well first of all, let's get this crap outta the way:
yeah, i just uploaded this stuff for the NYC test. Man, this thing has been a seriously endless nightmare for me - i think i am just getting tired of doing these things, especially since partway through i seem to lose enthusiasm for them and realize that it may be useless to keep "wasting time" with them. But ahh, nothing ventured/nothing gained, so far be it from me to spare the effort. Also the other end of it is that i've gone so far with a thing, and I need to see things through - i hate how so many people can start something with lofty intentions and then peter out with less than a quarter complete. I'm not perfect, but I like to think that I manage to see things through (come hell or high water.. neither of which sound good - oh and DEJA VU by the way)
I am not sure if those pics above are particularly much better looking than the ones I submitted previously, that irritates me - it makes my work feel half-assed, especially since I did get a lot of harder-to-wrangle stuff set-up in that scene, though that's invisible to anyone but me. That means I have to reel it in, as time permits (if so!) and push it to the end, leastways if i wanna be showing it on my website. Whatever, the fact remains that it is officially "sent out into the world.."
The week has been trying, I've been working countless hours, my life's pretty much been reduced to dealing with work (it happens sometimes). This has been something of a new low for me, more than ever just diving in and working literally to the point where my body would just turn off from exhaustion.. constant headaches from various factors (too much staring at the screen, wearing way-old-prescription glasses for too many hours on end, wearing expired contacts for too many hours on end, sleep deprivation, mounting stress, why doesn't this function or that work, why crashing (BTW almost completely NO MORE CRASHING since I reformatted last week, yay! Helpful after all..) Too many back-to-back MP3s of Loveline for hours and hours and hours...yeah, well i know this all sounds excessively whiny, but I always reiterate "hey, I love what I do, and it is worth it to keep that up..."
I had an interview today for a gig in Glendale, a very tiny studio and a very simple project (low-rez-ish textures of las vegas) - but the money is so small it's almost not even worth my time. if my wallet wasn't so bone-goddamn-dry i would probably have walked out the minute he laid down that laughable price tag on me, but as it is right now I think i might need to just suck it up and just frick'n do it. The thing is, even when you get kinda shat on you need to build up your contacts, your relationships. I say that, but then I consider my history and how easily you can get shit on as well. Ah, there's a time and a place, and you've gotta pick your battles. Anyway I will likely start this gig next tuesday, just dive into it and enjoy, uhhh, working at a different location for a little while. I can hear the unwashed masses now "where's your backbone, negotiate for more moneyyyy!!" It's nice to be able to do that when one has other options on the table, right now all i've got is McD's... haha. Anyway nice part was that th fast-talking guy seemed like he wanted to pretty much snap me up for a fulltime job at this point, as opposed to the usual "do a little bit and then yer outta here" that you get with these types of things. I think he detected my lack of enthusiasm due to the size of the studio and his offer, but like i said.. right now, I'm not in a good position to be picky. Also, I got an email to work on some film project and just churn out assets. Again, the money's looking smaller (though not as infinitesimal as the first place) but there's good opportunity in it as well. Anyway in spite of my bitchy mood, I am happy to have any opportunity with places of this manner, it's a big step down from the "big-shot-status" jobs I have held in the past but -- yeah, money's money.
I am a completely broken record on the subject of "move to New York?" to the point that I am a broken record in referring to it as "a broken record," but as I've just resubmitted a test for that very job, it suddenly becomes an issue on my mind once again. It's out of my hands, and my possible fate is essentially left up to others to decide. The facts are this, right now - I have nothing particularly wonderful on my plate right now, professionally, and the NYC job is looking the most tempting in that regard. It'll do the most for my career (possibly, as always.. no sure things!) give me some sweet cash if it does pan out well, give me a whole new crazy city and culture to explore. And yes I am rather mournful as i look around my apartment and think about leaving my comfort zone here, "doing a big pain-in-the-ass-move" into the relative unkown and all of that. I could get over that, of course..
One thing which I wanna mention, on this topic - and I might have typed it in here previously, so bear with me.. I DO feel shitty about the fact that taking that new york job would essentially end my relationship with my girlfriend. I guess it's weird to write about this stuff in my blog, but it is definitely eating at me lately, and for some good reasons. One thing is that I have definitely been on the other end of this before. I dated two different girls who would regularly let me know that they planned to pick up their lives and move away eventually.. away from ME. I never was to psyched to hear this, but what can you do, you have to be supportive of the other person, if things aren't working out for them... I guess... anyway now I am the asshole regularly talking about "yeahhhh... I dunno.. we've been together for X amount of time and you know, i might be moving away from here sometime soon.. I dunno.." I remember how shitty that made me feel and I know it's not gotta be making her feel much cooler either, now. Of course, it's still relatively hypothetical - but as the odds stack up, it gnaws at me. And sure, i will whine about "being in a relationship" problems like anyone else, but really -- i DO love my girlfriend, she is special to me. We may not see eye to eye on some things (haha, who does) but she is very sweet and especially supportive of me - particularly in these more-aggravating times of my life.
Also, of course I must mention that of course I'd miss my friends, but of course it is different with friends than it is with a relationship. My friendships seem to flick on and off over time (some people i won't see in several months or even a year's time, regardless of the fact that we may only live about 20 minutes apart..) yet with your relationship, you'll see and talk to that person a lot more, like every few days or so. Anyway, my intention in writing about this was not to blubber on about the situation, but to express that it is an issue, one which I definitely can appreciate the (shitty) irony of - but also, I appreciate the support of those who care about me, it definitely goes along way into helping give me a bit more of that much-needed self-esteem..
friday night, ovah heah... my work is finally done, at least for a little bit. I have been cranking non-stop-straight for about 2 months now, I still have other shit to do (before getting absorbed into the next project) but on thing i need is a little bit of TIME, I am not sure what that means any more.. time to clean up my apartment, wash my car, go for a walk, go to the gym, eat something else besides a hamburger in front of my computer, time to clean my yukky bathtub, be affectionate towards my girlfriend, drink a beer with my buddy, drag my sore-ass to the dance floor.. hell i even put my name on a guestlist for tomorrow night at the local hip slutty dance-o-rino joint.
hell, i need time to take a nap. i think that's the first thing i will do on my step to recovering my humanity...
more interesting informations are coming zoon, Zone Snout is Out-t-t...
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