the computer science of dungarees

yeah, so once again I start my blog with 'another month has whipped by,' and i continue on my narrowing path towards 33 years of age. it's alright - 33 doesn't sound THAT bad. not much worse than 32, or 31. still better than "i'm in my mid-thirties.." Well, i know, it is getting there..

things are alright. the week kind of melted away. it was busy, but mor elike busywork-busy, not "stress the hell out" busy. i haven't felt "stress the hell out" busy from my job for awhile, but the neurotic in me isn't enough to let that completely go, just yet. As usual, "takes time." I have been bitching about work a little lately, though I must say the longer i am here, the easier it makes life feel, in some ways. Hmm... I guess that is good.

Though I will mention I have had to surpress my urge to pick up and leave town a little recently. I still maintain what I said earlier "I am BORED!" and I need something to stimulate me, and for the life of me I can't think of what it could be. Well, drama could do that, but I am not really in the mood for dealing with consequences right now. I want it to just be "easy!" I know my fallback is always "hell, I live in Hollywood, just go out and party." Sigh, I do miss that.. I seldom do it anymore, and it's such an easy recharge for my soul.. but it's always so detrimental to my life, the more of it I get caught up in. If only it wasn't so damned enjoyable! I am lucky I am not a true addict, when I know something is bad for me I manage to detach myself from it. Well..sometimes. Enough of the time.

It's a period now where I don't wanna write in here anymore. I don't feel like "expressing myself--" I just want to go into some kind of hibernation or something. I look at my bills and I look at my balance and I just want them to meet somewhere halfway somehow, and until that happens I wish I could literally freeze up my life somehow. I guess I have sort of been doing that, anyway.. but there's no way to do it while putting my brain on ice as well. When I talk about it I realize I could opt for a les expensive lifestyle (you know, live someplace less extravagant, get a roomate) but after all these years, it's evidently very difficult to just let go of my apartment! So I suck in my hot air and keep my upper lip stiff.. or whatever imagery fits this case.. just wait it out and keep movin' on.

I guess it's a good time to start evaluating how better to spend my free time. I am realizing that I am quite good at wasting it, but I could actually probably spend it doing things that could ultimately make me happier. I don't know who to blame for this (heh, myself) but I guess it's the first step towards lightening up a bit. My knack is always that "it's all in your head," or mostly a conscious thing, but I do believe a lot of how we feel is based on what goes on subconciously (of course,) not to mention biologically.

The other day I was paying some bills and I looked at the phone bill. Hmph! $65 for one month. That seems a little excessive to me. I mean, I like having a landline at home, and I have an internet connection of course. But would my life be ruined if I gave them up? Immediately I think "well damn, the bill is usually about an even $50 a month, and that's definitely worth what I get out of it.." But what do I get out of it? I have a phone at work and the net to boot. I spend a lot of time online at home, but if it was not there I am sure I could find other, more productive ways to occupy myself. I don't mind sticking around late at the office to do emails and look at wikipedia and stuff like that. I mean - I spent so much of my entire life without any internet connection, it's not like i NEED it. It's just a convenience, one that gets abused. Hell in my first apartment after college, I didn't have a PC or net hookup. In college my roomies had that stuff but I NEVER used their stuff.. what was the point?

Well I will say this, I don't do much freelance work but it sure helps to have the online when I DO. In fact my job, in general, is made much easier (at times.. not ALL the time) by having a connection at home. Honestly if I lived very close to work this would be a non-issue for sure! I don't think I am gonna get rid of it for real, but I would like to unplug myself more (I say, as I type in my blog). The internet is definitely a bad thing for a guy like me. And as for my land line phone, well, i don't talk on it THAT much. I could likely make all my phone calls from work (and i do have a cellphone, which gets much more use as an SMS device it seems)

As I type this I begin to wonder what other things I could "give up." This is a common fantasy for many, but of course it always stays "fantastic..." few people ever really seem to go too far with it. Driving is a big one. I drive a LOT. Come to think of it I drive more than most folks I know. If I could walk to work, I'd still probably drive, sad to say! On the positive I won't drive if I am drinking, as anyone who knows me will attest, and though I am always cabbin' to go out i will ALWAYS walk home, even if it's a few miles. But if I am sittin' around and I want to grab a bite, I will definitely drive, even if it's up the street. I guess I am one of those who thrives on the Instant Satisfaction of our society. Want this? Spend five or ten minutes to get it then bring it back! It's a little ridiculous, but life is a little excessively convenient. Last Saturday we spontaneously decided to walk to Hollywood (I repeat myself, I know) and got a nice dinner. It was fun and felt good! I should do that every weekend.

