calliope meltdown

head aches. i caught some bug from my girlfriend. yeah.. the "LoooOOOOOOVe Bug!!" Oh, barf. Seriously, feeling sort of shitty all day, but that's alright (sorta) since I am not really having too much pressing to do. Well that is always a lie, but relatively. Ok, no immediate deadlines lurking over my shoulder, how is that..

I spent much of the day either surfing the net (i tend to get lost in the endless sea of information) or watching the History Channel. I never watch TV, but if I get sucked in, it might be pretty good. War is definitely something that will fascinate me, our digestion of it/its portrayal/the psychology and social consequences of it. Also, how close it is to our nature. Even working at game companies, you can feel the heated competition bubbling under the surface, internally and of course externally. Something we don't like to face, or to embrace.. or do we..?

Looking at some crap online, I have been a little nostalgic for my youth lately I suppose. Not in the way that "i wish I could go back there!" but just marveling at the way my brain works now as compared to the much younger person I used to be. I look at my life, my personality, and I try to decide.. "am I an adult, am i mature? Responsible, do i take things seriously - do i conduct myself in a manner befitting a 32 year old?" My knee jerk reaction is that naw, i am still a kid, I always will be trapped that way, I am kind of a child living in a man's world. the things that go through my head moment to moment, the abstract ways I consider reality, they are the things of a child. But on closer inspection I will look at the world around me and how everyone else handles likewise, and it confounds me. The "adults" are worse, gross kind of, lacking their innocence, their colorfulness. Okay, i live in this grimy and aggravating world and so I paint a bleak picture (look at the work i produce) and perhaps I kind of even like to get wrapped up in it - but then I think it's not only me who's the kid, it's everyone. No one takes shit seriously, life is just a big ol' game. Yeah, things change when you have real responsibilities (bills, kids, etc) but even then people skirt it and get caught up in their, umm, "childishness" for lack of a better term,

So then my next deduction instead of "that's dumb and people suck," I will usually say instead "okay why do i view people this way and further why ARE we this way?" Well I could type all night.. so I won't.. but suffice it to say the answers to those questions, which glimmer in my head, at least make me feel a little better about my self-image. And so my ego furnace is quelled, for the moment..

It's cold in here. Anyway I was starting this entry with the intention of writing about how when I was a kid, I had this driving need to CREATE stuff. I don't think I would say it is gone now, in fact my life can be considered fueled by it, but back in those days it was such a raw, naked urge which knew no satiety. I HAD to draw. Draw, draw, draw. I read lots of comics, watched lots of cartoons, played lots of videogames - I absorbed all tis weird abstract commercialized shit like a sponge, as kids do, and shat it out my other side (well, through my pencil onto the paper). I used to make comics, probably HUNDREDS of them, with my friends or my brother or alone, riffing off whatever comic character or thing I was into at the time and making my own over-dramaticized versions. I would sit with my sketchbook and draw by flashlight for hours after my parents had put me to bed, lovingly rendering futuristic cars and robotic superheroes and fantastic colorful environments for them to reside in, either swiped from my favorite toy or imagined out of my own head, all with horrible anatomic definciencies but i didn't care, i knew that understanding could come with practice and age.

Sigh. I look at my website now, "here is the work i present to the world" - some buildings and crap.. yes it looks all nice and technical or whatever, but that childish fantasy, the sense of mysterious wonderment is missing from it. The angles and the lighting are all correct, but in such a way that they are rendered bland. I get older and I find my muse in there, somehow, but the best parts of what i create will never be appreciated by anybody else (or even reflect back on the quality and love in my work). Should my goal be, then, to find a way to dig that out, to unearth my youthful energy ad create things that are excruciatingly exciting (yep!) Does working in an industry like this render all of that secondary, as I strive to be competitive and bland and look "just as good as the other artists who make nice art?"

Will I get drunk routinely and cause a stir and make a scene and dace wildly and uncontrollably to the glee and frustration of everyone else around me? Ah, to be a caveman..

I watched the "hair conference" video on youtube the other day. My legs gnarled up as I viewed it, i actually felt pain for those guys. i could remember being then The spotlight of the world (all relative) is on you and you're being held up as an example "you are different, apologize and make everything right and normal again." Instead they ran with it, somehow, filed by some bizarre artsy adrenalin.. I dunno.. and just irritated the media like i had never seen before. It both pissed me off and made me admire them at the same time.

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sometimes i get a glimpse of the genius that is around us, in everyday life. I was kind of referring to this back at the beginning of this entry, in that -- sometimes I wonder if I should feel ashamed, do the smart people make me feel.. stupid? It almost seems like brilliance is not even THAT special of a thing. Even moderate brilliance. I always like to think of myself as a smart guy, but i always see myself falling into dumb traps of my own design (imagined, or otherwise). I guess it's good to be humble, rather than overconfident - but at the same time, it's nice (and important) to have a little boost to the old self-esteem. I can look at myself on paper, and think that things are alright.. and I will get reassurance from people, strangers or folks I know.. but I will always dwell on the fuckups. Maybe it's a bad streak, or maybe I have expectations that are too lofty. I think the biggest feeling of disappointment I ever experience is when I do lower those expectations, though..

Ahh well whatever. I should just fix up the rest of my damned website and be done with it so i don't have to have it pestering the lower corners of my brain anymore.