Phewwwww, but it has certainly been a long long time since I have written in this thing, wouldn't you say? As usual, the culprit is honestly just OT - lots and lots of OT. I have been banging the crap out of the neurons and dodecahedrons in the back part of my brain, as I have been overloaded with orders to "produce -- produce -- produce." I am really well exhausted these days, staying late at work night after night after night (weekends too). Ah, but so it goes, such is the lamentable life of the exhausted level artist. Hey, someone's got to build the world! Anyway, this is not new, it just ebbs and flows. Hopefully it will cool off sometime soon (in a postive way!) It's a double-edged sword - working like crazy gets some of the best work out of me, especially when I get into that groove - but it also makes me sort of miserable since I devolve into a kind of subhuman, incapable of complete thoughts, and regularly entertain fantasies of tossing myself over a bridge or something, ah well.
Anyway, in spite of my whining I am proud of the caliber of work I have been putting out lately, I sort of wish I could post it in here. It'll have to wait, though I hope we will have some more screenshots to show in the near future..
Other than work draining my vitals, absolutely, things are alright. Kind of a quiet pre-summer for games, in a way. GTA has been out for a bit now, and really dominating of course, but -- maybe it's just me, it feels like people aren't quite so sucked up into the whole hype megamachine for it like they were the last few go-rounds. Sure, it's making uber-bucketfuls of cash the world over, but it's sort of.. calm, for lack of a better descriptor. It landed and that's that, people are playing it but that's just it, they are playing "another sequel to a game that changed everything, some years ago." And the media is taking it easy on them, all we hear about is how the voice actor for the lead is pissed about lack of royalties (it's going to be hard for guys like him to get sympathy from dudes like ME, alright?) but that seems to be the worst of it. No hot coffee, no sexytime minigames, what-have-you. Put it out to pasture already. Actually, the game seems to be frying several people's consoles, that's SOMETHING, right?
Haze came out, plopped out rather, yeah this from the Goldeneye boys.. well, a lot of time has passed! I watched the dudes at work demoing it, it looked all well and good.. a little silly.. but competent. Not my thing, but then, WHAT IS, har har har? Seriously, the game is getting a lot of flack, and looking at the thing (from my admittedly limited P.O.V.) it's hard to wanna come down on those guys. In thiese post-Halo3, post-Gears days, it's just damned hard to put out an FPS by honesstly ANY company and not feel like sort of a weiner compared to the mega-powerhouses. I mean, you've got games like Unreal III, Crysis, things with serious 'recent' pedigree (not to take away from the Haze guys) and even THEY'RE sort of coming out with little more than a wink and a nod to show for it. Well, competition is good of course, and it's good to see standards are high - but at the same time, games are still early enough that it makes sense to expect these relatively B and C level contenders will have their place in the world as well. Do I encourage their persistence? Well, they need to make money if they wanna try to do different projects, I understand the business end of it. Anyway, if you can't really get something released that's at least feeling on a level of competency with Resistance, then you are probably bound for the bargin bin..
A strange season this time, the doldrums of summer usually but there's a little product this time, Coming of a ridiculously busy holiday season and a quite crowded spring, there seems to be a bit of hubbub to go on about in the coming schedule. Wii fit has just launched, of course, and true to it's heritage the thing is already sold out everywhere, and likely the case to be for sometime. I wanna buy one for my girl, also my parents.. looks like everyone's gonna be having to wait for a tad.
Of course the gorilla in the room is MGS4, which is out in.. what, 2 weeks, is it even that far off? That thing's been years in the making, I am sure it will make for some interesting times. Unlike the review bloats of GTA, I predict mid-to-high 8s. I think the thing will be fine, but it's getting old. We'll see.
Wow. Tired.. I must wrap this up, I have lots more to sya but it'll have to wait till next time. I need to talk about Boom Blox (which I picked up, haven't played yet - but looking forward tt it, sounds pretty fun!
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
i have traveled from the future, to unburden your mind
blogsketeers, how goes it. another late, lonely night for yours truly. as usual, all my bloggsses go neglected of late, with good reasons (i suppose) and i have found myself in possession of a few brief moments, with which I shall enlighten. Truth to be told, i should likely sped the time doing something more productive, but my rags are feeling pretty ragged, if you understand my drift.
Things are alright - life, she is plodding along as per usual. I am tremendously busy - well, to say that feels like an understatement, but you know. I am honestly as busy as I have ever been, work is dominating my mind and life and thoughts, there's certainly good things about that in some ways but it's also bad - really, as usual I am appreciative of my job but by jove, I want my life back a little more! I feel like I am sinking deeper and deeper into it, working around the clock with only that stuff on my mind "production - production - production" yields some -- err -- interesting results, of course, but you do forget how to be a human after particularly long sessions of it. As usual, I will wrap it up saying "my choice, this industry" and of course it's still worth the payoff, I love what I do (still.. for real!) but hey, I am ground down.
I have put a lot of other things on the shelf, pretty much across the board. Extracurricular activities, exercise, even HELL partying mostly - though true to form I will dip in and out of that as my rhythm dictates, and though I say I may not have too much of a choice in that matter, I have definitely shredded it down to a shadow of what that used to be (again, probably a good thing, and it's been so long since it was any kind of a regular thing in my life, that it almost feels very foreign to me.. almost!) Still, I manage to do some base things to keep in check (get some kind of sleep, get fed, keep my apartment from turning into a pig stye, spend some quality time with my significant other here and there..) Of course I try to drop in on my friends when I can..
The summer is upon us, in about a month really. As usual, I will slip into cliche and say "time is really flyin' Ma!" and it sure is, and as usual (also) it does bother me.. I get grief from some people "you always complain about that!" But you know, I do feel like it's a valid arguement - in many ways, I feel like I am questioning a lot lately, he values that have been instilled into me, the ideals I hold - the point of this life I have been leading. I am really feeling like work is something of a big waste of time, a lot of running around in circles, throwing the dice in some ways. I spend more and more time paying attention to the little details, maybe that's what's getting me thinking this way - that's a big feature of my personality though, I am a pretty detail-oriented guy in a lot of ways, like it or not I live my life through that prism. I pay attention to the details of where I am in my career, what i have got/stand to get from it, how that all adds up - I always say "well, I can't quit now, I don't know what else to do" and leaving wold be a different kind of pointlessness. I think once I get on some kind of a better streak, get some more leverage in my corner, my confidence will be up and I will feel more like the things I spend time on/decisions I sweat over will actually matter more. Patience, patience is a bitch, right?
The world is all crazy these days. It's always something. The pre-election stuff is quite goofy to watch. Four years ago I had some choice words to say. Now I just feel like it's the Ultimate Reality Show, this whole carnival. Oh well, at least it's not completely stodgy. It's becoming more and more like a sport though (that, or the Reality TV thing, choose your own metaphor). Also all this stuff with Cyclones and Earthquakes - it's permeating the news, but as we are in America, it kind of takes a back seat to things like Iron Man and LV bags, sadly. Or unsadly? Are we better off not dwelling on the macabre - so long as we are not ignoring it? I say, this could be a whole different avenue of philosophy (which I have considered before) which is sort of a self-defense mechanism.. anyway when tragedies happen in this country, I am sure we'll be more sullen about everything, at least for a little while. I am sure it's somewhat the same all over the map, to degrees, really.
Getting back to my work, I want to say that I am pretty proud of the fact that, in spie of my burned-out-state, I still seem to pump it out rather regularly. I am happy with what I produce, I can look at what I have made and feel like I didn't just shoot it out half-assedly. Sure, there's gonna be careless moments here and there, but after all these years (not to many, admittedly) I still take a fair amount of pride in what I do and spread the love in my work. Yeah, that's detrimental in some ways, too..
Half of 2008 still lies ahead. Nothing is really perking up this year for me. I have a couple things, work and personal-life-wise, that are of note - I'll likely move to a different project at some point, I will likely get out of debt shortly, my girlfriend will be out of school VERY shortly, stuff like that - but otherwise, in the grand scheme, there's nothing intimidating, on the positive or negative, on the horizon. No vacations, no big plans, no wild and crazy trips. Just back to back working and waiting for things to even out. Yeah, there'll be some good times in there to keep me smiling.. there's liable to be some pain-in-the-ass bullshit to keep me whinin' --- so life goes. I feel like it's coasting a little now.. well, for the time being.
Oh yeah hey! I got a speeding ticket last night, it's been almost a year and a half since the last one. 80MPH on the freeway at freakin' FOUR in the morning. 55 MPH limit (yeah, no one drives <70) I was so close.. That'll set me back a good two bills. Whatever, we all get nailed for that garbage sometime.
Things are alright - life, she is plodding along as per usual. I am tremendously busy - well, to say that feels like an understatement, but you know. I am honestly as busy as I have ever been, work is dominating my mind and life and thoughts, there's certainly good things about that in some ways but it's also bad - really, as usual I am appreciative of my job but by jove, I want my life back a little more! I feel like I am sinking deeper and deeper into it, working around the clock with only that stuff on my mind "production - production - production" yields some -- err -- interesting results, of course, but you do forget how to be a human after particularly long sessions of it. As usual, I will wrap it up saying "my choice, this industry" and of course it's still worth the payoff, I love what I do (still.. for real!) but hey, I am ground down.
I have put a lot of other things on the shelf, pretty much across the board. Extracurricular activities, exercise, even HELL partying mostly - though true to form I will dip in and out of that as my rhythm dictates, and though I say I may not have too much of a choice in that matter, I have definitely shredded it down to a shadow of what that used to be (again, probably a good thing, and it's been so long since it was any kind of a regular thing in my life, that it almost feels very foreign to me.. almost!) Still, I manage to do some base things to keep in check (get some kind of sleep, get fed, keep my apartment from turning into a pig stye, spend some quality time with my significant other here and there..) Of course I try to drop in on my friends when I can..
The summer is upon us, in about a month really. As usual, I will slip into cliche and say "time is really flyin' Ma!" and it sure is, and as usual (also) it does bother me.. I get grief from some people "you always complain about that!" But you know, I do feel like it's a valid arguement - in many ways, I feel like I am questioning a lot lately, he values that have been instilled into me, the ideals I hold - the point of this life I have been leading. I am really feeling like work is something of a big waste of time, a lot of running around in circles, throwing the dice in some ways. I spend more and more time paying attention to the little details, maybe that's what's getting me thinking this way - that's a big feature of my personality though, I am a pretty detail-oriented guy in a lot of ways, like it or not I live my life through that prism. I pay attention to the details of where I am in my career, what i have got/stand to get from it, how that all adds up - I always say "well, I can't quit now, I don't know what else to do" and leaving wold be a different kind of pointlessness. I think once I get on some kind of a better streak, get some more leverage in my corner, my confidence will be up and I will feel more like the things I spend time on/decisions I sweat over will actually matter more. Patience, patience is a bitch, right?
The world is all crazy these days. It's always something. The pre-election stuff is quite goofy to watch. Four years ago I had some choice words to say. Now I just feel like it's the Ultimate Reality Show, this whole carnival. Oh well, at least it's not completely stodgy. It's becoming more and more like a sport though (that, or the Reality TV thing, choose your own metaphor). Also all this stuff with Cyclones and Earthquakes - it's permeating the news, but as we are in America, it kind of takes a back seat to things like Iron Man and LV bags, sadly. Or unsadly? Are we better off not dwelling on the macabre - so long as we are not ignoring it? I say, this could be a whole different avenue of philosophy (which I have considered before) which is sort of a self-defense mechanism.. anyway when tragedies happen in this country, I am sure we'll be more sullen about everything, at least for a little while. I am sure it's somewhat the same all over the map, to degrees, really.
Getting back to my work, I want to say that I am pretty proud of the fact that, in spie of my burned-out-state, I still seem to pump it out rather regularly. I am happy with what I produce, I can look at what I have made and feel like I didn't just shoot it out half-assedly. Sure, there's gonna be careless moments here and there, but after all these years (not to many, admittedly) I still take a fair amount of pride in what I do and spread the love in my work. Yeah, that's detrimental in some ways, too..
Half of 2008 still lies ahead. Nothing is really perking up this year for me. I have a couple things, work and personal-life-wise, that are of note - I'll likely move to a different project at some point, I will likely get out of debt shortly, my girlfriend will be out of school VERY shortly, stuff like that - but otherwise, in the grand scheme, there's nothing intimidating, on the positive or negative, on the horizon. No vacations, no big plans, no wild and crazy trips. Just back to back working and waiting for things to even out. Yeah, there'll be some good times in there to keep me smiling.. there's liable to be some pain-in-the-ass bullshit to keep me whinin' --- so life goes. I feel like it's coasting a little now.. well, for the time being.
Oh yeah hey! I got a speeding ticket last night, it's been almost a year and a half since the last one. 80MPH on the freeway at freakin' FOUR in the morning. 55 MPH limit (yeah, no one drives <70) I was so close.. That'll set me back a good two bills. Whatever, we all get nailed for that garbage sometime.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
write away
jeez, feels like ages since i have visited the ol' blogosphere. Honestly, must be at least two weeks since i have put anything of any relative worth in here, but I would say it feels like it may as well have been at least 6 months (and that's feeling extremely generous). I have to mention it gets harder to write in this thing, knowing that people actually read it - and the whole reason I write anything in a public place is to prevent myself from sort of going off the deep end with a journal (by virtue of me having this thing, this long, it would only be a matter of time!) Anyway I have certainly felt the urge to put a lot of words down lately. but for numerous reasons I have kept mum. The troubling thing is, I feel like that's my overall problem about communicating in my life in general.
In spite of that tone, things in my life are generally okay. I am always going to be haunted by whatever the hell it is that's always around me, and anybody else could always say (or feel) the same, I am sure. We all have thos things in life, our crosses to bear, the consequences of our decisions, and we make do with what we've got. In the end it's all really our own machinations which have produced whatever is going on in one's adult life, and our regular rhythmic process is just how we deal with that, whatever it means to anyone (whether it's a happy thing, or not). I guess that's how it goes in life, sometimes when you are dealing with the things in your life it's a battle, sometimes it's a cakewalk, and for different people they could be the exact same things. I am starting to sound like one of those cheesy metal songs that prides itself on fulfilling lyrics about how everything is a paradox al the time, so i will just cool it now.
Work is alright, I can feel it wearing me down lately. So funny, when I don't have a job then the one thing I want more than ANYTHING ELSE just a freakin' job, I want it so bad i can taste it. Then when I have that one thing, I clutch onto it for all I am worth, I wrap my life/personality completely around it to the point that I don't quite know where I start or end, and then I just start getting contemptuous of the whole rotten thing. I am not totally sure how that happens, if it is a circumstantial thing or more like "just another facet of getting old." I have mentioned so many times how the older I get, the longer I work, the more it just gets really tired, but to be honest I talk to everyone else who does work like I do and I feel like nearly everybody is just so damned tired of it as well. The weird part is that all that said, I still find the weird OCD-specific part of my personality that loooOOoOOooves to get wrapped up in the particular supertechnical/abstract minutiae of what I do for a living, and rather than just putting down markers on a freeway I feel like some weird heavy frog frantically hopping onto increasingly more awkward lily pads that are so close to sinking (that one was for my own benefit, pardon the weird imagery).
So back to the paradox then...
Anyway, work has always been a battle, it will continue to be that way, and the way I look at my relative "elders" for this specific gig, it's always just coming and going that way pretty perpetually. It's funny. A bonafide blueprint for having a nervous breakdown? Would I ever be capable of doing anything else anyway? Aren't we all in some crazy big race? It could be worse, I could be working in the Japanese version of the industry.
Other than work, I feel like a lot of my life has kinda shriveled up lately. I live in this weird wonderful place, endlessly interesting and happily expressing all these opportunities for good times, to the point where even traveling anywhere else in the world almost seems (a bit) redundant.. almost.. but in spite of my being firmly planted smack- in the middle of it, I feel like i have tread such a well worn path of an incredibly defined space. I feel like i have memorized all the little nuts and bolts of every tiny little aspect of the area in which I traverse, to the point where I just wind myself up and go through all the motions as the time goes by. Fortunately, there's a failsafe in there somewhere that yanks me out and occasionally throws me into some weird madness here and there, just to keep it interesting, but it really feels like a decidedly double-sided coin now. To the point where even the aberrations feel almost as well planned and forethought.
All these things I go on about make me think about my (no-so-recent) flirting with picking it all up and starting over, and the over-under on that is that somehow that might not have been the great savior I was hoping it might be. Getting back to where (and when, and how) I live now, all the tools I need are pretty damned well spelled-out in front of me, and have been for awhile.
I think one of the reasons I am losing my mind is the fact that I sit in a desk making videogames all day long. Especially considering the nonsensical nature of that, compared to the "real" things that happen in the world (and are quite newsworthy) pretty regularly. The thing that makes me nuts is that so much of our society is steadily drowning in that very ridiculousness, just worshipping all this pointless bullshit that does not seem to matter. Attaching all this importance to things that are terribly irrelevant (I am staring straight at all the pop culture BS right now). And the great part of it all, is that by paying so much attention (and capital) to this unimportance, it actually DOES become important, it becomes the MOST important! That's one of the weird things which I am struggling to get my head around. Honestly, Care Bears and Thundercats are more important/influential than I will ever be! Well not just me, but actual smart-smart talented people. And this has been proven over so many times that it's not really leaving any room for argument.
