stop crying over spilled organelles

13 past twelve and yes i am at.. the office. On the weekend. for the umpteen billionth time. i have (still) been lighting, all day, with somewhat satisfactory results. The point is RESULTS, at least it is getting done (enough). See my last post about the wonderful world of lighting.

Really I guess I don't have much else to say right now. The lights are rendering and so I have a few minutes to twiddle my thumbs while i wait for the machine to not-crash, hopefully. It has been doing a lot of that, unfortunately - I sat here for a good hour and a half trying to render lights, and then it crashed (burning that time). Then I figured a much quicker solution, sorta by accident.. UPDATE it just finished rendering the lights, and then I hit the "save" button, and as I did that, it crashed (and ate my work). Wonderful.

I feel like 2008 has sort of slipped past me, unnoticed. This is truly a year where I've been kind of wrapped up in work, mostly, and let everything else kind of take a backseat, in many ways. I did get to have a good few standout moments of irregularity, to different degrees - hey life is never actually "boring" - but it's certainly not been the usual hecticness I was kind of keeping tempo with a couple of years ago. There's only so many hours in the day, and I am just one man.

I eat lunch with a few dudes at work pretty much daily. I suppose it would be wayyy cheaper to bring lunch in, but when I do that I tend to get even more withdrawn and disassociative from my fellow man, and all that entails - basically makes me feel kind of extra-crazy, the point is it is good to get out for a little chunk during the day and out of my work-cave and away from the wretched, wretched computer. Anyway we sit and eat nachos or burgers or pizza or burritos or buffalo wings whatever unhealthy thing we can get our hands on, once in awhile down it with a beer or two (or margarita or two, hmmm, could go for a bit of that right doggamn N-O-W) and we sit and whine about work and whine about women and whine about money and all that other crap that guys do, heh heh. Anyway, it's the good part of the day. So recently one of the guys was talking about all of the horrendous circumstances he'd found himself in, during his tenure living and schooling in and around Hollywood, a lot of the cliched craziness one would assume would happen on moving out here and being an artsy fellow in their early 20s, in this day and age - stories with a humorous bent to be sure, but also quite dark and sort of depressing, overall. Narrowly avoiding running in with colorful characters of ill-repute, to say the least, and finding ways down some dark, dark paths. I don't like to pepper my journal with too many specifics if it is not actually my story and I am not sure how cool other people would be with degrees of incriminating them - I have had issues with this before! - so I will leave it at that. Use your imagination. Dirty living, alright! Anyway, the kinds of stories that you love to hate, and I am no different. So I am listening to this dude spill his guts, and comparing it with my own past (as I'll do) and it really makes me appreciate the crowd I have surrounded myself with, at the end of the day. I guess we do take one another for granted at times - and hell, no one is perfect - and SURE (damned.. thing crashed AGAINNN).. ahem..SURE we do things to piss each other off now and again, to whatever consequences.. but yeah, I am constantly reminded of the fact that I have got a nice group of people around me, and that I am really lucky for that.

everything in paradise is wonnnnderful

greetings from the front gate! What's up, I do believe it's been a good month or so, at least, since I have last paid any manner of visit to this little hellhole i call "my gameblog." I guess a lot has happened, or not..

Right up a the first, what have I been playing? Answer, nooooot much. Nothing at all really. Just killing myself at the office as usual, I am lucky if i take 20 minutes out of my day while I am on the can to get in a little GBA action. Replace PER DAY with PER WEEK, per-haps, and then it's a little more accurate.

Anticipating the mega man 9 throwback release, not so much for the game itself (no way it can even be anywhere near as perfect as good ol' number two) but I am pretty interested to see what type of reception it gets from the community at large, this is a weird move to say the least. I will probably grab it as well, though to be honest all the MM's past three were getting kinda grating. Not that they were bad games, they weren't bad at all.. it was just "enough already!"

Our game is going along well enough, as usual there's a billion things I'd love to say as far as positives and negatives go, but that's what post-mortems are for. Meanwhile, I am supposed to be moving to the "dream project" as I like to call it, this coming week - it was supposed to happen (rather suddenly) last week, but got held over for various reasons. So I am a little suspicious of what is next, but I am sure it will outline shortly. Anyway, mixed feelings about all of that - I am used to working on a game until it is out the door, not working feverishly on one and then getting plucked and dropped right into a whole different universe. Hey, I can deal with it, that's my job! It's a little odd though, and kind of a new thing for me. Not a big deal though, but worth noting. I guess my beef is that with my current project, I've got a few loose ends I was planning on wrapping up, and suddenly I find myself having my hands washed of that, mostly - to what degree I am unsure, but I would expect it is pretty absolute (especially since the project I am moving to will likely not leave much headspace for external goings-on). Anyway, suffice it to say that's why I have been pulling madman-style hours at the office lately, to the displeasure of those involved in my social life...

autolabs, cacciatore

jeez lots of blog writin' from me lately. that's cause it's a lot of extra late-late-nights in the office for me these days. honestly i can't really remember the last time i was used to gettin' out of here before midnight. i consider getting home before 2am relatively a good thing. so, yeah. anyway, i am lighting now. i spend all this time building stuff, and painting the textures, and testing how it looks while playing thru - the last step of the creation process (before further testing and eventual breaking everything) is applying the nice, nice lighting which makes it all look really sweet or really bland. lighting is a pain, because you set up a bunch of lights as if they were in the real world - set their colors, the brightness, the falloff, directions, etc, all to a --very-- rough approximation of what it would look like onsceen. hey, it is something. a lot of calculation must be done in one's head, a lot of fakey stuff must be setup. there's not a real good "true lighting simulator' out there yet, just tons of tools to help you approach half-decent fakitude. when you do it right, things looks real smooth, real nice. when you don't set it up properly, all your hard work ends up looking sort of flat and chumpy and just not as awesome as it SHOULD (esp. compared to the other stuff!) So it's kind of a big tease really, especially when you are strapped for time. The upswing is that once you get the hang of it, and learn a bunch of shortcuts and things (like anything), you can put out some really nicely-lt looking things with some relative ease. Anyway, this is all very fascinating, I am sure. Hey. It's my freakin' blog alright! You don't like to hear about light attenuation? You don't wanna hear about my turkey sandwich from subway? You don't wanna know about the the fact that I have to dump some stuff in a dumpster illegally and hope not to get caught? Don't read! Yeah! YEAH!!!

Anyway, it's about quarter to two. I have a good 45 min of driving ahead of me yet. I am gonna let this light pass finish rendering, and so long as it's not all ugly when it comes out, I am gonna pack it in and go home.

more pudding for the put-ting

it is getting harder and harder to remember to write the proper month in the tagline up there. it's always my inclination to write MAY or or something. Time has officially stopped passing. It's all just one big endlessly endless month now, sand it just keeps going on. Forrrrrrevvvvvvvvar.

I had a dream that I was in a rough neighborhood last night, and the apartment building i was visiting was occupied solely by black jews. That sounds like something Steven Wright would say.. It is late, 11pm, and I am at the office still. I have been getting in (slightly) earlier these days, but I still seldom leave before midnight.. hell, before 1am. It's kind of a nightmare time of this project right now, a lot of stuff is coming together and as a result lots of arted things are having to be last-minute-fitted together differently. It's a bit of an irritating way to work, on the plus side I do think I have lots of good work in here to show in my portfolio. Still, I am a tired guy, and I have a neglected girlfriend.. and neglected friends. Hi May! Hi Skillz! Edwin! Mong! Jeff!! All you guys... remember me?? Tyler? Tyler Uppercut?

MVG?

Anyway, I suppose I will (at some point) drift back to some more semblance of a normalcy of life and society. I like to say that occasionally because it tricks me into thinking it might be true. The fact of the matter is, I am dyed-in-the-wool workaholic and at this point i need stupid shit to wrap my life and mind around, or I just don't feel right..

Maybe I could just spend more time writing..

I intended to get a regimen of exercise going and lose some weight before my folks came to visit, which is less than a month from now - well guess what, no exercise (and that's WITH having bought Wii Fit!) At least my weight and physique have stayed -relatively- stable. That's not too wonderful, but I guess it's better to maintain some general equilibrium than keep accelerating down that particular bad decline. Still, that is steadily what happens if I keep treating myself so crappily. I don't wanna really think about the mind/body/soul of 43-yr-old Ron very much, at this rate.. it's not a pretty picture.

