blogstinks

alright let me see if i can make it through one blog entry without cussin all over the place.

so i got possessed by the devil and went out to the bar last night. well i went out saturday and last night (tues night) and both nights were full of debaucherous merriment, of which i remember very little. but it is okay, i haven't been partying at all lately, so i guess it is not the end of the world if i make a smear on the scene here and there once in awhile. that will do for now, though.

i do miss the days of yore though. and i do have to knock off the jagermeister.. it works wonders but it also nukes my brain cells. i can't imagine what happens to alcoholics' brains, just being permanently zapped out of your skull like that all the time. seriously, in these periods where i don't get down very much, it strikes me more dramatically (and makes me grateful that i have the ability to just say no rather than relentlessly throw down, as they say)

or so i have led myself to believe..

work is going alright. it's still kicking me in the ass. it's a LOT of work! I was thinking this job was gonna be cushey, man i was wrong! so much stuff to learn.. this is how it goes my friends, get yourself into a different culture and there's tons of different rules and regulations to follow. and so that's life, adapt or die!

traffic bit this morning, driving a little hungover is bad enough but adding insult to injury is even more betterer. people always ask me how much i hate my drive, it's a haul but i am not turned off by it (could be much worse!) It's nice to have that time to myself and honestly, i do enjoy driving! even after all these years.. it sort of stimulates the same part of my brain that enjoys playing tetris or something. that's not to say that i don't like being a PASSENGER at times as well. hell i would be immensely happier if i was carpooling to work, in some ways. when that has been an option in the past, it has helped things quite a bit!

watched the sopranos tonight - 3 episodes to go (they're downloading now). I am sad it's over but, well, whatever. i enjoyed watching the show, but really, the end of the show - even if it is still good - it's kind of a drag. Especially in a show like this, when the show is officially ending, they start pulling some stunts "since it's ending anyway" that breaks from the normal continuity and sort of ruins the whole "suspension of disbelief" aspect. So, yeah, like i said.. whatever. And then i will have NOTHING to watch anymore (oh boo hoo). I need to get back to reading anyway. but i will say, it is kinda nice to have something to briefly escape into and care about which DOES NOT MATTER AT ALL, IN THE SLIGHTEST. Ha ha.

End of June, yikes! July is... like.. a few days away! That's halfway through 2007! I almost said 2006. 2006 sounds too futurey enough as it is. 2007 might as well be 2014 or 2023. I wonder what i will be doing then, when i am 39 or 48. Argh. HolyCRAP. You know I talked to my Dad the other night on the phone and he mentioned about how he is closing in on 60. SIXTY! My Dad is almost sixty... yeah, and I am sure he is enjoying reading this. Ah well, at least he made it to sixty without either of his kids killing anybody or something like that, I suppose that has to account for something. Or had illegitimate children or whatever. Yeah, you made out, Dad!!

I wonder if my next 30 years will be anywhere near as hectic as the past 30. Sure the world will evolve in new and strange ways, a lot has happened since i started paying more attention to things. I have no doubt that some cataclysmic weirdness of biblical proportions is in store. Well, hopefully nothing too earth-shattering (hoping my audience is relishing my metaphors) Honestly though, it is strange to think that my coming years are just gonna be spent stuck in the current mode.. until i DIE really. As opposed to the first half, growing up and going through adolescence and generally forming my personality and stuff - turning into an actual person - schooling, figuring out just what it is i'd do with my life - well from here on out it is all just about working. Work, work, work. Isn't that pathetic? Work, make money, spend money, save money. Scrape scrape scrape. A trip here, an indulgence there.. but pretty much locked into this stuff for the long haul. Year in ad out of the same thing! Learn new stuff to add to my skillset, meet new similar people, apply all of that, keep making products. And all the while just getting progressively older and fartier and smellier and more overweight. ... BAH!!! Is that it? Is that all? Buy some crap, maybe go through a few cars. Now you know why i like to go out and act crazy and get out of myself and out of my head and stuff once in awhile. i can't bare to think of all these coming years of just being force-fed a stead diet of crappier movies and crappier television programs and stuff.

this is sort of the philosophical argument i had in my life not too many months ago "what kind of life do i want to have? what kind of person do i want to be?" I opted for the more stable, comfortable route rather than the less assured, more random kind of life. i made my bed and here i lie. the thing that's great about it all is, i can really ditch it all at any time and just go wherever and start over and do it all differently. . hope that it will somehow color me differently and cause me to experience life in a more profound way than i'd detailed in that previous paragraph.

but damn it - i am an american. this is my pedigree, this is what i have born into, this is what i have always expected and how my world has outlined life for a guy like me. it's what i am supposed to want, to do - that's just evolution. but then, alongside order there's always been chaos. that's why people flip out sometimes, maybe - that's why our world has so much seemingly random bizarre going-on sometimes i guess (even though it can be extremely dreary at times). That's the part of myself i will always grasp onto, even if i can never completely satisfy it - my urge to just be wild and unbound, whatever you want to call it! maybe it will make me nuts, maybe it already has..

or i will just keep working, jumping from job to job, eventually slipping into the place that fits the closest.. find my weird nights out at the occasional random places to satisfy
my urge for breaking the pattern now and again. yeah, so i guess i need to travel. Someday.

it's interesting to watch some of my friends going through some of this stuff as well. perhaps they don't verbalize it the same way i do, but just the age that we are, and what we do with our lives -- the stuff we have been through, none of it particularly special (but special enough to draw us together) Anyway I guess it makes it a little easier to deal with, if nothing else!