stand up

Early Sunday evening. Sigh - a long day with nuthin' going on - well, to sum up, it's been very busy around here since my last entry. Things are alright, I am pretty mentally beat these days. The last week - while not bad - there was definitely a lot of things going on, and in that, it's been quite draining. The big thing in my life now (as has been) is the development of our new iPhone game, and to repeat what I have ben saying - it's been a very bittersweet experience. I am quite happy with it (how far it's come, what it looks like overall) and I cannot wait to put it out into the world - but the more time that passes, the more I worry about how it'll wind up, in some ways. The videogame world is a messy, messy place - I guess it's always been that way. I need to work very hard to get the game looking very special, otherwise it'll land with a thud, no matter how good of a title I claim that it is.

Haha. It feels weird "34 years old and I am going on about a video game" - it's a product, I want to get something out of it. I have spent a lot of time, a lot of energy getting to this point, I want to put something out into the world with my name on it (as opposed to something with some big publisher's name on it). These days that feels so vitally important to me, after all these years of working so hard for those big guys and not having anything to show for it - my resume is nice, but "what have you done for me lately?" is all you ever hear anywhere.

We have had a steady stream of guests around the apartment lately, it's nice to see folks - but also this is my work studio, and it's hard to foster a "batten down the hatches and get things done" mentality when there is so much through-put. I wish I had a little cave to go to, so I could concentrate on the business. I suppose that will happen again when I am gainfully employed again, at some point.

Lots of drama the past week. I feel like there's been no shortage of drama in and around my life in the past year, really. It's interesting, I will admit, but it's also a draining thing. I feel like I never really can have any interest in merely watching television since it's so much less interesting than the ultimate interactive situation of being square-in-the-middle of a whole bunch of crazy business. It is funny to hang out with a bunch of my friends who worship the tube though (funny but, kinda boring after a little while). I guess just the same, they get pretty tired of hearing me rant and rave about the business scene and all my plans and whatever else.

I am pretty invested into the things I have been involved with, I feel like I am always looking at it and picking it all apart and trying to fix it, make it better, tweak the big picture, get the most bang for my buck, evolve the foundation of things. Being involved in the beginning of anything is just such an undertaking, and it's very thrilling, but also I kind of wish I had a little ability to back off from it a bit more (mentally). I guess you don't ever really get that luxury when you are trying really hard to cultivate anything - a business, a kid, a relationship - you dip in and out as necessary but you always need to be on hand with a monkeywrench in order to deal with the maintainence of the base of it all. I guess maybe that's a strong aspect of my personality too, in everything (small or large) I have ever worked on, and I suppose it's foolish to say I don't have a degree of pride in that, then..

I have been seeing some strange things lately, in a lot of the social aspects of my life - as I get older, I am more aware of things between different people and how they deal with one another. It's funny, "things are never how you think they are," maybe I am just very niave, innocent, whatever.. some might say stupid - I prefer to think that I am a little too neurotic for my own good, but a good part of my brain is burned out/numb from too many years of BS that it's just easier to slough things off sometimes and just say "oh the hell with it." This is dangerous, in small and big ways, and there's real ramifications of this philosophy - but I am not sure I just have it in me to put up with certain things anymore, I just kind of let stuff wash over me and a few passes in, then it just feels like - it's easier not to care about that bullshit. Again, I am not proud of this, but I only have so much energy to deal with however many things (career, relationships, friendships, family stuff) that after enough time has passed it's just like "okay. Whatever. I am just gonna stick to the script I have here. If anyone else wants to piss all over it, fine, I don't have enough time to rewrite this thing." Maybe I am setting myself up for some big collapse. What else can I do-

Okay my mood is a little lousy these days, I really need a good strong jolt of good news, I need some positive validation (beyond mere well-wishing) on a somewhat big scale to sort of energize me. I always take pleasure in the little things, maybe I should just keep trying to concentrate on that. Eyes on the prize..

partially awake

Friday night, 7PM - I sit here at my desk, my face is getting red from leaning far and hard on the right side against my knuckles. It's very warm in here (got to be the high 80s) and I am lethargic and sleepy.

Should have got more work done today, but after yesterday's all-day meeting (and what's been leading up to it) I am a little burned out. In fact I am just tired of working on much right now - any by-the-numbers stuff I can pick up, I jump on, so it can be brainless and eat away at the time.

Things are alright, it's been a bit of a strange week - not a bad one, just strange, in a few ways. This Autumn heatwave has been taking a toll, driving lethargy, flattening my mood. My job search is flat as well, yielding nothing (I still send out applications weekly). Thankfully the unemployment is still helping out (that's a BIG thankfully!) but it is not enough to keep me going - I need income pronto. Our game is still coming along, as best as can be expected - we've got over some big hurdles, more to come of course, mostly some design touches and marketing flourish, and a whole ton of fluff - as well some technical wizardry - but overall I am excited with it. The iPhone market pisses me off and so I try not to think too much in those terms. Make a good product and put it out in the world, be as supportive as possible but don't think too much on getting solid compensation, at least for the time being.

Drifting through wikipedia, in some ways one of the best things one could ever hope to stumble across. It's making me feel a little bad, disconnected, I am reading about French Literature. I haven't paid much mind to any kind of literature in I could not tell how long, but there was a not-so-brief period in my life - dipping in and out - when reading (things that weren't just junk) was rather important to me. I would like to steer back towards that, but as with everything else, it seems like it must sit on a shelf until my life changes up.

I say that about a lot of things, making it sound like "there's just no time for certain things that I want to do," when in fact I do have plenty of time, technically, for a lot of things that I would prefer to occupy myself with. I feel like I have become horrible at managing my personal time in many ways, after all of these years - I have let a lot go lax, I am very adept at burning time in stupid ways, I am not sure how to put this. My personality has kind of dried up in some ways and it's easy to just sit back and let time (and my mind) waste, or at least concentrate on irrelevant things. I don't consider myself a lazy person, I feel it is a circumstance of lifestyle and culture among other things. I don't know how to shock myself out of that, or even if that happened if I wouldn't just revert to the usual mode. As I mention it, I don't feel particularly bothered about it though, "that's just how it goes" I guess this is symbolic of the notion that somehow my life needs a serious kickstart. Ah well. I can't feel too bad about it, as I am still quite a workaholic-

half alarming

sat nite. 11 thirty. sitting at my desk, listening to loveline (was) and kcrw (now). maybe turn it off now cause it is kind of annoying-

things are alright. the usual ups and downs. i've got no marvelous or terrible news to report lately, things are just going on as they usually do. It's nearly the middle of the month, right about now is when I am supposed to begin sending my applications out to God knows where in search of employment (empowerment!) - I have decided to drag that out a little longer for various reasons. Not to sound like I am stalling, it does make sense though - our new iPhone game "FlipSide" is coming along very well and I'd rather continue pouring a strong effort into that, than hamstring it. We got a new build today (it's been nearly 3 weeks since the first one!) and it's coming along quite well! Otherwise, things are as follows - 1st iPhone game "iFist" sales are flat, which is unfortunate, though not unexpected and certainly not the end of the world. Funny, it already feels like so much has happened since the days we worked on that project - I guess, a lot of things have--

I am talking with a few other people about working on various other projects, some come, some go, nothing is killing it right now and so I can't really get too sucked up into any particular vessel for my enthusiasm (other then Ben + my project). It's good to have any kind of forward momentum on those other fronts, however. I will say this - and it's a little odd to write - I have been out of a studio gig for 8 months now, this is getting on to be one of my longer periods of prolonged unemployment (2001-2002 still takes the cake!) But, at this point my nerves are suitably fried that I don't feel too terrible at the thought of possibly never returning to "what used to be my career," as far as being involved in any typical studio job. I've had enough of this. I am not saying I want to leave the industry, but at it's current state it's justgetting more difficult to stomach and I don't mind running a freelance operation, smalltime independant development, whatever - it's nice doing business on my own terms - so long as I can keep making a living. That, these days, is the difficult part - but I will keep at it until something happens to make me think differently.

Hung out a bit lately with a friend who's been operating under a similar philosophy for some years now, it gives me a little hope that "you can be successful in this fashion," yeah it's a bit more scraping by from time-to-time (sometimes, for extended periods) but it is not completely unreasonable. Sigh, we will see what happens with all of this once the ecnomy "magically" turns around. The other side of it is that my industry, though it's a big cluster-f right now, is still rather rife with opportunity in different capacities, in spite of the collapse of the rest of our delicate economy. So we will see how this plays out.It is interesting (when is it not?)

