just don't do it, man

another freakin' sunday night. another freakin' journal entry. what it's been, uhhh... 3 years i have been writing in here. THREE, EXHAUSTING, YEARS. Yes, three years is nothing to a normal mortal, but to a subhuman like myself.. that is a different story, I guess you would say.

So here's the quick summation.. regardless of whether or not I've used the word properly, i don't care... work is busy. well.. it's weird. As usual lots to say about all of that, but like a good boy I will refrain, haha. Tuesday night I caught up with an old buddy who's recently moved back to town, we got out to my favorite club and met some other friends there. It was a really good night after all - I had been there a week earlier and had a draggy time, but this night was spot-on. There was a band of longhairs on the back stage wearing matching upside-down pentagram jumpsuits and jamming out metal mayhem with melodies lifted from old 8- and 16-bit videogames. Man I was in Ecstasy, I tell you.

We got out early from work Wednesday, I stuck around for a while and then headed to my girlfriend's place up the street and had pre-Thanksgiving dinner with her and her roommates, which was fun. GOOD food. Good times too. They actually got me to play Twister (it hurt!) and even some Blackjack.. well.. some rule-wretched variation of it, to some degree. Actually I must admit I've never really played most card games to any degree (pretty much just.. Crazy Eights!) Sadly. Yeah, so I am not a real man, what do you want. I also do not shave with a "real" razor either. But hey I can change a tire.. back off. Anyway cards was fun, I'd like to get more into it. I can see the appeal (I like to gamble, fortunately it exhausts me pretty quickly.. can be a rush though!) Next day was Turkey Day of course, some former coworker friends of mine invited us to their place in the Valley. A few folks showed up (we were pretty packed in!), they made a Turducken. Actually I think they must have shoved at least TWO chickens in there. Anyway all the food was extremely delicious, and I had a couple of beers to mellow out as well. All that's well and good, best of all is just relaxing with my buddies and enjoying the company more than anything else, to be honest. We watched some horrible movie then headed home quite late.. Next day, I am trying to remember.. oh yeah, no surprise, next day was a lot of sleeping. I made it to Mong and Skillz' place that night and as they'd just bought the new Rock Band game for Xbox, we hooked in and hammered on that thing for several hours. Lots of fun, though my voice was pretty destroyed from karaoke at the end of it (though I cannot wait to do it again!) Late in the wee hours my drinkin' buddy and I split the place and rocketed over to Hollywood to visit Spider Club, after hours so we snuck some booze in. Low points of my life, friends. I don't wanna get into details (it's not THAT bad, just sort of silly.. uh.. pathetic) Whatever, the club was not so fun. Crappy crowd. Crappy music. Unfriendly people.. but whatever, it felt good to be pulling myself out for a long long night of times gone by. It had to be done! Saturday was running errands, brought my girl all over town for shopping purposes (well hey.. shopping.. WHO CAN GET ENOUGH OF THAT??) and then May wanted to watch the gay cowboy movie (it's been a long time coming, haha) so I relented. I have to say that was a sad damned movie. Passed out for the night.. had weird dreams about Fred Flintstone on Wikipedia (?) then rose and headed into the office today. My tire blew out on the freeway into work, so I pulled off and stuck the spare on, then got assraped by Goodyear - at least it's one less thing I gotta worry about (for now!)

Also, to top it all off, my Xbox is still in limbo. What oh what has a guy gotta do? I guess I'll never get to watch Pootie Tang at this rate! LIFE SUCKS.. HARD!!!!

Anyway, so there's my life at the moment, drama and stress et. al. notwithstanding. I guess I am alright.. the usual mix of goodtimes and weird feelings and trying to keep my nerves from bubbling over. After the tire blew I was starting to feel a little migraine wanting to rear in. I feel like I have sooooo many stupid little things in my life which are practically held together by duct-tape. Nothing too terrible, and for many who read this it would sound like I was being beyond petty. Which is probably true, to say the least.. but that's my personality, and more than that, it sort of colors how I feel about my whole condition in general, in some ways. Yes my health is fine. Yeah I have a cool job and great friends/relationship/sense of humor (thought I would sneak that in) and etc. But over all of those things I feel like there's some precariously placed things in my life, like i am just waiting for something to ignite some crazy chain reaction and topple the whole thing. I am not worried about dealing with it, I know so much of it is just chaff and I can usually pull myself out of whatever red tape I manage to get snared up in - but it gets tiring to think about that process. Being the natural neurotic guy I am, I maybe focus a little too much on those nuts and bolts (and spend time writing blogs about them) as opposed to saying screw it and just letting shit fall where it will. That's my personality, and it's what makes me ME - I concentrate on all the stupid minutiae of the world, it fascinates me, I obsess over it, it rules my tiny mind and my thoughts. I wish I could slap myself and get over that bullshit sometimes, snap into the bigger picture and just take it a day at a time for real. In my way, I do. I am not a quivering pile of nerves, not really. But I can see it getting more commonplace in my life, the older I get. The little fires that don't get patted out, they grow slowly bigger. You can only cover so much ground at once and still just be "a simple person."

I don't think it's within the bounds of one such as I to decide "to be a different person," and I know I have consciously stated in the past that I would do exactly that. I sort of have, in some ways, but I think it was more of a cause-and-effect type of thing. And.. hell.. this whole getting older thing, it's really pushing the issue. I can't get over the fact that "yeah I am supposed to be a Man now," and still I live in this completely crazy surreal town surrounded by all these weird freaky creatures with their fucking complicated bizarre personalities, working in this ridiculously idiosyncratic obsessive-compulsive immature buttlovin' industry. It all really adds up if you think about it.. how could all of this NOT rub off on me? Where's MY nervous breakdown?

Ah well. I still have my outlets. My sense of order and logic, my responsibility sustains me (well enough to keep on keeping on). When next the canoe tips, where it will point me is anyone's guess, but at least i have the virtue of history to keep me from feeling like a naked skinned-knee freak in a miserable pile of despair if that happens (haha.. dramatic.. I am not so weak and without resource!)

At times.. like now.. I wish I could write so many other things in here, I feel like I have a huge wealth of things I have processed and pondered in my head, things I think about people, places, feelings.. events.. all the things and notions and episodes of life, that for some reason or other it would be kinda detrimental to mention in a (relatively) public place. I look at what I actually HAVE wrote above and feel like "oh man that's so neutered, so empty, the guts of what i am feeling, what i want to express, they are all being dutifully emitted.." It makes me feel at first like a liar, a coward, a two-face. Then I ramble about it down here saying "yeah I am a shiny asshole going on about nothing-bullshit for no reason in particular, but there is backbone to some of this stuff, trust me..." The only naked I can be is in just mentioning that much, and leaving it up to those who know me and have been through things with me to get a glimpse of the notion of what I go on about. And the rest of you, well, sorry folks, but like you I am a person, so just fill in your own wildest dreams and fantasies, your own pseudo-subconscious escapades for my own, perhaps some of the weirder things you can dredge up, or the more mundane which to my perspective might seem a little more wackified. It doesn't matter at the end of the day.. I like typing, I suppose.