the laughing cake

hello myspace LOSERS. (or blogspot losers). what the hell have you wrought.
I haven't written in here for a little while. i actually don't recall my last entry. that's a lie, i wrote one about a week ago as an R.I.P. to my grandma who'd just passed away (one week ago) but then I decided against posting it. Yes, I actually practiced some self-editorship, imagine that...

so, yes, things have been quite busy then. i flew back to boston the previous tuesday for her funeral. i had been wishing for a little vacation to get away from work/life and that's what i got instead.. though I must day, it wasn't quite what I had in mind, nor was it what one would call "a relaxing diversion" by any means. I will admit, it was nice to be away from Los Angeles though, for what it's worth... to be away from the computer. Sadly it wasn't for a happier reason, but that is how life goes, I suppose...

So this is a weird time of my life now. The passing of my grandma marks the passing of my final grandparent. My Mom's dad passed away in 1988, her mom in 1999 (likewise my father's dad) and now my other grandmother is finally gone, kind of a shock in this case as (unlike the others) it was quite sudden. But she was old, and unhappy, and if she was still alive now she'd surely be in very rough shape, so I am glad that is not the case.

It's a weird thing now though. This is something that's been looming over my family's head for some time.. for years. My grandmother had a lot of power in my family, and there were definitely some complicated relationships because of it. Now we can only wonder what will happen in her wake.. it's something that has been speculated about for years, in both positive and negative ways. All I can do is sit back and try to be supportive, and wait.. and watch.

Weirder still is.. now MY folks are "the old people." (Yeah, and they love reading it when I type that, I am sure!) But they know this. They are no longer the young married couple, a generation in-between that have to deal with not only their own children but still their parents, as well. Now they are the seniors, age notwithstanding, and my generation is no longer "the youngest one" at the end of the train. Yeah, my brother and I haven't any children of our own (or even wives of our own!) but we are in our early thirties.. and now I look on my parents, and see them not as these people who are still young and vigorous and full of youthful energy, but these people who are now really the oldest generation of my family, and that means I have to consider their welfare in a way that I had always, otherwise, taken for granted in the past. It's an ominous thing. I mean.. they are relatively healthy, and still quite young, but from my POV the years are starting to speed past. Well - faster than they used to, anyway.

I want to take this time to solidify a better adult relationship with my folks, is really the point I am making I guess. I have long felt like no matter what, I am always just "their kid" and that will always be true, but I don't want to feel like at this level I am "their kid who's gonna need to rely on them as a safety net." I don't feel that way, but I look at my own history and kind of the expectation I have given them after all these years, and I suppose it is still kind of perceived that way. I am not sure what all this means.. i have a lot of thoughts flying through my head the past week, a lot of philosophical upheavals and trying to get a better perspective after all the changes that've been going on (and the ones that are looming). I can't help but realize my life has been so cyclical and as I get older, I start to grow weary of the cycle. Or at least, I wonder just what is my point in that - what will really make me happy?

I saw a lot of my old friends this past week.. all the ol' homeys. That's always a good thing to do, a nice recharge, definitely traumatic in it's way as well, as people who understand could attest. A good thing I noticed is that -- well, the past several years, I'd go home once a year or so and catch up with the heads and so I would notice changes in EVERYBODY. Insignificant to one another since they'd be in each other's regular routine, but to my eyes they would change drastically. But basically, it's a cliche I know but - everyone was getting fatter and older looking, as the years passed - noticeably! Not to say I haven't got my own signs of slowing down (hahah yeah) but some of those guys were getting hit pretty bad. I was shocked, to say the least, to see that so many of them have literally been shaping up. I mean - hell - they looked like 5 years younger, many of them, than the last time i'd seen them! That's great - motivates me to get my own ass in gear in the same vein. I am tired of having a big round gut (it ain't bad, but it could be a lot better..)

Seeing old friends is funny, you get a recharge of what it's like being in the midst of your old gang. This sounds funny but I stopped at a lot of my old favorite local joints to eat some of the food that I have missed. I know it's weird but sometimes, for a guy like me, those are some of the things you miss the most! And so visiting the old eating places, the old foods, the old tastes of years past is also in a way like visiting old friends as well. Like i said, it sounds funny but it's definitely true.

As these years pass, visiting home feels stranger to me. It's been 7 years out here now - I grow more and more distant each year, and though New England will always be strong in my head and my heart, it's definitely getting further away from the person I am now. I just can feel how I don't belong there anymore, it makes me see how much I have changed since my departure. The weirdest thing, actually, is driving around... with my old friends, the old roads, the old neighborhoods.. the types of trees on the streets, the way the sidewalks are laid out, hell even the sewer covers.. the way the light shines, the way the sky looks, all these things, they literally feel like traveling through a memory. It's like looking through an old photo album filled with pics from when you were a kid, the way things all look like they are from a different time, with different styles, everyone looks so much younger. But the fucked up part is though all that stuff is there, it's all different now too.. a different coat of pain has been applied. Everyone's older, half the shops and restaurants that were there FOREVER have been torn down and replaced a few times over. There's no strong sense of communal sentiment, in that respect, so your brain just fills it in and the difference just makes you feel strange. It is what it was but it's also not that anymore, at all.

Geez. Do I sound old or what! Yeah so I am having a little bit of a midlife crisis, what do ya want. It's a weird time.

Anyway I will wrap this up by saying, in spite of it all, I a sad to see my old gramma go - yeah, she was ornery and probably really miserable for awhile, and she affected my family in ways that i'd rather not get into here, right now (too complicated) but she was my grandma and she was special, all right. She sure was something else. It'll be hard to return home to Boston and realize that she's not there anymore, waiting for a visit for me for at least a couple of minutes.