looking at the screen as I type as opposed to the keyboard. Every now and again (such as right now) i will try and make a conscious effort, but all these years I've slipped into the nasty habit rather regularly. It led to more than the occasional typo, but since acquiring this new keyboard last xmas I have seen my "skill" plummet, even for me. So here's to trying to rectify the thing once more. Sadly, a request is in order.. if anyone can recommend a decent "typing tutor" app that I can download (preferably FREE) then please shoot it my way. I should have bought the Dreamcast Zombie Typing game, too late now... damn... (well, there's always ebay... sigh)

tired of being pent-up here, what ele is new. I was supposed to work today, but i ended up sleeping much of the day away (no surprise-- exhausted!) and the rest of the day i just kinda waaaaassted. The clock is a-ticking and I haven't much time to dawdle, so i will get right back to it.. after i finish up.. this blog!! yes siree.. um.. sure.. Well, i haven't got a choice really, so screw it..

i sent out an art test yesterday (same one to two places), no word yet since the day it's been out.. stupid webstats counter-thing hasn't told me if they even got downloaded yet, but i imagine they're not quite chomping at the bit to tear through my work. I am happy with what I turned out, either way.. happy enough. Ready to start being done with art tests, hahaha...

I bought a bunch of water today (how's that for a topic?) Seriously, as i mentioned before, I have been subsisting off of coca-cola recently, and my eating habits have not been much better. It disgusts me to go into the kitchen and see all the empties sitting there staring at me, in my usual practice I try not to down that stuff quite so fervently. So I am going to just try and wean off of it in the next couple of days and start replacing the sugar in my system with regualar ol' h-twenty. 'Cause right now I am craving soda and could be drinking it 24/7, easy..

I have a lot of things on my mind, about my life lately, and I really want to get some of this shit offa my chest.. My inclination is to do that here, but I am starting to feel a little uncomfortable with airing all of my thoughts publicly where anyone could read them. "But Ron you always say you never care what anybody else thinks about you," well that is mostly true, I guess we all have our limits. I guess sometimes it's better to keep things to yourself though, but yeah.. when some shit is eating at you, and you haven't a good outlet for that, it can sort of gnaw at you a little. Well, that is how life goes for everyone, eh? I guess I've made no pretenses about the fact that there's plenty of stuff in this forum that I say/don't say, so not much has changed. At least pissing about it this much helps me feel a little bit better, anyway. At any rate, I scanned a couple of other semi-random people's blogs, they remind me of mine in some way - the shit they say in there is a little more, uh, self-absorbed/self-important/fucking dramatic than mine if you can actually believe that (!), in a way i envied their candor, in another i just thought they should get over themselves a little. What's up Kettle, this is Pot - you are pretty black, you know what I am sayin' right?

Rainy today, rainy and cold out. Not really unusual for January in LA. Thinking of moving still, my enthusiasm sways on that issue as the weeks change. Agan, not sweating it terribly (it's still kind of receding more to "longshot status," I feel) but yeah, change is a bitch no matter how you slice it. I just keep looking around my apartment and think how easily things could be different if some (not too complex) things in my life could change, through my own doing or from some external affect - and I could actually be pretty damned happy, or so I like to think. It's like playing darts, when you have that visual cue that you keep almost hitting near that bullseye - you can literally see how closely you've been inching towards it, but that brightly-colored little circle is still measureably far from where you're hitting each time you throw. I do feel like that about a lot of things in my life, and it pisses me off in some ways (just get over it and be grateful for what you have) but then that's not me, I can't be complacent, not when I've got wind of so much further I could go. If I was ten years younger, I'd probably be a little more forgiving of myself.. I'm 32 nearly, not a kid anymore, and that makes me feel as if I've got a ton of catching up to do in a lot of areas.

Strangely, that seems to be my "happiness," right there..

you look like fried dook

drink way too much coke. craving sugar lately.. my blood must be thick as paste right about now, my hand is sore as hell like a claw from endless mouseclicking. I've been using the piece of assy shit known as maya for the past few days, much to the entire world's chargrin, but somehow coming out on top as far as getting (mostly) what I need to out of it. i was installing 5 year old versions of adobe editing software at 6am this morning "ohh i hope this works..."

in spite of my whining, and abuse to my person, i am happy (well, happy enough) with how my work's been coming out. just a little bit of tiling, a normal and a spec map to churn out, upload, and then some precious sleep.

and then onto the other test.

love you short time

i dreamt that i was living in a place very much like my apartment, but it was in a dorm and shared with my parents (though i did have my own door to the outside, near my bed). I didn't want to move because my place was really nice, but was tired of my folks being there and seeing the mischief I would get into firsthand. Also, they were very particular about using cellphones/any kinds of phones and would always need to use mine.

I was looking at a map and California (not all of USA) was near the north pole, while China was slightly smaller than Los Angeles and just between Cali and it's other border, Africa.

My folks and I were driving around an old neighborhood that we'd lived in Framingham where a Staples had recently been built (in real-life, where the Bennigan's in Framingham is.. I think a Caldor used to be there, too) and there was a parking lot for all these very brightly neon-lit old buses, like if they were very old circus-styled or something.. or like the Rio in Vegas -- we made fun of the people who must drive them for a living, and then I remembered that th circus used to sometimes camp in that area (in my dream, not real life) and my folks had, for a tim, had to live and work there during harder times... in a very small "shanty." They were ashamed of this and loathe to admit it, and my brother had been so young that I knew he'd not remember it.

We stopped at a little roadside lodge, with a very overweight/close-cropped hair woman working behind the counter, my parents had returned my (very) old phone to the state or store I used to live in (called May, or Reebok, or maybe.. both). Since my phone was gone, we needed tp borrow the receptionist's non-mechanical phone, which was actually a large green patio umbrella, you'd get reception by running around in a windy yard or lot while whipping up the airflow and catching a breeze with the thing. My mom had to call her friend Diane, so I ran around with this thing and coasted all over the parking lot, trying not to lose my grip from the wooden pole - I'd catch gusts of wind while running around, and get lifted like 50-100 feet into the air, as my mom's confused friend's voice eminated from the center of the umbrella and complained that the reception was poor. We returned the umbrella to the very stingy receptionist, my mom bought some cigarettes, and I looked for a bathroom as I noticed that several doctors and nurses in white coats where wisking back and forth thru the lobby (there was a hospital next door, but all of their bathrooms and their pizza parlor were in this crappy hotel's lobby). I saw Ron Jeremy taking out money from an ATM, he ordered me to sit down on a bean bag chair, and then I woke up.