Partying a bit lately, I don't think that's a good term to describe it, more like throwing booze down my gullet in order to try to forget everything, it's been some years of this by now. The last couple days were a little busy with it, fortunately I can do it without making it expensive (otherwise, can't do it) and it's a nice escape - in some ways. I'd like to turn that aspect of my life around, I don't know how to express this. I can't give up what I enjoy about the night life, but I don't like the drained and blasted leftover feeling it leaves me with. I guess that part of me always finds a way to get along with the other side of me, but I think both of them are getting pissed about some of the same things by now. Anyway, I don't really do much more than once or twice a week which is good I guess, though to be honest I don't really do this because "I am excited to" anymore. It's just there.

Things have been kinda dramatic in and around the social parts of my life lately, again it's one of those things "I kind of need a little of that energy" versus "I am getting older, crankier, more ornery, and tired of the same old bullshit." It's true, I am starting to feel a little whacked-out in the head in some ways. I mean I always knew it was there, in some kinda cartoony way or other, but in the recent years it just kinda hits me how pronounced it can be, even subjectively. Still I admit that ultimately, such things are normal - I think a lot of us feel similar and express it to one another as we get on in years (well, mid-thirties will do it). You see it in yourself, you see it in other people around you. Maybe there's a huge chunk of "unbelievably normal and boring people" out there too, and maybe I am that for a large chunk of "truly unruly and crazy people." I guess I am not that whacked - I am not a drug addict or anything like that..

I ate a mexican wrap and turned on the TV tonight, it's weird to turn on the TV. I really don't watch much of it at all the past - TEN YEARS, as noted so often in this journal. Being so detached from it just makes it so much weirder when I do tune in, to any capacity. After working in production, looking at any kind of project just looks like stupid low-brow crap that some pissed-off group of people shat out to satisfy this blind, bored audience. I feel like TV could actually be worthwhile, and in fact possibly other countries might have it more figured-out than we do (I suspect, don't actually know that this is true) Our junk culture bleeds through this though, and even the sophisticates wallow in it. I don't mean to sound like I am all high-and-mighty, I work in videogames which is levels of trash below the established system of TV in so many ways - I consider games (even my "beloved retro stuff" a bunch of junk in a big way as well, though there is certainly lots of potential in what games are (and could become) as well. And I suppose if things were different and I was in the creative end of some TV or film production, I could wrap my mind around that stuff as well and find "my thing in it" which would likewise give my life and career validation through such a route. Anyway, the point is, TV is gross and horrible and celebrates a lot of things that confound me. But I guess it's necessary, like religion - and star wars..

I write so much lately, I am happy to be finding myself contributing to this personal blog somewhat regularly now. It's been a long time since I've had any kind of straightness with it, and it's not gonna get back like it was, but I still feel this is really useful and I am sure I will get some kind of a kick (good, or bad?) to look back at it someday.

In closing, want to mention that today, Sept 12 was my brother's birthday, happy birthday Neal - even though you are not reading this! I suppose you could possibly read through some of this years from now, if I die before you and you need to find whatever remnants I have left behind in the world to have as a substitute, but I think it's probably a long shot to expect that you will outlive me (my bro is perpetually sick and physically troubled in some way or other at any given time) I am not trying to make jabs at him, for all the things in the world I wish he would just wake up some morning and say "Hey! I feel GREAT!" But he probably has the same opinion about me so I guess we are equal.

As for being a sourpuss, and being a stubborn pain-in-the-ass - screw it, it drives me and makes me work hard and process the world in my way, whatever that means. It got me where I am and wherever the hell it is that I am going, and that's worked well (enough) to this point that I donn't know if I could change it if I wanted to. So long as everyone else is happy (enough) around me, then that rubs off on me as well and we are all good.

so bright

Hello there. I am up late (very very late) as I am doing laundry, and don't wanna leave it in the machine 'cause it will get all wrinkled.

So, things are alright. where do I begin? First of all, I am very very tired. it's almost 5am and I would love to be unconcious right now, I do find myself getting sleepier lately - I wonder why, I can think of a couple of reasons (for example, my body's rhythms are generally pretty warped, lately). I finished up "the Master Cleanse," I quit it early as I was starting to feel kind of gross (constant headaches, feeling more sluggish, throat was getting tight and achey). I made it 7 days I believe, I could have gone a few more days (today would have been the final day) but I had things I needed to be responsible for and so I had to duck out of it early. No matter - maybe I will try it again at some point, though I can feel some effects from it right now (like I said, my rhythms are out of whack). Most notably, my appetite has markedly diminished-

It was a strange week, I was in an office all week helping out (what I could) for that startup. It was an interesting experience - just like a waking dream, actually. "A job that wasn't," though it was nice to be sitting in an office for a few days, at this point I can say I know what else to expect. Hopefully a real job will come of it, though I have learned by now not to expect such things. I look forward to receiving some enlightening news in the next week or so, we will see what happens. Long story short, if it picks up and means I have some income again, then the sooner = the better!

Our iPhone game is nearly two weeks into it's release now, it's all slowed way down - I believe we are getting a couple of sales a day, if that. It's a bit disconcerting, though it feels good to have the app out and be working on the next one. Watching the day-to-day of the Appstore scene can be very discouraging in many ways, and the sheer volume of apps releasing is just more and more overwhelming. All that being said, I am very excited to move forward with the development of FlipSide and see how it turns out. A lot of the nuts and bolts of this new game are figured out and mid-execution on my end, so I just need to continue with the follow-through and see where it goes. I am still excited to see how this thing will perform in reality, as opposed to just conceptually in my head.

I went out last night for drinks with my friend Jake, after visiting with my other friend Justin who'd been in from out of town (he moved to Australia some months ago) - so it was a pretty packed evening. I had a really good time, if a little tiring - I feel a little bad for going out and spending a little bit of money on boozing, but honestly I haven't really got to go out and do that in what seems like an extremely long time. It was just nice to get out with another guy and not have to deal with anything, at all, except shooting the breeze and kicking back a couple of Guinesses. Can't really ask for too much more from a Friday night!

Well I should wrap up in here, laundry should be ready soon. Hopefully the week will bring good news, or at least just stay mellow (and in another weeks' time, I will be glad if I've not replaced the few pounds - 8 or so - I have shed in the past couple of weeks).

hello

Hello blog. You stupid, STUPID BLOG.

Man, I never write in this thing anymore. I guess there's a few good reasons for that - really busy all the time, not tremendously happy, and busy if I hadn't mentioned it before. Not to sound like a downer, I mean things will get better - 2009 is just quite draggy in general for a lot of people. Pardon me if I repeat myself.

I notice not many people look at this thing anymore (I used to get a fair amount of hits!) which is fine with me, I really only like to write in this thing for myself in order to track what's going on in my own life over time - it is therapeautic to put stuff in here, and helpful (somehow) to go back and read it later. I feel if I let too much time pass in between entries, then I am not doing a good job of following through with the reason I even keep this. Amazing how I am geting on 5 years of maintaining such a (semi-steady) journal, however.

Life is okay. It's a little hairy but I am hanging in. Awfully busy, as usual. This year, while not a "wonderful time," has taught me many lessons and forced me to deal with a lot of different roles. It's definitely been some trying times - and as I get older and wiser, I can only see more of that coming more frequently and heavier. I guess I always figured as one aged, they'd get more into their groove and overall things would just come more naturally, smoother. Maybe for some people, depending on their situation. I don't mean to make it sound like "ohhh my life is full of hardships!" but I've definitely missed some kind of cutoff where "the big plan would be all figured out." I guess I can take a fair amount of solace in the fact that many of my contemporaries seem to be going through the exact same shenanigans - so it isn't just me!

My friend Ben and I launched our first iPhone game this past week, at last - it was a lot of stress getting it out the door, and doing a 2-man project is definitely quite demanding. Interestingly, putting together the actual game wasn't much effort at all, after all these years that stuff comes easy. Writing a design and putting together assets, all while maintaining a low technical overhead, is really old hat to us at this point. The big issue was dealing with all the other stuff - all the marketing, promotion, social networking, just for our little project. That's never really been much of an issue in my life before, except of course when I am "selling myself" (as a brand, essentially) while looking for a job. In that way, I suppose it wasn't too much of a stretch. Anyway, it was very gratifying to figure that stuff out, and get some coverage in the videogame news world - it feels so weird and wonderful to type the game's name into a search engine and see it pop up at all these places where I'd not specifically fought tooth and nail to just sumbit it to, seeing the little drawings I did show up in thumbnailed images. Sure I have worked on games before and had stuff pop up all over the place, but that was always dealt with by someone else at that point after I handed my work off. This was a different kind of gratification.

Anyway our new game "iFist" has been out nearly a week now, like I said getting good reviews and all but - man - the iPhone market is not easy to crack, getting people to spend money on ANYTHING is such a tall order. It makes me a little queasy about our follow-up, but at the same time I feel more properly directed now. As of this moment (about 5 days) I am not sure if we've got 50 sales - I intend to break 1,000 sales of the follow-up game. I guess I had better get workin'.

