fast one

well, obama cinched it, the projections were right-on, and so a new day dawns at last. As i drove home last night and listened to his victory speech broadcasting over my little car radio, damn if my eyes didn't tear up a little bit as i had a feeling that better times may lie ahead. Yeah, there will be lots of hard work to unravel the mess, and surely there's gonna be tough times to weather in the meantime. That is life. Anyway it's always interesting to witness history as it is being made. hopefully the stupid racist haters won't do anything stupid to screw it up. It'll be interesting to see if the rest of the world likes America a tiny bit more, now...

got word that daft punk was gonna be playing a secret show at space last night, so called some buddies up and trucked out lickety-split. the show turned out to be not, but it was fun to hang out with my gang. sadly, i am well into my career as an alcoholic, and as often happens I blacked out a good chunk of the night. i am tired of this shit! i never thought it was great when people proclaim how "awesome it is to get wasted," the more of it i do them more pathetic it feels, in my own case.. i know it's not helped by where i live, plus my lifestyle in general, and just getting always kinda wound up by work and all of that and needing to release, to escape from my inhibitions for a little while here and there. i have long wanted to find a more productive way to do that, but it's pretty hard, so i don't know if i will ever do that. just have to wait until some consequences kick my ass I guess - that's some pretty depressing thinking though. At least I am not the kind who "needs to drink," it's only when i am out in that certain environment that i snap into mode though. come to think of it, that's how i behave in every situation (that i have bad habits), it's totally an environmentally dependent thing. I guess that's why picking up and going elsewhere has long held a novelty to me, being someone else, having different behavior, stuff like that.

things are alright though. i will always have some stupid things in my life making me miserable, i will invent them if there's nothing there otherwise to give myself shit to stress about, the older i get i just realize that I am the type of guy who NEEDS stuff to get worked up about for no good reason (and as I type this I realize that I am definitely not the first person in my family to behave this way). I like to think that I am not dramatic about it, i may talk a bit about all this in here (hey it is my release, after all) but aside from the occasional binge-drinking episode i really tend to stay away from a lot of the shit in this world that is truly "bad for you," and particularly readily and easily available at all times - again, particularly in the crazy city in which I live. Perhaps just being on the fringe of all that insatiable, crazy endless energy is enough for me - to just dip in here and there and get a little on me, to wander through a little bit here and there, to teeter over the edge just barely a little knowing that I too could fall into that pit if i was a little more reckless. it's the old yin and yang story - the order and the chaos, you need to have a bit of one in the other no matter what, and the sooner you embrace that notion the sooner you can kind of get on with your life...

feeling a bit creatively driven lately, somehow.. not sure where i am being pulled, or what is exciting for me, but that energy is also kind of getting up some interest in my head as well. i recently evaluated a lot of the work i've done professionally, over the past year and change, and i feel like i have got myself to a decent spot and can generate some pretty good output that i am proud of. i'd really like to augment that somehow, just get a little more prolific and make some stuff to show off what i got - get away from the more destructive/time-wasting stuff i have been kinda mired in. I guess that shit is important too, since it sort of fuels my creativity (that is what the ANGST is for!!!) Ah, I love how life works..

i need to get a space, i'd love to have a little studio or something. i have a little "nook" at home but it's very hard to concentrate there, i can't really ever get ANY work done there unless it's an absolute necessity, and this irritates me to no end. I need some place to just put MY shit, to have my freedom, to chill out and make stuff and be free to concentrate and get into my rhythm. i'd love to just rent a studio space or something but i don't really wanna pony up a few hundy a month for that right now, however that could certainly become a necessity. my Dream, ideally, would be to get a little spot downtown, just move all my junk there, TV and games and stereo, be able to blast that
stuff any time when I feel like it, go there and just make a mess - make some models, some drawings, hell some sculpting, SOMETHING, I know it would be a great time. Hell even if I had a basement then it would be alright! Ah well. Things to work towards. Maybe someday I will finally work out some kinda half-decent payday, if i am a little bit lucky, and turn this pretty simple dream into a reality. A load more hard work is gonna have to get poured out before I can get there! You'd think a solid decade of working in an industry like this would have made that easier, but there's never any promises of anything...

Anyway it is inspiring for me to realize that I do have some goal to work towards, besides 'just make money so I can keep buying stuff and gasoline and keep working, or else'