13 past twelve and yes i am at.. the office. On the weekend. for the umpteen billionth time. i have (still) been lighting, all day, with somewhat satisfactory results. The point is RESULTS, at least it is getting done (enough). See my last post about the wonderful world of lighting.
Really I guess I don't have much else to say right now. The lights are rendering and so I have a few minutes to twiddle my thumbs while i wait for the machine to not-crash, hopefully. It has been doing a lot of that, unfortunately - I sat here for a good hour and a half trying to render lights, and then it crashed (burning that time). Then I figured a much quicker solution, sorta by accident.. UPDATE it just finished rendering the lights, and then I hit the "save" button, and as I did that, it crashed (and ate my work). Wonderful.
I feel like 2008 has sort of slipped past me, unnoticed. This is truly a year where I've been kind of wrapped up in work, mostly, and let everything else kind of take a backseat, in many ways. I did get to have a good few standout moments of irregularity, to different degrees - hey life is never actually "boring" - but it's certainly not been the usual hecticness I was kind of keeping tempo with a couple of years ago. There's only so many hours in the day, and I am just one man.
I eat lunch with a few dudes at work pretty much daily. I suppose it would be wayyy cheaper to bring lunch in, but when I do that I tend to get even more withdrawn and disassociative from my fellow man, and all that entails - basically makes me feel kind of extra-crazy, the point is it is good to get out for a little chunk during the day and out of my work-cave and away from the wretched, wretched computer. Anyway we sit and eat nachos or burgers or pizza or burritos or buffalo wings whatever unhealthy thing we can get our hands on, once in awhile down it with a beer or two (or margarita or two, hmmm, could go for a bit of that right doggamn N-O-W) and we sit and whine about work and whine about women and whine about money and all that other crap that guys do, heh heh. Anyway, it's the good part of the day. So recently one of the guys was talking about all of the horrendous circumstances he'd found himself in, during his tenure living and schooling in and around Hollywood, a lot of the cliched craziness one would assume would happen on moving out here and being an artsy fellow in their early 20s, in this day and age - stories with a humorous bent to be sure, but also quite dark and sort of depressing, overall. Narrowly avoiding running in with colorful characters of ill-repute, to say the least, and finding ways down some dark, dark paths. I don't like to pepper my journal with too many specifics if it is not actually my story and I am not sure how cool other people would be with degrees of incriminating them - I have had issues with this before! - so I will leave it at that. Use your imagination. Dirty living, alright! Anyway, the kinds of stories that you love to hate, and I am no different. So I am listening to this dude spill his guts, and comparing it with my own past (as I'll do) and it really makes me appreciate the crowd I have surrounded myself with, at the end of the day. I guess we do take one another for granted at times - and hell, no one is perfect - and SURE (damned.. thing crashed AGAINNN).. ahem..SURE we do things to piss each other off now and again, to whatever consequences.. but yeah, I am constantly reminded of the fact that I have got a nice group of people around me, and that I am really lucky for that.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
everything in paradise is wonnnnderful
greetings from the front gate! What's up, I do believe it's been a good month or so, at least, since I have last paid any manner of visit to this little hellhole i call "my gameblog." I guess a lot has happened, or not..
Right up a the first, what have I been playing? Answer, nooooot much. Nothing at all really. Just killing myself at the office as usual, I am lucky if i take 20 minutes out of my day while I am on the can to get in a little GBA action. Replace PER DAY with PER WEEK, per-haps, and then it's a little more accurate.
Anticipating the mega man 9 throwback release, not so much for the game itself (no way it can even be anywhere near as perfect as good ol' number two) but I am pretty interested to see what type of reception it gets from the community at large, this is a weird move to say the least. I will probably grab it as well, though to be honest all the MM's past three were getting kinda grating. Not that they were bad games, they weren't bad at all.. it was just "enough already!"
Our game is going along well enough, as usual there's a billion things I'd love to say as far as positives and negatives go, but that's what post-mortems are for. Meanwhile, I am supposed to be moving to the "dream project" as I like to call it, this coming week - it was supposed to happen (rather suddenly) last week, but got held over for various reasons. So I am a little suspicious of what is next, but I am sure it will outline shortly. Anyway, mixed feelings about all of that - I am used to working on a game until it is out the door, not working feverishly on one and then getting plucked and dropped right into a whole different universe. Hey, I can deal with it, that's my job! It's a little odd though, and kind of a new thing for me. Not a big deal though, but worth noting. I guess my beef is that with my current project, I've got a few loose ends I was planning on wrapping up, and suddenly I find myself having my hands washed of that, mostly - to what degree I am unsure, but I would expect it is pretty absolute (especially since the project I am moving to will likely not leave much headspace for external goings-on). Anyway, suffice it to say that's why I have been pulling madman-style hours at the office lately, to the displeasure of those involved in my social life...
Right up a the first, what have I been playing? Answer, nooooot much. Nothing at all really. Just killing myself at the office as usual, I am lucky if i take 20 minutes out of my day while I am on the can to get in a little GBA action. Replace PER DAY with PER WEEK, per-haps, and then it's a little more accurate.
Anticipating the mega man 9 throwback release, not so much for the game itself (no way it can even be anywhere near as perfect as good ol' number two) but I am pretty interested to see what type of reception it gets from the community at large, this is a weird move to say the least. I will probably grab it as well, though to be honest all the MM's past three were getting kinda grating. Not that they were bad games, they weren't bad at all.. it was just "enough already!"