Oh well, at least it wasn't a dream about work. Speaking of which, i gotta go.

ob3y comput3r ob3y

takin'a break, takin' a break

i am beat. well actually i have some energy. well actually actually i have some seriously wound-up energy like you would not believe. i am a little tired of being planted in front of the PC i must say, i really really need to go out for a night on the town. drink some booze. dance to some stupid music. have some weird adventure... in due time, in due time (it's due goddamn time!) I can feel my belly getting rounder... Anyway, i am working hard. the name of the game these days is "revisions," not only do you do a test to get a job but then you get it sent back to you with requests for a 2nd pass. i guess that's good, at least they don't outright hate it (haha) but working on numerous things, for free, over time can wear ya down. well, at least there's a point to it.. and use.

my PC is acting up. i will be cranking away in photoshop, granted i can be ehhh "generous" with my layers.. also have a 3D app open, not a large scene mind you (but still, it's gonna chip away at memory) and of course winamp so i can listen to something. a delicate, precarious balance, for if anything else seems to be running it then seems like only a matter of time until someone's pulled out the wrong Jenga piece and --blooey-- my PC flatout resets. I've gotten quite good with saving periodically enough that I have not lost too much work, but still it's aggravating, after all of this time. "New computer?" I can hear people saying, but nah.. at least i gotta reformat this one and try a fresh-install of everything. That'll happen when I get some time, of course.. much cheaper, though, and worth a shot. Besides, even if I did have a brand-spanking new machine right here beside me, i'd still have to take a nice chunk of time to install all of my crap and customize it as well...

my patience is waning a but, but my motivation to work is still propelling me forward. I look at the work I've been doing - I know I have said this, lately.. and I can look at it and see that it is coming along well. I don't purport to be the best in the business, but i think my stuff is pretty good and I am on my way. Digital art, in it's many avenues, is certainly a strange thing to judge, between output and technique... efficiency.. etc.

Sigh. tired of talking/thinking about work. It's really become such a central part of my life in these past few years, i feel fortunate to have something to get so wrapped up in but I do miss having a life, sometimes. I know I am beyond the point of "chucking it all" and doing something different with my life, WAY past that point. My character has become beyond ingrained in my business by now, and furthermore as I've alluded to, there's so far to go (especially with such development every step of the way). But, yeah, I have to say that once in a while it is depressing to consider "is this all that there is to it?" I know how that sounds, but in some ways it can not be argued - a man is more than just a machine, part of a system, responsible for output (isn't he?) yeah so the next phase of life then, getting married and having kids. Isn't that what i just mentioned though, precisely? I am tired of the song and dance.. I don't wanna just be another name on a slot somewhere "I want my life to matter" but, yeah, it matters to yourself, at least...

don't mind me, i am just flipping out due to being endlessly cooped up here with no perceivable end in sight...

the more i dwell on it lately, the more some things in our society piss me off. what is te point, what is the point!! make money, buy shit. yeah, things are NICE, no one will argue that fact (a few may). I don't know that much of it is necessity, but it's still cool to have things like cars, clothes, music, flatscreen LCD monitors for one's PC. But then looking down the road it's an endless change for a bigger bait. keep making money, but keep having to buy more epxensive things. Is there much room in this world for people who want to just explore something different.. philosophy, education, etc.

That's another ball of wax too. There IS plenty of room for those hungy for information, in fact overwhelmingly so. The world is what it is, and there's absolutely too much of it - I am overstimulated, daily, with information. You try to put blinders on, in whatever aspect, to filter only what is relevant, and maybe that works for most people, but me - as I get older, and more sucked into the incredbly effective "information superhighway" (dated term, i know) I just feel more miniscule, insignificant, anonymous. All of that being irrelevant at the end of the day, mind you, but as I am going through information I get more and more of an idea what the world around is like, but in it's simplicity and complexity. Reassuring, then, that my "problems" are likewise rendered absolutely meaningless and relatively inconsequential, but a part of me considers how comforting it would be to be able to retreat to "ignorance is bliss." What lies down the road, then, i fear to wonder, as I soak up more and time passes. Ehhh, you get older, you deal with it. You have good times, bad times, you learn some shit/accomplish some things, forget other shit, and fail some things. Then one day you croak while everyone else does the exact same thing, but they have slightly different hats then you wore.

11pm. the hours fly by, as do the days lately, the months. In a few days January will be no more, that's remarkable... And so it rains outside, it's dark and cold, and I resume my work on things that will never matter.

how to change a spare tire/please a woman orally

The best place to start is your owner’s manual. Thoroughly read the section that describes how to change your tire/administer cunnilingus properly. Then locate your spare tire, lug wrench and jack. If your wheels lock, make sure you have the wheel key. Regularly check your spare tire to be sure it is properly inflated.

TIP: Lug wrenches that are shaped like a cross are the best better bet, as they are more stable and don't slip. You can purchase one at any auto parts store.

Get familiar with the basics. Women’s external genitals include the fleshy outer vaginal lips, the thinner pink inner lips, the clitoris nestled under the clitoral hood at the upper junction of the vaginal lips, the vaginal opening, and the erotically sensitive urethral sponge between the clitoris and vagina. Basic cunnilingus involves licking the vulva from the vaginal opening to the clitoris. As women become sexually aroused, their outer vaginal lips fill with extra blood, which parts them somewhat, exposing the inner lips and the sensitive tissue between them.

Find a level spot completely off the side of the road, even if you must drive for a few hundred yards on a flat tire. Make sure you are out of the way of traffic. Apply your parking brake. If you have an automatic transmission, place the car in “park.” Manual transmissions should be placed in first gear or reverse. Turn off your engine and turn on your hazard lights.

The tongue is much softer than fingers, so it can provide the gentlest possible stimulation of the clitoris and vulva. For many women, the gentleness of oral sex is what makes it so enjoyable. Tell a new lover that you’d like to go down on her. Either say something, or kiss her on the way down--her neck, the tops of her breasts, her nipples, her belly, so she gets the idea where you’re headed. You might check in saying, “I’d like to keep going down. It that okay?” Move down slowly.

Remove your wheel covers (if applicable). Depending on the type you have, you may need to unlock them first. Others can be popped off or unscrewed. Loosen, but do not remove, the lug nuts. Usually you can achieve this by turning them about a half-turn counterclockwise. Determine the proper positioning for your jack according to the owner’s manual and raise the car until the tire barely touches the ground. It should take the weight off the tire, but not come off the ground.