So we are doing this Master Cleanse diet right now, me and May and a bunch of our friends. I am not sure if this is one of the stupider things I have done in my life, as it's essentially a 10-day liquid diet. No food, at all! Just this mixture of lemonade, maple syrup, cayenne pepper, and water. It is interesting. Ever morning when i wake up I need to down a tall glass of salt water to shit out whatever's sitting left-behind in my bowels, to "flush out the toxins" - whatever that means. To be honest, the reason this sounded appealing to me is because I have such terrible eating habits (lots of Burger King) and I do booze way too much (even if I am not paying for it!) This seemed like a good excuse to kind of shock myself out of the routine. We'll see how it goes. It's early into Day 3 right now and I feel alright - pretty normal, really - I do kind of "miss" eating, but as I've been out of work for many months I don't really eat things that I enjoy much, anyway. Also, I kind of eat out of boredom or frustration - I know, it sounds sorta pathetic. So we'll see what happens. It would be nice (hell it would be WONDERFUL) to lose my gut, but I have any illusions about this. I usthpe I don't mess my system up or something-

I have started working with a small start-up in the valley. It's interesting, and it has got potential, but of course I am rather sketched about it. These things are really difficult to call, as has been the case in the past "sometimes you want something so badly, that you kind of look past the parts of it that don't add up in hopes that it will just somehow 'work out okay.'" Well, I think lots of people fall into that trap at some point in their lives, and I guess it kind of goes hand-in-hand with the saying "nothing ventured, nothing gained." Sometimes you've just got to roll the dice and see what comes up. At this point, I've done it a few times in a row ad it's been coming up sort a flat - and now faced with the current situation, whereas in the past I would have been all guns-blazing excited, now I am just kind of weary and tired. It's a nice prospect and certainly I'd love to see it follow-through - as it seems like a short-term commitment (to see if it's legit or not) I guess I can hang out for awhile. 'Cause honestly, otherwise, I really just have to pack up all my shit (or sell it, really) and get out of town and start my life (gulp) over somewhere else in search of a fresh opportunity. This land is pretty barren!

Well, it is the weekend. I have to take a shower, then batten down and get cranking on iPhone game #2. I am very eager to make headway with it, and there's a nice easy blueprint to work from. It's pretty well-figured-out and only needs to be executed, the thing is that after the last game I need to really hit it the hell out of the park aesthetically. Off we go, then..

pour one out for good old me

hello and welcome! It is Sunday afternoon, I sit here fresh out of the shower, enjoying the heat of a dead of summer in Hollywood. It's just a hair shy of 100 degrees out there. I don't believe in cranking he AC unless it's unreasonably hot (too hot to think) so between the fan blowing and a nice little breeze, it's not that bad, just kind of thick.

A weird time in my life right now, happy and sad at the same time - as I've been going on about for some time now. Trying my best to make lemonade out of lemons, and it's working out quite well in that regard. I just creeped past 6 months out of work, which is a weird thing- but I'm not missing being stuck in that hole of "a bad project and things falling apart all around me" so much. I do miss my friends however, the gang I used to hang out with down in Irvine. This is what happens when your job ends abruptly, a lot of your friendships kind of shrivel up, maybe I am used to that thought. It's not like I haven't got enough company in my immediate neighborhood, but you know.

Spending my hours being extremely busy, what with the art tests and such to chase down gainful employment, as well as working on my own thing as well. Ben and I are working hard to establish Headcase Games, it's a LOT of work but it's very rewarding - every day outr little project just looks better and more polished, and now we are at the point where it is finally ready to go out the door, in fact it may already have been submitted (by him) to the App Store. This project has been very fruitful in what we've learned, I am excited to put it out into the world and get moving on #2!

In addition to working like a madman, I have been quite busy socially as well. Again, thanks to the HUGE graces of my friends I have been going out and living a little, taking in a movie here or a few drinks there. It makes me feel horrible to "hey buddy an you spare a dime?" butI totally appreciate it, like I always say "when I get my act together I will repay in kind" - I always do. I also got to put in a kind word fr my folks here, "we won't let you starve," they've been kicking in a little to help me make my rent and keep my bills from getting abominable. If there's one thing in my life I detest, especially at my 34-year-old point I've reached and 12 years of working pretty hardcore in my career, it's being out on my ass so bad - the kinda pathetic feeling that goes along with it- so I appreciate the help, everybody!

I went to a house party yesterday, some friends moved into a new place in the Valley and they invited me to come by to see their digs (invited me and a bunch of other folks! Yup, I have just defined party, very good Ron). It was a great time - I haven't been to a party like that in ages, where the goal is not necessarily to "just get al fucked up," but rather just being social and enjoying a nice afternoon with some like-minded folks, talking about work, society, et cetera. I spent a good deal of the day there (like - 8 hours!) so you know it was a good time! A bunch of folks from Infinity Ward (game developer) were there, many of whom I met for the first time. Super nice bunch of people. Man, it is so nice when a studio knows what they are doing, and doing it well - the happiness you can sense from the people is almost tactile. I have been at so many places where there's just so much frustration and stress and "whyyyyy are we doing this, what the hell!!!!!" that once in awhile, it makes one pause "do I really wann do this at ALL anymore?" So, yes, it is very refreshing to see an example of it being done right..

Those parties are weird to me, I can get a good conversation on as much as anyone - but as the day stretches and people get into certain discussions, there are times when I feel like I am just an alien visiting from a different planet, like I scanned an an instruction manual "how to speak like a human being and here are the basic social norms" but stopped at that point. I guess I can attribute this feeling to the fact that I am not part of the larger cultural consumption/vacuum/whatever you'd call it, I am on the fringe. I do not watch ANY TV, I occasionally see movies (but I never really get too excited about the majority of the mainstream ones), I don't pay any attention to celebrity and such things. I am generally quite disinterested in the overall trash culture we enjoy, and I am not trying to come across elitest because BELIEVE ME I have my own throw-away cultural things that, I guess in some ways they are a little more esoteric, that I get wrapped up enough in. The point is when people start talking about any of that stuff - Lost, WOW, Halo, Britney Spears, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, etc etc my brain kind of goes into Fishtank mode. I feel a little bad about it but then I am not really driven to just pick up into that stuff, it is just not me and I am so far removed from it by now. And honestly, the things I AM into are more than compelling enough that I don't really have any more time to riff on what I consider to just be bullshit, or empty, or uninteresting. Whatever, that's me.. then again I am just some guy who routinely gets blasted beyond belief at the bar, so don't think I perceive myself as being on some important perch or something (or do think that, if it suits you, it doesn't matter to me!)

rewindin-g m-y brai-n

it is sunday night. monday morning. whatever. it's been a very hot weekend, hot like you don't want to go outside out. hot like you don't wanna drive in your no-AC-havin' car hot. hot like i wish i had a pool hot. but not too awful. right now i am a little bit of a mood as it's still quite warm in the apartment, and a powerful skunk smell has stunk up the place. i feel like i made out with a skunk's business end - just to give you an idea how potent.

things are alright. life is really busy right now, and the weekend was very packed. i had a hectic week last week, doing an art test for a job - a really GOOD job that I'd love to get, but I am not really getting my hopes up on it (too good to be true). Of course it was definitely worth the effort (and pouring my heart and soul into that for a few days). A good thing was that I did pick up some valuable new tech savvy on the way through it..

come the weekend, i went out friday night with an old buddy, we went our drinking - which i haven't done in a very long time (last i was out, really, was E3 over a month ago, but different circumstances I suppose). Anyway we had a long night, hit a lot of joints. No trouble though, which was nice. He's getting divorced, and kind of throwing himself back into the life of the "guy who'll go out and socialize." It was interesting.. Anyway Saturday we got up, ate some dim sum in chinatown, hungover, then parted ways.

that night, another friend was celebrating his bday in malibu with a small gathering of people, so I trekked out there to pay my regards. it was fun, always good to touch base with your friends! Unfortunately I couldn't stick around for the drunken shenanigans that were coming, I had to head back to hollywood as my girlfriend's brother was going to celebrate his own birthday, as well, at my apartment (and therefore I'd be hosting). I made it back just in time and got the BBQ all fired up. That gang was nice to hang out with as well, we ate tons of food and drank a bit of booze. Played some Rockband until the sun was coming up.

Today (Sunday) it was decided to have another BBQ as there was plenty of leftovers from the night before. Only a couple of people showed up, but that was nice after all the calamity to enjoy a quite relaxing day with just a couple of friends hanging around. Eat some sausage and chicken, drink a few beers in the sunshine, enjoy some philosophical plumbing. Then some more Rockband, and then wrap-up. And that is it really.

Things are okay. Can't really complain of course, I still need a job and that's not news. I am hoping I can last and not have to raise anchor and get out of LA. I am not really too happy to leave - I have gone on at length about all of that in here already, so no need to cover that ground again. I think I am kind of at my last big push with all that's going on right now, but if things are completely stagnant come this time next month then I might really have to say enough's enough and get a move on, we will see.