Our game is going along well enough, as usual there's a billion things I'd love to say as far as positives and negatives go, but that's what post-mortems are for. Meanwhile, I am supposed to be moving to the "dream project" as I like to call it, this coming week - it was supposed to happen (rather suddenly) last week, but got held over for various reasons. So I am a little suspicious of what is next, but I am sure it will outline shortly. Anyway, mixed feelings about all of that - I am used to working on a game until it is out the door, not working feverishly on one and then getting plucked and dropped right into a whole different universe. Hey, I can deal with it, that's my job! It's a little odd though, and kind of a new thing for me. Not a big deal though, but worth noting. I guess my beef is that with my current project, I've got a few loose ends I was planning on wrapping up, and suddenly I find myself having my hands washed of that, mostly - to what degree I am unsure, but I would expect it is pretty absolute (especially since the project I am moving to will likely not leave much headspace for external goings-on). Anyway, suffice it to say that's why I have been pulling madman-style hours at the office lately, to the displeasure of those involved in my social life...
Friday, September 19, 2008
autolabs, cacciatore
jeez lots of blog writin' from me lately. that's cause it's a lot of extra late-late-nights in the office for me these days. honestly i can't really remember the last time i was used to gettin' out of here before midnight. i consider getting home before 2am relatively a good thing. so, yeah. anyway, i am lighting now. i spend all this time building stuff, and painting the textures, and testing how it looks while playing thru - the last step of the creation process (before further testing and eventual breaking everything) is applying the nice, nice lighting which makes it all look really sweet or really bland. lighting is a pain, because you set up a bunch of lights as if they were in the real world - set their colors, the brightness, the falloff, directions, etc, all to a --very-- rough approximation of what it would look like onsceen. hey, it is something. a lot of calculation must be done in one's head, a lot of fakey stuff must be setup. there's not a real good "true lighting simulator' out there yet, just tons of tools to help you approach half-decent fakitude. when you do it right, things looks real smooth, real nice. when you don't set it up properly, all your hard work ends up looking sort of flat and chumpy and just not as awesome as it SHOULD (esp. compared to the other stuff!) So it's kind of a big tease really, especially when you are strapped for time. The upswing is that once you get the hang of it, and learn a bunch of shortcuts and things (like anything), you can put out some really nicely-lt looking things with some relative ease. Anyway, this is all very fascinating, I am sure. Hey. It's my freakin' blog alright! You don't like to hear about light attenuation? You don't wanna hear about my turkey sandwich from subway? You don't wanna know about the the fact that I have to dump some stuff in a dumpster illegally and hope not to get caught? Don't read! Yeah! YEAH!!!
Anyway, it's about quarter to two. I have a good 45 min of driving ahead of me yet. I am gonna let this light pass finish rendering, and so long as it's not all ugly when it comes out, I am gonna pack it in and go home.
Anyway, it's about quarter to two. I have a good 45 min of driving ahead of me yet. I am gonna let this light pass finish rendering, and so long as it's not all ugly when it comes out, I am gonna pack it in and go home.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
more pudding for the put-ting
it is getting harder and harder to remember to write the proper month in the tagline up there. it's always my inclination to write MAY or or something. Time has officially stopped passing. It's all just one big endlessly endless month now, sand it just keeps going on. Forrrrrrevvvvvvvvar.
I had a dream that I was in a rough neighborhood last night, and the apartment building i was visiting was occupied solely by black jews. That sounds like something Steven Wright would say.. It is late, 11pm, and I am at the office still. I have been getting in (slightly) earlier these days, but I still seldom leave before midnight.. hell, before 1am. It's kind of a nightmare time of this project right now, a lot of stuff is coming together and as a result lots of arted things are having to be last-minute-fitted together differently. It's a bit of an irritating way to work, on the plus side I do think I have lots of good work in here to show in my portfolio. Still, I am a tired guy, and I have a neglected girlfriend.. and neglected friends. Hi May! Hi Skillz! Edwin! Mong! Jeff!! All you guys... remember me?? Tyler? Tyler Uppercut?
MVG?
Anyway, I suppose I will (at some point) drift back to some more semblance of a normalcy of life and society. I like to say that occasionally because it tricks me into thinking it might be true. The fact of the matter is, I am dyed-in-the-wool workaholic and at this point i need stupid shit to wrap my life and mind around, or I just don't feel right..
Maybe I could just spend more time writing..
I intended to get a regimen of exercise going and lose some weight before my folks came to visit, which is less than a month from now - well guess what, no exercise (and that's WITH having bought Wii Fit!) At least my weight and physique have stayed -relatively- stable. That's not too wonderful, but I guess it's better to maintain some general equilibrium than keep accelerating down that particular bad decline. Still, that is steadily what happens if I keep treating myself so crappily. I don't wanna really think about the mind/body/soul of 43-yr-old Ron very much, at this rate.. it's not a pretty picture.
As I might have mentioned, I am supposed to move onto "the other project" next week, which was supposed to actually have happened this week (and so, I don't know if it's for-sure happening or what). The whole notion is bittersweet, for a few very valid reasons. Anyway change is always a good bit of a headache, so whatever happens, I look forward to getting on with it and moving on with the next stage, whatever that may bring. I fear it usually since it's never "an easy transition" in any of these cases. When I get involved with any kind of project, it completely occupies so many of my waking hours, in many ways - like I said, I cannot exist without having "some stupid shit" to wrap my mind around, but it's usually got some pretty good highs and lows in there.
I went out drinking late last week, I might have mentioned.. I got really drunk, unintentionally but really after all this time I SHOULD GODDAMNED KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT...! I concede, I am an alcoholic, not full-bore but definitely some marked degree. I have been way way better about going out with any frequency/doing dumb shit in general in the past.. well, couple years, really, compared to what I'll call my hayday - but the past few occasions, I have made up for it with some pretty crummy judgement and expensive bartabs. Nothing truly ass-kicking, but enough that should serve as a good warning about "self, get your act together if you don't wanna have some pain-in-the-ass to deal with," which I have a good couple of already lining up to shake muh hands anyway. I don't truly regret such experiences, it's important to get humbled and reminded of ones' limits, fallacy, etc once in awhile, keeps you in check. Even so, good not.. to.. push it.
Anyway the show was fun. I wish I were heading out right now, it's goddamned Wednesday night! I miss the salad days, Man!!!
