welcome back to my mind, friends. 1st of all, let me wish a (couple days late) happy bday to my brother, who celebrated that on Friday. He and I are both at the point where we are not too excited to have "another birthday" pass, as it represents a whole lot of crappy things in general (ain't getting any younger!) but in light of what he has been wrestling with, career-wise and all, the past few years - I am sure glad to see he is on a really good path right now, I am very proud of him and glad that things are going more his way now. He took some BS from everyone in that period as well, but he stuck to his guns and did it how he wanted to, and it is working out at last - and that's great!
Also a happy bday to my buddy aaron, we all went out to the bar last night to get the gang together to celebrate. It was good to see everyone, a few faces there who I seldom see (some not for a real long time!) so that's always cool. It was a good time, though I must admit I wasn't really in the mood to be socializing just then, much less getting shittery faceried (I decided to be the DD that night). A bunch of my friends did throw a bunch of drinks down their throats though, and I am sure more than a few of them (who should know better) drove home anyway. Yeah, this is the part where I start proselytizing, but not without good reason, enough people in our group have had a few shitty consequences from that bullshit, just call a cab alright? Whatever, that is how it goes.
Yeah, so my mood is pretty much down in the crapper right about now. I mean, life's not bad, there's a bunch of good things going on overall, lots of things to look forward to as well, but right now some things in life are really kicking my butt - nothing too terrible or life-threatening, not by any stretch of the imagination - but still enough to get my nerves all completely whacked-out and sore. I just need that stuff to settle down. There's some very simple things I have sought in my life for a long time, things which seem like they should be pretty easy to come by - things which seem like almost everyone else I know always have got pretty damned well-patted down. Not EVERYONE I know, but enough of them, that it makes me feel like "well what the hell is wrong with me, what do I have to do to get this part of my life figured out?" The answer, honestly, is pretty easy - do the best you can, the way you know - try to be open-minded, step-up if need be, just don't be brash, don't be stupid. Keep your head up and try to keep the big picture in focus, and don't worry about the shitty little speedbumps, no matter how obnoxious and jarring they are. Okay, this is the part of the journal where I just give myself a pep-talk, don't mind me. The other end of this is, when you go through some shit - especially some cyclical shit - of course it's gonna rattle you, and eventually mold you. Of course it's gonna set you up to act a certain way, and this makes sense too. So if shit is gonna get you down, don't fight it, just wallow, repair, and move on, and no shame in that. I am only human..
I didn't go into the office this weekend. i could have (and in some ways, should have) but honestly I am super-fatigued from work right now, i really need some distance from it. I feel like my career and i are having a little bit of a lover's spat right now-- anyway I will throw myself back into it as soon as the morning gets here, and to be honest I have a mountain of things to tackle this week. In fact I have a huge question mark of mountainous things looming on the horizon, generally. Just keep plowing on...
So we went to Ikea, the particle-board furniture land of good times, a couple of weeks ago. I bought a new chest of drawers, which has sat unassembled in 2 boxes in my apartment - until yesterday. I bought the same make as my existing one, the one which has slowly and steadily been deteriorating (the result of some shoddy construction on my own part, some years ago). Assembled the new guy yesterday, and pulled the Oldie Olson out of the closet, and the old boy finally just completely fell apart in so doing. It felt like a sad metaphor for some things in my life, I have lots of half-assed ghetto-quality things in my employ, across the board - things which function (mostly) as they should, but are pretty close to completely falling into complete, irreparable collapse. It sounds a little dramatic, as usual I exaggerate, but i can certainly think of a good couple instances which this would completely apply to. the point is, I DID get a fresh new start with this new chest of drawers, a pretty stupid and perfunctory part of life of course, but one that is nice and makes that beginning part of the day slightly less of a pain in the neck to deal with. If only everything else was so easily replaceable.
Also at Ikea, I had my eye on a little side-table to put next to my couch - I have been wanting to do this for awhile now, returning there today I found the usually out-of-stock model that interested me was available in the "defects/floor models" area. A lot of that stuff is usually pretty ugly damaged, this one wasn't bad at all (a little nick on the side) and it was half off the usual $70 pricetag as a result, so why not. I grabbed the sucker and brought it home, slid it appropriately beside my couch. Well - it's alright. Though I am glad to have picked it up (and so cheap, as well!) it definitely does not do much to help the decor of my home. Granted my place is pretty slobby generally (that may be a certain girl's fault) but I do take some pride in having at least a sensible and symmetrical layout to the main centerpiece of my apartment home (please use a gay voice when reading that sentence - thanks). Seriously, it's pretty far down the line of importance, but having less clutter and a decent design of one's home does go a long way in helping to maintain a feeling of calm, of order in one's own head. I am quite a hypocrite when I say these things, I know this is true - refer to the whole paragraph above about all my falling-apart ghetto items and such - but it is nice to make an effort, I think, At least, it does make me feel better.
I don't have the cleanest (or messiest, on the other hand) apartment by a longshot, but someday, whenever I truly have my shit together - and this day WILL COME, one of these years!!!! - I would like to spend some money and actually put a decent little pad together. Just a nice space that is comfortable and looks cool and is all well-organized and neat. I am not too far from it, but I have a lot of levels to pass through before I get close. I definitely am not gonna be able to be concerned with this stuff for some.. years...!!
I guess I bring this all up as it sorta resonates in my brain - I am getting close to 34 years old now. I make a decent salary and have a reasonable residence in one of the most sought-after cities in the world. I have a girlfriend, a job, my car runs, there's health insurance. I don't party THAT much (anymore). I kick my ass to do a good job, at least I think so. So then, when will I quit lingering and get to that next level - or am I just due for some horrible cosmic slap in the face to watch it all unravel in one fell swoop? Or is that due just after I "make it," if even? This is life, right? We are always waiting to get to that level, the plateau where we can relax and look down over all we've traversed, and rest on our laurels, as they say (what a stupid saying, where does that shit even come from anyway...) Am I losing my ability to know when I am "there?" Almost 2am. Perhaps it's a good time to think about wrapping up the night, getting ready for bed.
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