what if i spat on the horizontal?

yup. another night. another night with my bum planted firmly in the seat.
i think i freaked out a little bit lately. not "oh oh OHHH MY GOD" freaked out, but more of the usual "ahh, damn, whining, grumpy old man-type observations" freaked out.

i AM getting grumpier. that's no surprise - my friends make fun of me now "what's wrong ron why do you have to hate everything!" I used to be the one with all the sheer unbridled obnoxious enthusiasm all the time. it remains, but it's definitely got covered with a layer of urine, it seems, lately.

i went to target tonight to buy a brook and dustpan. it perturbed me that the target on bristol in santa ana was exactly like the target in van nuys. the home appliances, the picture frames, the DVD burners, the stools.. the little salty pretzel stand.. all the same. okay we were maybe facing a different direction, but yes. i am no stranger to complaining about these types of things "why's it all gotta be cookie cutter!" and to be honest if it was laid out differently, i would also have been pissed "ohh shoot the store's closing in 15 minutes how am i gonna find what i am looking for?" so you see, really, the universe can not win. no matter what it does to me, i will still bitch about it. anyway they didn't have the type of broom i wanted. i did find a reasonable version up the street at bed bath and beyond, which closed just as i had paid for my purchase. i still haven't cleaned up those stupid ashes....

then i got a cheeseburger. i am not supposed to eat cheeseburgers. i had one for lunch already. i had one yesterday off my BBQ grill. i had one the night before when i was stumbling home drunk from the bar (or so my wallet tells me, from the tommy's receipt). ergo, no more cheeseburgers for awhile. it's alright, i have been eating way to omuch roughage to balance it out in general, anyway. Mmm.. leafy! Salady goodness.

i bought a few design books the other day - we have a great store for that in los feliz. this store is GREAT, the place is overloading with tons of books about all manner of kitschy americana trash. seriously, if i had money i would buy the entire place out. i can go in there and just wile away hours, looking at albums of futurist architects or german advertisements from the 1970s or whatever. refridgerator magnet collection books. that sort of thing. okay it might sound a litte bit retarded but trust me, it's very cool.

driving home tonight i was pissing on santa ana in my mind. oh, get over it! when i was having to work again in the valley, i was pissed as well. i was SO done with the place. it's just a place where your office building is located. i don't even mind the drive so much.

i guess i should echo my recent sentiments though - yeah i am TIRED of doing the same thing. i mean, i have different things to do (all the time). gotta keep up withmy peers, always gotta learn tonnnns of new stuff, new technique, new style, get faster, better, etc. But i think my stamina's waning a little. maybe it's just a settling period, maybe i am just tired of always getting so sucked into this thing all the time.. sucked in, spat out, back and forth. like i said - i'll complain if it's stable, or i will complain about it if it's dramatic. i am a grumpy old man!!!

but yeah i was fantasizing about having a different life as i drove. like, what if i was some different guy. not just another suit, or just another nerdy game guy, but just another wild weirdo out there doing whatever. i am so plugged into society, with my car and my paycheck and my girlfriend, my friday night, my usual place to get a burrito. the jobs change, the faces change, but the years pass and "the more it changes, the more it stays the same." I guess you do hit some kind of plateau after awhile. And it does feel good to have stuff behind you, the worrisome mystery gone "now how the hell am i gonna handle it when X happens? What if she wants to see other people? What if i lose my job? What if my car breaks down? What if so-and-so moves away? If there's traffic going to blah blah destination, what other route can i take?"

anyway, i guess i miss the excitement of the mystery a little, sometimes. but i am glad to have things waiting for me to figure out, still.

go to sleep. you think too much.