I had a dream that I was in a rough neighborhood last night, and the apartment building i was visiting was occupied solely by black jews. That sounds like something Steven Wright would say.. It is late, 11pm, and I am at the office still. I have been getting in (slightly) earlier these days, but I still seldom leave before midnight.. hell, before 1am. It's kind of a nightmare time of this project right now, a lot of stuff is coming together and as a result lots of arted things are having to be last-minute-fitted together differently. It's a bit of an irritating way to work, on the plus side I do think I have lots of good work in here to show in my portfolio. Still, I am a tired guy, and I have a neglected girlfriend.. and neglected friends. Hi May! Hi Skillz! Edwin! Mong! Jeff!! All you guys... remember me?? Tyler? Tyler Uppercut?
MVG?
Anyway, I suppose I will (at some point) drift back to some more semblance of a normalcy of life and society. I like to say that occasionally because it tricks me into thinking it might be true. The fact of the matter is, I am dyed-in-the-wool workaholic and at this point i need stupid shit to wrap my life and mind around, or I just don't feel right..
Maybe I could just spend more time writing..
I intended to get a regimen of exercise going and lose some weight before my folks came to visit, which is less than a month from now - well guess what, no exercise (and that's WITH having bought Wii Fit!) At least my weight and physique have stayed -relatively- stable. That's not too wonderful, but I guess it's better to maintain some general equilibrium than keep accelerating down that particular bad decline. Still, that is steadily what happens if I keep treating myself so crappily. I don't wanna really think about the mind/body/soul of 43-yr-old Ron very much, at this rate.. it's not a pretty picture.
As I might have mentioned, I am supposed to move onto "the other project" next week, which was supposed to actually have happened this week (and so, I don't know if it's for-sure happening or what). The whole notion is bittersweet, for a few very valid reasons. Anyway change is always a good bit of a headache, so whatever happens, I look forward to getting on with it and moving on with the next stage, whatever that may bring. I fear it usually since it's never "an easy transition" in any of these cases. When I get involved with any kind of project, it completely occupies so many of my waking hours, in many ways - like I said, I cannot exist without having "some stupid shit" to wrap my mind around, but it's usually got some pretty good highs and lows in there.
I went out drinking late last week, I might have mentioned.. I got really drunk, unintentionally but really after all this time I SHOULD GODDAMNED KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT...! I concede, I am an alcoholic, not full-bore but definitely some marked degree. I have been way way better about going out with any frequency/doing dumb shit in general in the past.. well, couple years, really, compared to what I'll call my hayday - but the past few occasions, I have made up for it with some pretty crummy judgement and expensive bartabs. Nothing truly ass-kicking, but enough that should serve as a good warning about "self, get your act together if you don't wanna have some pain-in-the-ass to deal with," which I have a good couple of already lining up to shake muh hands anyway. I don't truly regret such experiences, it's important to get humbled and reminded of ones' limits, fallacy, etc once in awhile, keeps you in check. Even so, good not.. to.. push it.
Anyway the show was fun. I wish I were heading out right now, it's goddamned Wednesday night! I miss the salad days, Man!!!
Monday, September 15, 2008
DEMO CRACK
welcome back to my mind, friends. 1st of all, let me wish a (couple days late) happy bday to my brother, who celebrated that on Friday. He and I are both at the point where we are not too excited to have "another birthday" pass, as it represents a whole lot of crappy things in general (ain't getting any younger!) but in light of what he has been wrestling with, career-wise and all, the past few years - I am sure glad to see he is on a really good path right now, I am very proud of him and glad that things are going more his way now. He took some BS from everyone in that period as well, but he stuck to his guns and did it how he wanted to, and it is working out at last - and that's great!
Also a happy bday to my buddy aaron, we all went out to the bar last night to get the gang together to celebrate. It was good to see everyone, a few faces there who I seldom see (some not for a real long time!) so that's always cool. It was a good time, though I must admit I wasn't really in the mood to be socializing just then, much less getting shittery faceried (I decided to be the DD that night). A bunch of my friends did throw a bunch of drinks down their throats though, and I am sure more than a few of them (who should know better) drove home anyway. Yeah, this is the part where I start proselytizing, but not without good reason, enough people in our group have had a few shitty consequences from that bullshit, just call a cab alright? Whatever, that is how it goes.
Yeah, so my mood is pretty much down in the crapper right about now. I mean, life's not bad, there's a bunch of good things going on overall, lots of things to look forward to as well, but right now some things in life are really kicking my butt - nothing too terrible or life-threatening, not by any stretch of the imagination - but still enough to get my nerves all completely whacked-out and sore. I just need that stuff to settle down. There's some very simple things I have sought in my life for a long time, things which seem like they should be pretty easy to come by - things which seem like almost everyone else I know always have got pretty damned well-patted down. Not EVERYONE I know, but enough of them, that it makes me feel like "well what the hell is wrong with me, what do I have to do to get this part of my life figured out?" The answer, honestly, is pretty easy - do the best you can, the way you know - try to be open-minded, step-up if need be, just don't be brash, don't be stupid. Keep your head up and try to keep the big picture in focus, and don't worry about the shitty little speedbumps, no matter how obnoxious and jarring they are. Okay, this is the part of the journal where I just give myself a pep-talk, don't mind me. The other end of this is, when you go through some shit - especially some cyclical shit - of course it's gonna rattle you, and eventually mold you. Of course it's gonna set you up to act a certain way, and this makes sense too. So if shit is gonna get you down, don't fight it, just wallow, repair, and move on, and no shame in that. I am only human..
I didn't go into the office this weekend. i could have (and in some ways, should have) but honestly I am super-fatigued from work right now, i really need some distance from it. I feel like my career and i are having a little bit of a lover's spat right now-- anyway I will throw myself back into it as soon as the morning gets here, and to be honest I have a mountain of things to tackle this week. In fact I have a huge question mark of mountainous things looming on the horizon, generally. Just keep plowing on...