As I might have mentioned, I am supposed to move onto "the other project" next week, which was supposed to actually have happened this week (and so, I don't know if it's for-sure happening or what). The whole notion is bittersweet, for a few very valid reasons. Anyway change is always a good bit of a headache, so whatever happens, I look forward to getting on with it and moving on with the next stage, whatever that may bring. I fear it usually since it's never "an easy transition" in any of these cases. When I get involved with any kind of project, it completely occupies so many of my waking hours, in many ways - like I said, I cannot exist without having "some stupid shit" to wrap my mind around, but it's usually got some pretty good highs and lows in there.

I went out drinking late last week, I might have mentioned.. I got really drunk, unintentionally but really after all this time I SHOULD GODDAMNED KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT...! I concede, I am an alcoholic, not full-bore but definitely some marked degree. I have been way way better about going out with any frequency/doing dumb shit in general in the past.. well, couple years, really, compared to what I'll call my hayday - but the past few occasions, I have made up for it with some pretty crummy judgement and expensive bartabs. Nothing truly ass-kicking, but enough that should serve as a good warning about "self, get your act together if you don't wanna have some pain-in-the-ass to deal with," which I have a good couple of already lining up to shake muh hands anyway. I don't truly regret such experiences, it's important to get humbled and reminded of ones' limits, fallacy, etc once in awhile, keeps you in check. Even so, good not.. to.. push it.

Anyway the show was fun. I wish I were heading out right now, it's goddamned Wednesday night! I miss the salad days, Man!!!

DEMO CRACK

welcome back to my mind, friends. 1st of all, let me wish a (couple days late) happy bday to my brother, who celebrated that on Friday. He and I are both at the point where we are not too excited to have "another birthday" pass, as it represents a whole lot of crappy things in general (ain't getting any younger!) but in light of what he has been wrestling with, career-wise and all, the past few years - I am sure glad to see he is on a really good path right now, I am very proud of him and glad that things are going more his way now. He took some BS from everyone in that period as well, but he stuck to his guns and did it how he wanted to, and it is working out at last - and that's great!

Also a happy bday to my buddy aaron, we all went out to the bar last night to get the gang together to celebrate. It was good to see everyone, a few faces there who I seldom see (some not for a real long time!) so that's always cool. It was a good time, though I must admit I wasn't really in the mood to be socializing just then, much less getting shittery faceried (I decided to be the DD that night). A bunch of my friends did throw a bunch of drinks down their throats though, and I am sure more than a few of them (who should know better) drove home anyway. Yeah, this is the part where I start proselytizing, but not without good reason, enough people in our group have had a few shitty consequences from that bullshit, just call a cab alright? Whatever, that is how it goes.

Yeah, so my mood is pretty much down in the crapper right about now. I mean, life's not bad, there's a bunch of good things going on overall, lots of things to look forward to as well, but right now some things in life are really kicking my butt - nothing too terrible or life-threatening, not by any stretch of the imagination - but still enough to get my nerves all completely whacked-out and sore. I just need that stuff to settle down. There's some very simple things I have sought in my life for a long time, things which seem like they should be pretty easy to come by - things which seem like almost everyone else I know always have got pretty damned well-patted down. Not EVERYONE I know, but enough of them, that it makes me feel like "well what the hell is wrong with me, what do I have to do to get this part of my life figured out?" The answer, honestly, is pretty easy - do the best you can, the way you know - try to be open-minded, step-up if need be, just don't be brash, don't be stupid. Keep your head up and try to keep the big picture in focus, and don't worry about the shitty little speedbumps, no matter how obnoxious and jarring they are. Okay, this is the part of the journal where I just give myself a pep-talk, don't mind me. The other end of this is, when you go through some shit - especially some cyclical shit - of course it's gonna rattle you, and eventually mold you. Of course it's gonna set you up to act a certain way, and this makes sense too. So if shit is gonna get you down, don't fight it, just wallow, repair, and move on, and no shame in that. I am only human..

I didn't go into the office this weekend. i could have (and in some ways, should have) but honestly I am super-fatigued from work right now, i really need some distance from it. I feel like my career and i are having a little bit of a lover's spat right now-- anyway I will throw myself back into it as soon as the morning gets here, and to be honest I have a mountain of things to tackle this week. In fact I have a huge question mark of mountainous things looming on the horizon, generally. Just keep plowing on...

So we went to Ikea, the particle-board furniture land of good times, a couple of weeks ago. I bought a new chest of drawers, which has sat unassembled in 2 boxes in my apartment - until yesterday. I bought the same make as my existing one, the one which has slowly and steadily been deteriorating (the result of some shoddy construction on my own part, some years ago). Assembled the new guy yesterday, and pulled the Oldie Olson out of the closet, and the old boy finally just completely fell apart in so doing. It felt like a sad metaphor for some things in my life, I have lots of half-assed ghetto-quality things in my employ, across the board - things which function (mostly) as they should, but are pretty close to completely falling into complete, irreparable collapse. It sounds a little dramatic, as usual I exaggerate, but i can certainly think of a good couple instances which this would completely apply to. the point is, I DID get a fresh new start with this new chest of drawers, a pretty stupid and perfunctory part of life of course, but one that is nice and makes that beginning part of the day slightly less of a pain in the neck to deal with. If only everything else was so easily replaceable.

Also at Ikea, I had my eye on a little side-table to put next to my couch - I have been wanting to do this for awhile now, returning there today I found the usually out-of-stock model that interested me was available in the "defects/floor models" area. A lot of that stuff is usually pretty ugly damaged, this one wasn't bad at all (a little nick on the side) and it was half off the usual $70 pricetag as a result, so why not. I grabbed the sucker and brought it home, slid it appropriately beside my couch. Well - it's alright. Though I am glad to have picked it up (and so cheap, as well!) it definitely does not do much to help the decor of my home. Granted my place is pretty slobby generally (that may be a certain girl's fault) but I do take some pride in having at least a sensible and symmetrical layout to the main centerpiece of my apartment home (please use a gay voice when reading that sentence - thanks). Seriously, it's pretty far down the line of importance, but having less clutter and a decent design of one's home does go a long way in helping to maintain a feeling of calm, of order in one's own head. I am quite a hypocrite when I say these things, I know this is true - refer to the whole paragraph above about all my falling-apart ghetto items and such - but it is nice to make an effort, I think, At least, it does make me feel better.

I don't have the cleanest (or messiest, on the other hand) apartment by a longshot, but someday, whenever I truly have my shit together - and this day WILL COME, one of these years!!!! - I would like to spend some money and actually put a decent little pad together. Just a nice space that is comfortable and looks cool and is all well-organized and neat. I am not too far from it, but I have a lot of levels to pass through before I get close. I definitely am not gonna be able to be concerned with this stuff for some.. years...!!

I guess I bring this all up as it sorta resonates in my brain - I am getting close to 34 years old now. I make a decent salary and have a reasonable residence in one of the most sought-after cities in the world. I have a girlfriend, a job, my car runs, there's health insurance. I don't party THAT much (anymore). I kick my ass to do a good job, at least I think so. So then, when will I quit lingering and get to that next level - or am I just due for some horrible cosmic slap in the face to watch it all unravel in one fell swoop? Or is that due just after I "make it," if even? This is life, right? We are always waiting to get to that level, the plateau where we can relax and look down over all we've traversed, and rest on our laurels, as they say (what a stupid saying, where does that shit even come from anyway...) Am I losing my ability to know when I am "there?" Almost 2am. Perhaps it's a good time to think about wrapping up the night, getting ready for bed.

pARSe

hey, happy planes crashing into buildings day. now that would make quite a cake. wait 34 more years and it will be totally in style for our culture to be truly tacky and tasteless about that particular subject (for real, not out of mere irony, i mean).

it is late and i am looking at a small picture of me drunk, somewhere, yelling at someone and pulling a banner off of a wall, or something. things are weird, the past week has been weird, i always say things are always weird (and they generally kind of are, by default) and that makes me not want to state such things anymore, but it's part of my process to revisit and rerevisit it, so i will continue to do so until my hands and eyes no longer function. Speaking of which, did you know that the venerable Roger Ebert has lost the ability to speak for some time now (stroke i think) and yet he continues to review movies, well at least he can still view and write about them.

yeah i too am getting old. one day the front page of Yahoo! will read "Optimus Prime dead, for real." Honestly, wouldn't it have been somewhat remarkable (though sad) if Peter Cullen passed away in 2005? How come 2005 still sounds very much like the far-off future, though it's getting on 3 and a half years ago already?