Other than the job-hunt, my other business prospects are coming around - in different degrees I suppose. The iPhone stuff is really doing about as well as can be expected, considering that we've yet to launch our project. I keep suspecting "just a few more days and we'll submit to the App Store" but the weeks tend to drag on. Fortunately, the work being done is stuff that'll behoove us in the long run (for other projects) so it is hard to get really wound up in that regard - I'd prefer to knock those things out at the beginning, rather than have a bunch of other things to deal with in fits and starts down the road. I just get nervous as time is passing, and it doesn't wait for no man...

Other than that, I am still dealing with my other group in the console project. I meet with those guys occasionally as things have slowed way down. A few months ago it was red-hot and looking to turn into something exciting - nowadays it's really just that I've tempered my enthusiasm and trying to be realistic and cautious about things. Starting any kind of major-league undertaking is serious business and not something which should be approached lightly or in a trivial manner. I suppose I have learned some lessons from all of this, but I still have some ground that I've yet to cover.

Otherwise, I have some issues in my life that are really eating at me. I have really just tried my damnedest to brush certain things off in the past several years, but lately I can feel some things really causing my nerves to unravel - I guess I have gone through periods of it in the past, and though it was sort of newer and unfamiliar to me in some ways back in those days, at this point I honestly feel I should be old enough to know better at this point! Still, my life goes as it does and I really can't seem to get momentum in the way that I desire - with all the pressing matters deserving my attention, it's really all that I can do just to try and maintain what stability I can - pulling apart all of my deeper-rooted problems just doesn't seem like something I can muster the enthusiasm, hell even the SPACE for right now. I wish I could flick a switch and send it right, sometimes it feels like it could be that easy too. Basically I am a little frustrated with myself.

rollover

sigh. i never have time to blog anymore. where to begin? it's 5am and i have to really, really, really go to be like... ASAP (really).

things are okay. it was a good, although quite long day today. kind of took a day off and just went and moseyed about town with some friends doing random, dorky stuff. good for the head and the heart to get outta town a little bit. we saw the new Transformers movie tonight (yeah, I shouldn't spend $$ at that stuff, but my friends and girlfriend wanted to go, so, ya know). Don't think I've ever gone to a midnight showing of ANYthing before... and man, it was long Like 2+ hours I think!??) but yeh, nice to get out of my mind and reality for a little while (not just partying for a change, that is) I have kinda laid off boozin' it up since E3, which - granted, it's been only a couple of weeks, but for me that's awhile, haha. After being sober for more'n a couple weeks, the desire to go there does kind of fade though. However as reality crushes at you over longer periods of time, it does return with some force..

Working quite hard with my projects, as usual I've got a lot on my plate and trying to manage them all competently. It's hard, but it is getting there. Overall I feel like I am on a good path with what I am up to, just trying to measure it all and keep my decisions solid. That's not always easy, especially as things get more frustrating/tighter as time goes on. With the type of stuff I do, it gets quite demanding and really the only way to get something close to cinching is to reduce all my background noise and concentrate, really, on a single thing. However with what I do, it proves quite valuable to have may irons in the fire, as they say, so I am not too keen on just letting everything else fall completely by the wayside. You can't have it both ways; there's got to be some compromise. The trick comes in balancing whatyou can sensibly, and cutting the rest before it starts to wreck your overall gameplan. It's tough...

Not much else to say really. A lot of stuff in my head as usual - after today's break, I know it is imperative to get down and dirty with the work I need to do and so look forward to living and breathing my work for the next week+. I will do the best I can, it's good to have things to pour myself into. Though at 6 months out of work, I am finding I really need some kind of compensation for the things I have been putting my efforts into (a lot of efforts!) Here's hoping for some good news soon - I don't have any amazing expectations, but I will keep fighting the good fight..

sullen sunday evenings

hello bloggery bloggnesstification, what the devil brings you here today?

getting on 2 weeks since i visited this place and figured it was time for an update--

so it's past mid-way thru June 2009, that's a little remarkable. If you'd asked my brain where it was, or when rather, it would have sworn there's no way it was later than the 12th. It's a little remarkable, in a bad way, how time is passing quite quickly. I feel like I am somehow in a sort of suspended animation, or whatever sounds like that -

Late mid-June means it is time to think about coughing up for rent and bills, didn't I just do that already? As I am out of work for several months now it is getting harder and harder to manage that. I have some prospects to get some money down the road, I hope, but not sure when or exactly how it'll float since jobs aren't exactly banging down my door. The sad reality is that i must seriously think about moving out of my apartment soon, since it's just getting too expensive to maintain this status of lifestyle on merely an unemployment-funded income (and that money source is due to expire in the not-too-distant future as well). Few things rattle me more than considering giving up my apartment, it's definitely one of the few status symbols I have to show for my decade of killing myself working in this truly godforsaken industry - but hey, that's the way the cookie crumbles. I will have to decide this stuff soon.

Despite my somber tone, things aren't too bad - the economy and job market are ripped to shreds of course, but I am doing the best I can not to take it personally. Still working quite hard and lining up whatever business I can get my hands on, when it's sensible. That's actually a tall order, as there's a lot of BS business that one can so easily get wrapped up in as well. Still, trying to point straight and proper to get myself a little better situated. One thing I am devoting much time to is organizing this whole iPhone thing, it's a burgeoning new(er) market than what's typically been for videogames but it's also right stupid - I mean - there's a dearth of quality software on there, but what there is, is mucking around at "something for almost literally nothing" prices. It's basically likea lottery system these days, and I can't say for sure whether or not that's a bad thing considering. Anyway, it's all I have got right now, so get on it.

I have been spending uber-amounts of time not only designing and arting for apps, but setting up much of the administrative backend as well. Part of the whole iPhone market scheme is the actual new market itself, and all the rules and tools that involves. I am a pretty grassroots guy in this, meaning I haven't any money (at all) to invest in marketing dollars, so in order to get any kind of eyeballs on my product it's gotta be a whole bunch of DIY and guerilla marketing, no small feat in that. Basically I have spent umpteen hours grazing around on social networking sites like myspace, twitter, and youtube, just digging around and trying to get my shots in where I can, and this with nothing to even show yet, really. It's absolutely been an experience, and a strange one at that. I feel like the cybernetic equivalent of an indie-band manager or something. It's getting a little momentum, for whatever it's worth - by the time the apps are ready to roll out, I will hopefully have the possibility of a good couple thousand connections in some degree or other, maybe twice that, maybe 1/3 of that, it's hard to tell - but with just time invested, not a fat wad of cash. So we will see, it's an interesting experiment and a lot of upkeep to be sure. Every step is crucial.

In all of that, I have been spending an inordinate amount of time sitting right here in front of my PC, I would say even more than normal - even after all these years, it's having a dramatic effect on me, I can feel myself subhumanizing in some ways, it is getting kinda gross. Thankfully my mood's not in the crapper, but I do feel less like a "normal person" when most of my activities get relegated to just dealing with sending I/O back and forth over the screen. Is that all the future holds for us really?

Anyway, bottom line is that, as expected, 2009 was obviously gonna be a strange yeara dn right here, at just about the halfway point of the year, it's damned true...!

As the next couple of months roll by, I remain hopeful that things will lighten up a little, come to fruition, what-have-you. I a not the sort who believes in karma or divine retribution or some such, so it's all just luck really with a degree of taking care of the backend support from my side. We will see what happens.

Dash - bored...

Siiiigh, so tired, so tired. What's up gentlemen and gentlewomen? What's new? Tell me, tell me, because.. no one says anything...

It's been some pretty busy times for me lately. Life has definitely been a lot of ups and downs, lots of thought - lots of stress - lots and lots of activity. I have been working extremely hard across all of my projects, they are going well enough for the most part but as I get further in I keep finding more pieces of each to unravel, more aspects which must be dealt with. Kinda one of my more enjoyable parts of - anything, actually, but it's humbling to constantly be facing "now figure this out, now figure THIS out, etc etc." It makes me feel smart, sometimes, as I deal with them, but then I also come to the realization that I am not a mountain, as they say - there's only so much I can bat back at you, until my resolve starts to poop out..

But for all it's worth, I am happy with where I am at, and the results have made me proud. It's still a sloppy trip and taking a toll on me, and consequences are starting to pile up (it's getting extremely hard to balance my checkbook!) and so that means things are actually at stake. I guess I have a love/hate relationship with pressure, really, and that's not news..

In spite of it, been partying some lately, though more out of necessity in some ways (I know, "boo hoo") than merely of being wound up and having to go do bad things. Well, the game convention was front and center in town last week so it's impossible to brave that and NOT end up on my ass, really.. and so that all led up to some really memorable moments in my life, to be honest.. but now it is time to really settle back down and deal with the business at hand. Though to be honest, it was nice stepping out of reality for a few moments there.