Make sure you're in a comfortable position. Lying on the bed on your stomach between the woman’s legs might strain your neck. You might slip a pillow under the woman’s hips to raise her a bit. Or you might coax her butt to the side of the bed and kneel on the floor to lick her. Begin slowly--and very gently. Don’t dive into cunnilingus all at once. Start by nuzzling, kissing, and licking her inner thighs and the area around her vulva. Anticipation of cunnilingus can feel very arousing to women. As you move toward her genitals, begin by licking the fleshy outer lips. Run your tongue up and down them. Nibble them gently with your lips. Next, work your tongue in between the outer lips to caress the smaller, thinner inner lips. Then circle the vaginal opening and perhaps insert your tongue--or a finger or two--lovingly inside her vagina. Approach the clitoris very slowly and gently. Some women enjoy a man’s tongue directly on the clitoris. Others find direct clitoral licking too intense, even uncomfortable. They prefer it when the tongue only lightly caresses the clitoris or circles it, which stimulates it, but less directly.

Rotate the lug wrench counterclockwise, removing each lug nut. In order to remove the flat tire, it will be easiest if you position your hands at the “three o’clock” and “nine o’clock” positions and pull it straight toward you. Replace the flat with your spare tire. It’s easier if you align the holes in your spare tire with the bolts first, then place it firmly on them. Replace and slightly tighten the lug nuts. Lower your car back to the ground and then finish tightening the lug nuts in a cross pattern.

Check in with her as you lick: "Is this too intense?" "Do you want it lighter? Or should I bear down more?" Check in often until you're confident that you know her preferences. Then check in periodically after that. Preferences change, or she may just be in the mood for something a little different. Be patient. Some women feel reluctant to discuss their reactions to oral sex. Instead they use “body language.” They might squirm if they find a certain lick uncomfortable. Unfortunately, it’s very easy for a man to misinterpret body language and think that when she’s writhing in discomfort, she’s actually in the throes of delight. That’s why it’s important to check in verbally: “Is this too intense?” "Is this okay?”

Place the flat tire where the spare was located. Put your tools back in the proper places and conduct a final check to be sure you haven’t forgotten anything. Get to a service station as soon as possible. You will need to have the flat tire repaired and reinstalled (if possible) and have your lug nuts tightened with a torque wrench to the proper specification for your vehicle.

Be gentle while she's having her orgasm and after. Many women experience unusual clitoral sensitivity and don’t like to be touched or licked there. This is normal. If you like “last licks” after she comes, check in about where and when she might like to be licked. If not her clitoris, perhaps her vaginal lips or vaginal opening. Or come up from between her legs and hold her, kiss her, and massage her any way she likes. Many men enjoy being very close to the vulva as the woman ejaculates, and have no problem ingesting some of the fluid. It’s safe to ingest. Female ejaculate is not urine, though it may contain some dilute urine. It appears to be chemically closer to prostate fluid, so ingesting it is not all that different from a woman swallowing a man’s semen.

burying morphine/Natural High

wow! i forgot that the band Sister Machine Gun existed. I only ever had one of their albums.. well, two, but one was scratched/rendered unlistenable when i bought it used. and i downloaded the MP3s but forgot anyway/ also I bought their 3rd or fourth album as well, listened a couple of tims, and got bored. But "Burn" was good. See this is what happens when you have a CD player in your car, which is pretty much neglected as the technology is obsolete these days. But since my iPod is in disrepair, i was forced to dig through my CD Graveyard...

+++RANDOM THOUGHTS+++

Myspace is just no fun anymore. I can't just log in and browse thru random strangers' profiles at the drop of a hat any longer. "This profile is viewable by member's friends only, he or she must add you as a friend first..." blah blah blah. No more stalking. I used to come home drunk from the bars, back in the good old days, after hitting on real women in person I could spend the next couple of hours wearing down the remainder of my drunk energy hitting on cyberwomen. I had some good lines too, dammit. I am a better writer drunk than sober, ya know. But those days are gone, now all I can do when I come home is cry while i masturbate in front of the PC, ulimately to pass out for my girlfriend to find.. a lovely sight, indeed..

I know, my page is "private" as well, but hell I am looking for a job. When that situation changes I'll probably unhide it anyway (unless... too lazy)

I broke level 30 on Columns today. Level 32 to be exact. no one in the world would care about this, except maybe the swede who invented the damn game. Except he probably would not care either, he's probably too high off his goddaned royalties. Screw you Sega. i want royalties too dammit. I must have put like 45 minutes into that session. Someday my gameboy battery will wither up an die and I will have to get back to reading things... sigh..

Good show at the local comedy club tomorrow night. Some of my favorite stand-ups.. i'd love to go. Five dollar! Plus about the same number of minutes ot walk there from my apartment. Sold out, but some tix are available atthe door... hmm.

i remember partying in college. so different from the drunk i would eventually become. I would nurse several beers (10?) all night, they'd get me very mellow but pretty happy.. and i was still particularly shy. a far cry from my Hollywood Alter Ego.. "Take No Prisoners" they call me (not really). I miss that guy, he's been dead and buried in the ground/frozen in the Tundra for ages now. I wonder what he's up to.. not even needling around in my subconciousness. What's a good mutliple personality disorder without some way to express itself? This is what i get for being somewhat responsible, or organized. I'll blame it on being Jewish, there's a limit to how fucked up we can get (that's not true, there's comedy gold to be mined in that joke right there.. save that for another time, though). Yeah, everyone's got their particular flavor of fucked-up, is all i gotta say...

i still have a horrible addiciton to wikipedia. Everytime I see that word written out it registers in my head as "wicked pedophile" - no, that's a far different website. Could be a good old-school punk song though... anyway my HD is loaded with half-read wiki bookmarks. I am infinitely interested in he oodlesof endless odds n ends in this world, so we're a natural fit.. I should maybe take some speedreading course so I can process it faster (no good, my ADD would clash with it off the bat) Maybe I could drink more decaf tea and less Coke for starters, either waay the fact/problem remains i am an info junkie for everything between the history of Ferrari to Civil War memoribilia and how much Pro NFL players made in 1964. Why this is, I am not sure, the brain is a large, unfathomable place...

sometimes I look on other people's blogs and i see the BS they write and they'll have lik 484 friends (plus a couple placeholders ahead of that) and "who gives kudos" is usually quite a long list (remember when they used to be called "props" for 15 minutes?), followed by all the actual comments. "You go girl!" "I hear you sister!! We still love you!!" "Yur so hottt n sxxxxyYYY" and etc etc. I notice the disparity on my blog, where's MY PAGES OF PROPS? Oh gah wait I am not a drunk teenybopper with pigtail who everyone wants to bang, i am a stifled psuedo-intellectual retard with long swervy and meandering sentances pretty much whining and bitching about metaphysical non-problems from a Future wich May Not Happen Anyway (see what I mean?) Once the Time Travel issues with blogging have been neutralized, then the Mexicans in the Real Future AB Earth-2 will bombard all of my websites and fill up my guestbooks with quotations, notes of peace and love, letters of agreement and perfunctory marriage proposals, so it's only a matter of time and I don't mind - I'll enjoy the peace and quiet while it lasts.

