shudder horse fern fear

GGRR.. Angry. I just typed a decent sized entry (not THAT big) into the myspace blog. Suddenly it decided to refresh and wipe out all I wrote. bah. i hate my life. I was extolling the virtues of myspace in that it isn't as clunky to enter text like in this blogger setup, but then it goes and wipes out on me.. bah, bah, bah... (hmm, i sound like a sheep). So then, where was I ...

things are alright. Another weekend has lazily drifted by.. not much to report I guess. Worked super-late Friday night, which resulted in much of Saturday getting wiped out by catch-up sleeping (and much of today, sunday, as well..) Last night we went over to Skillz' for a little get together, catching up with some buddies and some old co-workers whom I have not seen in awhile.. which is always a good thing of course. We played some Rock band (oh, my poor throat!) and even got May to pick up the bass guitar for a couple of songs - amazing, eh?

Today was a lazy, lazy day - lay in bed, watched half of the Matrix on TV for the umpteenth time, the end of Predator (man, i miss Arnold action movies) - fell asleep for much of the night. I wrote a long email to a friend of mine back east about "how to get a job in the game industry," those always turn into long drawn-out affairs.

My mood is alright - kind of feeling ho-hum lately. It is just an in-between period in
my life, I guess.. not bad since i am still working, so I guess I can not really complain. I feel like I need to find something to motivate me and get some locomotion in a lot of ways though. It's harder as you just melt into your routine, get older. I guess it is probably that way for most people, you sort of get into your rut. I have written this same blog entry so many freakin' times that it's beyond ludicrous. As we get closer to the end of the year, I feel older (as usual)
and redundant, "been here.. done that." I look up and down the boulevards ad muse about my crazy experiences of the past.. the good times, the traumatic ones. It feels so far away now, so.. dead since it's been fresh, new, invigorating. I still love it here, but the dark/wretchedness of Hollywood still stares at you from every crevice, it reminds me of those crazy feelings I used to have, when my world was going up and down at the same time. It's got me tired of it! I love it but, same as I have said for awhile.. it makes me want to be somewhere else. maybe just be someone else. I wish I could flip a switch in the back of my head, and forget a bunch of the things that have made me, me. "never have any regrets" I have always said, and I stand by it. I don't regret any of it. I am proud, I look forward to getting further. I just wish something didn't feel weird and misplaced in that way, that it always does.. If it was suddenly gone, I would be more mistrustful of it's absence, I guess.

Well.. seeing my friends this weekend was good. i can never seem to get enough of that, i guess it is the warmest thing in my life, and I never know how to properly express it. I feel kind of cheesy writing in this blog at times "oh blah blah here's how i feel" but honestly, when I am not just going nuts in my own head, I do think about how cool the people I have crossed paths with are, how special they are to me. Same with my family of course, and obviously my relationship. That last one is a touchy subject in particular (how can i pour my feelings out in a stupid blog about such things, when not only can everyone in the world read it - which is irrelevant - but that person in question?) I have got in trouble for such things before, so I try to keep that stuff close to my chest of course. All I will say is that reading this I probably sound like kind of a whiny guy in general - but I do appreciate what I have. After all that has passed, as I get older I actually find it harder to be in a relationship in some ways than it had ever been before, in some ways that maybe I cannot quite put my finger on. My head is a weird place for that stuff
- I think there's a big part of my personality that is always gonna be a loner, now and forever..

Strange, it has been a year now since the conclusion of my cross-country trip..