pretty bitter butterfly

swinging thru the streets
dusty, moldy, cold, damn, damp

damn.
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tired. long night. long days too.

i hate the irony of this. i love it but i hate it. i am going to start blindly wishing for other fucked up things to happen. You know what is nuts? Everything I have always thought I "could want," I was always pretty much able to pursue it and make it happen. In fact, in hindsight that has happened quite a lot of the time. And each time it doesn't, I glaze over and "give up."

But it also feels like me "giving up" is more like being pushed back, by what i'll say is reality, or common sense kicking in (okay, really no better way to describe it) and my just general feeling that continuing on is really a poor idea. And that's saying something for a stubborn guy like me.

I feel like I am the type of guy who bitches, sort of consistently that "things in life, why do they have to be.. so hard!" And as the words escape my mouth, on several levels in my brain I feel like.. "no it isn't.. it's just not what you want, or what you think you want" And, honestly, consequences be damned half the time (in such cases when I could never really consider them true "consequences!")

I'm pretty sleepy. It's nearly 5 in the morning, and I have been up for several hours. And to be honest, today was really not a happy day. I went to bed last night very angry and unhappy, and today I woke up in the same mood. I felt like sleeping in between was "stepping out for a bit" but as soon as I regained consciousness, I was still in the same worked-up mood. Granted, it did lighten as the day wore on. Actually, what started out as a lousy day ended up as a pretty alright day. And I guess that's my general philosophy awkwardy expressing itself.