There's a lot of kerfludgery flopping through my head right now. Tonight I ducked out of working late to have dinner with my girlfriend and her buddy and her buddy's new husband - they actually got married this morning, which is strange, "whats up - WIFE!" Man it is weird to think about that. My girlfriend and I will mention it every now and again, a real sticking point is that she doesn't want to be May Alpert - she jokes that i should take HER last name. Then my name would be Ron Long. Most people consider such a concept to be emasculating, despite the double-standard, but personally I think it would be sort of amazing if my name really were Ron Long. I look at my driver's license and try to picture that. It would be pretty rad.

So I was being, uh.. intimate, shall we say, in that way a man can be with his computer this evening, and I moved my foot and felt a piece of paper fall off of it. How did a paper fall on my foot, my concentration broke long-enough to wonder, and I looked down. The piece of paper turned out to be a cockroach, and he scuttled away as I observed him.

Man, I hate roaches. I have a thing about the creepy-crawlies. I think bugs look super-cool, design wise, but I still have this primal "ewwwww" response to such things, I know they are all over the place and shitting and peeing and spitting on everything everywhere, and shedding pieces of their little antennae and thoraxes, and I don't care so long as I don't see it (out of sight, out of mind). But yeah I don't like to see them near me, or near my food, or ON me. So when I see a fuckin' cockroach clambering off my goddamned naked foot, my first reaction is "all right now that there is pretty fuckin' gross," and the next reaction, immediately following, is "all right now you are gonna fucking die, you abomination of nature!" Now, roaches move pretty fast in my experience. For such a low form of life, they have a pretty hardy hide, a pretty damn smooooooth command of gliding over damn near any terrain, and a pretty good notion of what is the best escape route from any damn situation. I was expecting this dude to get out clean - but something in my brain was especially-designed to seek out and destroy such vermin, NO MATTER THE COST. He matched me as I moved across the carpet, scurrying in parallel with me, hoping to find a crevice, a hole, anything to get back and out and away - he went for the door, I saw a cardboard box and dropped it on his ass. Expecting him to have whizzed away, i picked it up for a peek and saw him still moving, but definitely fazed - the dude was hurting..

He retreated behind the bookcase, between some old AA batteries which had long since fallen behind there - I lifted the heavy bookcase, my girlfriend's long-ignored LSAT study book in my hand, it's large spine eager to smash some bug pelvis. I brought it down hard, with the full back cover squarely landing on the little bugger. Then I smooshed the book with my foot, a good couple of times - then got a paper towel to grab the messy remains, half-expecting the destroyed creature to somehow leap from my clutches and escape down some unseeable hidden passageway. I flushed the poor dude, cleaned up the book, and got back to my porn - case closed. A busy night indeed.

The internet is a messed up place. It is truly the box of pandora, i hate it, i hate it. it gives, I mean it gives us so much - but it also takes away. i wish it would just leave, like right now. I often see things in there that i wish I could unsee, but can't. i am not talking specifically about the usual primal things one's mind may race too (though those are covered as well, i suppose) but the deeper, more dramatic things that can jostle one's mind. We are too small and simple to deal with the juggernaut this has become. I seriously wanna bring my box to the office and leave it there, so there's no connection when I get home. It makes me feel so trapped.

I found a weird website tonight, not sure how/why. I had a bizarre event in my life with a particular person some years ago, and I found this person's website, and it just made my head go a little sideways with "huh? what?" It's like you have that part of your brain which fills in the gaps "oh this probably happened, or that" and then the stupid internet gives you a fucked-up window into the actual reality, but that window is so limited and out-of-context, so you are just as confused before but differently, and in an unsettling fashion. Anyway, whatever. This always happens.

I am getting off my project at work in 2 days. I have been working on this game for 1.5 years, very very intimately, and now it's over. Well it's not over, but she and I are through, and I am instantly going to start seeing someone new, her name is Eileen. I have seen her around a little, and I don't really know if she is my type - initially, I got in with Ape hoping to find a way to get to Eileen, but Ape sort of grew on me in the way that bad relationships do. She devoured me. God, I hate relationships. Well, now Ape has dumped me but strangely Eileen wants to see how I handle. She's got lots of suitors, and I don't imagine she'll notice me much at first - but we will see. Personally, I have had enough with these women. I just wanna sit on the beach all day and be left alone while they enjoy their stupid drama without me.

I see a cricket cruising by on the floor. He's harder to kill, he hops. I am gonna get my laundry out of the dryer and get ready for bed, adios fools.

go die in hell, pigs!!

yum. they just brought some BBQ in for dinner. that was some tasty food right there. sadly when i am eating dinner at work, it means i am in for (ya guessed it) another late night.. i seldom seem to leave this place before midnight, these days. But all i really wanna do anyway is complain about working long hours, alright?

drunk journal entry - well i went out with my buddy last saturday night. I'd not been out in about a month, and i certainly hadn't seen him in a good bit longer than that. We hit a place that was new to me, which he liked - it wasn't bad, just small and uppity. i like the trashier, homier places myself - that's the kind of guy i am. they're friendlier. They have the type of people arond who actually might be interesting to talk to. i guess it goes to say you could find that similar type, easily, at the more classy places, but i guess i kind of have a permanent chip on my shoulder. i have got over it, but it'll always leave kind of a lasting imprint i suppose - so what, it is still fun to go to different places. You just kind of go with your vibe.... Anyway we drank a bit too much and I ended up with one of those bar bills that makes you cough quite sharply when you surprisedly pull it out of your wallet the next day, but as i said - I had not been out partying for quite a long time, so all told I suppose that will even out. Anyway I am not gonna lose sleep over it, besides I have been mega-grinding at the office lately (have I mentioned this?) so I guess I am allowed a little compensation, of sorts...

i am thinking how nice it would be to get out tonight, as well - it being thursday of course - and I am pretty much pushed to my threshold with thinking about business and life and all the usual stuff right now. Escapism is such a sweet, sweet fruit - however, not without it's consequences. Anyway, I might get a fire under my ass to pack it in and screw it and do it, but i very much doubt it. It would make me happy, but... I doubt it.

I don't know how many of my peers actually read this, and of those who I deal with in my day-to-day, but I wanna apologize if i have been excessively assholish lately. I mean, I am never really that much of a pain in the ass, when I am at my worst - I like to think - but I have been told by more than a few people that i can be a good bit of a drag at times. Though I will always say 'who cares what everyone thinks' well now is now different, but if I am kinda being a pill and you have to deal with it on something of a normal basis, then for whatever it is worth, i do apologize. I do mean to try to turn it down, I just need something to help alleviate - take the edge of. God, I would make such a good stoner, right? Oh well, too late.

The state of affairs in the political world have got me good and riled right about now. I am watching it from the sidelines, feeling a distinctive mixture of fascination and disgust. Seriously, I have such shame that people can be so blind and stupid - I guess it all makes sense, we are still pretty early on in our cultural history, coupled with the fact that there's always gonna be a gulf between the smart, rich minority and the expanses of idiots. As usual I will lay it down that "people are not genuinely stupid, they have so much potential" but the system does a wonderful job of keeping EVERYONE down, and it does so for it's own sustenance. That's the model, and for our society to continue to work this way it must be steadfastly adhered to. It's alright though I like to sit here at my desk and pretend I am a smart fella with valid opinions on all these things, at the end of the day I am still kicking my ass (quite heartily) only to make other people, who don't even SEE or KNOW me, slightly more rich while they sit back and shoot golf balls into little holes. If I could break my program, I sure would - I would run away - but the best I can do is try to erode it, while simultaneously becoming more set in my ways "as the cement continues to harden." Don't you just love equilibrium?