So we went to Ikea, the particle-board furniture land of good times, a couple of weeks ago. I bought a new chest of drawers, which has sat unassembled in 2 boxes in my apartment - until yesterday. I bought the same make as my existing one, the one which has slowly and steadily been deteriorating (the result of some shoddy construction on my own part, some years ago). Assembled the new guy yesterday, and pulled the Oldie Olson out of the closet, and the old boy finally just completely fell apart in so doing. It felt like a sad metaphor for some things in my life, I have lots of half-assed ghetto-quality things in my employ, across the board - things which function (mostly) as they should, but are pretty close to completely falling into complete, irreparable collapse. It sounds a little dramatic, as usual I exaggerate, but i can certainly think of a good couple instances which this would completely apply to. the point is, I DID get a fresh new start with this new chest of drawers, a pretty stupid and perfunctory part of life of course, but one that is nice and makes that beginning part of the day slightly less of a pain in the neck to deal with. If only everything else was so easily replaceable.
Also at Ikea, I had my eye on a little side-table to put next to my couch - I have been wanting to do this for awhile now, returning there today I found the usually out-of-stock model that interested me was available in the "defects/floor models" area. A lot of that stuff is usually pretty ugly damaged, this one wasn't bad at all (a little nick on the side) and it was half off the usual $70 pricetag as a result, so why not. I grabbed the sucker and brought it home, slid it appropriately beside my couch. Well - it's alright. Though I am glad to have picked it up (and so cheap, as well!) it definitely does not do much to help the decor of my home. Granted my place is pretty slobby generally (that may be a certain girl's fault) but I do take some pride in having at least a sensible and symmetrical layout to the main centerpiece of my apartment home (please use a gay voice when reading that sentence - thanks). Seriously, it's pretty far down the line of importance, but having less clutter and a decent design of one's home does go a long way in helping to maintain a feeling of calm, of order in one's own head. I am quite a hypocrite when I say these things, I know this is true - refer to the whole paragraph above about all my falling-apart ghetto items and such - but it is nice to make an effort, I think, At least, it does make me feel better.
I don't have the cleanest (or messiest, on the other hand) apartment by a longshot, but someday, whenever I truly have my shit together - and this day WILL COME, one of these years!!!! - I would like to spend some money and actually put a decent little pad together. Just a nice space that is comfortable and looks cool and is all well-organized and neat. I am not too far from it, but I have a lot of levels to pass through before I get close. I definitely am not gonna be able to be concerned with this stuff for some.. years...!!
I guess I bring this all up as it sorta resonates in my brain - I am getting close to 34 years old now. I make a decent salary and have a reasonable residence in one of the most sought-after cities in the world. I have a girlfriend, a job, my car runs, there's health insurance. I don't party THAT much (anymore). I kick my ass to do a good job, at least I think so. So then, when will I quit lingering and get to that next level - or am I just due for some horrible cosmic slap in the face to watch it all unravel in one fell swoop? Or is that due just after I "make it," if even? This is life, right? We are always waiting to get to that level, the plateau where we can relax and look down over all we've traversed, and rest on our laurels, as they say (what a stupid saying, where does that shit even come from anyway...) Am I losing my ability to know when I am "there?" Almost 2am. Perhaps it's a good time to think about wrapping up the night, getting ready for bed.
Also a happy bday to my buddy aaron, we all went out to the bar last night to get the gang together to celebrate. It was good to see everyone, a few faces there who I seldom see (some not for a real long time!) so that's always cool. It was a good time, though I must admit I wasn't really in the mood to be socializing just then, much less getting shittery faceried (I decided to be the DD that night). A bunch of my friends did throw a bunch of drinks down their throats though, and I am sure more than a few of them (who should know better) drove home anyway. Yeah, this is the part where I start proselytizing, but not without good reason, enough people in our group have had a few shitty consequences from that bullshit, just call a cab alright? Whatever, that is how it goes.
Yeah, so my mood is pretty much down in the crapper right about now. I mean, life's not bad, there's a bunch of good things going on overall, lots of things to look forward to as well, but right now some things in life are really kicking my butt - nothing too terrible or life-threatening, not by any stretch of the imagination - but still enough to get my nerves all completely whacked-out and sore. I just need that stuff to settle down. There's some very simple things I have sought in my life for a long time, things which seem like they should be pretty easy to come by - things which seem like almost everyone else I know always have got pretty damned well-patted down. Not EVERYONE I know, but enough of them, that it makes me feel like "well what the hell is wrong with me, what do I have to do to get this part of my life figured out?" The answer, honestly, is pretty easy - do the best you can, the way you know - try to be open-minded, step-up if need be, just don't be brash, don't be stupid. Keep your head up and try to keep the big picture in focus, and don't worry about the shitty little speedbumps, no matter how obnoxious and jarring they are. Okay, this is the part of the journal where I just give myself a pep-talk, don't mind me. The other end of this is, when you go through some shit - especially some cyclical shit - of course it's gonna rattle you, and eventually mold you. Of course it's gonna set you up to act a certain way, and this makes sense too. So if shit is gonna get you down, don't fight it, just wallow, repair, and move on, and no shame in that. I am only human..
I didn't go into the office this weekend. i could have (and in some ways, should have) but honestly I am super-fatigued from work right now, i really need some distance from it. I feel like my career and i are having a little bit of a lover's spat right now-- anyway I will throw myself back into it as soon as the morning gets here, and to be honest I have a mountain of things to tackle this week. In fact I have a huge question mark of mountainous things looming on the horizon, generally. Just keep plowing on...
