i have to go home

i'll make the cement tomorrow.

it's been a long week.

also

last night i dreamed that i was traveling cross country with my brother, who was (a not-quite-as-old) Ted Danson. He was ridiculously drunk all the time however, and required constant supervision. We stopped at a gas station and i turned my back for one second, and already he jumped into the driver's seat of some other motorist's Plymouth Prowler. He revved the wheels and the thing jumped forward as it was gassing up at the pump, and the front wheelguards got sliiiightly scratched - the owner became very angry with uus and demanded that I pay him a few thousand dollars, or he'd have my brother arrested or sued..

ch8ng3?

may sept. feb july. no different.

yahooo search highlights "spiderman 4 -national treasure - dustin diamond - et cetera"

VACUOUS.

i just had a glimmer.. i have complained about the internet before. my job plants me in front of it daily. i am wired 24/7. i am tired of it, but hopelessly locked in till my body expires.

sigh. i want to unplug. i feel sad lately, in no small part due to the digitalization of my day-to-day life. i just had a one-moment fantasy of a life where i never get online, don't even look at or interface with a computer. obviously my chosen line of work will not jive with such a philosophy. Ah well, it would be happy. Maybe this is why people join the peace corps (don't worry)

yeah i would miss it. i have been spoiled.

all that is in the gameplan of my life, what has been drilled into my psyche by life/love/relationship expectations/society/competitiveness of industry.. "work work work, innovate, earn, save up, progress, adhere to the standard." It's no wonder I had become a scenester the past couple of years in rebellion to that mentality, eh?

(i think i need a vacation!) Maybe next year. Maybe in a few weeks I will go to the beach. spend a few days without interacting with anyone or looking at a screen of any sort.. just dig my toes into the sand, listen to the waves crash, munch on a hot dog with coleslaw and onions, and give not a shit about what time of day it is.

a very short blog - TUES MAY 22

yesterday fired up some more BBQ (i actually got to eat some this time). big parties are cool but sometimes it's just as good to chill in the backyard with just a couple of buddies, a couple of beers and a couple of cheeseburgers. i think i see a lot of that going on this summer.

it's super-late and i am pretty sleepy. 1am and i am just leaving the office right now. i have been making decent work all day though (and got into my rhythm as the day wore on). I miss the old days when i would work late and there'd bye my brothers beside me, toiling away "for the love of the game..." Yup I do miss those days. Sansui with Ted, Skillz, Andy. I found some pictures and they brought me back, what can I say.

Soon enough, eh...

no more cold crotchless undies for you!!

damn is it time to send out my rent check again, already?? damn.. damn damn...

wel, i suppose i had better get on with writing my "semi-weekly blog" out of the way, or whatever. blogging is not really too fun/therapeautic for me anymore, too many people read it (too many people means any more people other than just me), but i guess that is the point.. to keep me from getting too full of myself or something (yeah, isn't that possible?)

Switched my keyboard at home again to the new wireless one may got for me, which means that i am liable to type even more horribly than usual, at least until my fingers re-adjust to this thing. keep it in mind.

exhausted, such a tiring weekend. i actually passed out at my desk (home desk) about an hour ago, i guess.. the phone rang and scared the beejeezus out of me and woke me from my slumber, i screamed and struggled to get up (the chair had pushed all the way up to the desk ad squished me in the space between them). it was a mathematical quandary, yet i loosened myself. So there's the weekend... friday night motored back to LA, stopped in Koreatown to pick up lots of short ribs. Took may out for a drink and then we caught a cab home and passed out. Next day, woke up and ran all around town getting ready for the BBQ, getting keg/buying more food/cleaning apartment/etc. The whole day whizzed and before you know it the thing was full-bore, to all who came out to pay their regards. Always fun to hang out with my friends. We ate lots of meat, nothing got burned, the keg got drained (and the rest of the booze likewise). Tons of food left over but what're ya gonna do, it will be gone in a few days i am sure anyway.

Today got up and ran out w some friends for breakfast, the sun cae out and makde me happy. Then lounged a bit, back home to lounge a but and throw back a couple of beers and actually relax for a couple of hours (!!!!), a couple friends came over and we fired up some of the leftovers. And so it goes. They tried to get me to go out dancing, sooo glad i didn't go (i have no more energy!) and i have been just slowly fading into unconsciousness all evening (until the phonecall). In that vein, R.I.P. to May's little turtle, he is in the giant terrarium in the sky now.. sniff, sniff..

things are alright, as usual.. this keyboard isn't very responsive and so i might have to send it to the giant Dumpster in the sky as well (or across the street) unfortunately. I hate typing words while looking elsewhere, only to discover that they've not made it to the screen.

a very long and busy week ahead of me with work, i still want to start my "industry blog," hopefully i will get to launch that soon. i have a lot of thoughts in my head, work-related, that deserve being committed to the page.

preservatives for the nacho-less

oh okay and one more thing

WHO THE HELL IS READING MY BLOGGGGGGG???? WHO DAMN IT??? WHO WHO WHO?

I updated the damned thing 15 f-ing minutes ago. that's all well and good. 7 people have read my blog since i updated it? on sunday evening? is this for real? in FIFTEEN MINUTES?

okay now i want some goddamned answers. is there some weird bug in the myspace blog viewer tally program? is there some spider bot that constantly keeps tabs on all of the pages all over the vastness of the entire internet, and whenever any page ANYWHERE has some kind of text update then it will ping it and send a "viewed" -- and in this case, this means there's like 10 of these?

or do i have an army of obsessive compulsive followers, keeping up-to-date on the day-to-day nothing that is my non-life? Is it really so riveting to read about how many sodas I drank yesterday, ro what the temperature in la habra was, or what neo-geo game I wish I had bought when i was 16, or that i was fantasizing about some ponytailed overweight white trash gas-station attendent in des moines who made eye contact with me for 4 awkward seconds? is all of this really the fuel for someone's livelihood? please, don't get me wrong, i appreciate your worship, but take my advice, if my blog page is so fascinating to you that you have examined my natural rhythms and developed a sixth sense about when I would irregularly update this thing DOWN TO THE HALF-HOUR, then pleeeaaase find some much more constructive and useful way to spend your mind and your hours than pecking about with my middling bullshit.

Either that, or i am some clueless, sexy genius living in my own time and completely unaware of it altogether. Awash in my own depleted self-esteem, i plod endlessly on through the lonely, empty days of my dark colorless imagined bleak reality while in fact throngs of hot 18-to-37-year old cybervixens hang on every word i type, in between WOWing and applying mascara and making love to themselves in the mirror, and fantasize about me quietly as i spank their pale chunky behindeds in their supercharged virile young nightmarish sexual fantasies.