I can't dwell on it too much, culture has it's place and it's really one of the most grandiose of contributions that we as a species can make back to the otherwise blank-slate nature that spawned us. Every weird little abstraction and market-researched bullshit idea (and all of their knockoffs) are all so deeply important and alive, at least conceptually, that we'll never really truly fathom any of what we have created, or it's implications (see: the Internet. Or, the Book). As I type that, a few hairs raise on the back of my neck thinking "ahhh, nature begets nature!" Yeah, nothing is more unsatisfying than an unintentional god, right?
These themes have certainly been explored several times before, in several forms.. and I am sure with much more clarity than I do them the disjustice of lacking (hell, it's pushing on 3am, give me a break!) As I ponder it, I realize people smarter than me have spent their lives pondering it before, and others before them, it's got it's own well-worn culture already as well (but such is the nature of human thought, to be curious, analytical). The stupifying part for me is the ultimate dead-end I always reach, and the fact that that is the only logical result anyway. "So what, who cares!"
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I have developed this strange new fascination with space stations lately. As usual I am too dumb to understand some of the deeper complexities of how such things work (and have happened), but I can at least sensibly work out why they happened and what led us to where we are today. Remarkable to me how no one else seems to even give a thought to such things, the notion of existing in a tiny wiry tube over the planet we were born for months at a time is one of the absolute nightmare craziest things I believe I have ever heard (another one being that "anyone with money can own and drive a car!") I guess it's just my inner caveman freakin' out again, but not for nothing, come on! It's late and my eyes are already bleary with sleep as I type this, but there's so much I would love to get into about the strangeness of how the space program (space race) developed, how it wasn't so long ago that it's primary purpose was honestly so that people could be able to kill each other, in all that's happened in technical marvels over the past century we've got nothing more impressive to show from it than how completely superior we are over any other organism bred of this Earth as far as being able to kill them all, and ourselves, nearly effortlessly and easily. Will we be able to beat out program in time? Will we kill ourselves with junk food and junk thought and junk love more meaningfully than we could only physically, with just mere stockpiles of nuclear weapons?
When I was young, I grew up in a time where I sensed that - even at a young age - a lot had happened in society at large, very recently, and it had spun the world up pretty good, but now it was "over" and things were settled and business, as usual, was transpiring from that point on. Everything was under control, by virtue of an establishment having occurred and enough systems already were in place (in society) to sort of follow through in expected fashion. Hey, the United States were already pretty well-figured out for like a couple hundred years already, right? Languages were all good to go, we had people to translate between enough of them.. anybody could get anywhere by car, plane, or if necessary, boat (and hey, can still walk to, for the short distances). TV in every home, computers were boxy and nerdy and mysterious but everything of a higher need utilized them all quite well for some time now and there didn't seem to be any need to worry about a deviation from the path. yeah, there were 3rd world countries, and yeah there was a cold war, and people on the other size of the world still seemed kind of poor and barbaric, but they were coming along and it was only a matter of time until everyone caught up and we'd all be on the same page and "it would just all be done, " all that building, renovating, adjusting.
Well, now I am like 15 years wiser since thinking such things, I have had enough time to go over it in my head after sort of subliminally hearing that all preached into my deeper consciousness for so long. I have seen thins with my own eyes, of course (always comes back to this) I live in a weirder cutting-edgier place where some of the raw stuff hasn't quite got filtered out and disseminated yet. College did a number on me as it opened me up to the world but also let me see how the world was opening up - MORE - to itself, in spite of it thinking (as noted above) that everything was just "all freakin' set."
As usual, it's hard for me to build up to a real point with these rants, it's sort of just a cross-section of the slutty sloppiness that sails through my thoughts as I commute back and forth to and from the office everyday, and it's not really mean to pique, so much as it is to express. In the end, I am just a simple animal like everyone else, and I want litlle else than they do.. maybe less (maybe more!)
In spite of that tone, things in my life are generally okay. I am always going to be haunted by whatever the hell it is that's always around me, and anybody else could always say (or feel) the same, I am sure. We all have thos things in life, our crosses to bear, the consequences of our decisions, and we make do with what we've got. In the end it's all really our own machinations which have produced whatever is going on in one's adult life, and our regular rhythmic process is just how we deal with that, whatever it means to anyone (whether it's a happy thing, or not). I guess that's how it goes in life, sometimes when you are dealing with the things in your life it's a battle, sometimes it's a cakewalk, and for different people they could be the exact same things. I am starting to sound like one of those cheesy metal songs that prides itself on fulfilling lyrics about how everything is a paradox al the time, so i will just cool it now.
Work is alright, I can feel it wearing me down lately. So funny, when I don't have a job then the one thing I want more than ANYTHING ELSE just a freakin' job, I want it so bad i can taste it. Then when I have that one thing, I clutch onto it for all I am worth, I wrap my life/personality completely around it to the point that I don't quite know where I start or end, and then I just start getting contemptuous of the whole rotten thing. I am not totally sure how that happens, if it is a circumstantial thing or more like "just another facet of getting old." I have mentioned so many times how the older I get, the longer I work, the more it just gets really tired, but to be honest I talk to everyone else who does work like I do and I feel like nearly everybody is just so damned tired of it as well. The weird part is that all that said, I still find the weird OCD-specific part of my personality that loooOOoOOooves to get wrapped up in the particular supertechnical/abstract minutiae of what I do for a living, and rather than just putting down markers on a freeway I feel like some weird heavy frog frantically hopping onto increasingly more awkward lily pads that are so close to sinking (that one was for my own benefit, pardon the weird imagery).
So back to the paradox then...
Anyway, work has always been a battle, it will continue to be that way, and the way I look at my relative "elders" for this specific gig, it's always just coming and going that way pretty perpetually. It's funny. A bonafide blueprint for having a nervous breakdown? Would I ever be capable of doing anything else anyway? Aren't we all in some crazy big race? It could be worse, I could be working in the Japanese version of the industry.
Other than work, I feel like a lot of my life has kinda shriveled up lately. I live in this weird wonderful place, endlessly interesting and happily expressing all these opportunities for good times, to the point where even traveling anywhere else in the world almost seems (a bit) redundant.. almost.. but in spite of my being firmly planted smack- in the middle of it, I feel like i have tread such a well worn path of an incredibly defined space. I feel like i have memorized all the little nuts and bolts of every tiny little aspect of the area in which I traverse, to the point where I just wind myself up and go through all the motions as the time goes by. Fortunately, there's a failsafe in there somewhere that yanks me out and occasionally throws me into some weird madness here and there, just to keep it interesting, but it really feels like a decidedly double-sided coin now. To the point where even the aberrations feel almost as well planned and forethought.
All these things I go on about make me think about my (no-so-recent) flirting with picking it all up and starting over, and the over-under on that is that somehow that might not have been the great savior I was hoping it might be. Getting back to where (and when, and how) I live now, all the tools I need are pretty damned well spelled-out in front of me, and have been for awhile.
I think one of the reasons I am losing my mind is the fact that I sit in a desk making videogames all day long. Especially considering the nonsensical nature of that, compared to the "real" things that happen in the world (and are quite newsworthy) pretty regularly. The thing that makes me nuts is that so much of our society is steadily drowning in that very ridiculousness, just worshipping all this pointless bullshit that does not seem to matter. Attaching all this importance to things that are terribly irrelevant (I am staring straight at all the pop culture BS right now). And the great part of it all, is that by paying so much attention (and capital) to this unimportance, it actually DOES become important, it becomes the MOST important! That's one of the weird things which I am struggling to get my head around. Honestly, Care Bears and Thundercats are more important/influential than I will ever be! Well not just me, but actual smart-smart talented people. And this has been proven over so many times that it's not really leaving any room for argument.
I can't dwell on it too much, culture has it's place and it's really one of the most grandiose of contributions that we as a species can make back to the otherwise blank-slate nature that spawned us. Every weird little abstraction and market-researched bullshit idea (and all of their knockoffs) are all so deeply important and alive, at least conceptually, that we'll never really truly fathom any of what we have created, or it's implications (see: the Internet. Or, the Book). As I type that, a few hairs raise on the back of my neck thinking "ahhh, nature begets nature!" Yeah, nothing is more unsatisfying than an unintentional god, right?
These themes have certainly been explored several times before, in several forms.. and I am sure with much more clarity than I do them the disjustice of lacking (hell, it's pushing on 3am, give me a break!) As I ponder it, I realize people smarter than me have spent their lives pondering it before, and others before them, it's got it's own well-worn culture already as well (but such is the nature of human thought, to be curious, analytical). The stupifying part for me is the ultimate dead-end I always reach, and the fact that that is the only logical result anyway. "So what, who cares!"
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I have developed this strange new fascination with space stations lately. As usual I am too dumb to understand some of the deeper complexities of how such things work (and have happened), but I can at least sensibly work out why they happened and what led us to where we are today. Remarkable to me how no one else seems to even give a thought to such things, the notion of existing in a tiny wiry tube over the planet we were born for months at a time is one of the absolute nightmare craziest things I believe I have ever heard (another one being that "anyone with money can own and drive a car!") I guess it's just my inner caveman freakin' out again, but not for nothing, come on! It's late and my eyes are already bleary with sleep as I type this, but there's so much I would love to get into about the strangeness of how the space program (space race) developed, how it wasn't so long ago that it's primary purpose was honestly so that people could be able to kill each other, in all that's happened in technical marvels over the past century we've got nothing more impressive to show from it than how completely superior we are over any other organism bred of this Earth as far as being able to kill them all, and ourselves, nearly effortlessly and easily. Will we be able to beat out program in time? Will we kill ourselves with junk food and junk thought and junk love more meaningfully than we could only physically, with just mere stockpiles of nuclear weapons?
When I was young, I grew up in a time where I sensed that - even at a young age - a lot had happened in society at large, very recently, and it had spun the world up pretty good, but now it was "over" and things were settled and business, as usual, was transpiring from that point on. Everything was under control, by virtue of an establishment having occurred and enough systems already were in place (in society) to sort of follow through in expected fashion. Hey, the United States were already pretty well-figured out for like a couple hundred years already, right? Languages were all good to go, we had people to translate between enough of them.. anybody could get anywhere by car, plane, or if necessary, boat (and hey, can still walk to, for the short distances). TV in every home, computers were boxy and nerdy and mysterious but everything of a higher need utilized them all quite well for some time now and there didn't seem to be any need to worry about a deviation from the path. yeah, there were 3rd world countries, and yeah there was a cold war, and people on the other size of the world still seemed kind of poor and barbaric, but they were coming along and it was only a matter of time until everyone caught up and we'd all be on the same page and "it would just all be done, " all that building, renovating, adjusting.
Well, now I am like 15 years wiser since thinking such things, I have had enough time to go over it in my head after sort of subliminally hearing that all preached into my deeper consciousness for so long. I have seen thins with my own eyes, of course (always comes back to this) I live in a weirder cutting-edgier place where some of the raw stuff hasn't quite got filtered out and disseminated yet. College did a number on me as it opened me up to the world but also let me see how the world was opening up - MORE - to itself, in spite of it thinking (as noted above) that everything was just "all freakin' set."
As usual, it's hard for me to build up to a real point with these rants, it's sort of just a cross-section of the slutty sloppiness that sails through my thoughts as I commute back and forth to and from the office everyday, and it's not really mean to pique, so much as it is to express. In the end, I am just a simple animal like everyone else, and I want litlle else than they do.. maybe less (maybe more!)
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
buzz binz
sigh, so much to say, so little time. as usual right now, i whine "sorrrry guys i haven't been keeping up with my game blog!" What can I say. It's 10:42 on tuesday evening and I am still at the office, that should give one an idea of the shape of things. So I am a workaholic, what else is new, so long as i apparently have picked the right career, eh?
Well, as noted, a lot is going on. All over the place, really. Rahter than try to sum it up and extrapolate it all down, I'll just binge and purge, so to speak. Work is very busy, our project is moving forward as usual. I have my hands in several things right now, with more coming. As usual, trying my damnedest to do a good job while still applying the L-O-V-E wherever and whenever possible. Next gen is gorgeous but such a pain in the ass, this spells so much headache for the future! In some ways, I miss the low-tech days, damn it..
A friend of mine got fired recently, I am sad to see him go. While I don't completely agree with the circumstances of his termination, I can't say I don't see where his superiors are coming from. Like they always say "it takes two to tango," and they are often right. So that sucks, but then, this is not the most unusual thing in this industry (take it from a fella who's been fired a good few times his own damned self..!)
On the other side of that, the bosses at this place are generally being pretty cool lately, as I have stated before (trying to not sound like a suck-up, but then, I am sure NONE of them read this blog - trust me, I watch the numbers, I know of what I speak!). Yeah, this place has it's issues and problems, like ANY company in this wretched godforsaken industry, but I still hold it to be true that the people in charge of this place, they are actually nice people, they make you feel like you are appreciated, if you are workin' hard for them.. that's more than I can say for some other places I have been at.
Listening to gaming industry podcasts all day long (surely it has contributed to my general floaty headache I have got goin' on!), I try to use those things to keep up with the trends, and generally very helpful (and entertaining) - though too much of it can be overstimulating/bulldozing, certainly. Listening to them talk about an online mod for the PC version of GTA San Andreas, very interesting - sort of a hint at what the coming future would be like when we finally are graced with a full on GTA-style MMO. As I write this, it makes me consider "I should drop what I am doing and get myself hired at Rockstar!!!" if for no other reason than to get myself in on the NEXT BIG THING. Yeah, we all want to get in there, don't we. Anyway, the point of bringing this up, it highlights my general disdain/disinterest in such things, that being MMOs, or honestly online co-op play in general (call it what you want). I enjoy playing videogames with other people, but I feel like I don't care if they are not actually in the same room, physically, with me. Something about chemistry, or something.. I just enjoy that social aspect of it. Yeah, I am a dinosaur.. Anyway, in spite of my lack of interest in that arena, I maintain that it's deserving of (a great deal of) attention as it is obviously quite a powerhouse force in gaming - and it makes me realize, actually, how out of touch I am with my fellow man. I mean this - people are BORED!!! I tend to forget this, as I have an extremely active and busy life, (though not necessarily of the sort that "most would be envious of,") but i mean - I have my career, I have my social life, I have my relationship, and to whatever other extent I have my hobbies (such as they are). All these things eat up so much time, that there's not a lot of time for me to really sit around and ponder how "tiiiiime is a-waaaaaastin'" But, yeah, the more I talk to people/pay attention to the world around me, I get the sense that so many people are just honest-to-goodness freakin' bored a good deal of the time. They have hours and hours of their lives that they just need to kill. Now it makes a little more sense to me how people can get so fixated on BS like World of Warcraft.. it's insta-gratifying substitute social life that leads you by the hand, plug-in-and-play, that doesn't require more than sitting down at one's desk, tokin' up or what have you, and just turning down the lights and clickety clackety the keyboard for a bunch of hours. Yeah. This stuff is just getting started, folks.. yeeeesshhh..
Lots of other stuff to say, Played the Bourne and Iron Man demos. One good, one bad, I will let you figure out which is which. Right now, I gotta get back to work. Also I would like to bang the chick in the new Mirror's Edge game. See you on the flip side...
Well, as noted, a lot is going on. All over the place, really. Rahter than try to sum it up and extrapolate it all down, I'll just binge and purge, so to speak. Work is very busy, our project is moving forward as usual. I have my hands in several things right now, with more coming. As usual, trying my damnedest to do a good job while still applying the L-O-V-E wherever and whenever possible. Next gen is gorgeous but such a pain in the ass, this spells so much headache for the future! In some ways, I miss the low-tech days, damn it..
A friend of mine got fired recently, I am sad to see him go. While I don't completely agree with the circumstances of his termination, I can't say I don't see where his superiors are coming from. Like they always say "it takes two to tango," and they are often right. So that sucks, but then, this is not the most unusual thing in this industry (take it from a fella who's been fired a good few times his own damned self..!)
On the other side of that, the bosses at this place are generally being pretty cool lately, as I have stated before (trying to not sound like a suck-up, but then, I am sure NONE of them read this blog - trust me, I watch the numbers, I know of what I speak!). Yeah, this place has it's issues and problems, like ANY company in this wretched godforsaken industry, but I still hold it to be true that the people in charge of this place, they are actually nice people, they make you feel like you are appreciated, if you are workin' hard for them.. that's more than I can say for some other places I have been at.
