slag on

what's up party people. party ass people. yeah that's right, i am talking to you. soooooo.. long time no see.

still unemployed, despite that i am still incredibly busy, i have done a couple of all-nighters in the past couple of weeks. i am working with some fellas on a demo and it's requiring a lot of time and labor - but that's cool! good to keep busy. hopefully i will have some good news outta that at some point.

trying to get out of the apartment when possible, i don't mind being a layabout but i go kinda crazy locked up in my box here. i try to get out to the gym every couple of days (at least!). If I go more than 3 days without showing up i feel guilty, guilty, guilty.. plus i just paid a couple hunnert bucks for a membership (for two years?) so I gotta get mah money's worth!

trying to keep it mellow besides. going out means spending money, and i need to hoard what i can in these times. eating in a lot, obviously i am not much of a snacker (which is good for a few reasons). i wish i could say i was a healthier eater - i am not the worst, of course..! But yeah keeping my extra-curricular activities to a minimum as much as possible. i'd love to go out and get wasted every night (because REALLY.. who wouldn't?) but that's a short trip to a long list of troubles, so nix on that. it's tempting in that "well hell, i don't need to be up arly for work or to be anywhere!" A couple local places have free booze on certain nights which isn't bad (and i can get drunk pretty quickly) so it's, i guess, "nice" to know i can take advantage of that if it comes to it. sigh, what's a derelict to do...

kudos to my friends for taking care of me, a few of them have been spotting me during my period of lack of income - i hate feeling needy, but for those of you who read this, it is MUCH appreciated. I hope you don't consider me a mooch and know that I will always get you back as well (I think I try to do a somewhat decent job of it, when I can..) But yeah, I can't say thanks enough - though I must stress I certainly don't expect it (but if it's there I won't say "i insist, no charity!!") Though if this ends up dragging on for several months (ugh) my attitude will certainly change into a much more hermetic style, for reasons which would make sense...!!!

so i am sitting here a lot, cranking away on my PC every day and night - like I said, there's a LOT of work to be done. I have accomplished much, and feel like I have just barely got started. It is nice being able to merely stroll downstairs at my leisure to get busy, as opposed to (sigh) driving an hour each way for 50 miles each trip, to and from work (not that I am being particular!) but yes - working at home does have it's drawbacks. My PC is always sitting there, in the little nook, looking at me.. "you have things to do." I really wish I had another room or something, anything, to promote separation of work and.. .the rest of my life. Granted, I'd just be holed up in that little room or whatever all the time, but it would make it easier to head over to the couch for a little RnR now and then without thinking "dammit though I can't relax I got THANGS TO DO!!!" Well, I have a hammock, and a backlot, I can setup out there when it gets back to being a little warmer if need be. Nice little respite.

And yes - I am definitely getting crazier as I age. I am - generally - a fairly laid-back guy, to a fault. Really, I think with some of the stuff I have dealt with, not that so much of it is particularly monstrous or anything even faintly approaching, but my nerves have been capsized a good several hundreds of thousands of times now from the stresses of everyday life and such - also I am a Jew, which means I have a tendency to operate on the level of some constant neurosis or other. As I age, these things just exacerbate. And now, bottled up as I am in my little apartment, I feel like the goldfish who keeps growing big enough to just barely fit in the fishbowl. I share this space with my girlfriend, and though I certainly love her, I think we can both sense that "we are here ALL THE TIME TOGETHER." She is there on the couch, mashing away on the keys of her laptop (as I write this .. and most likely, as you, dear reader, are reading this).. and sure, at some point she will read this as well and gimme a smack (the bad kind, not the good one!) But yeah I know we can both sense the weight of the hours piling up as we cohabit this small space, and it's making us.. pesky and snappy at one another. As I said, I am aging and my neuroses are swelling.. the past few years I have developed this autistic-like sensitivity to background noise, especially anything random or strangely-patterned. I used to sit next to a guy who tapped his hands against his desk ALL DAMN DAY. Drove me fucking nuts. Then I Sat next to this girl with the loudest freaking keyboard ever. CHUNK-G-CHUNK-G-CHUNK. She was the nicest person in the world but sound of her fingers assaulting the ivories made me go spastic "ahhh GEEEZ!" Man, was I relieved when she accidentally busted her keyboard and had to get a (much quieter) new one.. Still loud and tappy, but only half as bad.

I got moved into a new office after awhile and sat next to this designer, bald dude. Man - THAT guy was silent. I would occasionally have to keep turning around to check if he was still there. The guy was like some kind of.. game-designing ninja. Quietest man EVER. I think I would marry this guy, the hell with sexual preference. He was just so damned quiet, like a dead fly or something.

But, yeah. So I am at home now. And my girlfriend pa-pa-pounds the shit out of her little laptop keyboard all day long (and all night long and all early-morning long). And once again my oversensitive ears go crazy from it. And she is so sweet and innocent that she doesn't even know it makes me insane (even if I poke and prod her about it). So this is where it starts getting pathetic - I was at Circuit City, they just closed down but prior to that they had had a huge clearance sale for like EVERYTHING, all the stock. I wandered in "hmm oh.. what's this? Noise reducing earphones? Could this be.. mana from heaven, perhaps?" Yeah I heard of these before, even looked into them for a bit when I was working next to tap-tap-tappy dude, but damn.. so expensive (getting on 2 bills!) But here at CC, they had a pair of cheapo-knockoffo-brand for like 30 clams! So hell. Sure I am outta work, but losing my sanity.. So I shelled out. Well.. they KINDA worked, you put in a AAA battery and press a switch and then it makes a little distant faint-static noise which sounds like nothing, but kills the bottom level a little. Fair enough! It's ben keeping me happy enough (plus you can still plug them in and use them like regular headphones, which makes sense). They are a little gripping tight and hurt to wear after like 20-30 min, but not too bad.

So, yeah, pathetic. But it gets WORSE. The stupid cheapo headphones alone weren't doing the trick. I can't listen to music all the time (makes me kinda nuts if i do that too) so you know what I did! I downloaded some white noise MP3s. Okay, new lows. Really. I can't believe people put this stuff up online, but sure enough! I listened to a few.. airplane cabin, hair dryer, eponymous white noise.. they sounded alright, but there's one I found called "brown noise" which just fits the bill the best. Oh man, this is so sad. I want to make a mix CD of different white noises (not really).

But whatever. It's making it a little easier. Tune in next week when I decide to stop wearing clothes, eating, and only speak and write in pig-latin. huzzah!