sigh. i never have time to blog anymore. where to begin? it's 5am and i have to really, really, really go to be like... ASAP (really).
things are okay. it was a good, although quite long day today. kind of took a day off and just went and moseyed about town with some friends doing random, dorky stuff. good for the head and the heart to get outta town a little bit. we saw the new Transformers movie tonight (yeah, I shouldn't spend $$ at that stuff, but my friends and girlfriend wanted to go, so, ya know). Don't think I've ever gone to a midnight showing of ANYthing before... and man, it was long Like 2+ hours I think!??) but yeh, nice to get out of my mind and reality for a little while (not just partying for a change, that is) I have kinda laid off boozin' it up since E3, which - granted, it's been only a couple of weeks, but for me that's awhile, haha. After being sober for more'n a couple weeks, the desire to go there does kind of fade though. However as reality crushes at you over longer periods of time, it does return with some force..
Working quite hard with my projects, as usual I've got a lot on my plate and trying to manage them all competently. It's hard, but it is getting there. Overall I feel like I am on a good path with what I am up to, just trying to measure it all and keep my decisions solid. That's not always easy, especially as things get more frustrating/tighter as time goes on. With the type of stuff I do, it gets quite demanding and really the only way to get something close to cinching is to reduce all my background noise and concentrate, really, on a single thing. However with what I do, it proves quite valuable to have may irons in the fire, as they say, so I am not too keen on just letting everything else fall completely by the wayside. You can't have it both ways; there's got to be some compromise. The trick comes in balancing whatyou can sensibly, and cutting the rest before it starts to wreck your overall gameplan. It's tough...
Not much else to say really. A lot of stuff in my head as usual - after today's break, I know it is imperative to get down and dirty with the work I need to do and so look forward to living and breathing my work for the next week+. I will do the best I can, it's good to have things to pour myself into. Though at 6 months out of work, I am finding I really need some kind of compensation for the things I have been putting my efforts into (a lot of efforts!) Here's hoping for some good news soon - I don't have any amazing expectations, but I will keep fighting the good fight..
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
sullen sunday evenings
hello bloggery bloggnesstification, what the devil brings you here today?
getting on 2 weeks since i visited this place and figured it was time for an update--
so it's past mid-way thru June 2009, that's a little remarkable. If you'd asked my brain where it was, or when rather, it would have sworn there's no way it was later than the 12th. It's a little remarkable, in a bad way, how time is passing quite quickly. I feel like I am somehow in a sort of suspended animation, or whatever sounds like that -
Late mid-June means it is time to think about coughing up for rent and bills, didn't I just do that already? As I am out of work for several months now it is getting harder and harder to manage that. I have some prospects to get some money down the road, I hope, but not sure when or exactly how it'll float since jobs aren't exactly banging down my door. The sad reality is that i must seriously think about moving out of my apartment soon, since it's just getting too expensive to maintain this status of lifestyle on merely an unemployment-funded income (and that money source is due to expire in the not-too-distant future as well). Few things rattle me more than considering giving up my apartment, it's definitely one of the few status symbols I have to show for my decade of killing myself working in this truly godforsaken industry - but hey, that's the way the cookie crumbles. I will have to decide this stuff soon.
Despite my somber tone, things aren't too bad - the economy and job market are ripped to shreds of course, but I am doing the best I can not to take it personally. Still working quite hard and lining up whatever business I can get my hands on, when it's sensible. That's actually a tall order, as there's a lot of BS business that one can so easily get wrapped up in as well. Still, trying to point straight and proper to get myself a little better situated. One thing I am devoting much time to is organizing this whole iPhone thing, it's a burgeoning new(er) market than what's typically been for videogames but it's also right stupid - I mean - there's a dearth of quality software on there, but what there is, is mucking around at "something for almost literally nothing" prices. It's basically likea lottery system these days, and I can't say for sure whether or not that's a bad thing considering. Anyway, it's all I have got right now, so get on it.
I have been spending uber-amounts of time not only designing and arting for apps, but setting up much of the administrative backend as well. Part of the whole iPhone market scheme is the actual new market itself, and all the rules and tools that involves. I am a pretty grassroots guy in this, meaning I haven't any money (at all) to invest in marketing dollars, so in order to get any kind of eyeballs on my product it's gotta be a whole bunch of DIY and guerilla marketing, no small feat in that. Basically I have spent umpteen hours grazing around on social networking sites like myspace, twitter, and youtube, just digging around and trying to get my shots in where I can, and this with nothing to even show yet, really. It's absolutely been an experience, and a strange one at that. I feel like the cybernetic equivalent of an indie-band manager or something. It's getting a little momentum, for whatever it's worth - by the time the apps are ready to roll out, I will hopefully have the possibility of a good couple thousand connections in some degree or other, maybe twice that, maybe 1/3 of that, it's hard to tell - but with just time invested, not a fat wad of cash. So we will see, it's an interesting experiment and a lot of upkeep to be sure. Every step is crucial.
In all of that, I have been spending an inordinate amount of time sitting right here in front of my PC, I would say even more than normal - even after all these years, it's having a dramatic effect on me, I can feel myself subhumanizing in some ways, it is getting kinda gross. Thankfully my mood's not in the crapper, but I do feel less like a "normal person" when most of my activities get relegated to just dealing with sending I/O back and forth over the screen. Is that all the future holds for us really?
Anyway, bottom line is that, as expected, 2009 was obviously gonna be a strange yeara dn right here, at just about the halfway point of the year, it's damned true...!
As the next couple of months roll by, I remain hopeful that things will lighten up a little, come to fruition, what-have-you. I a not the sort who believes in karma or divine retribution or some such, so it's all just luck really with a degree of taking care of the backend support from my side. We will see what happens.
getting on 2 weeks since i visited this place and figured it was time for an update--
so it's past mid-way thru June 2009, that's a little remarkable. If you'd asked my brain where it was, or when rather, it would have sworn there's no way it was later than the 12th. It's a little remarkable, in a bad way, how time is passing quite quickly. I feel like I am somehow in a sort of suspended animation, or whatever sounds like that -
Late mid-June means it is time to think about coughing up for rent and bills, didn't I just do that already? As I am out of work for several months now it is getting harder and harder to manage that. I have some prospects to get some money down the road, I hope, but not sure when or exactly how it'll float since jobs aren't exactly banging down my door. The sad reality is that i must seriously think about moving out of my apartment soon, since it's just getting too expensive to maintain this status of lifestyle on merely an unemployment-funded income (and that money source is due to expire in the not-too-distant future as well). Few things rattle me more than considering giving up my apartment, it's definitely one of the few status symbols I have to show for my decade of killing myself working in this truly godforsaken industry - but hey, that's the way the cookie crumbles. I will have to decide this stuff soon.
Despite my somber tone, things aren't too bad - the economy and job market are ripped to shreds of course, but I am doing the best I can not to take it personally. Still working quite hard and lining up whatever business I can get my hands on, when it's sensible. That's actually a tall order, as there's a lot of BS business that one can so easily get wrapped up in as well. Still, trying to point straight and proper to get myself a little better situated. One thing I am devoting much time to is organizing this whole iPhone thing, it's a burgeoning new(er) market than what's typically been for videogames but it's also right stupid - I mean - there's a dearth of quality software on there, but what there is, is mucking around at "something for almost literally nothing" prices. It's basically likea lottery system these days, and I can't say for sure whether or not that's a bad thing considering. Anyway, it's all I have got right now, so get on it.
I have been spending uber-amounts of time not only designing and arting for apps, but setting up much of the administrative backend as well. Part of the whole iPhone market scheme is the actual new market itself, and all the rules and tools that involves. I am a pretty grassroots guy in this, meaning I haven't any money (at all) to invest in marketing dollars, so in order to get any kind of eyeballs on my product it's gotta be a whole bunch of DIY and guerilla marketing, no small feat in that. Basically I have spent umpteen hours grazing around on social networking sites like myspace, twitter, and youtube, just digging around and trying to get my shots in where I can, and this with nothing to even show yet, really. It's absolutely been an experience, and a strange one at that. I feel like the cybernetic equivalent of an indie-band manager or something. It's getting a little momentum, for whatever it's worth - by the time the apps are ready to roll out, I will hopefully have the possibility of a good couple thousand connections in some degree or other, maybe twice that, maybe 1/3 of that, it's hard to tell - but with just time invested, not a fat wad of cash. So we will see, it's an interesting experiment and a lot of upkeep to be sure. Every step is crucial.
In all of that, I have been spending an inordinate amount of time sitting right here in front of my PC, I would say even more than normal - even after all these years, it's having a dramatic effect on me, I can feel myself subhumanizing in some ways, it is getting kinda gross. Thankfully my mood's not in the crapper, but I do feel less like a "normal person" when most of my activities get relegated to just dealing with sending I/O back and forth over the screen. Is that all the future holds for us really?
Anyway, bottom line is that, as expected, 2009 was obviously gonna be a strange yeara dn right here, at just about the halfway point of the year, it's damned true...!
As the next couple of months roll by, I remain hopeful that things will lighten up a little, come to fruition, what-have-you. I a not the sort who believes in karma or divine retribution or some such, so it's all just luck really with a degree of taking care of the backend support from my side. We will see what happens.
Sunday, June 07, 2009
Dash - bored...
Siiiigh, so tired, so tired. What's up gentlemen and gentlewomen? What's new? Tell me, tell me, because.. no one says anything...
It's been some pretty busy times for me lately. Life has definitely been a lot of ups and downs, lots of thought - lots of stress - lots and lots of activity. I have been working extremely hard across all of my projects, they are going well enough for the most part but as I get further in I keep finding more pieces of each to unravel, more aspects which must be dealt with. Kinda one of my more enjoyable parts of - anything, actually, but it's humbling to constantly be facing "now figure this out, now figure THIS out, etc etc." It makes me feel smart, sometimes, as I deal with them, but then I also come to the realization that I am not a mountain, as they say - there's only so much I can bat back at you, until my resolve starts to poop out..
But for all it's worth, I am happy with where I am at, and the results have made me proud. It's still a sloppy trip and taking a toll on me, and consequences are starting to pile up (it's getting extremely hard to balance my checkbook!) and so that means things are actually at stake. I guess I have a love/hate relationship with pressure, really, and that's not news..
In spite of it, been partying some lately, though more out of necessity in some ways (I know, "boo hoo") than merely of being wound up and having to go do bad things. Well, the game convention was front and center in town last week so it's impossible to brave that and NOT end up on my ass, really.. and so that all led up to some really memorable moments in my life, to be honest.. but now it is time to really settle back down and deal with the business at hand. Though to be honest, it was nice stepping out of reality for a few moments there.
Some tough nights, bad dreams - my ego is a little bruised lately, and spilling out from my subconciousness during those off-hours, I wake up the next morning feeling anything but rested, in spite of my "pressure cravings"I really do look forward to taking the edge off. Sigh, once in awhile I kind of come out of the fog of my life and things feel so clear about what to do, and I actually start down that path. But then, being a person really means you are good at seeking out what will make things more difficult, and so I tend to slip back into that side of things as well (I really feel for anyone who reads this, it sounds like I am some Heroin junkie who's got an unbelievable jonesing gnawing at them...) Yeah okay, my problems aren't quite that colorful. But they really are pretty normal, which I'd have no matter what at this stage of life.. Money. Women. Love. Career. Losing some weight. Not downing that pair of Jager shots. Keeping my car/apartment/etc. all from falling to pieces. Maintaining some normal exercise. Yeah - all pretty normal stuff I guess, and there's not much wrong in that light (especially these days). but I am getting older, and there's some things that I am just damned tired of, some things that seem like they should be so outrageously simple to figure out, and logically it's cake but in the real world it's just a freakin' mess, man... Ah well. Welcome to mid-thirties. At least everyone else I am surrounded by, is goddamned nuts as well...
It's been some pretty busy times for me lately. Life has definitely been a lot of ups and downs, lots of thought - lots of stress - lots and lots of activity. I have been working extremely hard across all of my projects, they are going well enough for the most part but as I get further in I keep finding more pieces of each to unravel, more aspects which must be dealt with. Kinda one of my more enjoyable parts of - anything, actually, but it's humbling to constantly be facing "now figure this out, now figure THIS out, etc etc." It makes me feel smart, sometimes, as I deal with them, but then I also come to the realization that I am not a mountain, as they say - there's only so much I can bat back at you, until my resolve starts to poop out..
But for all it's worth, I am happy with where I am at, and the results have made me proud. It's still a sloppy trip and taking a toll on me, and consequences are starting to pile up (it's getting extremely hard to balance my checkbook!) and so that means things are actually at stake. I guess I have a love/hate relationship with pressure, really, and that's not news..
In spite of it, been partying some lately, though more out of necessity in some ways (I know, "boo hoo") than merely of being wound up and having to go do bad things. Well, the game convention was front and center in town last week so it's impossible to brave that and NOT end up on my ass, really.. and so that all led up to some really memorable moments in my life, to be honest.. but now it is time to really settle back down and deal with the business at hand. Though to be honest, it was nice stepping out of reality for a few moments there.
Some tough nights, bad dreams - my ego is a little bruised lately, and spilling out from my subconciousness during those off-hours, I wake up the next morning feeling anything but rested, in spite of my "pressure cravings"I really do look forward to taking the edge off. Sigh, once in awhile I kind of come out of the fog of my life and things feel so clear about what to do, and I actually start down that path. But then, being a person really means you are good at seeking out what will make things more difficult, and so I tend to slip back into that side of things as well (I really feel for anyone who reads this, it sounds like I am some Heroin junkie who's got an unbelievable jonesing gnawing at them...) Yeah okay, my problems aren't quite that colorful. But they really are pretty normal, which I'd have no matter what at this stage of life.. Money. Women. Love. Career. Losing some weight. Not downing that pair of Jager shots. Keeping my car/apartment/etc. all from falling to pieces. Maintaining some normal exercise. Yeah - all pretty normal stuff I guess, and there's not much wrong in that light (especially these days). but I am getting older, and there's some things that I am just damned tired of, some things that seem like they should be so outrageously simple to figure out, and logically it's cake but in the real world it's just a freakin' mess, man... Ah well. Welcome to mid-thirties. At least everyone else I am surrounded by, is goddamned nuts as well...
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
E3 2009 - day one
9PM, sitting at home for a couple of hours now, here's the wrap-up.
It's been 2 years since I've attended E3 (since many have!) so I was kinda looking forward to the Return of the Spectacle. Well, long story short - it was really meh, is all I have to tell you. Yeah, there were some interesting announcements, take your pick (Team Ninja doing a new Metroid, all the fancy new Xbox 360 and PS3 peripherals, Mario Galaxy 2 announcement, etc). But overall, just kind of a feeling that "man this would have been a lot more exhilarating a couple of years earlier!" I am sure there's a few things to it (not to get all into it, but yeah like I said it's not the same mood when you are job-hunting at E3 as opposed to just taking it in and relaxing, catching up with friends, and so forth) - really I was surprised that the attendance was much smaller than I had expected, you could actually get through the halls fairly easily and there weren't insane lines all over the place to see things from my POV. I guess it's sort of what I'd called in my previous post - things are pulled back these days, you're not really seeing a lot of impressive innovation, everyone's just trying to put out tried-and-true product that will ensure money coming in. But damn, so dull. Hey look ANOTHER Need for Speed! Sure it looks nice but who cares? PGR looked amazing 4 years ago! Another Shaun White. More cooking games. Yawny McYawnerstein.