Either that, or the government is keeping a keen on on me and waiting for an exploitative moment. George Orwell might be right.

BTW two more views since I typed this. Send naked pics to ralp99@hotmail.com

happy mother's day xbox 360 custom faceplate secret agent royal jew

another day in the office.
the A/C isn't working so i am sweaty.
car accident on the 5 so i sat in traffic.
bought metal gear solid 3 for $7 at fry's. maybe i need to play the first two however.
drinking cocacola zero. low in calories, high in sodium.. my blood pressure could use the boost.

my friends all went out partying last night, i stayed in and saved @ $80. we had korean BBQ and i did my laundry anyway.

my fingernails are getting quite long, i keep rubbing my lip and hurting my face. And the keyboard is hard to type on.

my girlfriend reallllly got on my nerves this weekend, but then she wears that dumb cute little skirt to go running and makes me forget why i was pissed at her.. damn it.

I just watched two people playing "The Punisher" (an old 1990s video game, not an egregious medieval sex act) and made a nerdy comment to them about how they could upload more Mame games to their Xbox via FTP. Then I felt ashamed and walked on.

I saw pictures of myself from Skillz & Mong's wedding last September. My hairdo was very messy and sloppy. Like a gross bedhead. I looked like I was having a good time though.

Yesterday I ate an enormous pickle. Hopefully I will not party this week.

fat towels

sattt may twelve, sattt may twelve.

3:30pm, i am sitting in the office on a saturday. trying to pick roast beef out from between my two front teeth, with my tongue. i am not finding much success.

waiting for the sync program to finish file updating so i can open my scene and work on it some more. it usually blasts through in ten minutes or so.. right now it's getting on 1 hr. Dammit. Waste my time.

Things are alright. I had an okay evening last night but woke up in a very lousy mood. It's not much better right now.. i feel like i am fighting with so many things in my life right now. Job, relationship, money. Yeah, everyone else can really say the exact same things, can't they. In fact when one of those drops out, then things get perturbed for real, it seems.

We saw the new zombie movie last night, it was fun! It was sort of a seat-of-the-pants plan to go and check it out, i like things like that. got some food, caught the film, had a couple of drinks (nuthin crazy). the evening was chilly but i decided to walk to mile-or-so home, and it felt really relaxing. i think i will always have a soft spot for the cool nights, if every night was that way i honestly would not mind.

walking home chilled me out a bit, i think i just don't do simple stuff like that enough anymore. as i get older, i am definitely becoming more of a desk-sitter.. not out of laziness, just out of necessity. our society DEMANDS it! Well, i have complained about that countless times so i can leave it on the shelf for the moment.

It was hot this week, like "holy crap oh my god" -hot. I think it was getting on 100, unseasonably warm! We had a big fire in griffith park near my apartment, i could see the glowing smoke from my back lot. Fortunately they contained it, quickly, before any major expensive damage could occur. I see a lot of fires coming up this season - we had almost zero precipitation during the winter, which is usually the rain season - everything is "bone dry" as they say. Maybe California will burn up as it slips into the Pacific Ocean.

I remember when I was in middle school i saw a movie called "bill and ted's excellent adventure," starring a couple of doofus stoners from southern california. They had that shitty surfer accent and way of speaking that just seemed too cartoony to be real. Fast forward a couple of decades and i still regularly see people who talk like IDIOTS in my day to day life. I know, I am not better, I cuss like a drunken sailor (hey, it's a way to be) and it makes me sound pretty stupid at times - i shouldn't throw stones. Anyway it just amazes me when i hear relatively smart people with retarded dialects. It actually surprises me sometimes. While i am on a roll with complaining about how people talk, my new pet peeve is the general public's cutesy nicknames for the internet.. people like to say shit like "i heard of it on the interwebs, the internets, the intertubes.." etc etc. Gah! it pisses me off! I guess just cause it's one of those "trendy smart-alecky" things that people like to say to come off like they are snarky and well-to-do, "ohh i am cool, i make fun of the internet." You damned bozo, you have a fucking myspace page like everyone else. When were nerds allowed to make fun of nerds (in a demeaning way?) Okay, now I am being snarky too. I can't help it though. I dislike.

I had to get it off my chest, anyway.

Anyway, my file update completed at last. I have to listen to 8bit music on my headphones now. Rock on, BlasterMaster.

boredwitcha

alright. today was a really hot one. i heard it was creeping on close to 100 degees in Orange County today.. I believe that... the ride home tonight in my car was extremely stuffy, even at 9 in the evening, enough to make me feel very disgusting. i came home, threw all the windows open upstairs in the bedroom, then back downstairs to chill out a little and crank the AC for the first time in many, many months.

sigh,. and i realized that there's no water in the fridge. i don't really feel like havin' a beer either.

come to think of it. i have not had a drink in a little over a week now. okay i had a single beer saturday night, but y'know. seriously, once in awhile i will go on a sobriety binge, to the tune of a few weeks/a month, for whatever reason. it can be a harsh reality check (my soul needs the escapism), but when i get my feet wet with it then it becomes hard to want to go the other direction. yeah, my personality has been split in half for a few years now.. each of us can't really stand the other, but we know the reason that the other has to be there (don't you love the talk of the schizophrenic?)

Actually my "crazy self" has been retired for a long time now, or at least he is deep in hibernation. If anything, his mellowed-out distant cousin is all that gets expressed when I am letting loose. I think it's symptomatic of age, and exhaustion. Do I sound defeated yet? I guess my mood is pretty somber, beaten-down lately. That's no surprise, there's only so many times you can bounce back with full-on fervor before you start to flag a little. I am definitely feeling winded from the events of the past couple of years, not so much physically tired as mentally and emotionally wrung out..! Okay, I over-dramaticize (as usual) and anybody could call me out with the usual accusations ("Ron, you think too much!") But well, what else is new. I DO think too much.. that's who I am, and how it'll always be, more and more. I couldn't do what I do the way I do it, if i wasn't over-analytic (to a fault) It's okay, I have met enough people who function in the same way.

Hey, I am hitting my midlife crisis! What the hell, aren't I supposed to be about 15 years too early for this crap? I have this nagging feeling, that a lot of the people I am talking to lately are easily about 10 years my junior, and they can't relate to a lot of the stupid stuff that is buzzing around in the back of my head. It's really bizarre. Whenever I go out, most of the girls at the clubs I'll be at were probably born at least in the mid-80s. At least! That's no big deal, but the truth is I never really attached much significance to this stuff until the last year or so. When I turned thirty I kind of wrote it off as "just another number" but now it's already been a couple of years. Two years is nothing but 2 more will fly by just as easily. Then a couple more. Pretty soon I will have to start thinking about behaving like an adult... --gulp--

I am feeling a bit alienated from the popular culture lately. I can't think of hardly a SINGLE album that I want to buy. Maybe, seriously, just one, and even then I could give or take. I used to be such a music hound. I heard a commercial on the radio "Tonight is the last episode of King of Queens" hey I have never even SEEN the show! And then, there's my industry. Most people I associate with have serious honest-to-goodness nostalgia for videogames that got released long after I stopped playing them! Yeah. I am really getting left behind.