So yeah, these upcoming election debates and further process will certainly be interesting to watch. It's exploding with kind of a cartoony amount of drama. i have some stuff to say about it, but for now, i will be gettin' back to work...

dave sprouts

and so, another labor day weekend fades away, gore gore gloriously into nonexistence as from whence it crept. And me, being myself, spent it like i have so many other labor days, in the throes of actual labor, toiling away in the mines, for reasons not good enough to list anywhere, but such is what i do, and so it is, and that is then good, and so on, and so forth.

it is crawling up to midnight soon, and i am a little beat - i am still at the office, my editor has jsut crashed again, so i will load it up once more and finagle with my scene just a little longer before saving the business and packing it in to head home for some precious (although brief) hours of shuteye - before hauling ass back to the freeway once again for another day of the battling what i called THIS EVERLOVING LIFE, PRAISE Th" LORD. AND HE SNAPPED HIS FINGERS AND MY COMPUTER CRASHED, AND IT WAS GOOD. AND THE ANGELS SANG AND THE DRUNKS VOMITED ON THEIR GIRLFRIENDS AND HE WAS PLEASED. AND THE DEVILS DANCED AND THE TEXTURE ARTISTS CRIED INTO THEIR TOILETS AND SHRUBS AND THE LORD OUR GOD ALMIGHTY LAUGHED HEARTILY AND BELCHED HORRIFICALLY AND UNDID ALL THAT HE HAD PREVIOUSLY DONE AND MY CAR TURNED INTO A SLINGSHOT AND FLUNG ME UNTO A GIANT FIERCY CHASM (for real) FROM WHICH I'D NEVER RETURN, AND IT WAS.. GREAT. The end.

Meanwhile, religious prepostering aside, I notice the news in the world is all crazy lately. I think the yahooligans who staff yahoo news are on some kind of wonderfully interesting drugs, because in the past few hours I have read about Republican National Convention Riots and men trying to cut their arms off in Denny's'es and a whole bunch of other craziness. And how about the new broiling political scandaliciousness, I can't wait to chew on that for a little while. But then, I wanna wrap up and go home, so - it will have to wait.

the strangenesses of it all, right Don?

1792 - 08-26-08 - Charles T Weil - Sept 08 Rent - 1235
1793 - 08-26-08 - CHASE Card Services - 200
1794 - 08-26-08 - The Gas Company - 12.31
1795 - 08-26-08 - The Gas Company - 23.72
1796 - 08-26-08 - AT+T - 61.87
1797 - 08-26-08 - LA DWP - 105.96
1798 - 08-26-08 - Robert Moreno Insurance Services - 100
1799 - 08-26-08 - HSBC - 100

-----------------------------

--(The following are a couple of emails I found saved on a CDRom from 8 and a half years ago: Not sure who they were written to, but it probably does not matter. Dated January 2000)--


Life's going well. Still working at Sierra, as I mentioned, making video games for all the Nerds of the World. Fortunately, nerds seem to have some $ so our company is doing decent, and I remain employed here! So much for a 'trendy' job. Anyway, despite it all I am sick of this place, feel I have peaked long since last summer and am more than ready to move on. Other office in Boston, or out west, or ???? Time will tell, and hopefully soon. I've began scouting around on the net and through connections for different employment, one where I feel I can be more creative and um HAPPY, as this place has been gettin' on my nerves a bit lately. I reallly enjoy hanging out with the people I work with, a great bunch 'a folks, so it kinda stinks in that regard, but you gotta prioritize I guess. Anyway I am trying to work on my portfolio in my free time, which is very important to getting a better job - show off what I can do, creatively, etc. OK ENOUGH 'A THE BORING STUFF...

I've been living in Brookline for a bit over a year now, nice place and real convenient - hell I LOVE living in the city. Lots to do, plenty of places to hang out. You know how it is. My girlfriend's in Watertown, not too far away so it is convenient too (if you recall, we used to share an ap't in Waltham together briefly, until things kinda blew up.. needless to say they got fixed up a bit.) As for our future, well I love Sarah a lot, we've been dating just about 3 years - creepy! And it is still very fun. Marriage still sounds kind of scary to me right now though, especially since I'm still figuring things out career-wise, you know. One thing at a time.

Hummm what else... uh, guess that's the majority of it. Been drinking too much beer lately (drown my sorrows), who cares it's only my liver. Anyway I enjoy going out to the bars with my friends, a necessary evil I suppose. Just as logn as the dreaded Beer Gut doesn't show up... Or the dreaded Broke Wallet, which also loves to bite me in the ass (is that a pun or something??) time and again...

Parents are ok, getting stranger with age, we get along well but it is often hard to relate as you may know (sighhhhh). No problem, it's not hard to deal with and often sort of amusing, but not really in a good way. BUT WHAT CAN Y'DO...

Neal's still in school, journalism major, hanging out with his stoner friends and trying to get into a band or something - that kid is a guitar ace, born 20 years too late unfortunately. He'll be done in the Spring, flung into which direction I do not know.

Well I guess that'll do for now, Sarah just got back from a business trip so I am off to her place to make some dinner (fondue, yummmm.. yes it's just like the '70's all over again!!)

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

how's things - haven't heard from you in ages! I hope your job/life are treating you well..

Things are okay over here. REAL busy. Always pretty busy, but lately EXCEPTIONALLY so... and I am real sick of this place. It's way past time to move on.. I am trying. hoping to get a web page up in a months' time with a bunch of stills on it, maybe a video clip or two. I see lots and lots of job postings on the web, and I'm really eager to bite. I hope that I get another shot!

Looking local, but my ideal situation is to get hooked up with a job in Europe. Not so much for the job itself, but for the experience - I've never been over there, and it would be great to just go somewhere completely different for a change. Even if it wasn't the best job for my career (so long as it was still relevant - and enjoyable - of course!) I would be game. Just want a change you know, before I wake up someday and notice that I'm married with kids and crap, "where did my life/youth go" sort of thing.

This place is stale. I hate to leave in a way, it's like breaking apart from your family sort of. A lot of good friends here. But, it's just getting me nowhere career-wise, and I've kind of plateaued - don't feel like I have much more to gain by staying here, $$-wise or technically. Not too interested in the products either. Bitch bitch bitch, whine bitch moan. Don't worry about me, though, I am optimistic - there looks like a lot out there. I hope my 2 year's experience and reasonably solid (cough cough - "unspectacular") portfolio are enough to get me a decent job somewhere else. Wish me luck!! And Happy New Year...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

--(This one's called "letter to Evan," written to my former roomate from College - he was in the peace corps in Kenya at the time, and we were super-out-of-touch. This was written a week before I decided to quit my job and move to Los Angeles, February 2000)--

Aaaggh. hello Evan. i just typed a really long and involved email messgae to you, and it crashed. Hope you're @#$*&@#'n happy. It was like 20 minutes long. Then poof, all gone. i wonder how many species died within that period of wasted time..
Anyway, my enthusiasm for lengthy communicationhas been shot, so I will keep this short (probably make you happier anyway!) Thinsg are okay, still fed up with work, looking to try to get out. Housemates have both been laid off last week, they worked at a similar company. They are heading out to LA probably, which is sort of my dream. I am trying to see if I can ride their coattalis and hook up with a job at one of the big studious doing some grunt work or SOMETHING.. for the resume.I don't know, it's so hard and such a pain in the ass to pick one's life up, seeing how Sarah and I have opposing views about moving htat seem to switch polarities every 3 months or so (funny huh?) anyway, given the chance, I'd go in a second, that's the state of mind I've been in for awhile now.. screw it all. I'm ready to go. We'll see what happens with the roomate thing. Anyway, working pretty damn hard (remniscient of those school days, quite a bit!!)
So Jon, Dave and I just turned 25 about a week ago. We got together and hung out at a bar. Also, I got superdrunk with some British Nannies (friends of some friends) and startign making a genuine ass out of my self, much to their amusement (go figure!), but it was all in good fun and the only one who's the worse for it is me, I suppose.. ha ha ha. Oh, British Nannies. Abuse my baby. (don't mention taht one to Sarah okay??? I know how much you guys talk, anyway..)
Scott MacGillivray's Bachelour Party is the next big thing coming up, I guess.. he lives in Florida now, we're flying him up here for some gambling (in CT) and Nudies (in RI) -- God bless America. that's in two weeks, then at the end of March I have to fly out to Ohio with Dante for the wedding (I'm the best man).. Everyone else from around here, pretty much, is skipping out on it (for obvious reasons!).. Oh well.
Sarah got me a ticket to go to France with ehr (she's on a business trip the week before my flight) -- my first trip to Europe, you BET I'm a bit apprehensive about it. Anyway, should be fun and weird. I don't know a lick of French though... yes, REAL interesting (gulp!) Ah, me head's pounding... long day of work, hate them Monday's. Just finished up the days' work, had a few minutes before I was off to meet Joe Rose and his friends for some Buffalo Wings in Waltham, so I thought I'd give you an email. Like usual, the idea to do so was brought on by a dream, you came back for a visit and had really longhair - styled like a member of the Jackson Five for their Reunion Tour in the mid-eighties, or soemthing (yeah, I know.. whatever Ron!) Quite a few REALLY WEIRD dreams lately...
Neal's graduating in the spring, it's getting to be so that there will be no more reasons to go back to Amherst and chill out no' mo'.. Oh well. Although if you EVER do manage to find your way back to this state/country (while I am here, anyways..), I promise to toss you into my car and drive you up there and force you to suffer some Dining Commons indignities with me, one last time. (you know you want to!!) Sniff sniff... hell YES I miss the good old days!!! Ah, well.
Okay Evan. I'm taking off. The evening beckons. As always, I wish you well and hope that you are managing okay. Although you never ANSWER me you bastard, if you tell me if you got the last package I sent you (a little comic called "Parasyte") I will gladly send you more. Also, do you prefer written mail or email? Please answer! ANSWER! YEEEE!!!!

okay, so long..

