the point?

looked at the clock "what the hell, almost 4am already, how...?" then it's hits me "oh yeah, daylight savings..."

stayed in tonight, i spent a day of utter nothingness (once again) and was feeling a little bit of cabin fever, "it's saturday night - i should do SOMETHING!!" But the cool sat nite spot i used to semi-frequent has been turned into a gay club, and the place where the non-gay event got moved is kind of a shitty place (though close - i just get a crappy vibe from it). Well, whatever. besides as noted earlier, i went out friday night and spent a couple bucks i shouldn't've.. though, really, i can't feel too terrible about such things as spending too much time locked down tends to make me kind of nuts and miserable.

i got some zankou and watched a little bit of television (documentary). The older I get,the more i realize that I am quite different from many of my peers, in that i will rarely watch television, rent movies, etc at all. I know i have said this before, but it's to the point where i feel quite alien compared to the rest of the western civilization. the majority of the stuff out there just doesn't captivate me like it used to when i was younger, perhaps the internet has spoiled me (much more interactive). Also I am just not one who likes to watch canned "fake shitty stories, half-realized fanboy fantasy tripe" that seem to make up the bulk of what passes for modern cinema. I'm being harsh, there are definitely plenty of good films, but honestly - it's been YEARS since I was excited about a film. There have been releases here and there which may have caused me to raise an eyebrow, but nothing to the tune of "i HAVE to see this, it will enrich my life" - i just haven't had such a feeling in so long, between any film or television event and i do not miss it one bit. I guess I am a very specific type of nerd, then. On the other side of the world, i DO love learning things.

On top of all i've just written above, i am as fabulous as anyone else at "wasting time," perhaps more so than many - that may have to do with the weirder aspects of my personality.

I have been looking around on "the 3D forums" on the internet a little bit, lately. it's where "i came from," really i have learned so much about my craft back in the day from the discussion groups - but in the past few years my attentions have turned to other things. 3D is still at the forefront of my mind for various reasons, and due to my past as a generalist (as opposed to my current state as "level artist") i always wanna have some kind of a finger on the pulse of what is going on in "the scene" and feel that i know what's up and how to keep current. man, it is humbling to go back - i look in the forums (my favorite has always been http://maxforums.org/) and see what kind of work people are generating, many of whom are just hobbyists, and it blows my mind. makes me feel out of touch. excites me ""ohh i wanna try doing that stuff!" but i know i'd be looking at months of work to go off in a different direction now. which brings me to an important thought-- what the devil do i want? i look at the work i have been doing, and this plan i have had.. i know my capabilities, and i know where my industry is headed, and i KNOW i have to keep evolving in order to keep up. do i want to flesh out my repertoire more? when will i start learning more about human anatomy, character art? when will i put in some hardcore hours doing lighting.. vehicle design.. complicated material work? i know bits and pieces of all sorts of puzzles, and i can make a damned fine city block no questions asked.. but then what? just keep doing what i am doing and call it a day?

i have been musing a lot lately, about "starting a project" - i want to further delve into game design, pretty much. for a guy like me in a game world like this, to say that is something huge because i am soooo NOT a "modern-day gamer" by a longshot. i am still an active-enough retrogamer, and that's my gimmick i guess. But it's not just a trifling fancy for me, this is something i can see as some opportunity for me to evolve beyond just being a shitty staff grunt, as i've been for the past decade of my life. i feel like it's screaming at me, and it's not like i am walking around proclaiming this without anything to back up my plans. i have thoughts all bubbling over in my head, waiting to get the juices flowing, waiting for a language of expression to be developed. it seems like such a no-brainer, not 'cause "i want to make more money"but because this is something new and different and more necessary for me to explore. even if it goes nowhere, i have to at least start trying to flesh some of these ideas out beyond my normal means. it is exciting to me, in these days when i can't know how otherwise to feel excited, generally.

i feel odd. i have been unemployed roughly six months (not yet, but nearly). that's half the longest time i have been out of work - and i have been quite busy for much of the time, but the past several weeks i have been rather non-productive. i attribute it to burn-out, exhaustion, a feeling of "who gives a shit." I can keep making better pieces for my reel, and should, and it would be nice, but.. i will work again, there's no need to rush it. i feel like this time is sort of wasted though, i should be enjoying it then, instead of just puttering about uselessly. wasting my time and my mind, in a way. well, that's a hibernation period, it's not like i've had my head stuck completely in the sand anyway.

it feels good to type this stuff out (there's the therapeutic aspect of blogging), but putting it out there raises some questions for me, and makes me reconsider the direction i have been pushing with my head and my heart lately. it's really an aggravating time - i still don't know what is supposed to happen, what it is that i want to make me happy. in spite of my bitching, it makes me proud of my work (and thankful for my view of the world, even if it's kind of pissy and dark - at least it's unique and it's mine). I still have my ideas to hold onto, and they matter to me!