yes i am a cruel mean guy

Yeah. Yeah I am. yeah.

Tired. Sleepy. I am sitting here trying to do work (and getting a little sidetracked) - my girlfriend is watching one of those latenight TV shows (Jimmy Fallon) with Elmo as a guest. It's very invigorating, trust me.

Life is alright. Super busy. I am hustling like a madman right now. Every day I hop in my car and drive here, there, or somewhere in between to meet this dude or that cat. It's good to keep running around, making contacts, finding leads, talking about plans - helping me get a little more confidence in what it is I am trying to do, none of it is really hard but of course the climate is a little peculiar right now (you know, what with everyone being jobless and broke and everything). But hey. It's a life.

I have been hitting the little comedy theater up the road from me lately. it's such a nice little sidestep out of my usual routine, I am so glad to have that stuff in my life. Five bucks and a night out with my friends for a couple of hours of standup in their tiny little closet of a place - yes it is quite intimate. We usually bring a couple of sixpacks in there (makes it crappy when you gotta run to the toilet in-between sets!) but really, it's one of the nice little perks of being out here! We hit the neighborhood bar next door to have some drinks, eat some wings and shoot the breeze after - then after my girlfriend and her buddy called it a night, the rest of us piled into a cab van and shot over to cinespace for some madness dancing. Still my favorite club! They always have a DJ up front and a band or something going on in back - the dude in back (dunno who it was) was actually putting on a really energetic set, I enjoyed it! I ran onstage like in the old days, the bouncer wasn't too keen on that but I get down before he decided to kick me out (which is good. I haven't got kicked outta space in a long time. It's not a nice feeling!) We headed home after the place closed, ordered pink dot (yay cigarettes and pizza at 3am!) and played Jenga. A good night!

Gonna try and do some more work then call it a night. I didn't get much zzz's the last couple of days-

dying in s-t-y-l-e

what's up, blog that I never use anymore. Hey, it's true. I have other things to do these days!

Honestly, I had been rather prolific on this thing, but lately this (and the other) are fairly neglected. I attribute it to being really busy, tired of whining, and feeling like there's a lot going on in my life that I should probably keep mum about. So, then.

Things are alright. it's been two months since I've been out of work (again). It's a weird feeling, still not a happy one (I have bad dreams.. a lot!) but it is bittersweet. As I have said, I was not very happy with the path I was one, and hopefully my new direction can be a much more positive one. It is hard to say though - all I can do is work hard, try to make the best decisions I can, and keep my outlook positive and constructive.

The week was really busy (they all are!) I am running around these days, a lot - but I have had some time to sit in front of the PC and mess with actual work stuff, which hasn't been bad. There's a little comedy theater up the street from my house (when I say "little" I mean "the size of your closet") and it's a treat to head over there now and again, pick up a six-pack, and enjoy some nerdy comedy once in awhile so I can forget about the things that ail me. A group of us went there Tuesday night, it was a lot of fun - then, powered by a bit of booze, my friend MVG and I headed to Cahuenga and Hollywood to drown our misery (we did a good job of it), got home somehow...

Thursday night I was invited to a Passover Sedar (my first one in... 9 years!!!!), which was certainly interesting. I got to read the Four Questions, my hebrew was (ahem) rather rusty. But hey, y'know. The food was REALLY good! Overall, it did strike a chord and reminded me very much of being a kid and attending those. Afterward my friends coaxed me out for some drinks at the neighborhood bar- the night got a little dramatic, after the rambunctious evening that was Tuesday night, I decided to take it slower and didn't go over-the-top with partying (I didn't have the mood for it!). The high point was going back to my place and plugging in the Super Nintendo and walloping my buddy in Street Fighter 2. Man - I miss the good old days. I still have to say that one of my favorite things in the world is coming back from a wild night and playing some games with my friends, it's not something that really happens in my life much anymore - but when we do, I completely enjoy it.

On that note, I will take an aside for one moment and say that I don't like the current trend towards online play. I admire the tech, and I can completely understand why it is popular (and necessary, even) - but I will never get the same enjoyment out of playing a game vs. another human when they are not actually right there beside me, it feels kinda pointless to me, personally. I guess that's my old-fashioned-ness kicking in.

Furthermore, I can completely not enjoy video games at all like I would if it were not my profession. I can never "go back," but I just wanna say that those of you out there who turn to such things for recreation, in a way I do envy you...!

----------------------------------------------------

Facebook. Everyone in the damned world is on Facebook now. Even me (my girlfriend decided that this would happen!) Arriving late to the party on Facebook is a strange feeling indeed - now that Myspace, which was once the hip domain of us trashy slutty partiers, is completely passe' the world has shifted it's attention to something more malevolent. But, it's strange to look at Facebook. Instead of the blog posts and comments of Myspace, we get plugged into everyone's day-to-day thoughts on FB, it is strange. It's too much! I guess I feel like an outsider since I got in so late - as well, it is just weird to see people on there who never really plugged into myspace and now are totally into that vein, people I know from my past. It's a bizarre feeling, I don't know how to describe it. Makes me feel kind of lonely or something, like I don't belong there (not just the stupid online service, you know what I mean). I am tired of the virtual world, it's doing a good job of replacing the real world and that concerns me. I will keep blogging, not because "I am merely a hypocrite" but rather, I do want to keep a journal of my life that I can look back on (when I get old and boring for REAL). That's really the only part of this that matters much to me anymore, the rest of it is just business.

Tonight we went out for Thai food with May's friend Thao. The food was extremely tasty, I am very fortunate to live in a place where there is such a variety of delicious (and affordable) food available all over the place, and just a short drive away. Hollywood/Los Angeles is a crazy place with lots of ups and downs, but no doubt about it there's a GREAT representation of worldwide culture sampled here, en masse..

Otherwise, the high point of my day was dragging my Hammock into the backlot and resting in the sun for about 20-30 minutes. It was party cloudy today, every time the sun went behind the clouds I'd get chilly and wake up - then a moment or two later it would peek back out, I'd warm up and pass peacefully back out into a relaxed rest. It was short, but pretty nice. It's gonna be a hectic busy week - there's too much stuff to do - and so, I go...

my, it is quiet in here

myspace is pretty dead these days - but i guess it has been for awhile now. everyone who is cool is on facebook!! My girlfriend MADE me get an account there as well (sigh), but honestly - as noted recently, I am rather tired of the online social scene myself. It was novel (and fun) when I was single, sure, and if that was again the case I am sure I'd be more into it. But honestly I just haven't got much time to be surfing around the net these days anyway. It's all business!!

Things are alright. I just passed two months of unemployment. I have most of my middling things taken care of by now, all the little odds and ends that build up in life and seem to sit on the sidelines. Still a couple to handle, I suppose that it will all "never" be leveled out.. Otherwise, life is extremely busy, between meetings and planning and looking towards the future. How do I put this? I feel excited, but it is tempered with stress. I think the naive part of me has finally reached a point where it just wants to say "uncle. ok. just do whatever" and the bitter, jaded part of me sas "noooo! I need you, naive part!" There is usually a very delicate dance between those two, anyway..

My mood is okay, considering the falling-apart sate of the world that you hear in the day-to-day news, I feel like I am keeping a good-enough face. It's hard to ever really get down in Hollywood (contrary to what I have said 1,000 times). Well if it was really true, would I not have left by now? The upside of what's going on (not steady work) is that my social life gets to enjoy some rejuvenation, I am seeing lots of old friends whom I have not been in touch with, for ages.. Usually the topic of discussion is heavily colored by business, but that's what we are about I suppose.

Upsetting dreams last night, dreams about mortality and age - I am feeling older, it's true. I don't like that I am in my mid-thirties and still haven't got to some more established level in my life; at the same time, I acknowledge that I may be somewhat hard on myself, it's one of those "shit, I know kung fu!" things that hits you now and again. Oh if everything were so easy. Anywya in spite of my apparent lack of confidence, I seem to feel strongly that "I know what I am doing, as usual, and it's all according to the plan." I guess I can say more than many, in that regard.