Listening to gaming industry podcasts all day long (surely it has contributed to my general floaty headache I have got goin' on!), I try to use those things to keep up with the trends, and generally very helpful (and entertaining) - though too much of it can be overstimulating/bulldozing, certainly. Listening to them talk about an online mod for the PC version of GTA San Andreas, very interesting - sort of a hint at what the coming future would be like when we finally are graced with a full on GTA-style MMO. As I write this, it makes me consider "I should drop what I am doing and get myself hired at Rockstar!!!" if for no other reason than to get myself in on the NEXT BIG THING. Yeah, we all want to get in there, don't we. Anyway, the point of bringing this up, it highlights my general disdain/disinterest in such things, that being MMOs, or honestly online co-op play in general (call it what you want). I enjoy playing videogames with other people, but I feel like I don't care if they are not actually in the same room, physically, with me. Something about chemistry, or something.. I just enjoy that social aspect of it. Yeah, I am a dinosaur.. Anyway, in spite of my lack of interest in that arena, I maintain that it's deserving of (a great deal of) attention as it is obviously quite a powerhouse force in gaming - and it makes me realize, actually, how out of touch I am with my fellow man. I mean this - people are BORED!!! I tend to forget this, as I have an extremely active and busy life, (though not necessarily of the sort that "most would be envious of,") but i mean - I have my career, I have my social life, I have my relationship, and to whatever other extent I have my hobbies (such as they are). All these things eat up so much time, that there's not a lot of time for me to really sit around and ponder how "tiiiiime is a-waaaaaastin'" But, yeah, the more I talk to people/pay attention to the world around me, I get the sense that so many people are just honest-to-goodness freakin' bored a good deal of the time. They have hours and hours of their lives that they just need to kill. Now it makes a little more sense to me how people can get so fixated on BS like World of Warcraft.. it's insta-gratifying substitute social life that leads you by the hand, plug-in-and-play, that doesn't require more than sitting down at one's desk, tokin' up or what have you, and just turning down the lights and clickety clackety the keyboard for a bunch of hours. Yeah. This stuff is just getting started, folks.. yeeeesshhh..
Lots of other stuff to say, Played the Bourne and Iron Man demos. One good, one bad, I will let you figure out which is which. Right now, I gotta get back to work. Also I would like to bang the chick in the new Mirror's Edge game. See you on the flip side...
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
couple days, couple days
hello RABID FANBASE, what is up with you all? Friday night (not really - i just honestly wish it was!!) Busy times at the office, some press has been about, games radar put up a new look at our game, a little yammering on the forums about the studio.. all good things. A bad thing is that a fellow got let go yesterday, which makes me sad. Hopefully he will be back on his feet ASAP, I will do all that I can to try and see if I can be of any service. Getting fired, well, that's a long blog post which I haven't written on in awhile (though there's a lot to say on the matter, to be sure).
Lots on my mind, business-wise. A bunch of fools are playing Smash in the other room - my buddy expressed his undying love for Call of Duty 4 the other day, I keep keep keep hearing how awesome awesome awesome this game is (hell I have wanted to work for that studio in the past, my friend Todd is there). I guess I will have to give in and PLAY AN FPS (shudder). Must be like everyone else. Must! The world waits with baited breath as GTA 4 ekes ever closer to it's ship date.. it's like.. a few days? A week? Something? I remember seeing ads for that thing like.. years ago, in the sides of fences, then they pulled them and cooled off as the release date got delayed. Another game I'm indifferent about, but of course I cannot deny it's significance.
Bad news in Activision-land, I dunno how many folks remember the dev house Z-Axis - they were an indie studio of no small degree of significance back in the day. ROckstar published their Thrasher for PS1 (either right before or immediately after Tony Hawk 1, either way being eclipsed by that title - but being just as good/noteworthy of a game, in many ways. At least critically!) When the Tony Hawk clones hit, they put out some good ones (Acclaim's Dave Mirra BMX, PS2 versions I am aware of - I would suspect PS1 as well). Their crowning achievement would likely have been Aggresive Inline, a game which very obviously copped BLATANTLY from the Tony Hawk mode and method, but in a very complementary/quality way (for a change!).The game scored excellently, I doubt it sold too too well (inline skates vs skateboards, that's a little rough) but yeah the thing was not bad. Anyway thy followed that up with the notoriously--- NOTORIOUS title BMX XXX, best remembered for it's topless chicks on BMX bikes and videos of strippers. Oh, Zed Axis. Sigh. The thing plunked (I think PS2 censored it, ruining the point) as Walmart or whoever (at LEAST) wasn't too psyched. Xbox and Gamecube versions were released as planned, but no matter. Anyway, after that travesty they were strangely picked up by Acti (I guess, hoping to elminate their competition by consuming them.. or putting them to work doing THPS ports.. or they recognized a capable dev when they saw them). Anyway something happened after the acquisition (something always happens folks!) and they kinda dropped off the map. A couple years passed and we heard of "the Iron Man game," I think they did one of the Xmen games as well.. not sure about that. Iron Man never materialized (there's one coming out shortly to tie in with the movie, but it's by Secret Level/Sega, so that would be unrelated). Then, they popped up barely a couple of months ago "Z-Axis being renamed to Underground" and now, a couple minutes later, "Underground studio will be closed in May.. after they finish up their Quake Wars port to 360 (or Ps3, forget which.. either way, they were only handling one). Supposedly they were gonna do one of the next Call of Duty's, obviously that's not happening as they'll not ever be doing anything again. Weird! Sad when things go down that way, especially with a place that actualy made some decent products. Hard to feel "totally bad" when any number of things could have transpired over the course of years, though. After the heads sold out, they could have took their fat paychecks and split.. hated working for their new bosses (hey Activision was certainly a rival of Rockstar and Acclaim, no doubt), maybe they got the boot.. The studio moved and hired a TON of people, a little mismanagement could go a long long way. Hard to tell, one can only speculate. Anyway, the saddest part is that Underground is closing and no one knows or cares what that means, everyone just says "good, so some shitty other ACTI house won't be tarnishing the COD name, and maybe Infinity Ward can stick with it instead." Sad, but also I guess, somewhat irrelevant at this point. Hopefully the HR folks will help place the to-be-unemployed with some new digs.
Also of note, 3 studio high-up guys from Retro Studios (the guy who rebuilt the classic Metroid franchise for the current generation) have reportedly left the studio and were "escorted from the grounds," take that as you will. Retro, not many know, had a little of a weirdo history as well (sigh, who doesn't, dammit?) and I am sure there's a little bit of that lingering. Good luck to all involved over there, anyway! Having worked at Left Field, and knowing folks from SIlicon Knights (previously, they did a lot of high-level Nintendo Exclusives several years ago) I can appreciate the especial difficulty therein.
Alright. My lights are baked. I am hitting the road. The night awaits.
Lots on my mind, business-wise. A bunch of fools are playing Smash in the other room - my buddy expressed his undying love for Call of Duty 4 the other day, I keep keep keep hearing how awesome awesome awesome this game is (hell I have wanted to work for that studio in the past, my friend Todd is there). I guess I will have to give in and PLAY AN FPS (shudder). Must be like everyone else. Must! The world waits with baited breath as GTA 4 ekes ever closer to it's ship date.. it's like.. a few days? A week? Something? I remember seeing ads for that thing like.. years ago, in the sides of fences, then they pulled them and cooled off as the release date got delayed. Another game I'm indifferent about, but of course I cannot deny it's significance.
Bad news in Activision-land, I dunno how many folks remember the dev house Z-Axis - they were an indie studio of no small degree of significance back in the day. ROckstar published their Thrasher for PS1 (either right before or immediately after Tony Hawk 1, either way being eclipsed by that title - but being just as good/noteworthy of a game, in many ways. At least critically!) When the Tony Hawk clones hit, they put out some good ones (Acclaim's Dave Mirra BMX, PS2 versions I am aware of - I would suspect PS1 as well). Their crowning achievement would likely have been Aggresive Inline, a game which very obviously copped BLATANTLY from the Tony Hawk mode and method, but in a very complementary/quality way (for a change!).The game scored excellently, I doubt it sold too too well (inline skates vs skateboards, that's a little rough) but yeah the thing was not bad. Anyway thy followed that up with the notoriously--- NOTORIOUS title BMX XXX, best remembered for it's topless chicks on BMX bikes and videos of strippers. Oh, Zed Axis. Sigh. The thing plunked (I think PS2 censored it, ruining the point) as Walmart or whoever (at LEAST) wasn't too psyched. Xbox and Gamecube versions were released as planned, but no matter. Anyway, after that travesty they were strangely picked up by Acti (I guess, hoping to elminate their competition by consuming them.. or putting them to work doing THPS ports.. or they recognized a capable dev when they saw them). Anyway something happened after the acquisition (something always happens folks!) and they kinda dropped off the map. A couple years passed and we heard of "the Iron Man game," I think they did one of the Xmen games as well.. not sure about that. Iron Man never materialized (there's one coming out shortly to tie in with the movie, but it's by Secret Level/Sega, so that would be unrelated). Then, they popped up barely a couple of months ago "Z-Axis being renamed to Underground" and now, a couple minutes later, "Underground studio will be closed in May.. after they finish up their Quake Wars port to 360 (or Ps3, forget which.. either way, they were only handling one). Supposedly they were gonna do one of the next Call of Duty's, obviously that's not happening as they'll not ever be doing anything again. Weird! Sad when things go down that way, especially with a place that actualy made some decent products. Hard to feel "totally bad" when any number of things could have transpired over the course of years, though. After the heads sold out, they could have took their fat paychecks and split.. hated working for their new bosses (hey Activision was certainly a rival of Rockstar and Acclaim, no doubt), maybe they got the boot.. The studio moved and hired a TON of people, a little mismanagement could go a long long way. Hard to tell, one can only speculate. Anyway, the saddest part is that Underground is closing and no one knows or cares what that means, everyone just says "good, so some shitty other ACTI house won't be tarnishing the COD name, and maybe Infinity Ward can stick with it instead." Sad, but also I guess, somewhat irrelevant at this point. Hopefully the HR folks will help place the to-be-unemployed with some new digs.
Also of note, 3 studio high-up guys from Retro Studios (the guy who rebuilt the classic Metroid franchise for the current generation) have reportedly left the studio and were "escorted from the grounds," take that as you will. Retro, not many know, had a little of a weirdo history as well (sigh, who doesn't, dammit?) and I am sure there's a little bit of that lingering. Good luck to all involved over there, anyway! Having worked at Left Field, and knowing folks from SIlicon Knights (previously, they did a lot of high-level Nintendo Exclusives several years ago) I can appreciate the especial difficulty therein.
Alright. My lights are baked. I am hitting the road. The night awaits.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
this is vegas
what did i say last time? "got back from las vegas, that place remins me of a videogame..."
http://www.gametrailers.com/player/33060.html
yeah so midway are putting out "this is vegas" GTA-style game. Here's the first I've seen of it beyond a couple of GTA-inspired screens. This one (and it's ilk) have folks skeptical, and not needlessly so - but I think someone is on the ball with this style of game. As is obvious, one would hope there's "more to it than this" but honestly, take a everyman character and stick him in an unusual and colorful setting, and you do have the possibility of making a very cool game out of it. For instance, using this as a springboard I could think of TONS of ways to make an amazing RPG... I will keep it to myself for the time being.. Let's just say it doesn't necessarily involve running around and kicking guy's asses (well.. not without realistic consequences!) and not just shooting people either, stealing cars, all that tired stuff..
http://www.gametrailers.com/player/33060.html
yeah so midway are putting out "this is vegas" GTA-style game. Here's the first I've seen of it beyond a couple of GTA-inspired screens. This one (and it's ilk) have folks skeptical, and not needlessly so - but I think someone is on the ball with this style of game. As is obvious, one would hope there's "more to it than this" but honestly, take a everyman character and stick him in an unusual and colorful setting, and you do have the possibility of making a very cool game out of it. For instance, using this as a springboard I could think of TONS of ways to make an amazing RPG... I will keep it to myself for the time being.. Let's just say it doesn't necessarily involve running around and kicking guy's asses (well.. not without realistic consequences!) and not just shooting people either, stealing cars, all that tired stuff..
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
holy crap, such pain!!!
so did y'all take care of your taxes yet, hmmm, hmm? Betta hope your ass got that shit all taken care of holmes!! that's right! Don't wanna mess with Uncle Sam.. He's got a bad temper. Send your butt to Abu Ghirab. However you spell it. Rip off your clothes and put a bag on your head and pile you up naked with a bunch of other dudes, watch out.
i am sitting at the desk at may's apartment, trying to type on her laptop and listen to KCRW and some annoying fool out somewhere is plucking guitar strings and it's really messing with me. i don't mind some ambient sound (lies!) but when i am already devoting my hearing attention to something else, it just starts becoming an obnoxious cacaphonic mess. i am good at zeroing my concentration in on things while i am involved with this/that/the other thing, but when i get too much conflicting stimuli (doesn't take much mind you) then my wires will get all crossed, my temper will flare, and my system will start to steam. I mean, that's how it would be if my constitution wasn't quite so ahh perfect.
Anyway I want the guitar plucker to get a case of the shits or something for a few minutes so they can put down their axe and pick up a copy of Consumer Reports and leave me in peace for fifteen goddamned minutes, that sounds appeasing.
I will try to keep centered enough to write, bear with me. I am already exhausted on top of my frustrations. I will try to keep my raging expession to a minimum (well, we will see how it goes). Anyway life has been busy as of late, as usual. Lots to tell. Last weekend (prior to this past weekend) the little lady and I hauled out to Veganas to visit her friend who lives/works out there, and that person's husband. He worked, the ladies shopped, I gambled and put down a couple of Cape Cods. Up and down, up and down, up and down. That night we tried to follow a hookup through to a party at The Palms, but there was some big fancy Exclusive Party going down which kept the plebians from attending, so we crossed the street and drank n danced at the Rio instead. Rio gets a bit of dislike from my crowd, but it fills a need and it was there for us that night, sure enough, so can't complain. Sunday hauled back home of course, followed by a week of work.
Broke up mid-week for a party up the street from my pad, open bar so it was hard to resist (plus I wanted to hang out with my buddy Justin). I'd not really been drunk in about a month, and the week of work wasn't too punishing so it wasn't difficult to squeeze in. The party was alright (like I said, close to home and open bar, downside is that it was a VFX wrap party which means 95 percent industry nerdlingers) anyway I somehow made it home to my bed, my trusty trusty bed, my trusty trusty alarm clock managed to snap me awake the next A.M. to get ready for work, and I did. Got hit halfway thru the day with a devilish little hangover, not bad/sick just annoying/hard to focus. Dumbasses, Listen - if it's open bar, don't waste the evening downing shots. Get loaded elegantly with more expensive, complicated drinks, stretch out the night, enjoy it, perhaps even remember more than a quarter or two. You know. Ah it's business as usual, I have an excuse, I am not used to that speed.
Friday was my buddy Niki's birthday, over on the West Side - it was at this little reggae-ish-kinda joint, as I was driving out from work (and then home) that meant I would put down a single beer and call it a night (drinking-wise), still wound up enough with my boundless energy that I was due for some dancing with the ladies. As the night wore on, I texted my girl who responded with a story about how she was presently being detained in a movie theater in El Segundo, apparently some punk shot a couple cops (in the movie theater lobby!) and they gunned him down right there. As they don't take too kindly to the wasting of police officers, the whole theater got locked up tight as a drum and everyone had to sit tight for.. oh, like 4 hours or so (no, not watching any actual films, or even being allowed to use any restrooms!) while SWAT rolled in and picked the place apart for any possible accomplices. Poor May!!! Anyway she showed up back at my place somewhere around 4:30 that morning.. sucks.. but I was happy she made it home in one piece. BTW don't tell her dad, if you've just read all of that.
Saturday.. this past saturday, of two days ago, it was a retardedly hot day (like 90 degrees in the city!) Hopped out of bed, threw on my shorts and some flipflops and headed over to get Robeks and then go for a hike in the park, it's been awhile. They CLOSED OFF THE PATH. Fuckers. I don't know where to begin to vent my anger for this, so I won't continue to try. All I gotta say is, I hope it reopens sometime in the next year, sigh. Anyway I grabbed May (as she's got up by this time) and we decided to try to head out to the beach. Never make it out there, but today seemed like it was made for such a plan. We hopped in the car bound for Venice, apparently everyone born since 1926 had the exact same idea as the fwy was packed all the way to the coastline. Parking prices were horrible as well ($15-20) but lucked out and found a $7 steal (sorry, I date an Asian girl, I am starting to say how much ('little') money I pay for everything). We hit the sand pretty late in the day, but it was still very relaxing, passed out for a few.. woke up and headed back to town, then another night out for me as a friend invited me out to his Goodbye Dinner (he took a job in Canada, leaving in a couple of weeks - very suddenly!)
Sunday, another heatwave, May and I visited or buddies in Atwater Village, hung out and ate some BBQ and drank some beers and played some Rock Band, a full day of relaxing with friends.. can't ask for much more. And today? Today was Monday, back to real life. We got a deadline fast approaching at work, once again, ad I am getting slammed every which way trying to wrap it up nice and tight for the end of the week. It's these times "when I shine" but dubious circumstances are conspiring to stress me ouuuuTTTT.
i am sitting at the desk at may's apartment, trying to type on her laptop and listen to KCRW and some annoying fool out somewhere is plucking guitar strings and it's really messing with me. i don't mind some ambient sound (lies!) but when i am already devoting my hearing attention to something else, it just starts becoming an obnoxious cacaphonic mess. i am good at zeroing my concentration in on things while i am involved with this/that/the other thing, but when i get too much conflicting stimuli (doesn't take much mind you) then my wires will get all crossed, my temper will flare, and my system will start to steam. I mean, that's how it would be if my constitution wasn't quite so ahh perfect.
Anyway I want the guitar plucker to get a case of the shits or something for a few minutes so they can put down their axe and pick up a copy of Consumer Reports and leave me in peace for fifteen goddamned minutes, that sounds appeasing.
