the blankets were the stairs

apologies to that band.

Friday night, 1 week prior to Halloween, a time of the year that is very scary to me for reasons other than the usual (it's the Bermuda Triangle to me! Typically when I get dumped, fired, etc - while everyone else is out carving pumpkins and dressing like freaks, I just wanna stay at home and bury myself beneath my bedsheets for like.. TWO WEEKS, my eyes peering out, waiting for the blackest clouds of fate to pass me by so I can just get on with business as usual). Oh okay it's not ALWAYS horrible, but the human brain sure loooVVvvvVVes it's patterns. So, y'know.

Late, 2:30am, doing laundry, though it's almost done and then I'm to sleep shortly. Quite tired these days, things have taken a toll on me, I am out of shape, my nerves are quite frayed, the usual whining, etc etc. I feel like an awful pill of a person to be around lately, I don't know how/why my girlfriend puts up with it, hopefully for her sake she is a bit oblivious or something 'cause I feel like a major drag these days! Still, I tease her that "she's always happy and in a good mood" and I know that I appreciate that of her, it just makes things easier sometimes when I am feeling like I just wanna napalm all the fools on the freeway...

I have weird thoughts in my head, a lot of the same garbage/flotsam and jetsam that tends tt like to resurface ad nauseum, I wonder if I will ever be free of it (probably not, I guess I am not "me" if it is not there). Once in awhile, maybe more often that not I have this shitty urge of wishing I could just press a button and replace so many things in my life (particularly myself) - though I don't really know what that accomplish, after the novelty of "new everything" then I would probably just sink back to the same way I feel anyway, only set back some paces. Maybe that ain't a good way to feel about it. I think I am just looking for some direction, some belonging, something. I have all my shit all figured out (as much as it is gonna be) and maybe that bothers me too in another way. Maybe the bottom line is that despite my age, a part of me is frozen in this permanent-immature state, waiting for that next event which woulda happened long ago anyway if some things in my life had been different. Not sure if that's a good thing, a bad thing, or totally irrelevant, it's just a feeling, maybe I am just inventing crap.

Ah, seasonal affective disorder, where are you when I need you...? On that note, I am sick sick sick (not really so dramatically so, I just view the trend as pathetic/lame) how quick we as a society are to label everything with complicated-sounding names that brand them as "debilitating conditions," things that we have no control over," limiting factors that prevent like 99 percent of us from ever wanting to aspire to be more than some half-assed schmuck who's not good for very much at all. Who are we trying to make feel better, the old and infirmed? Come on, sickness and dying is a part of life! But more so, mediocrity is as well, in fact it's something of a saving grace - limiting factors are what truly define anybody as an individual. It's what draws us together, puts the humanity into us, and still we feel so shamed for it, somehow even when it's something ("talent") that we should not feel the least bit shamed for. It's not to terribly bad now, still kind of at a comical stage, but I can see where it's going and it sure ain't good. Again, my catch-all "this is part of our design" rings in my ear and so I can't just outright lambast it, people hate their humanity sadly, and this is an expression of that, and like all things in this world that too will grow and evolve however it will. Some will take advantage of it (ad agencies, pharmaceuticals, gov't) and others will know better, ad if not that then something else anyway, just like as usual. Okay I am pretty sleepy now.