2009 will be an interesting year. It is going to be rough, my head will hurt a lot, and I won't come into much money - likely, less than the previous year, to be honest. But hopefully it's a solid setup for the next few.

slag on

what's up party people. party ass people. yeah that's right, i am talking to you. soooooo.. long time no see.

still unemployed, despite that i am still incredibly busy, i have done a couple of all-nighters in the past couple of weeks. i am working with some fellas on a demo and it's requiring a lot of time and labor - but that's cool! good to keep busy. hopefully i will have some good news outta that at some point.

trying to get out of the apartment when possible, i don't mind being a layabout but i go kinda crazy locked up in my box here. i try to get out to the gym every couple of days (at least!). If I go more than 3 days without showing up i feel guilty, guilty, guilty.. plus i just paid a couple hunnert bucks for a membership (for two years?) so I gotta get mah money's worth!

trying to keep it mellow besides. going out means spending money, and i need to hoard what i can in these times. eating in a lot, obviously i am not much of a snacker (which is good for a few reasons). i wish i could say i was a healthier eater - i am not the worst, of course..! But yeah keeping my extra-curricular activities to a minimum as much as possible. i'd love to go out and get wasted every night (because REALLY.. who wouldn't?) but that's a short trip to a long list of troubles, so nix on that. it's tempting in that "well hell, i don't need to be up arly for work or to be anywhere!" A couple local places have free booze on certain nights which isn't bad (and i can get drunk pretty quickly) so it's, i guess, "nice" to know i can take advantage of that if it comes to it. sigh, what's a derelict to do...

kudos to my friends for taking care of me, a few of them have been spotting me during my period of lack of income - i hate feeling needy, but for those of you who read this, it is MUCH appreciated. I hope you don't consider me a mooch and know that I will always get you back as well (I think I try to do a somewhat decent job of it, when I can..) But yeah, I can't say thanks enough - though I must stress I certainly don't expect it (but if it's there I won't say "i insist, no charity!!") Though if this ends up dragging on for several months (ugh) my attitude will certainly change into a much more hermetic style, for reasons which would make sense...!!!

so i am sitting here a lot, cranking away on my PC every day and night - like I said, there's a LOT of work to be done. I have accomplished much, and feel like I have just barely got started. It is nice being able to merely stroll downstairs at my leisure to get busy, as opposed to (sigh) driving an hour each way for 50 miles each trip, to and from work (not that I am being particular!) but yes - working at home does have it's drawbacks. My PC is always sitting there, in the little nook, looking at me.. "you have things to do." I really wish I had another room or something, anything, to promote separation of work and.. .the rest of my life. Granted, I'd just be holed up in that little room or whatever all the time, but it would make it easier to head over to the couch for a little RnR now and then without thinking "dammit though I can't relax I got THANGS TO DO!!!" Well, I have a hammock, and a backlot, I can setup out there when it gets back to being a little warmer if need be. Nice little respite.

And yes - I am definitely getting crazier as I age. I am - generally - a fairly laid-back guy, to a fault. Really, I think with some of the stuff I have dealt with, not that so much of it is particularly monstrous or anything even faintly approaching, but my nerves have been capsized a good several hundreds of thousands of times now from the stresses of everyday life and such - also I am a Jew, which means I have a tendency to operate on the level of some constant neurosis or other. As I age, these things just exacerbate. And now, bottled up as I am in my little apartment, I feel like the goldfish who keeps growing big enough to just barely fit in the fishbowl. I share this space with my girlfriend, and though I certainly love her, I think we can both sense that "we are here ALL THE TIME TOGETHER." She is there on the couch, mashing away on the keys of her laptop (as I write this .. and most likely, as you, dear reader, are reading this).. and sure, at some point she will read this as well and gimme a smack (the bad kind, not the good one!) But yeah I know we can both sense the weight of the hours piling up as we cohabit this small space, and it's making us.. pesky and snappy at one another. As I said, I am aging and my neuroses are swelling.. the past few years I have developed this autistic-like sensitivity to background noise, especially anything random or strangely-patterned. I used to sit next to a guy who tapped his hands against his desk ALL DAMN DAY. Drove me fucking nuts. Then I Sat next to this girl with the loudest freaking keyboard ever. CHUNK-G-CHUNK-G-CHUNK. She was the nicest person in the world but sound of her fingers assaulting the ivories made me go spastic "ahhh GEEEZ!" Man, was I relieved when she accidentally busted her keyboard and had to get a (much quieter) new one.. Still loud and tappy, but only half as bad.

I got moved into a new office after awhile and sat next to this designer, bald dude. Man - THAT guy was silent. I would occasionally have to keep turning around to check if he was still there. The guy was like some kind of.. game-designing ninja. Quietest man EVER. I think I would marry this guy, the hell with sexual preference. He was just so damned quiet, like a dead fly or something.

But, yeah. So I am at home now. And my girlfriend pa-pa-pounds the shit out of her little laptop keyboard all day long (and all night long and all early-morning long). And once again my oversensitive ears go crazy from it. And she is so sweet and innocent that she doesn't even know it makes me insane (even if I poke and prod her about it). So this is where it starts getting pathetic - I was at Circuit City, they just closed down but prior to that they had had a huge clearance sale for like EVERYTHING, all the stock. I wandered in "hmm oh.. what's this? Noise reducing earphones? Could this be.. mana from heaven, perhaps?" Yeah I heard of these before, even looked into them for a bit when I was working next to tap-tap-tappy dude, but damn.. so expensive (getting on 2 bills!) But here at CC, they had a pair of cheapo-knockoffo-brand for like 30 clams! So hell. Sure I am outta work, but losing my sanity.. So I shelled out. Well.. they KINDA worked, you put in a AAA battery and press a switch and then it makes a little distant faint-static noise which sounds like nothing, but kills the bottom level a little. Fair enough! It's ben keeping me happy enough (plus you can still plug them in and use them like regular headphones, which makes sense). They are a little gripping tight and hurt to wear after like 20-30 min, but not too bad.

So, yeah, pathetic. But it gets WORSE. The stupid cheapo headphones alone weren't doing the trick. I can't listen to music all the time (makes me kinda nuts if i do that too) so you know what I did! I downloaded some white noise MP3s. Okay, new lows. Really. I can't believe people put this stuff up online, but sure enough! I listened to a few.. airplane cabin, hair dryer, eponymous white noise.. they sounded alright, but there's one I found called "brown noise" which just fits the bill the best. Oh man, this is so sad. I want to make a mix CD of different white noises (not really).

But whatever. It's making it a little easier. Tune in next week when I decide to stop wearing clothes, eating, and only speak and write in pig-latin. huzzah!

nastiness

Oh, I feel dirty. It was bad enough when (gulp) I acquired an Xbox 360, PS3 and Wii all within mere months of one another. Worse, when I participated in some kind of online connections with each. But now-- NOW-- I have actually downloaded and installed Steam onto my PC. HEAVEN HELP ME - I KNOW NOT WHAT I HAVE DONE. Sigh. That's just for research. It can't have any possible bad repercussions in the future, can it? ULP.

Things are alright. I am busy as hell with all that has been going on. Learning lots of stuff. Running things thru my head, particularly business-wise. To be honest, it's nice sitting around at home and really I'd love to pull away from the PC and plant in front of the TV and just.. play some frickin' GAMES, man. Once in awhile I will look into my shelf full of software, longingly "soon, my pets... soon.." You know what - some of those discs have been sitting there for YEARS. Some of them have never even been removed from their cases, even - pathetic, eh? It's not laziness, it's just I don't have time to enjoy my hobby anymore! What used to be my hobby anyway.. Well, if I DID have time to indulge right now, I am sure I'd be further investing time into LittleBigPlanet - also Thunder Force VI which I picked up as a second-hand import. My friends gave me some Xbox points for my bday so I would likely check out R-type Dimensions, 'cause it looks so neat and trippy. Honestly, as mentioned earlier, I am anticipating the eventual release of Space Invaders Xtreme (or whatever they call it) on Live - that's probably my #1 interest in all of gaming, odd as it may sound (I still regularly enjoy rounds of the oldschool one - even all these years later, there's still something weirdly entrancing about it). Otherwise, hook my X-Arcade stick up to the original Xbox and go to town with Mame. Right now my idea of paradise, dorky as it sounds, is going through a 12-pack and a full day of no worries and just that..

