curator of the indignant

what's up blogerino's? so does anybody actually read this thing anymore anyway? i used to write in here and see hits pop up on the counter - still do, but it is erratic. besides, i don't think i know what it means (is it actual people? web spiders? etc) No matter. Just curious.

Lots of things on my mind lately. I have had a whole catalog of things to put down in here, but honestly, a lot of it sees to be spilling out of the sides of my head lately - it doesn't matter, as I will always find a way to ramble semi-coherently anyway, I just wish I was better at actually capturing my more thought-provoking points. I suppose it's not terribly relevant at the end of the day.

Things are alright. As usual I'd love to rant about work in here (I'm quite adept at that - isn't everyone?) but for the obvious reasons I will refrain. Suffice it to say work's chugging along as usual, everyone is getting along. Some things are annoying, others are fine. I am happy to keep things going status quo, I suppose. Today I mentioned to my boss how I would love to be put on the other project - after all, it's the reason I joined up with this outfit in the first place - so hopefully I will get to go over to the department in some months. Man! I wish I could start right now! Even so, fair enough, I;ll stare at the carrot awhile longer - I would be pretty excited to get onto that project! (I'd never come home.. haha) As I always say.. "we will see what happens."

Sitting at my desk at home, I ran home around 8PM - ate a salad, watched a somewhat shitty mini-documentary about the party Island of Ibiza (somewhat shitty, but not horrible.. haha). It did succeed in piquing my interest a little more, making me want to go there. It feels a little extraneous to consider that, i mean - i live in the party CITY of Hollywood, and it's already tropical "enough" here during enough months out of the year. Still if I was oozing a little money, an excursion would be nice. I am sure a place like that, and a guy like me - it would add up to a fair degree of exhaustion.

So, I feel old lately. Not terribly old, but it's getting up there. I know I write about this a bit much, but for me it is a big deal - -I sort of live in the lifestyle of someone 10 years my junior, or so, and in many ways that is an ideal setup for someone at that stage of life. But I am NOT there anymore! I will try to hold onto it for as long as I can, but I do feel like things are changing. I mean, physically, I can feel things starting to show signs of slowing down a little. Considering the amount of abuse I'll routinely put myself through, I suppose it's only a matter of time for things to start catching up with me.. and so then, I am earning it, or something. I feel really weird, though, I feel like the personality i have, and a lot of the way my life is setup, they match really well but something important - something I needed to get out of my system, yet something I can not ever really define - something got missed. I graze it still, I get little glimpses/feelings of "what I could have been," perhaps what I still could be. Well, I am still here, and I still indulge in the things that part of my personality seems to require - but it's half-assed. I am two things, two people. Not bipolar or something, it's just my id and my superego constantly giving little jibes to one another. I suppose if I gave completely into one or the other, I'd find myself either completely happy or altogether miserable - I've no idea. So I suppose that is why I keep on as I do. Ah well.

Complaining aside (don't worry, I'll always complain!) I know I feel weird as things move into this next phase and my struggles of the past seem to be less relevant. I am working at this studio nearly a year now, and it's feeling relatively secure (now that I have written it, of course it's gonna bite me in the ass!) Honestly, so many of the things in my life seem so figured out by now. Something I have always wanted for, and yet it feels very anticlimactic in a lot of ways. I fear that about life.. and everything. Danger is exciting? Does that need to be a question?

I was talking to a coworker today briefly, we were speaking about our (limited experience with) traveling. I feel ashamed to be the age I am at, and know that I've not even scratched the surface, at all, of seeing te guts of tis world. I travel a lot in my mind, you could say.. but I am quite the homebody, the workaholic. I relish my base. But now my world seems tiny. I think te last times I felt truly free were when I struck out and randomly threw myself out into the mercy of the Crazy World. I've barely done it - though I suppose I have done much more than so many other folks - but again, as I get older, I realize that my youthful energy for tackling such things is definitely slipping away, with each day's passage. I am molded into a workman's life, and I need ot have my home base - I am a material person, like it or not - but my supressed spirit wants to forget it all and go for broke. Bah -- it is all talk. I've traditionally had to be pulled away kicking and screaming. Not quite that bad, but enough that it's established a pattern.. unless something heavy is going down, then I am gonna be right here, bolted into my chair, letting the internet show me it's fucked-up version of the world.

I look at my life and my attitude and realize something about myself - I'll never blame anyone for this, it's just my own fault. I've talked to people who've had that get-up-and-go mentality before, and I suppose I have attempted it on a relatively minor scale. But it's my programming - I get older, I feel more "trapped," I worry about the consequences. I want to light a fire under my ass and just go and DO it and say damn the consequences, and examine so much more depth that way, but I can't reach that feeling, something is blocking.

I had a friend who said something crazy to me many years ago. He told me about doing acid way back in college, and it completely altered his perspective on everything. He had been sort of reserved ad uptight before that, and the drug sufficiently bent his perception enough that he realized his stubborn, small-minded bullshit was exactly that - it changed him irrevocably. I have never done such a thing, my experiences with drugs have never been any kind of noteworthy in such a manner (alcohol has always ben my drug of choice) and yet - during these times, I think of my friend's story. his relating it to me has stayed with me for years, just as the actual experience has stayed with him (though, to a much lower caliber, of course). I sort of wish I could just "flip a switch" in my head and put aside all the murky grainy weirdness that keeps me from going to that place he got to, the fantasy of it is somewhat reassuring.. like a release. But then reality sets in, and I realize the important fact - I am TOO OLD for that stuff, there was a time in my life when that might have been appropriate but at this point my cement is too dry, my experiences have too-ingrained into my actual personality. I can't really retreat to "a different self," or at least not that easily. I'm.. not sure what it is that I need to et to that next stage. It's not some pill, it's definitely not a bunch of booze (that's more of a sidestep!), it's DEFINITELY not also "keeping working and trying to make money..." Despite the ideals that are constantly preached to me. No, i don't know what it is, and I have no idea really what I need to do to find that next stage, so i will guess that as long as I keep on as I have been, I will tread water for awhile.

It's not really a worry for me, despite my tone. This knowledge keeps me young, after all - the thought that "the next stage," the step into whatever further level of maturity that awaits, has not yet come and doesn't seem to be approaching anytime soon (hmm, chalk that up to living in Hollywood, duh?) I feel like in spite of my neuroses, what doom I may speak, I know myself and my spontanaeity (oh hell, i don't know how to spell it) always sees to do something to inject just enough friction/interest/eccentricity into my life that it keeps me steered steadily on this ultimately satisfying (if frustrating) path I am on.

Late. Almost midnight. I should wrap this up soon.

Last night I had some long important involved dream.. I forget most of it. I think a big deal of it was that I was leaving LA, I think I decided to quit and get out of this place.. or at least, get out of what all was going on in my life. I got rid of everything I owned, except for my car (which was kind of a very small winnebago - sort of). I would plant the thing in the middle of a National Park Reserve, or something, and just live out alone on the land, hoping the rangers would leave me alone if it was off-season. My Dad came to visit me, in his business suit - also my friend Adam from Boston (he's never been to LA, interestingly). An odd pair, but the three of us were eating at a diner and the two of them bonded over talking about football. They were watching some Russian Catholic Football League (yeah, I know). It was a weird feeling to wake up this morning, out in the middle of that field with no more of my material possessions, just my car that I could hop in and drive anywhere, it made me feel free.