- Ron

upcoming shows

trans am - 31 Aug 08 Echoplex LA, CA
rival schools - Oct 9 2008 The Echo California
juno reactor - The El Rey Theatre, LOS ANGELES Sep 25 2008
toadies - 09/11 - Los Angeles, CA - Roxy

oh for the love of pies

life is a blur of work and driving to/from work these days.
deadlines are approaching fast. there's tons to do. my assis getting sore from sitting on it for too long. i listen to way too many old episodes of loveline back to back, i think it is disturbing my world-view. my posture is getting worse and my center of gravity is sinking. i need salvation - who will put up with me??

i miss non-fast-food...

you love blizzard right?

i don't. i want my tree test again.
short news for a moment, in my nerdierier blog - i downloaded Bionic Commando Rearmed, the graphic/gameplay update of the ol' Capcom game from the days of yore. I played with it for a few minutes, after drooling at the trailers back when they were released. game's gorgeous, and it "feels" right - and sounds very cool - but you know what, setting back into those boots made me wish I was just playing the old original version! Kinda the same feeling i got after playing Contra:Shattered Soldier back on PS2 some several years ago, "this is nice and all, but I don't NEED it" - especially not when it was so perfectly nailed back in it's original incarnation. Still, it is a budget release (10 bucks!) and for the money you pay for it, it is more than worth it. Obviously the thing's an overblown promo piece for the real-deal update coming out later, and I hope it does well. Sounds like it is, already! Capcom is making some crazy waves these days, i gotta hand it to 'em. The 1942 upgrade was also fun to play, that might be worth picking up as well - nice retro feeling, cool FX. Commando upgrade is by far my least favorite, it -does- feel like Mercs, kinda, but it also feels a little less loved than these other titles. I played the demo and had enough..

I downloaded braid, after hearing much hemming ad hawing over the thing on podcasts. Initially, as I wasn;t so much in the mood, "this feels kinda draggy..." and if I'd not heard so much word-of-mouth over it, I would've never even checked it out at all (come on, "braid?") The game is cool, and the few minutes I spent with the demo have got me thinking "this is actually a pretty cool little puzzle game," if my time lightens up soon I will possibly just get the whole thing. Nice job!

I know, I am supposed to be talking about game and watch.. maybe later. I am just sad for the forgotten/never-minded fathers of videogames...

i hate this industry!

yeah, i am referring to the latest Activision Blizzard news. Does anyone else feel a chill go down their spine when they hear that name? I am not disrespecting either company, or the new combined entity, mind you - obviously, very successful, hugely hugely popular companies with remarkable earnings between all of their properties. Yet it is unfortunate to hear of what happens post-merger, specifically with a lot of the relative second and third rate companies under their collective umbrella, their future plans, their staffing situations - none of this was unprecedented of course, though it seems kind of harsh how surgically and coldly it is being carried out. It's one thing to kick out the cobwebs when you're dealing with bottom-feeder appendages of a larger company, but when you are dealing with interesting properties (ghostbusters, tim schafer's brutal legend) and pretty well-established dev's (radical entertainment) it feels a little like a slap in the face. It's really true, you are only as good as your last hit. It makes me think with a chill about some things from my own past, and again a little more nervously about the potential of the future.

I have gone on about these things before, either in blog form or merely conversationally, at length - we all want to get "bought out," we want to be at the studio when they get picked up for real by a publisher. It's only win-win for everyone - well, it was, not so much anymore. Now it seems rather than getting that cash windfall, you might get squat - and more than that, your job is now under a much
pickier microscope, there's more suits concerned with "eliminating redundancies." Truly, to reap the benefits of selling out, YOU had better be doing the actual selling firsthand, if you wanna make out - and let your subordinates hope for the best as they scramble for the crumbs.

As usual, the model is all over the place, and it's hard to say who wins or loses in all of this, in the big picture - what lessons can be learned and "what is the battle plan" to survive as a grunt-level employee as the giant metamorphosis continues to take place in the bizarre and fascinating creature known as the game industry. Every day I hear more and more news which startles and tantalizes me, also which makes me wanna kick myself "ooops DAMN i have missed my chance!" There's always chance, infinite chance - but one must be able to balance their own business, whatever form it may be in, on top of an already-demanding day job, and whatever other social life and obligations there are as well.

Work is progressing on the project. I am putting in a lot of heavy hours these days, a lot of late nights, a lot of weekends. I am sad to say my productivity is a little draggy as I am feeling the burn - it's been a long project and I am feeling the wear and tear of next-generation asset production (it's still "next generation" until a few solid seasons of working to this specification have passed, alright!) Everything looks so much nicer and tighter than ever before, our engine is quite capable and powerful, but damn if only we had.. like.. 5 years!! Whew. I do look forward to wrappin gthis game up and giving my portfolio a much-needed overhaul, i will certainly have a higher grade of stuff to flaunt, for the first time in too long!

Not much gaming lately. I downloaded the Too Human demo, haven't touched it yet. Last night I downloaded a demo of a game called Braid as well, I plan to fire it up after i finish typing this - also picked up Outrun 2 for Xbox, and NO haven't touched that business either. Man - I just wish I had a solid day, errr entire weekend, left completely by myself with nothing to do, just sit back and drink some beers and play some games. That actually sounds rater nice.

Okay my girlfriend is making annoying noises to let me know she is hungry, so no Braid for me right now - but never fear, I will be back shortly to discuss a little thing they call Game & Watch.

shut up just put up

screw august and screw you. why must it be august? you know i have never really liked this month. and now, in my old age, where time doesnt matter so much anymore, i have no reason but nostalgia for my despising of the month of august. not so much a BAD month, really, but it signifies the coming of the end of summer, which (when i was young) was just a morbid thing really. going back to school, well, sucked.

except college. those were good times. i even had my own tree named after me. i can't wait to die and go to college, forever!

anyway, my girlfriend is perched on the couch practicing for the LSATS so i am gonna stop typing so as not to disturb her too much more. i guess i will play some video games, for reference anyway...

ignore yourselves!!

Greetings from the front lines!!! It is Sunday evening, just about 7pm, and I am watching the last vestiges of the weekend wither away and give into the harkenings of, yes, another week upon us. This weekend I spent much time here in the office - playing some catch-up still,due to my vacation (yeah, it's been a month now) and my tempo has been somewhat reduced which doesn't help things, but ohhhh, ohhh, what are you gonna do. Anyway I need to save off some files for my fellow level artist who shares this particular level with me,and I wouldn't wanna disappoint - further hindering things is the fact that I have to show up for jury duty tomorrow and fulfill a civic responsibility, oh golly gee, oh greatest day! Well, I don' look on such things as much more than a drag, really, as there's work to do and I don't much fancy propping up in a stifling courtroom full of hooligans downtown during the heat of the day - so hopefully I will be able to get in and out in a jif. Sigh, if the gods should be so merciful.

Working on the weekend is nonetheless a drag as well, as it should be the "me time," instead of "their my time" - but again, a necessary evil. I am getting quite burned out on the concept as I have been sacrificing for I-don't-know-how-many-years, as of yet, and that's not too good- but I have my eyes steadfast on the prize, and keen that someday, the payoff will be there. It's been 11 years nearly, and I am still scrapin' on by - things aren't bad, but life and all it's trimmings are certainly expensive, so a little compensation would be a nice thing. It's not too much to ask, is it? Well, no expectations ever, really, but I will see what pans out - someday, somewhere. It's up to me ultimately, I suppose.