I will try to keep centered enough to write, bear with me. I am already exhausted on top of my frustrations. I will try to keep my raging expession to a minimum (well, we will see how it goes). Anyway life has been busy as of late, as usual. Lots to tell. Last weekend (prior to this past weekend) the little lady and I hauled out to Veganas to visit her friend who lives/works out there, and that person's husband. He worked, the ladies shopped, I gambled and put down a couple of Cape Cods. Up and down, up and down, up and down. That night we tried to follow a hookup through to a party at The Palms, but there was some big fancy Exclusive Party going down which kept the plebians from attending, so we crossed the street and drank n danced at the Rio instead. Rio gets a bit of dislike from my crowd, but it fills a need and it was there for us that night, sure enough, so can't complain. Sunday hauled back home of course, followed by a week of work.
Broke up mid-week for a party up the street from my pad, open bar so it was hard to resist (plus I wanted to hang out with my buddy Justin). I'd not really been drunk in about a month, and the week of work wasn't too punishing so it wasn't difficult to squeeze in. The party was alright (like I said, close to home and open bar, downside is that it was a VFX wrap party which means 95 percent industry nerdlingers) anyway I somehow made it home to my bed, my trusty trusty bed, my trusty trusty alarm clock managed to snap me awake the next A.M. to get ready for work, and I did. Got hit halfway thru the day with a devilish little hangover, not bad/sick just annoying/hard to focus. Dumbasses, Listen - if it's open bar, don't waste the evening downing shots. Get loaded elegantly with more expensive, complicated drinks, stretch out the night, enjoy it, perhaps even remember more than a quarter or two. You know. Ah it's business as usual, I have an excuse, I am not used to that speed.
Friday was my buddy Niki's birthday, over on the West Side - it was at this little reggae-ish-kinda joint, as I was driving out from work (and then home) that meant I would put down a single beer and call it a night (drinking-wise), still wound up enough with my boundless energy that I was due for some dancing with the ladies. As the night wore on, I texted my girl who responded with a story about how she was presently being detained in a movie theater in El Segundo, apparently some punk shot a couple cops (in the movie theater lobby!) and they gunned him down right there. As they don't take too kindly to the wasting of police officers, the whole theater got locked up tight as a drum and everyone had to sit tight for.. oh, like 4 hours or so (no, not watching any actual films, or even being allowed to use any restrooms!) while SWAT rolled in and picked the place apart for any possible accomplices. Poor May!!! Anyway she showed up back at my place somewhere around 4:30 that morning.. sucks.. but I was happy she made it home in one piece. BTW don't tell her dad, if you've just read all of that.
Saturday.. this past saturday, of two days ago, it was a retardedly hot day (like 90 degrees in the city!) Hopped out of bed, threw on my shorts and some flipflops and headed over to get Robeks and then go for a hike in the park, it's been awhile. They CLOSED OFF THE PATH. Fuckers. I don't know where to begin to vent my anger for this, so I won't continue to try. All I gotta say is, I hope it reopens sometime in the next year, sigh. Anyway I grabbed May (as she's got up by this time) and we decided to try to head out to the beach. Never make it out there, but today seemed like it was made for such a plan. We hopped in the car bound for Venice, apparently everyone born since 1926 had the exact same idea as the fwy was packed all the way to the coastline. Parking prices were horrible as well ($15-20) but lucked out and found a $7 steal (sorry, I date an Asian girl, I am starting to say how much ('little') money I pay for everything). We hit the sand pretty late in the day, but it was still very relaxing, passed out for a few.. woke up and headed back to town, then another night out for me as a friend invited me out to his Goodbye Dinner (he took a job in Canada, leaving in a couple of weeks - very suddenly!)
Sunday, another heatwave, May and I visited or buddies in Atwater Village, hung out and ate some BBQ and drank some beers and played some Rock Band, a full day of relaxing with friends.. can't ask for much more. And today? Today was Monday, back to real life. We got a deadline fast approaching at work, once again, ad I am getting slammed every which way trying to wrap it up nice and tight for the end of the week. It's these times "when I shine" but dubious circumstances are conspiring to stress me ouuuuTTTT.
Monday, April 14, 2008
does.not.compute
..i probably just read that somewhere. what's up, User created Community, another week of work has passed and i am checking in. no big big news out of me for the moment - just doing a bit of research with the 2D sprite related genre, trying to pick up old sidescroller NES titles, there's a lot of underappreciated oldies that never got a real shot - for various reasons, in some cases you can see that there was some heart in their creation but they never really had it together in the vein of, say, a mega man or something. too bad for them. it's hard to pick up a game like the Krion Conquest and NOT ogle the graphics, in spite of the ugly-ass main character and not-so-fun design. These games were being pooped out relatively regularly, at some point, and a few of them may've been worthy... lost to the ages, by now. Some titles i intend to unearth, shortly.. 8 Eyes, Monster Party, Dr Chaos (whyyy?), Goonies II (ohh.. so brown!), Holy Diver (pretty weird pedigree on that one!), of course the Power Blade and Shatter Fists.. Kick Master (that prospect always kinda made me laugh). If you look back, there's alot more love lavished towards the 16-bit titles than these eight-bitters, but honestly, when the time and effort (and love) was put into the eight-bit games, you'd see a lot more delicate pixel work, attention to milking all that an artist could out of those severe palette restrictions. It makes the 16bit style seem a bit exhorbitant and lazy by comparison (a trend that continues to this very day, honestly!) This is how some PSOne games can still look well-put together (in spite of their criplling ugliness, relatively) compared to the onslaught of Gunmetal Unreal Engine titles which are flooding the landscape.
In the news, Dan Hsu has stepped down as the head of EGM/1Up/etc (I guess that's all-encompassing, anyway). This might seem useless to many on the actual dev side of things, but to someone like me it's notable - I grew up a huge EGM fanboy (it sure helped get me feeling "connected to games" in a lot of ways when i was a kid) and though he was not ed-in-chief in those days, he's since kept Electronic Gaming Monthly ina lofty status since. I have listened to the guy speak in many podcasts, heard him break down many thins during interviews, and so forth. Definitely one of the most influential people on the media side of things. It is so weird, lately, how game journalism is sort of suffering in many ways due to the nature of things (print is wrapping up, as online takes over in a big way.. witness the demise of games for Widnows mag, almost as recently)
It's 2am, my foot is asleep, perhaps time for the rest of me to follow suit then.
In the news, Dan Hsu has stepped down as the head of EGM/1Up/etc (I guess that's all-encompassing, anyway). This might seem useless to many on the actual dev side of things, but to someone like me it's notable - I grew up a huge EGM fanboy (it sure helped get me feeling "connected to games" in a lot of ways when i was a kid) and though he was not ed-in-chief in those days, he's since kept Electronic Gaming Monthly ina lofty status since. I have listened to the guy speak in many podcasts, heard him break down many thins during interviews, and so forth. Definitely one of the most influential people on the media side of things. It is so weird, lately, how game journalism is sort of suffering in many ways due to the nature of things (print is wrapping up, as online takes over in a big way.. witness the demise of games for Widnows mag, almost as recently)
It's 2am, my foot is asleep, perhaps time for the rest of me to follow suit then.
Sunday, April 06, 2008
unvirtual nonreality
Greetings from Videogameland! Lots going on lately. As mentioned in my "real life blog" some screenshots from Alpha Protocol got posted to the internet, one of them was a shot of a level of mine. It's been a little while..
I have been enjoying my GP32 lately, eveyr so often I will dig it out of the depth of my backpack "oh yeah, i have this thing still" and get sucked in to like 45 games on it. It is front lit (like the old Gameboy SP) so in my memory it is barely legible - obviously that isn't the case! The screen has an annoying smudge under the surface, but if i open it up i will likely mess it up worse in trying to clean it, so.. c'est la vie. Anyway it's not perfect but it is really nice, smudges and all, and the nice big screen kills the crap out of my otherwise singularly-used Gameboy Micro (still the champ, since it's so small and nigh-invulnerable). Oh well, they can coexist. The GP32 plays WAY more games, overall (excepting, of course, actual GBA ones) and I can fit more games on the switchable card than the single GBA flashcart. But like I said, I am able to enjoy them both. On a related note, I saw my friend's new PSP 2000 or Slimline or whatever the hell it is called - the Mark II - first time a week ago. I haven't touched a PSP in ages, one forgets how gorgeous the screen is! Anyway it's (slightly) more compacts, and way lighter. Still not for me, but impressive regardless. Anyway, I'd still more likely buy a DS Lite at this point if I was in the market for a portable, but PSP obviously isn't like.. TERRIBLE. Just kind of useless. haha.
Went to Vegas over the weekend. Vegas is like... a big videogame, in so many ways. It's such a weird, unruly place. It's just not like anywhere else in the world (and I say this, living as i do smack-dab in Hollywood!) All the different locales, the casinos - each one like a different themed level, different background graphics (haha), all of them representative metaphors of real places, ideas, portrayed in gimmick, cheap, cartoon form, all bunched up agaist each other. Treasure Island next to Eiffel Tower beside Miniature New York City, and so on and so forth.. the contents of each properly espousing each theme. Ad never mind the whole actual gaming aspect contained within - well, there are games, contests of skill (to a degree), winning and losing, extra chances, bonus levels, stages of advancement. In videogames, there is a defined path, to whatever degree, an outline, a beginning and end. In vegas games, they are a cheat really, a trick - they operate on a twisted system of greed, of lies (thinly-veiled, but even so). Repetitious in nature (well.. that's similar to videogames, i will give them that.. but in a different manner). Yeah it's interesting to draw some parallels.
I have been enjoying my GP32 lately, eveyr so often I will dig it out of the depth of my backpack "oh yeah, i have this thing still" and get sucked in to like 45 games on it. It is front lit (like the old Gameboy SP) so in my memory it is barely legible - obviously that isn't the case! The screen has an annoying smudge under the surface, but if i open it up i will likely mess it up worse in trying to clean it, so.. c'est la vie. Anyway it's not perfect but it is really nice, smudges and all, and the nice big screen kills the crap out of my otherwise singularly-used Gameboy Micro (still the champ, since it's so small and nigh-invulnerable). Oh well, they can coexist. The GP32 plays WAY more games, overall (excepting, of course, actual GBA ones) and I can fit more games on the switchable card than the single GBA flashcart. But like I said, I am able to enjoy them both. On a related note, I saw my friend's new PSP 2000 or Slimline or whatever the hell it is called - the Mark II - first time a week ago. I haven't touched a PSP in ages, one forgets how gorgeous the screen is! Anyway it's (slightly) more compacts, and way lighter. Still not for me, but impressive regardless. Anyway, I'd still more likely buy a DS Lite at this point if I was in the market for a portable, but PSP obviously isn't like.. TERRIBLE. Just kind of useless. haha.
Went to Vegas over the weekend. Vegas is like... a big videogame, in so many ways. It's such a weird, unruly place. It's just not like anywhere else in the world (and I say this, living as i do smack-dab in Hollywood!) All the different locales, the casinos - each one like a different themed level, different background graphics (haha), all of them representative metaphors of real places, ideas, portrayed in gimmick, cheap, cartoon form, all bunched up agaist each other. Treasure Island next to Eiffel Tower beside Miniature New York City, and so on and so forth.. the contents of each properly espousing each theme. Ad never mind the whole actual gaming aspect contained within - well, there are games, contests of skill (to a degree), winning and losing, extra chances, bonus levels, stages of advancement. In videogames, there is a defined path, to whatever degree, an outline, a beginning and end. In vegas games, they are a cheat really, a trick - they operate on a twisted system of greed, of lies (thinly-veiled, but even so). Repetitious in nature (well.. that's similar to videogames, i will give them that.. but in a different manner). Yeah it's interesting to draw some parallels.
Friday, April 04, 2008
one-way world
3am, and i should be asleep. Why? 'Cause it is THREE A.M.!!!
Another week almost wrapped up. Work is a bit lethargic lately - some screenshots of our game got published to the net this week, one of them is a level I have been working on. Interesting.. I am trying to take the barbs with ease. Anyway it's a Work in progress, what do ya want!
It was a stressful week anyway. Last week my girlfriend was sick, and dutifully I tried my best to make her comfortable. This week I got to chill out a little, unfortunately my car was having issues (a hose burst, the engine temperature was overheating as all the coolant had drained out!) I was fortunate, my engine didn't get ruined. That's a nightmare waiting to happen. People tell me I should by a new car. I say... sigh.. when I HAVE to.. Anyway, crisis averted, for the moment. I need to head in for a bonafide tune-up at the dealer, though, as soon as possible. Did my taxes last weekend.. yeah it's all wrapping up. As I have mentioned, it's wearing on my mind how often I watch the same amounts of money come into my bank account, then go back out.. in, out... yeah, I know I am being whiny, I am just tired of that. It's getting closer. I want that windfall to come, just sweep away my economic woes, but then.. then what? So I have a couple extra bucks in the bank to sit on. Fine. I guess I'll start some account where I cannot touch it and earn some interest.. yeah, SOME. It feels ridiculous to live in California sometimes. What am I gonna do, start saving for a house now, here? It used to be my plan, not too long ago. Some very large circumstances are really gonna have to come to pass, in my life, for that plan to even be any kind of validity. Ah well, at least i have lotsa company. Also, it's not like I have got any kids (or am stuck in a genuinely shitty living situation) so I can't complain too much. As usual, it's just a monkeywrench in my programming, is all.
I just had an odd thought, about a decade ago i heard of something called "Hank the Angry Drunken Dwarf" and that he was voted People's Sexiest person of the year, or something to that effect. It sounded completely farcical from the get-go, then I found out that this was an actual person (still a hoax, kind-of, but you know). Anyway, growing up Howard Stern always seemed like this strange otherworldly thing that was out of my comprehension/culture/need to give any kind of attention to, but honestly after joining the working world, one can see how that stuff can be a valid antidote to yawnfests like NPR (i like NPR, don't get me wrong - I really do - but in the AM, the soothing announcer voice, the chill music, the subject matter - that is a yawnfest de rigeur!) Anyway Stern's been off the normal radio for a couple of years now, I never signed up for Satellite Radio for various reasons (I am not THAT dedicated) but the world of radio has certainly changed in the wake of all that. And, the Janet Jackson boob (and 9-11 and all of that). No short order. Anyway, it's interesting (I guess) for me to be typing about so random a topic as Talk Radio on my blog, but it is actually a genuine part of my life, I listen to talk very much as I am commuting, as I am working.. it's been much less important (vital) since Howard moved on, sadly. Not that I have ever been any kind of diehard fan, but the point is that the rest of that world (the parts of it I survey) is pretty tame by comparison. Ah well - too bad.
Did my laundry tonight. May wants to go to Vegas this weekend, so we'll head there to visit her friends after work tomorrow and undoubtedly win lots and lots of insane cash. I promise! Phewwww, two trips to vegas in like 2 months' time, i can't believe it. The last trip isn't even faded out of memory yet. I am tired of Vegas! It's a super-interesting place though - a wild microcosm - but dividing my time between Vegas, Los Angeles, and (almost, lately) Boston to a much lesser degree, my brains are starting to hemorrhage out of my skull. I.. I need to drive up the coast, relax on the beach. Soon! Maybe!
Possibly!
Anyway Vegas is sort of the farthest thing from my mind right now, I feel like I need to lock myself up in a nice quaint little cell or something for like.. 3, 4 months.. a sensory deprivation chamber, something. Living in LA is a blast, but once in a while just by virtue of living in the midst of it all, your radiation starts to burn, slowly.. the nerves get frayed, the hairs on the back of your neck start to stick up. The madness is either with you or against you, sometimes it's hard to tell were your receptors are.
I guess a good night's sleep is tantamount to dealing with any of it. If I am lucky I can get on 5 and a half hours, if i mosey on up there like now sort-of. Then work, then drive. Shistasomajaponica.
Another week almost wrapped up. Work is a bit lethargic lately - some screenshots of our game got published to the net this week, one of them is a level I have been working on. Interesting.. I am trying to take the barbs with ease. Anyway it's a Work in progress, what do ya want!
It was a stressful week anyway. Last week my girlfriend was sick, and dutifully I tried my best to make her comfortable. This week I got to chill out a little, unfortunately my car was having issues (a hose burst, the engine temperature was overheating as all the coolant had drained out!) I was fortunate, my engine didn't get ruined. That's a nightmare waiting to happen. People tell me I should by a new car. I say... sigh.. when I HAVE to.. Anyway, crisis averted, for the moment. I need to head in for a bonafide tune-up at the dealer, though, as soon as possible. Did my taxes last weekend.. yeah it's all wrapping up. As I have mentioned, it's wearing on my mind how often I watch the same amounts of money come into my bank account, then go back out.. in, out... yeah, I know I am being whiny, I am just tired of that. It's getting closer. I want that windfall to come, just sweep away my economic woes, but then.. then what? So I have a couple extra bucks in the bank to sit on. Fine. I guess I'll start some account where I cannot touch it and earn some interest.. yeah, SOME. It feels ridiculous to live in California sometimes. What am I gonna do, start saving for a house now, here? It used to be my plan, not too long ago. Some very large circumstances are really gonna have to come to pass, in my life, for that plan to even be any kind of validity. Ah well, at least i have lotsa company. Also, it's not like I have got any kids (or am stuck in a genuinely shitty living situation) so I can't complain too much. As usual, it's just a monkeywrench in my programming, is all.