Anyway, what did I actually look at?
-GI JOE - as was evident from the screens released months ago, this looked like a poor (very) last-gen game. The action and such didn't look so bad, but not noteworthy and the visuals were just very blase. Come on, we have Unreal Tech, why show us this?
-Need for Speed - see above.
-TMNT Smash - I didn't really look at it or play it but it looks like they are trying to follow the Smash Bros blueprint. Is that license still viable though? Stuff gets old.
-New Super Mario Bros. Wii - This sounded interesting to me. I could still sit down and play through a round of good old SMB. Unfortunately, the game was not exactly captivating. I never played New Super Mario Bros. (on DS) but I imagine it felt like this. This was not what I want Mario to feel like, to play like! It's all floaty now with the LBP-3D feeling, but not in a good way. Honestly I would much rather stick with the fanmade levels on LBP at this point. I am not a naysayer against new Mario (Galaxy etc) but something about this just didn't feel like I could wrap myself around it. I ran out of caring after beating a round. I don't like how it handles the 2P simultaneous mode, feels like an afterthought/frustrating.
-Zombie Apocalypse (PSN) - played excatly how I thought it would. Yawn.
-Pixeljunk Shooter - I knew this would be fun. These guys have that certain something that makes weird little titles fun. I would download this. Maybe just demo, but ya know.
-Wii Sports Resort - I wanted to try the new MotionPlus, but got bored watching the guy in front of me shoot hoops. I think the fencing might be alright. It's hard to get psyced about Mii stuff at a scene like E3.
-Transformers - they showed vids of it on the big Activision screen. I can't say much for the gameplay but they really nailed the visuals - it looks like what you'd want a Michael Bay Transformers game to look like. Hopefully they can put the pieces back together following the previous rushjob installment.
-Tony Hawk Ride - I was pretty tempted to try this out, with the new skatboard peripheral. I actually got pretty far in the (admittedly short) line but got bored waiting for the guy ahead of me to practice the simple maneuvers - also the screens they were showing didn't look very appealing at all, graphically. I will say this though, I can see why they decided to make a new board rather than use the Wii Fit board - skaters can grab the deck in their hands and get more of a "skater feeling" if that makes sense.
-DJ Hero - this is so tough to tell. They had a big demo where they really broke it all down and showed the nuts and bolts of the game - the thing is, with these types of games it's really hard to tell how it feels just by watching someone play it. It could be really fun or just very complicated and confusing. I applaud them for going out on a limb and at least, trying something a little unorthodox (such as it is). I will reserve judgement, it's definitely going to be a harder sell than Guitar Hero in some ways..
-Lego Rock band - saw this there, it was exactly as you'd expect. Rock band, with Legos, yawn. I make fun of it, but I think we'll probably pick this up cause Rock Band doesn't seem to age that badly. I don't like looking at the Lego avatars though, I wish they had a reskin with the current Rock Band? Or just release all the same tracks for us, same price? Please?
-Rock Band Unplugged (PSP) - this reviewed fairly well on IGN recently. I don't think there's anyway to say it's good or not after playing it at E3, it's reduced down to it's simplest formula (watching bars and hitting buttons) - and you can't hear the audio at all! So, don't ask me.
-Motorstorm PSP - looked alright, a little crunchier like PS1. I just donnnn't like PSP, what can I say.
What else did I see? Um.. Steve Wiebe was there playing Donkey Kong (OG) to try and recapture the world record, that was funny. People would cheer as he cleared rounds - it was odd. A little hypnotic to watch for awhile, but ti was getting late and we had to move on. I wish Billy Mitchell was there!!
There was a little "indie area," actually I wished this section was bigger. It was fairly anemic, but kudos to them for representing. Not much to really yell home about, but a couple of the games were actually pretty impressive! They mentioned there's some indie game fest due up in... October, I believe, I wanna say it was gonna be in Culver City. I'll check back on that, definitely would like to check that out.
It's hard to judge E3 by the same standard I usually would. It's one of those strange things that really seems to pop up in the more unusual times of my life, and now is not really any different. I can't say it's really the ideal time for me to be indulging in that madness, so I can't expect to have such a great time as I often do (and sometimes it's just been REALLY GOOD DAMNED TIMES!) I blame that on circumstances of life more than just some convention however (and not like my life is even bad, at all, it's just not as... innocent and rambunctious as it'd been in the past). There's obviously something to attending the show when you are a bigshot dev on a cool project vs when you are just a scrub lookin' for work.. hahaha. Ah well, time to hit the bar...
It's been 2 years since I've attended E3 (since many have!) so I was kinda looking forward to the Return of the Spectacle. Well, long story short - it was really meh, is all I have to tell you. Yeah, there were some interesting announcements, take your pick (Team Ninja doing a new Metroid, all the fancy new Xbox 360 and PS3 peripherals, Mario Galaxy 2 announcement, etc). But overall, just kind of a feeling that "man this would have been a lot more exhilarating a couple of years earlier!" I am sure there's a few things to it (not to get all into it, but yeah like I said it's not the same mood when you are job-hunting at E3 as opposed to just taking it in and relaxing, catching up with friends, and so forth) - really I was surprised that the attendance was much smaller than I had expected, you could actually get through the halls fairly easily and there weren't insane lines all over the place to see things from my POV. I guess it's sort of what I'd called in my previous post - things are pulled back these days, you're not really seeing a lot of impressive innovation, everyone's just trying to put out tried-and-true product that will ensure money coming in. But damn, so dull. Hey look ANOTHER Need for Speed! Sure it looks nice but who cares? PGR looked amazing 4 years ago! Another Shaun White. More cooking games. Yawny McYawnerstein.
Anyway, what did I actually look at?
-GI JOE - as was evident from the screens released months ago, this looked like a poor (very) last-gen game. The action and such didn't look so bad, but not noteworthy and the visuals were just very blase. Come on, we have Unreal Tech, why show us this?
-Need for Speed - see above.
-TMNT Smash - I didn't really look at it or play it but it looks like they are trying to follow the Smash Bros blueprint. Is that license still viable though? Stuff gets old.
-New Super Mario Bros. Wii - This sounded interesting to me. I could still sit down and play through a round of good old SMB. Unfortunately, the game was not exactly captivating. I never played New Super Mario Bros. (on DS) but I imagine it felt like this. This was not what I want Mario to feel like, to play like! It's all floaty now with the LBP-3D feeling, but not in a good way. Honestly I would much rather stick with the fanmade levels on LBP at this point. I am not a naysayer against new Mario (Galaxy etc) but something about this just didn't feel like I could wrap myself around it. I ran out of caring after beating a round. I don't like how it handles the 2P simultaneous mode, feels like an afterthought/frustrating.
-Zombie Apocalypse (PSN) - played excatly how I thought it would. Yawn.
-Pixeljunk Shooter - I knew this would be fun. These guys have that certain something that makes weird little titles fun. I would download this. Maybe just demo, but ya know.
-Wii Sports Resort - I wanted to try the new MotionPlus, but got bored watching the guy in front of me shoot hoops. I think the fencing might be alright. It's hard to get psyced about Mii stuff at a scene like E3.
-Transformers - they showed vids of it on the big Activision screen. I can't say much for the gameplay but they really nailed the visuals - it looks like what you'd want a Michael Bay Transformers game to look like. Hopefully they can put the pieces back together following the previous rushjob installment.
-Tony Hawk Ride - I was pretty tempted to try this out, with the new skatboard peripheral. I actually got pretty far in the (admittedly short) line but got bored waiting for the guy ahead of me to practice the simple maneuvers - also the screens they were showing didn't look very appealing at all, graphically. I will say this though, I can see why they decided to make a new board rather than use the Wii Fit board - skaters can grab the deck in their hands and get more of a "skater feeling" if that makes sense.
-DJ Hero - this is so tough to tell. They had a big demo where they really broke it all down and showed the nuts and bolts of the game - the thing is, with these types of games it's really hard to tell how it feels just by watching someone play it. It could be really fun or just very complicated and confusing. I applaud them for going out on a limb and at least, trying something a little unorthodox (such as it is). I will reserve judgement, it's definitely going to be a harder sell than Guitar Hero in some ways..
-Lego Rock band - saw this there, it was exactly as you'd expect. Rock band, with Legos, yawn. I make fun of it, but I think we'll probably pick this up cause Rock Band doesn't seem to age that badly. I don't like looking at the Lego avatars though, I wish they had a reskin with the current Rock Band? Or just release all the same tracks for us, same price? Please?
-Rock Band Unplugged (PSP) - this reviewed fairly well on IGN recently. I don't think there's anyway to say it's good or not after playing it at E3, it's reduced down to it's simplest formula (watching bars and hitting buttons) - and you can't hear the audio at all! So, don't ask me.
-Motorstorm PSP - looked alright, a little crunchier like PS1. I just donnnn't like PSP, what can I say.
What else did I see? Um.. Steve Wiebe was there playing Donkey Kong (OG) to try and recapture the world record, that was funny. People would cheer as he cleared rounds - it was odd. A little hypnotic to watch for awhile, but ti was getting late and we had to move on. I wish Billy Mitchell was there!!
There was a little "indie area," actually I wished this section was bigger. It was fairly anemic, but kudos to them for representing. Not much to really yell home about, but a couple of the games were actually pretty impressive! They mentioned there's some indie game fest due up in... October, I believe, I wanna say it was gonna be in Culver City. I'll check back on that, definitely would like to check that out.
It's hard to judge E3 by the same standard I usually would. It's one of those strange things that really seems to pop up in the more unusual times of my life, and now is not really any different. I can't say it's really the ideal time for me to be indulging in that madness, so I can't expect to have such a great time as I often do (and sometimes it's just been REALLY GOOD DAMNED TIMES!) I blame that on circumstances of life more than just some convention however (and not like my life is even bad, at all, it's just not as... innocent and rambunctious as it'd been in the past). There's obviously something to attending the show when you are a bigshot dev on a cool project vs when you are just a scrub lookin' for work.. hahaha. Ah well, time to hit the bar...
Monday, June 01, 2009
Kick me out of E3!! AGAIN!!
What's up Mouseketeers. It's about 6:30 Monday evening, I just got back from downtown. Yeah, E3 isn't open to the masses until tomorrow, but I wanted to beat the madness and get a badge holder one day early - as opposed to waiting in line with 20,000 smelly nerds for a piece of plastic. I mean, I will wait with those same nerds all day long for other things I am sure..
It was funny walking in there. I was able to breeze Downtown from Hollywood in a flash (surprised!), parked for free (surprised - ALSO!), walked around the entire building the wrong way 'cause I am a moron, found my way to the South Hall Entrance where they were still setting up the most ginormous Rock Band Presented by Pepsi display I have ever seen, strolled up to the front of the line with my bade and presto. Actually, it felt like the end of E3s' past, since it was generally quite mellow with the occasional straggler here and there, and most folks seemed bored and sleepy. Soon, soon. Tomorrow will be a different story.
I am reminded of the last time that I was attending E3 without a job - that was back in 2001, I was freshly out of work from the collapse of 3DO (and my division, New World Computing). Working frantically to get my portfolio into some presentable state, and hurrying to get business cards printed until the last-last minute, I had been out of work long enough that I didn't have proper credentials for my own badge and so my programmer buddy from Neversoft lent me his ('cause he didn't care anyway!) For some reason, Matt put "Matty" on his badge - and I got randomly screened, after one hour, while entering an exhibit hall. "Is your name really 'Matty?' Let me see your ID!" I tried to call their bluff, but of course my Driver's License don't lie, so they stripped me of the badge and kicked me out, with my biz cards, portfolio samples and resumes - all I wanted to do was a find a job! Sob, sob. Pathetic, I know! I'd been 4 years in the game industry already - and now, a convention full of fat smelly nerds was rejecting me. Ah, the irony.
Well, that was (ulp) eight years ago. Sadly, I guess I may not have come so far, here we are at another E3 and I am still scrounging for work, same old story. In fact after I wrap up this entry, I need to bring my new business card template down to Kinkos/FedEx/whatever the hell they call it now and print up a bunch for my partner's and my new iPhone game venture. At least this time if I get kicked out of the show, it's 'cause I was doing something particularly unruly, not just crappy luck!
News-wise - lots of info already spilling out from the pre-show, Microsoft had their conference already earlier today. To tell the truth I've not done more than give a cursory glance to all the goings-on, what with running around and sending out bill payments and cashing checks and then all the admin setup for my new website, figuring out how to do MIDI capture and editing (I am 30 years too late, I know), and trying to give my girlfriend a moment of attention here and there... Anyway something about "Microsoft full-body movement control sensor," PSP GO (PSP GO AWAY!) .. they just don't understand... More Halo's (what's an ODSF?) Trailers for everything, I was proud to see a giant spectacular ALPHA PROTOCOL wall display inside of South Hall Section K.
The next couple of days will be a migrain, hopefully I can shmooze my way into some E3 party or other (yeah, yeah...) Good luck troops..
It was funny walking in there. I was able to breeze Downtown from Hollywood in a flash (surprised!), parked for free (surprised - ALSO!), walked around the entire building the wrong way 'cause I am a moron, found my way to the South Hall Entrance where they were still setting up the most ginormous Rock Band Presented by Pepsi display I have ever seen, strolled up to the front of the line with my bade and presto. Actually, it felt like the end of E3s' past, since it was generally quite mellow with the occasional straggler here and there, and most folks seemed bored and sleepy. Soon, soon. Tomorrow will be a different story.
I am reminded of the last time that I was attending E3 without a job - that was back in 2001, I was freshly out of work from the collapse of 3DO (and my division, New World Computing). Working frantically to get my portfolio into some presentable state, and hurrying to get business cards printed until the last-last minute, I had been out of work long enough that I didn't have proper credentials for my own badge and so my programmer buddy from Neversoft lent me his ('cause he didn't care anyway!) For some reason, Matt put "Matty" on his badge - and I got randomly screened, after one hour, while entering an exhibit hall. "Is your name really 'Matty?' Let me see your ID!" I tried to call their bluff, but of course my Driver's License don't lie, so they stripped me of the badge and kicked me out, with my biz cards, portfolio samples and resumes - all I wanted to do was a find a job! Sob, sob. Pathetic, I know! I'd been 4 years in the game industry already - and now, a convention full of fat smelly nerds was rejecting me. Ah, the irony.
Well, that was (ulp) eight years ago. Sadly, I guess I may not have come so far, here we are at another E3 and I am still scrounging for work, same old story. In fact after I wrap up this entry, I need to bring my new business card template down to Kinkos/FedEx/whatever the hell they call it now and print up a bunch for my partner's and my new iPhone game venture. At least this time if I get kicked out of the show, it's 'cause I was doing something particularly unruly, not just crappy luck!