I need a kick in the ass with the "media consumption," as they say. Most of my contemporaries like to buy and collect things.. I collect a little crap here and there, nothing heavy duty beyond the occasional passing fancy. Anyone who reads this with any regularity knows my usual credo "I'd rather create stuff than just consume it," but these days when I am throwing myself into a new creative, uh... whirlwind, I can't really completely count on my work to help me express my serious underlying need for that cathartic release.

I have been in a bad mood, not terrible but just adjusting. My new job is making me appreciate the old one (and the old one pissed me off). I think it's more of the same, I am just getting tired of jumping from one ship to the next, one life to the next - no surprise there. A new cast of characters, once again. Of course, after all these years, I kind of have developed these templates in my head for the basic types of people I'll work with. It's a little strange, I can almost effortlessly break down most of them into stereotypes at this point, it's been so many revolutions. I guess I am on someone else's template as well then, yeah? No one is really special, are they...

I am still planning on starting a game industry blog. I feel like it is kind of vital for me, again not just to vent but rather to stir up a bit more of my own presence in the industry. I want to launch into it immediately but there's a few things holding me back, this stuff can be sort of delicate for a bunch of reasons. Lately I find myself spending several hours each week listening to industry-related podcasts, and for a moment I considered possibly even going that route. Sigh. that's a weirder though. Blogging is one thing, but literally having a "regular voice" is a whole other matter. At this point it is easy as hell to create such a thing, even market it, and with my particular perspective I wouldn't have much trouble stirring up some attention with one. The one's I have heard, which are popular enough, are already put out by relative sideliners (I said relative, not to take away from the people that actually go through all the regular trouble of doing those things).. but I do know if I hopped on that bandwagon and kept at it with some regularity and fervor, it would put me on the fast track to where I'd like to be (out of gruntsville and in charge of some larger business). Maybe I will dabble in it, maybe I will throw myself at it's mercy.. it's such a strange time now, with that sort of thing - this "new media," and everyone can have their fifteen minutes of fame.

For those that don't know, if there is anyone who reads this thing and doesn't know what a podcast is, here's a super-brief rundown.. basically it's a regularly-produced episodic program on whatever topic you can imagine, in the style of a radio show. usually extremely low-budget, it'll consist of about 4 or 5 guys yakking over their PC microphones to each other and recording a sound file, which will then be distributed over itunes or the web or whatever to be played back on an ipod (hence the name) or, just winamp or whatever. It's a new thing and there's a bajillion of them out there already, but for what I do, there's only a tiny handful of pro-level ones. And from what I can tell, there's not really more than a couple of developers who actually produce such things with any regularity, and certainly not on the micro level of a game artist or designer. Yeah, Insomniac studios has their usual thing, Hideo Kojima's got something in that fashion (last I checked it was unlistenable, but either it's got better by now or they've since scrapped it) - I am sure there's gotta be a couple more out there, somewhere. Anyway - I don't wanna ramble on too much about this stuff, it's exactly the reason that I wanted to start a second industry-related blog. Maybe I will launch a site right NOW (man, it's so weird that one can do that in the blink of an eye)

Myspace is no longer of much interest to me (maybe if i was single, ha) and in fact I don't find myself scouring the web for much frivolity these days.. maybe cause i have started working and my mind's on that stuff, or maybe it's just a crazy enough time with everything else going on that it's hard to get bored enough. Maybe the novelty's worn off, and last but not least maybe I'm too self-centered and would rather just work or write something halfway interesting. I do spend a lot of time reading up on what's going on over at the forums though, but that seems to be about it.

My friend Matt made a short film, it is in the wrapping-up stage (when is it gonna get "put out into the world." man?) I decided to throw him a bone and contributed a little time to make a lo-tech website for the project (that's about as far as my web-prowess extends anyway), check it out... http://www.bornhye.com/ .. at the very least you can see a preview for the actual film. I have mentioned it before in this journal, matt and scott did an excellent job putting this film together and I hope they can get it out there while the gettin's good!!

1am. time for some shut-eye.

spiral stairs

new contact lenses (several months overdue), but the right eye is kind of smeary.

listening to loveline with ron jeremy.. such a nebbish. i did meet that guy, once..

So i lived in thai town for a few years, which might as well be named Little Armenia (in fact, it may well be for all i know)... point is I have developed a taste for the Armenian food. Frequent readers of this blog (all four of you) will know of my love for Zankou chicken -- since starting this new job, i have been sad to find that my new place of employment isn't surrounded by much in the way of "interesting character food," and I don't mean of the sort which repeats on you. We got subway, jack inthe box, and weinershnitzel, sigh. Anyway I miss my schwaerma! I did a little yahoo searching and found some local armo place, the web says it's "one of the best Aremian restaurants in Orange County, if not the entire country!" Well hell, I had to check this out. it's like 5 miles away, i hopped in my car and flew over there.

Okay, they charged me $13 for a roast beef pita sandwich with some french fries. Dude, $13? I know I am Jewish, but c'mon. Zankou + Tarzana Armenian Deli will give you 3X the amount of food for that price. Anyway I already made it that far, so I forked over the cash and read the local rag while they prepared my sandwich. Might I add the restaurant was HUGE. It was full of geriatric folks and looked like a freakin' fancy well-to-do Vegas Resort uppity eatery. So at this point my expectations were getting mixed. I got back to my office, grabbed a soda and sat down at my desk. The fries were cold, soggy and limp, and then I bit into the pita and oh my GOD, i started to tear up!! not with joy, but with holy shit spicy goddamn mustard is in this sandwich! Mouthfuls of it. Mind you I enjoy spicy food, but this was retarded - the sandwich, it caused me physical discomfort to eat it. But I had already made it all the way back to the office and I had such a light non-dinner the previous evening, I eschewed the morning's bagels.. i paid 13 goddamned dollars for this !@)*!@% miserable excuse for a sandwich. I soldiered through the poisonous mustardy lettuce layer as my nasal passages blossomed and i wept, and i made it to the roast beef layer, which was as unfantastic as the rest of the meal was, erhm, pungent. Anyway I polished the thing off and swore never to return to this godforsaken eating establishment. The search continues.