I just had an odd thought, about a decade ago i heard of something called "Hank the Angry Drunken Dwarf" and that he was voted People's Sexiest person of the year, or something to that effect. It sounded completely farcical from the get-go, then I found out that this was an actual person (still a hoax, kind-of, but you know). Anyway, growing up Howard Stern always seemed like this strange otherworldly thing that was out of my comprehension/culture/need to give any kind of attention to, but honestly after joining the working world, one can see how that stuff can be a valid antidote to yawnfests like NPR (i like NPR, don't get me wrong - I really do - but in the AM, the soothing announcer voice, the chill music, the subject matter - that is a yawnfest de rigeur!) Anyway Stern's been off the normal radio for a couple of years now, I never signed up for Satellite Radio for various reasons (I am not THAT dedicated) but the world of radio has certainly changed in the wake of all that. And, the Janet Jackson boob (and 9-11 and all of that). No short order. Anyway, it's interesting (I guess) for me to be typing about so random a topic as Talk Radio on my blog, but it is actually a genuine part of my life, I listen to talk very much as I am commuting, as I am working.. it's been much less important (vital) since Howard moved on, sadly. Not that I have ever been any kind of diehard fan, but the point is that the rest of that world (the parts of it I survey) is pretty tame by comparison. Ah well - too bad.
Did my laundry tonight. May wants to go to Vegas this weekend, so we'll head there to visit her friends after work tomorrow and undoubtedly win lots and lots of insane cash. I promise! Phewwww, two trips to vegas in like 2 months' time, i can't believe it. The last trip isn't even faded out of memory yet. I am tired of Vegas! It's a super-interesting place though - a wild microcosm - but dividing my time between Vegas, Los Angeles, and (almost, lately) Boston to a much lesser degree, my brains are starting to hemorrhage out of my skull. I.. I need to drive up the coast, relax on the beach. Soon! Maybe!
Possibly!
Anyway Vegas is sort of the farthest thing from my mind right now, I feel like I need to lock myself up in a nice quaint little cell or something for like.. 3, 4 months.. a sensory deprivation chamber, something. Living in LA is a blast, but once in a while just by virtue of living in the midst of it all, your radiation starts to burn, slowly.. the nerves get frayed, the hairs on the back of your neck start to stick up. The madness is either with you or against you, sometimes it's hard to tell were your receptors are.
I guess a good night's sleep is tantamount to dealing with any of it. If I am lucky I can get on 5 and a half hours, if i mosey on up there like now sort-of. Then work, then drive. Shistasomajaponica.
Monday, March 31, 2008
forever stalking you
yup, 'nother day, time to catch up with the neglected bloginizing. Actually, I did put forth a rather heated effort last week, though I would say it was a little on the too-heated side, I never finished and decided to let the sleeping does lie. I was in a pretty gnarly mood, so maybe it was for the better (though perhaps i'll just sliiiiide it in later).
Things are alright. It's 7pm on a Monday night and I am sitting at my desk at work, baking some lightmaps. Yep, that's right! Another draggy day in draggy life is behind me, though I am not sure when exactly I will leave my post for the day - I have things I should tend to at home, I suppose, so perhaps not too too late. The shuffle back-and-forth does get a little tiresome though, I have to say. Not enough to make me wanna quit, though.. or move.. sigh.
Anyway, today's excitement -> our office is next to the 55 freeway (by, well.. YARDS, barely) and a little old lady swerved off of it and smack into the planter where the smokers usually chill out at. Fortunately for them, no folks back there at the moment, or they would have been crushed! Anyway the car flipped and she was trapped for awhile, till them paramedics came and freed her. Very weird. I guess she got lucky, sounds like she will be alright. I have seen some things in my day, this is another first for me though.
What else.. hmm, I don't proclaim to have too many heroes, and I don't use such a term lightly, if at all. But I guess radio-talk-show host Adam Carolla would have ot rank up there, for people who I respect and appreciate. He made a small film, which opened this past weekend. My friend and I went to check it out, the man himself came out following the show for some Q and A, which was cool. The whole affair was.. tiny, really (bad for him, I guess, but good for us) so it was intimate and therefore pretty cool. Got to meet him and shake his hand, for whatever that's worth. But yeah I think I listen to that guy in some form or other, every day at work - for a good 5 years or so now, at least!! So that was pretty cool.
Otherwise, life is pretty chill. Work is.. well, work is always taking it out of me, in some form or other, but I am just past my 1-year anniversary at this studio, that's a good thing I'd say (well, good that I am still legitimately employed and all of that).Working pretty hard, as usual! Otherwise, trying (damned hard) to stay out of the partyin' scene. That's a hard thing, honestly - I can tell that my mental state is a lot unhappier for it, but it's a personal choice. It's too damned expensive, and I have spent more than my fair share on that part of my lifestyle. I do think I have been pretty good about it, especially over the past year - but I gotta tighten the belt even further!
It sucks though! But that is life. It is interesting, to measure reality differently when you don't have such regular periods of absolute escapism. Interesting, to be sure.. upsetting in some ways, perhaps. It does feel good to think of the positive side of things though. I am really tired of putting the same amount of money into the bank and deducting the exact same amount to cover my bills, over and over, each freakin' month. It's pretty old. Welcome to everyone else's life, I know. I have been full of hot air for some time now about "this plan" or "that idea" to get things to change. I don't lie to myself, there's a lot I can do (hell, there's a lot I have already done) but as usual, ratcheting up to that next notch definitely means more (urgh) painful of a change, in whatever capacity. I have dabbled here and there - I always have some notions, I wouldn't say the things in my head are truly half-hearted or completely naive either. But as they say, the proof is in the pudding. Man, what a dumb thing to say.
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This is cheesy, but I will occasionally pull up my website now and again, i suppose it's sort of narcissistic, sort of ego-stroking, whatever (well, everyone needs that stuff). I don't think it's any great piece of work, it's flawed and whatever like anything, but it is mine, it's representative of my career, my life in some ways. It's changed over time, between subtle shifts and complete overhauls, also like me. It's cheesy to say these things, and it's just a meaningless website, but it is still symbolic to me, it's a constant like I am. I guess I just look at it, like anything else, with a micture of pride and.. expectation. There's things on there, some I am proud of, some I'd like to forget, to get past.. take them down, replace them altogether. Sigh, even just get rid of the whole damned thing, haha. Well, I need to hold onto it, so that's not likely to happen. But more than anything (and here comes the cheesiest part), it still sort of represents my hopes and dreams, in a way. It's a work-in-progress, a map kind of where I have been, a footprint, whatever you wanna call it. But I look and say "alright, that's all well and good, but where can I go next from this meager stepping stone?"
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I have been all over the place lately. It's hard to measure.. The holidays are actually quite distant for me already, mentally, but new year's wasn't THAT far behind. I went to Boston twice, Vegas once, since last winter. I mean.. I was just IN Boston, exactly one month ago, but it feels like it could easily have been half a year ago, or longer. That's so strange- what does that mean? Am I so settled and plugged into my simle little routine here, that any deviance from the norm (esp. a "normal deviance") just goes into a little pigeonhole like that? It pisses me off. Time should be more novel than that. I find myself saying these things a lot lately, "'ll do something.. sometime." When is that? What does that mean? I guess I am getting impatient, but I don't know what for. My youthful energy to pick up and do whatever is fleeting, even if it's still in me. I am not complaining (out and out) about this, so much as trying to snap out of this person I am becoming, trying to take a warning from it. I live this weird life, in this crazy wild place - there's tons of opportunity around me, for.. anything... I have tasted it before, but I am forgetting how to. And if I squander it, the only person whose fault that will be, is my own. I go home at night, I crank on the heater, nestle up next to it for that primal warm feeling, that "who cares, I got my heat" feeling, the one that burns a little to the point where it gets a little painful (but anything less is too weak!), I look at my bookcase, my couch, my coffee table.. my TV. I feel solid and secure, I have this place, this stability now, it's kind of got sculpted out pretty well the way I like it, and the comfort of it all is what seems to trap me, to keep me from cutting away and releasing back into the chance, the danger, the difference. Maybe I will just flip a coin. Screw it. Go to vegas, take my tax return and put it on red, if I win then put THAT on black, spend half partying and the other half on gettin' a move on. Nice fantasy, right?
Things are alright. It's 7pm on a Monday night and I am sitting at my desk at work, baking some lightmaps. Yep, that's right! Another draggy day in draggy life is behind me, though I am not sure when exactly I will leave my post for the day - I have things I should tend to at home, I suppose, so perhaps not too too late. The shuffle back-and-forth does get a little tiresome though, I have to say. Not enough to make me wanna quit, though.. or move.. sigh.
Anyway, today's excitement -> our office is next to the 55 freeway (by, well.. YARDS, barely) and a little old lady swerved off of it and smack into the planter where the smokers usually chill out at. Fortunately for them, no folks back there at the moment, or they would have been crushed! Anyway the car flipped and she was trapped for awhile, till them paramedics came and freed her. Very weird. I guess she got lucky, sounds like she will be alright. I have seen some things in my day, this is another first for me though.
What else.. hmm, I don't proclaim to have too many heroes, and I don't use such a term lightly, if at all. But I guess radio-talk-show host Adam Carolla would have ot rank up there, for people who I respect and appreciate. He made a small film, which opened this past weekend. My friend and I went to check it out, the man himself came out following the show for some Q and A, which was cool. The whole affair was.. tiny, really (bad for him, I guess, but good for us) so it was intimate and therefore pretty cool. Got to meet him and shake his hand, for whatever that's worth. But yeah I think I listen to that guy in some form or other, every day at work - for a good 5 years or so now, at least!! So that was pretty cool.
Otherwise, life is pretty chill. Work is.. well, work is always taking it out of me, in some form or other, but I am just past my 1-year anniversary at this studio, that's a good thing I'd say (well, good that I am still legitimately employed and all of that).Working pretty hard, as usual! Otherwise, trying (damned hard) to stay out of the partyin' scene. That's a hard thing, honestly - I can tell that my mental state is a lot unhappier for it, but it's a personal choice. It's too damned expensive, and I have spent more than my fair share on that part of my lifestyle. I do think I have been pretty good about it, especially over the past year - but I gotta tighten the belt even further!
It sucks though! But that is life. It is interesting, to measure reality differently when you don't have such regular periods of absolute escapism. Interesting, to be sure.. upsetting in some ways, perhaps. It does feel good to think of the positive side of things though. I am really tired of putting the same amount of money into the bank and deducting the exact same amount to cover my bills, over and over, each freakin' month. It's pretty old. Welcome to everyone else's life, I know. I have been full of hot air for some time now about "this plan" or "that idea" to get things to change. I don't lie to myself, there's a lot I can do (hell, there's a lot I have already done) but as usual, ratcheting up to that next notch definitely means more (urgh) painful of a change, in whatever capacity. I have dabbled here and there - I always have some notions, I wouldn't say the things in my head are truly half-hearted or completely naive either. But as they say, the proof is in the pudding. Man, what a dumb thing to say.
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This is cheesy, but I will occasionally pull up my website now and again, i suppose it's sort of narcissistic, sort of ego-stroking, whatever (well, everyone needs that stuff). I don't think it's any great piece of work, it's flawed and whatever like anything, but it is mine, it's representative of my career, my life in some ways. It's changed over time, between subtle shifts and complete overhauls, also like me. It's cheesy to say these things, and it's just a meaningless website, but it is still symbolic to me, it's a constant like I am. I guess I just look at it, like anything else, with a micture of pride and.. expectation. There's things on there, some I am proud of, some I'd like to forget, to get past.. take them down, replace them altogether. Sigh, even just get rid of the whole damned thing, haha. Well, I need to hold onto it, so that's not likely to happen. But more than anything (and here comes the cheesiest part), it still sort of represents my hopes and dreams, in a way. It's a work-in-progress, a map kind of where I have been, a footprint, whatever you wanna call it. But I look and say "alright, that's all well and good, but where can I go next from this meager stepping stone?"
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I have been all over the place lately. It's hard to measure.. The holidays are actually quite distant for me already, mentally, but new year's wasn't THAT far behind. I went to Boston twice, Vegas once, since last winter. I mean.. I was just IN Boston, exactly one month ago, but it feels like it could easily have been half a year ago, or longer. That's so strange- what does that mean? Am I so settled and plugged into my simle little routine here, that any deviance from the norm (esp. a "normal deviance") just goes into a little pigeonhole like that? It pisses me off. Time should be more novel than that. I find myself saying these things a lot lately, "'ll do something.. sometime." When is that? What does that mean? I guess I am getting impatient, but I don't know what for. My youthful energy to pick up and do whatever is fleeting, even if it's still in me. I am not complaining (out and out) about this, so much as trying to snap out of this person I am becoming, trying to take a warning from it. I live this weird life, in this crazy wild place - there's tons of opportunity around me, for.. anything... I have tasted it before, but I am forgetting how to. And if I squander it, the only person whose fault that will be, is my own. I go home at night, I crank on the heater, nestle up next to it for that primal warm feeling, that "who cares, I got my heat" feeling, the one that burns a little to the point where it gets a little painful (but anything less is too weak!), I look at my bookcase, my couch, my coffee table.. my TV. I feel solid and secure, I have this place, this stability now, it's kind of got sculpted out pretty well the way I like it, and the comfort of it all is what seems to trap me, to keep me from cutting away and releasing back into the chance, the danger, the difference. Maybe I will just flip a coin. Screw it. Go to vegas, take my tax return and put it on red, if I win then put THAT on black, spend half partying and the other half on gettin' a move on. Nice fantasy, right?
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
oh dear
man, it is a slow day. Perforce is crawwwwwwling since I have walked in (hours ago!) and until it finishes updating, I can't really get much done. This is unusual, but after last week's crunch, it fuels my lethargy..
Things are alright, our game has been on the public's tongue for a bit over a week (and change?) now, since there's not been quite so much of a media blitz it is sort of quiet mostly - I would imagine that will be different down the road, as usual. Anyway it is certainly interesting (in both good and bad ways) to watch the public reception to the announcement, and the initial articles.. too bad no one leaked any information about the PIRATE NINJA SPACE VIXEN levels in our game yet, oh well.
In the meantime, as usual I have loads and loads of things to say about game development (specifically, about finagling management of the unreal engine) but of course I will keep my cards close to my chest. Needless to say, I am sure I am thinking many of the same things that my counterparts in other companies would. It's very interesting, this development cycle, to see how things are handled "for next gen" (i know, can't really call it that anymore!) compared to the PS2 days. So much more overhead, to say the least. Sigh, I remember the times when I'd be meticulously cutting out shadow geometry all over the terrain "oh my GOD when will these times be past us! All will be valhalla!" Oh but y'know. It's always something, it really is.
I have had a slow trickle of game purchases lately, actually picked up a couple of Sega 32X games if you can believe that (hey, I acquired a unit for free, alright?) There were literally like 2 games for it that I was somewhat interested in looking at, I found them for a song so why not (no haven't even hooked the thing up yet anyway). I still have Bioshock sitting in my bag, as it's been for.. a long time, I really need to play through some more of it but in these times of wayyyyy too many good games, it's hard ot keep one's momentum with nearly anything, at times.
I got a couple big scores, relatively - mentioned previously, of course. First up at bat would be the Vectrex, old console (with built-in monitor) circa 1983, came out juuuust before the Video Game Crash. An impressive little device, I picked up a multicart for it as well (hey man, I just wanna play the games!) It's pretty sweet! I guess I did not know totally what to expect - I do remember the Atari 2600 era fairly well, and what kinds of games it inspired, so with that all in mind the uniqueness of the Vectrex is quite a treat. Disappointed not to see a straight-up Tempest clone amongst the titles there, but what's included is certainly worth the cash I spent on the whole kit (not too much, anyway...) Yeah, the thing looks neat. The controls feel a little touchy, you can tell this controller was designed in the days before hardcore ergonomic testing - as a result there's certainly a much more raw and pure feeling about the whole ordeal. When I ran it the first time, hearning the strange old-fashioned calliope/carnival music sort of made my heart warm a little (as dorky as that sounds!) The games look cool! They look weird, abstract, Janky. The pacman clone makes you laugh. The.. character game makes you.. scratch your head (game design was just in different places in those days). Scramble is as cool as ever. The little space invaders, Asteroids, and Missile Command knockoffs all look, sound, and play great. The pole position game is just like too cute for words, I guess. (trust me, it's cute with the little powerlines and trees and crape). Okay maybe that was Hyper Chase. You get the picture.
The Vector display is something else - you turn the thing on (it's a circular knob, how is that for quaint?)and the thing hums at you. The tube glows strangely, like a great-grandparents' TV would.. it looks odd, but still very neat. A lot of games use these small tiny specks (for stars, bullets, whatever) that just look like glowing bits of too-bright magnesium. It really looks unlike anything else you see in gaming, that's for sure...
Overall the thing is supercool. I wouldn't say I was "glued to it," it's nice to have it here (though it is really just more clutter) but the design and aesthetic from the top-down just makes me feel at home with my roots (my roots-roots!) you know? If anything, it frustrates me because now I want someone to make a similar little desktop MAME cabinet, or something, so I can go even further with it. Wait don't I have a GP32 alrready?
Things are alright, our game has been on the public's tongue for a bit over a week (and change?) now, since there's not been quite so much of a media blitz it is sort of quiet mostly - I would imagine that will be different down the road, as usual. Anyway it is certainly interesting (in both good and bad ways) to watch the public reception to the announcement, and the initial articles.. too bad no one leaked any information about the PIRATE NINJA SPACE VIXEN levels in our game yet, oh well.