Some tough nights, bad dreams - my ego is a little bruised lately, and spilling out from my subconciousness during those off-hours, I wake up the next morning feeling anything but rested, in spite of my "pressure cravings"I really do look forward to taking the edge off. Sigh, once in awhile I kind of come out of the fog of my life and things feel so clear about what to do, and I actually start down that path. But then, being a person really means you are good at seeking out what will make things more difficult, and so I tend to slip back into that side of things as well (I really feel for anyone who reads this, it sounds like I am some Heroin junkie who's got an unbelievable jonesing gnawing at them...) Yeah okay, my problems aren't quite that colorful. But they really are pretty normal, which I'd have no matter what at this stage of life.. Money. Women. Love. Career. Losing some weight. Not downing that pair of Jager shots. Keeping my car/apartment/etc. all from falling to pieces. Maintaining some normal exercise. Yeah - all pretty normal stuff I guess, and there's not much wrong in that light (especially these days). but I am getting older, and there's some things that I am just damned tired of, some things that seem like they should be so outrageously simple to figure out, and logically it's cake but in the real world it's just a freakin' mess, man... Ah well. Welcome to mid-thirties. At least everyone else I am surrounded by, is goddamned nuts as well...

fight the light

hallo hallo. what's up? didn't i wite in this thing very recently? i don't even remember..

things are alright. I am slipping into the phase where "i don't have a job so the hours I keep are all crazy," that means it is 5am and I am up typing in my freakin' blog. should just be asleep like the rest of the world (well, on this coast).

I am okay, stressing a bit lately but I guess my nerves can handle it. my money is officially --all gone-- and that really makes everything more difficult - as usual I am doing the best I can to scrape by, many of my friends have been pithing in to buy me beer and food here and there (for which I am very grateful). It makes me feel like a shitty deadbeat though, and I really hope things will turn around for the better pronto. Hope only goes so far-- anyway applying all over (local) for jobs right now, but it's such a shitty time to be looking for work that i nearly feel like it's useless - though of course, it is NEVER useless!! On the bright side, some things with my "side projects," wichI guess would be considered my "front ad center projects," are developing at an appreciable enough pace that I don't feel utterly pointless and frustrated, in fact it sort of isa weird situation now - I kind of feel apathetic about drifting back into my industry in the same capacity i'd been, in lieu of the "bold new direction." That's a tough path though, but hey - all the damn paths are tough!

Anyway on the bright side of that, and I know I repeat myself - my creative side is working overtime in expressing itself, I am getting a lot of very useful ideas for projects to do under these new developments. If I can swing it, and the timing works out - and a little luck never hurts - then I might find myself in a pretty nice position. But hell, at this point in my life I've learned never to expect such things. Youjust do the best you can and try your hardest to make the odds and ends all match up, keep tabs on everything, and try as best you can to cover your back for when a big chunk of things eventually fall apart anyway..

A crazy lady in the Walgreens started talking to me this afternoon. It was sad and strange - living in Hollywood I gotta say I am not a stranger to such things, but it's unusual enough that I can mention it in my journal, here.. Anyway we talked a little, I could tell she was A. either on something or B. her brain was just generally fried from too many years of already being on PLENTY of somethings. I looked in her eyes, something you generally wanna avoid doing withthe crazy people (but we were both waiting in line, and I was humoring myself) and it was creepy, she just had this dead emptiness.. that spark that most people usually have was pretty long-since glazed over, at least in my unprofessional opinion (though I think anyone who is reading this can probablysurmise where I am coming from). Anyway we didn't get into it, when I was younger I might be more fascniated by the crazies but these days I'd generally prefer to be left alone. I could tell that one time, long ago, she was probably pretty hot back in the day.. I love Hollywood, but it's a gnarly and dreary place to a lot of people..

E3 next week! God, just get it over with.. at least I can eat some bacon-wrapped ghetto dogs...

up ahead

4:30am. no good reason to be up. not being very productive. hell i should really go to sleep.

i am in the middle of 30 things right now - is it bad if i leave all of them behind and just drive until my gas tank explodes?

washed my car, found a (precious) parking spot - walked in the door and I immediately got sent out for McDonald's. That was pretty much the deep end of the evening. Also my girlfriend and I spent awhile "discussing our relationship" (isn't it always fun?) I am supposed to be editing sound files right now, but I think I am going to just wrap up and get some sleep instead - after all, tomorrow is another day..

surfing around facebook when you've got no job/money/direction is not a happy thing..

it's not true, i DO have a direction. Actually in the past two days, I put together a decent new idea for an iPhone app - I roughed it out in my head while lying around, and today my biz partner and I discussed it and essentially filled in the blanks. I can't wait to mock it up and get it of the ground - I think this one's got some good potential!

the chase is on

what's up whirled.

ron here. still plugging away. life is alright, i don't really feel like journal-entering much these days but i feel it's important - as usual, for my own edification, at least - to dip in and out.

times are tough lately. it's been nearly 4 months since i have been out of work. Fortunately i am receiving an unemployment check every couple of weeks, but it's so close to the wire that i can't maintain my minimum lifestyle on that alone - i need a job! I do have expenses beyond rent+utilities+food, i have lots of meetings every week which requires gas, meals, and a a little petty bit of money for this equipment or that. (it's terribly petty, but still worth mentioning). in spite of things i have been EXTREMELY busy, and quite prolific in that - i think i have mentioned it recently. when i am out of work and stressed i definitely get so "gosh-darned creative" and my imagination cranks into overtime, which is definitely a usefl thing. must find a way to funnel that!! I am working on it..

in that vein, i am definitely pouring out my energies into a lot of avenues (some may accuse me of being too unfocused, and they wouldn't be necessarily wrong). It's a hard time in my life to maintain focus though, but really i am trying the best I can. it feels good to have many irons in the fire, i never like operating with all of my eggs in one basket (if there's any more metaphors out there which i have missed, please forward them to me). anyway i have got to just keep up and doing what i do..

after spending an inordinate amount of time concentrating on indie efforts, i have turned my attentions back towards securing fulltime work with some studio or other. right now i am not being so picky, so long as it pays (more than margnally) better than unemployment and can help me secure things with my short-term financial issues, then i will feel relieved. i definitely had some very promising opportunities which have passed during this period, that was a choice i made - of course i wish they were still on the table (i am not stoooopid!) but i can't beat myself up for not bending over backwards for every half-decent thing that comes down the pipe, there's only so much a single person can do.. anyway i maintain that my work/attitude is good enough to land me somewhere that my talents can be appreciated and well-utilized, it's not necessarily got to be "the very next gig" but i would like to see it happen sooner rather than later. it's been a long time coming, eh? Anyway it's up to me really.

i started sending out my cover letter and resume to a few places once more. I sent one over to Blizzard, king of kings in the games biz these days - they seem to be hiring lots of people for positions lately. i don't particularly expect to hear back from them, but it certainly never hurts to send out a message. I can see myself sitting down at the table with a lot of them for some grinding interview, we get three questions in and they start asking me insane tech stuff about WOW and i come up short - it's a little too late to play catch-up with the hardcore - but hey, maybe they want a little of that, you never know! Whatever, I have plenty of insane tech stuff about this/that/the other thing floating through my head all day anyway.

Also sent an application to the guys who share a building location with my previous employer, there's a hilarious proposition. I have no idea if i'd get a call from them, but it would certainly be hilarious to work only a few flights up from a bunch of my old buddies.. I am sure they have their reservations about hiring people who worked with their neighbors, but you never know.

Still would love to get back into film, i can completely picture in my head what i'd need to do to make a splash on that side. MAN that would be nice. A guy can dream! When things cool down I'll likely start pouring my heart and soul into that end of things.. trying to be careful not to split my time and energy between too many projects these days...

what else to say, as usual there's a billion thoughts racing through my head. it's a tough time in my life, a good time and bad time simultaneously - i feel pretty numb about most of it, i have really been through this cycle so many times by now that it just feels so perfunctory, so normal. i used to wake up in the morning, years ago, when i didn't have a paid gig and i'd just stare at my feet sticking out the other end of the bed and listen to all of the traffic outside, all the people outside rushing around, delivering things, meeting people, making deals, couriering shit. It made me feel so out of the loop, so useless, kind of pointless, hard to motivate - directionless. okay you get the point. These days, every day, I bound out of bed, I have TONS of things to do, leads to follow, designs to plunk down, assets to art, meetings to schedule, ego's to juggle, plans to setup, my social life to keep from falling apart - there's so much to do, it's so busy, i still haven't had a day to really sit on my ass and just chill the hell out. Hey, do I sound like i am on CRACK?

yes i am a cruel mean guy

Yeah. Yeah I am. yeah.