So we went to Ikea, the particle-board furniture land of good times, a couple of weeks ago. I bought a new chest of drawers, which has sat unassembled in 2 boxes in my apartment - until yesterday. I bought the same make as my existing one, the one which has slowly and steadily been deteriorating (the result of some shoddy construction on my own part, some years ago). Assembled the new guy yesterday, and pulled the Oldie Olson out of the closet, and the old boy finally just completely fell apart in so doing. It felt like a sad metaphor for some things in my life, I have lots of half-assed ghetto-quality things in my employ, across the board - things which function (mostly) as they should, but are pretty close to completely falling into complete, irreparable collapse. It sounds a little dramatic, as usual I exaggerate, but i can certainly think of a good couple instances which this would completely apply to. the point is, I DID get a fresh new start with this new chest of drawers, a pretty stupid and perfunctory part of life of course, but one that is nice and makes that beginning part of the day slightly less of a pain in the neck to deal with. If only everything else was so easily replaceable.
Also at Ikea, I had my eye on a little side-table to put next to my couch - I have been wanting to do this for awhile now, returning there today I found the usually out-of-stock model that interested me was available in the "defects/floor models" area. A lot of that stuff is usually pretty ugly damaged, this one wasn't bad at all (a little nick on the side) and it was half off the usual $70 pricetag as a result, so why not. I grabbed the sucker and brought it home, slid it appropriately beside my couch. Well - it's alright. Though I am glad to have picked it up (and so cheap, as well!) it definitely does not do much to help the decor of my home. Granted my place is pretty slobby generally (that may be a certain girl's fault) but I do take some pride in having at least a sensible and symmetrical layout to the main centerpiece of my apartment home (please use a gay voice when reading that sentence - thanks). Seriously, it's pretty far down the line of importance, but having less clutter and a decent design of one's home does go a long way in helping to maintain a feeling of calm, of order in one's own head. I am quite a hypocrite when I say these things, I know this is true - refer to the whole paragraph above about all my falling-apart ghetto items and such - but it is nice to make an effort, I think, At least, it does make me feel better.
I don't have the cleanest (or messiest, on the other hand) apartment by a longshot, but someday, whenever I truly have my shit together - and this day WILL COME, one of these years!!!! - I would like to spend some money and actually put a decent little pad together. Just a nice space that is comfortable and looks cool and is all well-organized and neat. I am not too far from it, but I have a lot of levels to pass through before I get close. I definitely am not gonna be able to be concerned with this stuff for some.. years...!!
I guess I bring this all up as it sorta resonates in my brain - I am getting close to 34 years old now. I make a decent salary and have a reasonable residence in one of the most sought-after cities in the world. I have a girlfriend, a job, my car runs, there's health insurance. I don't party THAT much (anymore). I kick my ass to do a good job, at least I think so. So then, when will I quit lingering and get to that next level - or am I just due for some horrible cosmic slap in the face to watch it all unravel in one fell swoop? Or is that due just after I "make it," if even? This is life, right? We are always waiting to get to that level, the plateau where we can relax and look down over all we've traversed, and rest on our laurels, as they say (what a stupid saying, where does that shit even come from anyway...) Am I losing my ability to know when I am "there?" Almost 2am. Perhaps it's a good time to think about wrapping up the night, getting ready for bed.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
pARSe
hey, happy planes crashing into buildings day. now that would make quite a cake. wait 34 more years and it will be totally in style for our culture to be truly tacky and tasteless about that particular subject (for real, not out of mere irony, i mean).
it is late and i am looking at a small picture of me drunk, somewhere, yelling at someone and pulling a banner off of a wall, or something. things are weird, the past week has been weird, i always say things are always weird (and they generally kind of are, by default) and that makes me not want to state such things anymore, but it's part of my process to revisit and rerevisit it, so i will continue to do so until my hands and eyes no longer function. Speaking of which, did you know that the venerable Roger Ebert has lost the ability to speak for some time now (stroke i think) and yet he continues to review movies, well at least he can still view and write about them.
yeah i too am getting old. one day the front page of Yahoo! will read "Optimus Prime dead, for real." Honestly, wouldn't it have been somewhat remarkable (though sad) if Peter Cullen passed away in 2005? How come 2005 still sounds very much like the far-off future, though it's getting on 3 and a half years ago already?
There's a lot of kerfludgery flopping through my head right now. Tonight I ducked out of working late to have dinner with my girlfriend and her buddy and her buddy's new husband - they actually got married this morning, which is strange, "whats up - WIFE!" Man it is weird to think about that. My girlfriend and I will mention it every now and again, a real sticking point is that she doesn't want to be May Alpert - she jokes that i should take HER last name. Then my name would be Ron Long. Most people consider such a concept to be emasculating, despite the double-standard, but personally I think it would be sort of amazing if my name really were Ron Long. I look at my driver's license and try to picture that. It would be pretty rad.
So I was being, uh.. intimate, shall we say, in that way a man can be with his computer this evening, and I moved my foot and felt a piece of paper fall off of it. How did a paper fall on my foot, my concentration broke long-enough to wonder, and I looked down. The piece of paper turned out to be a cockroach, and he scuttled away as I observed him.
Man, I hate roaches. I have a thing about the creepy-crawlies. I think bugs look super-cool, design wise, but I still have this primal "ewwwww" response to such things, I know they are all over the place and shitting and peeing and spitting on everything everywhere, and shedding pieces of their little antennae and thoraxes, and I don't care so long as I don't see it (out of sight, out of mind). But yeah I don't like to see them near me, or near my food, or ON me. So when I see a fuckin' cockroach clambering off my goddamned naked foot, my first reaction is "all right now that there is pretty fuckin' gross," and the next reaction, immediately following, is "all right now you are gonna fucking die, you abomination of nature!" Now, roaches move pretty fast in my experience. For such a low form of life, they have a pretty hardy hide, a pretty damn smooooooth command of gliding over damn near any terrain, and a pretty good notion of what is the best escape route from any damn situation. I was expecting this dude to get out clean - but something in my brain was especially-designed to seek out and destroy such vermin, NO MATTER THE COST. He matched me as I moved across the carpet, scurrying in parallel with me, hoping to find a crevice, a hole, anything to get back and out and away - he went for the door, I saw a cardboard box and dropped it on his ass. Expecting him to have whizzed away, i picked it up for a peek and saw him still moving, but definitely fazed - the dude was hurting..