What else to lose.. hmm, hmm.. Well I always say I would give up my television in a moment if I could have a nice fireplace in my living room (not one of those shitty gas-powered faux-fireplaces, mind you). I stand by that, yet I maintain it's easy enough to say since I know there's no way I can set that up in my current home. But yeah if one day I can actually afford to buy a freakin' house, I am going to sure as shooting set up with a nice honest-to-goodness fireplace and chimney.. so help me! Ahh, we'll see. Anyway I watch almost no TV. If I was single I'd likely never ever watch TV (ever!) I have ranted about TV more than enough in this blog so I don't wanna get carried away once again.. but yeah. It's useless to me. Sure there's entertaining and interesting things on TV. But I have seen enough. I have had my fill. For my LIFE. Though I do like when they have them at the gym, helps you zone out (yeah CNN!) I might mention here that YES I have basic cable, but only because they never turned it off after the last guy moved out. If it turned off tomorrow there's no way I'd pay to get it back..

Could I get rid of music? I dunno. For years I have been a rabid music freak, like any from my generation it has provided the soundtrack to my life, especially adding punctuation to the peak moments. But you know, like other people who get old, I have lost touch with the trends, and popular music turns me off. It doesn't SUCK, in fact there's always some which is quite listenable - but my endless passion for it has certainly numbed. If i get a CD now, it may sit in my closet for a long time - a week, a year, not joking - before I spin it once (err, encode it and put onto iPod and listen to it). This goes for bands I LIKE! I guess it's kind of like TV, I am just burned out on enough of the me-too stuff. And though there's always plenty of quality stuff around to get into, I am sort of detached enough that it doesn't really captivate me anymore.

One thing I would not like to reject so readily is talk radio. I know that sounds a little weird.. but unlike music, which is sort of the same thing over and over (just in different flavors), at least with talk radio you can hear people talking about actual things. Sometimes it becomes inane, or just lame, but there's always something to listen to, something interesting. I like to listen to stuff when I work, it helps to while away the day and occupy my mind while I pour through my repetitive tasks, heh heh. "Talk Radio" is a term I will use to refer to not just real actual radio programs, but podcasts as well, of course.

Could I give up videogames? Read my current entry on my other blog for that! Short answer, yes, I already have.. though I would really like to hold onto my gameboy micro for good reason. But the fact that I've not updated the games on it's flashcart in over a year and a half is probably a telling sign, of at least a couple of things..

Clothes? Who cares (though I don't wanna be gross or naked.. well I could kinda dig being naked if I wasn't fat and wouldn't be arrested). Friends!! Well, I love my friends, but I do a good enough job of alienating them (not on purpose, it's just life) that they probably wouldn't notice too much if i went missing, haha...

Food? Uhm. This one is tough. I love food. Well I don't LOVE it but it's something that kinda makes my day, a decent meal. If I eat plain food for too long I will start feeling really bummed out on life. I don't need "expensive fancy food" either, I am a simple man with a simple palate, but I have my joys. Yeah, when I die I will miss the good eats of this world. I need to eat better, which means eat more boring food.. bah.

Soda I could give up.I drink a LOT of soda. It tastes good, dammit! It is making me fat though. I actually don't mind just drinking water, which is honestly the most refreshing thing I can imagine - but when you get into the rhythm of drinking soda in your life, especially with certain food, then they kind of "go together." It becomes difficult to enjoy a burrito without a Coke you know what I am saying? But if I go without soda for awhile, the drive leaves me. And when I dip back in after awhile, it tastes kinda gross and it is not too hard to stay away. The thing is, soda's got the caffeine I need to snap out of it during those drowsy periods. Anyway I haven't had any soda in about a week. Let's see if I can stretch this for some months.

Beer, booze... sigh. I'd LOVE to give these up. I really do enjoy drinking. It's such a satisfying, easy thing - it works EVERYTIME! It's like the perfect drug for a guy like me. Drinking can juice me up with instant, happy energy, no matter what the preceding day has been like. Also in other company can help me chill the hell OUT. It's a nice medication. I also seem to have an affinity for the taste of beer, what can I say.. and I like vodka. And starting to dig whiskey. Yah that's all rough, but I enjoy it, it's part of me. Still, I never --yearn-- for a drink. I enjoy it, but i don't have hunger pangs for booze. Fortunately I don't enjoy it so much that I can't exist without it, or even close to that bad.. I can see how that would be a truly complicated situation. Could i give up booze? You bet. I have (for YEARS!) Do I want to? Nah. Not really.

Okay. Obviously I could type this list all night. But I gotta go home and get something to eat. 'Night all.