I am sitting here at my desk, managing the meshes, cranking the fan, listening to whatever I can stomach on the winamp. I like to listen to repeats of Loveline while I work, surely I have mentioned this before. During the week I will pipe it through my headphones, but as the office is nearly empty on the late hours and weekends, I like to give my aural canals a little relief and just plug into the little tinny-ass speaker on my desk instead. This isn't bad, but I get a little redfaced when people start walking by as the speaker s going on about "I have trouble getting an orgasm while my boyfriend sloppily goes down on me!" So I will close the door or switch the channel. No joke, some poor schlub walked through the office with his goddamned extended family today as the speaker was booming "do some fishing, beat off, go dockside to watchthe sunset, have at myself vigorously, etc etc" I guess if you don't know the show than I sound like some sort of reprobate - well you can think of me as you like, faceless reader, that stuff helps me get through the hours alright? And there's many of them.


I hate closing the door in this room, it's quite poorly ventilated and already hot and uncomfortable in here, which is almost a nice change from my opposing usual set-up (wearing winter jacket no matter what time of the year it is, as game companies LoooOOoove to blast the AC all hours of the day and I feel like a popsicle!) The latest thing which makes me insane is the designer who works in the room next to mine, he likewise has taken to coming into the office during the less-populated hours to do - well, whatever it is in god's name he does in there (working? world of warcraft? far be it from me to satisfy that curiosity). The dude sits in there and (kindly) plugs in his headphones, for which I am grateful enough, but as his officemates are nowhere to be found in the weekend hours, the guy LOVES ot hum along to his music. He hums damned loud, I tell you. It's annoying - and I do seem to be developing my nice share of neuroloigical disorders at this point in the game, it makes my crotch tighten up and my brow get all furrowed. I wanna yell to the hapless guy SHUTTTT UPPPP DAMMMMN YOU but of course he is minding his own business, who am I to ruin the party...

anyway that's what runs through a guy's head over the weekend in the office. If you'll pardon me, I have some bits of work to wrap up so I can get myself 45 miles outta here and back to my sweet, sweet bed for some precious shuteye, at some point. Mercy!

secret detections

what's up, you foul-smelling hooligans. You yahooligans. ya-Tool-igans.
It is Tuesday night, and I sit at my desk in my office and fart and only add to the warm stuffiness of the room. It's a hoot I tell ya, a hoot anna half! I was hoping to go see a concert tonight but as I am a bit under the weather the past couple of days, decided to skip it and just take it sleazy. That sucks 'cause I hardly ever go to concerts anymore (well, for bands I actually intend to see) but I suppose I have seen my share.

Things are alright. Like I said, I feel a little yeccchy, nothing debilitating but still enough to want to crawl onto my couch and be left alone by the outside world and the weight of responsibilities and all of that, but hey - too bad! The show must go on. I am super-swamped with work right now, that's going alright but I must admit feeling a good deal of burned out right at the moment. Making stuff gets tiring. I will never give it up, but I could use some kind of a breather (a non-job-losing breather, I mean). I am not sure what my schedule has in store for me, what with wrapping up this project and segueing into the next - so I will just take it in stride, as I often do. Of course my salvation had always been retreating into the more insane and active parts of my personality, but these days I am trying to curtail that madness and just phase through this all. Get some time down, get some bills paid.

My mood is alright. I feel --- cramped lately. I feel like I am getting a little older, like things that would normally not bother me are more easily getting under my skin. I am not sure why this is, nerve damage maybe? Also I just feel like I have this noticeable split with "my inner dialogue" a lot more than I had in the past, it has been germinating the past couple of years - ebbs and flows - but sometimes it swings kind of wildly. I never want to second-guess my decisions, I still want to live for the moment - but I am doing things contrary to both of those. It feels like I am wasting time, or aiming in the wrong direction - fighting my instincts. This usually all comes down to my chaos urge battling my order urge, and I guess many people have those same conflicts. Damn logic.

Yeah, everything feels a little weirdo right now. Living here (and working here) has all had some marked effect on me, and I wonder what ten more years of this would mean. I wonder if it'll get that far... Anyway once in awhile I get these little flashes of this despair, just like being stuck. It all chunks up and I feel like I don't have any freedom for anything, I just have to keep going through the same motions, between everything i do - what I eat, conversations I have, places I go - it's all the same, redundant. Yeah, familiarity and patterns are all well and good, but I feel like such a limited simpleton in some ways that it makes me feel like (noted above) WASTING MY TIME...

I need something to kick my ass back into gear, something to inspire me and draw me out of the funk. It's all around me, it's looking all around, I need to find my eyes again.

apparently, this videogame will help me to lose weight

yeah, i finally found a wii fit in stock at Best Buy a few weeks ago. I picked one up since my girlfriend'd been hounding me about it for ages - I wanted to buy one for my folks as well, but I think I will do that on Amazon rather than ship the damned heavy thing myself. Anyway I picked her up from her return flight from China a week ago, she'd been awake nearly the whole flight - when we got to the apartment, she immediately set it up and began jumping around and playing with the thing (I was amazed, I thought she would be completely destroyed from the traveling!) Sure enough, she bonked out after that - it was a funny scene though. I have yet to try the thing, I did the "ball dropping game" for one moment. I wanna get in the habit of using it though, my girth could stand it. Urp.

So not much else to say about games right now. I am playing Mass Effect and Gears of War, but I haven't touched either in over a month (nor have I got very far with either). I just haven't time to cool out in front of the tube right now! More than that, I am just not feeling the need right now either. If anything, playing a bit on my GP32 during the trip - I got sucked up into Rolling Thunder 2 (Sega Genesis) during the flight over there. Good way to kill time, started sort of clumsy and dull (and such had my memory of it always been) but playing through it got enjoyable. I might pick it back up - I believe there's a third as well, eh? Also I played the old Mario Tennis GBC game for a little while. Well-fleshed-out, but man - sports as RPG is sort of hilarious in a uniquely boring way. Make it more risque. Something (it's a kiddie game, I know).

E3 just came and went. Yawn! I don't remember the last time I cared so little. I have barely scratched the surface of going over the show coverage, but really it sounds like there really wasn't much to get excited about across the board. Yeah, of course there was a lot of good looking things to show off, but nothing that smacked people across the face. I guess that's a side-effect of removing the grandeur from gaming's biggest party. E3 now is more like a sad fart. Tough times. At least they brought it back to the LACC. Whatever, I am getting too old for that outright madness when it's on full-tilt-assault mode anyway, or something. To make up (well, more like "coincidentally") I found my way to Vegas last weekend, once again. There's enough madness out there instead, anyway.

Game's going alright. I am working pretty hard, late late nights. Sigh, it's nearly 11PM and I am at the office and it is SATURDAY NIGHT!! I can't wait to get home and collapse on the couch - make that the bed, really. It's a full weekend of crunching for me, and a long week ahead to boot. I need a drink....

..too bad..

watch you on the universe!

Zee blog, zee blog - man. I don't feel much like typing, but times have been juicy, and so i must capture them.

Getting used to being back to normalcy, or mostly that- my girlfriend has been outta town, so I have been living the bachelor lifestyle (well, sitting in my quiet apartment). Actually I have been meaning to go out and party more, for the reason that I don't like to do that too much when she's around - she doesn't give me a tough time about it, but personally I don't like showing up at home at the end of the night in an altered state, and making her deal with it. Not that she even complains about it even, and not that I am some overbearing burdensome drunk or something, but I expect it must be quite a drag. I'll put it this way, when I am sober and others are drunk, it's pretty uncomfortable for ME. Anyway if she's outta town, it's a good excuse for me to get it out of my system then. Last week I didn't do anything all week, as I was still pretty beat down due to adjustment (jet lag and all). I did go out friday night, there was a skating event with free whiskey and then we went dancing after. The whiskey did it's job a bit well and I can't say I remember the dancing part..

Saturday was alright, I ran around town picking up stuff for an impromptu mini-BBQ at my place. We'd had a party last month for May's graduation and there was a ton of booze leftover in my fridge to kill, so I called up some buddies and shelled out for a little korean marinated meat and threw that stuff on the grill, and of course we played some videogames (boom blox is the current party favorite). The night went late, of course it was an extremely mellow party (which was fine!) - a sign that we're all getting older, I suppose.

Sunday wasn't much to speak of. My "first day of nothing to do," really. I ran some errands, ate a philly cheesesteak, picked up my apartment, did some laundry. Spent a lot of time yakking on the phone. Sounds kinda pointless to mention this in here, but it was really my "back to nothing to do" day and as such it was NICE. I didn't get some of the extra maintainence-y things done that I'd've liked....