I have a new PC running here at home.. it's a.. damn, I AM so weak with the tech... a P4 3.80 Ghz, 2GB of Ram. Some kinda video card in there too. In spite of it all, I am a shitty nerd so I don't know what that means so much, other than that it doesn't choke and kill me wen I try and run Photoshop, a 3D app and mayyyybe a game engine all at the same time. It might not be psyched, but at least it doesn't crawl. Also, unlike my old box, the thing hardly sounds like a damned vacuum cleaner when it is running. I like the future! And, more bonus, it doesn't take 35 minutes from powering the on-switch! Well okay that last one is likely my own fault, between age, viruses, adware, shitty uber-fragmented drives and what-have-you. Also, this is funny - i have an older (couple years) 500Gb USB drive, Maxtor, it was essentially my jukebox - that and a bunch of necessary data as well, it pooped out on me like a good 9 months ago or so. I tried the freezer trick. i tossed it around a bit (bad idea). I set it in the closet for.. oh, 7 months. One day I will have enough spare scratch, perhaps, to shuffle it around for resuscitation, oh I dunno if it is worth it even. But I did find a "hard drive repair" program which attempts to file through the partitions and see what can be salvaged. Sure, why not, it's just sitting in the damn closet anyway! Ah so it's been plugged in, and the app's been running. I launched it.. Uh.. a week and a half ago? Let's see where it is now (checks) 14%. Oh okay that's incredibly promising. So now it's what, almost the end of February? So sometime after July 4th then maybe I can see how much of my data got corrupted then? Sigh.

so, then

Saturday night. Pretty tired. Stayed up late last night (sigh, yeah, I am falling into -that- routine), got up outta bed/shower/store/get to meeting for a large chunk of the day, then to the Gym, then eat a salad, then increase my chances of becoming a diabetic (craving sugar lately, something awful), then some follow-up work stuff at home, then further organizing my blog, and now writing in it, and THEN.. do some more work. Or just pass out. But I really need to get some work stuff done. So we will see.

Things are alright. As alluded to recently, life is very busy right now, very hectic, actually a lot of ups and downs. I am not so sure that the good is outweighing the bad, I mean it's not like the sky is falling, but I definitely have a couple of little fires here and there which I don't want to spread. These I can contain, those i am not too excited to deal with.. It's the usual stuff, like everyone else in the world. Cars, money, career, relationships, friendships, health, my own general state of mental cohesion. Sadly, I can't really complain about that last one ("I am too damned HINGED!!") as I know I will always be to cognizant to be fully enough aware of when the shit is going down! But yeah, I have just coasted into my 34th year on this planet, I guess that means it has been several years since society/my peers/folks have considered me "an adult and (somewhat) competent member of society.." I still look around at what I have amassed and what is behind, what I have learned (and what I have shed!) and I think, man, I guess I am just doing the best I can. There's certainly things in my life which sketch me out a little bit at the moment but really, I am just trying to keep it on the level as best, as clean as possible. Since being out of work, again, I have done my best to keep busy and hit every nail with the hammer as possible. I haven't scraped every last job lead out there, but I have inquired to nearly all of them and kept the scant few remaining in a prominent shelf in my brain. Not being slacky, trying to order the way I spend my time sensibly and effectively. Yeah, it is true I went out and let loose a little bit following my job termination, but I can't really take shit for that.. it's like being dumped. You pour a sizable portion of your heart and soul into something, for a decent amount of time, especially with all the backlog that led you to that point - you have honestly made an emotional, and to a degree physical investment in things. I always say "never get too attached to things - it could be here one minute and gone the following..." but honestly, as human beings it is impossible for us NOT to invest in that routine, to become susceptible to it, to require it. It's part of our nature, whether or not we choose to be entirely cognizant of it. So, yeah, letting go - though it gets somewhat easier each time, depending on the circumstances - in removing one's routine, it should be expected that a person will go a little wonky for a spell while they try to adapt to the new situation. At least, to return to an older model of being..

My hand hurts, I type too much..

So I am sad because there's a lot of things on the periphery of my life that are ending and changing. Like I said, it's the background, but it's still enough that it's worthy of noting in my blog. For one, and it sounds petty, but my favorite radio station is GONE. Just like that. As I've got older I have listened more and more to talk radio, especially with my long-ish commute. It's never impeccable, but it's always been there for me in some shape or form and it's just - gone now. It's manageable, we have internet, we have ipods, etc - I can find other shit to suck up my audio time when the need arises. But yeah, sucks to acknowledge the end of a nice little thing in the background of my life. Ah well, it happens, and it ain't the end of the world. The great thing about the world, is that it's always full of TONNNNNS of cool stuff, you just need to do some homework and be a little daring/adventurous/experimental, and you will find. Culture is a fascinating resource..

Still trying to exercise as much as possible, it's been 4 years since I have had a gym membership (geez you think I'd approach getting in some kinda shape by now!) but honestly, I am one of those people who will be real dedicated/work fairly hard to maintain consistency with it, and then some BS (like losing a job) will happen and it will knock me out of whack (see above) and I'll just have a "fuck it who cares, not me anymore" attitude. And then time will pass and I will say "fuck it I paid for it/am still paying for it" so won't cancel, with the hope that I'll get back into the swing of things when it becomes convenient, but then - like - 9 months or so will pass and I'll get by on only the tiniest amount of exercise a day (like, walking to my car/the bathroom). Not good! Especially as I get older and my metabolism continues it's plummet, earthward - seriously. So, I have maintained this recent go-round with some sincere steadiness. It's not perfect, and I lapse a bit here and there, but I am getting to the point now where I feel it's fairly ingrained in my basic lifestyle, that I need to go out and exert to the point of uncomfortable sweatiness for a short time, every day or so. So yeah, let's keep up the fight!

On that note, I am gonna check my weight, put the laundry away, and try to get back to messing with the game engine which I am attempting to decipher. Another day, another engine, yaddayaddayadda..

business minded

going to start posting duplicates of my texturemonkey blogs in here as well, labeled under "game industry". Right now I keep them as separate blogs, but I wanna consolidate them so they are "handy in one place." I will keep publishing TM blogs separately, for business-minded reasons (never mind the name of this particular blog entry!) But really I'd like to keep all my stuff accessible through one main location for personal reasons/general documentation/etc. I will keep the business stuff off of Myspace - and I will still dupe the myspace posts in here under "personal." Confusing, eh?
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it's been a wild week, kind of. lots of ups and downs - lots of things to think about. stuff that makes me happy, stuff that makes me depressed. stuff that makes me feel pressured - i guess it sounds like every other week in my professional life, right? anyway, it's good to keep busy, and there's a lot of directions that everything could go right now. today i woke up VERY late, after being grilled by the unemployment lady on the phone (that stuff is still up in the air - lovely!) Cleaned up my house a little, took a long walk thru hollywood - i like doing that, makes me remember i live in a world that exists beyond just my desk, fridge and toilet - had a nice burrito ultimo at baja fresh, contemplated hitting hooters next door for $2.50 beer specials (all day Thursday!) but, super-stuffed from my $9 Burrito (yeah,I need to not do that stuff right now!) i continued to amble on down hollywood blvd, westbound. They blocked off the main street cuz the academy awards are coming up and they have a massive show to prep - i rounded the corner on la brea then made my way back homewards.

got home, downloaded Noby Noby Boy for PS3 (by the dude who made Katamari Damacy) - messed with that a bit, then plunged back into learning a new game engine, i need to produce a self-imposed test to get a shot at a decent job that i am looking at. I know a guy over there, I don't know how good of an in it is (but anything helps!) - looking at their editor, it's a little cumbersome but not TOO bad so far, just trying to adapt my usual style and pick up like I always do (a lot of that in my life lately!). I am familiar enough of the theme they wanna see, so i am not to worried about nailing it at this point - hell, i have done it enough times before. just concerned "will i make it in enough time, before someone else snatches up that position?" and all the usual "what other limiting factors are gonna work against me?" But yeah, the course is always the same really. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

I have my hands in lots of things right now. Perhaps a few too many - mostly interesting, some kind of outrageous. There's enough stress to keep me motivated to follow up as much as possible, well - between that and hope for a better future. One day it will line up alright! But yeah, good to be busy, and kinda nice to feel like i am kinda in charge of my destiny --- kiiiinda. As usual, i must remain humble, good to be confident but bad to lean on it, especially during these trying times.