News-wise - lots of info already spilling out from the pre-show, Microsoft had their conference already earlier today. To tell the truth I've not done more than give a cursory glance to all the goings-on, what with running around and sending out bill payments and cashing checks and then all the admin setup for my new website, figuring out how to do MIDI capture and editing (I am 30 years too late, I know), and trying to give my girlfriend a moment of attention here and there... Anyway something about "Microsoft full-body movement control sensor," PSP GO (PSP GO AWAY!) .. they just don't understand... More Halo's (what's an ODSF?) Trailers for everything, I was proud to see a giant spectacular ALPHA PROTOCOL wall display inside of South Hall Section K.
The next couple of days will be a migrain, hopefully I can shmooze my way into some E3 party or other (yeah, yeah...) Good luck troops..
Thursday, May 28, 2009
fight the light
hallo hallo. what's up? didn't i wite in this thing very recently? i don't even remember..
things are alright. I am slipping into the phase where "i don't have a job so the hours I keep are all crazy," that means it is 5am and I am up typing in my freakin' blog. should just be asleep like the rest of the world (well, on this coast).
I am okay, stressing a bit lately but I guess my nerves can handle it. my money is officially --all gone-- and that really makes everything more difficult - as usual I am doing the best I can to scrape by, many of my friends have been pithing in to buy me beer and food here and there (for which I am very grateful). It makes me feel like a shitty deadbeat though, and I really hope things will turn around for the better pronto. Hope only goes so far-- anyway applying all over (local) for jobs right now, but it's such a shitty time to be looking for work that i nearly feel like it's useless - though of course, it is NEVER useless!! On the bright side, some things with my "side projects," wichI guess would be considered my "front ad center projects," are developing at an appreciable enough pace that I don't feel utterly pointless and frustrated, in fact it sort of isa weird situation now - I kind of feel apathetic about drifting back into my industry in the same capacity i'd been, in lieu of the "bold new direction." That's a tough path though, but hey - all the damn paths are tough!
Anyway on the bright side of that, and I know I repeat myself - my creative side is working overtime in expressing itself, I am getting a lot of very useful ideas for projects to do under these new developments. If I can swing it, and the timing works out - and a little luck never hurts - then I might find myself in a pretty nice position. But hell, at this point in my life I've learned never to expect such things. Youjust do the best you can and try your hardest to make the odds and ends all match up, keep tabs on everything, and try as best you can to cover your back for when a big chunk of things eventually fall apart anyway..
A crazy lady in the Walgreens started talking to me this afternoon. It was sad and strange - living in Hollywood I gotta say I am not a stranger to such things, but it's unusual enough that I can mention it in my journal, here.. Anyway we talked a little, I could tell she was A. either on something or B. her brain was just generally fried from too many years of already being on PLENTY of somethings. I looked in her eyes, something you generally wanna avoid doing withthe crazy people (but we were both waiting in line, and I was humoring myself) and it was creepy, she just had this dead emptiness.. that spark that most people usually have was pretty long-since glazed over, at least in my unprofessional opinion (though I think anyone who is reading this can probablysurmise where I am coming from). Anyway we didn't get into it, when I was younger I might be more fascniated by the crazies but these days I'd generally prefer to be left alone. I could tell that one time, long ago, she was probably pretty hot back in the day.. I love Hollywood, but it's a gnarly and dreary place to a lot of people..
E3 next week! God, just get it over with.. at least I can eat some bacon-wrapped ghetto dogs...
things are alright. I am slipping into the phase where "i don't have a job so the hours I keep are all crazy," that means it is 5am and I am up typing in my freakin' blog. should just be asleep like the rest of the world (well, on this coast).
I am okay, stressing a bit lately but I guess my nerves can handle it. my money is officially --all gone-- and that really makes everything more difficult - as usual I am doing the best I can to scrape by, many of my friends have been pithing in to buy me beer and food here and there (for which I am very grateful). It makes me feel like a shitty deadbeat though, and I really hope things will turn around for the better pronto. Hope only goes so far-- anyway applying all over (local) for jobs right now, but it's such a shitty time to be looking for work that i nearly feel like it's useless - though of course, it is NEVER useless!! On the bright side, some things with my "side projects," wichI guess would be considered my "front ad center projects," are developing at an appreciable enough pace that I don't feel utterly pointless and frustrated, in fact it sort of isa weird situation now - I kind of feel apathetic about drifting back into my industry in the same capacity i'd been, in lieu of the "bold new direction." That's a tough path though, but hey - all the damn paths are tough!
Anyway on the bright side of that, and I know I repeat myself - my creative side is working overtime in expressing itself, I am getting a lot of very useful ideas for projects to do under these new developments. If I can swing it, and the timing works out - and a little luck never hurts - then I might find myself in a pretty nice position. But hell, at this point in my life I've learned never to expect such things. Youjust do the best you can and try your hardest to make the odds and ends all match up, keep tabs on everything, and try as best you can to cover your back for when a big chunk of things eventually fall apart anyway..
A crazy lady in the Walgreens started talking to me this afternoon. It was sad and strange - living in Hollywood I gotta say I am not a stranger to such things, but it's unusual enough that I can mention it in my journal, here.. Anyway we talked a little, I could tell she was A. either on something or B. her brain was just generally fried from too many years of already being on PLENTY of somethings. I looked in her eyes, something you generally wanna avoid doing withthe crazy people (but we were both waiting in line, and I was humoring myself) and it was creepy, she just had this dead emptiness.. that spark that most people usually have was pretty long-since glazed over, at least in my unprofessional opinion (though I think anyone who is reading this can probablysurmise where I am coming from). Anyway we didn't get into it, when I was younger I might be more fascniated by the crazies but these days I'd generally prefer to be left alone. I could tell that one time, long ago, she was probably pretty hot back in the day.. I love Hollywood, but it's a gnarly and dreary place to a lot of people..
E3 next week! God, just get it over with.. at least I can eat some bacon-wrapped ghetto dogs...
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Pre-E3-itis, Second Verse
It is so funny to watch the game websites and forums in the week following up to E3. All the big studios drop all their big plans in the weeks (and final days) before the actual show itself, seems to be the trend - isn't this one of the big reasons why the show's format got altered in the first place, supposedly (competing with one another for attention in the midst of overstimulation?) With that in mind, it's notable that there doesn't seem to be a lot of hubbub for anyone to be raving about. Sega and EA both have (relatively) lackluster showings. Nintendo seems pretty tight-lipped, I guess we can expect to see some semi-interesting Wii titles from them next week but I doubt anyone's expectations are so high (as noted in my last blog post, "things are rather quiet these days..") Unusual to hear about High Voltages upcoming games (it's been awhile since they made some noise?) Activision dribbled out a couple of early tracklisting morsels for their Guitar Hero franchise, but really is anyone THAT thrilled about some new tracks (in this age of DLC) - as well, the new Tony Hawk game's been getting a little press, though it's more of a lot of "what? they're thinking wa-what?" when considering their new balance-board remniscient peripheral and lofty (rumored) price-tag. The new DJ Hero Turntable popped up as well recently, no surprise there, I think a lot of folks are waiting to get their hands on it at E3 (any chance?) before it gets written-off as "too late to the Beatmania party.." Well, we will see.. Anyway, they got Call of Duty, which will sel no matter what..
But, yeah, all is quiet. I don't think anyone expects to see much noteworthy out of DS or PSP, and I doubt there's much more expectation for Sony to come strong with (potentially powerful) hype for MAG (I love that name!) XBox is getting long inthe tooth now, if anyone's got a chance of showing up with somthing crazy I guess it would be them - but they always leak their stuff notoriously early. All we got in our sights is the HD Zune - which is a lot, mind you, but it's still gonna play second fiddle to iPhone if you ask me, unless they do something particularly clever and outrageous.
Yeah, I may be full of a lot of hot air, but I have been watching these markets for awhile now. Again, it's a tight economy and the release slate for this year is scant - also lots of previous big players (like THQ and Midway) are getting spanked badly, while guys like Microsoft, Sony and even the all-powerful EA have been closing shops and letting people go quite a bit in the past years' time - include the already-wilting Sega in that list (and I am a Sega fanboy, mind you!), it's a telling sign if there's not a few more half-assed Sonic games showing on this years roster (yeah, there's a Winter Games one, but otherwise..). And does anybody remember a company called Atari??
So I am declaring this, the E3 where it supposedly returns to it's former glory, the Year of the Casuals. The year of the Stifled Development. Expect to see a lot of gusts of smoke and disappointment. So hilarious that they pulled in the reigns for E3 just as the whole industry was getting incendiary, Wii and PS3 and 360 were raging in their freshness and youth and money was being poured full-bore into development everywhere, studios were overambitiously augmenting their team sizes ("why make 2 hits when we can just as easily churn out four?!!")
Well, we'll see some interesting iPhone stuff. Anyway don't fret, as the economy buttons up (I hope!) we'll see better conventions in the future. For now, just enjoy the love-in.. Hopefully, I will be able to find a still-existing Kentia Hall, where I can play Paperboy and Galaga (and Scramble on the Vectrex!) while listening to 8-Bit Weapon. Sounds good enough to me.
But, yeah, all is quiet. I don't think anyone expects to see much noteworthy out of DS or PSP, and I doubt there's much more expectation for Sony to come strong with (potentially powerful) hype for MAG (I love that name!) XBox is getting long inthe tooth now, if anyone's got a chance of showing up with somthing crazy I guess it would be them - but they always leak their stuff notoriously early. All we got in our sights is the HD Zune - which is a lot, mind you, but it's still gonna play second fiddle to iPhone if you ask me, unless they do something particularly clever and outrageous.
Yeah, I may be full of a lot of hot air, but I have been watching these markets for awhile now. Again, it's a tight economy and the release slate for this year is scant - also lots of previous big players (like THQ and Midway) are getting spanked badly, while guys like Microsoft, Sony and even the all-powerful EA have been closing shops and letting people go quite a bit in the past years' time - include the already-wilting Sega in that list (and I am a Sega fanboy, mind you!), it's a telling sign if there's not a few more half-assed Sonic games showing on this years roster (yeah, there's a Winter Games one, but otherwise..). And does anybody remember a company called Atari??
So I am declaring this, the E3 where it supposedly returns to it's former glory, the Year of the Casuals. The year of the Stifled Development. Expect to see a lot of gusts of smoke and disappointment. So hilarious that they pulled in the reigns for E3 just as the whole industry was getting incendiary, Wii and PS3 and 360 were raging in their freshness and youth and money was being poured full-bore into development everywhere, studios were overambitiously augmenting their team sizes ("why make 2 hits when we can just as easily churn out four?!!")
Well, we'll see some interesting iPhone stuff. Anyway don't fret, as the economy buttons up (I hope!) we'll see better conventions in the future. For now, just enjoy the love-in.. Hopefully, I will be able to find a still-existing Kentia Hall, where I can play Paperboy and Galaga (and Scramble on the Vectrex!) while listening to 8-Bit Weapon. Sounds good enough to me.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
PRE-3
Hot Damn Applesauce, how did THIS happen? It's excatly one week to go 'till the Electronic Games Expo once again descends upon our horrible, innocuous town..
It's a shock really, I've known it was coming for some time now (waiting for it with baited breath) as it's quite a symbol for many things in my life. A deadline, certainly - but also a true milestone, in each of the years since I have moved out here (nearly 10, now!) E3 was effectively put on ice for the last couple of years, reduced to less than a pathetic shadow of it's former grandeur, as it were - I am quite surprised to see that it's supposedly going to be a huge mosh pit of videogaming madness once again, I have to admit.
I am actually - NOT really looking forward to it, as opposed to my usual attitude. Right now is not really a god time for me to be participating in such insanity, I am really really busy and also really really broke. In fact, I am feeling quite antisocial as well - if it were up to me, I wouldn't mind if they could somehow postpone it for another month or two (that'd make so many things SO much easier). But, of course, the world seldom works that way, so too bad right?
Anyway E3 is usually a celebratory time for me, when I get to go out feeling like "Mr Cool Guy" and getting recklessly drunk in public and making all sorts of scene. This time it will be different, I am sure I will knock back a few at the bar, but really what I want to do is scour the landscape, document as much as I can, I am much more business-minded these days then I was several years ago. With games, the proof is in the pudding, and there will be a whole lot of pudding on display in a few days. It's overwhelming and exhausting to think about, in advance. All I can hope is that some good comes of it, for me..
Things have been tremendously busy for me in the past months. I have been working on several plans with a few different groups of people. Much of it has been back-and-forth-nebulous, but enough of it has powered me to keep going forward. I'll spit some of it out into the world shortly, to whatever consequence.. I am very looking forward to that point, when you cut something loose and truly "get the ball rolling." It's so hard to build up to that initial point, it sounds quite doable on paper but the reality is often that there's so much middling BS to mind as well that things tend to get a little messed up here and there. At this point in my life, in ANY project, I really come to expect it. Still, without speaking too whispy, I will say that I have been exercising my creative muscles quite a lot lately and it's making me feel quite competent. Now, so long as my nerves can hold out in the meantime..
The game world is - well, it's there. This has been a rather quiet spring, leading up to a customarily quiet summer. There's no huge tentpoles sticking out for the other ass-end of the year, 2009 is such a wash compared to an oversaturated 2008 (itself an orgasmic followup to an also hectic 2007). Hell year-on-year it's been this gargantuan, unstoppable, quite ridiculous really. And now here we are at the plateau - gears is behind us, resistance, rock bands and guitar heroes, halo this and that, whatever else it is that sony makes - wii is following up with decent titles these days but their luster has finally worn (no mario kart or zelda these days!) What do we get this year? GTA DLC, Bioshock 2 and.. um. I guess Modern Warfare 2 will clean up at the end of the year. No slouch, but something punchy is missing. A LOT is missing.
I have taken my usually-keen gaze away from the console arena a bit and I've been watching the downloads, the mobile stuff.. not that it's all wacky, but it's at least a little noteworthy. iPhone is the big catchphrase these days, it's no surprise, it is still trying to find it's way as a unique platform (more than enough support is there, it has it's own crazy market, the tech is quite formidable) but the "gamer" market is not quite absolutely embracing it just yet, it's still sort of a glorified Gameboy. I am waiting for someone to come and clean up shop and take over, they are really sitting on a goldmine (and I wonder how long they'll be able to fly in the face of the competitors, specifically Microsoft with it's endless deep pockets and eyes set squarely on "taking over the world of ANY KIND OF OS and INTERFACE DEVICE")
Man, I am so tired. So much thinking, there's a lot of things on my mind these days. I can no longer just sit back ad let some higher-up make the decisions, and hope that they don't trickle down and ruin my life (again). I am trying to be much more proactive, it's a necessity. I will always feel like such an outsider in this spiteful industry, I guess there's something to that then.. Anyway, back to work.
It's a shock really, I've known it was coming for some time now (waiting for it with baited breath) as it's quite a symbol for many things in my life. A deadline, certainly - but also a true milestone, in each of the years since I have moved out here (nearly 10, now!) E3 was effectively put on ice for the last couple of years, reduced to less than a pathetic shadow of it's former grandeur, as it were - I am quite surprised to see that it's supposedly going to be a huge mosh pit of videogaming madness once again, I have to admit.
