Friday, September 25, 2009

partially awake

Friday night, 7PM - I sit here at my desk, my face is getting red from leaning far and hard on the right side against my knuckles. It's very warm in here (got to be the high 80s) and I am lethargic and sleepy.

Should have got more work done today, but after yesterday's all-day meeting (and what's been leading up to it) I am a little burned out. In fact I am just tired of working on much right now - any by-the-numbers stuff I can pick up, I jump on, so it can be brainless and eat away at the time.

Things are alright, it's been a bit of a strange week - not a bad one, just strange, in a few ways. This Autumn heatwave has been taking a toll, driving lethargy, flattening my mood. My job search is flat as well, yielding nothing (I still send out applications weekly). Thankfully the unemployment is still helping out (that's a BIG thankfully!) but it is not enough to keep me going - I need income pronto. Our game is still coming along, as best as can be expected - we've got over some big hurdles, more to come of course, mostly some design touches and marketing flourish, and a whole ton of fluff - as well some technical wizardry - but overall I am excited with it. The iPhone market pisses me off and so I try not to think too much in those terms. Make a good product and put it out in the world, be as supportive as possible but don't think too much on getting solid compensation, at least for the time being.

Drifting through wikipedia, in some ways one of the best things one could ever hope to stumble across. It's making me feel a little bad, disconnected, I am reading about French Literature. I haven't paid much mind to any kind of literature in I could not tell how long, but there was a not-so-brief period in my life - dipping in and out - when reading (things that weren't just junk) was rather important to me. I would like to steer back towards that, but as with everything else, it seems like it must sit on a shelf until my life changes up.

I say that about a lot of things, making it sound like "there's just no time for certain things that I want to do," when in fact I do have plenty of time, technically, for a lot of things that I would prefer to occupy myself with. I feel like I have become horrible at managing my personal time in many ways, after all of these years - I have let a lot go lax, I am very adept at burning time in stupid ways, I am not sure how to put this. My personality has kind of dried up in some ways and it's easy to just sit back and let time (and my mind) waste, or at least concentrate on irrelevant things. I don't consider myself a lazy person, I feel it is a circumstance of lifestyle and culture among other things. I don't know how to shock myself out of that, or even if that happened if I wouldn't just revert to the usual mode. As I mention it, I don't feel particularly bothered about it though, "that's just how it goes" I guess this is symbolic of the notion that somehow my life needs a serious kickstart. Ah well. I can't feel too bad about it, as I am still quite a workaholic-

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