secret detections

what's up, you foul-smelling hooligans. You yahooligans. ya-Tool-igans.
It is Tuesday night, and I sit at my desk in my office and fart and only add to the warm stuffiness of the room. It's a hoot I tell ya, a hoot anna half! I was hoping to go see a concert tonight but as I am a bit under the weather the past couple of days, decided to skip it and just take it sleazy. That sucks 'cause I hardly ever go to concerts anymore (well, for bands I actually intend to see) but I suppose I have seen my share.

Things are alright. Like I said, I feel a little yeccchy, nothing debilitating but still enough to want to crawl onto my couch and be left alone by the outside world and the weight of responsibilities and all of that, but hey - too bad! The show must go on. I am super-swamped with work right now, that's going alright but I must admit feeling a good deal of burned out right at the moment. Making stuff gets tiring. I will never give it up, but I could use some kind of a breather (a non-job-losing breather, I mean). I am not sure what my schedule has in store for me, what with wrapping up this project and segueing into the next - so I will just take it in stride, as I often do. Of course my salvation had always been retreating into the more insane and active parts of my personality, but these days I am trying to curtail that madness and just phase through this all. Get some time down, get some bills paid.

My mood is alright. I feel --- cramped lately. I feel like I am getting a little older, like things that would normally not bother me are more easily getting under my skin. I am not sure why this is, nerve damage maybe? Also I just feel like I have this noticeable split with "my inner dialogue" a lot more than I had in the past, it has been germinating the past couple of years - ebbs and flows - but sometimes it swings kind of wildly. I never want to second-guess my decisions, I still want to live for the moment - but I am doing things contrary to both of those. It feels like I am wasting time, or aiming in the wrong direction - fighting my instincts. This usually all comes down to my chaos urge battling my order urge, and I guess many people have those same conflicts. Damn logic.

Yeah, everything feels a little weirdo right now. Living here (and working here) has all had some marked effect on me, and I wonder what ten more years of this would mean. I wonder if it'll get that far... Anyway once in awhile I get these little flashes of this despair, just like being stuck. It all chunks up and I feel like I don't have any freedom for anything, I just have to keep going through the same motions, between everything i do - what I eat, conversations I have, places I go - it's all the same, redundant. Yeah, familiarity and patterns are all well and good, but I feel like such a limited simpleton in some ways that it makes me feel like (noted above) WASTING MY TIME...

I need something to kick my ass back into gear, something to inspire me and draw me out of the funk. It's all around me, it's looking all around, I need to find my eyes again.