Grab another beer and get back to work - now!

more of the same

.. I had left that last post half-realized and decided to pull the trigger on it (oh.. so committing!) Well to finish up the rest of that story - we went to spaceland to see a bad "Don Caballero," powered on whiskey. I threw down a couple of shots (well, just one maybe) and enjoyed the music. I liked the band for years, but never saw them (discovered them in, like, college - so you can imagine the scene). The show was.. it was alright. Bad sounded great, but hell - they were old. WE WERE OLD. The whole scene was so sedate. The band was rockin' but the crowd was half-a-goddamned-sleep. I guess the point is, we are not rioting punk-assholes anymore. I had some energy and slam danced a little, for what it was worth, but overall - it was good to get out of there. Ah well! Good to see my friends anyway. Next day was hanging out, I had lots of errands to run (what else is new eh?) - Saturday night = Valentine's day dinner, took my girl out to the valley for some yummy japanese BBQ. I really like Gyu-Kaku. So damned tasty. One of the more enjoyable places to eat I must say. She enjoyed it, so I was happy too - Sunday night met up with some friends to see that new movie "Coraline" which was well-made and creepy, then my friend Andy and I drank late into the night (he had the day off today - good excuse). I cabbed home, then realized as I was getting out of the cab that my housekeys were back in my car (at Andy's place - ulp, shit). Cabbed back to his pad, got my keys, then back to home again, then just hang out 'n pass out (honestly, I think I stayed up till like 8:30 the next morning). Yeah so - my hours and lifestyle are a little questionable now. What do you want, huh. I went out in the pouring rain, in the wee hours, to mail out my first unemployment claim - found it this morning face-down on the ground, ignored by the mailman, drenched by the elements, a squished dead moth attached to it. Dropped the f'er in the mailbox up the street as I walked back to my buddy's house to reclaim my vehicle (took me about an hour of walking). And the rest of the day, going through game engine tutorial stuff. Dry - very dry - but useful, I will get more mileage out of it tomorrow I am sure.

So, there's the snapshot of my life then. Things are alright. I am okay - feeling a little weird right now. I stumbled on some old photo albums (online) from days past, reminding me of the fact that it's been like 4 yrs since I started this leg of my life really. Made me feel old, kinda gross, kinda.. pointless. It's like, each time I go through this stuff, I just toss all this older stuff out from behind me, my enthusiasm gets kind of waning for a little while. I like things, life is good, but the raw stupid innocence which used to drive me really needs kicking back in. I need some kind of different direction or something. I don't know. Something is just missing. I think when I go on some other crazy adventure, maybe it will invigorate me again. We will see. At least stuff is moving on, right?

absurdly terrific

WELL OKAY THEN, seeing as how it is a good couple of weeks wort of time since I have posted in this thing - and I find myself with a couple of free minutes to go on about things here, and there, in my life, so I will do just that!

First and foremost, in recent times there's been some activity in a certain major point of my life, professionally - but which I'd best keep hushed up about for the time being, and so for now I will do just that. Regardless I have been on the warpath once more, in the job-searching fashion anyway - that's never what one would call ' a wonderful time time," though while it certainly is a pain in the ass, it also is an overall chance to slant one's entire life in a more positive direction - and so for that I am not only grateful, but also quite optimistic. It should come as no surprise to those who have known me, that I have been rather unhappy in my professional life for some time. The videogame industry is quite an exciting one, but it can also be fairly exhausting - and punishing as well - even, or especially when one pours a fair amount of their heart and soul into it. But that's what on gets when they get involved with a relatively new industry, one whose nuts and bolts are still being fairly figured out (and all the while, they are evolving in spite of that). Without going on ad on about i, I will say that it is, essentially, business as usual...

So then, to the job search. I usually will not divulge much in the way of details in a public forum for obvious reasons - let's just say I am talking to plenty of people about different prospects, and they are all across the board (well, I shouldn't say any of them AREN'T things that sound like they could be good steps). Yeah, the world is a hairy place rigt now, economically, but in spite of it I am happy with the things that are on my plate. So too must I mention that I am DAMN busy right now. I am touching up a lot of my existing work (that which I am permitted to show) - lots of tightening up of things like my website, resume, cover letters, etc. Scrounging around for ideas/info about what it is I will do next. Do I wanna just plunge headfirst into "the sure thing" or something a little more unusual, even a bit more possibly daring? When things calm down with all of this headscratching, I will just sit at my desk and plow forward with the thing I desire most, which is to update my body of work, generally - that is, make some stuff that's completely mine, not just "stuff for work." I have lots of ideas floating around in my head, and I am feeling particularly inspired right now. But I would rather put that energy to prper use at the moment than just get all started with some new project off in XYZ direction, purely for the sake of that.

I have a new PC running at home, it's been sitting here largely untouched for some months now, waiting to become useful. In this period I have funally got it all tweaked out and loaded up with all the necessary apps and directories and things setup, it feels nice to have a clean slate to work with - also it's a fair sight more powerful than it's half-decade old predecessor, so it's much more of a joy/less of a pain in the ass to actually use the thing. I am trying my damnedest to keep it "all about the business" with this box, not messing around with any "bad stuff" on it, but in this day and age, there's a blur on that line at times - and today, when applying some patches to a necessary tool I unwittingly downloaded some shitty trojan onto the thing, and am presently trying to clear that up. Nerdy to complain about, but the danger is real - ALL MY NECESSARY FILES are residing on the sister drives, so if my system goes down right now, I AM gonna be prety mad. I am talking about tons of work, loads and loads of things which I need to backup properly. It's not happened yet not because I have been lazy, so much as that it has not been terribly practical - it's a pain in the ass to do it. If it goes down, I am not ruined by a long shot, but I will regret losing so many valuable files - textures, mesh files, etc - irreplaceable renders of some of my best work, and so forth. I will take tis as a warning to get the most vital stuff backed-up ASAP, and I am not trying to sound neurotic as I wonder about this - I had some serious virus problems at my office just a couple of weeks ago, within two weeks' time my HD died twice. Fortunately it didn't kick my ass, but it was enough to rattle my nerves.

Anyway - enough about all of that. So what's up besides the job hunt? Well, I am a different guy these days, in some ways - happier to have certain stressed behind me, but also mindful of the pain-in-the-ass potentially coming down the road. I have been trying to live a little, maybe a little more than I'd think is practical, but it's been a hectic and stressful time and I feel like I deserve a little reprieve at least. After this all started, I hit a crazy club in Hollywood with my friends who were trying to console me, the place was wild - like being in some swanky vegas club. Super Bowl/My birthday (argh!) followed a couple of days after that, which I celebrated by relaxing with some friends and eating lotssssss of nachos. Next week or so was pretty mellow with the work stuff, really - last weekend I met my friend for some Armenian (ah Zankou), it turned into a sunday night jaunt to Jumbo's Clown Room up the street (ah atmosphere) and then, a few beers later, over to Ruby (Hollywood and La Brea) for Beat It! ('80s dance night, used to be the shit - for real!) This past week had been busy with more of the same during the day - tweaking stuff, chasing leads, running out to the post office to devlier demos, video editing my reel, etc. Tuesday night turned into another Cinespace evening, but it kinda devolved into some shitty drama which I'd be best not writing about in here. Gave me a nice hangover which led to a fairly unproductive Wednesday, though I did manage to run several errands in spite of that (going downtown etc). Friday some of my buddies from down in Irvine decded to make the haul up to Hollywood to pay their respects, so to speak, so they brought some whiskey and we downed a bunch, then headed over to spaceland in silverlake to catch a show.

that weight has fallen

It was leaning against the side of my computer and keeping it from making the damn whirry "I am gonna explode someday, soon" noise.