Tired. Sleepy. I am sitting here trying to do work (and getting a little sidetracked) - my girlfriend is watching one of those latenight TV shows (Jimmy Fallon) with Elmo as a guest. It's very invigorating, trust me.

Life is alright. Super busy. I am hustling like a madman right now. Every day I hop in my car and drive here, there, or somewhere in between to meet this dude or that cat. It's good to keep running around, making contacts, finding leads, talking about plans - helping me get a little more confidence in what it is I am trying to do, none of it is really hard but of course the climate is a little peculiar right now (you know, what with everyone being jobless and broke and everything). But hey. It's a life.

I have been hitting the little comedy theater up the road from me lately. it's such a nice little sidestep out of my usual routine, I am so glad to have that stuff in my life. Five bucks and a night out with my friends for a couple of hours of standup in their tiny little closet of a place - yes it is quite intimate. We usually bring a couple of sixpacks in there (makes it crappy when you gotta run to the toilet in-between sets!) but really, it's one of the nice little perks of being out here! We hit the neighborhood bar next door to have some drinks, eat some wings and shoot the breeze after - then after my girlfriend and her buddy called it a night, the rest of us piled into a cab van and shot over to cinespace for some madness dancing. Still my favorite club! They always have a DJ up front and a band or something going on in back - the dude in back (dunno who it was) was actually putting on a really energetic set, I enjoyed it! I ran onstage like in the old days, the bouncer wasn't too keen on that but I get down before he decided to kick me out (which is good. I haven't got kicked outta space in a long time. It's not a nice feeling!) We headed home after the place closed, ordered pink dot (yay cigarettes and pizza at 3am!) and played Jenga. A good night!

Gonna try and do some more work then call it a night. I didn't get much zzz's the last couple of days-

dying in s-t-y-l-e

what's up, blog that I never use anymore. Hey, it's true. I have other things to do these days!

Honestly, I had been rather prolific on this thing, but lately this (and the other) are fairly neglected. I attribute it to being really busy, tired of whining, and feeling like there's a lot going on in my life that I should probably keep mum about. So, then.

Things are alright. it's been two months since I've been out of work (again). It's a weird feeling, still not a happy one (I have bad dreams.. a lot!) but it is bittersweet. As I have said, I was not very happy with the path I was one, and hopefully my new direction can be a much more positive one. It is hard to say though - all I can do is work hard, try to make the best decisions I can, and keep my outlook positive and constructive.

The week was really busy (they all are!) I am running around these days, a lot - but I have had some time to sit in front of the PC and mess with actual work stuff, which hasn't been bad. There's a little comedy theater up the street from my house (when I say "little" I mean "the size of your closet") and it's a treat to head over there now and again, pick up a six-pack, and enjoy some nerdy comedy once in awhile so I can forget about the things that ail me. A group of us went there Tuesday night, it was a lot of fun - then, powered by a bit of booze, my friend MVG and I headed to Cahuenga and Hollywood to drown our misery (we did a good job of it), got home somehow...

Thursday night I was invited to a Passover Sedar (my first one in... 9 years!!!!), which was certainly interesting. I got to read the Four Questions, my hebrew was (ahem) rather rusty. But hey, y'know. The food was REALLY good! Overall, it did strike a chord and reminded me very much of being a kid and attending those. Afterward my friends coaxed me out for some drinks at the neighborhood bar- the night got a little dramatic, after the rambunctious evening that was Tuesday night, I decided to take it slower and didn't go over-the-top with partying (I didn't have the mood for it!). The high point was going back to my place and plugging in the Super Nintendo and walloping my buddy in Street Fighter 2. Man - I miss the good old days. I still have to say that one of my favorite things in the world is coming back from a wild night and playing some games with my friends, it's not something that really happens in my life much anymore - but when we do, I completely enjoy it.

On that note, I will take an aside for one moment and say that I don't like the current trend towards online play. I admire the tech, and I can completely understand why it is popular (and necessary, even) - but I will never get the same enjoyment out of playing a game vs. another human when they are not actually right there beside me, it feels kinda pointless to me, personally. I guess that's my old-fashioned-ness kicking in.

Furthermore, I can completely not enjoy video games at all like I would if it were not my profession. I can never "go back," but I just wanna say that those of you out there who turn to such things for recreation, in a way I do envy you...!

----------------------------------------------------

Facebook. Everyone in the damned world is on Facebook now. Even me (my girlfriend decided that this would happen!) Arriving late to the party on Facebook is a strange feeling indeed - now that Myspace, which was once the hip domain of us trashy slutty partiers, is completely passe' the world has shifted it's attention to something more malevolent. But, it's strange to look at Facebook. Instead of the blog posts and comments of Myspace, we get plugged into everyone's day-to-day thoughts on FB, it is strange. It's too much! I guess I feel like an outsider since I got in so late - as well, it is just weird to see people on there who never really plugged into myspace and now are totally into that vein, people I know from my past. It's a bizarre feeling, I don't know how to describe it. Makes me feel kind of lonely or something, like I don't belong there (not just the stupid online service, you know what I mean). I am tired of the virtual world, it's doing a good job of replacing the real world and that concerns me. I will keep blogging, not because "I am merely a hypocrite" but rather, I do want to keep a journal of my life that I can look back on (when I get old and boring for REAL). That's really the only part of this that matters much to me anymore, the rest of it is just business.

Tonight we went out for Thai food with May's friend Thao. The food was extremely tasty, I am very fortunate to live in a place where there is such a variety of delicious (and affordable) food available all over the place, and just a short drive away. Hollywood/Los Angeles is a crazy place with lots of ups and downs, but no doubt about it there's a GREAT representation of worldwide culture sampled here, en masse..

Otherwise, the high point of my day was dragging my Hammock into the backlot and resting in the sun for about 20-30 minutes. It was party cloudy today, every time the sun went behind the clouds I'd get chilly and wake up - then a moment or two later it would peek back out, I'd warm up and pass peacefully back out into a relaxed rest. It was short, but pretty nice. It's gonna be a hectic busy week - there's too much stuff to do - and so, I go...

my, it is quiet in here

myspace is pretty dead these days - but i guess it has been for awhile now. everyone who is cool is on facebook!! My girlfriend MADE me get an account there as well (sigh), but honestly - as noted recently, I am rather tired of the online social scene myself. It was novel (and fun) when I was single, sure, and if that was again the case I am sure I'd be more into it. But honestly I just haven't got much time to be surfing around the net these days anyway. It's all business!!

Things are alright. I just passed two months of unemployment. I have most of my middling things taken care of by now, all the little odds and ends that build up in life and seem to sit on the sidelines. Still a couple to handle, I suppose that it will all "never" be leveled out.. Otherwise, life is extremely busy, between meetings and planning and looking towards the future. How do I put this? I feel excited, but it is tempered with stress. I think the naive part of me has finally reached a point where it just wants to say "uncle. ok. just do whatever" and the bitter, jaded part of me sas "noooo! I need you, naive part!" There is usually a very delicate dance between those two, anyway..

My mood is okay, considering the falling-apart sate of the world that you hear in the day-to-day news, I feel like I am keeping a good-enough face. It's hard to ever really get down in Hollywood (contrary to what I have said 1,000 times). Well if it was really true, would I not have left by now? The upside of what's going on (not steady work) is that my social life gets to enjoy some rejuvenation, I am seeing lots of old friends whom I have not been in touch with, for ages.. Usually the topic of discussion is heavily colored by business, but that's what we are about I suppose.

Upsetting dreams last night, dreams about mortality and age - I am feeling older, it's true. I don't like that I am in my mid-thirties and still haven't got to some more established level in my life; at the same time, I acknowledge that I may be somewhat hard on myself, it's one of those "shit, I know kung fu!" things that hits you now and again. Oh if everything were so easy. Anywya in spite of my apparent lack of confidence, I seem to feel strongly that "I know what I am doing, as usual, and it's all according to the plan." I guess I can say more than many, in that regard.