In the meantime, as usual I have loads and loads of things to say about game development (specifically, about finagling management of the unreal engine) but of course I will keep my cards close to my chest. Needless to say, I am sure I am thinking many of the same things that my counterparts in other companies would. It's very interesting, this development cycle, to see how things are handled "for next gen" (i know, can't really call it that anymore!) compared to the PS2 days. So much more overhead, to say the least. Sigh, I remember the times when I'd be meticulously cutting out shadow geometry all over the terrain "oh my GOD when will these times be past us! All will be valhalla!" Oh but y'know. It's always something, it really is.
I have had a slow trickle of game purchases lately, actually picked up a couple of Sega 32X games if you can believe that (hey, I acquired a unit for free, alright?) There were literally like 2 games for it that I was somewhat interested in looking at, I found them for a song so why not (no haven't even hooked the thing up yet anyway). I still have Bioshock sitting in my bag, as it's been for.. a long time, I really need to play through some more of it but in these times of wayyyyy too many good games, it's hard ot keep one's momentum with nearly anything, at times.
I got a couple big scores, relatively - mentioned previously, of course. First up at bat would be the Vectrex, old console (with built-in monitor) circa 1983, came out juuuust before the Video Game Crash. An impressive little device, I picked up a multicart for it as well (hey man, I just wanna play the games!) It's pretty sweet! I guess I did not know totally what to expect - I do remember the Atari 2600 era fairly well, and what kinds of games it inspired, so with that all in mind the uniqueness of the Vectrex is quite a treat. Disappointed not to see a straight-up Tempest clone amongst the titles there, but what's included is certainly worth the cash I spent on the whole kit (not too much, anyway...) Yeah, the thing looks neat. The controls feel a little touchy, you can tell this controller was designed in the days before hardcore ergonomic testing - as a result there's certainly a much more raw and pure feeling about the whole ordeal. When I ran it the first time, hearning the strange old-fashioned calliope/carnival music sort of made my heart warm a little (as dorky as that sounds!) The games look cool! They look weird, abstract, Janky. The pacman clone makes you laugh. The.. character game makes you.. scratch your head (game design was just in different places in those days). Scramble is as cool as ever. The little space invaders, Asteroids, and Missile Command knockoffs all look, sound, and play great. The pole position game is just like too cute for words, I guess. (trust me, it's cute with the little powerlines and trees and crape). Okay maybe that was Hyper Chase. You get the picture.
The Vector display is something else - you turn the thing on (it's a circular knob, how is that for quaint?)and the thing hums at you. The tube glows strangely, like a great-grandparents' TV would.. it looks odd, but still very neat. A lot of games use these small tiny specks (for stars, bullets, whatever) that just look like glowing bits of too-bright magnesium. It really looks unlike anything else you see in gaming, that's for sure...
Overall the thing is supercool. I wouldn't say I was "glued to it," it's nice to have it here (though it is really just more clutter) but the design and aesthetic from the top-down just makes me feel at home with my roots (my roots-roots!) you know? If anything, it frustrates me because now I want someone to make a similar little desktop MAME cabinet, or something, so I can go even further with it. Wait don't I have a GP32 alrready?
Friday, March 14, 2008
the news is what's news
Lots going on in the world right now.
1. Alpha Protocol, Obsidian's latest project, was announced in the current Game Informer Issue. I guess I can finally update my resume. That's what I have been working on for awhile..
2. Frontlines: Fuel of War released (at last!), the game I turned down for AP. Watching it like a hawk, and I replayed the SP demo, it's fun!
3. Ebay has been xmas for me lately. I have got a lot of goods out of there lately - a couple of Sega 32X games (yeah, really!), a Vectrex circa 1983, a Turbografx-16 CDRom unit (one that works, actually) and an upgraded system card for the unit ("to play Dracula-X"). I will write about these things in short order, haven't spent much (or any) time with any of this stuff since work's been rather hectic. In light of the vectrex, I'll say this - it's weird, which is cool! I set it up next to my monitor at the office, so I get a lot of confused stares these days (more so than usual). Anyway, all I need otherwise is a Gamecube Pad and then I am done shopping online for awhile, I believe.. something tells me that those cannot be too hard to find..
Short entry, but things are quiet right now. More to come soon - I am anxious for the weekend!
1. Alpha Protocol, Obsidian's latest project, was announced in the current Game Informer Issue. I guess I can finally update my resume. That's what I have been working on for awhile..
2. Frontlines: Fuel of War released (at last!), the game I turned down for AP. Watching it like a hawk, and I replayed the SP demo, it's fun!
3. Ebay has been xmas for me lately. I have got a lot of goods out of there lately - a couple of Sega 32X games (yeah, really!), a Vectrex circa 1983, a Turbografx-16 CDRom unit (one that works, actually) and an upgraded system card for the unit ("to play Dracula-X"). I will write about these things in short order, haven't spent much (or any) time with any of this stuff since work's been rather hectic. In light of the vectrex, I'll say this - it's weird, which is cool! I set it up next to my monitor at the office, so I get a lot of confused stares these days (more so than usual). Anyway, all I need otherwise is a Gamecube Pad and then I am done shopping online for awhile, I believe.. something tells me that those cannot be too hard to find..
Short entry, but things are quiet right now. More to come soon - I am anxious for the weekend!
Sunday, March 09, 2008
games are boring
.. just like the title says. Post-Holiday season means cooling down, and overall I gotta say it feels pretty "blah" overall in videogameland. Smash Bros is just out, and yeah there's the usual expectations of good times from the new Metal Gear and GTA installments due soon.. but man, if you're me, not any of those does much to tickle the pickle. Where's the new, unheard-of experiences in gaming which are alas being heralded about, then? Trapped in a time capsule or wha? Well, far be it from me to dip into that well, so I might as well tread laterally..
I have a nice backlog of games to work through, though by my mood you can tell I am not too terribly psyched to work my way through them. I think it's time for a vacation from videogaming, or something. On the other end of the world, I booted up RC Pro-Am for the NES in what must have been the first time in at least half-a-decade, memories of struggle rushed forward but that game is still a pleasure, I got to say. I am turning into my Dad "everything from the past is better than anything made since!" Ok it isn't that bad (feels like it sometimes!) I am just a fuddy-duddy I guess.
I am waiting for my vectrex to show up in the mail still, likewise Turbografx CD Rom (man, can you believe I actually write about this stuff AND have a girlfriend.. and she isn't even fat or gross? Well maybe as she gets older, I suppose.) I feel like I have been on an ebay shopping spree lately, as one gets older and has slightly more disposable income, online auctions are definitely a dangerous place to hang out. Anyway that's pretty much all that's got my eye right now. I've a mind to throw some roms on the GP32 and give them a spin, but that thing's aged and it's experience sits not too wonderfully in my memory (this is a very spoiled brat gamer typing here, damn you gameboy micro). They were on route to put out a very gameboy-micro-looking device, those GP32 people, but as with many of their projects it seems to have got sucked up into a fuselage somewhere along the line. This is the part where I waste 20 minutes and look around, fruitlessly, for any more info on the thing (I would still buy one of those in a heartbeat, mind you!) My gameboy micro is easily the most used/most enjoyed gaming platform I own, for a few obvious reasons - most people would like to slap me upside the head and tell me to get a goddamned DS, I am sure. Buy me one if you like, I still won't play it that much I am sure (though I can't argue there's tons of great games on it).
Anyway, enough about my nerdish habits, it's time to rant about my nerdish job. Things are going along alright at work, at this point I am a year in with comfortably intimatizing myself with the unreal 3 editor. It's got some awful sticking points that, I guess, I have gotten pretty used to by now (but why, oh WHY?) - though so long as one is coordinated/thoughtful enough, it's more than useful and powerful. I think I would enjoy taking some downtime to mess with it, at this stage - and likewise, to get way familiar with a lot of other apps/tools that I "should" be more proficient with, 'cause sometimes I just feel like a damned dinosaur. I watch my coworkers bat stuff out, and the way the work - it makes me scratch my head a little "why don't I use those methods?" At this point it's easier to work in my old-fashoned ways to properly get things done, than to try and learn all these weird different abstract approaches to get to the same place (although, they seem much more efficient and faster). At least I don't feel like my eye has suffered much (well.. except perhaps becoming a bit too exacting for my own good).
I am coming up quickly on my one-year anniversary of employment with the curret studio. One year already! Doens't sound like much, but if one looks at my resume, they'll see that one year is by no means not a SHORT duration for me, historically and relatively, to be with a single company. I guess, roughly, the average length of time I've got by now, overall, is something like 1.35 yrs/job. Something like that - doesn't sound too good. But again, considering this industry, and the track record of so many of my peers, I would venture to guess that it's not too far away from the normal. Ah well, so long as I kkeep doing something, then c'est la vie.
I have a nice backlog of games to work through, though by my mood you can tell I am not too terribly psyched to work my way through them. I think it's time for a vacation from videogaming, or something. On the other end of the world, I booted up RC Pro-Am for the NES in what must have been the first time in at least half-a-decade, memories of struggle rushed forward but that game is still a pleasure, I got to say. I am turning into my Dad "everything from the past is better than anything made since!" Ok it isn't that bad (feels like it sometimes!) I am just a fuddy-duddy I guess.
I am waiting for my vectrex to show up in the mail still, likewise Turbografx CD Rom (man, can you believe I actually write about this stuff AND have a girlfriend.. and she isn't even fat or gross? Well maybe as she gets older, I suppose.) I feel like I have been on an ebay shopping spree lately, as one gets older and has slightly more disposable income, online auctions are definitely a dangerous place to hang out. Anyway that's pretty much all that's got my eye right now. I've a mind to throw some roms on the GP32 and give them a spin, but that thing's aged and it's experience sits not too wonderfully in my memory (this is a very spoiled brat gamer typing here, damn you gameboy micro). They were on route to put out a very gameboy-micro-looking device, those GP32 people, but as with many of their projects it seems to have got sucked up into a fuselage somewhere along the line. This is the part where I waste 20 minutes and look around, fruitlessly, for any more info on the thing (I would still buy one of those in a heartbeat, mind you!) My gameboy micro is easily the most used/most enjoyed gaming platform I own, for a few obvious reasons - most people would like to slap me upside the head and tell me to get a goddamned DS, I am sure. Buy me one if you like, I still won't play it that much I am sure (though I can't argue there's tons of great games on it).
Anyway, enough about my nerdish habits, it's time to rant about my nerdish job. Things are going along alright at work, at this point I am a year in with comfortably intimatizing myself with the unreal 3 editor. It's got some awful sticking points that, I guess, I have gotten pretty used to by now (but why, oh WHY?) - though so long as one is coordinated/thoughtful enough, it's more than useful and powerful. I think I would enjoy taking some downtime to mess with it, at this stage - and likewise, to get way familiar with a lot of other apps/tools that I "should" be more proficient with, 'cause sometimes I just feel like a damned dinosaur. I watch my coworkers bat stuff out, and the way the work - it makes me scratch my head a little "why don't I use those methods?" At this point it's easier to work in my old-fashoned ways to properly get things done, than to try and learn all these weird different abstract approaches to get to the same place (although, they seem much more efficient and faster). At least I don't feel like my eye has suffered much (well.. except perhaps becoming a bit too exacting for my own good).
I am coming up quickly on my one-year anniversary of employment with the curret studio. One year already! Doens't sound like much, but if one looks at my resume, they'll see that one year is by no means not a SHORT duration for me, historically and relatively, to be with a single company. I guess, roughly, the average length of time I've got by now, overall, is something like 1.35 yrs/job. Something like that - doesn't sound too good. But again, considering this industry, and the track record of so many of my peers, I would venture to guess that it's not too far away from the normal. Ah well, so long as I kkeep doing something, then c'est la vie.
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
hate you xbox.
DISC ERROR. DISC ERROR.
my girlfriend bought me rockband for my b-day last month. seriouslythat box is bigger (and heavier) than she is. anyway easily it's the most-played game on my xobx (aside from Pacman, but that's a DL). Anyway not even a month in and the thing won't read. Will not read! "wipe the disc with a damp cloth" it tells me. I take it out and look at it - a little scratched, like these little circular scrapey-scratches as if a certain xbox tray busted it up a little. i wiped and wiped some more but the thing is mostly more and more useless. sigh. I know, i know.. life is tough. homeless people are dying in the street, starving.. little kittens are being raped by the millions every day, I know I know. I just want to hit my drums. i am just whinin'. Xbox is a big piece of malware alright? Hopefully I will not have to replace more than once (rockband), and hopefully no other games will get eaten. Otherwise I am going to make some homeless guy happy with his own brand new slightly busted xbox 360.
shoot. PS3 works.
my girlfriend bought me rockband for my b-day last month. seriouslythat box is bigger (and heavier) than she is. anyway easily it's the most-played game on my xobx (aside from Pacman, but that's a DL). Anyway not even a month in and the thing won't read. Will not read! "wipe the disc with a damp cloth" it tells me. I take it out and look at it - a little scratched, like these little circular scrapey-scratches as if a certain xbox tray busted it up a little. i wiped and wiped some more but the thing is mostly more and more useless. sigh. I know, i know.. life is tough. homeless people are dying in the street, starving.. little kittens are being raped by the millions every day, I know I know. I just want to hit my drums. i am just whinin'. Xbox is a big piece of malware alright? Hopefully I will not have to replace more than once (rockband), and hopefully no other games will get eaten. Otherwise I am going to make some homeless guy happy with his own brand new slightly busted xbox 360.
shoot. PS3 works.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
all kinds of alcohol
the wee hours are what they are now, but i seem to not feel very tired, so a brief donation to the blog fund before i try to hit the hay for some brief, although welcome, sleep...
quiet in videogame land, I took a look at our company's other big project the other day (if you're paying any kind of attention, you know what it is) - I hadn't looked at the thin in a good several months. let me just say = very impressed! Coming along nicely, as mentioned earlier I'd love to get on that team - time will tell. As for my own project, it is coming along. I have been making things shiny, lately..
I played through the rest of Uncharted:Drake's Fortune over the weekend (yes Normal difficulty, I am not a bad-ass!). In conclusion,t he game was very good - I am glad I played! I have a lot of respect for the folks who put that project together, it was an excellent job. I have to say my least favorite parts were the quick-time bullshit (it's been belittled by me before) - thankfully there was not an abundance of it. Still it did kind of take a good bit away from what would otherwise have been a more enjoyable final scene. Too bad! Anyway if you've a PS3, I heartily recommend the game - though you should rent it, it's not worth owning (unless you want to support the publisher, of course). It brings up something worth mentioning - games like this, they have little replay value if you're me. I mean, they spend all this time and energy and cash developing this wonderfully linear experience, after which I've no inclination to play through on a harder difficulty. There's extra treasures to find, but so what - collectathons are the bane of gaming's existence, well one of 'em. And of course the game doesn't feature any kind of branching storylines, so what else is left? All fo that is fine, but it hits me over the head - stick in some kind of multiplayer mode! Even if it is local, just do something. You've got this great engine, multi-purpose (adventure platforming, shooting w/ cover, and of course the drving/ski-doo sections) --> I wish they could have taken at least an extra six months and thrown some backend onto the thing. Or at least thrown another level of manpower at it. I know, being on the inside "that's a HUGE pain inthe ass, start of a new generation," etc etc - but it's something that's kind of taken for granted with all your Halos and Gears of Warses out there. If anything, it will make the game much more of a must-buy, instead of a might-rent. I suppose it will be sometime before that becomes more of the norm, yet - wait for your honest-to-godness multiplayer Mario and Zelda, you know? (Keep waiting)
Yeah, listen up Sony, I have a head full of half-decent ideas for you folks. Don't get me started on the Youtube thing, that could be PERFECT!
Anyway, I have a decent backlog of games to get to. Bioshock is sitting in my bag, I have played through a bit of it (I forget where i left off, I think the first big daddy sort of kicked my ass - or close to it). I haven't really played enough of the game to feel a huge pull from it. It is intriguing, but as I have mentioned earlier "I get the point." I guess I am kinda tired of hearing about it in the media though (enough already!) I mean, good to know they are making games like that, but still, go a little further, c'mon. Yeah, I say this in the same breath as championing Uncharted, which is about as cliche as one can get (did i mention, kinda too easy?), but in some ways that's really apples and oranges.
Busy times in Industry News, what with the latest madness being EA trying to gobble up Take2 (including Rockstar, of course). Sigh. Dominance War. This stuff perturbs me, I would already have gone on a decent rant about the Microsoft/Yahoo thing but this hits slightly closer to home. I don't know what to say, other than I am sort of apathetic about it. But mostly I dread the eventual "one console future" which is accelerating from the moves of these behemoths. Where does this leave the little guys, like.. me?
My next expectation, someone will make a grand bid for Bethesda. Maybe Epic or Valve as well. Next 12 months? 24?
Frontlines:Fuel of War released for 360 (and PC?) this past Monday. This was a title I came close to working on, but I turned it down for Project:Georgia instead. Of course with my morbid curiosity I have been keeping an eye on it, it looks like Call Of Duty did a sizable job of rewriting the FPS book as this game's out of the gate and looks a little weary - let's see how it handles. I am thinking another casualty of Unreal, for starters, but let's see if it picks up (hey, all is fair game until GTA IV hits the streets...soon). Good luck guys!