I am actually - NOT really looking forward to it, as opposed to my usual attitude. Right now is not really a god time for me to be participating in such insanity, I am really really busy and also really really broke. In fact, I am feeling quite antisocial as well - if it were up to me, I wouldn't mind if they could somehow postpone it for another month or two (that'd make so many things SO much easier). But, of course, the world seldom works that way, so too bad right?
Anyway E3 is usually a celebratory time for me, when I get to go out feeling like "Mr Cool Guy" and getting recklessly drunk in public and making all sorts of scene. This time it will be different, I am sure I will knock back a few at the bar, but really what I want to do is scour the landscape, document as much as I can, I am much more business-minded these days then I was several years ago. With games, the proof is in the pudding, and there will be a whole lot of pudding on display in a few days. It's overwhelming and exhausting to think about, in advance. All I can hope is that some good comes of it, for me..
Things have been tremendously busy for me in the past months. I have been working on several plans with a few different groups of people. Much of it has been back-and-forth-nebulous, but enough of it has powered me to keep going forward. I'll spit some of it out into the world shortly, to whatever consequence.. I am very looking forward to that point, when you cut something loose and truly "get the ball rolling." It's so hard to build up to that initial point, it sounds quite doable on paper but the reality is often that there's so much middling BS to mind as well that things tend to get a little messed up here and there. At this point in my life, in ANY project, I really come to expect it. Still, without speaking too whispy, I will say that I have been exercising my creative muscles quite a lot lately and it's making me feel quite competent. Now, so long as my nerves can hold out in the meantime..
The game world is - well, it's there. This has been a rather quiet spring, leading up to a customarily quiet summer. There's no huge tentpoles sticking out for the other ass-end of the year, 2009 is such a wash compared to an oversaturated 2008 (itself an orgasmic followup to an also hectic 2007). Hell year-on-year it's been this gargantuan, unstoppable, quite ridiculous really. And now here we are at the plateau - gears is behind us, resistance, rock bands and guitar heroes, halo this and that, whatever else it is that sony makes - wii is following up with decent titles these days but their luster has finally worn (no mario kart or zelda these days!) What do we get this year? GTA DLC, Bioshock 2 and.. um. I guess Modern Warfare 2 will clean up at the end of the year. No slouch, but something punchy is missing. A LOT is missing.
I have taken my usually-keen gaze away from the console arena a bit and I've been watching the downloads, the mobile stuff.. not that it's all wacky, but it's at least a little noteworthy. iPhone is the big catchphrase these days, it's no surprise, it is still trying to find it's way as a unique platform (more than enough support is there, it has it's own crazy market, the tech is quite formidable) but the "gamer" market is not quite absolutely embracing it just yet, it's still sort of a glorified Gameboy. I am waiting for someone to come and clean up shop and take over, they are really sitting on a goldmine (and I wonder how long they'll be able to fly in the face of the competitors, specifically Microsoft with it's endless deep pockets and eyes set squarely on "taking over the world of ANY KIND OF OS and INTERFACE DEVICE")
Man, I am so tired. So much thinking, there's a lot of things on my mind these days. I can no longer just sit back ad let some higher-up make the decisions, and hope that they don't trickle down and ruin my life (again). I am trying to be much more proactive, it's a necessity. I will always feel like such an outsider in this spiteful industry, I guess there's something to that then.. Anyway, back to work.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
up ahead
4:30am. no good reason to be up. not being very productive. hell i should really go to sleep.
i am in the middle of 30 things right now - is it bad if i leave all of them behind and just drive until my gas tank explodes?
washed my car, found a (precious) parking spot - walked in the door and I immediately got sent out for McDonald's. That was pretty much the deep end of the evening. Also my girlfriend and I spent awhile "discussing our relationship" (isn't it always fun?) I am supposed to be editing sound files right now, but I think I am going to just wrap up and get some sleep instead - after all, tomorrow is another day..
surfing around facebook when you've got no job/money/direction is not a happy thing..
it's not true, i DO have a direction. Actually in the past two days, I put together a decent new idea for an iPhone app - I roughed it out in my head while lying around, and today my biz partner and I discussed it and essentially filled in the blanks. I can't wait to mock it up and get it of the ground - I think this one's got some good potential!
i am in the middle of 30 things right now - is it bad if i leave all of them behind and just drive until my gas tank explodes?
washed my car, found a (precious) parking spot - walked in the door and I immediately got sent out for McDonald's. That was pretty much the deep end of the evening. Also my girlfriend and I spent awhile "discussing our relationship" (isn't it always fun?) I am supposed to be editing sound files right now, but I think I am going to just wrap up and get some sleep instead - after all, tomorrow is another day..
surfing around facebook when you've got no job/money/direction is not a happy thing..
it's not true, i DO have a direction. Actually in the past two days, I put together a decent new idea for an iPhone app - I roughed it out in my head while lying around, and today my biz partner and I discussed it and essentially filled in the blanks. I can't wait to mock it up and get it of the ground - I think this one's got some good potential!
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
the chase is on
what's up whirled.
ron here. still plugging away. life is alright, i don't really feel like journal-entering much these days but i feel it's important - as usual, for my own edification, at least - to dip in and out.
times are tough lately. it's been nearly 4 months since i have been out of work. Fortunately i am receiving an unemployment check every couple of weeks, but it's so close to the wire that i can't maintain my minimum lifestyle on that alone - i need a job! I do have expenses beyond rent+utilities+food, i have lots of meetings every week which requires gas, meals, and a a little petty bit of money for this equipment or that. (it's terribly petty, but still worth mentioning). in spite of things i have been EXTREMELY busy, and quite prolific in that - i think i have mentioned it recently. when i am out of work and stressed i definitely get so "gosh-darned creative" and my imagination cranks into overtime, which is definitely a usefl thing. must find a way to funnel that!! I am working on it..
in that vein, i am definitely pouring out my energies into a lot of avenues (some may accuse me of being too unfocused, and they wouldn't be necessarily wrong). It's a hard time in my life to maintain focus though, but really i am trying the best I can. it feels good to have many irons in the fire, i never like operating with all of my eggs in one basket (if there's any more metaphors out there which i have missed, please forward them to me). anyway i have got to just keep up and doing what i do..
after spending an inordinate amount of time concentrating on indie efforts, i have turned my attentions back towards securing fulltime work with some studio or other. right now i am not being so picky, so long as it pays (more than margnally) better than unemployment and can help me secure things with my short-term financial issues, then i will feel relieved. i definitely had some very promising opportunities which have passed during this period, that was a choice i made - of course i wish they were still on the table (i am not stoooopid!) but i can't beat myself up for not bending over backwards for every half-decent thing that comes down the pipe, there's only so much a single person can do.. anyway i maintain that my work/attitude is good enough to land me somewhere that my talents can be appreciated and well-utilized, it's not necessarily got to be "the very next gig" but i would like to see it happen sooner rather than later. it's been a long time coming, eh? Anyway it's up to me really.
i started sending out my cover letter and resume to a few places once more. I sent one over to Blizzard, king of kings in the games biz these days - they seem to be hiring lots of people for positions lately. i don't particularly expect to hear back from them, but it certainly never hurts to send out a message. I can see myself sitting down at the table with a lot of them for some grinding interview, we get three questions in and they start asking me insane tech stuff about WOW and i come up short - it's a little too late to play catch-up with the hardcore - but hey, maybe they want a little of that, you never know! Whatever, I have plenty of insane tech stuff about this/that/the other thing floating through my head all day anyway.
Also sent an application to the guys who share a building location with my previous employer, there's a hilarious proposition. I have no idea if i'd get a call from them, but it would certainly be hilarious to work only a few flights up from a bunch of my old buddies.. I am sure they have their reservations about hiring people who worked with their neighbors, but you never know.
Still would love to get back into film, i can completely picture in my head what i'd need to do to make a splash on that side. MAN that would be nice. A guy can dream! When things cool down I'll likely start pouring my heart and soul into that end of things.. trying to be careful not to split my time and energy between too many projects these days...
what else to say, as usual there's a billion thoughts racing through my head. it's a tough time in my life, a good time and bad time simultaneously - i feel pretty numb about most of it, i have really been through this cycle so many times by now that it just feels so perfunctory, so normal. i used to wake up in the morning, years ago, when i didn't have a paid gig and i'd just stare at my feet sticking out the other end of the bed and listen to all of the traffic outside, all the people outside rushing around, delivering things, meeting people, making deals, couriering shit. It made me feel so out of the loop, so useless, kind of pointless, hard to motivate - directionless. okay you get the point. These days, every day, I bound out of bed, I have TONS of things to do, leads to follow, designs to plunk down, assets to art, meetings to schedule, ego's to juggle, plans to setup, my social life to keep from falling apart - there's so much to do, it's so busy, i still haven't had a day to really sit on my ass and just chill the hell out. Hey, do I sound like i am on CRACK?
ron here. still plugging away. life is alright, i don't really feel like journal-entering much these days but i feel it's important - as usual, for my own edification, at least - to dip in and out.
times are tough lately. it's been nearly 4 months since i have been out of work. Fortunately i am receiving an unemployment check every couple of weeks, but it's so close to the wire that i can't maintain my minimum lifestyle on that alone - i need a job! I do have expenses beyond rent+utilities+food, i have lots of meetings every week which requires gas, meals, and a a little petty bit of money for this equipment or that. (it's terribly petty, but still worth mentioning). in spite of things i have been EXTREMELY busy, and quite prolific in that - i think i have mentioned it recently. when i am out of work and stressed i definitely get so "gosh-darned creative" and my imagination cranks into overtime, which is definitely a usefl thing. must find a way to funnel that!! I am working on it..
in that vein, i am definitely pouring out my energies into a lot of avenues (some may accuse me of being too unfocused, and they wouldn't be necessarily wrong). It's a hard time in my life to maintain focus though, but really i am trying the best I can. it feels good to have many irons in the fire, i never like operating with all of my eggs in one basket (if there's any more metaphors out there which i have missed, please forward them to me). anyway i have got to just keep up and doing what i do..
after spending an inordinate amount of time concentrating on indie efforts, i have turned my attentions back towards securing fulltime work with some studio or other. right now i am not being so picky, so long as it pays (more than margnally) better than unemployment and can help me secure things with my short-term financial issues, then i will feel relieved. i definitely had some very promising opportunities which have passed during this period, that was a choice i made - of course i wish they were still on the table (i am not stoooopid!) but i can't beat myself up for not bending over backwards for every half-decent thing that comes down the pipe, there's only so much a single person can do.. anyway i maintain that my work/attitude is good enough to land me somewhere that my talents can be appreciated and well-utilized, it's not necessarily got to be "the very next gig" but i would like to see it happen sooner rather than later. it's been a long time coming, eh? Anyway it's up to me really.
i started sending out my cover letter and resume to a few places once more. I sent one over to Blizzard, king of kings in the games biz these days - they seem to be hiring lots of people for positions lately. i don't particularly expect to hear back from them, but it certainly never hurts to send out a message. I can see myself sitting down at the table with a lot of them for some grinding interview, we get three questions in and they start asking me insane tech stuff about WOW and i come up short - it's a little too late to play catch-up with the hardcore - but hey, maybe they want a little of that, you never know! Whatever, I have plenty of insane tech stuff about this/that/the other thing floating through my head all day anyway.
Also sent an application to the guys who share a building location with my previous employer, there's a hilarious proposition. I have no idea if i'd get a call from them, but it would certainly be hilarious to work only a few flights up from a bunch of my old buddies.. I am sure they have their reservations about hiring people who worked with their neighbors, but you never know.
Still would love to get back into film, i can completely picture in my head what i'd need to do to make a splash on that side. MAN that would be nice. A guy can dream! When things cool down I'll likely start pouring my heart and soul into that end of things.. trying to be careful not to split my time and energy between too many projects these days...
what else to say, as usual there's a billion thoughts racing through my head. it's a tough time in my life, a good time and bad time simultaneously - i feel pretty numb about most of it, i have really been through this cycle so many times by now that it just feels so perfunctory, so normal. i used to wake up in the morning, years ago, when i didn't have a paid gig and i'd just stare at my feet sticking out the other end of the bed and listen to all of the traffic outside, all the people outside rushing around, delivering things, meeting people, making deals, couriering shit. It made me feel so out of the loop, so useless, kind of pointless, hard to motivate - directionless. okay you get the point. These days, every day, I bound out of bed, I have TONS of things to do, leads to follow, designs to plunk down, assets to art, meetings to schedule, ego's to juggle, plans to setup, my social life to keep from falling apart - there's so much to do, it's so busy, i still haven't had a day to really sit on my ass and just chill the hell out. Hey, do I sound like i am on CRACK?
Friday, May 01, 2009
hello from the great beyond
well, it has been ages since I have posted on my "game industry blog," how's that then? Things are alright, it's been a few months that I am out of work now. All things considered, overall it is not bad. I am exceptionally busy, probably as much as I usually am during the thickest of it - trying to maintain my nerves as there's just so much volume to deal with lately. I feel like I finally understand how a producer feels, in some regards - just spending the day on the phone with this guy or that fellow, trying to see where everything is at, trying to keep some cover on the documentation of everything, trying to plan backups for A, B and C, and essentially trying to be the glue that holds everything together in some fashion. And, trying to be creative and productive on TOP of that (and also take out the trash, do the laundry). Hey! Yesterday I went to the gym! It was the first time in weeks.. sigh..
Despite my frenetic pace, I am in a good place. There's a lot of progress going on, it's not by any means smooth but I am certainly getting a lot of things taken care of. I am feeling ridiculously creative right now - since I am no longer quite so pigeonholed (and feeling powerless in that way), my brain is free to spit things out in a forum where it's actually useful for a change. I am getting a lot of valid ideas on the table, some useful, others which lead to usefulness, in some ways. It is very invigorating. Sure, I am broke and stressed, but at least I feel happier for a change..
The game world is pretty mellow these days, unsurprisingly. Not much new is out, not much is on the horizon. No surprise for this year, truly an in-between year in the Annals of Game History. I played the demo for Bionic Commando last night (the next-gen version) - they put out a multiplayer demo. Not my thing, but then, I am no multiplayer combatant. Seems fine for what it is, and some people like it. I think when the full game releases, it will look alright!
I am spending a lot of time watching the iPhone scene lately. very, very interesting market. Man, Apple are such stalwarts, everything they do is always so zigzaggy and stubborn but - damn them, they ALWAYS figure it out somehow!! I have much to day about iPhone.. for now I gotta get a move on..
Despite my frenetic pace, I am in a good place. There's a lot of progress going on, it's not by any means smooth but I am certainly getting a lot of things taken care of. I am feeling ridiculously creative right now - since I am no longer quite so pigeonholed (and feeling powerless in that way), my brain is free to spit things out in a forum where it's actually useful for a change. I am getting a lot of valid ideas on the table, some useful, others which lead to usefulness, in some ways. It is very invigorating. Sure, I am broke and stressed, but at least I feel happier for a change..
