another freaaaagin' goddamned bloggedy blog

ok here is the part where i go look at the last blog i wrote, so i can decide what i am writing about..

oh, okay, good, i got the thanksgiving stuff out of the way. Anyway, here i am, it is 20 past 8 in the PM, sitting hunched way over in my chair at work, my eyes are bleary from not sleeping (last two nights i was pretty awful!). I am waiting for my generous girlfriend to pick me up from work (she is already 20 min late and won't be here for at least another hour, hey this is my blog so of course i am gonna whine in here!) But i appreciate her going way out of her way to get me at all ('cause man, it cost me like $50 to even get to work today anyway! two taxi rides, one train..) Though i gotta say it was nice taking the train in, wish i could somehow swing that into a more regular thang. Just lie back and pass out for 45 minutes, then wake up and BOOM right in santa ana, easy as pie.

i had to leave my car at home today as it's having trouble... um... MOVING right now, in fact i will bring it to the mechanic tomorrow who hopefully, and inexpensively, can resuscitate the old girl. I mean, I put 90 miles on it just about every day (at least!), the thing has 210,000 on it, 11 years old - it does run really well for what it is worth, but all the years and miles are definitely taking a toll. I have to face facts that it is time to get a new car, sadly it's not the best time economically to think about that but as my current machine is getting more expensive and inconvenient to upkeep, i feel like my hand is forced. It sucks 'cause i am already in debt (not horrible, but enough to make me shudder thinking about car debt on top of it). Also I don't wanna get some middling piece of crap that kind-of works, i would like something that will last me for awhile, and comfortably (and yeah, it should look kind of cool!) Maybe I will look at VWs and Hondas off the bat.. if i had a fat load of cash I would dream of buying an Audi or something, my dad always drove those and they felt powerful, and sturdy..

work is alright these days, as mentioned i am happier on this new project, though of course there's always gonna be things that drive ya nuts (no matter the job). I can deal with that, if it was easy and all perfect and not kinda crazy then there's not really be any pressure I guess. I am just feeling a little bit long in the tooth to still have to deal with some of the frustrating things, but - i mean - in life, you gotta pay dues. Even when you've been paying for awhile, some stuff just hangs out and you gotta keep paying. I shouldn't whine, in a lot of ways things feel quite cushy for me, if i had half brain i'd shut up and not think on it too much. I feel like that's the way a lot of things have "worked out" in my life. Friendships, girlfriend, where I live, health, etc. At this point I am in my mid-thirties (well, just about) and looking at where all these things stand, it's all pretty damned well "worked out" - but the maniac inside of me wants to tear everything apart and burn all the shreds and go do it a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WAY. That damned devil sits on my shoulder "drink this beer! Stare at that whore! Get mad about those projects!! Bah Bah Bahhhhh!!!" I don't know why it is making sheep-bleating noises, but the point is that things are good, and still I feel so far off where my path "wants" to be in some ways - and I feel like no matter what I do with my life, I am always gonna be chasing that intangible thing. I WANT to have that thing to chase, that carrot always dangling out of reach, making me feel... SHITTY, because if i was actually content then i would be "finished" and bored and just sit around going through the motions of life with no passion to make me feel like getting at it.

Blogging is nerdy and lame and pointless in many ways, but is also a great tool, it lets one just completely go off about themselves - this makes me understand why people must love therapy, in spite of the stigma attached to it (which is just kinda vanishing anyway) you just get to sit in a room and talk about yourself, for HOURS. Why in the hell else do you think i have written nearly FIVE HUNDRED blog entries in this thing (true, this is entry number 495!!) I'm terrible, like most men in my family i have this crazy limitless energy pushing me to do all this shit and I never know how to properly express it, it is so nice to at least half this outlet - bizarre and damning as it may be.

well, dammit, i am sleepy.