Tonight I drove out to the valley, it was my friend's kid's birthday. it made me melancholy - i really dislike the valley (as many do) for several reasons, but i do miss working there. in my decade-plus career in the industry, I have to say that my time at Neversoft was definitely the happiest, in many ways. Yeah, there were umpteen million tony hawk games put out by the time I joined up, but it was still a labor of love for many of the folks cranking them out even after that many iterations - and there was still a long way for things to go. But, that's beside the point - that was one of those studios which had attracted and maintained such a potent staff of wonderful, talented people, not only in their own right but collectively. I always used to refer to it as "imagine if you worked at a company with all of your best friends," even some of the shadier guys who kind of were more standoffish at first ended up being really genuinely cool guys who were a blast to hang out with. Man, I knew people at that studio for ages, and for my reasons I avoided trying to get in the door, I suppose - when I finally came around, well - it was kind of late, but I was still there long enough to learn and appreciate what i have just relayed. And of course, time passed and things change, as they always do. Projects changed, people left, priorities changed. Obviously, since that relative lull NS has gone on to be an even bigger and dramatically more successful company (lightning struck twice, who would have thought) - but the point I am settling on now is irrelevant in that regard.

Hollywood, I love it here, I really do - but it's a damned dark place. Not dark like the Combat Zone, per se, but still dark and shitty enough that you see a lot of messed up things when you venture out for a good time with your buddies, you see a lot of stupid people doing asinine things. You see your buddies getting a little sucked up into it; you see yourself getting sucked up too. So, yeah, after nearly a decade of this, one tends to get kinda down and depressed I guess (plus, hey, I am getting old). But hell, tonight hanging out with my buddies, those of the gang I used to see every day, work alongside, man - they have things that stress them, but they just seemed HAPPY, you know? One of the guys from Neversoft, he and his wife just had a kid and we watched them unwrap her 1st Birthday presents with her. And it was really a good time - just happy people, happy being together. It makes me a little sad, thinking back to those days, when things just were a little less complex, when we were all wrapped up in this stuff together, that excitement and enthusiasm.

The future is still bright, and it still makes me excited. I have a mixed feeling about my experiences over the past couple of years, it's not my interest to get into it now very much - for my own personal reasons as much as others - but I will say that I am very proud of the strides I have made, the tools I have learned, the work I have done, the perseverance and fortitude I have displayed, if only for self-gratification. And also, very importantly, I have made other friends since moving on from "that dream job," every time that's honestly one of the brightest points of this whole deal, working in this industry. It's not a shitty competitive rat-race. It's a brotherhood, it's fraternity, it's respect and appreciation and admiration. Yeah, sometimes I have been betrayed to some degree, I have had stupid crap happen, that happens to everyone. You never get less bitter for it, but you learn from it, and you move on, and you must appreciate all the positives that come out of it.

It's a sad time for a lot of folks in the world right now, even in this blog I have been writing much of the layoffs at many game companies - yeah, well there's plenty of poor SOBs out there in the world who have nothing to do with the games industry who are getting the pink slips handed to them en masse as well, let's not forget about them either all right! Good luck to us all, steel up for some more shitty darkness, and hopefully something good will come out of all of this, soon enough.

tough as nails

So, things are alright. 2009 has been quite an interesting year out of the gate, and it's barely even started yet. I have to say I was a little disappointed at the beginning "oh it will be another one of THOSE years" and now - well, it's gonna be something. Just not too sure what...

The world of videogames is evolving in difficult and strange, painful ways. I guess it shouldn't be shocking, and yeah "the salad days" as we knew them are definitely over. There's still a lot of exciting, fun times coming, but it's gonna be hugely different from PS1 and PS2 eras. The world shapes games, and they shape the world. It's okay - even from my jaded standpoint, things have been kind of stale for awhile and in need of a drastic kick in the pants. It will come - the seeds are there (xbox live!). Nintendo and it's juggernaut systems will keep sailing along pretty powerfully. I don't know what things will look like when the dust clears, the world will still be there though!

I am really busy with my website, I have spent several hours pouring over it the past couple of weeks - have a look! www.texturemonkey.com - those that have seen it before will probably think "oh doesn't look that much different really.." Well, with certain things you can work on them a lot over time, even artistically - and the changes will be nearly negligable to the naked eye, but when you're dealing with a, ahem, nitpicky audience, a little will go a long way. The point is I have been running my website, in one form or another (it's pretty much direct from the same source - it's always been a portfolio website!) and though it's been upended quite a bit over time, I have it pretty comfortably representing myself, professionally, at this stage. There's always more I could do with it - and some of the stuff up there is painful as hell to look at and must get resolved ASAP - but for what it is worth, I am proud of my work and how it is presented there. Let me take this opportunity to request any feedback (always!) on anything up there, the overall design/presentation/individual content, anything that anyone sees that looks like it should be revamped or removed or whatever, please let me know - any info is always welcome and useful.

It is a really busy time for me right now. I have so much to think about, and a lot of important things to deal with - I wish I could write more about it on this blog, I will when the time is right. I will say this much, it is exciting and stressful at the same time (but then that is how it usually goes). Either way, watch this space, no matter what I should have some cool things to show and interesting news to relay soon enough.

unemployed once again

: (

job leads welcome. that's all.

the disco will find you

Tuesday night, I sit here at my desk at Obsidian, digesting a freshly-devoured turkey sandwich. This sandwich, it should be noted, not only had pickles on it, but also coleslaw - some semi-spicy mustard - a dabble of half-fake mayonnaise, and some healthier (?) cheese substitute that still tastes enough like cheese that i will accept it. All of this, compliments of the fridge which resides next to my desk will i work, every day. Ah hell yes, it is the life, isn't it, folks???

So, I am a bit down lately. Work is taking me out a bit, I review my eleven preceding years in the games industry and realize I still have to make "the big hit." I have had a couple of close calls, that is I have been at some places where if things worked out differently for me I'd be a rather rich man by now. I could have had some crazy guitar hero residuals. I could have had some insane WOW money. God damn, if only I had a crystal ball... But that's the thing. It's hard to see this stuff coming. You never know where your studio is going to steer, nor what will be the Next Big Thing. I mean, to harp on it again, look at freakin' guitar hero. Look at it! That thing could have been made a decade ago! (Oh wait - it was!) Well, there's a clear-cut case of something showing up before it's time and not being properly implemented, but at least someone was on the ball with the thought process. Anyway even at the start of it's current genesis (as opposed to Konami's initial offerings) it still had some hurdles to pass, and a couple of iterations to catch on, but here it is. And now it's just a box with bars that float down it, while zillions of dollars are being made. So.. what, then, IS NEXT?

This is what all my bretheren are scratching their heads on while they cruise on the freeway each day. "Where's the next idea? Who's got the next crazy gimmick that everyone will want to shell out megabucks for? What do we want - what do THEY NEED?" And then, less troubling, how many times can we repackage this chippity choppity and crank it out until the stuff is milked and drained?

Well, I won't get all crazy with this. I am not in this "just for the money" - but hell. I get tired of working my ass off and pouring my heart and soul into this stuff, and years pass, and I'm still driving a beater, dressing like I am homeless, feeling kinda crushed and run-over while the world kind of keeps whizzing past me. It's funny, I can sometimes think of some ways to "get rich quick" but hey - it's pretty hard to just detach yourself from your relatively stable sure-thing routine and put everything on the line like that, especially when we are not living in the most prosperous of times. Honestly - I am so happy and fortunate right now to just have a JOB, and one where the people are cool, the projects are cool, and there's a lot of things that I can feel positive about. Yeah, of COURSE there's problems which make me feel madness. Sure I hate scrounging and compromising things in my life, who doesn't. But the industry is a different beast right now, it's no longer a case of "hum a few bars and I'll fake it." Competition is beyond ridiculous now (look how many AAA FPS titles released in the past few months!) - there's just not really much room for dicking around. 2008 was an incredibly rough year for games, one that really surprised me a lot - and so my guard is understandably up for the new year as a result. At this point - just let me keep doing what I do. I will walk the walk and talk the talk. I won't be a bitch and I won't be a whiny "i wiiiiish things could be difffferent!" Yeah, we all get antsy sometimes (we are people, not robots!) but at the beginning of the day and the end of the day, I pass through the main lobby of this office building - and I always feel pretty DAMN good to be passing in and out.

So what am I playing right now? Well.. COD4 oooorah, and Mappy.