The game world is pretty mellow these days, unsurprisingly. Not much new is out, not much is on the horizon. No surprise for this year, truly an in-between year in the Annals of Game History. I played the demo for Bionic Commando last night (the next-gen version) - they put out a multiplayer demo. Not my thing, but then, I am no multiplayer combatant. Seems fine for what it is, and some people like it. I think when the full game releases, it will look alright!
I am spending a lot of time watching the iPhone scene lately. very, very interesting market. Man, Apple are such stalwarts, everything they do is always so zigzaggy and stubborn but - damn them, they ALWAYS figure it out somehow!! I have much to day about iPhone.. for now I gotta get a move on..
Thursday, April 16, 2009
yes i am a cruel mean guy
Yeah. Yeah I am. yeah.
Tired. Sleepy. I am sitting here trying to do work (and getting a little sidetracked) - my girlfriend is watching one of those latenight TV shows (Jimmy Fallon) with Elmo as a guest. It's very invigorating, trust me.
Life is alright. Super busy. I am hustling like a madman right now. Every day I hop in my car and drive here, there, or somewhere in between to meet this dude or that cat. It's good to keep running around, making contacts, finding leads, talking about plans - helping me get a little more confidence in what it is I am trying to do, none of it is really hard but of course the climate is a little peculiar right now (you know, what with everyone being jobless and broke and everything). But hey. It's a life.
I have been hitting the little comedy theater up the road from me lately. it's such a nice little sidestep out of my usual routine, I am so glad to have that stuff in my life. Five bucks and a night out with my friends for a couple of hours of standup in their tiny little closet of a place - yes it is quite intimate. We usually bring a couple of sixpacks in there (makes it crappy when you gotta run to the toilet in-between sets!) but really, it's one of the nice little perks of being out here! We hit the neighborhood bar next door to have some drinks, eat some wings and shoot the breeze after - then after my girlfriend and her buddy called it a night, the rest of us piled into a cab van and shot over to cinespace for some madness dancing. Still my favorite club! They always have a DJ up front and a band or something going on in back - the dude in back (dunno who it was) was actually putting on a really energetic set, I enjoyed it! I ran onstage like in the old days, the bouncer wasn't too keen on that but I get down before he decided to kick me out (which is good. I haven't got kicked outta space in a long time. It's not a nice feeling!) We headed home after the place closed, ordered pink dot (yay cigarettes and pizza at 3am!) and played Jenga. A good night!
Gonna try and do some more work then call it a night. I didn't get much zzz's the last couple of days-
Tired. Sleepy. I am sitting here trying to do work (and getting a little sidetracked) - my girlfriend is watching one of those latenight TV shows (Jimmy Fallon) with Elmo as a guest. It's very invigorating, trust me.
Life is alright. Super busy. I am hustling like a madman right now. Every day I hop in my car and drive here, there, or somewhere in between to meet this dude or that cat. It's good to keep running around, making contacts, finding leads, talking about plans - helping me get a little more confidence in what it is I am trying to do, none of it is really hard but of course the climate is a little peculiar right now (you know, what with everyone being jobless and broke and everything). But hey. It's a life.
I have been hitting the little comedy theater up the road from me lately. it's such a nice little sidestep out of my usual routine, I am so glad to have that stuff in my life. Five bucks and a night out with my friends for a couple of hours of standup in their tiny little closet of a place - yes it is quite intimate. We usually bring a couple of sixpacks in there (makes it crappy when you gotta run to the toilet in-between sets!) but really, it's one of the nice little perks of being out here! We hit the neighborhood bar next door to have some drinks, eat some wings and shoot the breeze after - then after my girlfriend and her buddy called it a night, the rest of us piled into a cab van and shot over to cinespace for some madness dancing. Still my favorite club! They always have a DJ up front and a band or something going on in back - the dude in back (dunno who it was) was actually putting on a really energetic set, I enjoyed it! I ran onstage like in the old days, the bouncer wasn't too keen on that but I get down before he decided to kick me out (which is good. I haven't got kicked outta space in a long time. It's not a nice feeling!) We headed home after the place closed, ordered pink dot (yay cigarettes and pizza at 3am!) and played Jenga. A good night!
Gonna try and do some more work then call it a night. I didn't get much zzz's the last couple of days-
Sunday, April 12, 2009
dying in s-t-y-l-e
what's up, blog that I never use anymore. Hey, it's true. I have other things to do these days!
Honestly, I had been rather prolific on this thing, but lately this (and the other) are fairly neglected. I attribute it to being really busy, tired of whining, and feeling like there's a lot going on in my life that I should probably keep mum about. So, then.
Things are alright. it's been two months since I've been out of work (again). It's a weird feeling, still not a happy one (I have bad dreams.. a lot!) but it is bittersweet. As I have said, I was not very happy with the path I was one, and hopefully my new direction can be a much more positive one. It is hard to say though - all I can do is work hard, try to make the best decisions I can, and keep my outlook positive and constructive.
The week was really busy (they all are!) I am running around these days, a lot - but I have had some time to sit in front of the PC and mess with actual work stuff, which hasn't been bad. There's a little comedy theater up the street from my house (when I say "little" I mean "the size of your closet") and it's a treat to head over there now and again, pick up a six-pack, and enjoy some nerdy comedy once in awhile so I can forget about the things that ail me. A group of us went there Tuesday night, it was a lot of fun - then, powered by a bit of booze, my friend MVG and I headed to Cahuenga and Hollywood to drown our misery (we did a good job of it), got home somehow...
Thursday night I was invited to a Passover Sedar (my first one in... 9 years!!!!), which was certainly interesting. I got to read the Four Questions, my hebrew was (ahem) rather rusty. But hey, y'know. The food was REALLY good! Overall, it did strike a chord and reminded me very much of being a kid and attending those. Afterward my friends coaxed me out for some drinks at the neighborhood bar- the night got a little dramatic, after the rambunctious evening that was Tuesday night, I decided to take it slower and didn't go over-the-top with partying (I didn't have the mood for it!). The high point was going back to my place and plugging in the Super Nintendo and walloping my buddy in Street Fighter 2. Man - I miss the good old days. I still have to say that one of my favorite things in the world is coming back from a wild night and playing some games with my friends, it's not something that really happens in my life much anymore - but when we do, I completely enjoy it.
On that note, I will take an aside for one moment and say that I don't like the current trend towards online play. I admire the tech, and I can completely understand why it is popular (and necessary, even) - but I will never get the same enjoyment out of playing a game vs. another human when they are not actually right there beside me, it feels kinda pointless to me, personally. I guess that's my old-fashioned-ness kicking in.
Furthermore, I can completely not enjoy video games at all like I would if it were not my profession. I can never "go back," but I just wanna say that those of you out there who turn to such things for recreation, in a way I do envy you...!
----------------------------------------------------
Facebook. Everyone in the damned world is on Facebook now. Even me (my girlfriend decided that this would happen!) Arriving late to the party on Facebook is a strange feeling indeed - now that Myspace, which was once the hip domain of us trashy slutty partiers, is completely passe' the world has shifted it's attention to something more malevolent. But, it's strange to look at Facebook. Instead of the blog posts and comments of Myspace, we get plugged into everyone's day-to-day thoughts on FB, it is strange. It's too much! I guess I feel like an outsider since I got in so late - as well, it is just weird to see people on there who never really plugged into myspace and now are totally into that vein, people I know from my past. It's a bizarre feeling, I don't know how to describe it. Makes me feel kind of lonely or something, like I don't belong there (not just the stupid online service, you know what I mean). I am tired of the virtual world, it's doing a good job of replacing the real world and that concerns me. I will keep blogging, not because "I am merely a hypocrite" but rather, I do want to keep a journal of my life that I can look back on (when I get old and boring for REAL). That's really the only part of this that matters much to me anymore, the rest of it is just business.
Tonight we went out for Thai food with May's friend Thao. The food was extremely tasty, I am very fortunate to live in a place where there is such a variety of delicious (and affordable) food available all over the place, and just a short drive away. Hollywood/Los Angeles is a crazy place with lots of ups and downs, but no doubt about it there's a GREAT representation of worldwide culture sampled here, en masse..
Otherwise, the high point of my day was dragging my Hammock into the backlot and resting in the sun for about 20-30 minutes. It was party cloudy today, every time the sun went behind the clouds I'd get chilly and wake up - then a moment or two later it would peek back out, I'd warm up and pass peacefully back out into a relaxed rest. It was short, but pretty nice. It's gonna be a hectic busy week - there's too much stuff to do - and so, I go...
Honestly, I had been rather prolific on this thing, but lately this (and the other) are fairly neglected. I attribute it to being really busy, tired of whining, and feeling like there's a lot going on in my life that I should probably keep mum about. So, then.
Things are alright. it's been two months since I've been out of work (again). It's a weird feeling, still not a happy one (I have bad dreams.. a lot!) but it is bittersweet. As I have said, I was not very happy with the path I was one, and hopefully my new direction can be a much more positive one. It is hard to say though - all I can do is work hard, try to make the best decisions I can, and keep my outlook positive and constructive.
The week was really busy (they all are!) I am running around these days, a lot - but I have had some time to sit in front of the PC and mess with actual work stuff, which hasn't been bad. There's a little comedy theater up the street from my house (when I say "little" I mean "the size of your closet") and it's a treat to head over there now and again, pick up a six-pack, and enjoy some nerdy comedy once in awhile so I can forget about the things that ail me. A group of us went there Tuesday night, it was a lot of fun - then, powered by a bit of booze, my friend MVG and I headed to Cahuenga and Hollywood to drown our misery (we did a good job of it), got home somehow...
Thursday night I was invited to a Passover Sedar (my first one in... 9 years!!!!), which was certainly interesting. I got to read the Four Questions, my hebrew was (ahem) rather rusty. But hey, y'know. The food was REALLY good! Overall, it did strike a chord and reminded me very much of being a kid and attending those. Afterward my friends coaxed me out for some drinks at the neighborhood bar- the night got a little dramatic, after the rambunctious evening that was Tuesday night, I decided to take it slower and didn't go over-the-top with partying (I didn't have the mood for it!). The high point was going back to my place and plugging in the Super Nintendo and walloping my buddy in Street Fighter 2. Man - I miss the good old days. I still have to say that one of my favorite things in the world is coming back from a wild night and playing some games with my friends, it's not something that really happens in my life much anymore - but when we do, I completely enjoy it.
On that note, I will take an aside for one moment and say that I don't like the current trend towards online play. I admire the tech, and I can completely understand why it is popular (and necessary, even) - but I will never get the same enjoyment out of playing a game vs. another human when they are not actually right there beside me, it feels kinda pointless to me, personally. I guess that's my old-fashioned-ness kicking in.
Furthermore, I can completely not enjoy video games at all like I would if it were not my profession. I can never "go back," but I just wanna say that those of you out there who turn to such things for recreation, in a way I do envy you...!
----------------------------------------------------
Facebook. Everyone in the damned world is on Facebook now. Even me (my girlfriend decided that this would happen!) Arriving late to the party on Facebook is a strange feeling indeed - now that Myspace, which was once the hip domain of us trashy slutty partiers, is completely passe' the world has shifted it's attention to something more malevolent. But, it's strange to look at Facebook. Instead of the blog posts and comments of Myspace, we get plugged into everyone's day-to-day thoughts on FB, it is strange. It's too much! I guess I feel like an outsider since I got in so late - as well, it is just weird to see people on there who never really plugged into myspace and now are totally into that vein, people I know from my past. It's a bizarre feeling, I don't know how to describe it. Makes me feel kind of lonely or something, like I don't belong there (not just the stupid online service, you know what I mean). I am tired of the virtual world, it's doing a good job of replacing the real world and that concerns me. I will keep blogging, not because "I am merely a hypocrite" but rather, I do want to keep a journal of my life that I can look back on (when I get old and boring for REAL). That's really the only part of this that matters much to me anymore, the rest of it is just business.
Tonight we went out for Thai food with May's friend Thao. The food was extremely tasty, I am very fortunate to live in a place where there is such a variety of delicious (and affordable) food available all over the place, and just a short drive away. Hollywood/Los Angeles is a crazy place with lots of ups and downs, but no doubt about it there's a GREAT representation of worldwide culture sampled here, en masse..
Otherwise, the high point of my day was dragging my Hammock into the backlot and resting in the sun for about 20-30 minutes. It was party cloudy today, every time the sun went behind the clouds I'd get chilly and wake up - then a moment or two later it would peek back out, I'd warm up and pass peacefully back out into a relaxed rest. It was short, but pretty nice. It's gonna be a hectic busy week - there's too much stuff to do - and so, I go...
Saturday, April 04, 2009
my, it is quiet in here
myspace is pretty dead these days - but i guess it has been for awhile now. everyone who is cool is on facebook!! My girlfriend MADE me get an account there as well (sigh), but honestly - as noted recently, I am rather tired of the online social scene myself. It was novel (and fun) when I was single, sure, and if that was again the case I am sure I'd be more into it. But honestly I just haven't got much time to be surfing around the net these days anyway. It's all business!!
Things are alright. I just passed two months of unemployment. I have most of my middling things taken care of by now, all the little odds and ends that build up in life and seem to sit on the sidelines. Still a couple to handle, I suppose that it will all "never" be leveled out.. Otherwise, life is extremely busy, between meetings and planning and looking towards the future. How do I put this? I feel excited, but it is tempered with stress. I think the naive part of me has finally reached a point where it just wants to say "uncle. ok. just do whatever" and the bitter, jaded part of me sas "noooo! I need you, naive part!" There is usually a very delicate dance between those two, anyway..
My mood is okay, considering the falling-apart sate of the world that you hear in the day-to-day news, I feel like I am keeping a good-enough face. It's hard to ever really get down in Hollywood (contrary to what I have said 1,000 times). Well if it was really true, would I not have left by now? The upside of what's going on (not steady work) is that my social life gets to enjoy some rejuvenation, I am seeing lots of old friends whom I have not been in touch with, for ages.. Usually the topic of discussion is heavily colored by business, but that's what we are about I suppose.
Upsetting dreams last night, dreams about mortality and age - I am feeling older, it's true. I don't like that I am in my mid-thirties and still haven't got to some more established level in my life; at the same time, I acknowledge that I may be somewhat hard on myself, it's one of those "shit, I know kung fu!" things that hits you now and again. Oh if everything were so easy. Anywya in spite of my apparent lack of confidence, I seem to feel strongly that "I know what I am doing, as usual, and it's all according to the plan." I guess I can say more than many, in that regard.
2009 will be an interesting year. It is going to be rough, my head will hurt a lot, and I won't come into much money - likely, less than the previous year, to be honest. But hopefully it's a solid setup for the next few.
Things are alright. I just passed two months of unemployment. I have most of my middling things taken care of by now, all the little odds and ends that build up in life and seem to sit on the sidelines. Still a couple to handle, I suppose that it will all "never" be leveled out.. Otherwise, life is extremely busy, between meetings and planning and looking towards the future. How do I put this? I feel excited, but it is tempered with stress. I think the naive part of me has finally reached a point where it just wants to say "uncle. ok. just do whatever" and the bitter, jaded part of me sas "noooo! I need you, naive part!" There is usually a very delicate dance between those two, anyway..
