my own, personal

mon-day ni-gh-t, 9pm, just wrapped up the day's work. I should buckle in and do a nice late night, but I haven't got the power to do that, especially since I am trying to make an effort to come into the office a little bit earlier these days...

things are alright, I guess there's not a lot to say over what's been said lately. I am kind of feeling like a hamster in a ball, lots of energy but no matter how much I expend it's only gonna kind-of propel me in some sort of general direction. I always consider myself as a focused sort of personality, but I think it's a disservice to myself to suppose that much (focused yes, but far from razor-sharp, then!) Well whatever, like anyone else I am just trying to do the best I can.

I feel like I am suppressing the more philosophical parts of my personality lately, like my deeper thought and consideration must just take a back-seat to being practical and productive, those are thoughts I don't like to admit (as it DOES run contrary to my personal philosophy) but with the way all things seem to go in my life, it seems like the only way to head towards some kind of solvent goal, and therein lies the notion of "focus." I think I have grown up in this day and age where freedom and personality are championed, but really as I get older I can see how that's just a myth really, if you try to act out and .. uh.. follow your natural rhythm in those regards (in their purer forms) then you're only going to end up broke and alone, possibly in jail. Well, in many parts of this country anyway (at least the ones I live in). As I write that, it fascinates me a little "if i am so drawn to that rough idea of freedom, why does my personality reject the idea of living under the radar, in a wayyyy more antisocial fashion?" I guess it's just not so simple an equation then. There's always a few more big factors to consider.

Maybe I feel limited enough from the outside world as it is, and then when I do subject myself to it, it can only be under extreme circumstances (i.e. if I am gonna go out ot a club, I need to be intoxicated). How silly an idea it seems to go out to a club and NOT be drunk, or conversely to participate in otherwise "sober activities" while otherwise mentally misaligned. I don't like thinking about this stuff, it makes me feel like I am just full of shit. It is interesting though, and something that's just not really approached in society, and it makes me feel like we are all no better than cavemen, still...

I am a little tied up, I want to bend my borders, I want to hop in my car and leave my office and pick a direction, let my mind wander, and just drive, drive until my Gas Tank is getting low, fill it up, and then drive some more, ignore the highway signs, don't care where I am going, don't care when I am coming back, or if I am coming back..