the incorrect lines about the pestilence

what, what was i going to type right now? oh, yeah.

sigh. another late night, a sort of pensive one. a night which feels like it's fallen out of time. is it ironic, or typical, that i've previously spent $250 or so for a huge MP3-filled jukebox with enough music on it to last me a lifetime, yet all I ever listen to is current talk-show downloads or streams of live radio stations (local, yet, inaccessible downstairs as my tuner is compromised. like so many things i own - partially junked!)

a lot going on right now. i had an interview for a job today; it went well. i showed up about 15 minutes late (the freeway exit was missing an important sign and so pointed me several minutes in the wrong direction, before i wised up and corrected the error). It didn't matter, i sat down before a committee of 4 or 5 men and had it out with them, before doing the same before a fresh set of 4 more, all over again.

interviewing is interesting, i've done it several times. i love/strongly dislike talking about what i do for work, depending on the context- going over my passions with strangers is not something i've ever had much of an affinity for, especially when it is stronly and personally relevant to my future, and i have long been the sort who'd get stricken with stage fright in any similar situation. Still, I seem to have got the hang of the interview thing, by now it feels more than ever as if i am in fact the interviewer and those before me the interviewees, "who will i spend my time with next?" In some ways, it's as if judging, beforehand, what sort of a relationship you are applying to involved yourself with: certainly as intimately, and more than romantically. Now I know how women feel, right down to the painful sex part. Anyway, dramatics aside, the interview went well and I feel confident I will get a job offer of some sort out of it (we'd not talked money, but I don't think that'd break it at this point - still, never say NEVER.)

it's been quite, but of course as they say - "when it rains, it pours." I had just arrived home recently when another company called me up on the phone and we had it out for some time this afternoon, probably about an hour. So I will likely have an interview with them in the coming days as well, should things go as they have. And then ANOTHER call came in today, also, my old boss whom I've mentioned recently came through and is trying to place me with yet a 3rd position. Al these things are interesting, and in their ways tempting. None of them is "the perfect fit," not as when I had a strong realization that night back in 2004 (THIS is what I want to do!) No, I have feelings in different regards about many things..

Option #4 is still New York City, and that trip is exactly one week away. The more that topic comes up, the more polarized the answers from those I ask become regarding the matter. This job, above all the rest, is still the strongest draw to me for many reasons, and also the most PAIN IN THE ASS TO CONSIDER at the same time. It excites me, the job itself does - the prospect of killing everything and refreshing my system is exciting to say the least - and the knowledge of what i would be leaving behind is terribly upsetting to balance it all off. I know I will go there and like their project. i know when I am there I will be blown away by the opportunity and say "i want this, i want this..." But for the right reasons? I talked to a friend today, he revealed to me that his age is 24 and that he is working in the industry but "tired of being in the same place, I want to move to a different city; see the world." Oh how that makes me ache!! I am 32, my world is a particular color, i am held by all these things in my life that keep me in a certain way, I wish I could just cut loose and be young and stupid and careless again, care not for what lay ahead. just fuck it and just do it.

I sat on the toilet a few minutes ago, reading a friend's novel about homeless, careless young derelicts passing through the country, without money, without connections, without any care. Not without problems, but not without means either. The story charges me, as other things I have read charged me: miller, kerouac. I leaned forward and saw the contour of my face in the long bathroom mirror. I am wearing a hoodie, it's matting my hair close to my face and so emphasizing the curves and contours that make up my cheeks, my nose, the roundness of my chin. I look tired, I look older, a little silly, a little out of place. Not like the place where these thoughts come from, this character.

I yearn for my stability, but I despise it. I love what I do and I wrap myself around it, and i wish DEARLY for some control and variety of choices in what I will do with my life. they lie at my feet and it's completely up to me now, and I want to turn my back on it all and let my adult mind "choose the proper path" so i can pay bills, save up for my house, be responsible. So WHAT? So I can be married someday, so I can have a house and a wife and a family? Is that what i want? Is that the control that I seek? Isn't that what I am always told will make me happy?

Today was an interesting day. It's given a little bit of my self-confidence back. It is hard-won. And it's reminded me that the biggest problems I have with the world are the real weaknesses I have allowed it to develop in myself, as "special" or "different" as I would like to think I am, I am truly built of a backbone that's just the same as all of my peers, of my progenitors, I am another safe path just following the program. The little blips which I would curse are the gifts, the opportunities in life which truly give one chance to be that difference, to get away from what is known and expected. I am hard on myself I suppose, everything in the world can be black and white sometimes and so I will react with a similar outlook, perhaps I should be a little more considerate of things. I just don't wanna blow it.

damn it, i really want some pie.