He retreated behind the bookcase, between some old AA batteries which had long since fallen behind there - I lifted the heavy bookcase, my girlfriend's long-ignored LSAT study book in my hand, it's large spine eager to smash some bug pelvis. I brought it down hard, with the full back cover squarely landing on the little bugger. Then I smooshed the book with my foot, a good couple of times - then got a paper towel to grab the messy remains, half-expecting the destroyed creature to somehow leap from my clutches and escape down some unseeable hidden passageway. I flushed the poor dude, cleaned up the book, and got back to my porn - case closed. A busy night indeed.
The internet is a messed up place. It is truly the box of pandora, i hate it, i hate it. it gives, I mean it gives us so much - but it also takes away. i wish it would just leave, like right now. I often see things in there that i wish I could unsee, but can't. i am not talking specifically about the usual primal things one's mind may race too (though those are covered as well, i suppose) but the deeper, more dramatic things that can jostle one's mind. We are too small and simple to deal with the juggernaut this has become. I seriously wanna bring my box to the office and leave it there, so there's no connection when I get home. It makes me feel so trapped.
I found a weird website tonight, not sure how/why. I had a bizarre event in my life with a particular person some years ago, and I found this person's website, and it just made my head go a little sideways with "huh? what?" It's like you have that part of your brain which fills in the gaps "oh this probably happened, or that" and then the stupid internet gives you a fucked-up window into the actual reality, but that window is so limited and out-of-context, so you are just as confused before but differently, and in an unsettling fashion. Anyway, whatever. This always happens.
I am getting off my project at work in 2 days. I have been working on this game for 1.5 years, very very intimately, and now it's over. Well it's not over, but she and I are through, and I am instantly going to start seeing someone new, her name is Eileen. I have seen her around a little, and I don't really know if she is my type - initially, I got in with Ape hoping to find a way to get to Eileen, but Ape sort of grew on me in the way that bad relationships do. She devoured me. God, I hate relationships. Well, now Ape has dumped me but strangely Eileen wants to see how I handle. She's got lots of suitors, and I don't imagine she'll notice me much at first - but we will see. Personally, I have had enough with these women. I just wanna sit on the beach all day and be left alone while they enjoy their stupid drama without me.
I see a cricket cruising by on the floor. He's harder to kill, he hops. I am gonna get my laundry out of the dryer and get ready for bed, adios fools.
it is late and i am looking at a small picture of me drunk, somewhere, yelling at someone and pulling a banner off of a wall, or something. things are weird, the past week has been weird, i always say things are always weird (and they generally kind of are, by default) and that makes me not want to state such things anymore, but it's part of my process to revisit and rerevisit it, so i will continue to do so until my hands and eyes no longer function. Speaking of which, did you know that the venerable Roger Ebert has lost the ability to speak for some time now (stroke i think) and yet he continues to review movies, well at least he can still view and write about them.
yeah i too am getting old. one day the front page of Yahoo! will read "Optimus Prime dead, for real." Honestly, wouldn't it have been somewhat remarkable (though sad) if Peter Cullen passed away in 2005? How come 2005 still sounds very much like the far-off future, though it's getting on 3 and a half years ago already?
There's a lot of kerfludgery flopping through my head right now. Tonight I ducked out of working late to have dinner with my girlfriend and her buddy and her buddy's new husband - they actually got married this morning, which is strange, "whats up - WIFE!" Man it is weird to think about that. My girlfriend and I will mention it every now and again, a real sticking point is that she doesn't want to be May Alpert - she jokes that i should take HER last name. Then my name would be Ron Long. Most people consider such a concept to be emasculating, despite the double-standard, but personally I think it would be sort of amazing if my name really were Ron Long. I look at my driver's license and try to picture that. It would be pretty rad.
So I was being, uh.. intimate, shall we say, in that way a man can be with his computer this evening, and I moved my foot and felt a piece of paper fall off of it. How did a paper fall on my foot, my concentration broke long-enough to wonder, and I looked down. The piece of paper turned out to be a cockroach, and he scuttled away as I observed him.
Man, I hate roaches. I have a thing about the creepy-crawlies. I think bugs look super-cool, design wise, but I still have this primal "ewwwww" response to such things, I know they are all over the place and shitting and peeing and spitting on everything everywhere, and shedding pieces of their little antennae and thoraxes, and I don't care so long as I don't see it (out of sight, out of mind). But yeah I don't like to see them near me, or near my food, or ON me. So when I see a fuckin' cockroach clambering off my goddamned naked foot, my first reaction is "all right now that there is pretty fuckin' gross," and the next reaction, immediately following, is "all right now you are gonna fucking die, you abomination of nature!" Now, roaches move pretty fast in my experience. For such a low form of life, they have a pretty hardy hide, a pretty damn smooooooth command of gliding over damn near any terrain, and a pretty good notion of what is the best escape route from any damn situation. I was expecting this dude to get out clean - but something in my brain was especially-designed to seek out and destroy such vermin, NO MATTER THE COST. He matched me as I moved across the carpet, scurrying in parallel with me, hoping to find a crevice, a hole, anything to get back and out and away - he went for the door, I saw a cardboard box and dropped it on his ass. Expecting him to have whizzed away, i picked it up for a peek and saw him still moving, but definitely fazed - the dude was hurting..
He retreated behind the bookcase, between some old AA batteries which had long since fallen behind there - I lifted the heavy bookcase, my girlfriend's long-ignored LSAT study book in my hand, it's large spine eager to smash some bug pelvis. I brought it down hard, with the full back cover squarely landing on the little bugger. Then I smooshed the book with my foot, a good couple of times - then got a paper towel to grab the messy remains, half-expecting the destroyed creature to somehow leap from my clutches and escape down some unseeable hidden passageway. I flushed the poor dude, cleaned up the book, and got back to my porn - case closed. A busy night indeed.