I'm having a BBQ in a few weeks and I would like to be a good host and support some half-decent videogame-playing. I have a huge arcade joystick for my PC and I'd like to hook it up to my xbox (no one likes playing party games huddled awkwardly around a computer screen). I ordered an adaptor to plug my joystick into the xbox, like most things in my life it's DIY and will require some nifty finagling to get the things working properly - my inner mechanic thrills at the challenge, so long as it's not a big expensive waste of money. Sigh, I really should learn some automotive shit.. anyway I have yet to get my xbox modded anyway (hopefully soon!) so until such a time, I won't know if Tab A fits into Slot B.

Also I have been looking into buying a projector. My girlfriend's been gung-ho for me to shell out for a big screen LCD for the living room, but those things are prohibitively expensive and I am pretty happy with my 36" CRT (i know, ron who hates materialist things is switching gears into yuppie mode). The point is - it's nice to have a fancy crazy screen, but for the amount of TV/vids i watch, I am more than all set with the setup I have working. Though, I saw my friend's projector recently and it really felt like being at a damned movie theater! And it's kind of unique and unusual, which I like. So, I have been looking a bit for the heck of it and i think I found a good deal <$500. That's a great price, if the product is good. I gotta do a little more research - if it's getting over that, then I can happily not give two shits. But yeah, BBQ with Guitar Hero on Projector Screen would be pretty rockin' I have to say. We will see...

Ironically, i haven't ever played that game, unlike everyone else in the world. What? Ron didn't play a video game? Hey, if the screen moves, I don't wanna touch it, alright?

So the days are flying by at work. I mean they go by FASSSSST. It's a little shitty actually, not that I don't like to go home and do other stuff besides work, it's just that I certainly do want to be able to get my stuff done in the appropriate time. I don't feel like I am dragging my heels, but i do feel like I'll start getting into my rhythm and then --poof-- it's time to pack it in and go home already. I guess I can just stick around and put in some extra hours for the hell of it, for the time being..

output filtration

and so we reach the end of another april. and so, i notice i have not been blogging too much lately. well not at all really. i notice that my spare time for such things has been diminishing, markedly. i guess it's not so much of a huge surprise, as these things go...

things have been busy. work's not really been "crunch," but it IS work. my commute isn't bad, but it definitely eats into my "spare time" - i can always be more efficient with my time, i guess (well, that is the plan anyway). The point is, i need to find a way to make more time for the "periphery" of my life. That's a little pressing. Even if it is not urgent, i want to start hacking away at it and get that kind of system in place - developing a decent routine is obviously a priority.

I haven't felt like blogging about my personal life in here lately, probably a good thing. Having a public blog isn't the best option sometimes. I do it this way for my reasons, not that I am so concerned with people thinking I am cool 'cause I like to update this thing (cause yeah it is soooo coool yeah yeah) I just find it is a lot more humbling to write things that could be seen by anyone rather then get wrapped up in my own overblown rants that would be intended for my eyes only (yeah, it gets bad). Well, whatever, it's always some kind of experiment I guess. I do miss writing though, and I want to be a little more on top of it. For one thing, I am thinking of starting a second blog - I know have mentioned it before - but I think it would be a good move in many ways for my life, my career if I began some sort of specifically industry-themed blog. i often have much to say about what I do for a living, and it's always coursing through my thoughts - I DEFINITELY have a very unique vantage point of things, and hell I have been working for a decade by now, so I have seen some shit. Anyway there's upsides and downsides to attempting such a thing, and I should be careful about it. I do think that for where am I am now (and where I want to eventually be,) it's as good a time as any to raise my visibility in my field and put my name, my thoughts out there a little more. This will be interesting..

On this topic, work is going well. It's about 6 weeks in, and I am pretty well-adjusted here. I have LOTS I would love to write about my new job, but as the nature of all things goes, I will just say that things are good and I am not regretting my decision to join up with this studio. It's a very weird time in games right now and I feel happy to be in a stable kinda place which treats their employees well. I look forward to spending some solid time here and turning out some nice work. I am DEFINITELY learning a lot right now and not just merely "going through the motions," so though it gets to be a pain in the butt at times, it's reassuring and satisfying. Also finally getting to gel with some of my coworkers a little more, which is one of the most important parts of ANY job..

I partied a bit this weekend, after having a weird fight with my girlfriend. It made me feel weird, and in fact I have been feeling weird about a lot of things lately. How many times did I just use the word "weird?" Anyway, we got over it and things are okay, we don't argue often but once in awhile we'll sort of back each other up against a wall and kind of re-evaluate things in our heads "is this what we want to do, should we keep dating?" That stuff is tough, when you are younger it's easier to be bull-headed and say "screw this!" But as I get older I look at things more rationally.. "I am with this person for a reason, is the good stuff better than the bad stuff?" We both seem to think so. It's tough sometimes though - we're very different people, at very different stages in life. I think that is one of the things that excites us both, though...

The partying was kinda blehhh, I am glad i indulged a bit since it seems to have turned me off from that a bit more. It's hard to live in Hollywood around all this endless craziness and NOT get warped from it, and it really does something to your head.. Especially if you are a guy like me, at my age, in this industry. Excuses, excuses. I have managed to find better ways to make it more affordable (drink at home, walk to the club, don't bring a CC) - all these things add up to save your ass!! Anyway as I have lots of bills to whittle down right now, excessive partying is a bad notion for me anyway, so I am glad to put that on the backburner anyway. It is hard to turn the volume of the city down, though. Fortunately, I do have other things which can captivate my attention and keep me occupied besides going out and goin' nuts...

Weather is getting nicer, it's been cool and overcast (which isn't bad) but yeah, i need some nice days at the beach to just r-e-l-a-x, man that sounds good right now. ALright, I am going to stifle the small talk - get home, cruise over to the gym (i need to lose this gut!) and work off a little energy. I'll post about my "game blog" shortly. Maybe in the next month.

duck punch chicken

holy shit it IS friday the thirteenth, well lookit that.

how to sum up this week. let's see.