My mood is okay, considering the falling-apart sate of the world that you hear in the day-to-day news, I feel like I am keeping a good-enough face. It's hard to ever really get down in Hollywood (contrary to what I have said 1,000 times). Well if it was really true, would I not have left by now? The upside of what's going on (not steady work) is that my social life gets to enjoy some rejuvenation, I am seeing lots of old friends whom I have not been in touch with, for ages.. Usually the topic of discussion is heavily colored by business, but that's what we are about I suppose.
Upsetting dreams last night, dreams about mortality and age - I am feeling older, it's true. I don't like that I am in my mid-thirties and still haven't got to some more established level in my life; at the same time, I acknowledge that I may be somewhat hard on myself, it's one of those "shit, I know kung fu!" things that hits you now and again. Oh if everything were so easy. Anywya in spite of my apparent lack of confidence, I seem to feel strongly that "I know what I am doing, as usual, and it's all according to the plan." I guess I can say more than many, in that regard.
2009 will be an interesting year. It is going to be rough, my head will hurt a lot, and I won't come into much money - likely, less than the previous year, to be honest. But hopefully it's a solid setup for the next few.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
slag on
what's up party people. party ass people. yeah that's right, i am talking to you. soooooo.. long time no see.
still unemployed, despite that i am still incredibly busy, i have done a couple of all-nighters in the past couple of weeks. i am working with some fellas on a demo and it's requiring a lot of time and labor - but that's cool! good to keep busy. hopefully i will have some good news outta that at some point.
trying to get out of the apartment when possible, i don't mind being a layabout but i go kinda crazy locked up in my box here. i try to get out to the gym every couple of days (at least!). If I go more than 3 days without showing up i feel guilty, guilty, guilty.. plus i just paid a couple hunnert bucks for a membership (for two years?) so I gotta get mah money's worth!
trying to keep it mellow besides. going out means spending money, and i need to hoard what i can in these times. eating in a lot, obviously i am not much of a snacker (which is good for a few reasons). i wish i could say i was a healthier eater - i am not the worst, of course..! But yeah keeping my extra-curricular activities to a minimum as much as possible. i'd love to go out and get wasted every night (because REALLY.. who wouldn't?) but that's a short trip to a long list of troubles, so nix on that. it's tempting in that "well hell, i don't need to be up arly for work or to be anywhere!" A couple local places have free booze on certain nights which isn't bad (and i can get drunk pretty quickly) so it's, i guess, "nice" to know i can take advantage of that if it comes to it. sigh, what's a derelict to do...
kudos to my friends for taking care of me, a few of them have been spotting me during my period of lack of income - i hate feeling needy, but for those of you who read this, it is MUCH appreciated. I hope you don't consider me a mooch and know that I will always get you back as well (I think I try to do a somewhat decent job of it, when I can..) But yeah, I can't say thanks enough - though I must stress I certainly don't expect it (but if it's there I won't say "i insist, no charity!!") Though if this ends up dragging on for several months (ugh) my attitude will certainly change into a much more hermetic style, for reasons which would make sense...!!!
so i am sitting here a lot, cranking away on my PC every day and night - like I said, there's a LOT of work to be done. I have accomplished much, and feel like I have just barely got started. It is nice being able to merely stroll downstairs at my leisure to get busy, as opposed to (sigh) driving an hour each way for 50 miles each trip, to and from work (not that I am being particular!) but yes - working at home does have it's drawbacks. My PC is always sitting there, in the little nook, looking at me.. "you have things to do." I really wish I had another room or something, anything, to promote separation of work and.. .the rest of my life. Granted, I'd just be holed up in that little room or whatever all the time, but it would make it easier to head over to the couch for a little RnR now and then without thinking "dammit though I can't relax I got THANGS TO DO!!!" Well, I have a hammock, and a backlot, I can setup out there when it gets back to being a little warmer if need be. Nice little respite.
And yes - I am definitely getting crazier as I age. I am - generally - a fairly laid-back guy, to a fault. Really, I think with some of the stuff I have dealt with, not that so much of it is particularly monstrous or anything even faintly approaching, but my nerves have been capsized a good several hundreds of thousands of times now from the stresses of everyday life and such - also I am a Jew, which means I have a tendency to operate on the level of some constant neurosis or other. As I age, these things just exacerbate. And now, bottled up as I am in my little apartment, I feel like the goldfish who keeps growing big enough to just barely fit in the fishbowl. I share this space with my girlfriend, and though I certainly love her, I think we can both sense that "we are here ALL THE TIME TOGETHER." She is there on the couch, mashing away on the keys of her laptop (as I write this .. and most likely, as you, dear reader, are reading this).. and sure, at some point she will read this as well and gimme a smack (the bad kind, not the good one!) But yeah I know we can both sense the weight of the hours piling up as we cohabit this small space, and it's making us.. pesky and snappy at one another. As I said, I am aging and my neuroses are swelling.. the past few years I have developed this autistic-like sensitivity to background noise, especially anything random or strangely-patterned. I used to sit next to a guy who tapped his hands against his desk ALL DAMN DAY. Drove me fucking nuts. Then I Sat next to this girl with the loudest freaking keyboard ever. CHUNK-G-CHUNK-G-CHUNK. She was the nicest person in the world but sound of her fingers assaulting the ivories made me go spastic "ahhh GEEEZ!" Man, was I relieved when she accidentally busted her keyboard and had to get a (much quieter) new one.. Still loud and tappy, but only half as bad.
I got moved into a new office after awhile and sat next to this designer, bald dude. Man - THAT guy was silent. I would occasionally have to keep turning around to check if he was still there. The guy was like some kind of.. game-designing ninja. Quietest man EVER. I think I would marry this guy, the hell with sexual preference. He was just so damned quiet, like a dead fly or something.
But, yeah. So I am at home now. And my girlfriend pa-pa-pounds the shit out of her little laptop keyboard all day long (and all night long and all early-morning long). And once again my oversensitive ears go crazy from it. And she is so sweet and innocent that she doesn't even know it makes me insane (even if I poke and prod her about it). So this is where it starts getting pathetic - I was at Circuit City, they just closed down but prior to that they had had a huge clearance sale for like EVERYTHING, all the stock. I wandered in "hmm oh.. what's this? Noise reducing earphones? Could this be.. mana from heaven, perhaps?" Yeah I heard of these before, even looked into them for a bit when I was working next to tap-tap-tappy dude, but damn.. so expensive (getting on 2 bills!) But here at CC, they had a pair of cheapo-knockoffo-brand for like 30 clams! So hell. Sure I am outta work, but losing my sanity.. So I shelled out. Well.. they KINDA worked, you put in a AAA battery and press a switch and then it makes a little distant faint-static noise which sounds like nothing, but kills the bottom level a little. Fair enough! It's ben keeping me happy enough (plus you can still plug them in and use them like regular headphones, which makes sense). They are a little gripping tight and hurt to wear after like 20-30 min, but not too bad.
So, yeah, pathetic. But it gets WORSE. The stupid cheapo headphones alone weren't doing the trick. I can't listen to music all the time (makes me kinda nuts if i do that too) so you know what I did! I downloaded some white noise MP3s. Okay, new lows. Really. I can't believe people put this stuff up online, but sure enough! I listened to a few.. airplane cabin, hair dryer, eponymous white noise.. they sounded alright, but there's one I found called "brown noise" which just fits the bill the best. Oh man, this is so sad. I want to make a mix CD of different white noises (not really).
But whatever. It's making it a little easier. Tune in next week when I decide to stop wearing clothes, eating, and only speak and write in pig-latin. huzzah!
still unemployed, despite that i am still incredibly busy, i have done a couple of all-nighters in the past couple of weeks. i am working with some fellas on a demo and it's requiring a lot of time and labor - but that's cool! good to keep busy. hopefully i will have some good news outta that at some point.
trying to get out of the apartment when possible, i don't mind being a layabout but i go kinda crazy locked up in my box here. i try to get out to the gym every couple of days (at least!). If I go more than 3 days without showing up i feel guilty, guilty, guilty.. plus i just paid a couple hunnert bucks for a membership (for two years?) so I gotta get mah money's worth!
trying to keep it mellow besides. going out means spending money, and i need to hoard what i can in these times. eating in a lot, obviously i am not much of a snacker (which is good for a few reasons). i wish i could say i was a healthier eater - i am not the worst, of course..! But yeah keeping my extra-curricular activities to a minimum as much as possible. i'd love to go out and get wasted every night (because REALLY.. who wouldn't?) but that's a short trip to a long list of troubles, so nix on that. it's tempting in that "well hell, i don't need to be up arly for work or to be anywhere!" A couple local places have free booze on certain nights which isn't bad (and i can get drunk pretty quickly) so it's, i guess, "nice" to know i can take advantage of that if it comes to it. sigh, what's a derelict to do...
kudos to my friends for taking care of me, a few of them have been spotting me during my period of lack of income - i hate feeling needy, but for those of you who read this, it is MUCH appreciated. I hope you don't consider me a mooch and know that I will always get you back as well (I think I try to do a somewhat decent job of it, when I can..) But yeah, I can't say thanks enough - though I must stress I certainly don't expect it (but if it's there I won't say "i insist, no charity!!") Though if this ends up dragging on for several months (ugh) my attitude will certainly change into a much more hermetic style, for reasons which would make sense...!!!
so i am sitting here a lot, cranking away on my PC every day and night - like I said, there's a LOT of work to be done. I have accomplished much, and feel like I have just barely got started. It is nice being able to merely stroll downstairs at my leisure to get busy, as opposed to (sigh) driving an hour each way for 50 miles each trip, to and from work (not that I am being particular!) but yes - working at home does have it's drawbacks. My PC is always sitting there, in the little nook, looking at me.. "you have things to do." I really wish I had another room or something, anything, to promote separation of work and.. .the rest of my life. Granted, I'd just be holed up in that little room or whatever all the time, but it would make it easier to head over to the couch for a little RnR now and then without thinking "dammit though I can't relax I got THANGS TO DO!!!" Well, I have a hammock, and a backlot, I can setup out there when it gets back to being a little warmer if need be. Nice little respite.
And yes - I am definitely getting crazier as I age. I am - generally - a fairly laid-back guy, to a fault. Really, I think with some of the stuff I have dealt with, not that so much of it is particularly monstrous or anything even faintly approaching, but my nerves have been capsized a good several hundreds of thousands of times now from the stresses of everyday life and such - also I am a Jew, which means I have a tendency to operate on the level of some constant neurosis or other. As I age, these things just exacerbate. And now, bottled up as I am in my little apartment, I feel like the goldfish who keeps growing big enough to just barely fit in the fishbowl. I share this space with my girlfriend, and though I certainly love her, I think we can both sense that "we are here ALL THE TIME TOGETHER." She is there on the couch, mashing away on the keys of her laptop (as I write this .. and most likely, as you, dear reader, are reading this).. and sure, at some point she will read this as well and gimme a smack (the bad kind, not the good one!) But yeah I know we can both sense the weight of the hours piling up as we cohabit this small space, and it's making us.. pesky and snappy at one another. As I said, I am aging and my neuroses are swelling.. the past few years I have developed this autistic-like sensitivity to background noise, especially anything random or strangely-patterned. I used to sit next to a guy who tapped his hands against his desk ALL DAMN DAY. Drove me fucking nuts. Then I Sat next to this girl with the loudest freaking keyboard ever. CHUNK-G-CHUNK-G-CHUNK. She was the nicest person in the world but sound of her fingers assaulting the ivories made me go spastic "ahhh GEEEZ!" Man, was I relieved when she accidentally busted her keyboard and had to get a (much quieter) new one.. Still loud and tappy, but only half as bad.
I got moved into a new office after awhile and sat next to this designer, bald dude. Man - THAT guy was silent. I would occasionally have to keep turning around to check if he was still there. The guy was like some kind of.. game-designing ninja. Quietest man EVER. I think I would marry this guy, the hell with sexual preference. He was just so damned quiet, like a dead fly or something.
But, yeah. So I am at home now. And my girlfriend pa-pa-pounds the shit out of her little laptop keyboard all day long (and all night long and all early-morning long). And once again my oversensitive ears go crazy from it. And she is so sweet and innocent that she doesn't even know it makes me insane (even if I poke and prod her about it). So this is where it starts getting pathetic - I was at Circuit City, they just closed down but prior to that they had had a huge clearance sale for like EVERYTHING, all the stock. I wandered in "hmm oh.. what's this? Noise reducing earphones? Could this be.. mana from heaven, perhaps?" Yeah I heard of these before, even looked into them for a bit when I was working next to tap-tap-tappy dude, but damn.. so expensive (getting on 2 bills!) But here at CC, they had a pair of cheapo-knockoffo-brand for like 30 clams! So hell. Sure I am outta work, but losing my sanity.. So I shelled out. Well.. they KINDA worked, you put in a AAA battery and press a switch and then it makes a little distant faint-static noise which sounds like nothing, but kills the bottom level a little. Fair enough! It's ben keeping me happy enough (plus you can still plug them in and use them like regular headphones, which makes sense). They are a little gripping tight and hurt to wear after like 20-30 min, but not too bad.
So, yeah, pathetic. But it gets WORSE. The stupid cheapo headphones alone weren't doing the trick. I can't listen to music all the time (makes me kinda nuts if i do that too) so you know what I did! I downloaded some white noise MP3s. Okay, new lows. Really. I can't believe people put this stuff up online, but sure enough! I listened to a few.. airplane cabin, hair dryer, eponymous white noise.. they sounded alright, but there's one I found called "brown noise" which just fits the bill the best. Oh man, this is so sad. I want to make a mix CD of different white noises (not really).
But whatever. It's making it a little easier. Tune in next week when I decide to stop wearing clothes, eating, and only speak and write in pig-latin. huzzah!
Monday, February 23, 2009
nastiness
Oh, I feel dirty. It was bad enough when (gulp) I acquired an Xbox 360, PS3 and Wii all within mere months of one another. Worse, when I participated in some kind of online connections with each. But now-- NOW-- I have actually downloaded and installed Steam onto my PC. HEAVEN HELP ME - I KNOW NOT WHAT I HAVE DONE. Sigh. That's just for research. It can't have any possible bad repercussions in the future, can it? ULP.
Things are alright. I am busy as hell with all that has been going on. Learning lots of stuff. Running things thru my head, particularly business-wise. To be honest, it's nice sitting around at home and really I'd love to pull away from the PC and plant in front of the TV and just.. play some frickin' GAMES, man. Once in awhile I will look into my shelf full of software, longingly "soon, my pets... soon.." You know what - some of those discs have been sitting there for YEARS. Some of them have never even been removed from their cases, even - pathetic, eh? It's not laziness, it's just I don't have time to enjoy my hobby anymore! What used to be my hobby anyway.. Well, if I DID have time to indulge right now, I am sure I'd be further investing time into LittleBigPlanet - also Thunder Force VI which I picked up as a second-hand import. My friends gave me some Xbox points for my bday so I would likely check out R-type Dimensions, 'cause it looks so neat and trippy. Honestly, as mentioned earlier, I am anticipating the eventual release of Space Invaders Xtreme (or whatever they call it) on Live - that's probably my #1 interest in all of gaming, odd as it may sound (I still regularly enjoy rounds of the oldschool one - even all these years later, there's still something weirdly entrancing about it). Otherwise, hook my X-Arcade stick up to the original Xbox and go to town with Mame. Right now my idea of paradise, dorky as it sounds, is going through a 12-pack and a full day of no worries and just that..