So yesterday, Monday, it was the crazy day. A buddy of mine accepted a job out of town, so we were gonna have a little send-off for him in Little Tokyo (somewhere I've not really partied before). Exhausted, as it was Monday and I'd not really slept too well all weekend, and hey - it WAS Monday! But hell, you gotta do what you gotta. I jetted home after work and stopped by my favorite schwaerma place to get a sandwich before heading out. Waiting in line and I noticed a woman picking up her food in front of me. Wh..is that? Holy crap, that looks like my ex-girlfriend - who I have not seen, or spoken to, at ALL, in nearly 5 years! I didn't wanna be all weird and just gawk, so I kind of checked it out in the reflection of the window. Yeah, it had been awhile, but it's hard to forget someone you'd dated for a couple of years, lived with, etc. I picked up my food and headed out, looking through the window as I started up my car. It was definitely her, with (I assume) her husband and their kid. Now this was just very weird to me - it was like looking at "what might have been" had things played out differently, like it would be US sitting there with OUR kid. But really it just felt like I didn't belong there, I didn't feel some remorse about it or anything. The weird thing is that I had heard she moved to the east coast some time ago, maybe they were in town for a visit, who knows. This particular restaurant was a favorite of hers (and certainly a favorite of mine!), and was actually quite close to her old house..

As I am sitting watching through the window, I back my car up out of the spot. My parking spot was kind of dubious, unfortunately, and as I am backing up KERRRANG!!! I nearly ripped my poor sideview mirror off the driver's side door (the one I JUST FREAKIN' REPLACED). GAH! Here I am trying to be inconspicuous, I certainly don't wanna be drawing attention to myself now of all times, that sick shitty feeling in my stomach "oh man do I have to replace this expensive shit again?? I just want to LEAVE!" I pull forward and my car, still getting out of this dubious spot, kind of plunks down over the curb, making another loud (and very bad-sounding scraping sound) and I just sort of drag my way out of there "please don't be causing expensive damage!! Fucking car!" Man, it was making me feel all shook up, and at the same time it felt HILARIOUS. Like a scene from a stupid Jim Carrey movie or something. Anyway I scraped outta there without any further incident, got home at and showered and got duded up to go out.

The night was long. It was really weird too, following the already-bizarre setup. Little Tokyo has never been my favorite place, it's really tiny and not very interesting or colorful - just sort of beat up and (dare I say it) slightly pathetic-looking. I mean, if it was a different ethnicity it would be bad enough, but this is freaking TOKYO! It's SUPPOSED to be superkickass! Anyway there are some redeeming things there, some good joints to eat at, I think it just brushes a little close ot some of the gnarlier parts of downtown to ruin it's vibe. Anyway I caught an expensive cab over there (sigh, but what're ya gonna do?) and met up with my small gang of friends. Everybody was pretty loaded by the time I showed up (past 11 in the evening), I threw down a couple of whiskeys to try and catch up - why buck a trend, right? That shit goes down tasting like furniture polish at first, but gets smoother once you follow it a little..

We ended up at a little karaoke-type place up the street. It was pretty dead except for our crew.. I was having a good time, enjoying my buzz and talking with friends, it was alright. Sure enough, a Monday night in LA, and weird shit is bound to go down. I got coerced to go outside on the patio with the others, my friends were hanging out with some hot but extremely slutty looking girls who were evidently very trashed, and talking like it - I mean, cussing up a storm. I don't mind the cussing, but it's a little funny when it's hit-you-over-the-head, especially from the "demure princesses." THese chicks are talking with my buddies, and this real ancient looking Japanese guy, real small, I mean he looked like a caricature of what a little cartoony old asian guy would look like. I think he was bombed as well, arms drapped over my friends, talking in broken english and the guys and chicks were sort of making fun of him, all in good fun though - he was diggin' it. I think he was the dad of one of the owners or something, not sure. Anyway one of the sluts pulls out a pipe and starts loading it up with some green shit, are you kidding me? Man, I gotta give Little Tokyo more credit, this place is lawless. They start hitting that shit, it was kinda giving me the willies "are they gonna call the cops, can you do this? It's not the goddamned 1970s!" Meanwhile the maitre'D is inside watching us, looking very displeased, walking back and forth and crossing and uncrossing his arms, I don't blame the dude. I decided to remove myself from the scene of the crime and go back in to wrap up my drink, last call has come and gone. Back inside, I notice there's a bunch of real drunk-drunk Japanese chicks kinda cavorting with everybody, one of my friends was thinking they were whores - I dunno - it's hard to tell in those situations, I am innocent alright? (right?) Anyway the barkeep took care of us and served us a couple late-night drinks (that never happens) and then we wrapped up and headed out, bade the sluts and whores farewell for the night - yes, it was all very wholesome, I know.

The leftovers of our crew headed out to Denny's, for what turned out to be the weirdest experience I've had in a Denny's in my life, honestly. I won't get into it at the moment, you will have to ask me about that one in person! Finally ended up getting home and knocking out close to four a.m., forgot to turn my cellphone alarm from vibrate to buzz - somehow, miraculously, just the vibration noise woke me up from my precious few hours of slumber. Made it to work, belly a little funny but overall I was able to hang in and do m'business.

Yup, another crazy godforsaken night in the city..

broke toast

wow, hard to consider the fact that I have been back home nearly a week now from my trip. My head is still spinning from everything, my system is still adjusting to "getting back to the normal routine." It's actually been a kind of depressing thing to go through all of that hectic excitement and then plunk back into the same, normal life from before. I think i just want to do something different, is the problem..

I have been feeling kind of gross since the trip home, just kind of out of it - kind of like an old man or something. A few things I won't go into, I talked enough about it last time, but it's been staying with me a bit (though getting back to normal as they days pass, fortunately). I was hoping to get home and sort of launch into a period of just living wild a little, or something, but instead I feel like I must (still) bury myself with work and be a good boy. Sigh..

Yeah, I am pretty sick of working. I do (and always will) enjoy what I do, ad I am always thankful for my job and all, but damn I have been doing this getting on ten years now (not very long, admittedly) and I feel like I am always just sort of scraping by. I feel like I am specialized for something very particular, but instead I have to make do with this big compromise. I guess a lot of people feel that way - to make it big, you've really got to go out on a limb, and I sure do see plenty of opportunities for that. I am just getting older and tired of those prospects. I want to kick back and get repaid some dues. i don't actually expect that, honestly, but that's the feeling i have in my bones.

Whatever, I periodically whine about such things, this is no news. I guess when I have weird times of my life such as this, wen I break from my routine for a little, it makes it hard not to put it under a magnifying glass as I have just stepped out of it for a brief moment. I am an analytical guy, I think about the choices I have made and the path I have chosen to follow (for a long time now) and the things which have all led me here, and I have this feeling of unfulfillment that just eats at me. I drive to work feeling like "well what else am I gonna do?" I guess I should consider myself really lucky, my personality is such that I can always find that thing in my work to lose myself in, rather than dwell on this to the point where I become unproductive.

It's not helped either by the things I have read lately. All these little things add up - I am glad they do, because it reminds me that there's still this strong energy in me looking for a way to get expressed, even though it's kind of infuriating to not feel like it is getting aimed properly.

Something I realize which bothers me, is I have really come full circle with my life, my personality in a lot of ways. I feel like i have lost my crowd, my place, in my day-to-day life. I am not any longer "where I belong," or rather, I have forgotten how to make that happen. I have had some periods of my life where that was all figured out, and of course I took it for granted (as people do) but it generally filled me with some proper happiness, even if other things in my life weren't quite so well-lined-up. I feel like it's gone now, in so many respects in my life - it makes me feel cut off, distant, something. Since I was quite a loner growing up, it's kind of a natural place for me to be, and so I can handle it - but I do like to think that someday in the future I could realize how to realign my life that way. It's not something you can plan, exactly, it's something that you find, maybe you are naturally drawn to it - or maybe I am just naturally best at operating on my own, in this way, and that's why I have got here.

The future is odd, a lot of things are kind of up in the air right now. I feel like about a year and a half ago, it had occurred to me that the only way to jar it would be to pack up and start fresh, but that seemed like an extreme measure that I should "know better" than to thrust myself into. The thought of escape is always tempting, but then the notion of stability (though it was always so elusive) seems like the more mature thing to focus on in these times - I already know I will stick with it, but it makes me feel torn more often than I like.