"call the doctor!"
"pay your taxes!"
"Obesity gene discovered!"
"where's my paycheck?"
etc etc.

work's shapin' up. i can't believe i am wrapping up my 4th week there already. i got moved into a different room today, by myself (another new hire will be coming to share it with me next week). yeah i have been meeting tons of new people..

i am getting tired of meeting people...

still getting used to the new tech, and my different attitude about this project. a lot of things have changed in my mind, since my last job. i feel myself getting older and jaded - SLOW DOWN! it wasn't a really crazy week, and i didn't spend much money - except on gasoline, i am spending lots and lots of money on petroleum these days.

it's nice having an ipod again. it's just nice. being without for so long has reminded me that i don't "need one" anymore though, but it's handy to have around in the car i gotta say. it's also nice to have a car radio that works again (fixed it a year or so ago, after several years of it being ghetto-sort-of-working)

this don imus garbage is bullshit, BTW. I don't care for his show but i do care for freedom of speech. this country can be irritating sometimes. i remember being upset about the rising power of PC in the late 80s. the hypocrisy stuns me, but then.. i have slowly gotten used to it. I can see the newspapers 5 years from now "white person says 'black person' in the media, is fired" I have no problem with tolerance, it needs to go both ways - though i can say i really understand why this shit happens. I do not AGREE with it but i understand it. As for Imus, I am sure he is okay with retiring and history will probably be alright to him in spite of all of this. Honestly the thing is that no one even CARES about him - the only ones who do are the old conservatives in the closet who actually do subscribe to his school of thought, but they're the ones who are too frightened not to pull the trigger. Well they deserve what they get then, too bad that it sets a terrible precedent for the rest of us to have to suffer through however.

sorry, it hits too close to home in some ways.. i will just put it on the shelf for now.

weird week, weird mood. glad it's payday, i need a few more of these in a row to help lessen the sting (and the stink). adjusting to my new life, and wondering where the next phase is going to take me. sigh, memories, last time i said something ominous like that it took me some distance..

it's 2:30 in the morning. i've not slept well at all this week. probably should give it a shot.

end alarm piano

remember when i used to blog like every fifteen minutes?

end-to-end, it has been a pretty good weekend. spent a lot of time hanging out with my friends, having some drinks, some laughs, some good food. running around town ad just takin' it sleazy. yeah, you know what? i feel like i am sort of coming out of a fog. now that some of the shit in my life is getting a little more sorted out, it's becoming easier to feel normal-er. i am psyched i have a job to go to tomorrow, my car is (mostly almost all) dealt with (new registration etc), taxes are good to go (gotta drop in the mail, just a couple days left!) My apartment is in nice shape. i had some better times with my special lil' lady-friend... i have a new ipod at last (thanks justin!) which i have had nearly a week and still not loaded up with tunes yet. i should rectify that immediately, dammit.

yeah,things are pretty good, and looking up - my mood is turning around. don't get me wrong, i am still a pissy whiny mofo, but that is what makes me so damned lovable right...?

i guess i have lots of things to say (as usual) but it's late and i need to get some rest. by the way, started going to the gym once again, 'bout damned time too... btw this is my 401st post in here dammit..

crash course teeth shattered

actually i typed "may" for the date for a moment. that would be ludicrous (--wince-- may '07 is only a single month away)...

tired. it's the beginning of my 3rd week of work, i'm settling in. it's been busy ramping up, getting to know some of the guys there, finding my place. some cool people work there, friendly. Like i said before, it's very different than other places I've worked.. similar in some ways, as well. all game companies are comprised of nerds, just different kinds of nerds (i am a particular kind as well, shocking right?) I am starting on my levels tomorrow, after just getting used ot software/technique/styles.. I am kind of just jumping into this now. You see, every game company follows a different procedure for how they handle the production. At other studios I've worked at, I've been secondary to a designer who would usually "own" the level. In this situation, the designer apparently roughs things out in the early stage and then passes the whole thing over to me to own, very much upping my own status as designer at this point. That's a daunting thing.. exciting, though. But yeah, while I will have others to support me, I am pretty much the last person to touch my levels, it appears. This will be interesting.

Looking at the tech we have, and the "freedom" I might be enjoying (good or bad?) I feel that this will be a tremendous growing experience. I know it's trial and error, but i am up to the task.. I have spent thousands of hours building all sorts of assets to all kinds of specs by now! I know my way around.. anyway, exciting to get into the groove.

Driving back and forth between Hollywood and Orange County hasn't been as horrendous as expected, actually after my initial interview I knew it would likely be manageable. Well, 3 weeks in and it's not phasing me so far, anyway. As I have mentioned, I am putting a lot more mileage on my car (and gas into it), but there's always a tradeoff. Anyway my wits aren't frayed and I am not miserable from the drive - the trip home is rather pleasant! Long enough to feel like "how much further? ohhh almost home, there's downtown!" Seriously, probably the same commute time-wise as when I worked at Rhythm or Zoic, Left Field... never mind Boston..

though I did think that I left my house keys in my desk drawer in the office as I was at the half-way point driving home. i was SURE of it. I pulled over and searched the car, fortunately they were in he back seat (that was close, I was about to get miserable). I didn't have any way to get back into the office at that time of night, and I would have to break into my own apartment.. probably climb up the roof. Haha. it's pleasant to know that I could do that (would be burglars, ignore this.. thanks).

Before I get off the topic of cars... well, since I got paid, and my registration is expired as of Sunday, I went to get a smog test last weekend. Failed! Pissed!!!! Ah well, after 10 years and about 170,000 miles, I guess I was due. Anyway I brought it to the best mechanic ever, and he says it's all good to go and only gonna set me back $70. Well, we'll see tomorrow when I re-test. If it's for real, than I am a happier person for it. Still, the fact of the matter is - my car runs well, but it IS old. I haven't had to pour money into it in years, but it needs a tune-up badly (from the dealer) - and no matter what, I am closing in on the big 200! With my 40 mile-each-way commute, it is not gonna be long before I get within range. I have to face it, i'll be needing a new car someday. Unlike most people, i am not a "car guy..." I like to have that shit all paid off and not demanding of worry. One thing at a time.

Movies... the Fast and The Furious was on TV the other night. Man, do they really make movies THAT stupid? I never saw it before but I knew it'd created something of a cultural sensation. Ah well, I guess there's room for movies like that - hard to watch though (but I like a good chase scene as much as anyone). Not seen any terrific movies on the big screen of note, lately. Nothing terrible, but nothing inspiring either. Like all the other manchildren in the world I am looking forward to the next Spider-man I guess (don't really give too much of a shit, but I am sure I will check it out.. those are kinda fun to watch). And of course the Transformers movie will be out in a couple of months. I feel like I can predict already what kind of a movie it will be... honestly I hope there's a bit of fanservice in it, and it will be kind of a kick to watch no matter what I guess. But i think after what happened with the Star Wars prequels years ago, my generation has learned a valuable lesson, "you can't go back..."

I will tell ya what though, we were looking at the Arnie DVD "Total Recall" at work today. Man, I remember seeing those movies when I was a kid, back when movies were made somewhat differently than today (and they played very differently as well!) Yeah I am whiny "it's not the same as it used to be" but those action movies inthe eighties, with their---uhm, analogue SFX and stuff, extremely limited CG, greenscreen mattes, miniatures, etc etc - there's something very endearing about it. It's not like the old days of Hollywood, as there were decent budgets and established history for lots of that stuff, so things always looked good (if not unbelievable.. and somewhat limited) - but there was such a thing as Suspension of Disbelief. Nowadays movies are much higher-standard, and things look bad only if they don't look PERFECT. yes the shots are impressive and numerous, but they are not quite so novel anymore. Maybe I am just getting old..