I have a new PC running here at home.. it's a.. damn, I AM so weak with the tech... a P4 3.80 Ghz, 2GB of Ram. Some kinda video card in there too. In spite of it all, I am a shitty nerd so I don't know what that means so much, other than that it doesn't choke and kill me wen I try and run Photoshop, a 3D app and mayyyybe a game engine all at the same time. It might not be psyched, but at least it doesn't crawl. Also, unlike my old box, the thing hardly sounds like a damned vacuum cleaner when it is running. I like the future! And, more bonus, it doesn't take 35 minutes from powering the on-switch! Well okay that last one is likely my own fault, between age, viruses, adware, shitty uber-fragmented drives and what-have-you. Also, this is funny - i have an older (couple years) 500Gb USB drive, Maxtor, it was essentially my jukebox - that and a bunch of necessary data as well, it pooped out on me like a good 9 months ago or so. I tried the freezer trick. i tossed it around a bit (bad idea). I set it in the closet for.. oh, 7 months. One day I will have enough spare scratch, perhaps, to shuffle it around for resuscitation, oh I dunno if it is worth it even. But I did find a "hard drive repair" program which attempts to file through the partitions and see what can be salvaged. Sure, why not, it's just sitting in the damn closet anyway! Ah so it's been plugged in, and the app's been running. I launched it.. Uh.. a week and a half ago? Let's see where it is now (checks) 14%. Oh okay that's incredibly promising. So now it's what, almost the end of February? So sometime after July 4th then maybe I can see how much of my data got corrupted then? Sigh.
Things are alright. I am busy as hell with all that has been going on. Learning lots of stuff. Running things thru my head, particularly business-wise. To be honest, it's nice sitting around at home and really I'd love to pull away from the PC and plant in front of the TV and just.. play some frickin' GAMES, man. Once in awhile I will look into my shelf full of software, longingly "soon, my pets... soon.." You know what - some of those discs have been sitting there for YEARS. Some of them have never even been removed from their cases, even - pathetic, eh? It's not laziness, it's just I don't have time to enjoy my hobby anymore! What used to be my hobby anyway.. Well, if I DID have time to indulge right now, I am sure I'd be further investing time into LittleBigPlanet - also Thunder Force VI which I picked up as a second-hand import. My friends gave me some Xbox points for my bday so I would likely check out R-type Dimensions, 'cause it looks so neat and trippy. Honestly, as mentioned earlier, I am anticipating the eventual release of Space Invaders Xtreme (or whatever they call it) on Live - that's probably my #1 interest in all of gaming, odd as it may sound (I still regularly enjoy rounds of the oldschool one - even all these years later, there's still something weirdly entrancing about it). Otherwise, hook my X-Arcade stick up to the original Xbox and go to town with Mame. Right now my idea of paradise, dorky as it sounds, is going through a 12-pack and a full day of no worries and just that..
I have a new PC running here at home.. it's a.. damn, I AM so weak with the tech... a P4 3.80 Ghz, 2GB of Ram. Some kinda video card in there too. In spite of it all, I am a shitty nerd so I don't know what that means so much, other than that it doesn't choke and kill me wen I try and run Photoshop, a 3D app and mayyyybe a game engine all at the same time. It might not be psyched, but at least it doesn't crawl. Also, unlike my old box, the thing hardly sounds like a damned vacuum cleaner when it is running. I like the future! And, more bonus, it doesn't take 35 minutes from powering the on-switch! Well okay that last one is likely my own fault, between age, viruses, adware, shitty uber-fragmented drives and what-have-you. Also, this is funny - i have an older (couple years) 500Gb USB drive, Maxtor, it was essentially my jukebox - that and a bunch of necessary data as well, it pooped out on me like a good 9 months ago or so. I tried the freezer trick. i tossed it around a bit (bad idea). I set it in the closet for.. oh, 7 months. One day I will have enough spare scratch, perhaps, to shuffle it around for resuscitation, oh I dunno if it is worth it even. But I did find a "hard drive repair" program which attempts to file through the partitions and see what can be salvaged. Sure, why not, it's just sitting in the damn closet anyway! Ah so it's been plugged in, and the app's been running. I launched it.. Uh.. a week and a half ago? Let's see where it is now (checks) 14%. Oh okay that's incredibly promising. So now it's what, almost the end of February? So sometime after July 4th then maybe I can see how much of my data got corrupted then? Sigh.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
so, then
Saturday night. Pretty tired. Stayed up late last night (sigh, yeah, I am falling into -that- routine), got up outta bed/shower/store/get to meeting for a large chunk of the day, then to the Gym, then eat a salad, then increase my chances of becoming a diabetic (craving sugar lately, something awful), then some follow-up work stuff at home, then further organizing my blog, and now writing in it, and THEN.. do some more work. Or just pass out. But I really need to get some work stuff done. So we will see.
Things are alright. As alluded to recently, life is very busy right now, very hectic, actually a lot of ups and downs. I am not so sure that the good is outweighing the bad, I mean it's not like the sky is falling, but I definitely have a couple of little fires here and there which I don't want to spread. These I can contain, those i am not too excited to deal with.. It's the usual stuff, like everyone else in the world. Cars, money, career, relationships, friendships, health, my own general state of mental cohesion. Sadly, I can't really complain about that last one ("I am too damned HINGED!!") as I know I will always be to cognizant to be fully enough aware of when the shit is going down! But yeah, I have just coasted into my 34th year on this planet, I guess that means it has been several years since society/my peers/folks have considered me "an adult and (somewhat) competent member of society.." I still look around at what I have amassed and what is behind, what I have learned (and what I have shed!) and I think, man, I guess I am just doing the best I can. There's certainly things in my life which sketch me out a little bit at the moment but really, I am just trying to keep it on the level as best, as clean as possible. Since being out of work, again, I have done my best to keep busy and hit every nail with the hammer as possible. I haven't scraped every last job lead out there, but I have inquired to nearly all of them and kept the scant few remaining in a prominent shelf in my brain. Not being slacky, trying to order the way I spend my time sensibly and effectively. Yeah, it is true I went out and let loose a little bit following my job termination, but I can't really take shit for that.. it's like being dumped. You pour a sizable portion of your heart and soul into something, for a decent amount of time, especially with all the backlog that led you to that point - you have honestly made an emotional, and to a degree physical investment in things. I always say "never get too attached to things - it could be here one minute and gone the following..." but honestly, as human beings it is impossible for us NOT to invest in that routine, to become susceptible to it, to require it. It's part of our nature, whether or not we choose to be entirely cognizant of it. So, yeah, letting go - though it gets somewhat easier each time, depending on the circumstances - in removing one's routine, it should be expected that a person will go a little wonky for a spell while they try to adapt to the new situation. At least, to return to an older model of being..
My hand hurts, I type too much..
So I am sad because there's a lot of things on the periphery of my life that are ending and changing. Like I said, it's the background, but it's still enough that it's worthy of noting in my blog. For one, and it sounds petty, but my favorite radio station is GONE. Just like that. As I've got older I have listened more and more to talk radio, especially with my long-ish commute. It's never impeccable, but it's always been there for me in some shape or form and it's just - gone now. It's manageable, we have internet, we have ipods, etc - I can find other shit to suck up my audio time when the need arises. But yeah, sucks to acknowledge the end of a nice little thing in the background of my life. Ah well, it happens, and it ain't the end of the world. The great thing about the world, is that it's always full of TONNNNNS of cool stuff, you just need to do some homework and be a little daring/adventurous/experimental, and you will find. Culture is a fascinating resource..
Still trying to exercise as much as possible, it's been 4 years since I have had a gym membership (geez you think I'd approach getting in some kinda shape by now!) but honestly, I am one of those people who will be real dedicated/work fairly hard to maintain consistency with it, and then some BS (like losing a job) will happen and it will knock me out of whack (see above) and I'll just have a "fuck it who cares, not me anymore" attitude. And then time will pass and I will say "fuck it I paid for it/am still paying for it" so won't cancel, with the hope that I'll get back into the swing of things when it becomes convenient, but then - like - 9 months or so will pass and I'll get by on only the tiniest amount of exercise a day (like, walking to my car/the bathroom). Not good! Especially as I get older and my metabolism continues it's plummet, earthward - seriously. So, I have maintained this recent go-round with some sincere steadiness. It's not perfect, and I lapse a bit here and there, but I am getting to the point now where I feel it's fairly ingrained in my basic lifestyle, that I need to go out and exert to the point of uncomfortable sweatiness for a short time, every day or so. So yeah, let's keep up the fight!
On that note, I am gonna check my weight, put the laundry away, and try to get back to messing with the game engine which I am attempting to decipher. Another day, another engine, yaddayaddayadda..
Things are alright. As alluded to recently, life is very busy right now, very hectic, actually a lot of ups and downs. I am not so sure that the good is outweighing the bad, I mean it's not like the sky is falling, but I definitely have a couple of little fires here and there which I don't want to spread. These I can contain, those i am not too excited to deal with.. It's the usual stuff, like everyone else in the world. Cars, money, career, relationships, friendships, health, my own general state of mental cohesion. Sadly, I can't really complain about that last one ("I am too damned HINGED!!") as I know I will always be to cognizant to be fully enough aware of when the shit is going down! But yeah, I have just coasted into my 34th year on this planet, I guess that means it has been several years since society/my peers/folks have considered me "an adult and (somewhat) competent member of society.." I still look around at what I have amassed and what is behind, what I have learned (and what I have shed!) and I think, man, I guess I am just doing the best I can. There's certainly things in my life which sketch me out a little bit at the moment but really, I am just trying to keep it on the level as best, as clean as possible. Since being out of work, again, I have done my best to keep busy and hit every nail with the hammer as possible. I haven't scraped every last job lead out there, but I have inquired to nearly all of them and kept the scant few remaining in a prominent shelf in my brain. Not being slacky, trying to order the way I spend my time sensibly and effectively. Yeah, it is true I went out and let loose a little bit following my job termination, but I can't really take shit for that.. it's like being dumped. You pour a sizable portion of your heart and soul into something, for a decent amount of time, especially with all the backlog that led you to that point - you have honestly made an emotional, and to a degree physical investment in things. I always say "never get too attached to things - it could be here one minute and gone the following..." but honestly, as human beings it is impossible for us NOT to invest in that routine, to become susceptible to it, to require it. It's part of our nature, whether or not we choose to be entirely cognizant of it. So, yeah, letting go - though it gets somewhat easier each time, depending on the circumstances - in removing one's routine, it should be expected that a person will go a little wonky for a spell while they try to adapt to the new situation. At least, to return to an older model of being..
My hand hurts, I type too much..
So I am sad because there's a lot of things on the periphery of my life that are ending and changing. Like I said, it's the background, but it's still enough that it's worthy of noting in my blog. For one, and it sounds petty, but my favorite radio station is GONE. Just like that. As I've got older I have listened more and more to talk radio, especially with my long-ish commute. It's never impeccable, but it's always been there for me in some shape or form and it's just - gone now. It's manageable, we have internet, we have ipods, etc - I can find other shit to suck up my audio time when the need arises. But yeah, sucks to acknowledge the end of a nice little thing in the background of my life. Ah well, it happens, and it ain't the end of the world. The great thing about the world, is that it's always full of TONNNNNS of cool stuff, you just need to do some homework and be a little daring/adventurous/experimental, and you will find. Culture is a fascinating resource..
Still trying to exercise as much as possible, it's been 4 years since I have had a gym membership (geez you think I'd approach getting in some kinda shape by now!) but honestly, I am one of those people who will be real dedicated/work fairly hard to maintain consistency with it, and then some BS (like losing a job) will happen and it will knock me out of whack (see above) and I'll just have a "fuck it who cares, not me anymore" attitude. And then time will pass and I will say "fuck it I paid for it/am still paying for it" so won't cancel, with the hope that I'll get back into the swing of things when it becomes convenient, but then - like - 9 months or so will pass and I'll get by on only the tiniest amount of exercise a day (like, walking to my car/the bathroom). Not good! Especially as I get older and my metabolism continues it's plummet, earthward - seriously. So, I have maintained this recent go-round with some sincere steadiness. It's not perfect, and I lapse a bit here and there, but I am getting to the point now where I feel it's fairly ingrained in my basic lifestyle, that I need to go out and exert to the point of uncomfortable sweatiness for a short time, every day or so. So yeah, let's keep up the fight!
On that note, I am gonna check my weight, put the laundry away, and try to get back to messing with the game engine which I am attempting to decipher. Another day, another engine, yaddayaddayadda..
Friday, February 20, 2009
business minded
going to start posting duplicates of my texturemonkey blogs in here as well, labeled under "game industry". Right now I keep them as separate blogs, but I wanna consolidate them so they are "handy in one place." I will keep publishing TM blogs separately, for business-minded reasons (never mind the name of this particular blog entry!) But really I'd like to keep all my stuff accessible through one main location for personal reasons/general documentation/etc. I will keep the business stuff off of Myspace - and I will still dupe the myspace posts in here under "personal." Confusing, eh?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
it's been a wild week, kind of. lots of ups and downs - lots of things to think about. stuff that makes me happy, stuff that makes me depressed. stuff that makes me feel pressured - i guess it sounds like every other week in my professional life, right? anyway, it's good to keep busy, and there's a lot of directions that everything could go right now. today i woke up VERY late, after being grilled by the unemployment lady on the phone (that stuff is still up in the air - lovely!) Cleaned up my house a little, took a long walk thru hollywood - i like doing that, makes me remember i live in a world that exists beyond just my desk, fridge and toilet - had a nice burrito ultimo at baja fresh, contemplated hitting hooters next door for $2.50 beer specials (all day Thursday!) but, super-stuffed from my $9 Burrito (yeah,I need to not do that stuff right now!) i continued to amble on down hollywood blvd, westbound. They blocked off the main street cuz the academy awards are coming up and they have a massive show to prep - i rounded the corner on la brea then made my way back homewards.
got home, downloaded Noby Noby Boy for PS3 (by the dude who made Katamari Damacy) - messed with that a bit, then plunged back into learning a new game engine, i need to produce a self-imposed test to get a shot at a decent job that i am looking at. I know a guy over there, I don't know how good of an in it is (but anything helps!) - looking at their editor, it's a little cumbersome but not TOO bad so far, just trying to adapt my usual style and pick up like I always do (a lot of that in my life lately!). I am familiar enough of the theme they wanna see, so i am not to worried about nailing it at this point - hell, i have done it enough times before. just concerned "will i make it in enough time, before someone else snatches up that position?" and all the usual "what other limiting factors are gonna work against me?" But yeah, the course is always the same really. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
I have my hands in lots of things right now. Perhaps a few too many - mostly interesting, some kind of outrageous. There's enough stress to keep me motivated to follow up as much as possible, well - between that and hope for a better future. One day it will line up alright! But yeah, good to be busy, and kinda nice to feel like i am kinda in charge of my destiny --- kiiiinda. As usual, i must remain humble, good to be confident but bad to lean on it, especially during these trying times.