I have a weird feeling like I sort of hope GTA IV doesn't end up kicking too much ass - like, that it feels tired by now. Not my type of game, but the sandboxes never have been really.. and it's a genre I'd love to see get a major kicking-and-screaming overhaul, not just an aesthetic upgrade. I can't fault those guys too much, I mean Rockstar takes first place when it comes to following those games up with guaranteed quality. I just want to see the audience demand more. Something different, something interesting. I guess we have enough time in this whole generation to still be graphics whores, though..
Waiting on the mail. I have a Vectrex out there, also the Turbografx-CD (I believe the sought-after system card finally arrived, cost me a hundred clams plus shippin, owww!) Yeah and I don't even know if this thing will work properly. If it's not what I expect, i will sell it back and just go through the Xbox (hey, it's good for somethin').. but it'd be neat if it just worked the way I WANTED it to. Sometimes that actualy happens, somehow...
quiet in videogame land, I took a look at our company's other big project the other day (if you're paying any kind of attention, you know what it is) - I hadn't looked at the thin in a good several months. let me just say = very impressed! Coming along nicely, as mentioned earlier I'd love to get on that team - time will tell. As for my own project, it is coming along. I have been making things shiny, lately..
I played through the rest of Uncharted:Drake's Fortune over the weekend (yes Normal difficulty, I am not a bad-ass!). In conclusion,t he game was very good - I am glad I played! I have a lot of respect for the folks who put that project together, it was an excellent job. I have to say my least favorite parts were the quick-time bullshit (it's been belittled by me before) - thankfully there was not an abundance of it. Still it did kind of take a good bit away from what would otherwise have been a more enjoyable final scene. Too bad! Anyway if you've a PS3, I heartily recommend the game - though you should rent it, it's not worth owning (unless you want to support the publisher, of course). It brings up something worth mentioning - games like this, they have little replay value if you're me. I mean, they spend all this time and energy and cash developing this wonderfully linear experience, after which I've no inclination to play through on a harder difficulty. There's extra treasures to find, but so what - collectathons are the bane of gaming's existence, well one of 'em. And of course the game doesn't feature any kind of branching storylines, so what else is left? All fo that is fine, but it hits me over the head - stick in some kind of multiplayer mode! Even if it is local, just do something. You've got this great engine, multi-purpose (adventure platforming, shooting w/ cover, and of course the drving/ski-doo sections) --> I wish they could have taken at least an extra six months and thrown some backend onto the thing. Or at least thrown another level of manpower at it. I know, being on the inside "that's a HUGE pain inthe ass, start of a new generation," etc etc - but it's something that's kind of taken for granted with all your Halos and Gears of Warses out there. If anything, it will make the game much more of a must-buy, instead of a might-rent. I suppose it will be sometime before that becomes more of the norm, yet - wait for your honest-to-godness multiplayer Mario and Zelda, you know? (Keep waiting)
Yeah, listen up Sony, I have a head full of half-decent ideas for you folks. Don't get me started on the Youtube thing, that could be PERFECT!
Anyway, I have a decent backlog of games to get to. Bioshock is sitting in my bag, I have played through a bit of it (I forget where i left off, I think the first big daddy sort of kicked my ass - or close to it). I haven't really played enough of the game to feel a huge pull from it. It is intriguing, but as I have mentioned earlier "I get the point." I guess I am kinda tired of hearing about it in the media though (enough already!) I mean, good to know they are making games like that, but still, go a little further, c'mon. Yeah, I say this in the same breath as championing Uncharted, which is about as cliche as one can get (did i mention, kinda too easy?), but in some ways that's really apples and oranges.
Busy times in Industry News, what with the latest madness being EA trying to gobble up Take2 (including Rockstar, of course). Sigh. Dominance War. This stuff perturbs me, I would already have gone on a decent rant about the Microsoft/Yahoo thing but this hits slightly closer to home. I don't know what to say, other than I am sort of apathetic about it. But mostly I dread the eventual "one console future" which is accelerating from the moves of these behemoths. Where does this leave the little guys, like.. me?
My next expectation, someone will make a grand bid for Bethesda. Maybe Epic or Valve as well. Next 12 months? 24?
Frontlines:Fuel of War released for 360 (and PC?) this past Monday. This was a title I came close to working on, but I turned it down for Project:Georgia instead. Of course with my morbid curiosity I have been keeping an eye on it, it looks like Call Of Duty did a sizable job of rewriting the FPS book as this game's out of the gate and looks a little weary - let's see how it handles. I am thinking another casualty of Unreal, for starters, but let's see if it picks up (hey, all is fair game until GTA IV hits the streets...soon). Good luck guys!
I have a weird feeling like I sort of hope GTA IV doesn't end up kicking too much ass - like, that it feels tired by now. Not my type of game, but the sandboxes never have been really.. and it's a genre I'd love to see get a major kicking-and-screaming overhaul, not just an aesthetic upgrade. I can't fault those guys too much, I mean Rockstar takes first place when it comes to following those games up with guaranteed quality. I just want to see the audience demand more. Something different, something interesting. I guess we have enough time in this whole generation to still be graphics whores, though..
Waiting on the mail. I have a Vectrex out there, also the Turbografx-CD (I believe the sought-after system card finally arrived, cost me a hundred clams plus shippin, owww!) Yeah and I don't even know if this thing will work properly. If it's not what I expect, i will sell it back and just go through the Xbox (hey, it's good for somethin').. but it'd be neat if it just worked the way I WANTED it to. Sometimes that actualy happens, somehow...
Thursday, February 21, 2008
off the charts
yeah, cheesy i know. So i have been playing Uncharted (PS3) the past few days. My initial impression of it (boring, me-too game) was a little raised higher after looking at the demo, as noted - anyway I borrowed the disc from work and have been playing thru it. i am not sure how far I am into the game (a couple of hours?), but I am definitely enjoying it - it is addicting! Certainly not what you'd call a groundbreaking game, by any stretch, but it is fun, the story is enjoyable to witness as it unfolds - and the graphics are downright GORGEOUS, man. I am sad to see that the title came out during such a busy season, and seems to have got lost in the hoopla. It's absolutely a deserving game. Sigh, if it had only released a whole year earlier, right?
I managed to finish off Portal over the weekend. Such an impressive game! Not usually my cup of tea, but this one hit the spot, that's for sure (there's a joke in there somewhere). Those folks did a marvelous job, I am tempted to download the primitive predecessor (Narbacular Drop - or whatever it is called!) I played around with the 2D flash version of the game today, it was an entertaining diversion as well.
Lots of games have come into my life lately, I have been on a massive ebay kick. I will list them as I go through them I suppose, but I am particularly interested in checking out the old Yakuza PS2 game that arrived a few days ago. Oh well, after Uncharted, I suppose. Of more important note, I tracked down a working (so they say!) Turbografx-CD player. It's in the mail, eventually. I payed more for it than I'd have liked, not too terribly much more but even so.. and I still need to get the proper system card (I have 2.0, but need 3.0 to play castlevania + etc). Those look a little pricey as well. We'll see. The good part is, i can likely sell it back for close to what I paid for it, if I ever decide to (well.. to a point? Maybe?) Also I finally caved and ponied up for a vectrex (hint: don't ebay while drunk!) Provided it's in good shape, I think that'll definitely be worth it. I like unique/weird things. One thing is for sure, my spree is over after that!
I managed to finish off Portal over the weekend. Such an impressive game! Not usually my cup of tea, but this one hit the spot, that's for sure (there's a joke in there somewhere). Those folks did a marvelous job, I am tempted to download the primitive predecessor (Narbacular Drop - or whatever it is called!) I played around with the 2D flash version of the game today, it was an entertaining diversion as well.
Lots of games have come into my life lately, I have been on a massive ebay kick. I will list them as I go through them I suppose, but I am particularly interested in checking out the old Yakuza PS2 game that arrived a few days ago. Oh well, after Uncharted, I suppose. Of more important note, I tracked down a working (so they say!) Turbografx-CD player. It's in the mail, eventually. I payed more for it than I'd have liked, not too terribly much more but even so.. and I still need to get the proper system card (I have 2.0, but need 3.0 to play castlevania + etc). Those look a little pricey as well. We'll see. The good part is, i can likely sell it back for close to what I paid for it, if I ever decide to (well.. to a point? Maybe?) Also I finally caved and ponied up for a vectrex (hint: don't ebay while drunk!) Provided it's in good shape, I think that'll definitely be worth it. I like unique/weird things. One thing is for sure, my spree is over after that!
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
mettle trakter
doofus wha's new? not much really, why do you ask. 3:30am, I am succumbing to the usual habit of wasting my hours away in the late-late-late parts of the night, doing silly useless things while the rest of the world sleeps (or, wakes up). The urge to pontificate takes hold and so i do, for a moment.
My birthday was recently, it makes me shudder to acknowledge my older-ness. Oh well. To (most of) my past girlfriends, it makes me shudder MORE to think of how much older that means all of YOU have become.. hahaha! As for the current one, well she is younger than me (yeah... still). So she is safe, for now. As long as she understands that once she hits the big three oh, she's out the door and replaced with a new model. Hey I need to keep trendy, you know. My CAREER - my LIVELIHOOD depends on it. Sorry sweetheart - we'll always have Irvine!
Anyway, things are okay. Life plods on, uncontrollably. Like a three-ton Sherman Tank ratcheting slowly thru the marshes of Time, dandelions and pollywogs being shredded beneath the teeth of its massive indestructible, unforgiving treads - big, stupid, aimless, pointless and heartless. Man, I love using the tank as a metaphor. That's like three skips away from the end of all metaphors.
Work is alright. It's getting on a year, for me, working at Obsidian. A year is usually a semi-big deal in my eyes, to be trumped only by the uber-important TWO-YEAR MARK. When will that happen? It's been so long, friends, so long.. let's not linger on it. Anyway perhaps this will be the year to break the curse. We will see. Check back with me in (ulp) '09.
Weather is sweet right now. It's been cold, somewhat dramatically so - not unbearable by a longshot, mind you, but definitely it made you think it was winter! Still, tis IS california we are talkin' about. Anyway the past several days have been dreamy good, and though I did not mind the cold, I do welcome the suddenly early spring weather. Whether or not that's due to stay, I don't know either (many things, I don't know...) but it's nice for what it is, right now. So long as it doesn't pick up with the (usually scheduled) rainy season - which, would be beneficial, actually, since that helps prevent crazy huge Coastal Fires, but in so doing they make my leaky roof drip. Anyway, things I have no say in anyway.
Trying to save money. With the new year, then my birthday, then a vegas trip, and a night out here, there, etc with the amigos, it's been hitting my pocketbook. I have been trying to cut back (stay in all weekend! don't go out tues night anymore!) and yes of course it's hard, but I am fighting. Started stocking my fridge at work with lunchmeat, sounds lame I know but saves so much money (@ $10/week for food, as opposed to .. @$50???) Something. That stuff adds up, mans...
Well, we'll see how long I last. Work's getting stressful kinda, lately. I WILL SURVIVE...
'night, all.
My birthday was recently, it makes me shudder to acknowledge my older-ness. Oh well. To (most of) my past girlfriends, it makes me shudder MORE to think of how much older that means all of YOU have become.. hahaha! As for the current one, well she is younger than me (yeah... still). So she is safe, for now. As long as she understands that once she hits the big three oh, she's out the door and replaced with a new model. Hey I need to keep trendy, you know. My CAREER - my LIVELIHOOD depends on it. Sorry sweetheart - we'll always have Irvine!
Anyway, things are okay. Life plods on, uncontrollably. Like a three-ton Sherman Tank ratcheting slowly thru the marshes of Time, dandelions and pollywogs being shredded beneath the teeth of its massive indestructible, unforgiving treads - big, stupid, aimless, pointless and heartless. Man, I love using the tank as a metaphor. That's like three skips away from the end of all metaphors.
Work is alright. It's getting on a year, for me, working at Obsidian. A year is usually a semi-big deal in my eyes, to be trumped only by the uber-important TWO-YEAR MARK. When will that happen? It's been so long, friends, so long.. let's not linger on it. Anyway perhaps this will be the year to break the curse. We will see. Check back with me in (ulp) '09.
Weather is sweet right now. It's been cold, somewhat dramatically so - not unbearable by a longshot, mind you, but definitely it made you think it was winter! Still, tis IS california we are talkin' about. Anyway the past several days have been dreamy good, and though I did not mind the cold, I do welcome the suddenly early spring weather. Whether or not that's due to stay, I don't know either (many things, I don't know...) but it's nice for what it is, right now. So long as it doesn't pick up with the (usually scheduled) rainy season - which, would be beneficial, actually, since that helps prevent crazy huge Coastal Fires, but in so doing they make my leaky roof drip. Anyway, things I have no say in anyway.
Trying to save money. With the new year, then my birthday, then a vegas trip, and a night out here, there, etc with the amigos, it's been hitting my pocketbook. I have been trying to cut back (stay in all weekend! don't go out tues night anymore!) and yes of course it's hard, but I am fighting. Started stocking my fridge at work with lunchmeat, sounds lame I know but saves so much money (@ $10/week for food, as opposed to .. @$50???) Something. That stuff adds up, mans...
Well, we'll see how long I last. Work's getting stressful kinda, lately. I WILL SURVIVE...
'night, all.
Friday, February 08, 2008
all is quiet
..on the videogame front. As it is a new year (well, just a little bit past...) I think i am going to try out a different format with this blog. I prefer to write only occasionally, and so when I do it turns into a long drawn-out semi-readable ramble. I think I will switch to shorter bursts of higher frequency. Let's see how it goes.
Not much is up in my Gaming Life.. is that an oxymoron? I somewhat regularly scour ebay for interesting deals, there's plenty of games out there that I wish to get my hands on (and so many of them are practically pennies cheap). Today I won an auction for Oddworld:Stranger's Wrath on Xbox for less than $10. Probably could have found it for half that price, I know! The series has never really tempted me too much (though it's got much acclaim), but I've heard much good spoken of this and as it's the studios' swan-song, I figured it could not hurt to have a look. Also I am stalking Metal Arms for Xbox (I have the PS2 port, but the "real" version feels much more worthy of a look) - I worked on that title, albeit very briefly. I want to pick up PS2 Yakuza as well, perhaps Xbox Dragon's Lair (I know, "whyyyyy?") Those Taito Memories discs would be cool too, I've not really looked for them yet. As there's a Wii in the house, there's plenty of Gamecube titles I would like to pursue. I could probably spend a lot less than $100 and get a nice haul and be done with it (I barely every played any Gamecube games - at all!), importantly I need to find that wireless Wavebird Controller. Those are tough to find, cheap - I might just chill out and get a regular GC wired controller to pass the time, until then I can't really play most GC games at all (not compatible with the Wiimote, and I haven't a classic controller - nor plans to buy one). High on my list is a Turbografx-CD, the actual player itself - the one I have is busted useless, and I'd love to be gaming with that thing! I love the Japanese CD-Rom games from that period, much more so than what we have now, really..
Not playing too much lately. We plugged in No More Heroes at the office, I might have to pick it up (to be supportive at least - that, and the game is hilarious and well-stylish). Still looks kind of boring though, where are the FUN games man? I am tempted to get my hands on Uncharted as well, I have spoke of it before and I think it's likely worthwhile - not really wanting to shell out for it, I think we have an office copy that I could sign up for. Still want to play Portal at some point..
Otherwise, it's just Rock Band. My girlfriend picked it up for me for my birthday (yah, I am spoiled!) It's just a fun party game, really. Usually only a singer, I have finally started messing with the drums (still haven't touched the guitar yet). It's fun, takes getting used to. It is fun to hit stuff, what can I say. Beyond playing the easy level, I can't hold my own - it still feels kind of weird. This game is amazing with the downloadable content, those guys are sitting on a goldmine and they know it. I am interested to see what else will come down the pipe. It is so funny to me how this has become some kind of a big cultural landmark, in some ways. Really funny... Otherwise, I downloaded Pixeljunk Monsters over on PS3. After looking at the demo of Pixeljunk Racers, I was pretty sure anything with that name attached to it would be horrid - but this game has got a lot of nice press, and they had it on a special sale (8 bucks I think) so, why not. Messed with it for a little while, I guess not long enough for it to "grab" me, but it wasn't horrid.. not yet.. I will give it some more time. My fave DL is still Pacman...!
Work is going alright, I told my boss I want to move over to the Aliens project when it's appropriate. I am still pretty psyched to get over there.. I have much to say about my current project as well (ohh.. I could start a separate blog all about that!) but as usual, NDA so I must keep my mouth shut.
The game scene is so mellow these days, quiet after the holidays. The world eagerly anticipates Smash Bros. and Wii Fit, at least - not much else on the horizon. PS3 Home? Does anybody care? I hear murmurs of 2008 being even wilder than 2007, but I would not believe that could be possible, no matter what! Last year was craziness. There's definitely more crazy times ahead, but I think we have a lot of room until it picks up. I say at least 2 years until things start truly lighting up again, but hey - prove me wrong!