2009 will be an interesting year. It is going to be rough, my head will hurt a lot, and I won't come into much money - likely, less than the previous year, to be honest. But hopefully it's a solid setup for the next few.

slag on

what's up party people. party ass people. yeah that's right, i am talking to you. soooooo.. long time no see.

still unemployed, despite that i am still incredibly busy, i have done a couple of all-nighters in the past couple of weeks. i am working with some fellas on a demo and it's requiring a lot of time and labor - but that's cool! good to keep busy. hopefully i will have some good news outta that at some point.

trying to get out of the apartment when possible, i don't mind being a layabout but i go kinda crazy locked up in my box here. i try to get out to the gym every couple of days (at least!). If I go more than 3 days without showing up i feel guilty, guilty, guilty.. plus i just paid a couple hunnert bucks for a membership (for two years?) so I gotta get mah money's worth!

trying to keep it mellow besides. going out means spending money, and i need to hoard what i can in these times. eating in a lot, obviously i am not much of a snacker (which is good for a few reasons). i wish i could say i was a healthier eater - i am not the worst, of course..! But yeah keeping my extra-curricular activities to a minimum as much as possible. i'd love to go out and get wasted every night (because REALLY.. who wouldn't?) but that's a short trip to a long list of troubles, so nix on that. it's tempting in that "well hell, i don't need to be up arly for work or to be anywhere!" A couple local places have free booze on certain nights which isn't bad (and i can get drunk pretty quickly) so it's, i guess, "nice" to know i can take advantage of that if it comes to it. sigh, what's a derelict to do...

kudos to my friends for taking care of me, a few of them have been spotting me during my period of lack of income - i hate feeling needy, but for those of you who read this, it is MUCH appreciated. I hope you don't consider me a mooch and know that I will always get you back as well (I think I try to do a somewhat decent job of it, when I can..) But yeah, I can't say thanks enough - though I must stress I certainly don't expect it (but if it's there I won't say "i insist, no charity!!") Though if this ends up dragging on for several months (ugh) my attitude will certainly change into a much more hermetic style, for reasons which would make sense...!!!

so i am sitting here a lot, cranking away on my PC every day and night - like I said, there's a LOT of work to be done. I have accomplished much, and feel like I have just barely got started. It is nice being able to merely stroll downstairs at my leisure to get busy, as opposed to (sigh) driving an hour each way for 50 miles each trip, to and from work (not that I am being particular!) but yes - working at home does have it's drawbacks. My PC is always sitting there, in the little nook, looking at me.. "you have things to do." I really wish I had another room or something, anything, to promote separation of work and.. .the rest of my life. Granted, I'd just be holed up in that little room or whatever all the time, but it would make it easier to head over to the couch for a little RnR now and then without thinking "dammit though I can't relax I got THANGS TO DO!!!" Well, I have a hammock, and a backlot, I can setup out there when it gets back to being a little warmer if need be. Nice little respite.

And yes - I am definitely getting crazier as I age. I am - generally - a fairly laid-back guy, to a fault. Really, I think with some of the stuff I have dealt with, not that so much of it is particularly monstrous or anything even faintly approaching, but my nerves have been capsized a good several hundreds of thousands of times now from the stresses of everyday life and such - also I am a Jew, which means I have a tendency to operate on the level of some constant neurosis or other. As I age, these things just exacerbate. And now, bottled up as I am in my little apartment, I feel like the goldfish who keeps growing big enough to just barely fit in the fishbowl. I share this space with my girlfriend, and though I certainly love her, I think we can both sense that "we are here ALL THE TIME TOGETHER." She is there on the couch, mashing away on the keys of her laptop (as I write this .. and most likely, as you, dear reader, are reading this).. and sure, at some point she will read this as well and gimme a smack (the bad kind, not the good one!) But yeah I know we can both sense the weight of the hours piling up as we cohabit this small space, and it's making us.. pesky and snappy at one another. As I said, I am aging and my neuroses are swelling.. the past few years I have developed this autistic-like sensitivity to background noise, especially anything random or strangely-patterned. I used to sit next to a guy who tapped his hands against his desk ALL DAMN DAY. Drove me fucking nuts. Then I Sat next to this girl with the loudest freaking keyboard ever. CHUNK-G-CHUNK-G-CHUNK. She was the nicest person in the world but sound of her fingers assaulting the ivories made me go spastic "ahhh GEEEZ!" Man, was I relieved when she accidentally busted her keyboard and had to get a (much quieter) new one.. Still loud and tappy, but only half as bad.

I got moved into a new office after awhile and sat next to this designer, bald dude. Man - THAT guy was silent. I would occasionally have to keep turning around to check if he was still there. The guy was like some kind of.. game-designing ninja. Quietest man EVER. I think I would marry this guy, the hell with sexual preference. He was just so damned quiet, like a dead fly or something.

But, yeah. So I am at home now. And my girlfriend pa-pa-pounds the shit out of her little laptop keyboard all day long (and all night long and all early-morning long). And once again my oversensitive ears go crazy from it. And she is so sweet and innocent that she doesn't even know it makes me insane (even if I poke and prod her about it). So this is where it starts getting pathetic - I was at Circuit City, they just closed down but prior to that they had had a huge clearance sale for like EVERYTHING, all the stock. I wandered in "hmm oh.. what's this? Noise reducing earphones? Could this be.. mana from heaven, perhaps?" Yeah I heard of these before, even looked into them for a bit when I was working next to tap-tap-tappy dude, but damn.. so expensive (getting on 2 bills!) But here at CC, they had a pair of cheapo-knockoffo-brand for like 30 clams! So hell. Sure I am outta work, but losing my sanity.. So I shelled out. Well.. they KINDA worked, you put in a AAA battery and press a switch and then it makes a little distant faint-static noise which sounds like nothing, but kills the bottom level a little. Fair enough! It's ben keeping me happy enough (plus you can still plug them in and use them like regular headphones, which makes sense). They are a little gripping tight and hurt to wear after like 20-30 min, but not too bad.

So, yeah, pathetic. But it gets WORSE. The stupid cheapo headphones alone weren't doing the trick. I can't listen to music all the time (makes me kinda nuts if i do that too) so you know what I did! I downloaded some white noise MP3s. Okay, new lows. Really. I can't believe people put this stuff up online, but sure enough! I listened to a few.. airplane cabin, hair dryer, eponymous white noise.. they sounded alright, but there's one I found called "brown noise" which just fits the bill the best. Oh man, this is so sad. I want to make a mix CD of different white noises (not really).

But whatever. It's making it a little easier. Tune in next week when I decide to stop wearing clothes, eating, and only speak and write in pig-latin. huzzah!

so, then

Saturday night. Pretty tired. Stayed up late last night (sigh, yeah, I am falling into -that- routine), got up outta bed/shower/store/get to meeting for a large chunk of the day, then to the Gym, then eat a salad, then increase my chances of becoming a diabetic (craving sugar lately, something awful), then some follow-up work stuff at home, then further organizing my blog, and now writing in it, and THEN.. do some more work. Or just pass out. But I really need to get some work stuff done. So we will see.

Things are alright. As alluded to recently, life is very busy right now, very hectic, actually a lot of ups and downs. I am not so sure that the good is outweighing the bad, I mean it's not like the sky is falling, but I definitely have a couple of little fires here and there which I don't want to spread. These I can contain, those i am not too excited to deal with.. It's the usual stuff, like everyone else in the world. Cars, money, career, relationships, friendships, health, my own general state of mental cohesion. Sadly, I can't really complain about that last one ("I am too damned HINGED!!") as I know I will always be to cognizant to be fully enough aware of when the shit is going down! But yeah, I have just coasted into my 34th year on this planet, I guess that means it has been several years since society/my peers/folks have considered me "an adult and (somewhat) competent member of society.." I still look around at what I have amassed and what is behind, what I have learned (and what I have shed!) and I think, man, I guess I am just doing the best I can. There's certainly things in my life which sketch me out a little bit at the moment but really, I am just trying to keep it on the level as best, as clean as possible. Since being out of work, again, I have done my best to keep busy and hit every nail with the hammer as possible. I haven't scraped every last job lead out there, but I have inquired to nearly all of them and kept the scant few remaining in a prominent shelf in my brain. Not being slacky, trying to order the way I spend my time sensibly and effectively. Yeah, it is true I went out and let loose a little bit following my job termination, but I can't really take shit for that.. it's like being dumped. You pour a sizable portion of your heart and soul into something, for a decent amount of time, especially with all the backlog that led you to that point - you have honestly made an emotional, and to a degree physical investment in things. I always say "never get too attached to things - it could be here one minute and gone the following..." but honestly, as human beings it is impossible for us NOT to invest in that routine, to become susceptible to it, to require it. It's part of our nature, whether or not we choose to be entirely cognizant of it. So, yeah, letting go - though it gets somewhat easier each time, depending on the circumstances - in removing one's routine, it should be expected that a person will go a little wonky for a spell while they try to adapt to the new situation. At least, to return to an older model of being..

My hand hurts, I type too much..

So I am sad because there's a lot of things on the periphery of my life that are ending and changing. Like I said, it's the background, but it's still enough that it's worthy of noting in my blog. For one, and it sounds petty, but my favorite radio station is GONE. Just like that. As I've got older I have listened more and more to talk radio, especially with my long-ish commute. It's never impeccable, but it's always been there for me in some shape or form and it's just - gone now. It's manageable, we have internet, we have ipods, etc - I can find other shit to suck up my audio time when the need arises. But yeah, sucks to acknowledge the end of a nice little thing in the background of my life. Ah well, it happens, and it ain't the end of the world. The great thing about the world, is that it's always full of TONNNNNS of cool stuff, you just need to do some homework and be a little daring/adventurous/experimental, and you will find. Culture is a fascinating resource..