OOorah! I want to put colecovision on my game boy micro. OOOOOrah!

well...

last night (sat night) went out for a friend's b-day, met up downtown... some place called "the redwood" i believe. Interesting joint, quite small and packed. I got loaded rather quickly (it had been a couple of weeks) and licked my friend andy's inner elbow. Something about excessive whiskey is making me perverted, that's good to know. I also think i kissed my friend aaron's hand. Alright, it's official, i am going homosexual at last. AT LAST. I guess i can hack it so long as I keep it to elbows and hands, i guess i could do something with toes also. I don't know all about the whole penis and butthole thing. That's not really kosher for me. Speaking of which, I FINALLY saw a guy at the gym who was wearing a yarmulke as he was working out. That's like.. two kinds of dedication at the same time. I wonder what happens when he swims? Does he wear a raincoat-material yarmulke? Can NASA get on that please? Speaking of THAT, my friend recently wondered "what happened to raincoats anyway, You never see them anymore..." Duh. We live in Soutern California. Who needs a raincoat down here?? I understand the sentiment though. Raincoats are totally one of those things that screams "developed and sold in the 1970s and 1980s," perhaps if the grunge scene lasted a little longer you would have seen a few more of those yellow beasts, maybe it's time to start wearing them out to the clubs. We'll see. The emo kids won't like it - I don't see Hot Topic picking up a line of Twilight Raincoats, but who knows. People will buy anything, no matter how ugly or weird (yup.)

Sunday night, did a lot of sitting on my ass this weekend. I had a lot of stuff I should have done - when don't I - but generally my engines are burned a little lately. Things just pile up, in life, sometimes.. I am okay though. Moody as all get-out but I get my stuff done.. I am working on it.

Mentioned the gym, I have been pretty good about going (almost) daily, it's still a new thing in my life (again) but already I do feel better for it, a little more energized.. it's not too much of a drag to go. I love the one near work, well as much as one can love a gym - that is, they have goddamned cable TVs on top of every single machine, I watched "the Right Stuff" while I was Treadmilling. Not joking. I think I watced "The Grudge 2" the other night (bad movie!) Lots of family guy and CNN. Okay it's all rotten to my brain, but the point is to keep my mind off the fact that I am running in place like an idiot. Oh what has the world become??? What?

The gym in Hollywood is much more of a letdown. A lot more of the older set, nebbishy, ya know.. OC is trim and fit and style-concious. Lots of hotter chicks, I guess.. Hollywood just has like 3 screens on the wall, no big deal (just the weekends anyway) but my iPod is one foot in the grave - as all HD iPods usually wind-up - so I can only kinda listen to music on it before it starts failing and I gotta smack the shit out of it while I am trying to run or whatever, trying not to alarm the people working out beside me. Yeah, the gym. Also, last night was awesome, and I am actually pretty ashamed to mention this in my blog, but ater I finished working out I pulled into the drive-thru of the McD's which is ATTACHED TO THE SAME BUILDING AS THE GYM (are you tired of my caps yet) and bought a damned Big Mac, and promptly engulfed it. I know, I know "what's the damned point of working out then?" but I was going to be drinking - a lot - in no short order so I wanted a big greasery burger down there to lie in wait and soak up some of the whiskey, you know? It's bad enough blowing money on a bar bill, and licking/spitting on my friends (Gay, Gay, Gay), and calling my girlfriend late in the night to talk about.. something, which I usually only have piecemeal memories of, et cetera, but the crowning achievement of all of that is to be hungfuckingover the following day, esp. when it is the weekend, and I need that time to actualy NOT feel like a braindead bag of leopard feces, or something. So, yeah, Big Mac = a worthwhile investment, I stand by my decision.

alriiiight, it is almost 3:30 in the morning, I need to wake up for work in like 5 hrs. I don't know how many hours I actualy slept last night (probably in the neighborhood of six, i'd wager..?) Good night, good week, good luck.

good night sweet prince, well, it is time to go???

so i want to end my myspace blog? does any "actual" person (besides web spiders) actually look at this anymore... i know myspace is pretty passe'? if i kill it, i will still update the blogger page. does anyone care?
not me, i have a love/hate relationship with the internet at this point. honestly, it's filled with useful/interesting things, and in some ways i have contributed a lot to it. but really i WOULD NOT MIND IF IT WENT AWAY, FOREVER. I miss being a human, and being able to associate with other humans around me, on a human level. the bits and bytes are not terribly conducive to that. if you don't know, even in the slightest, what i am referring to, then u are already too far gone. Sigh.

adios EGM

and so, another great videogame institution comes to an end. Though in many ways, for me EGM has been gone for so many years now, at least the one "of my childhood" - that rough, rushed-out magazine with half-realized misinformation and crappy editing, but all the same it looked very loved by those who worked on it and hey, it SPOKE to me! I would run to the mailbox every month hoping the new copy would be tightly folded in there, waiting for me - i still have a bunch of the old issues in a box in my closet, held together with staples and tape. "Turbografx-16 or Sega Genesis, which is better? First look at Super Mario 4, and Sega Genesis CD-ROM!" Ah the good old days.

EGM as it's been since I've been working in the industry is a whole different affair, but times are of course extremely different - oh, but they are. I don't need to go into it for the umpteenth time, about how games are a much bigger corporate deal than the days of my youth when it was merely a "hobby/toy" type of thing in the eyes of the industry.. Also, it's very important to mention how media/news dissemination has changed rather globally as well. It's no surprise that magazines (print journalism) just cannot compete with online journalism in many ways, though that isn't to say that print hasn't still got an important place (or is no longer relevant). It's sad to see that the online arm of EGM (1UP.com) really dropped the ball in maintaining pertinence alongside rivals like Gamestop or IGN (perhaps they should have followed through with some kind of merger in earlier times) and kept their legacy going - as it looks now, things are just hitting a wall and splintering. That's not to say no good will come of this - a lot of the 1UP/EGM editors have quite high visibility on the games journalism scene, and no doubt many of the more "regal" ones will at least be able to maintain their presence elsewhere, in a way that people can still follow along. Yeah, things like "the 1UP show" and "the Brodeo" are no longer in existence, but they do leave a legacy and some smart and talented people in their wake. Hopefully, time and money will both be on their sides to continue in an appreciable fashion. I mean, I would watch the 1UP show as often as possible, it was far from perfect but certainly a great way to see what was going on arond the industry, in many ways (even if from a very particular view).

It's interesting to see where gaming journalism is going - other than EGM, I'd been a pretty staunch reader of IGN for ages (though as my time became more precious, and IGN became more blowhardy/illegible, I barely look at it more than a couple of times a month these days!). It's hard to argue with sites like NeoGAF, and Gamasutra - between those two, and the aforementioned podcasts, I would generally feel failry well-informed on the state of things across the board, in at least a pretty broad fashion. I still have things to pay attention to, but yeah - I have been spoiled! Please, some one else, rush in to fill the gap...

It was not hard to foretell the end of EGM. I think I made some mention of this in recent blog posts, basically several high-level people have been leaving long-held positions at the magazine/network. It was only a matter of time really (also, the PC edition closed up shop a good 6 months or so ago, as well...) I can't say I am really that sad about the physical mag coming to an end, again it's not the same as it was years ago, all things considered.. but it was nice while it lasted. Good luck to all of those who lost their jobs (it's been a pretty rough season!) and I absolutely look forward to hearing more from those talented folks in the future. I will go on the record here, if we see something else along the lines of a professionally-produced 1UP Show/1UP Yours/Brodeo set of things pop up, I would definitely pitch in a few dollars for a subscription (as opposed to the free model of the past). That would certainly be worth a few bucks to me!

baggeries

people love saying "douche bag." Now it has evolved into "baggery" or even "baggeries" to describe the actions of such an individual. How odd - people are strange. Anyway you will not hear me saying "douche bag" very often, if at all. It just sounds like some fancy french purse to me.

And so, it is nigh on to midnight on sunday night, the culmination of my winter 08 vacation has come (and gone) - for shortly, I will drift to sleep and be awake again, to stare at the breaklights of my thousands of fellow commuters, as we all return to work for another day poundin' the pavement, earning that cashola, trying to make our way to that sublime shangri-la at some uneven point down in the who-knows-where distance of it all. Ohhh, yeah.