Not much is up in my Gaming Life.. is that an oxymoron? I somewhat regularly scour ebay for interesting deals, there's plenty of games out there that I wish to get my hands on (and so many of them are practically pennies cheap). Today I won an auction for Oddworld:Stranger's Wrath on Xbox for less than $10. Probably could have found it for half that price, I know! The series has never really tempted me too much (though it's got much acclaim), but I've heard much good spoken of this and as it's the studios' swan-song, I figured it could not hurt to have a look. Also I am stalking Metal Arms for Xbox (I have the PS2 port, but the "real" version feels much more worthy of a look) - I worked on that title, albeit very briefly. I want to pick up PS2 Yakuza as well, perhaps Xbox Dragon's Lair (I know, "whyyyyy?") Those Taito Memories discs would be cool too, I've not really looked for them yet. As there's a Wii in the house, there's plenty of Gamecube titles I would like to pursue. I could probably spend a lot less than $100 and get a nice haul and be done with it (I barely every played any Gamecube games - at all!), importantly I need to find that wireless Wavebird Controller. Those are tough to find, cheap - I might just chill out and get a regular GC wired controller to pass the time, until then I can't really play most GC games at all (not compatible with the Wiimote, and I haven't a classic controller - nor plans to buy one). High on my list is a Turbografx-CD, the actual player itself - the one I have is busted useless, and I'd love to be gaming with that thing! I love the Japanese CD-Rom games from that period, much more so than what we have now, really..
Not playing too much lately. We plugged in No More Heroes at the office, I might have to pick it up (to be supportive at least - that, and the game is hilarious and well-stylish). Still looks kind of boring though, where are the FUN games man? I am tempted to get my hands on Uncharted as well, I have spoke of it before and I think it's likely worthwhile - not really wanting to shell out for it, I think we have an office copy that I could sign up for. Still want to play Portal at some point..
Otherwise, it's just Rock Band. My girlfriend picked it up for me for my birthday (yah, I am spoiled!) It's just a fun party game, really. Usually only a singer, I have finally started messing with the drums (still haven't touched the guitar yet). It's fun, takes getting used to. It is fun to hit stuff, what can I say. Beyond playing the easy level, I can't hold my own - it still feels kind of weird. This game is amazing with the downloadable content, those guys are sitting on a goldmine and they know it. I am interested to see what else will come down the pipe. It is so funny to me how this has become some kind of a big cultural landmark, in some ways. Really funny... Otherwise, I downloaded Pixeljunk Monsters over on PS3. After looking at the demo of Pixeljunk Racers, I was pretty sure anything with that name attached to it would be horrid - but this game has got a lot of nice press, and they had it on a special sale (8 bucks I think) so, why not. Messed with it for a little while, I guess not long enough for it to "grab" me, but it wasn't horrid.. not yet.. I will give it some more time. My fave DL is still Pacman...!
Work is going alright, I told my boss I want to move over to the Aliens project when it's appropriate. I am still pretty psyched to get over there.. I have much to say about my current project as well (ohh.. I could start a separate blog all about that!) but as usual, NDA so I must keep my mouth shut.
The game scene is so mellow these days, quiet after the holidays. The world eagerly anticipates Smash Bros. and Wii Fit, at least - not much else on the horizon. PS3 Home? Does anybody care? I hear murmurs of 2008 being even wilder than 2007, but I would not believe that could be possible, no matter what! Last year was craziness. There's definitely more crazy times ahead, but I think we have a lot of room until it picks up. I say at least 2 years until things start truly lighting up again, but hey - prove me wrong!
Thursday, January 31, 2008
curator of the indignant
what's up blogerino's? so does anybody actually read this thing anymore anyway? i used to write in here and see hits pop up on the counter - still do, but it is erratic. besides, i don't think i know what it means (is it actual people? web spiders? etc) No matter. Just curious.
Lots of things on my mind lately. I have had a whole catalog of things to put down in here, but honestly, a lot of it sees to be spilling out of the sides of my head lately - it doesn't matter, as I will always find a way to ramble semi-coherently anyway, I just wish I was better at actually capturing my more thought-provoking points. I suppose it's not terribly relevant at the end of the day.
Things are alright. As usual I'd love to rant about work in here (I'm quite adept at that - isn't everyone?) but for the obvious reasons I will refrain. Suffice it to say work's chugging along as usual, everyone is getting along. Some things are annoying, others are fine. I am happy to keep things going status quo, I suppose. Today I mentioned to my boss how I would love to be put on the other project - after all, it's the reason I joined up with this outfit in the first place - so hopefully I will get to go over to the department in some months. Man! I wish I could start right now! Even so, fair enough, I;ll stare at the carrot awhile longer - I would be pretty excited to get onto that project! (I'd never come home.. haha) As I always say.. "we will see what happens."
Sitting at my desk at home, I ran home around 8PM - ate a salad, watched a somewhat shitty mini-documentary about the party Island of Ibiza (somewhat shitty, but not horrible.. haha). It did succeed in piquing my interest a little more, making me want to go there. It feels a little extraneous to consider that, i mean - i live in the party CITY of Hollywood, and it's already tropical "enough" here during enough months out of the year. Still if I was oozing a little money, an excursion would be nice. I am sure a place like that, and a guy like me - it would add up to a fair degree of exhaustion.
So, I feel old lately. Not terribly old, but it's getting up there. I know I write about this a bit much, but for me it is a big deal - -I sort of live in the lifestyle of someone 10 years my junior, or so, and in many ways that is an ideal setup for someone at that stage of life. But I am NOT there anymore! I will try to hold onto it for as long as I can, but I do feel like things are changing. I mean, physically, I can feel things starting to show signs of slowing down a little. Considering the amount of abuse I'll routinely put myself through, I suppose it's only a matter of time for things to start catching up with me.. and so then, I am earning it, or something. I feel really weird, though, I feel like the personality i have, and a lot of the way my life is setup, they match really well but something important - something I needed to get out of my system, yet something I can not ever really define - something got missed. I graze it still, I get little glimpses/feelings of "what I could have been," perhaps what I still could be. Well, I am still here, and I still indulge in the things that part of my personality seems to require - but it's half-assed. I am two things, two people. Not bipolar or something, it's just my id and my superego constantly giving little jibes to one another. I suppose if I gave completely into one or the other, I'd find myself either completely happy or altogether miserable - I've no idea. So I suppose that is why I keep on as I do. Ah well.
Complaining aside (don't worry, I'll always complain!) I know I feel weird as things move into this next phase and my struggles of the past seem to be less relevant. I am working at this studio nearly a year now, and it's feeling relatively secure (now that I have written it, of course it's gonna bite me in the ass!) Honestly, so many of the things in my life seem so figured out by now. Something I have always wanted for, and yet it feels very anticlimactic in a lot of ways. I fear that about life.. and everything. Danger is exciting? Does that need to be a question?
I was talking to a coworker today briefly, we were speaking about our (limited experience with) traveling. I feel ashamed to be the age I am at, and know that I've not even scratched the surface, at all, of seeing te guts of tis world. I travel a lot in my mind, you could say.. but I am quite the homebody, the workaholic. I relish my base. But now my world seems tiny. I think te last times I felt truly free were when I struck out and randomly threw myself out into the mercy of the Crazy World. I've barely done it - though I suppose I have done much more than so many other folks - but again, as I get older, I realize that my youthful energy for tackling such things is definitely slipping away, with each day's passage. I am molded into a workman's life, and I need ot have my home base - I am a material person, like it or not - but my supressed spirit wants to forget it all and go for broke. Bah -- it is all talk. I've traditionally had to be pulled away kicking and screaming. Not quite that bad, but enough that it's established a pattern.. unless something heavy is going down, then I am gonna be right here, bolted into my chair, letting the internet show me it's fucked-up version of the world.
I look at my life and my attitude and realize something about myself - I'll never blame anyone for this, it's just my own fault. I've talked to people who've had that get-up-and-go mentality before, and I suppose I have attempted it on a relatively minor scale. But it's my programming - I get older, I feel more "trapped," I worry about the consequences. I want to light a fire under my ass and just go and DO it and say damn the consequences, and examine so much more depth that way, but I can't reach that feeling, something is blocking.
I had a friend who said something crazy to me many years ago. He told me about doing acid way back in college, and it completely altered his perspective on everything. He had been sort of reserved ad uptight before that, and the drug sufficiently bent his perception enough that he realized his stubborn, small-minded bullshit was exactly that - it changed him irrevocably. I have never done such a thing, my experiences with drugs have never been any kind of noteworthy in such a manner (alcohol has always ben my drug of choice) and yet - during these times, I think of my friend's story. his relating it to me has stayed with me for years, just as the actual experience has stayed with him (though, to a much lower caliber, of course). I sort of wish I could just "flip a switch" in my head and put aside all the murky grainy weirdness that keeps me from going to that place he got to, the fantasy of it is somewhat reassuring.. like a release. But then reality sets in, and I realize the important fact - I am TOO OLD for that stuff, there was a time in my life when that might have been appropriate but at this point my cement is too dry, my experiences have too-ingrained into my actual personality. I can't really retreat to "a different self," or at least not that easily. I'm.. not sure what it is that I need to et to that next stage. It's not some pill, it's definitely not a bunch of booze (that's more of a sidestep!), it's DEFINITELY not also "keeping working and trying to make money..." Despite the ideals that are constantly preached to me. No, i don't know what it is, and I have no idea really what I need to do to find that next stage, so i will guess that as long as I keep on as I have been, I will tread water for awhile.
It's not really a worry for me, despite my tone. This knowledge keeps me young, after all - the thought that "the next stage," the step into whatever further level of maturity that awaits, has not yet come and doesn't seem to be approaching anytime soon (hmm, chalk that up to living in Hollywood, duh?) I feel like in spite of my neuroses, what doom I may speak, I know myself and my spontanaeity (oh hell, i don't know how to spell it) always sees to do something to inject just enough friction/interest/eccentricity into my life that it keeps me steered steadily on this ultimately satisfying (if frustrating) path I am on.
Late. Almost midnight. I should wrap this up soon.
Last night I had some long important involved dream.. I forget most of it. I think a big deal of it was that I was leaving LA, I think I decided to quit and get out of this place.. or at least, get out of what all was going on in my life. I got rid of everything I owned, except for my car (which was kind of a very small winnebago - sort of). I would plant the thing in the middle of a National Park Reserve, or something, and just live out alone on the land, hoping the rangers would leave me alone if it was off-season. My Dad came to visit me, in his business suit - also my friend Adam from Boston (he's never been to LA, interestingly). An odd pair, but the three of us were eating at a diner and the two of them bonded over talking about football. They were watching some Russian Catholic Football League (yeah, I know). It was a weird feeling to wake up this morning, out in the middle of that field with no more of my material possessions, just my car that I could hop in and drive anywhere, it made me feel free.
Lots of things on my mind lately. I have had a whole catalog of things to put down in here, but honestly, a lot of it sees to be spilling out of the sides of my head lately - it doesn't matter, as I will always find a way to ramble semi-coherently anyway, I just wish I was better at actually capturing my more thought-provoking points. I suppose it's not terribly relevant at the end of the day.
Things are alright. As usual I'd love to rant about work in here (I'm quite adept at that - isn't everyone?) but for the obvious reasons I will refrain. Suffice it to say work's chugging along as usual, everyone is getting along. Some things are annoying, others are fine. I am happy to keep things going status quo, I suppose. Today I mentioned to my boss how I would love to be put on the other project - after all, it's the reason I joined up with this outfit in the first place - so hopefully I will get to go over to the department in some months. Man! I wish I could start right now! Even so, fair enough, I;ll stare at the carrot awhile longer - I would be pretty excited to get onto that project! (I'd never come home.. haha) As I always say.. "we will see what happens."
Sitting at my desk at home, I ran home around 8PM - ate a salad, watched a somewhat shitty mini-documentary about the party Island of Ibiza (somewhat shitty, but not horrible.. haha). It did succeed in piquing my interest a little more, making me want to go there. It feels a little extraneous to consider that, i mean - i live in the party CITY of Hollywood, and it's already tropical "enough" here during enough months out of the year. Still if I was oozing a little money, an excursion would be nice. I am sure a place like that, and a guy like me - it would add up to a fair degree of exhaustion.
So, I feel old lately. Not terribly old, but it's getting up there. I know I write about this a bit much, but for me it is a big deal - -I sort of live in the lifestyle of someone 10 years my junior, or so, and in many ways that is an ideal setup for someone at that stage of life. But I am NOT there anymore! I will try to hold onto it for as long as I can, but I do feel like things are changing. I mean, physically, I can feel things starting to show signs of slowing down a little. Considering the amount of abuse I'll routinely put myself through, I suppose it's only a matter of time for things to start catching up with me.. and so then, I am earning it, or something. I feel really weird, though, I feel like the personality i have, and a lot of the way my life is setup, they match really well but something important - something I needed to get out of my system, yet something I can not ever really define - something got missed. I graze it still, I get little glimpses/feelings of "what I could have been," perhaps what I still could be. Well, I am still here, and I still indulge in the things that part of my personality seems to require - but it's half-assed. I am two things, two people. Not bipolar or something, it's just my id and my superego constantly giving little jibes to one another. I suppose if I gave completely into one or the other, I'd find myself either completely happy or altogether miserable - I've no idea. So I suppose that is why I keep on as I do. Ah well.
Complaining aside (don't worry, I'll always complain!) I know I feel weird as things move into this next phase and my struggles of the past seem to be less relevant. I am working at this studio nearly a year now, and it's feeling relatively secure (now that I have written it, of course it's gonna bite me in the ass!) Honestly, so many of the things in my life seem so figured out by now. Something I have always wanted for, and yet it feels very anticlimactic in a lot of ways. I fear that about life.. and everything. Danger is exciting? Does that need to be a question?
I was talking to a coworker today briefly, we were speaking about our (limited experience with) traveling. I feel ashamed to be the age I am at, and know that I've not even scratched the surface, at all, of seeing te guts of tis world. I travel a lot in my mind, you could say.. but I am quite the homebody, the workaholic. I relish my base. But now my world seems tiny. I think te last times I felt truly free were when I struck out and randomly threw myself out into the mercy of the Crazy World. I've barely done it - though I suppose I have done much more than so many other folks - but again, as I get older, I realize that my youthful energy for tackling such things is definitely slipping away, with each day's passage. I am molded into a workman's life, and I need ot have my home base - I am a material person, like it or not - but my supressed spirit wants to forget it all and go for broke. Bah -- it is all talk. I've traditionally had to be pulled away kicking and screaming. Not quite that bad, but enough that it's established a pattern.. unless something heavy is going down, then I am gonna be right here, bolted into my chair, letting the internet show me it's fucked-up version of the world.
I look at my life and my attitude and realize something about myself - I'll never blame anyone for this, it's just my own fault. I've talked to people who've had that get-up-and-go mentality before, and I suppose I have attempted it on a relatively minor scale. But it's my programming - I get older, I feel more "trapped," I worry about the consequences. I want to light a fire under my ass and just go and DO it and say damn the consequences, and examine so much more depth that way, but I can't reach that feeling, something is blocking.
I had a friend who said something crazy to me many years ago. He told me about doing acid way back in college, and it completely altered his perspective on everything. He had been sort of reserved ad uptight before that, and the drug sufficiently bent his perception enough that he realized his stubborn, small-minded bullshit was exactly that - it changed him irrevocably. I have never done such a thing, my experiences with drugs have never been any kind of noteworthy in such a manner (alcohol has always ben my drug of choice) and yet - during these times, I think of my friend's story. his relating it to me has stayed with me for years, just as the actual experience has stayed with him (though, to a much lower caliber, of course). I sort of wish I could just "flip a switch" in my head and put aside all the murky grainy weirdness that keeps me from going to that place he got to, the fantasy of it is somewhat reassuring.. like a release. But then reality sets in, and I realize the important fact - I am TOO OLD for that stuff, there was a time in my life when that might have been appropriate but at this point my cement is too dry, my experiences have too-ingrained into my actual personality. I can't really retreat to "a different self," or at least not that easily. I'm.. not sure what it is that I need to et to that next stage. It's not some pill, it's definitely not a bunch of booze (that's more of a sidestep!), it's DEFINITELY not also "keeping working and trying to make money..." Despite the ideals that are constantly preached to me. No, i don't know what it is, and I have no idea really what I need to do to find that next stage, so i will guess that as long as I keep on as I have been, I will tread water for awhile.
It's not really a worry for me, despite my tone. This knowledge keeps me young, after all - the thought that "the next stage," the step into whatever further level of maturity that awaits, has not yet come and doesn't seem to be approaching anytime soon (hmm, chalk that up to living in Hollywood, duh?) I feel like in spite of my neuroses, what doom I may speak, I know myself and my spontanaeity (oh hell, i don't know how to spell it) always sees to do something to inject just enough friction/interest/eccentricity into my life that it keeps me steered steadily on this ultimately satisfying (if frustrating) path I am on.
Late. Almost midnight. I should wrap this up soon.
Last night I had some long important involved dream.. I forget most of it. I think a big deal of it was that I was leaving LA, I think I decided to quit and get out of this place.. or at least, get out of what all was going on in my life. I got rid of everything I owned, except for my car (which was kind of a very small winnebago - sort of). I would plant the thing in the middle of a National Park Reserve, or something, and just live out alone on the land, hoping the rangers would leave me alone if it was off-season. My Dad came to visit me, in his business suit - also my friend Adam from Boston (he's never been to LA, interestingly). An odd pair, but the three of us were eating at a diner and the two of them bonded over talking about football. They were watching some Russian Catholic Football League (yeah, I know). It was a weird feeling to wake up this morning, out in the middle of that field with no more of my material possessions, just my car that I could hop in and drive anywhere, it made me feel free.
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