I take it back, though, i forget I AM a drunken teenybopper who everyone wants to bang, I haven't got pigtails though. Maybe it's 'cause of the smelly ass and sweaty palms (so many of my problems in the greater avenues of my life become suddenly, glaringly apparent)

I just wrote a nice paragraph about infections, boils and cancer, and subsequent imagines home-remedies for treating such things (hogwash, BTW) but then I promptly deleted that as it was starting to make me feel a little upset with myself. I need a drink. A backrub would be nice too. Fuck, a Hot Tub.

I hate Flash-created Advertisements on the web. Nothing is more irritating than when you are trying to read something and then this bullshit is looping on the side of the screen, some ad for a new movie with cars crashing and rain falling and thunderbolts and shit. Here's a tip, it doesn't work every time but often enough.. if that stuff is making you insane, right click over the ad. If it's Flash, sometimes it will give you the option to Rewind or something.. set that, and it'll revert to the first frame and maybe even stay there, frozen.. sometimes just a black display or something. Whewwwwwww...

stacked with misery

saturday night was weird dreams night. i never have those, you know?
another work-related dream (love those though) but it was not too bad. actually it didn't get that contextual.. anyway it was one of those "flying dreams," of which I have had a handful in my life. most of them were when i was a little kid, and rather than fly per se i could jump extremly high into the air, coast easily, then land and take another huge jump. this dream was more controllable flying though. felt REALLY COOL whatever it was. too bad you can't do stuff like that in real life (btw.. jumping out of a plane does not feel like flying...)

anyway at some point in the dream I was holding a piece of paper, and noticed that there was this extremely tiny dot on it. for some reason it struck me as odd, and i concentrated on it and noticed that.. it was a microscopic PERSON! he was wearing some kind of blue full-body suit.. i suddenly feared for him (as he was so tiny and i didn't want to drop or squish him somehow) Though, mind you, he was small enough that he wouldn't even be step-on-able, if you know what i mean. Anyway he somehow told me that he was working for the military, and he needed help getting back to fullsize as some experiment had gone awry and he was being left to figure it out on his own. I woke up and had one of those confused feelings where it happened too fast and my dream-logic overlapped with my real-world logic, momentarily.. as I roused, I feared I might lose him in my bed somewhere, or my girlfriend might roll onto him, and I was sad that i didn't get to find out more about how, exactly, he'd gotten so small. He was about to call me on his cell phone and explain it...

dream logic frightens me... i wish i could tap into that unreality some more, sometimes, but i have come to the conclusion that I don't wanna fuck with my brain too much because it will unseat everything that is real and logical to me. hnce, no psychotropic drugs, thanks very much. There's always the chance that such a thing could occur naturally i suppose, especially if i keep up this habit of keeping such crazy hours.

my head is really all over the place about the recent developments in my life. the usual things I have been bitching about,a nd feel no need to repeat. suffice to say it's still a very real and pertinent thing in many regards, to how i am conducting my days right now. i love the irony of "a new year, a fresh start" and all of that. oh, how much richer it would be if i was almost 30... i would take that as a sign, most likely. Stranger still (or not so mucjh, if you know how my brain works) I have actually considered putting certain future decisions to the flip of a coin. That's how i will usualy gambled in vegas, and it's served me fairly well enough. It would be a great story for my life, but somehow that feels a little to0 ludicrous even for me. I have enough stories by now don't I, anyway?

Probably not.

In the meantime, I have been crankin' away on another art test - and I have an interview for a possibly decent job tomorrow (unrelated). let's see what else this week brings, siiiiigh.

things to do:
finish art test
wash couch slipcover, bedding
start trackin' down my god-dadaDAMNED car title (still haven't received it)
return to the gym (it's been about 6 weeks.. at least?)
shoot some photos in town, i need a lot more reference while the getting's good
waiting for 2 paychecks in the mail
comedy show tues night would be fun to check out
read bryan's novel
shave (it's reassuring to put easy things on the list)
look for iPod warranty, though it's a futile task
buy some food for my fridge, stop eating so much take-out (expensive)
valentine's day??

guess that's it for my life, then... for the moment.

scratch multiply

whew, there goes january. pooped out like a deuce through the hole at the bottom of my soul.

if i am not the geniusest poet yet, i don't know who is. BAH! WORSHIP MY GENIUS! Bow before my criminal neglect... open the flue into the chimneys of your collective discontent, my poor sorry children, and eat the nectar of my flowerbed of Obsessive Compulsive Whackitude. Or was that whack-a-mole. Screw you, buddy, screw youuuuu.

Okay, well it is now about nearly 3:30 in the morning. Time is sort of an irrelevancy around here, I am in the phase where I will work until exhaustion, then go upstairs (or just collapse on the couch) and turn off for a brief coupla hours, before snapping back in and reloading to the workstation. I gotta say, I have been a heavily prolific mofo the past couple days, weeks, maybe the past month and a half really. I completed an art test for the NYC job, here's some renders of how this thing came out.









I did some different things with lighting for the first time, which is nice to be able to have. It used to be a very dirty and painful thing to set up realistic lighting inhe 3D packages (though the effects would be worth it for those willing to put in the time and effort). but take it from a nerd, you hadda be a SUPERnerd to really manage that stuff properly. Imagine those huge soundboards you see in pictures of recording studios, you know with like the hundreds of tiny knobs on them, to control gazillions of settings. Ok not QUITE that bad but they definitely have to be neighbors. Your grama couldn't do it anyway (mine could!). Point being is now it's a lot easier for "joe Schmoe" texture artist such as mysef to get that sweet sweet realistic looking lighting going, as opposed to the flat useless "simple grade with shitty grainy aliased edges" that is part of your usual garden variety playstation game, or the "plastic toy was made in Taiwan" look that's usually been the only other option.

