pre-traumatic stress disorder insecticon syndrome

4:30 in the afternoon, still feeling kinda crappy but not falling down the stairs with my head cracking open like a fragile eggshell and leaking the gooey contents all over the floor and formica countertops, not yet anyway. I am a bit dizzy though, and more than anything just wanna be left alone... which is nice to be, right now... but yeah, i'm on the mend, feeling better day by day.

i did send out another CD-rom demo to another local developer today, that marks the third one in a week's time. That means I will collect about 10 jpgs together (usually the same for any CD's I send out, give or take 1 or 2 - depending on who's gonna see it), track down the name of the art director for said company (you know, for that "personal touch," it leaves me with slightly more confidence that the intended person will get to have a gander on it as opposed to "Art Director" which means it'll likely immediately get shoveled onto the lap of the "HR person") - modify the cover letter accordingly, touch up my breakdown sheet (explaining what I'd done in the jpgs, likewise the QT movie - which is 50 percent too small dammit, my own oversight - and the 3D scene files and supporting textures), and of course a cleanly-cropped 1-Page resume, burn it all in Nero CD, print out a nice neat professional-er looking adhesive label, wrap it up nice and tight in a USPS envelope and ship it to wherever it's gonna go. This is exciting, I know "the process, the process..." Usually to a studio fueled by somewhat partial egomaniacs who've long forgotten how tough it can be to get a break here and there so they'll likely not even glance at the fruits of my labor, but y'never know, it's worth a shot. Anyway No matter how gross I feel I'll always jump at the opportunity to send a CD-rom out to wherever it might do me well - yeah I've a website, and that's all well and good, but sometimes it pays to be a little more aggro and hit multiple fronts, if you know what I am saying. So yeah, sent it out, piked up a sandwich at the local italian joint up the street - not very hungry (my appetite has been absent) but I need to put some food in that gullet. Oh i paid my bills today and ARGH that's enough to get a boy's pants wrinkled! FUUUUuck. I need to get a job soon. It's always a good feeling to get a bunch of that shit out the door "I won't be seeing the likes of those hooligans for a little while" but at the same time it's a sobering reminder of how much money I owe and how much progress I've gt to make. I am not a money-hungerer, but i get tired of seeing that same amount sitting on the mantlepiece, a constant reminder of how far I've gone and how far I've yet to go.

The reality of leaving Hollywood is hitting me a little. I know I have this job interview in two weeks out of town, and after considering the whine-worthy things mentioned above, it truly feels like a really NICE escape-hatch. It also feels like a bullet, just like killing a part of myself, which is admittedly a harder thing to come to terms with. As I have mentioned, time and again, I've done this before, and I am cognizant of the consequences (good and bad) and more than anything else, the thought of it all just exhausts me. It's not to say it is not exciting, hell even tantalizing, and more than anything else the same thing echoes in my brain "this is what you asked for!" but hey, i am a hypocrite as much as anyone else. It's easier to watch shit happen to other folks and let your own life kind of cruise down an easily digestible path. Oh okay this stuff is not that hard to digest.. didn't I mention I was a drama queen a few times here and there?

I got a call two days ago from a former boss, I don't think it's got mentioned in here yet - he hired me for my first job in LA, and he was always a pretty decent guy. He didn't promise me a job but he said he might have something lined up (by the pedigree, I was expecting it'd be something relatively shorter-shooting than the relatively higher-profile projects I've been involved with the last couple of years) Anyway that was nice to get a call, even if he disappeared as mysteriously as he'd
appeared (he intimated that i'd be hearing back immediately, which didn't happen). And today I got an email from another position i was checking out, we've just set up an interview for early next week. So, yeah, things aren't quite as bleak as my overly somber tone might not want to betray. Bitches.

the weather in LA is gorgeous right now. I keep thinking about the fantasy I wrote about earlier.. sipping on the pina colada, watching the sun set, relaxing with my feet in the sand. The tropical paradise of my dreams, it doesn't really have to be quite so far away... does it?