The internet is a messed up place. It is truly the box of pandora, i hate it, i hate it. it gives, I mean it gives us so much - but it also takes away. i wish it would just leave, like right now. I often see things in there that i wish I could unsee, but can't. i am not talking specifically about the usual primal things one's mind may race too (though those are covered as well, i suppose) but the deeper, more dramatic things that can jostle one's mind. We are too small and simple to deal with the juggernaut this has become. I seriously wanna bring my box to the office and leave it there, so there's no connection when I get home. It makes me feel so trapped.
I found a weird website tonight, not sure how/why. I had a bizarre event in my life with a particular person some years ago, and I found this person's website, and it just made my head go a little sideways with "huh? what?" It's like you have that part of your brain which fills in the gaps "oh this probably happened, or that" and then the stupid internet gives you a fucked-up window into the actual reality, but that window is so limited and out-of-context, so you are just as confused before but differently, and in an unsettling fashion. Anyway, whatever. This always happens.
I am getting off my project at work in 2 days. I have been working on this game for 1.5 years, very very intimately, and now it's over. Well it's not over, but she and I are through, and I am instantly going to start seeing someone new, her name is Eileen. I have seen her around a little, and I don't really know if she is my type - initially, I got in with Ape hoping to find a way to get to Eileen, but Ape sort of grew on me in the way that bad relationships do. She devoured me. God, I hate relationships. Well, now Ape has dumped me but strangely Eileen wants to see how I handle. She's got lots of suitors, and I don't imagine she'll notice me much at first - but we will see. Personally, I have had enough with these women. I just wanna sit on the beach all day and be left alone while they enjoy their stupid drama without me.
I see a cricket cruising by on the floor. He's harder to kill, he hops. I am gonna get my laundry out of the dryer and get ready for bed, adios fools.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
go die in hell, pigs!!
yum. they just brought some BBQ in for dinner. that was some tasty food right there. sadly when i am eating dinner at work, it means i am in for (ya guessed it) another late night.. i seldom seem to leave this place before midnight, these days. But all i really wanna do anyway is complain about working long hours, alright?
drunk journal entry - well i went out with my buddy last saturday night. I'd not been out in about a month, and i certainly hadn't seen him in a good bit longer than that. We hit a place that was new to me, which he liked - it wasn't bad, just small and uppity. i like the trashier, homier places myself - that's the kind of guy i am. they're friendlier. They have the type of people arond who actually might be interesting to talk to. i guess it goes to say you could find that similar type, easily, at the more classy places, but i guess i kind of have a permanent chip on my shoulder. i have got over it, but it'll always leave kind of a lasting imprint i suppose - so what, it is still fun to go to different places. You just kind of go with your vibe.... Anyway we drank a bit too much and I ended up with one of those bar bills that makes you cough quite sharply when you surprisedly pull it out of your wallet the next day, but as i said - I had not been out partying for quite a long time, so all told I suppose that will even out. Anyway I am not gonna lose sleep over it, besides I have been mega-grinding at the office lately (have I mentioned this?) so I guess I am allowed a little compensation, of sorts...
i am thinking how nice it would be to get out tonight, as well - it being thursday of course - and I am pretty much pushed to my threshold with thinking about business and life and all the usual stuff right now. Escapism is such a sweet, sweet fruit - however, not without it's consequences. Anyway, I might get a fire under my ass to pack it in and screw it and do it, but i very much doubt it. It would make me happy, but... I doubt it.
I don't know how many of my peers actually read this, and of those who I deal with in my day-to-day, but I wanna apologize if i have been excessively assholish lately. I mean, I am never really that much of a pain in the ass, when I am at my worst - I like to think - but I have been told by more than a few people that i can be a good bit of a drag at times. Though I will always say 'who cares what everyone thinks' well now is now different, but if I am kinda being a pill and you have to deal with it on something of a normal basis, then for whatever it is worth, i do apologize. I do mean to try to turn it down, I just need something to help alleviate - take the edge of. God, I would make such a good stoner, right? Oh well, too late.
The state of affairs in the political world have got me good and riled right about now. I am watching it from the sidelines, feeling a distinctive mixture of fascination and disgust. Seriously, I have such shame that people can be so blind and stupid - I guess it all makes sense, we are still pretty early on in our cultural history, coupled with the fact that there's always gonna be a gulf between the smart, rich minority and the expanses of idiots. As usual I will lay it down that "people are not genuinely stupid, they have so much potential" but the system does a wonderful job of keeping EVERYONE down, and it does so for it's own sustenance. That's the model, and for our society to continue to work this way it must be steadfastly adhered to. It's alright though I like to sit here at my desk and pretend I am a smart fella with valid opinions on all these things, at the end of the day I am still kicking my ass (quite heartily) only to make other people, who don't even SEE or KNOW me, slightly more rich while they sit back and shoot golf balls into little holes. If I could break my program, I sure would - I would run away - but the best I can do is try to erode it, while simultaneously becoming more set in my ways "as the cement continues to harden." Don't you just love equilibrium?
So yeah, these upcoming election debates and further process will certainly be interesting to watch. It's exploding with kind of a cartoony amount of drama. i have some stuff to say about it, but for now, i will be gettin' back to work...
drunk journal entry - well i went out with my buddy last saturday night. I'd not been out in about a month, and i certainly hadn't seen him in a good bit longer than that. We hit a place that was new to me, which he liked - it wasn't bad, just small and uppity. i like the trashier, homier places myself - that's the kind of guy i am. they're friendlier. They have the type of people arond who actually might be interesting to talk to. i guess it goes to say you could find that similar type, easily, at the more classy places, but i guess i kind of have a permanent chip on my shoulder. i have got over it, but it'll always leave kind of a lasting imprint i suppose - so what, it is still fun to go to different places. You just kind of go with your vibe.... Anyway we drank a bit too much and I ended up with one of those bar bills that makes you cough quite sharply when you surprisedly pull it out of your wallet the next day, but as i said - I had not been out partying for quite a long time, so all told I suppose that will even out. Anyway I am not gonna lose sleep over it, besides I have been mega-grinding at the office lately (have I mentioned this?) so I guess I am allowed a little compensation, of sorts...
i am thinking how nice it would be to get out tonight, as well - it being thursday of course - and I am pretty much pushed to my threshold with thinking about business and life and all the usual stuff right now. Escapism is such a sweet, sweet fruit - however, not without it's consequences. Anyway, I might get a fire under my ass to pack it in and screw it and do it, but i very much doubt it. It would make me happy, but... I doubt it.
