my understanding has pretty much ground to a halt

greetings, those of you who read my blog, all fifteen thousand of you. How are you guys doing, I mean I really want to know! Jennifer, have you had that mole on your tucous looked at yet? And Bill, did you resolve that squabble you had with your neighbor yet (you know, after his god bit your wife and all). To be fair, she shouldn't really have been snooping through their yard anyway, I mean honestly, it's kinda not-cool to be going through you neighbor's trash and stuff looking for.. oh, I don't know.

It's a chilly night here in Los Angeles, as I sit here at my desk in my bathroom with the heater just-turned on, sipping a coke (it's filling and I've not really got any food here). The weekend was alright, busy times as usual in my life - let's see, last week my parents were in town (1st time in 4 years) so there was a lot of running around as I wanted to make sure they had a memorable trip. We rented a car and blasted all over town. this past weekend, I was hoping to just relax ad sit on my ass and not do too much at all, as it turns out it was still rather busy anyway - though I did get a little reprieve on Sunday. I sat my ass down on the couch to watch the final sox game this evening, unfortunately they got their hides tanned by the Mental Rays from tampa bay. I am sort of glad that I don't watch professional sports very much, though it is nice to be distracted I can see my personality just getting stressed/tense from too much getting-caught-up in that kinda stuff.

A few of us went out last night, it was a full night all around - dinner at Geisha House, drinking and dancing at Beauty Bar, and then back here to my pad for Pizza and Rock Band. I guess these are the Golden Days I'll look back at someday when I am old "for real." And of course today dragged my butt over to Los Feliz to meet some friends for a very tasty lunch. Life here isn't bad, I suppose...

Anyway, on to the complaining part of the email. I do feel tired, and I feel like my life is kind of at a standstill right this moment. It seems like some forward momentum I have been cruising with has kinda ground steadily to a halt, it's not there yet but it's pretty decided. I am not saying that's altogether bad, this halt is sort of representative of that Stability which I am always fearful of, but my personality is as such that I need to constantly be in the middle of some great flux where everything is threatening to break all-hell-loose if something super-crazy doesn't get pulled off at the last minute. It's this feeling, as usual. which puts my mind into evaluatory-mode and makes me think "hmm what should I do, quit job/move somewhere else/etc" and of course my reaction to that is that I must keep a steady course; if there's not a huge pit of trouble all ready to drop on my business, then don't ask for it. Still, there's a good few circumstances in my life which do kin of wind up that way, (hey - always, to some extent, right?) though by now I feel more than capable to be able to tackle any last-minute escape plans which would have to be hatched, if need be. So, I am not looking forward to that so much - but it's good to be secure in my own confidence of "I know what I am doing."

Still - I don't know really what I WANT. I think I sort of have already achieved many of the goals I have set for myself, certainly a few bigger ones are a ways-off from being realized but a lot of the middling stuff is pretty ordered at this point. Someone sort of pointed this out to me recently, and I took it somewhat offensively (a little, I suppose) "What!! how DARE you accuse me of having my shit all figured out - clearly you do not know me, sir or madame!" Well, I suppose it is all relative, then. Anyway I look around my apartment, and a lot of the clutter has been minimized, so I guess it's a little symbolic of my mental space being a little tidier than it'd been. I guess I kind of feel like a bit of a weight has been lifted in my life work-wise, as well, and as sad as that may sound, it's absence kind of leaves me feeling a little less chaotic in the rest of my dealing with the world....

Anyway, I guess at this point i will just keep working hard and trying to keep that stuff all going as best as possible. At some point i really WILL get out of debt (one should hope) and then maybe I will shovel out for a new TV or some crap like that (not something I ever seriously consider, but it's fun to pretend like I am concerned about it, in a strange way). Sigh, sleepy. I've had much deeper things I wanted to get over in here, but instead I think I will just phase off into the ether.