So there.

Anyway I sent my stuff off to NYC. Tha's been doing a number onmy head, but as it's out of my hands now, i feel some relief in that I don't have to deal with it anymore (for the time being). In fact i rather hope they take their time. Meanwhile I have set up another interview in Orange County for next Tuesday - phone interview, projct could be cool and might even be worth the hassle of commuting. The NYC job still wins hands-down for "most likely to be rotten fun and also make Ron rich," and usually that's enough reasons for me to ask for a dotted line to sign on. But of course, there's reasons not to pack my bags just yet.

Also I am working on a follow-up art test for a well-know santa monica developer, I churned it out a month ao (in the middle of cranking on freelance) and was rejected at that point. I had the guy's email and buttered him up a tad to ask for "one more chance?" He appreciated the note and gave me the green light, so I am once again grindng away.. and so goes my weekend...

It's weird, I have been in absolute workaholic mode for a little while now, and it's not been.. well it's not been bad, it's been very god for me to keep as busy as I have been, and working purely under my own steam with some kind of future hanging in the balance, "it's all up to me.." This is very very different than working on a straight project, a personal one or as part of some production staff, as I am basically doing the one-an operation across the board by my lonesome. Lonesome yes, but empowering and ego-gratifying in a way as well. I would think many people would be miserable with their situation at this point "cabin fever! get me outta my house!" But it is nice on those occasions when I feel like I am in charge of my space.. a one-man wrecing crew.

It must be noted that my social life has become completely dissolved as of late. I have made the rare appearance here or there, and it's definitely frustrating enough to make me "miss being active within the social context of the human race.." I will say that in hindsight, I DO miss it, and as such my general happiness level is not the same. Hey, I LIKE to go out! Dance around, have some drinks, be a person! most guys of my caliber would probably prefer the opposite but sitting on my ass this much makes me cagey in any event. Also it is weird to break out of the "work-party-work-party" pattern, but it is reassuring to know that altough I can drink my share of Madman Formula, i don't seem to be suffering from the typical levels of Alcoholism. When I am getting good i can go out and wreck it a couple of times a week, at least - but in tese as of lacking time and money that's not an option, and ye while I sure miss the fun of it, the release, the wild abandon. the chaos.. (I COULD go on).. i am definitely not suffering some kind of shitty withdrawal, a beer will always be appealing but I am not by any means jonesing "I NEEEED MY MEDICINE!" That's a relief anyway, sometimes I know I can be pretty demonstrative, in some ways, of the darker side of those sort of things, well at least due the consistent blackouts (both in my braincells and wallet contents).but hey, we all have our things.

Almost 4am. I am resisting the urge to hop inmy car and drive somewhere and just buy a cheeseburger or somethin.. I have the urge to consume lots of junk lately. I will burn through a 2Liter of Coke in like, a day or two. I think I am hurting for caffiene and sugar.

btw, the renders above.. I worked on that stuff for shy of a week I guess, but it didn't start looking actually "nice" until te very last day.. it seriously went from 65 percent to 89 percent... now that I am getting clued on by the "ease of new lighting tools" I am getting a fire lit under my ass to make some nice new work for my portfolio, actually. shoot some pics, build some city blocks.. that would be fun and pay off, i do believe. We'll see what next week brings, I suppose.


So, that's where my brain's at. Okay brain, stop documenting and get back to the work, WHIP CRACK NOISE--

send me an angel

the following is an email i just sent to my friend Josh, synopsizing a dream I had last night:

last night i dreamt we were all in vegas at a fancy-expensive hotel (you me mullahy jess lynn myklynn.. however you spell her damned name.. fuckin hippie irish parents)... also some Jewish guy who was sleeping with my girlfriend (yay!), but was my roomate. We were all doing some kinda weird drug, and you had some fancy suite there. I found a sega saturn (1990s video gam system) in there (you were holding out on me!) and a ton of games, but they were all stored in this strange razor-sharp disc case which would SLICE YOUR PENIS OFF if you didn't have a key to open it properly. i am not kidding.

the only game not in the penis-slicing case was already in the saturn, which you were playing while everyone else was getting fucked up. it was some Japanese RPG where you could turn into different characters, one of which was a brown wolf who could spontaneously combust and kill sheep and farmers (in school classrooms, or government offices) with his flames.

lemur rollovers

sunday night/monday morning, and guess what.. yep, another weekend of work, work, work. that's my new name. Work W. Work. But it is cool. Good to be busy. good output is coming out of me as well - mind you, switching gears is always a pain in the ass, even when i am going between relatively similar types of work - trying to change up a style/tech/purpose can be a little tricky. but hey, versatility is the name of this job, right? As usual, I am working under the gun - have to get high-quality churned out in minimal amount of time, which can be a bitch (today i had lots of tech problms with my PC - it --needs-- a serious reformatting, and that is much easier sad than done.. like, a couple of days, in my usual case) - so i lost a bit of time trying to keep mymachine from blowing up all over the place. But like I said, my work is coming along relativly well, I keep matching it up to the reference material, and it's looking nice beside it. Pulling off nice lighting (using a method sort of alien to me) will be the true pain-in-the-ass part of this process, I believe. Cross tht bridge when i come to it.

Last night was interesting, I went out to meet some friends for a little birthday get-together. that was fun, i haven't gone out in what amounts to a little while. The evening did start getting a little pricey, and so I had to cut out early. I regretted being a lame-o and leaving, but in my current lifestyle I can not afford to be a partier anymore, that's for sure. besides, I'd had enough fun for one night, drank a little, danced a little, feeling a little better in health.. Had some nice conversation, etc. I stopped by Tommy's to get a burger to soak up my booze and wipe out my buzz (it was getting close to the edge, meaning - I would have stayed out and partied all night!) But a hamburger and brisk walk home kept me grounded. Some dudes hit on me as I innocently ate my Tommyburger, that seems to be happening to me a bit lately (being hit on by dudes, as opposed to chicks - not to imply that the ladies hit on me particularly very much). A lot of guys would usually have an aggressive reaction to such a thing, I guess, but it always strikes me as kinda funny.. but more than that, I am a guy and being a guy, I know what urges men are possessed of - so I will try to keep my cool and give a "leave me alone" without being an asshole vibe, surprisingly that will work.. amazing eh?? Especially if it's someone with an advantage over you (they have a car, or there's more of them than you, etc) - you DON'T wanna be messing with people at crazy hours when they may be out of their minds on whatever substances - whatever their sexual proclivities may be. Anyway, that was that - i walked home, took a shower (to wash the FILTH OF THE CITY OFF OF ME), worked for a couple of hours, and then passed out, safe and sound in my bed...

