Saturday, September 05, 2009

uncle jack says relax

Hello inertnet (not a misspelling). What can I do for you-
it is Friday night, been a very long day, pretty productive though. Actually, been a long week is what it has been. Lots of things going on, lots going through my head. Am I happy? I have my moments. The strange things are usually what makes me happy these days. Who cares, as long as it comes one way or another -

Working very hard on our new iPhone game, it is getting twist and turn-y. It is exciting, this is the most excited I have been about any project in a very long time. In fact I am starting to get a little full of myself with this one, delusions of grandeur-style "this is the most important game I have ever made!" It's a dinky little thing, but I am extremely proud of it and it's potential is starting to reveal itself to me, I feel like I just want to talk and talk about it. Things are still very early in this process so it's hard to get too crazy about it, but it is moving pretty fast and it's changing my mind about some of my plans. I just need to work hard to keep a solid hold on The Big Picture, so many times "the road to hell is paved with good intentions." The real game of it to me is the whole development process, the art and business of all of THAT. It is so much work. Again I respect and appreciate all of my collaborators on this game, without them it would not even be ANYthing. I owe a lot to a few people...!

Other than the game, things are kind of treading water. I have a lot of other things in my head, socially and economically.. romantically and all that stuff, a lot of it is kind of just weird right now. I feel like I am just exhausted by some of those things, a lot of stressful things have been coming up in my personal life and it's just getting to a point where it's taking this toll on me. I think I have been mentioning it in here lately - I need to find a healthy output for that stress, but also I need to figure out the proper way to fix the actual problems. I am a problem-solver by nature, but I think there's a bad (?) part of my personality that also is a problem-MAKER. I don't like to admit this, I consider it unhealthy, I don't want to accept that "I like it when things are messed up and that's all I will ever be," argh that sounds like some shitty grunge rock, but sometimes I look at these fixes I often get myself into (or put up with) and really it makes me wonder sometimes. I try to decide if other folks around me do the same thing. Is that the curse of being a passionate person, you live to stir up shit to keep things interesting - to have something to get worked-up about, some shitty drama to occupy some pertinent space in your life?

I look at my job and it is ALL ABOUT taking these weird situations and putting pieces together in ways that maybe they weren't designed to be, and getting them to work - and fundamentally so much of that is hacked-together, achieved by going the lonnnnng way around (and sometimes to ridiculous lengths to get there) but it works "my way" and I am this self-fulfilling prophecy in that way. It's how I process the world and how things make sense to me, and then I just keep building off of it. I look at this as a metaphor for my career path in general, and even my friendships and relationships and how I deal with all that stuff, and it just kind of confounds me. At 34 I am what I am (apologies to Popeye) and that is life, but sometimes I wanna (don't say it! Don't say it!!!!) hit or at least come close to that jarring rock-bottom point of my life again where I revaluae things and snap the hell out of it. Anyway.

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