i+don’t+wanna+hear+about+nothin’

yes, i know, i just wrote that it is july. it is FAR, FAR from July.. but for some reason, after I got my hand started 3/4 of the way thru typing it, i said ah hell, shucks, i will let it slip in, if only to properly illustrate the condition of my mental state.

late nights at work these days, as my life so often goes i tend to swing in and out of these things...i have about 20 minutes right now to sit and chill out while the lighting bakes, and so i thought i would grace my of-late-neglected blog with a little attention.. here you go. anyway, yeah, things are alright. i am working a lot. late nights last week, the week before that, and i was in this past sunday as well. it's groovy though, i will be handsomely paid when this project is finished, in fact I have started spending my future megabucks in advance. if you happen to know me and we are good friends, then send a note and maybe i will buy you a caddy, a supra or a new HDTV. It seriously depends on my whim, you see.


All kidding aside, money is probably the big thing sticking in my craw these days (do i have a craw? what does one look like?) but anybody can complain about that stuff so i will (largely) leave it up to everybody else. i will say this, however.. today the notion of taking an actual vacation to a far-off place (like, say, europe) for any brief period of time popped into my head. someone at work mentioned their recent trip to switzerland, and a light bulb went off "hey, i went to switzerland.. nearly EIGHT YEARS AGO!!!" Yeah so i have had a moment here or there of trips, since, but largely not. in fact, as my friend and i were recently bemoaning, the lion's share of my trips are back to the place I came from. So, yeah, it would be cool to go someplace different and exotic (once again) for a change. It sounds luxurious, but it really doesn't HAVE to be (it depends if you really must travel as a rich american tourist, you know). Me, I am fine roaming through the sketchy parts of some random run-down debris-laden city with hulking, frightening characters tracking my every move. okay, maybe not that extreme. but i do think it would be fun to chill out in a random pub in ireland or something. yeah, that sounds pretty fun.

there was a time when i would fantasize about flying around the country (or the world) in short stints to just party, sightsee, whatever. no, it's not my life, and it really likely won't be. the biggest issue (besides money) that I see is that I am past my prime for all of that! I am not old yet, not really, but I am old enough to know better. if i was 10 years younger than i guess things would be different. but then..

well..

i have been working for ten years. in that whole time, unstable as my career may have been, my mantra has basically been "keep working. build up, all of it... resume, experience, contacts, money (if at all possible)" And so yeah I have been doing that steadily, dodging bullets as best I could, but now I look back as i slowly approach my mid-thirties and realize "yeah, it's good to work hard, have a career, have these goals.. but is my goal just to keep doing THAT?" I know I have gone on, at length, on this sort of topic in recent entries in here. Because as I get older I realize that - honestly - I do have a good life, there's a lot to be appreciative of. But it's just not satisfying me. It's not the life I want. I remember when I was young and idyllic (and well, naive, clueless). I had this powerful drive though, and though I was still kinda skittish I guess, I would always find ways to throw myself into (ultimately) more interesting situations. Maybe not the best choices all the time, but certainly a few big ones which have led me to having a rather interesting (in a good way) life. But now a few years of those results have rolled over, and I am feeling like it's just a recycle of the same old routine. Same pressures, same complaints. Good times of course but the world is rich and full of variety, and I really feel painted into a corner these days. These years!

I don't write in here just to whine, I do it because I like to look back at "what I was thinking about, back then." I want to look back at this entry some day and feel like it was leading me down some path back to finding what it was I would want from my life.

yeah, i am just in a bitter mood, it's crunch time at work and my list of things to fix seems never to get any shorter no matter how much i pond on it. is it any wonder i am craving a vacation!! if it was up to me i would be partying at cinespace in 1 hr...