Today, as I was saying, was just working.. I did do something pretty stupid though. I like to think that like most people of my age, I know a thing or two about.. the world, I mean I can make a sandwich, built a fighter jet in Maya, win a game of Altered Beast on Sega Genesis with my feet -- but apparently little else. I pikced up some pizza for dinner, and it was rather cold by the time I managed to get the thing home, so i fired the ol' oven up to 400 degrees and slid in the pizza. This may be a surprise, but honestly, i have NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE. If the pizza is cold I will zap it in the micro, but for some reason the non-rubberiness of oven-baked heating sounded more apprealing on this particularly chilly, and hungry, evening. So yeah, slid the pizza in, but in my infinite ignorance I stuck the whole cardboard box in there. Yup, you can guess what happened next - ten minutes had barely passed (even that long?) and I smelled some bad burning stench coming from the oven, "uh oh, that cannot be goooood.." And of course, natch, i opened the oven to see what's up and was greeted by a huge noxious black smoke cloud which proceeded to fill my kitchen, as the pizza box started BURSTING INTO FLAMES. Awesome. Cough, cough, luckily my girlfriend isn't half the panicky moron I am and she managed to get the fire put out inside of about a half-minute (the thing wasn't like.. BIG, but the smoke was getting thick and I didn't want to be inhaling much of that shit - especially as things were burning in front of me). Anyway, she got it to mellow out, the things was still kindling so i got the whole box (pizza and all) outside onto the cement driveway and doused it generously with water. Then I went and ordered another pizza, which actually got eaten instead of burned. So yeah, even at 32 years of age, we do stupid-ass clueless things sometimes. It's a good thing I am not an astronaut. The irony is that I took the little plastic "Y" out of the box before sliding it into the oven "so it would not melt into the pizza and get eaten." Whatever, crisis averted, pride is swallowed, some money wasted, no Anal Rape from Drunk Gay Men, and life goes on. C'est la Vie.

petulance goes unanswered

hard to believe time is a-chuggin' on as quickly as it has been. JAWHOL!! Yeah, well, saturday night. Another day plasterized in front of the computer, I am doing an art test for the NYC job. Phone interview was yesterday, and it went well (hence the art test). My spirits've been a little sluggish to get all wrapped up in it, but i am, as i said, "chuggin' along..." Easy stuff, more of the sae I've been doing, though perhaps a little knee-urdier. Actually this job is looking prety good, and of all the prospects i have going on right now (.....) it's one of the best for my career, in some ways. I am sad, still, thinking about the prospect of leaving LA - for ANY reason.. hopefully some other shit will get moving next week. As I always say, "we shall see," friends...

going to tokio tonight as it is Mrs. Brad Lee's birthday celebration-skaganza.. or whatever ya wanna call it. It's been awhile since I have hauled ass out to the Cahuenga Corridor on a Saturday night, leastways so much as I have any real memory of such a thing, and I will also admit I sure do not feel like going out and getting, as the young'uns say, all fuxxorezed up, but I guess i can pound back a beer and a vodka and something or other, or two. Though my constitution is not terribly drinkin' friendly right now, I think it'll be a good shot of enthusiasm into my otherwise dull doldromy demeanor of late. Lighten up, bro.

LA is cold, ma. Ca ca ca COLD. Not like horribly freezing, hell not even bad.. if anything, it is feeling somewhat appropriate for the time of year which it is - but HEY now. I have been blasting the heater night and day to keep warm, glad that thing is there!! Whew.... It's definitely the coldest that I have experienced since living out here. Either way, preferable to the usual weather we get at this time of the year (days and days of relentless downpour, actually). Nah, haven't really seen much more than the odd-drop..

YAWN! Tired. these days I do not go outside much, at all. Check the mail, take the garbage barrels in/out, that's about it. the gym? Forget it. I bet my system already has.. I want to get back on the ball with that shit soon, though. hopefully next week will be a little rest, of sorts, for me, and then I can go about grinding back into some more normal of a pattern besides "wake up, plunk down in front of te PC, work till exhaustion, pass out, do again" In spite of my tone, it should be noted that i have been enjoying the work I have done lately, quite a bit - all things considered - and it's ben a nice way to pass the time. In fact if I could crank it up to more regularity/better pay then overall my outlook on everything could drastically improve (..."possbly!") That's a tall order, and a weirder wish than anything else. i think I would have to have things be a lo more stable in such departments, and a little beter feedback overall - but at least i have proven to myself that I can successfully, and happily maintain a freelance lifestyle "working from home." If something else was about to land in my lap of a similar nature, it would be hard to be adverse to it. Maybe.

Yeah, I say that, but there's something nice about having somewhere else to go, and people to be around, all of that. Feeling a little more "normal."

Okay, on that note, time to get me some dinnnnnnner. Vodka cranberry will kick my ass across to Jupiter if i don't have a little food waiting to intercept it.

BTW please pardon my EXTRA-typing atrocities, I know I am pretty bad to begin with but this new keyboard -- which is very nice, might i add -- is still taking a little time for my "flow" to get used to, and once in awhile i'll go back and read a blog or an email and cringe, more than usual. I'm trying...

i beat my inner child

tired. it's been a helluva week (again, and again, and.. again). Forst of all, my place reeks of Garlic. I went to my number one Armenian Muthafuckin' Joint tonight Zankou chicken, and I got the usual - beef Schwaerma with Garlic Sauce - I alwas plow through it and when it's gone, i think to myself hot DAMN, I could do it all over again right now! So tonight, as a bit of a reward to myself for various reasons, i bought two of the damn things, and engulfed them one after the other. Well, sorta. Apparently, the Single Sandwich idea was the proper one, as I got about 1/4 into the second one before my appetite began to diminish. I made it about three-quarters through the Second Schwaerma before my lust for consumption got the kibosh, yo. The remains sat on the plate in front of me for the better part of 90 minutes, or so, as I watched a divx on the telly, uhm, yah.

The movie wasn't so hot. but. I need some time splayed out on my couch, no, SMEARED on my couch like so much cheese sauce, just staring unthinking like some lethargic crustacean, Yes, that sounds somewhat closer to appropriate. Let us restart, shall we.