Watching "The Children of Men" was noteworthy, along these lines - they had some very long takes, and though they were obviously choreographed (and doubtless spliced together), that shit is still very difficult (and costly) to do. In this day ad age of hyperactive ADD cuts all over the place, it was certainly something to watch that film with those ridiculous scenes (motorbike attack, soldier battle at the end of the film) and think about how they must have been created.

Not much else to report here.. my mood is alright. things have been weird in my life and it is settling down to some sort of normalcy, once again. I need to save up some money and pay off my debts (as I have said, again and again). Right now I need to concentrate on getting into focus and finding my place at work, "my gang" and all of that.. find my passion for this project. And just keep on goin'...

BTW it is nice to have health insurance again. In a couple of weeks I am gonna get me some'a them new-fangled contact lenses, yeee-hoo!!!

multiple carrots

whew! the week is almost wrapped up. good. i need to take care of a bunch of things this weekend... It's been a strange week. Last week was rough as it was "new job!" and i was sick, this week it's been hitting me a bit more "this is where i work now..." and that I am gonna be in it for awhile. But yah, it is definitely starting to grow on me. I have seen some other scenes from the game and it's just.. damned gorgeous. A little daunting (i have a lot of software and technique to adjust to) but I know i will be alright. I have to say, the job is good but I STILL hate orange county. I hate it, i drive around during lunch and it just makes me upset. OC's not a bad place, but it's not a place for me. Whatever, I wasn't a big fan of the valley either anyway. That being said I completely feel justified in my decision to commute to that studio from this city, rather than relocate to be closer to the office (shorten my commute). Yeah, the drive in and out is a bit on the long side, but it's not what i would call unbearable. We'll see what I am saying a year from now. But HOLY GEEZ I am going to be putting a lot of miles on my car and gas into my tank. I filled up two nights ago and already I am at half a tank. It's crazy.

We saw 300 tonite. It's may's spring break and I have been kind of a bummer boyfriend for.. awhile, so I thought it'd be a nice gesture to take her out for a decent meal and a flick (she picked). i want to take her out for a nice time this weekend as well - i feel bad 'cause she had some plans for the break which sort of fell through and she's been sort of chilling on the couch, I want her to enjoy herself before getting back to the academic grind, y'all!!

I always make fun of my Dad ("you live in the PAST!!!") as he is always talking about toys and food and stuff he remembers fondly from his childhood.. he is quit a nostalgic fella, i tell you. Well I can't hold a candle to him, or can I.. As i get older i realize i spend a lot of time in my head regurgitating the innocence of my youth, err, the material innocence of it. I grew up a pretty spoiled kid, whether it's good or bad I can't say. But i reflect on it a lot, the stuff i had when I was a kid, the long-lost weird toys of the eighties (oh come now, i am part of an extremely nostalgic generation, there's a whole cottage industry built around this phenomenon-- it ain't just me!!) I bought oneof these things off of eBay and it arrived in the mail yesterday..

yeah, i bought a tabletop pac-man, so sue me. i haven't seen one of these things in a zillion years, but it was one of my favorites when I was a wee tyke (I was a pacman junkie, to be sure). Much to my delight my folks got me one of these in.. man, 1982 or something? We used to go to the Cape Cod every summer, and I brought it with me ad left it on the floor. My Dad was skulking to the kitchen late one night, and he stepped on the &^*&(%ing thing and the top "cabinet" part broke off - the machine still worked, but it was kinda ghetto and crappy. I would put the broken-off part on my head and pretend it was a Darth Vader helmet (it's wild to look at that thing now and realize that my head was once little enough to fit in there..)

I had a Zaxxon one as well, which had a really cool dual-screen with mirror effect (not gonna try to explain!) whose batteries melted and destroyed it... and there was a series of like 4 or 5 other ones which i never had got my hands on. I am kinda tempted to lay out he cash and buy a few more just 'cause they look soooo cool... I am not real big collector but it's fun to collect things that came in real small sets, sometimes. Also, it is pret-ty nerdy. Or maybe i will just save my money for booze instead. HAW!

It is 2am, i can't believe it. I wanted to do some work tonight but instead i just surfed and blogged.. and now i must get some sleep, i've got another full day ahead of me tomorrow.

Oh yeah and halllujah it is PAYDAY!!
ps don't worry matt i haven't forgotten about your site... just settling into my new situation..

maximum results yielded by minimum effort

first week of work = all done. interesting times, very much so - shitty in that already i am sitting amidst a hotbed of potential politics, sort of. is there ever ANY WAY OUT OF THAT?? Fucking clearly not, ever. What else is there, then. I guess "i love it..."

I guess I am getting old. I KNOW i am already getting more neurotic. Dude, I bought rogaine today. I bought ROGAINE today!! That's unbelievable! I can't believe it.. maybe i should sign up for the goddamned 401k plan after all. Sigh, whine, wheeze.. where are my golf pants, Maureen?

Edwin and I went to the Asian Night at the Vanguard last night. That guy can talk me into anything "yeah, twist my arm!" Well,it was fun. I needed to celebrate I guess, and what better way to do it than doing what i do best.. anyway it was fun. we had a long night and ended up at another place up the street. It was alright... another forgettable evening plowed into oblivion by a lil' excessive jagermeister. Always winds up with me in one piece (hey if i die quite suddenly, at least i'll have never seen it coming)

It was a weird week, kind of sad. The dust is clearing, so to speak. i have a BEHEMOTH of work ahead of me, in some ways.. i have to learn a lot of new skills and make a good impression. Rebuild my rep from scratch yet again, man.. i am kinda tired of this. I do what i have to, and it'll feel a lot better after I get that first paycheck in my bank account. Till then it's a little of "herrrrre we go again, tis time with a little feeling, sucker..." But yeah. a weird week. It is The Future, welcome to it.

Buying some shit on ebay lately. yea. some SHIT. For real. Stuff i dn't really want, or need, and probably can't afford. It's alright, we are all allowed a little stupid leeway here and there now and again (then in now, if and then, fore and aft). EBay is like A Magic Endless Vegas Christmassy experience. So gratifying "what can i get away with?? what crap would I LOVE?" This is coming from a guy who likes to own almost nothing. Okay, I Am being harsh on myself for a minute, I am not so shameful. I just want to have my ow stupid shit that is completely irrelvant to my real life for 15 minutes out of my day to distract me from the other shit (like Rogaine). Anyway there's something magical about coming home from work and finding brown packages containing cool surprises randomly left at your door. Or did I just describe dog shit.