I don't know how many of my peers actually read this, and of those who I deal with in my day-to-day, but I wanna apologize if i have been excessively assholish lately. I mean, I am never really that much of a pain in the ass, when I am at my worst - I like to think - but I have been told by more than a few people that i can be a good bit of a drag at times. Though I will always say 'who cares what everyone thinks' well now is now different, but if I am kinda being a pill and you have to deal with it on something of a normal basis, then for whatever it is worth, i do apologize. I do mean to try to turn it down, I just need something to help alleviate - take the edge of. God, I would make such a good stoner, right? Oh well, too late.
The state of affairs in the political world have got me good and riled right about now. I am watching it from the sidelines, feeling a distinctive mixture of fascination and disgust. Seriously, I have such shame that people can be so blind and stupid - I guess it all makes sense, we are still pretty early on in our cultural history, coupled with the fact that there's always gonna be a gulf between the smart, rich minority and the expanses of idiots. As usual I will lay it down that "people are not genuinely stupid, they have so much potential" but the system does a wonderful job of keeping EVERYONE down, and it does so for it's own sustenance. That's the model, and for our society to continue to work this way it must be steadfastly adhered to. It's alright though I like to sit here at my desk and pretend I am a smart fella with valid opinions on all these things, at the end of the day I am still kicking my ass (quite heartily) only to make other people, who don't even SEE or KNOW me, slightly more rich while they sit back and shoot golf balls into little holes. If I could break my program, I sure would - I would run away - but the best I can do is try to erode it, while simultaneously becoming more set in my ways "as the cement continues to harden." Don't you just love equilibrium?
So yeah, these upcoming election debates and further process will certainly be interesting to watch. It's exploding with kind of a cartoony amount of drama. i have some stuff to say about it, but for now, i will be gettin' back to work...
Monday, September 01, 2008
dave sprouts
and so, another labor day weekend fades away, gore gore gloriously into nonexistence as from whence it crept. And me, being myself, spent it like i have so many other labor days, in the throes of actual labor, toiling away in the mines, for reasons not good enough to list anywhere, but such is what i do, and so it is, and that is then good, and so on, and so forth.
it is crawling up to midnight soon, and i am a little beat - i am still at the office, my editor has jsut crashed again, so i will load it up once more and finagle with my scene just a little longer before saving the business and packing it in to head home for some precious (although brief) hours of shuteye - before hauling ass back to the freeway once again for another day of the battling what i called THIS EVERLOVING LIFE, PRAISE Th" LORD. AND HE SNAPPED HIS FINGERS AND MY COMPUTER CRASHED, AND IT WAS GOOD. AND THE ANGELS SANG AND THE DRUNKS VOMITED ON THEIR GIRLFRIENDS AND HE WAS PLEASED. AND THE DEVILS DANCED AND THE TEXTURE ARTISTS CRIED INTO THEIR TOILETS AND SHRUBS AND THE LORD OUR GOD ALMIGHTY LAUGHED HEARTILY AND BELCHED HORRIFICALLY AND UNDID ALL THAT HE HAD PREVIOUSLY DONE AND MY CAR TURNED INTO A SLINGSHOT AND FLUNG ME UNTO A GIANT FIERCY CHASM (for real) FROM WHICH I'D NEVER RETURN, AND IT WAS.. GREAT. The end.
Meanwhile, religious prepostering aside, I notice the news in the world is all crazy lately. I think the yahooligans who staff yahoo news are on some kind of wonderfully interesting drugs, because in the past few hours I have read about Republican National Convention Riots and men trying to cut their arms off in Denny's'es and a whole bunch of other craziness. And how about the new broiling political scandaliciousness, I can't wait to chew on that for a little while. But then, I wanna wrap up and go home, so - it will have to wait.
it is crawling up to midnight soon, and i am a little beat - i am still at the office, my editor has jsut crashed again, so i will load it up once more and finagle with my scene just a little longer before saving the business and packing it in to head home for some precious (although brief) hours of shuteye - before hauling ass back to the freeway once again for another day of the battling what i called THIS EVERLOVING LIFE, PRAISE Th" LORD. AND HE SNAPPED HIS FINGERS AND MY COMPUTER CRASHED, AND IT WAS GOOD. AND THE ANGELS SANG AND THE DRUNKS VOMITED ON THEIR GIRLFRIENDS AND HE WAS PLEASED. AND THE DEVILS DANCED AND THE TEXTURE ARTISTS CRIED INTO THEIR TOILETS AND SHRUBS AND THE LORD OUR GOD ALMIGHTY LAUGHED HEARTILY AND BELCHED HORRIFICALLY AND UNDID ALL THAT HE HAD PREVIOUSLY DONE AND MY CAR TURNED INTO A SLINGSHOT AND FLUNG ME UNTO A GIANT FIERCY CHASM (for real) FROM WHICH I'D NEVER RETURN, AND IT WAS.. GREAT. The end.
Meanwhile, religious prepostering aside, I notice the news in the world is all crazy lately. I think the yahooligans who staff yahoo news are on some kind of wonderfully interesting drugs, because in the past few hours I have read about Republican National Convention Riots and men trying to cut their arms off in Denny's'es and a whole bunch of other craziness. And how about the new broiling political scandaliciousness, I can't wait to chew on that for a little while. But then, I wanna wrap up and go home, so - it will have to wait.
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