pARSe

hey, happy planes crashing into buildings day. now that would make quite a cake. wait 34 more years and it will be totally in style for our culture to be truly tacky and tasteless about that particular subject (for real, not out of mere irony, i mean).

it is late and i am looking at a small picture of me drunk, somewhere, yelling at someone and pulling a banner off of a wall, or something. things are weird, the past week has been weird, i always say things are always weird (and they generally kind of are, by default) and that makes me not want to state such things anymore, but it's part of my process to revisit and rerevisit it, so i will continue to do so until my hands and eyes no longer function. Speaking of which, did you know that the venerable Roger Ebert has lost the ability to speak for some time now (stroke i think) and yet he continues to review movies, well at least he can still view and write about them.

yeah i too am getting old. one day the front page of Yahoo! will read "Optimus Prime dead, for real." Honestly, wouldn't it have been somewhat remarkable (though sad) if Peter Cullen passed away in 2005? How come 2005 still sounds very much like the far-off future, though it's getting on 3 and a half years ago already?

There's a lot of kerfludgery flopping through my head right now. Tonight I ducked out of working late to have dinner with my girlfriend and her buddy and her buddy's new husband - they actually got married this morning, which is strange, "whats up - WIFE!" Man it is weird to think about that. My girlfriend and I will mention it every now and again, a real sticking point is that she doesn't want to be May Alpert - she jokes that i should take HER last name. Then my name would be Ron Long. Most people consider such a concept to be emasculating, despite the double-standard, but personally I think it would be sort of amazing if my name really were Ron Long. I look at my driver's license and try to picture that. It would be pretty rad.

So I was being, uh.. intimate, shall we say, in that way a man can be with his computer this evening, and I moved my foot and felt a piece of paper fall off of it. How did a paper fall on my foot, my concentration broke long-enough to wonder, and I looked down. The piece of paper turned out to be a cockroach, and he scuttled away as I observed him.

Man, I hate roaches. I have a thing about the creepy-crawlies. I think bugs look super-cool, design wise, but I still have this primal "ewwwww" response to such things, I know they are all over the place and shitting and peeing and spitting on everything everywhere, and shedding pieces of their little antennae and thoraxes, and I don't care so long as I don't see it (out of sight, out of mind). But yeah I don't like to see them near me, or near my food, or ON me. So when I see a fuckin' cockroach clambering off my goddamned naked foot, my first reaction is "all right now that there is pretty fuckin' gross," and the next reaction, immediately following, is "all right now you are gonna fucking die, you abomination of nature!" Now, roaches move pretty fast in my experience. For such a low form of life, they have a pretty hardy hide, a pretty damn smooooooth command of gliding over damn near any terrain, and a pretty good notion of what is the best escape route from any damn situation. I was expecting this dude to get out clean - but something in my brain was especially-designed to seek out and destroy such vermin, NO MATTER THE COST. He matched me as I moved across the carpet, scurrying in parallel with me, hoping to find a crevice, a hole, anything to get back and out and away - he went for the door, I saw a cardboard box and dropped it on his ass. Expecting him to have whizzed away, i picked it up for a peek and saw him still moving, but definitely fazed - the dude was hurting..

He retreated behind the bookcase, between some old AA batteries which had long since fallen behind there - I lifted the heavy bookcase, my girlfriend's long-ignored LSAT study book in my hand, it's large spine eager to smash some bug pelvis. I brought it down hard, with the full back cover squarely landing on the little bugger. Then I smooshed the book with my foot, a good couple of times - then got a paper towel to grab the messy remains, half-expecting the destroyed creature to somehow leap from my clutches and escape down some unseeable hidden passageway. I flushed the poor dude, cleaned up the book, and got back to my porn - case closed. A busy night indeed.

The internet is a messed up place. It is truly the box of pandora, i hate it, i hate it. it gives, I mean it gives us so much - but it also takes away. i wish it would just leave, like right now. I often see things in there that i wish I could unsee, but can't. i am not talking specifically about the usual primal things one's mind may race too (though those are covered as well, i suppose) but the deeper, more dramatic things that can jostle one's mind. We are too small and simple to deal with the juggernaut this has become. I seriously wanna bring my box to the office and leave it there, so there's no connection when I get home. It makes me feel so trapped.

I found a weird website tonight, not sure how/why. I had a bizarre event in my life with a particular person some years ago, and I found this person's website, and it just made my head go a little sideways with "huh? what?" It's like you have that part of your brain which fills in the gaps "oh this probably happened, or that" and then the stupid internet gives you a fucked-up window into the actual reality, but that window is so limited and out-of-context, so you are just as confused before but differently, and in an unsettling fashion. Anyway, whatever. This always happens.

I am getting off my project at work in 2 days. I have been working on this game for 1.5 years, very very intimately, and now it's over. Well it's not over, but she and I are through, and I am instantly going to start seeing someone new, her name is Eileen. I have seen her around a little, and I don't really know if she is my type - initially, I got in with Ape hoping to find a way to get to Eileen, but Ape sort of grew on me in the way that bad relationships do. She devoured me. God, I hate relationships. Well, now Ape has dumped me but strangely Eileen wants to see how I handle. She's got lots of suitors, and I don't imagine she'll notice me much at first - but we will see. Personally, I have had enough with these women. I just wanna sit on the beach all day and be left alone while they enjoy their stupid drama without me.

I see a cricket cruising by on the floor. He's harder to kill, he hops. I am gonna get my laundry out of the dryer and get ready for bed, adios fools.