We went to an Art Show tonight, a former coworker of mine had some sculpture being shown at this gallery opening. I was expecting a quiet mellow night, the place turned out to be packed to overflowing. It was pretty much a mob scene (hey well ya know, free rinks). I don't know this person very well, but he is a really nice guy, very talented and honestly.. in this digital field we all work in, it is nice to see someone I know actually doing some creative production which is tactile (more so than just a PS3 disc with some GBs of data on it...) It was nice to go out, but a bit weird.. I haven't anything against Santa Monica, though it can be a bitch to drive over there sometimes (not real bad though). I have got spoiled in that i live in a hip area, and I can easily "let my hair down" and get back home with no real problems. I won't really get shitfaced when I am out of my Comfort Radius unless it's a special-special occasion, and half those times i can't really "feel right" 'cause my alter ego cant justcome and go as he pleases (and oh yeah, he pleases). It's too bad 'cause there's a whole world out there to explore. But good 'case it keeps me outta trouble.. I guess.

Anyway a bunch of old coworkers at the party. Some fellas I hadn't really seen since I got let go, um, 6 months ago. You know, i'll always hold my time at Neversoft with a degree of reverance, as I've always said "imagine working with all of your best friends, that's what it's like" and it was really true.. it was a happy time for me, even when it was miserably obnoxious. So yeah, good to see those old guys again, but in this weird context, makes me kind of want to put that chapter of my life behind ad get on with the new one - there's a whole lot of work to do, yet.

One of the bosses was there as well (one of the guys who pulled the trigger and fired me) - which was a little awkward. Man, I cannot express, even now after this time has passed I STILL strongly fantasize about telling those assholes off.. it makes me raelly bitter, just makes me feel like useless shit. I know "it's business and all" but for crying out loud! I want comeuppance! Well I could say shit, but I am mature enough not to be a dick and shoot myself in the foot like that. he did say hi and what's up and all of that, i didn't humor him with any bullshitty small-talk - I really don't wanna go into that. I wanna say i wonder what I'd do if had been drunk, but I don't think i'd be out of control about it then either.

I guess some of this happens in life to you, from time to time.. you have a situation where it's the you that you WANT to be and the you that you HAVE to be.. you just gotta suck up and do the right thing, be productive and well.. not a dick. Anyway the art world is a weird one. It's not something that I honestly am attracted to, in the business/social sense, though I can see it's usefulness at times. It is pretty irritating though. Coming from a guy who lives in Hollywood.. wtvr.

aw shucks

I feel like this was the last time i was really happy and carefree. Ironically i was recently fired, but i guess my life was sorta coming apart at the seams anyway, just then.

Seeing those pics pisses me off, almost - I want to be happy like that, again! I will settle down with this job and get back to regularity. Accomplish the goals I have set (get out of debt, become better at my job, etc). But if I am still feeling bummed then I am gonna do something positive about it.. I need to have some good times again.

Seize the day, as they say...

first day at Obsidian Entertainment

well, sick of blogging, but good to be historical. My how time flies.. well after 6 months of confusion, today was my first day at "the new job." I accepted it not even a full week ago, and just a couple of days ago I was still stressing over "should i pass? can i pull out, is it too late.. should i just snap and go to new york!!?"

Yeah, there's no way that stuff can't still be lingering in my head, at least not for a little while. I am getting lots of weird feedback from all sorts of people "why did you do this?" Next time I have major life decisions to make I will just keep them to myself, apparently.. haha. Anyway, Obsidian is.. NOT Neversoft, that's for damned sure. Completely different vibe. It is weird being "the new guy" again, the one who gets introduced in a flash to tons of more-established-at-that-studio people. They put up a little message on the company internet board "welcome to Ron Alpert!" And then there was a brief monday afternoon company meeting "Welcome Ron Alpert from Neversoft" (clapping) Yeah, I guess I have a little bit of an image now.

Actually it was a really terrible 1st day. I didn't have an awful drive in, in fact it took me exactly one hour (whew!) and the traffic wasn't crippling as I was expecting. But all day I was nursing a fresh new cold, sneezing and dripping all day to the delight of onlookers and new fellow coworkers (do you detect my sarcasm?) If not for being my first day I'd have taken it off, actually. But I soldiered thru it - got all my apps installed, all my quick keys and custom-software configurations set up.. did some paperwork, and started soaking up the design docs for the project I'll be spending the next year and change of my life living intimately with.

To reiterate - Obsidian is NOT NEVERSOFT. Not by a longshot. This place is relatively "new" (2003) but borne of the ashes of an older company with many of the same principles - anyway, probably at least as old as NS if not a little older, but completely different style. NS is all about the punk rock and roll "bad boy" culture, this place is more of the "laid back 'we're a production studio'" vibe. Not as hectic and intense.. it's gonna be weird to adjust to a more "normal job," but i do know one thing - the game, while not my usual cup of tea, has some potential to be a GOOD looking piece of software, regardless of how it ends up selling. I can tell there's a lot of room here, for a guy like me to really come into my own on the graphics side. Well, we'll see. NS trained me for speed, efficiency and juggling technical issues (frame rates and delicate poly/texture budgets, etc) and this place looks like it will be more relaxed in those areas (new console gene, completely different game format). Unfortunately I can't discuss the context here, for the time being...

OC still pisses me off. Yeah, it's very pretty and I will adjust to the drive. If today's commute is "the usual" then I will be satisfied. There's some folks who can't stand being en route to work more than 15 minutes or so, and I can understand that. I have to keep this apartment though, I need to be where my fun is at. It's all a compromise.

We'll see how my attitude is in a couple of months.. hahaha.

To conclude, I'll say I am super-driven now to start picking my life back up from the limbo it's been in. I want to start pushing forward with my plans for "the next step," because whirling around in an endless semi-circle is suffocating to me. I keep picturing another name on my resume, at some point it is gonna be 2009 and what have I got to show when that comes? Another name. Another studio. I can't do this same schtick forever. It's so tiring to think of.

america's favourite neurotik sun

here i am. i haven't blogged in awhile. by jove i am sick to death of blogging! i am tired of it, like several things i have become slavishly addicted to it and while i's not quite so... destructive as my other addictions, it's certainly putting some wear 'n tear on my soul (and perhaps my lifestyle). well before i lay low for real, i will put down some updates for those curious as to the life and times of my twisted soul.

the last couple of weeks have been some of the most obnoxious of my life - existing in my own head has been a party of evilness. rather than being happy that my days in limbo were numbered, i have felt like i have been sitting at crossroads (or, more appropriately, staring down the barrel of a gun, sonofagun, sonofabitch, getting paid, gettin' rich). stay? go? A B C? I decided to take the job in orange county, southern california. NYC was taking too long to gt back to me while there had been a lingering offer to work locally (well, locally enough) on the table. The circumstances that led to my decision, as usual, were dubious. In the end, as I have all along, I stand by my choice as the proper one. I don't regret it. I won't lie - i am filled with sadness and disappointment. I WANT to reinvent myself for the umpteenth time. I want to pull a trigger and mow myself down in the middle of a crowded Los Angelean street for all to see and as the blood and pieces of brain and skull splatter behind and around me and onto the boulevard, I want to be a fresh naked baby cavorting and tearing up a different town with a different crowd with different places to do, different bars to get wasted at, different personalities to be soiled by. Yeah, I want a change... but I have a change and not at the cost of this future. That's not to say myother future would be bad either, at all. "life's a crapshoot."