So I have been working on my freelance gig for just a little more than a month now, and yesterday I wrapped up te end of it. And then today we had our kind of "see ya, all set" meeting to close the book. So, it is done, and I am thrust back into the realm of Free Time.. no more excuses "can't go to the gym," no more dilly-dallying "sorry Matt I haven't time to make a logo for you," no more procrastinating "my apologies, girlfriend, but i must spend all of my waking hours in front of this infernal machine."

And yet.. the job was good to me, when I started it there was little feeling other than "this is a pain in the ass that I do not feel like doing, how can I even pretend to be enthusiastic about working at home, well working at all really, in this godforsaken unforgivin' shit-industry to any degree anymore.." And honestly, I still managed to get into it, got my file-structures all legible, my long-mothballed home methods of getting some shit done back in some sort of order, and I -- gulp -- enjoyed it, for what it was worth. Moreover, I got paid yesterday at LONG FUCKIN' LAST, to add non-insult to lack of injury I received my other check from the stupid stock options today (which I have been trailing for, literally, MONTHS). Needless to say, now one can understand why it was important for me to purchase Two Schwaermas this evening.

And now my belly hurts, and bad garlicky farts come out of my butthole. Take that, Vampires.

And so, I am a little melancholy tonight - yes, that word's extremely appropriate for how I am feeling right now. Lord, I'm tired. Lord, I don't rightly b'lieve in ya, but I sure like using your name to begin a sentance, for effect. But honestly, I am.. TIRED, I am a worn-out sack o' moldy potatoes, yessiree. So I spoke with the studio in NYC today, not my job interview (yet) but more of a mini-Pre interview with te HR person over there. I will have the actual more interviewy interview tomorrow, and it's.. well, it's a mixed feeling in my head, in my heart. the same things I have bitched aboout in here, in recent months, it's definitely getting closer to some kind of bittersweet reality. I am not a dumb little ignoramus anymore, to the same degree anyway, and so I know all the shit that's to lie ahead if i go through with this thing. I really wsh I could just fucking lighten up about it, I am having one of those times in my life where I am feelin absolutely sorta untethered, completely dependant on my own whim. What a powerful, freeing feeling, but the flipside of that is that it's also sort of crushing when facing the reality of it. To be honest, my mental state is sort of whisked back in time 7 years, to where my mind was at when I decided to ditch all the shit and come out to Los Angeles to begin with. Now I am facing a possible bookend to it all, and so all the ups and downs of this whole rollercoaster experience are kinda bubbling about within me. Really, part of me WANTS to just level the damned playing field, shove a gun up it's tokus, let fly and not look back. I spent a couple of minutes in Sherman Oaks for some business this afternoon, and it just reminded me of the Ron i was not too terribly long ago, but then again my life was so damned different, in a lot of ways. I had no idea what was in store for me here, and now I feel the same way albeit a litte wiser.

And you know, sitting here, in my little workspace area of my apartment, I look around at what this place is, what it represents - the culmination of the past few years of my life, again building up from scratch some more. I remember (partially) all the nights walking home, lonely, from the bars on Caheunga to my places in Los Feliz, the whole town just there for me, only for me, as the rest of the world was long since asleep, silently. Wondering where I was going, eventually, what I was building towards. The past few jobs I had taken, moving my shit into this office or that corner, "well, I suppose this will be mynew home, for awhile..." Each time, never wanting to get to comfy, but you ALWAYS do, it's natural - with your space, with your friends, with your business. your relationships, your feelings. And now I am here on Chula Vista, I have been here just over a year, we always joke "Ron moves pretty much once every year" and the shitty joke comes to rear its head at me once again. But even more shittier now.

Well. I sent out a bunch of messages for jobs today. I got some more contacts - I am still trying. If someone gives me a fair shake and their shit is somewhat spot-on, I will certainly see about sliding into whatever they can fit me into. but if there's nothing doing in this town of "too busy to care" no-names, then I haven't much choice but to see about taking my business elsewhere, really. I'm gonna be 32 years old in a few weeks, it's long-overdue that i started feeling like my life was getting somewhat on the ball. Don't you think?

eggs call ME round

some unimportant notes (mostly)

the roast beef is starting to smell funny. i'm about to eat the last from the package.

coleslaw is good from Ralph's or Mayfair, not so much Albertson's - too pasty.

yesterday watched steven king's "the stand" as I worked... ALL DAY. the thing was like 10 hours long! I remember that i rented it like 8 or 9 years ago, after reading it. Next time I see it I will be 41, at this rate.

No news is good news.. right? They fnally downloaded one of my Art test submissions, on Friday.

Back to it...

super cold alive

sitting here building a french hotel (don't ask), i just got a whup of memory from a weird dream i had last night. i had inadvertantly wandered into an integrated circut etching facility, where technicians would create masks for UV light to shine through, which would define the paths of the circuit. The lab was actually a little mechanic shop located in a european alleyway, looking much like a mechanic's hallway (though lacking much in the way of technology) and the techs were actually a bunch of dorky librarian-looking fellows -- stamp collectors -- something. I asked them if they were looking to hire another hand, apparently they'd pay $3000 per circuit diagram (a couple of days work, apiece) - each one was basically assembled by laying out domino-shaped blocks on a large piece of tracing paper, then plotting points from each of the four corners. the inside of the resulting shape would be darkened with a graphite pencil, depending on how much voltage would be conducted through (and marked accordingly with notes and numbers). It looked very complicated but also somewhat easy as hell - probably mind-numbing more than anything else, it just required some intense precision (all the squares would need to be lined up completely perfectly or the whole Mask would be useless). I was considering giving up my graphic profession to get into the hardware end of the business, interested in the endlessly complicated surreal patterns I could create for hours on end..

cruller tactics

whew, 3:30 in the afternoon. I, for one, feel like ass. ASS, not AN ass. the last couple of days my body's been fighting off something, but I think I have half-succumbed to it - I woke up this morning feeling feverish, with chills. As the day's worn on, I definitely feel better, and hey - I DID get a good amount of sleep last night, after I finally did pass out. But one thing is for sure, my body is sending me a message - I need to relax, a little. I need to just rest a bit. I have been pushing myself pretty hard and it's wearing me down.

