Sunday, October 04, 2009

stand up

Early Sunday evening. Sigh - a long day with nuthin' going on - well, to sum up, it's been very busy around here since my last entry. Things are alright, I am pretty mentally beat these days. The last week - while not bad - there was definitely a lot of things going on, and in that, it's been quite draining. The big thing in my life now (as has been) is the development of our new iPhone game, and to repeat what I have ben saying - it's been a very bittersweet experience. I am quite happy with it (how far it's come, what it looks like overall) and I cannot wait to put it out into the world - but the more time that passes, the more I worry about how it'll wind up, in some ways. The videogame world is a messy, messy place - I guess it's always been that way. I need to work very hard to get the game looking very special, otherwise it'll land with a thud, no matter how good of a title I claim that it is.

Haha. It feels weird "34 years old and I am going on about a video game" - it's a product, I want to get something out of it. I have spent a lot of time, a lot of energy getting to this point, I want to put something out into the world with my name on it (as opposed to something with some big publisher's name on it). These days that feels so vitally important to me, after all these years of working so hard for those big guys and not having anything to show for it - my resume is nice, but "what have you done for me lately?" is all you ever hear anywhere.

We have had a steady stream of guests around the apartment lately, it's nice to see folks - but also this is my work studio, and it's hard to foster a "batten down the hatches and get things done" mentality when there is so much through-put. I wish I had a little cave to go to, so I could concentrate on the business. I suppose that will happen again when I am gainfully employed again, at some point.

Lots of drama the past week. I feel like there's been no shortage of drama in and around my life in the past year, really. It's interesting, I will admit, but it's also a draining thing. I feel like I never really can have any interest in merely watching television since it's so much less interesting than the ultimate interactive situation of being square-in-the-middle of a whole bunch of crazy business. It is funny to hang out with a bunch of my friends who worship the tube though (funny but, kinda boring after a little while). I guess just the same, they get pretty tired of hearing me rant and rave about the business scene and all my plans and whatever else.

I am pretty invested into the things I have been involved with, I feel like I am always looking at it and picking it all apart and trying to fix it, make it better, tweak the big picture, get the most bang for my buck, evolve the foundation of things. Being involved in the beginning of anything is just such an undertaking, and it's very thrilling, but also I kind of wish I had a little ability to back off from it a bit more (mentally). I guess you don't ever really get that luxury when you are trying really hard to cultivate anything - a business, a kid, a relationship - you dip in and out as necessary but you always need to be on hand with a monkeywrench in order to deal with the maintainence of the base of it all. I guess maybe that's a strong aspect of my personality too, in everything (small or large) I have ever worked on, and I suppose it's foolish to say I don't have a degree of pride in that, then..

I have been seeing some strange things lately, in a lot of the social aspects of my life - as I get older, I am more aware of things between different people and how they deal with one another. It's funny, "things are never how you think they are," maybe I am just very niave, innocent, whatever.. some might say stupid - I prefer to think that I am a little too neurotic for my own good, but a good part of my brain is burned out/numb from too many years of BS that it's just easier to slough things off sometimes and just say "oh the hell with it." This is dangerous, in small and big ways, and there's real ramifications of this philosophy - but I am not sure I just have it in me to put up with certain things anymore, I just kind of let stuff wash over me and a few passes in, then it just feels like - it's easier not to care about that bullshit. Again, I am not proud of this, but I only have so much energy to deal with however many things (career, relationships, friendships, family stuff) that after enough time has passed it's just like "okay. Whatever. I am just gonna stick to the script I have here. If anyone else wants to piss all over it, fine, I don't have enough time to rewrite this thing." Maybe I am setting myself up for some big collapse. What else can I do-

Okay my mood is a little lousy these days, I really need a good strong jolt of good news, I need some positive validation (beyond mere well-wishing) on a somewhat big scale to sort of energize me. I always take pleasure in the little things, maybe I should just keep trying to concentrate on that. Eyes on the prize..

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