Still trying to exercise as much as possible, it's been 4 years since I have had a gym membership (geez you think I'd approach getting in some kinda shape by now!) but honestly, I am one of those people who will be real dedicated/work fairly hard to maintain consistency with it, and then some BS (like losing a job) will happen and it will knock me out of whack (see above) and I'll just have a "fuck it who cares, not me anymore" attitude. And then time will pass and I will say "fuck it I paid for it/am still paying for it" so won't cancel, with the hope that I'll get back into the swing of things when it becomes convenient, but then - like - 9 months or so will pass and I'll get by on only the tiniest amount of exercise a day (like, walking to my car/the bathroom). Not good! Especially as I get older and my metabolism continues it's plummet, earthward - seriously. So, I have maintained this recent go-round with some sincere steadiness. It's not perfect, and I lapse a bit here and there, but I am getting to the point now where I feel it's fairly ingrained in my basic lifestyle, that I need to go out and exert to the point of uncomfortable sweatiness for a short time, every day or so. So yeah, let's keep up the fight!

On that note, I am gonna check my weight, put the laundry away, and try to get back to messing with the game engine which I am attempting to decipher. Another day, another engine, yaddayaddayadda..

more of the same

.. I had left that last post half-realized and decided to pull the trigger on it (oh.. so committing!) Well to finish up the rest of that story - we went to spaceland to see a bad "Don Caballero," powered on whiskey. I threw down a couple of shots (well, just one maybe) and enjoyed the music. I liked the band for years, but never saw them (discovered them in, like, college - so you can imagine the scene). The show was.. it was alright. Bad sounded great, but hell - they were old. WE WERE OLD. The whole scene was so sedate. The band was rockin' but the crowd was half-a-goddamned-sleep. I guess the point is, we are not rioting punk-assholes anymore. I had some energy and slam danced a little, for what it was worth, but overall - it was good to get out of there. Ah well! Good to see my friends anyway. Next day was hanging out, I had lots of errands to run (what else is new eh?) - Saturday night = Valentine's day dinner, took my girl out to the valley for some yummy japanese BBQ. I really like Gyu-Kaku. So damned tasty. One of the more enjoyable places to eat I must say. She enjoyed it, so I was happy too - Sunday night met up with some friends to see that new movie "Coraline" which was well-made and creepy, then my friend Andy and I drank late into the night (he had the day off today - good excuse). I cabbed home, then realized as I was getting out of the cab that my housekeys were back in my car (at Andy's place - ulp, shit). Cabbed back to his pad, got my keys, then back to home again, then just hang out 'n pass out (honestly, I think I stayed up till like 8:30 the next morning). Yeah so - my hours and lifestyle are a little questionable now. What do you want, huh. I went out in the pouring rain, in the wee hours, to mail out my first unemployment claim - found it this morning face-down on the ground, ignored by the mailman, drenched by the elements, a squished dead moth attached to it. Dropped the f'er in the mailbox up the street as I walked back to my buddy's house to reclaim my vehicle (took me about an hour of walking). And the rest of the day, going through game engine tutorial stuff. Dry - very dry - but useful, I will get more mileage out of it tomorrow I am sure.

So, there's the snapshot of my life then. Things are alright. I am okay - feeling a little weird right now. I stumbled on some old photo albums (online) from days past, reminding me of the fact that it's been like 4 yrs since I started this leg of my life really. Made me feel old, kinda gross, kinda.. pointless. It's like, each time I go through this stuff, I just toss all this older stuff out from behind me, my enthusiasm gets kind of waning for a little while. I like things, life is good, but the raw stupid innocence which used to drive me really needs kicking back in. I need some kind of different direction or something. I don't know. Something is just missing. I think when I go on some other crazy adventure, maybe it will invigorate me again. We will see. At least stuff is moving on, right?

absurdly terrific

WELL OKAY THEN, seeing as how it is a good couple of weeks wort of time since I have posted in this thing - and I find myself with a couple of free minutes to go on about things here, and there, in my life, so I will do just that!

First and foremost, in recent times there's been some activity in a certain major point of my life, professionally - but which I'd best keep hushed up about for the time being, and so for now I will do just that. Regardless I have been on the warpath once more, in the job-searching fashion anyway - that's never what one would call ' a wonderful time time," though while it certainly is a pain in the ass, it also is an overall chance to slant one's entire life in a more positive direction - and so for that I am not only grateful, but also quite optimistic. It should come as no surprise to those who have known me, that I have been rather unhappy in my professional life for some time. The videogame industry is quite an exciting one, but it can also be fairly exhausting - and punishing as well - even, or especially when one pours a fair amount of their heart and soul into it. But that's what on gets when they get involved with a relatively new industry, one whose nuts and bolts are still being fairly figured out (and all the while, they are evolving in spite of that). Without going on ad on about i, I will say that it is, essentially, business as usual...

So then, to the job search. I usually will not divulge much in the way of details in a public forum for obvious reasons - let's just say I am talking to plenty of people about different prospects, and they are all across the board (well, I shouldn't say any of them AREN'T things that sound like they could be good steps). Yeah, the world is a hairy place rigt now, economically, but in spite of it I am happy with the things that are on my plate. So too must I mention that I am DAMN busy right now. I am touching up a lot of my existing work (that which I am permitted to show) - lots of tightening up of things like my website, resume, cover letters, etc. Scrounging around for ideas/info about what it is I will do next. Do I wanna just plunge headfirst into "the sure thing" or something a little more unusual, even a bit more possibly daring? When things calm down with all of this headscratching, I will just sit at my desk and plow forward with the thing I desire most, which is to update my body of work, generally - that is, make some stuff that's completely mine, not just "stuff for work." I have lots of ideas floating around in my head, and I am feeling particularly inspired right now. But I would rather put that energy to prper use at the moment than just get all started with some new project off in XYZ direction, purely for the sake of that.

I have a new PC running at home, it's been sitting here largely untouched for some months now, waiting to become useful. In this period I have funally got it all tweaked out and loaded up with all the necessary apps and directories and things setup, it feels nice to have a clean slate to work with - also it's a fair sight more powerful than it's half-decade old predecessor, so it's much more of a joy/less of a pain in the ass to actually use the thing. I am trying my damnedest to keep it "all about the business" with this box, not messing around with any "bad stuff" on it, but in this day and age, there's a blur on that line at times - and today, when applying some patches to a necessary tool I unwittingly downloaded some shitty trojan onto the thing, and am presently trying to clear that up. Nerdy to complain about, but the danger is real - ALL MY NECESSARY FILES are residing on the sister drives, so if my system goes down right now, I AM gonna be prety mad. I am talking about tons of work, loads and loads of things which I need to backup properly. It's not happened yet not because I have been lazy, so much as that it has not been terribly practical - it's a pain in the ass to do it. If it goes down, I am not ruined by a long shot, but I will regret losing so many valuable files - textures, mesh files, etc - irreplaceable renders of some of my best work, and so forth. I will take tis as a warning to get the most vital stuff backed-up ASAP, and I am not trying to sound neurotic as I wonder about this - I had some serious virus problems at my office just a couple of weeks ago, within two weeks' time my HD died twice. Fortunately it didn't kick my ass, but it was enough to rattle my nerves.

Anyway - enough about all of that. So what's up besides the job hunt? Well, I am a different guy these days, in some ways - happier to have certain stressed behind me, but also mindful of the pain-in-the-ass potentially coming down the road. I have been trying to live a little, maybe a little more than I'd think is practical, but it's been a hectic and stressful time and I feel like I deserve a little reprieve at least. After this all started, I hit a crazy club in Hollywood with my friends who were trying to console me, the place was wild - like being in some swanky vegas club. Super Bowl/My birthday (argh!) followed a couple of days after that, which I celebrated by relaxing with some friends and eating lotssssss of nachos. Next week or so was pretty mellow with the work stuff, really - last weekend I met my friend for some Armenian (ah Zankou), it turned into a sunday night jaunt to Jumbo's Clown Room up the street (ah atmosphere) and then, a few beers later, over to Ruby (Hollywood and La Brea) for Beat It! ('80s dance night, used to be the shit - for real!) This past week had been busy with more of the same during the day - tweaking stuff, chasing leads, running out to the post office to devlier demos, video editing my reel, etc. Tuesday night turned into another Cinespace evening, but it kinda devolved into some shitty drama which I'd be best not writing about in here. Gave me a nice hangover which led to a fairly unproductive Wednesday, though I did manage to run several errands in spite of that (going downtown etc). Friday some of my buddies from down in Irvine decded to make the haul up to Hollywood to pay their respects, so to speak, so they brought some whiskey and we downed a bunch, then headed over to spaceland in silverlake to catch a show.