I had a big fight with my girlfriend last night - honestly, that doesn't happen very often, but when it does, it is definitely more of the "big blowout" type. I think we two are the sort who have little things pile up and bother us, over time - and we just brush it aside, or ignore it generally. Of course, that stuff festers inside of you and then --BLAM-- it will come out in a big fireball. Already I was feeling rather gross last night and not in the mood for any kind of arguing, but of course that shit's just gonna happen sometimes., and you just have to sort of deal with it. Strangely, I actually welcome that stuff sometimes - I think I am generally awful about communication in my relationships, and it's really something that I have a problem with (as far as my own character) - so when we have blow-outs, I find it hard to be generally pissed at her, as it's definitely my own fault for letting my shit build up as well, and the way I will act as a result. So when we do have it out, I tend to get shit off my chest, and the person i am with now - well, she ain't perfect, but one of the great things about her is that after she calms down a little (admittedly, that is kind of a tough part, at the time..) then it becomes really easy to talk to her, to relate - she is very understanding. It's a shame that we have to go through such hell to reach that point, but again that is due to the nature of conflicts within our personalities. Still, the payoff makes it worth it. What does that mean for our future? It's hard to say, especially since a lot of the stuff we end up talking about - namely, our frustrations and incompatibilities - often point towards the likelihood that our relationship either needs some bigtime work, or it could be doomed. that's not an easy pill to swallow, but it still is preferable to the alternative (like I said, just keeping all that fire inside and letting it sit there). 'Cause THAT, my friends, is one of the most aggravating things in my day-to-day life. I guess, the point is, even though we argue at times like this, it definitely ends up pullling us closer together, and reminding me of the good reasons that i am in a relationship like this.

Something else which I have alluded to in the past, is how I am changing as I get older - I am not totally sure of the depth of it, but I can see things in my brother and I, which we've got from our father, and no disrespect to either of 'em, but it's troubling to me - I have definitely become more neurotic the past few years, and it's not exactly a healthy thing. Neurosis has it's place, and I am proud to have figured out ways to use it positively in my life, but then when I look at some parts of my life (in this case, the relationship troubles) I can see where it's more messed up, more out of my control than I would say I feel comfortable with it. And that's why I can feel a little relieved to have pulled away from that neurosis a bit, in light of all I've just said (being able to talk things out, and lay on the table some of the more, errr, idiosyncratic feelings and issues I have been having). I've always thought of myself as a fairly easygoing guy, but not so much so that I would let my shit go unchecked, really - which is kind of a delicate balance, i'll admit, but something about myself which I admire. Well, i hold it with a certain amount of pride, but the last couple of years I have suddenly felt that pride slipping away and replaced with --- well, the neurosis! Anyone who follows the events of my life will probably not be too hard-pressed to see how such feelings could develop (look specifically at my job history, my romantic circumstances) and couple that with the background I came from (I was pretty low on the self-esteem scale for so many years, to begin with) and the picture gets a little less fuzzy.

It's probably a little strange to write about this stuff in a semi-public forum (yeah, this spiel again...) but it is important for me to put these words down, knowing the things I am going through in my life at this moment. I may be a bit of a drama queen, or whatever, but it's definitely a period of some weird disturbance, exciting or otherwise - and it's reassuring to have points like this where I have achieved some degree of clarity about myself and my issues, and positive steps I have taken to working with them, as well the people around me. It's important to me, useful, and someday when I am into some other weirdness it will be helpful for me, reassuring to dip back into this period of my life and reflect on this feeling.

Alright, i gotta take a shower and get to work.

the fast track to la-la-love-icide

yes it's tuesday but it feels like a monday.

last night i fell asleep for a second and dreamt that my girlfried was in a porno, she walked into the room with a big smile on her face and said "do you want to get laid off?" (then i buried my face in my hands and groaned, ohhh engrish)

Speaking of dreams, i am buried with anxiety dreams still, it's better than the night terrors so i will be grateful. still i don't know what it says of my mental state when i am having dreams of personal relationships with xerox machines (no, there were no organs being photocopied or anything of that nature.. i merely had to write a good-bye note to the machine and then copy it so it could "read" it)

feels weird, i haven't been partying in a longggggg time. just work, work, work.. work is alright though, BTW if I have emailed you and you wonder why my typography (??) is worse than usual (bar's set pretty low, here folks.. admittedly) it's 'cause i have a new keyboard.. at last!!! But my fingers are still adjusting. And quite honestly i miss the years of shmutz building, grime ad plaque on the vowel keys, and general cushiony-ness that only comes with years of pubic-hair buildup. you didn't read that.

As i sit here and scratch my thigh (and my throat is scratchy as well) i must mention that finally, in nearly 32 years of life (i almost wrote "24," wishful thinking) i have finally discovered this,

all the crunchy hippies in the world love the hummus but to me it's always been too saucy, gooey, and just.. ehhh.. kinda chunky and phlegmy. But recently I tried this shit and it was pretty good. Better than the clumps of cheese I would otherwise shovel into my face. oh yes, I am not gonna die. Anyway, yay for food. i haven't had some good nachos in awhile BTW (and oh yeah, it is worth mentioning that tonight's del taco night)

So what else can i say. Hopefully I am trying to have a kinder, gentler blog for my new year's resolution (yeah, that'll last) Uhm. Not muh! I have to make a phone call to the stupid smith and barney and see if my extremely-delayed stock purchase $$$ (like, 3 months delayed) paycheck has showed up at their stupid office yet. For those of you in the know i received about 2/3 of the cash but i need the rest. Pronto. Jellybeans are not free.

otherwise, umm.. I should do my dishes (they sit, unloved, in the sink... covered with a thin film of grease and filth). take a shower. get back to work.

And so it goes. happy *(*(%(*%& new year to you too.
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ohhh. before i forget. video games! every year i seem to go through a period here and there where I fixate on some stupid old-ass video game or other. Nothing new, i know, i am a tremendous manchild as much as my peers, but perhaps in a more creepy fashion. So lately my addiction is this old-ass game called Columns, it's pretty much nearly a 1:1 Tetris ripoff but with a different freneticism. i just like a good puzzle game which starts off hectic right away and can either kill you in about 35 seconds or keep you moments from death for the duration of the remainder of the period.. yeah, like that. I don't sit around and play i so much, as such, but when my god-DAMNED computer overheats and crashes.. like.. when i am in the middle of working, then I take a break and cool off with the gameboy and play some columns to cool off and regain my composure for a bit. Unlike 9/10 of most other gamers in this world, i am not too concerned with unlocking shit and saving my progress, i just want to turn the thing on, get my fix, get it outta my life and mind for a little while and then periodically pick it up again. Wash rinse, repeat, add, subtract and die.