complainy complainerstein

hey it's that time of the month when i fill my journal up with a bunch of whining and ranting. Oh just kidding! I actually do that like 4 times a week.

So my car is still in the shop, they are definitely gonna take their sweet time with it since it's paid for already (under warranty). Sniff. I miss having my car. I hate being dependant. I could catch a train home but that feels kind of needlessly expensive and also sort of pointless. Though if I did have my car on hand right now I would get the hell out of my office and drive home and eat something tasty and then go out for a night on the town.. that's the kind of frame of mind I'm in. I need to unload, to expend some pent-up energy. I am feeling kind of like a big blob that's pointless and boring right now. I need to remind myself what it is like to have some fun...

My friend emailed me today some pictures that his buddy sent him from a recent trip to Greece, the guy takes quite a bit of vacations actually. We both wondered "why don't we do stuff like that!" The answer is pretty clear, and not hard to figure out.. the thing is it is not too hard to figure out how exactly to get some extra money flowing around here. It's just a drag! I don't wanna work 24/7 for real. I am tired of burning myself out. I can still enjoy my job, only because I know I am not committing every waking moment to it for real (though it certainly feels like it, plenty of the time anyway). But yeah - I would love to know that there's coming a time in the not to distant future where I will be able to unwind a bit and do something unusual (but enjoyable). I have long been trumpeting that I need some change in my life, I suppose it's true. It comes with a cost, though... that is always true...

Hmm, yeah, I suppose I am kinda bored still. In fact it's getting a bit worse.. I need something to snap me out of this funk! Well, going for a long walk the other day helped (for starters) - I guess getting more exercise/exertion is a good way to help burn off my wound-up energy productively, at least.

I am in a decent mood 'cause I wrapped up my latest level at work, just now. It feels good to get another chunk finished.. though it gets difficult to be excited about that for other reasons which I don't wanna get into. Anyway if I can power through a few more at a respectable rate then I will be in decent shape. I am starting to feel the weight of "lots of stuff built over the years" and it's got this kind of .. disposable feeling to it all. When I am done making it, just toss it in the pile and move on. Eventually that pile gets big.. then you have collections of piles.. piles of piles, heh.. I am pretty used to detaching myself from my "product" when I am done with it, aside from scavenging/cannibalizing things when I can. But after a few years you kind of look back at all this dated (temporal) mishmash and think, well, what have I done? I have my resume, it's a bunch of names and dates.. and memories I guess, jumbled up.. I guess that's it for anyone... but nothing stands up, there's occasional highs and lows but I need the "standout thing" that I am proud of. I guess I am not the type of person who can plan that stuff, I kind of "go with the flow" when I am being creative. Make the best out of what I can, but try not to dwell on things, keep the rhythm going, keep building up on top of everything else. It's production, not art. You aren't rewarded for lingering, one must just advance and improve but you can't really hang out and appreciate things too much. I guess when you get to a certain (perceived) level of success, however that happens, than you start feeling like there's been a point to it all, aside from the little momentary bits of gratification. Maybe I will change my tune when it's been more gratifying overall in some other palpable way (or maybe I lack the ability to truly appreciate it like I should!) This is starting to feel like something I should be going over in my other blog, hmmm...

Last night I was waiting for a ride home and so I worked late (much like tonight), and the cleaning guy came and kicked me out for a few minutes so he could dust my office. I went into the TV area of our production team and plopped down on one of the big cozy leather couches. I was upset to be disturbed and thrown out of my space (but hey, the guy's gotta do his job too) and so I sat there in the other room and pondered. I looked around and leapt into another thought, thinking what a nice place it is that I work at, how I am fortunate to have sort of stumbled onto this studio. I remember interviewing here sort of on a whim (I needed a job!) without much knowledge of what would wait for me here, and so not much expectation either (other than.. "probably just another game company") and while that is true, in the 6 months since I have been here I can appreciate some of the relative strengths and weaknesses of a place - especially after having gained some perspective from the many different places I have been employed at. This place is no different of course, in that regard (like any job!) What struck me as I was sitting down, this place is just nice. The people, the bosses, they are really nice people to work for. Not perfect of course, no place is, and definitely not perfect for me, but it's a good antidote, for the time being, to some of the BS I have had to deal with previously. I still get pretty fumed over some shit that went down with my last job.. I get over stuff pretty easily (well.. in a way) but that is something I will probably hold onto for a while, and rightfully so. I was pretty set with the fact that "if this job ends, it will just be because it was my own fault, not because of someone above me making a stupid mistake.." Well of course I did things to hurt myself over there, I definitely didn't deserve what happened, and blowing an opportunity that good is something that's still got my engines revved a little. But I have been humbled before, and now I have been humbled again. It's funny, it's been exactly a year now, and it's not something I think about very often at all (which is a good thing) - but also something I never want to forget, something I want to hold kind of close to myself as a constant reminder, so I don't wind up on my ass in the future so easily. Don't have expectations. Don't let your guard down... Nobody owes you anything, no matter what you've done, in the long run. Maybe I am sort of pessimistic and cynical after a few years, and it's colored my mood to a degree, but the flipside is that good things can happen in spite of bad things. So more than the two things I have stated, don't let shoddy judgement get in the way of jumping on a good opportunity!

Anyway.. enough rantin' for one night. Nobody's perfect.