And it's sad my vacation has wrapped up, since I had nearly two weeks of time off - it went by in a flash, and though it certainly was not "bad," it didn't feel particularly wonderful. I did have a couple of decent moments though, and spent some good times with me mates, yeh i did. Hell, thinking back to xmas eve already feels like it was a long, long time ago! I guess over the break i just hung out a LOT. I played some videogames (mostly littleBigPlanet). I didn't really get to the gym, as i had planned (still waiting for the damned membership card to arrive in the mail...!) but I did go out and at least walk around (a LOT) and get my blood n' bones moving around some - didn't just sit on my butt the ENTIRE time. I had hoped to do some artwork at home - something - but that didn't come to pass either, although I finally DID get a little inspired today, at last (final day of vacation, figures....)

I also solicited many people for ideas of things to read and got my hands on a little cross-section of books. I made it through a Howard Zinn graphic-novelization of his famous work, which was well-made but of course extremely upsetting (just makes me think "what's the point of ever trying to buy things or watch TV, since the whole universe is basically mean and evil). I did get out and party a couple of times as well - night after xmas (26th) went out to the bar with some friends and got fairly gonzered, then of course out for NYE (though I was probably drunk for all of a half-hour before coming down rather quickly, as I had things to take care of). Went out to the local bar (everyone loves Birds!) on Fri night for a couple drinks with the local fellows, nothing crazy (then of course some rock band to burn off the remaining energy. Till 5am! GEEZ!) Last night (saturday) a friend was in town so we took the opportunity for boy's night out, small patches of which i have vague residual memories of (yep, love those mornings when you wake up feeling like death itself and you think "oh, so it looks like i made it home once again...")

What else to relate - friday and today I did my boyfriend duty and took the lady out shopping, as all men must at times. Otherwise - uh - watched a lot of old twilight zone's on new year's day (marathon on the scifi channel!) and now, sitting here in the dark and quiet night, i must prepare to turn in and resume my "real life," of course. Yeah, of course I am not terribly psyched to get geared back up to the routine, but after a couple of days it will be alright to have my normalcy again. I am just anxious to plow through the next month or so, and get my dreaded "BDAY" past me, oh i dont really like those anymore. but HEY! On the upside, since I have started exercising/eating slightly better, my weight has been dropping - I am down about 5 pound,s which isn't much but I am really a CONSISTENT MOFO so that's a good sign. I want to get rid of this gut and fast -

correction to the previous

okay i suppose it has been somewhere on the inside of an hour or so since the last entry i wrote.

mind you i have been thinking a bit and writing a lot, lately. my mind is split a few different ways: business in general - macro (my industry) and micro (my career in my own particular path). Also between social - my friends, my relationship, my family ties. And then between my own personality - work, make money, buy shit, ease the pressures, let time pass, "if i make some more money i can buy that nicer Television, to watch shit on, and also maybe some new sponges for the kitchen sink" I sit here hunched over the computer, or splay out on the couch "wonder when the washer will be done"

it is so easy to let life pass you by. to let life pass, you buy. wouldn't a burger be good right now? maybe a diet soda? answer my cellphone please? 'cause it is getting a lot of
messages backlogged on it.

i don't understand. my girlfriend said she was interested in meeting me because she wanted to see what it would be like to date (another) artist, 4 years later and I have just become another whiny wussy asshole. Now I have different shoes to fill.

Fuck it. I was the one who decided to put those shoes on.

I live in one of the most interesting places and work in this crazy industry with some of the wildest people you ever could meet. We all just mash up our brains trying to figure out how to make it satisfying to kill virtual people, monsters, and robots for the eighty-seven hundredth time. I watch the news and it tells me how the world is stupid and shitty and we are all miserable and sad and the brown people want to kill us. I think I forgot how to be a cool guy..

i pick up a book and it comes flooding back to me, fleetingly... all the tools i need are right here, in my head, in my hands. All my strength is just a moment away. I get so easily caught up in the trappings of being another dude like all the other dudes and suddenly i realize "i thougt i liked myself, but now i don't, instead i will just let it pass by."

is this a conscious decision? am i smart and crafty but also jaded and exhausted - from love, from dedication, from passion, or have i simply got over my naivete? The world is big and brilliant and young and ready and I just wanna keep eating pizza and drinking corona and staring at the same shit day after day? Man. I wanna have a nervous breakdown. So what if I get arrested and fired and no one wants to listen to me anymore. At least that way, I can look forward to being excited again.

I don't know the answer. It is monday night and I have 6 days till the man owns my soul again. i have.. maybe a few hours ago until the woman owns the rest of it again. I will sit here going back and forth in my head and bask in the glow of the monitor, or the dash of my dying car, or the rough cut-up feeling of the back of my phlegmy throat. It is so damned easy to waste time. I am tired of this shit. 2009 is just a number, December and January are just names we made up to formulaically describe the same period of time in what (makes it feel better to think of as) the "revolving door of our lives," but it really doesn't matter. It's just moving forward, till you hit that wall, and then after that whatever debris you left behind is all that will matter as far as you are concerned..

I am just another schmoe, I am working too long (not very long, but long enough) to see the damned cycle go back and forth, and get too used to getting caught up in it myself. if i practiced whatever it is i am trying to preach, i cannot really say there's no way I wouldn't just fall right back into the damned pattern, the pattern which I just crave anyway. I mean.. I am not gonna quit. I will always just have to work around and keep doing what I know I can do. Hopefully - it is up to me - I will find some way to get back in touch with that weird little freaked part of me ad use some of these tools i have, to do something interesting, instead of just the same damned shit all of the time, like everyone else. But yeah, Happy new year then.

comes a time

and so another year winds down to a close.

i feel older, i feel worn down, i feel irritated.. but i also feel thankful for the good times, the good friends, the luxuries. 2008 wasn't a banner year by any means, but i did manage to hold down a job for the duration (beginning to end!) even if we didn't ship a game, and there were some cuts. Also I did get to go to China (high point of the year, for sure!) and survived a visit from the folks, even Also my girl didn't get too sick of me.. yet. Nor did i wind up in the hospital with some kind of alcohol poisoning, so I guess that's a decent noteworthy point. EH? EH? EH???

2009 i haven't got much to expect. i don't go into it with much enthusiasm. things are good, and i should hope they stay that way, but i hope i end it on a brighter note than going on. the world is a little wacky right now, and i am feeling a bit rough around the edges because of my own stupid brain. but i yam whatti yam. by this time next year i'd love to have more money, a new car, and better security with work and hey, a new car wouldn't be a bad thought (no way that thing's gonna be able to last one more year!)

Actually here's what i predict. I will get a new job, making 5 times my current salary. I will lose 15 pounds off my gut (and ass) and gain 7 (of pure muscle) in my arms and chest. The press will be beating down my doors for interviews, gorgeous supermodels falling at my feet, and my bald spot will start growing out (and my erectile dysfunction will disappear for good. FOR GOOD) All my debt will disappear and I will suddenly find myself owning 3 luxury houses (two in Europe) and countless riches.

Hey. It could happen. Suck on that, World.

2008 - year-end wrap-up

And so, my little blog finds it's way to the end of another year, and I suppose it's my duty (absolutely!) to do a little summation of what 2008 had in store for the world of gaming.

Unlike the previous year, 2008 seemed relatively quieter/less disruptive overall. A lot of money was made, lots of big sweeping changed occurred, but overall the year seemed kind of grey in it's tone. I would say in the bigger scheme of things, it was a somewhat forgettable year overall... not a bad one, though.

Lots and lots of big releases for a year I hadn't expected much fanfare from. We saw the PS3 hitting it's stride quite a bit, after kind of a dull 1st year in existence. Xbox 360 of course had a great year, well at least consistent if not... noteworthy. Wii is continuing to be a mammoth money-making machine, and it saw some decent releases as well, but again nothing like it's previous year (though it saw a few very solid titles). DS and PSP sort of went on doing their thing, with expected efforts.

Economically, I can't say I know how much moolah the games industry raked in, but you can bet it was something hefty. I believe March alone saw something in the neighborhood of a BILLION dollars (a sum that previous entire years could not match!) and that was before some of the year's bigger releases had even come out. Despite the wild profits, game development has become exponentially more expensive, so in spite of wonderful sales, it's costing much more to get to those profits - we saw a lot of layoffs and studio closures this year, as the typical cycle of change continued in the industry. It really hit in earnest toward the end of the year (not unusual for such things) but what a bummer..!

