whiner's delight

ohhh boy. i can't even tell ya how long it has been since i last wrote in here. probably only 3 days or so, but it feels like it has been weeks. my life has been, honestly, a frenzy of late. it often seems that way, doesn't it?

Things of note - the last game I worked on "Tony Hawk's Project 8" has been out for, oh, about a week now? That sounds about right. According to the reviews round-up sites, it's placing about 85% average reviews, which is REALLY good considering all the factors. Honestly a part of me would be surprised, except I do know it's a good game. Sales is a different matter altogether, and I won't know those for some time (a month at least?) And, sadly, the more important of the two, I suppose.

A good thing to cheer me up is to realize that I have worked on many well-rated games (decent sales as well) and someday I might try to average that all out. Sadly my bank account doesn't reflect any of that, but at least my resume looks alright for it. Hey, once a grunt, always a grunt, I suppose. Dammit.

Continuing on with my theme from the end of the first paragraph, I am frenzied.. in that, I have been retardedly busy since being laid off. Oh, the first week and a half I kind of lay about in a strange daze, but since then I have been working hard on my portfolio materials, scrambling around researching and applying for jobs, running all over town (literally!) to take care of my various business (pimpin' and playa-in'). Seriously, I feel in these times when I am in-between jobs, I am working at least as hard as I do when I am making money. It's exhaustive, but of utmost importance to kepe on top of one's game, so to speak. no one else is going to take care of you in this world. Not in the long run.

It does sorta suck because the holidays are looming, mere days away from my flight back to Boston, and all I can think about is the fact that I still have a ton of loose ends to tie up and really not much time to cleanly wrap it all up with a nice bow. The essentials are cared for, fortunately, but there's enough to be sitting in the back of my head as I am gone and keep me occupied "but what about.. and what about..." And yeah, I suppose that is just me. I am even worse of a lunatic when I haven't got some stupid shit or other to fret about, perhaps I can never truly relax.

I was feeling a bit ill for 15 minutes back there, but fortunately my health and vigor has returned to me, as usual. Unfortunately, it was a good catalyst to knock me off my gym routine, and the workload and other shit has been enough to keep me from snapping back in. Sigh, and so it goes. I know I won't be out for "months" again, but it's always fuck-king HARD to get back into that groove, and I can see it taking it's toll, alreayd, on my body and psyche. To make matters worse, I still haven't gotten around to getting my iPod repaired. I know that sounds rather inconsequential inthe grand scheme, but let's face it, that thing is INTEGRAL to my gym attendance. Besides having a method of getting there, I need that thing to help get me through. I will, hopefully, track down my repair receipt for it inthe veyr near future...

In addition to my gym absence, I have been eating a lot of very shitty food lately. Just "convenience food" which is unrightfully expensive and definitely not doing much to help my health. I was definitely going pretty well with my little health-kick there for awhile, but it's gone completely out the window. Again,a consequence of the times. I know I will snap back.. "after I am done traveling..." I am ashamed. I ate Burger King yesterday and McD's today. That's not out of the blue either. I am sick of that stuff too, it's not doing much for being appetizing. Time to temper it a bit more. In my defense, as I have said I have been running all over town the past several days and sometimes it's the only way to get yourself fed when you are living that lifestyle. Yeah I could be better and reshape my lifestyle, but I only have so much willpower, I am not a machine.

YES I AM!!!!!!

I came home tonight after a very busy day (freelance meetings and etc), tossed a spot of dinner down my throat, turned on the telly and then passed out about 15 minutes into a seifeld rerun (don't think I've seen that much of a seinfeld episode in probably 3 or 4 years..) I was woken by the phone, I felt liek I had woken up from a 20-year slumbre. I think my composition is DRAINED, man. It is gonna get worse.

I took a shower after that, and as I walked in I was honestly considering the benefits of therapy. To be honest, until very recently (a year ago, or so) I never really thought it was "for me" but upon a little more depth of though, I realized how therapy could be one of the most AMAZING THINGS IN THE WORLD. I am not too concerned with having someone psychologically analyze my character and prescribing X amount of mood altering drugs and all of that, no the interest for me is in the part where you get to go into a room with a complete stranger, and sit down and just unload about all of your fucking problems to them for about an hour a week or so. Yes, there's still this big stigma about therapy in our society or whatever, but to be honest when I consider this aspect of the thing, it sounds like one of the best deals I have ever heard of in my life. You see, guys like me, we tend to think a lot and have some shit to say (surprise, yeah?) but then we also tend not to want burdern others with our problems.. particularly, our friends, coworkers, spouses, etc. Sure, they are all "there for that" to whatever degree but I guess I always grew up feeling more like I was one of the listeners in those sorts of situations than the talker (and I DO my share of talking, as it is). That, I guess, is the origin of things like this here journal, in a way it's my soapbox, my sounding board for all the shit I am regularly trying to process in my unbelievably convoluted brain. And that is great, it serves a purpose inthat it helps me express and get things of my chest, verbalize some of my feelings. But I have also learned that it can be a difficult thing to deal with sometimes, and there's just some shit i can NOT talk about in a public place such as this, not without some undesirable consequences. So it helps, but it's not the be-all end-all. My "Art" as it were helps a lot as well, when I am in the process I can definitely channel my energy through that, and liek they say "art is therapy" but that is sort of a transcendant thing, in some ways. Going and just spilling your guts out to another human being, with no regard for the consequences, is just about one of the most pure answers I can immediately think of. This is one of the areas when I think the catholics got it right, with the whoel confession things - you do bad things, or have shit that's just plain driving you nuts, you sit in a little vestibule and tell the Father behind his partition about whatever the issue is, he forgives you and you go on with your day. How rad is that. My religion just says "we feel bad, we feel bad, but hey god is great, he's gre-e-e-e-a-t (what is he, a frosted flake?), don't kill us god, oh i mean G-d, sorry to not put a dash in your name, Father of Abraham, etc etc etc"

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So my girlfriend hooked me up with some slickdeals lately, and yesterday I brought home a shiny new LCD monitor. Damn.. how tall is this thing? It is huge! 17 inches or something? I can't get over it. I know, everyone else upgraded years ago, but this is a first for me. Okay, it's an off-brand, who cares, it was $150!!!! These things were like a little under 3 times that much a couple of years ago. Yeah, perhaps not the hugely greatest time for me to be throwing money around at such things, but honestly I am doing freelance work at home right now and the old washed-out mother HAD TO GO. That thing served me well over the years but it was no good for doing work on. My other CRT is still here - it's even older, actually - and I would liek to replace that too, but not as pressing. I know it's old news, but I can't believe the difference in the tech, the thing looks so much more pristine and clean, and it is so tuny and light. And less radiation I suppose (what do I know...). I look at the old monster cathode ray tube behemoth sitting dejectedly on the far side of the room over there, and I can't believe how many years I have had to lug it around in all it's 60 pound glory or whatever. My TV is looking big and heavy to me as well (I can't even lift that 36 inch monster!)

Anyway, thanks to May for hooking me up with that, as well as the other things.. very very cool...

On a final note, PS3 goes on sale tomorrow. We got people waiting in long lines, all over the country right now.. for DAYS.. camping out in the harsh elements, etc. People are nuts. I wish I had one, I'd sell one for $2000 profit too!! DAMN! I can't believe it. No freakin' games for the thing even. People are crazy.

Alright. I have work to do. There's your update.