so, then

Saturday night. Pretty tired. Stayed up late last night (sigh, yeah, I am falling into -that- routine), got up outta bed/shower/store/get to meeting for a large chunk of the day, then to the Gym, then eat a salad, then increase my chances of becoming a diabetic (craving sugar lately, something awful), then some follow-up work stuff at home, then further organizing my blog, and now writing in it, and THEN.. do some more work. Or just pass out. But I really need to get some work stuff done. So we will see.

Things are alright. As alluded to recently, life is very busy right now, very hectic, actually a lot of ups and downs. I am not so sure that the good is outweighing the bad, I mean it's not like the sky is falling, but I definitely have a couple of little fires here and there which I don't want to spread. These I can contain, those i am not too excited to deal with.. It's the usual stuff, like everyone else in the world. Cars, money, career, relationships, friendships, health, my own general state of mental cohesion. Sadly, I can't really complain about that last one ("I am too damned HINGED!!") as I know I will always be to cognizant to be fully enough aware of when the shit is going down! But yeah, I have just coasted into my 34th year on this planet, I guess that means it has been several years since society/my peers/folks have considered me "an adult and (somewhat) competent member of society.." I still look around at what I have amassed and what is behind, what I have learned (and what I have shed!) and I think, man, I guess I am just doing the best I can. There's certainly things in my life which sketch me out a little bit at the moment but really, I am just trying to keep it on the level as best, as clean as possible. Since being out of work, again, I have done my best to keep busy and hit every nail with the hammer as possible. I haven't scraped every last job lead out there, but I have inquired to nearly all of them and kept the scant few remaining in a prominent shelf in my brain. Not being slacky, trying to order the way I spend my time sensibly and effectively. Yeah, it is true I went out and let loose a little bit following my job termination, but I can't really take shit for that.. it's like being dumped. You pour a sizable portion of your heart and soul into something, for a decent amount of time, especially with all the backlog that led you to that point - you have honestly made an emotional, and to a degree physical investment in things. I always say "never get too attached to things - it could be here one minute and gone the following..." but honestly, as human beings it is impossible for us NOT to invest in that routine, to become susceptible to it, to require it. It's part of our nature, whether or not we choose to be entirely cognizant of it. So, yeah, letting go - though it gets somewhat easier each time, depending on the circumstances - in removing one's routine, it should be expected that a person will go a little wonky for a spell while they try to adapt to the new situation. At least, to return to an older model of being..

My hand hurts, I type too much..

So I am sad because there's a lot of things on the periphery of my life that are ending and changing. Like I said, it's the background, but it's still enough that it's worthy of noting in my blog. For one, and it sounds petty, but my favorite radio station is GONE. Just like that. As I've got older I have listened more and more to talk radio, especially with my long-ish commute. It's never impeccable, but it's always been there for me in some shape or form and it's just - gone now. It's manageable, we have internet, we have ipods, etc - I can find other shit to suck up my audio time when the need arises. But yeah, sucks to acknowledge the end of a nice little thing in the background of my life. Ah well, it happens, and it ain't the end of the world. The great thing about the world, is that it's always full of TONNNNNS of cool stuff, you just need to do some homework and be a little daring/adventurous/experimental, and you will find. Culture is a fascinating resource..

Still trying to exercise as much as possible, it's been 4 years since I have had a gym membership (geez you think I'd approach getting in some kinda shape by now!) but honestly, I am one of those people who will be real dedicated/work fairly hard to maintain consistency with it, and then some BS (like losing a job) will happen and it will knock me out of whack (see above) and I'll just have a "fuck it who cares, not me anymore" attitude. And then time will pass and I will say "fuck it I paid for it/am still paying for it" so won't cancel, with the hope that I'll get back into the swing of things when it becomes convenient, but then - like - 9 months or so will pass and I'll get by on only the tiniest amount of exercise a day (like, walking to my car/the bathroom). Not good! Especially as I get older and my metabolism continues it's plummet, earthward - seriously. So, I have maintained this recent go-round with some sincere steadiness. It's not perfect, and I lapse a bit here and there, but I am getting to the point now where I feel it's fairly ingrained in my basic lifestyle, that I need to go out and exert to the point of uncomfortable sweatiness for a short time, every day or so. So yeah, let's keep up the fight!

On that note, I am gonna check my weight, put the laundry away, and try to get back to messing with the game engine which I am attempting to decipher. Another day, another engine, yaddayaddayadda..