so oooo ooooo 0088

feels like it should say ninth. but it says twelfth. suck it up.

what's up, whoever reads my blog. it's been awhile since i have posted in here.. needless to say i do not like to do it so much anymore. tired of writin' and tired of chroniclin'. but what the hell.

so, things are alright. smoothed out at work a little i guess (yeah and now i have just jinxed myself for saying so, i am sure).... but it's alright. my mood is always gonna be weird about work, by virtue of it being me, being work, and it being a mood. all the bases are covered, or if you prefer, spoken for.

i have been overworked a bit lately and that leads to --ding-- partying a little. yah, but isn't it funny how the two can be incessantly linked together? Now is no different - well it sure doesn't feel like it. but you know, it is thursday night, it is 9pm, i am in my office in orange county.. after i write this blog i will pack it in for the evening and rather than go out and do whatever, i will relax at home and take it easy, then get some shuteye. and the weekend ought to be more of the same. and, well, yes it makes me sad to say that.. the mood i have been in lately, that of.. "i work hard to make other people really really rich, i want to live it up a little also!" has been sort of a factor, but i know it's not gonna really do much to help anything.

so E3 was this week. it's weird, this is the 1st time in 7 years where i've not attended. i have written enough about the event not to really wanna rehash it all right now, but at least i have kinda been keeping tabs on the boards to see what's the fuss been all about. the answer is - not much. the industry is kind of hitting a big stall. oh, so there's a shock. a bunch of somewhat interesting stuff coming down the pipe, but really nothing new, nothing revolutionary, nothing even sort of "holy crap that's different, and fun!" Just more shit. video games have become top-heavy, boring, redundant. I mean alright, last year was a dull showing, but the consoles were all new and everyone was in crush-cram-damage control mode. Is this the opposite of moore's law? The more advanced tech gets, the slower we manage to conquer it? There's probably something to that, if you think about it. This means we are kind of in a middle period then - a bell curve, this is the "golden age," before the deneoumont (spelled very wrong but i don't feel like checking it) and we are no longer in quite so much control of it.. and the chaos part of it starts accelerating.

it's okay, the universe thrives on the acceleration and deceleration of chaos and order. so basically, it's nothing new.. just on another scale. and pardon me while i reel it in before i start sounding completely like just another stoner (though mind you, talking about this stuff is doing no help to my urge to resist going out and living the nightlife) Enjoy it while it lasts, that is all i am saying.. damn consumer culture...

i love yahoo news. it always cracks me up. i could be criticized for even looking at it and considering that any kind of valid news source, but hell.. it's there, it's easy to digest, i don't have the time or energy to let my mind get swept up in all the underbelly of what's REALLY going on. News is pretty much entertainment right? Anyway, front page of yahoo mentions among it's seven bulleted items, and i cutNpaste here, "Trampoline injuries have soared in the last decade, study finds." Now that - THAT is ace journalism my friends. Trampoline accidents are on the up and up, and apparently it is on everyone's lips. Call a microsurgeon - it's time to organize a charity even. Can we get Ben Stiller to speak out on this, PSA style? David Schwimmer? Someone? The Streis?

Yeah, so you know where i am at, then. Basically awash in my own cynicism. I am in a decent mood i guess, in spite of it. And i have not been a complete homebody or office slug too much the past recent little bit and so it's got my charge up a little. But -- honestly -- and i feel like this has been ringing in my head a little bit, lately -- I feel like it's coming to a time when i need to do some huge re-evaluation of my philosophy. I am not the type to say or do such things since "oh, it's been awhile, time to re-configure my thoughts - let's check the schedule!" I mean I observe whenever there's some point in time like my borthday, the new year, or some other meaningful mark of time "where was i last year? 5 years ago?" etc. but this is different. this is when i just look at myself, my character. I really honestly do like myself, warts and all.. but sometimes, lately, I am starting to get pissed, or just maye kind of tired of it. Well, not tired of ME, but tired of the notion of this particular path I am following, these patterns I exhibit. Okay not so much THAT either but rather that once in awhile i will notice that it maybe doesn't completely jive with the world around me, and what my plans are with all of that.. what I want to seriously do with my life, what i have hoped for my future. I always will just rely on my own recognizance to see everything through, and the fact that the world is --essentially-- built for/catering to stupid people. I guess I must swallow my pride for a minute and own up to being one of them (well not STUPID stupid, but I know I ain't no Doctorate either). Though that starts a different argument about ow that's a completely different measure of intellect, and just what IS "stupid" then - and i really don't feel like getting off onto that tangent right now.

But yeah, stupid - and I will cling to my self esteem and say "I should know better" but honestly, if not for whatever degree of naivete/innocence/cluelessness I've got left, I wouldn't have even bothered venturing this far, never mind my ideas for what's to follow (and just what i am doing to get there).

I haven't really got a model for any of this, whether that is good or bad I can't say. I look up to my peers, and of course my parents, but really - we are different enough that it feels like it's a decent blueprint to follow if i wanted to be just like any of THEM, and yet the older i get, the more i feel myself being pulled away from it.

So maybe I am kind of stunted. Maybe I am eternally a bit immature. Maybe my philosophy, such as it is, has already colored my perceptions and expectations of the world enough to get me stuck in my particular character (isn't it true of anyone with a brain?) Maybe I would be happier to force myself to hunker down with a bunch of mountain dew just start force feeding myself large doses of television. Nah, too boring.

there's a reason why i still live in hollywood.