Games releases - as noted, I was a little clueless about what was due to come down the pipe this year, but as it unfolded I wised up. We saw heavy hitters Metal Gear Solid 4 and GTA 4 of course, with much buildup and fanfare proclaiming these games to be the Second Coming for some time now. Ultimately, they may have failed to live up to that hype, and regardless of what their ultimate effects were on their audiences, they did deliver - and they DID sell loads of copies. Of course all eyes were on the Wii this year, as it's been building up quite a head of steam since release - for a variety of reasons, not least of which is it's remarkably well built-up userbase (hey, it is still challenging to find a wii system available for purchase on a store shelf! It has been TWO YEARS!) Wii did well with titles such as Smash Bros. Brawl, Mario Kart, and of course Wii Fit - regardless of how these titles rated, or their staying power, they were standout during the year for various reasons. Wii Music released for the holidays, a game which I am sure will always be remembered as one that never-quite-fit, though it does seem to have it's fans (though perhaps not the intended sales). Personally, the Wii surpised me with the "EA/Steven Spielberg Collaboration" Boom Blox, which looks horribly childish (and low-tech) but is just incredibly fun, particularly at parties. No one wanted to like this game, but after playing it I don't think anyone could argue that it's one of the most enjoyable videogames ever produced, in many ways..

PS3 games.. ummm.. it's escaping me right now, WHAT came out for this system - was lair this year? Sigh. PS3 is stuttering along, they aren't exactly falling apart at the seams but certainly failing to impress when it really counts. I guess we saw Ninja Gaiden 2 on PS3 - or was it Xbox? (Exactly! Well, it was only on Xbox actually) Devil May Cry released for both systems this year as well, a former PS3 exclusive that wanted to "make money" and I cannot blame them. So they got their MGS4
anyway, and the (who noticed?) Metal gear Online as well. I couldn't even tell you if there was a SOCOM. Gran Turismo Prologue I think (enough with this...!) Ratchet and Clank got a very tiny side-story (better than nothing, but commendable nonetheless). No Jak and Daxter, no Spyro, okay that stuff is a generation or two old but still we should have seen something by SOMEone. There's big holes in their release schedule, and not much excuse for it. I mean, money is waiting to be spent! At the end of the year we got another Motorstorm (who asked for it?) and Resistance 2 (should have waited another year, or "who asked for this either?") Sony is a smart and powerful company, who seem to be making some extremely predictable missteps. Yea, they are making money. Yeah, their system is "formidable." But they are losing a lot of ground for some pretty simple reasons. I guess this is what happens when you start getting top-heavy (and invested a bit much in the longevity of the PS2). I predict a better 09 for PS3, but still sluggish and stale. Lest I forget, at least we got LittleBigPlanet out of the deal, one of the coolest games I have EVER seen. Truly a game which maybe didn't "deserve" to exist (2D? DIY? on PLAYSTATION?) but it gives me hope and pride to see a game this gorgeous, brilliant, and full of pep and character come out with this kind of backing. It won't make them tons of money, but at least it shows some willingness to do something weird and different.

XBox has gone on as planned - business as usual. What the hell big-name titles did they release this year, I can't even get anything out of my head? Who cares. Xbox is to hardcore gamers as Wii is to everyone else. They are truly the PS2 of this generation, in that they have games for all walks of life. Unlike PS2, they are powerful enough (technically) to stand head-to-head with the competition (PS2 always looked weak next to Xbox and Gamecube, though it had many more "fun games" that everybody wanted). Okay, this is bothering me, WHAT DID COME OUT for Xbox this year? Mass Effect was the end of 2007 - fallout was mutli-SKU. yeah I know Gears 2. Um... Viva Pinata 2? Banjo-Kazooie? Fable 2? Shoot I am drawing a blank, what a cheesy way to wrap up my year-end of blogging then. I guess they kinda lay back and let the multi-platform stuff run the show on autopilot then.. which I guess you an do when a billion people have already purchased your platform, and keep doing so. Notably, 360 is extremely progressive in Japan, where once upon a time (forever!) any game system not produced by Nintendo or Sony or the like was instantly DOA. Same for 360 for a time. Anyway I have to hand it to them for turning things around. I am still waiting to see if my system dies... sigh. Online, nothing spectacular. Geo Wars II, but everyone's forgotten already. I was excited - to a degree - for Galaga Legions, but the demo left me uninterested (this, after all the enjoyment I got out of Pacman CE). As noted in an earlier entry, I am waiting to see Space Invaders Extreme over here, I think that'll be a blast...!

What did the PC guys get - well, other than the usual Multi-SKU stuff, EA/Mythic got Warhammer out the door hoping to steal a little WOW thunder - no clue how that's going, though I am sure it's only a matter of time until another one bites the dust (you can't stop those guys.. behemoth!) Of course the new WOW expansion released recently as well, and it moved record units, though again.. it's an expansion. WOW's gotta get old sooner or later, but it's got some crazy-remarkable staying power. EA Maxis' Spore finally saw light, after umpteen years of development and redevelopment - again, to no great fanfare. It sounds interesting, but another halfhearted effort at the end of the day, no doubt throttled by politics and economics. But hey, I am not gonna be one to kick EA when they are down, they have definitely been trying to do right by the critics as of late (much to their stockholders' chagrin).

--ONLINE --

PS3 finally got their "online experience" Home up and running, after much lead-up. I don't think many people like this thing, personally I see it as a warm pile, but I stand by my conviction that it still holds enormous potential - if exploited properly, it could become a really unique, enjoyable experience. It needs the right people in charge of it, someone with a combination of technical knowhow and imagination and enthusiasm to make it their baby, who won't cave into the suits so much - I think it could take off (I'd love to give it a shot!) That'll never happen, but as far as where it does go, time will only tell.

Xbox has their "NXE New Xbox Experience" as well, which I think is kinda gross as well, but at least they are trying to change with the times - even if it doesn't fit my taste (and I'd never promote "changing for the sake of changing," at least not in such a fashion). Still it's noticeably more accessible than Wii's 24Connect service - yuck - but hey at least Nintendo has done SOMETHING. Pathetic that it must be so championed -- Again, I'd love to be the person in charge of designing such things, as there's a lot they could learn from M$ Live and the PSN.

Soooo, yeah! Another year, all wrapped up all pretty with a big ol' BOW on it. And me, what did I play? Ah heck, I am no gamer. I just read GAF a lot, boy. I got a vectrex! That's fun! I got a TG-16 and CDRom and Japanese card to play JPN discs! I guess my most enjoyment was a few notable sessions of Boom Blox on Wii with friends, plus back to it with more Rock Band (though that's pretty stale by now. Still fun, but old!) Honestly we pulled Bomberman 2 out for SNES at a few parties this year and that got a lot of play, that was probably the most enjoyable gaming for me. I played a bit of Wii Fit, it's not "fun!" but it does feel useful and gets me more interested in going to the gym and stuff. I would love to see a tweaked-out version of this, or something.. I still have to charge up my gameboy micro with some other games... As for PSP and DS, lest I forget, nooooot much to sayyyyyyy. PSP is yawny, DS is always eh-to-really good, and iPhone/Google-thing are the ones to keep an eye on.

Am I excited for the coming year in games? Not really. It's just kind of grinding away at this point. Wii's the one to watch, always, it gets the "weird games" which I find enjoyable. Uncharted 2 will likely be fun, colorful, and more-of-the-same... God of War 2 will of course look excellent and be fun. Xbox will keep coasting. No one will care about PSP, and more weird little games will come out for DS. Everyone and their mother will keep wringing their hairs over WOW. Bleah.

---SCRREEEEECH! I almost forgot! Can't have a year-end wrap-up without some mention of the weirdness in the industry! Aside from all the upset (layoffs times a million), the usual hubbub- 19 new guitar hero games announced, activision/Blizzard merger and all of that fallout, death knells of giants like Midway and THQ, etc... we saw a lot of change in the gaming press. A lot of big names who were active in the press retired, or went over to dev, or what-have-you. Also my favorite podcasty-thing Retrogaming radio pretty much ran outta steam after a decade. Over all it was a lot of changing of the guard, across a LOT of sources that I followed, and I am not too pleased about all of that - a new day is dawning, and it's with a lot of the old guard being absent. And so it goes. Happy new year.