america's favourite neurotik sun

here i am. i haven't blogged in awhile. by jove i am sick to death of blogging! i am tired of it, like several things i have become slavishly addicted to it and while i's not quite so... destructive as my other addictions, it's certainly putting some wear 'n tear on my soul (and perhaps my lifestyle). well before i lay low for real, i will put down some updates for those curious as to the life and times of my twisted soul.

the last couple of weeks have been some of the most obnoxious of my life - existing in my own head has been a party of evilness. rather than being happy that my days in limbo were numbered, i have felt like i have been sitting at crossroads (or, more appropriately, staring down the barrel of a gun, sonofagun, sonofabitch, getting paid, gettin' rich). stay? go? A B C? I decided to take the job in orange county, southern california. NYC was taking too long to gt back to me while there had been a lingering offer to work locally (well, locally enough) on the table. The circumstances that led to my decision, as usual, were dubious. In the end, as I have all along, I stand by my choice as the proper one. I don't regret it. I won't lie - i am filled with sadness and disappointment. I WANT to reinvent myself for the umpteenth time. I want to pull a trigger and mow myself down in the middle of a crowded Los Angelean street for all to see and as the blood and pieces of brain and skull splatter behind and around me and onto the boulevard, I want to be a fresh naked baby cavorting and tearing up a different town with a different crowd with different places to do, different bars to get wasted at, different personalities to be soiled by. Yeah, I want a change... but I have a change and not at the cost of this future. That's not to say myother future would be bad either, at all. "life's a crapshoot."

Anyway I am not the type who will seriously question "what if... what if.." until the end of my days. I can change my environment but i can't really change my character. After 32 years of being trapped in this shell I know myself somewhat half-decently by now. If I was in a different town I'd find the same type of people, the same type of girl, the same type of jobs. Instead of being sad that I'd stayed with the less mysterious life I've got out here, I'd be sad about all the sacrifices I'd just made to get over there. An eye for an eye. And then I could deal with the consequences.

Okay well I can talk about this up and down, but the reality is.. I am sick to death of the limbo, and happy to be getting into my new situation tomorrow. Yeah my drive will be a pain in the butt. yeah Orange County is drab and colorless. Yeah I might get stuck in another Art Cave with no natural light and bitter people all up in my face. But at least i will be happy doing what I am doing, and excited for where it's directing me.

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I want to start living. I want to fix my bike. I want to buy a skateboard. I want to draw, I want to read more. I want to pay off my credit debt and get my car all fixed up ad running smoothly. I want to stop pissing off my girlfriend. I want to go back to the gym. I want to limit the time I spend in front of the PC when it's not quite so essential that i be in front of it. I want to discover some new music, meet some new people. Drink less alcohol and eat less shitty fast food.

...

I want to indulge some different bad habits...

I don't want to write in this blog anymore. (Watch me be back on Wednesday)