Grab another beer and get back to work - now!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
it's been a wild week, kind of. lots of ups and downs - lots of things to think about. stuff that makes me happy, stuff that makes me depressed. stuff that makes me feel pressured - i guess it sounds like every other week in my professional life, right? anyway, it's good to keep busy, and there's a lot of directions that everything could go right now. today i woke up VERY late, after being grilled by the unemployment lady on the phone (that stuff is still up in the air - lovely!) Cleaned up my house a little, took a long walk thru hollywood - i like doing that, makes me remember i live in a world that exists beyond just my desk, fridge and toilet - had a nice burrito ultimo at baja fresh, contemplated hitting hooters next door for $2.50 beer specials (all day Thursday!) but, super-stuffed from my $9 Burrito (yeah,I need to not do that stuff right now!) i continued to amble on down hollywood blvd, westbound. They blocked off the main street cuz the academy awards are coming up and they have a massive show to prep - i rounded the corner on la brea then made my way back homewards.
got home, downloaded Noby Noby Boy for PS3 (by the dude who made Katamari Damacy) - messed with that a bit, then plunged back into learning a new game engine, i need to produce a self-imposed test to get a shot at a decent job that i am looking at. I know a guy over there, I don't know how good of an in it is (but anything helps!) - looking at their editor, it's a little cumbersome but not TOO bad so far, just trying to adapt my usual style and pick up like I always do (a lot of that in my life lately!). I am familiar enough of the theme they wanna see, so i am not to worried about nailing it at this point - hell, i have done it enough times before. just concerned "will i make it in enough time, before someone else snatches up that position?" and all the usual "what other limiting factors are gonna work against me?" But yeah, the course is always the same really. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
I have my hands in lots of things right now. Perhaps a few too many - mostly interesting, some kind of outrageous. There's enough stress to keep me motivated to follow up as much as possible, well - between that and hope for a better future. One day it will line up alright! But yeah, good to be busy, and kinda nice to feel like i am kinda in charge of my destiny --- kiiiinda. As usual, i must remain humble, good to be confident but bad to lean on it, especially during these trying times.
Grab another beer and get back to work - now!
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
more of the same
.. I had left that last post half-realized and decided to pull the trigger on it (oh.. so committing!) Well to finish up the rest of that story - we went to spaceland to see a bad "Don Caballero," powered on whiskey. I threw down a couple of shots (well, just one maybe) and enjoyed the music. I liked the band for years, but never saw them (discovered them in, like, college - so you can imagine the scene). The show was.. it was alright. Bad sounded great, but hell - they were old. WE WERE OLD. The whole scene was so sedate. The band was rockin' but the crowd was half-a-goddamned-sleep. I guess the point is, we are not rioting punk-assholes anymore. I had some energy and slam danced a little, for what it was worth, but overall - it was good to get out of there. Ah well! Good to see my friends anyway. Next day was hanging out, I had lots of errands to run (what else is new eh?) - Saturday night = Valentine's day dinner, took my girl out to the valley for some yummy japanese BBQ. I really like Gyu-Kaku. So damned tasty. One of the more enjoyable places to eat I must say. She enjoyed it, so I was happy too - Sunday night met up with some friends to see that new movie "Coraline" which was well-made and creepy, then my friend Andy and I drank late into the night (he had the day off today - good excuse). I cabbed home, then realized as I was getting out of the cab that my housekeys were back in my car (at Andy's place - ulp, shit). Cabbed back to his pad, got my keys, then back to home again, then just hang out 'n pass out (honestly, I think I stayed up till like 8:30 the next morning). Yeah so - my hours and lifestyle are a little questionable now. What do you want, huh. I went out in the pouring rain, in the wee hours, to mail out my first unemployment claim - found it this morning face-down on the ground, ignored by the mailman, drenched by the elements, a squished dead moth attached to it. Dropped the f'er in the mailbox up the street as I walked back to my buddy's house to reclaim my vehicle (took me about an hour of walking). And the rest of the day, going through game engine tutorial stuff. Dry - very dry - but useful, I will get more mileage out of it tomorrow I am sure.
So, there's the snapshot of my life then. Things are alright. I am okay - feeling a little weird right now. I stumbled on some old photo albums (online) from days past, reminding me of the fact that it's been like 4 yrs since I started this leg of my life really. Made me feel old, kinda gross, kinda.. pointless. It's like, each time I go through this stuff, I just toss all this older stuff out from behind me, my enthusiasm gets kind of waning for a little while. I like things, life is good, but the raw stupid innocence which used to drive me really needs kicking back in. I need some kind of different direction or something. I don't know. Something is just missing. I think when I go on some other crazy adventure, maybe it will invigorate me again. We will see. At least stuff is moving on, right?
So, there's the snapshot of my life then. Things are alright. I am okay - feeling a little weird right now. I stumbled on some old photo albums (online) from days past, reminding me of the fact that it's been like 4 yrs since I started this leg of my life really. Made me feel old, kinda gross, kinda.. pointless. It's like, each time I go through this stuff, I just toss all this older stuff out from behind me, my enthusiasm gets kind of waning for a little while. I like things, life is good, but the raw stupid innocence which used to drive me really needs kicking back in. I need some kind of different direction or something. I don't know. Something is just missing. I think when I go on some other crazy adventure, maybe it will invigorate me again. We will see. At least stuff is moving on, right?
Sunday, February 15, 2009
absurdly terrific
WELL OKAY THEN, seeing as how it is a good couple of weeks wort of time since I have posted in this thing - and I find myself with a couple of free minutes to go on about things here, and there, in my life, so I will do just that!
First and foremost, in recent times there's been some activity in a certain major point of my life, professionally - but which I'd best keep hushed up about for the time being, and so for now I will do just that. Regardless I have been on the warpath once more, in the job-searching fashion anyway - that's never what one would call ' a wonderful time time," though while it certainly is a pain in the ass, it also is an overall chance to slant one's entire life in a more positive direction - and so for that I am not only grateful, but also quite optimistic. It should come as no surprise to those who have known me, that I have been rather unhappy in my professional life for some time. The videogame industry is quite an exciting one, but it can also be fairly exhausting - and punishing as well - even, or especially when one pours a fair amount of their heart and soul into it. But that's what on gets when they get involved with a relatively new industry, one whose nuts and bolts are still being fairly figured out (and all the while, they are evolving in spite of that). Without going on ad on about i, I will say that it is, essentially, business as usual...
So then, to the job search. I usually will not divulge much in the way of details in a public forum for obvious reasons - let's just say I am talking to plenty of people about different prospects, and they are all across the board (well, I shouldn't say any of them AREN'T things that sound like they could be good steps). Yeah, the world is a hairy place rigt now, economically, but in spite of it I am happy with the things that are on my plate. So too must I mention that I am DAMN busy right now. I am touching up a lot of my existing work (that which I am permitted to show) - lots of tightening up of things like my website, resume, cover letters, etc. Scrounging around for ideas/info about what it is I will do next. Do I wanna just plunge headfirst into "the sure thing" or something a little more unusual, even a bit more possibly daring? When things calm down with all of this headscratching, I will just sit at my desk and plow forward with the thing I desire most, which is to update my body of work, generally - that is, make some stuff that's completely mine, not just "stuff for work." I have lots of ideas floating around in my head, and I am feeling particularly inspired right now. But I would rather put that energy to prper use at the moment than just get all started with some new project off in XYZ direction, purely for the sake of that.
I have a new PC running at home, it's been sitting here largely untouched for some months now, waiting to become useful. In this period I have funally got it all tweaked out and loaded up with all the necessary apps and directories and things setup, it feels nice to have a clean slate to work with - also it's a fair sight more powerful than it's half-decade old predecessor, so it's much more of a joy/less of a pain in the ass to actually use the thing. I am trying my damnedest to keep it "all about the business" with this box, not messing around with any "bad stuff" on it, but in this day and age, there's a blur on that line at times - and today, when applying some patches to a necessary tool I unwittingly downloaded some shitty trojan onto the thing, and am presently trying to clear that up. Nerdy to complain about, but the danger is real - ALL MY NECESSARY FILES are residing on the sister drives, so if my system goes down right now, I AM gonna be prety mad. I am talking about tons of work, loads and loads of things which I need to backup properly. It's not happened yet not because I have been lazy, so much as that it has not been terribly practical - it's a pain in the ass to do it. If it goes down, I am not ruined by a long shot, but I will regret losing so many valuable files - textures, mesh files, etc - irreplaceable renders of some of my best work, and so forth. I will take tis as a warning to get the most vital stuff backed-up ASAP, and I am not trying to sound neurotic as I wonder about this - I had some serious virus problems at my office just a couple of weeks ago, within two weeks' time my HD died twice. Fortunately it didn't kick my ass, but it was enough to rattle my nerves.
Anyway - enough about all of that. So what's up besides the job hunt? Well, I am a different guy these days, in some ways - happier to have certain stressed behind me, but also mindful of the pain-in-the-ass potentially coming down the road. I have been trying to live a little, maybe a little more than I'd think is practical, but it's been a hectic and stressful time and I feel like I deserve a little reprieve at least. After this all started, I hit a crazy club in Hollywood with my friends who were trying to console me, the place was wild - like being in some swanky vegas club. Super Bowl/My birthday (argh!) followed a couple of days after that, which I celebrated by relaxing with some friends and eating lotssssss of nachos. Next week or so was pretty mellow with the work stuff, really - last weekend I met my friend for some Armenian (ah Zankou), it turned into a sunday night jaunt to Jumbo's Clown Room up the street (ah atmosphere) and then, a few beers later, over to Ruby (Hollywood and La Brea) for Beat It! ('80s dance night, used to be the shit - for real!) This past week had been busy with more of the same during the day - tweaking stuff, chasing leads, running out to the post office to devlier demos, video editing my reel, etc. Tuesday night turned into another Cinespace evening, but it kinda devolved into some shitty drama which I'd be best not writing about in here. Gave me a nice hangover which led to a fairly unproductive Wednesday, though I did manage to run several errands in spite of that (going downtown etc). Friday some of my buddies from down in Irvine decded to make the haul up to Hollywood to pay their respects, so to speak, so they brought some whiskey and we downed a bunch, then headed over to spaceland in silverlake to catch a show.
First and foremost, in recent times there's been some activity in a certain major point of my life, professionally - but which I'd best keep hushed up about for the time being, and so for now I will do just that. Regardless I have been on the warpath once more, in the job-searching fashion anyway - that's never what one would call ' a wonderful time time," though while it certainly is a pain in the ass, it also is an overall chance to slant one's entire life in a more positive direction - and so for that I am not only grateful, but also quite optimistic. It should come as no surprise to those who have known me, that I have been rather unhappy in my professional life for some time. The videogame industry is quite an exciting one, but it can also be fairly exhausting - and punishing as well - even, or especially when one pours a fair amount of their heart and soul into it. But that's what on gets when they get involved with a relatively new industry, one whose nuts and bolts are still being fairly figured out (and all the while, they are evolving in spite of that). Without going on ad on about i, I will say that it is, essentially, business as usual...
So then, to the job search. I usually will not divulge much in the way of details in a public forum for obvious reasons - let's just say I am talking to plenty of people about different prospects, and they are all across the board (well, I shouldn't say any of them AREN'T things that sound like they could be good steps). Yeah, the world is a hairy place rigt now, economically, but in spite of it I am happy with the things that are on my plate. So too must I mention that I am DAMN busy right now. I am touching up a lot of my existing work (that which I am permitted to show) - lots of tightening up of things like my website, resume, cover letters, etc. Scrounging around for ideas/info about what it is I will do next. Do I wanna just plunge headfirst into "the sure thing" or something a little more unusual, even a bit more possibly daring? When things calm down with all of this headscratching, I will just sit at my desk and plow forward with the thing I desire most, which is to update my body of work, generally - that is, make some stuff that's completely mine, not just "stuff for work." I have lots of ideas floating around in my head, and I am feeling particularly inspired right now. But I would rather put that energy to prper use at the moment than just get all started with some new project off in XYZ direction, purely for the sake of that.
I have a new PC running at home, it's been sitting here largely untouched for some months now, waiting to become useful. In this period I have funally got it all tweaked out and loaded up with all the necessary apps and directories and things setup, it feels nice to have a clean slate to work with - also it's a fair sight more powerful than it's half-decade old predecessor, so it's much more of a joy/less of a pain in the ass to actually use the thing. I am trying my damnedest to keep it "all about the business" with this box, not messing around with any "bad stuff" on it, but in this day and age, there's a blur on that line at times - and today, when applying some patches to a necessary tool I unwittingly downloaded some shitty trojan onto the thing, and am presently trying to clear that up. Nerdy to complain about, but the danger is real - ALL MY NECESSARY FILES are residing on the sister drives, so if my system goes down right now, I AM gonna be prety mad. I am talking about tons of work, loads and loads of things which I need to backup properly. It's not happened yet not because I have been lazy, so much as that it has not been terribly practical - it's a pain in the ass to do it. If it goes down, I am not ruined by a long shot, but I will regret losing so many valuable files - textures, mesh files, etc - irreplaceable renders of some of my best work, and so forth. I will take tis as a warning to get the most vital stuff backed-up ASAP, and I am not trying to sound neurotic as I wonder about this - I had some serious virus problems at my office just a couple of weeks ago, within two weeks' time my HD died twice. Fortunately it didn't kick my ass, but it was enough to rattle my nerves.
Anyway - enough about all of that. So what's up besides the job hunt? Well, I am a different guy these days, in some ways - happier to have certain stressed behind me, but also mindful of the pain-in-the-ass potentially coming down the road. I have been trying to live a little, maybe a little more than I'd think is practical, but it's been a hectic and stressful time and I feel like I deserve a little reprieve at least. After this all started, I hit a crazy club in Hollywood with my friends who were trying to console me, the place was wild - like being in some swanky vegas club. Super Bowl/My birthday (argh!) followed a couple of days after that, which I celebrated by relaxing with some friends and eating lotssssss of nachos. Next week or so was pretty mellow with the work stuff, really - last weekend I met my friend for some Armenian (ah Zankou), it turned into a sunday night jaunt to Jumbo's Clown Room up the street (ah atmosphere) and then, a few beers later, over to Ruby (Hollywood and La Brea) for Beat It! ('80s dance night, used to be the shit - for real!) This past week had been busy with more of the same during the day - tweaking stuff, chasing leads, running out to the post office to devlier demos, video editing my reel, etc. Tuesday night turned into another Cinespace evening, but it kinda devolved into some shitty drama which I'd be best not writing about in here. Gave me a nice hangover which led to a fairly unproductive Wednesday, though I did manage to run several errands in spite of that (going downtown etc). Friday some of my buddies from down in Irvine decded to make the haul up to Hollywood to pay their respects, so to speak, so they brought some whiskey and we downed a bunch, then headed over to spaceland in silverlake to catch a show.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)