Anyway I am not the type who will seriously question "what if... what if.." until the end of my days. I can change my environment but i can't really change my character. After 32 years of being trapped in this shell I know myself somewhat half-decently by now. If I was in a different town I'd find the same type of people, the same type of girl, the same type of jobs. Instead of being sad that I'd stayed with the less mysterious life I've got out here, I'd be sad about all the sacrifices I'd just made to get over there. An eye for an eye. And then I could deal with the consequences.

Okay well I can talk about this up and down, but the reality is.. I am sick to death of the limbo, and happy to be getting into my new situation tomorrow. Yeah my drive will be a pain in the butt. yeah Orange County is drab and colorless. Yeah I might get stuck in another Art Cave with no natural light and bitter people all up in my face. But at least i will be happy doing what I am doing, and excited for where it's directing me.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I want to start living. I want to fix my bike. I want to buy a skateboard. I want to draw, I want to read more. I want to pay off my credit debt and get my car all fixed up ad running smoothly. I want to stop pissing off my girlfriend. I want to go back to the gym. I want to limit the time I spend in front of the PC when it's not quite so essential that i be in front of it. I want to discover some new music, meet some new people. Drink less alcohol and eat less shitty fast food.

...

I want to indulge some different bad habits...

I don't want to write in this blog anymore. (Watch me be back on Wednesday)

the point?

looked at the clock "what the hell, almost 4am already, how...?" then it's hits me "oh yeah, daylight savings..."

stayed in tonight, i spent a day of utter nothingness (once again) and was feeling a little bit of cabin fever, "it's saturday night - i should do SOMETHING!!" But the cool sat nite spot i used to semi-frequent has been turned into a gay club, and the place where the non-gay event got moved is kind of a shitty place (though close - i just get a crappy vibe from it). Well, whatever. besides as noted earlier, i went out friday night and spent a couple bucks i shouldn't've.. though, really, i can't feel too terrible about such things as spending too much time locked down tends to make me kind of nuts and miserable.

i got some zankou and watched a little bit of television (documentary). The older I get,the more i realize that I am quite different from many of my peers, in that i will rarely watch television, rent movies, etc at all. I know i have said this before, but it's to the point where i feel quite alien compared to the rest of the western civilization. the majority of the stuff out there just doesn't captivate me like it used to when i was younger, perhaps the internet has spoiled me (much more interactive). Also I am just not one who likes to watch canned "fake shitty stories, half-realized fanboy fantasy tripe" that seem to make up the bulk of what passes for modern cinema. I'm being harsh, there are definitely plenty of good films, but honestly - it's been YEARS since I was excited about a film. There have been releases here and there which may have caused me to raise an eyebrow, but nothing to the tune of "i HAVE to see this, it will enrich my life" - i just haven't had such a feeling in so long, between any film or television event and i do not miss it one bit. I guess I am a very specific type of nerd, then. On the other side of the world, i DO love learning things.

On top of all i've just written above, i am as fabulous as anyone else at "wasting time," perhaps more so than many - that may have to do with the weirder aspects of my personality.

I have been looking around on "the 3D forums" on the internet a little bit, lately. it's where "i came from," really i have learned so much about my craft back in the day from the discussion groups - but in the past few years my attentions have turned to other things. 3D is still at the forefront of my mind for various reasons, and due to my past as a generalist (as opposed to my current state as "level artist") i always wanna have some kind of a finger on the pulse of what is going on in "the scene" and feel that i know what's up and how to keep current. man, it is humbling to go back - i look in the forums (my favorite has always been http://maxforums.org/) and see what kind of work people are generating, many of whom are just hobbyists, and it blows my mind. makes me feel out of touch. excites me ""ohh i wanna try doing that stuff!" but i know i'd be looking at months of work to go off in a different direction now. which brings me to an important thought-- what the devil do i want? i look at the work i have been doing, and this plan i have had.. i know my capabilities, and i know where my industry is headed, and i KNOW i have to keep evolving in order to keep up. do i want to flesh out my repertoire more? when will i start learning more about human anatomy, character art? when will i put in some hardcore hours doing lighting.. vehicle design.. complicated material work? i know bits and pieces of all sorts of puzzles, and i can make a damned fine city block no questions asked.. but then what? just keep doing what i am doing and call it a day?

i have been musing a lot lately, about "starting a project" - i want to further delve into game design, pretty much. for a guy like me in a game world like this, to say that is something huge because i am soooo NOT a "modern-day gamer" by a longshot. i am still an active-enough retrogamer, and that's my gimmick i guess. But it's not just a trifling fancy for me, this is something i can see as some opportunity for me to evolve beyond just being a shitty staff grunt, as i've been for the past decade of my life. i feel like it's screaming at me, and it's not like i am walking around proclaiming this without anything to back up my plans. i have thoughts all bubbling over in my head, waiting to get the juices flowing, waiting for a language of expression to be developed. it seems like such a no-brainer, not 'cause "i want to make more money"but because this is something new and different and more necessary for me to explore. even if it goes nowhere, i have to at least start trying to flesh some of these ideas out beyond my normal means. it is exciting to me, in these days when i can't know how otherwise to feel excited, generally.

i feel odd. i have been unemployed roughly six months (not yet, but nearly). that's half the longest time i have been out of work - and i have been quite busy for much of the time, but the past several weeks i have been rather non-productive. i attribute it to burn-out, exhaustion, a feeling of "who gives a shit." I can keep making better pieces for my reel, and should, and it would be nice, but.. i will work again, there's no need to rush it. i feel like this time is sort of wasted though, i should be enjoying it then, instead of just puttering about uselessly. wasting my time and my mind, in a way. well, that's a hibernation period, it's not like i've had my head stuck completely in the sand anyway.

it feels good to type this stuff out (there's the therapeutic aspect of blogging), but putting it out there raises some questions for me, and makes me reconsider the direction i have been pushing with my head and my heart lately. it's really an aggravating time - i still don't know what is supposed to happen, what it is that i want to make me happy. in spite of my bitching, it makes me proud of my work (and thankful for my view of the world, even if it's kind of pissy and dark - at least it's unique and it's mine). I still have my ideas to hold onto, and they matter to me!