I am glad for these times, these experiences - it is frustrating in that it shakes up my foundations, and can generally put some extra stress on my philosophies "why I do what I do, what's the point" (adding to the everyday stress I already manage) but te thing about being an adult, te important thing, is having your choices and the freedom to do what you will with them, with only yourself to answer to at the end of the day. I guess I feel like I am doing a pretty good job, then.

DATELINE:No more datelines. Back in Los Angeles.

Ok so .. now we wrap up the trip real nice and quick. Because it is very late and i actually haven't slept at all in way over 24 hours.

So let's see. Thursday, I believe, was the second day of our trip in Dong Xing. A bit mellower than the first, it was a hot-gross-hot day. We got up for breakfast of Dim Sum generously paid for by her friends, then we scooted around town with one of them - he owns a store and is one of the "successful guys" of their group. We saw his store being constructed, their town seems to be all about doing lots of retail business with folks from neighboring Vietnam, I believe. They drove us to the beginning of china's highway, which runs up and down the coast - it actually originates right in their town there, by the water, as marked by a one hundred year old plaque put their by the Dynasty in power at the time (Qing?) It was interesting, but so hot and so bright that we were eager to pile back into the car and find some shelter.

Later that day we visited May's old Grandfather, an super old guy who's hard of hearing AND seeing. It was sad, just a little old guy who sits up alone in his room all day! He is cared for by May's family though, which is good. He still has his wits about him, he was a very smart guy - used to be a Principle of a school, I believe. He could remember some English even after not having thought of it for God Knows how many years... His apartment was incredible, I didn't wanna feel rude and take pictures so I just had to try and snap it with my mind. It's not what one would cal luxurious or something like that, but it eked character in that way only very old people's homes can. Very real and very remniscient of a time long since passed. You look out his window and see all the buildings towering over the neighborhoods, the cranes and construction in the distance, and you get the sense that this guy remembers a very different view from a very different world, from the dame vantage point. He had a big picture of himself from.. geez, he must have been in his twenties, thirties, he looked very dapper, handsome young chinese go-getter...

For dinner we at with May's Brother's inlaws. They were very generous to invite us to their home for dinner - I was impressed by their apartment! It's very weird, the way these neighborhoods are setup. Everyone just lives in these up-and down apartments, I am sure there must be some specific name for it. You walk in, remove your shows in this tight corridor, there are a few motorscooters parked right there (indoors) to protect from theft. You walk upstairs... a lounge. Up another level - someone's bedroom. A couple more levels of bedrooms. At the top is the toilet, balcony, and kitchen, So like 6 or seven flights of this continuously tight ascension. It is definitely cool, but strange after what I am used to! Anyway everyone at dinner was very friendly, I was gracious that they were so hospitable, made me feel very comfortable. They keep saying "we wish we could come to US to visit you as well!! (it's very difficult to get a travel visa, for our country... esp from a place like China..)

May's friends wanted to go clubbing with us that night, after the cameraderie of the previous night - but I had an early flight to Shanghi, and we still had a 3 hr bus ride (was it three? Do i remember anymore?) back to the airport, so after dinner we hustled and caught the bus. On the bus, we had to stop at a border checkpoint (as the town we were leaving borders Vietnam, and they don't want any funny business going on). I got the once over from the MP, he made me dig out my passport as I was the only foreign-looking guy around.. fortunately, the hold-up wasn't very long before we were free to be on our way again, but it did kind of put me in my place a little "i am not the norm here, I am the outsider, and as such that means I represent the unknown and possibly trouble when it comes to Johnny Law..."

We arrived in Nanning, local town of the airport, which was hustling and busy and nuts.. but we were exhausted from a busy day, and had an early flight waiting, so just hit the hay in our tiny apartment for the night.

Next day was Friday the 4th - got up, said bye-bye to May, got on my flight to Shanghai, all by my lonesome. It was a couple of hours past noon when I landed, the plans for the day were a little soupy so I checked into my room (stayed at the Galaxy Inn once again, same place I stayed with May -and our tour group- in Shanghai days earlier). It was far from the airport I'd need to depart from the next day, but then I wanted to go out! I showered, and even though exhausted I tidied up and went out for my last night in Shanghai. Told the Taxi "take me to Nanjing!" (shopping area our tour passed by days earlier, seemed like a happening spot).

I was barely out of the cab when some dude comes up and starts talking to me "hello I am a teacher you like like a nice guy have very nice facial features can i practice english with you??" He seemed sort of annoying but it seemed like it might be a good way to start the trek ad maybe he could lead me to a nice little bar or something, and his overweight middle aged-man energy made me laugh, so I said sure, let's go. He led me to some lame coffee shop/bar with the promise of "stunning views" (he pointed to a sign in the elevator that was trumpeting this, and kept repeating it so may times that it became comical to me "stunning view, very stunning view...") Finally I had to level with him. "Look. Okay we are up several flights, and you can see back into the city quite a bit, so technically it IS a view. But it's NOT stunning. You would not show this view to some girl and get her to swoon, it's merely a NICE view. I mean, there's no city lights on yet. There's a bunch of scaffolding up the side of this nearby building, and a couple of disinterested-looking people sitting in front of that huge concert stage over there, by no means is this a STUNNING VIEW. It's an OKAY view."

He kept mentioning famous players from different popular American sports teams and asking about my hobbies and what sports I liked. I tried to get some data out of him but he just looked fat and sweaty and tired as the conversation wore on, being dodgy. I decided to be a nice foreigner when he started pushing it "can i have one dollar of american money for souvenier? shall we drink a glass of wine to celebrate our new friendship?" I finished my beer and we left, he started in "you want me to take you to get some girls?" It's alright pops I do fine by myself thanks!! STUNNING VIEW.

I walked down back to the plaza and them some local girls started chatting me up. We drank tea and they convinced me to eat hotpot with them - it was fun, they were very friendly and just happy to talk to a white guy I guess (I bought them some tea, so they insisted on buying me dinner). they flagged down a cab for me after (the chick actually RUNS ACROSS THE STREET --IN TRAFFIC-- TO GET ME A CAB!) and they wish me farewell as it swallows me up.

I pointed on my taxi card to the driver that I wanted to go to Xi Tan District, or whatever it was called, I dunno, where the nightblub was I'd visited a few nights earlier - it was friday night and I knew it'd be PACKED. I unloaded from the cab, and didn't recognize where I was but figured I'd scout it it a bit, maybe it would turn up (or something would). As soon as I stepped out, some stripper-club-madame freakin' started to let me have it. "You like girls? You like disco? Come! Come with me! Nice disco this way! Nice Girls! We have girls for you! Dance and strip for you!" No, no, I am okay. She keeps on. And on. I just kept walking forward towards I Don't Know Where to half-humor the pushy madame and half hope she'll get the clue and lemme alone. I had a nice little buzz going and I wasn't feeling confrontational. She followed me all the way to the elevator (I found my club!) and then as the doors closed I was free of her.

The club was-a-happening and the girlies was hot. I was happy to be back, the night was young (just past ten), the place was booming, I loved their style, the music was't bad, and i didn't have to wait ages for a beer! I downed a couple whiskey shots to wet my whistle and started for the dance floor. I snapped a few pics of the setup with my camera, I admired it the other night but left too quick to snap any shots - I wanted to do it justice tonight! I got a few really good ones, I am not kidding this place was all Tron for real. My buzz was good, I was no longer having to deal with the Schoolteacher Guy or the Strip Club Madame, I was having fun, then one of the bouncer apes puts his mitts on me, gives me a look like "we don't like you taking pictures in here, wait for one second please.." I didn't know what to expect next - I have been kicked out of clubs by Monkeys before (more than a few times), it's kind of an international vibe. I wasn't doing anything, everybody had cameras, anyway I took the chance and disappeared into the crowd. Then I sought some solace at Our Friend Mister Toilet for a couple of minutes in hopes that they'd forget about it. Well, this place was dark, and really packed, but I was also one of like 5 white people in the whole joint, so I knew comeuppance couldn't be too far behind. A good bit of time had passed, but by now my mode had switched from "good time guy" to "radar detector" so I decided to quite while I was ahead - besides, I needed to be up in a few hours for my flight. Anyway it had ups and downs but it was still a very cool night.

Okay! I am wrapping up now. I swear. So now here's where things get a weird. So.. I woke up today, which was Saturday, July 5 - but, just in China, not for several hours in the West yet. I got up and got my stuff ready, showered, called my girl to say byebye, checked out, hurridly ran out into the HOT THICK SHITTY SHITTY HEAT to the bus parked just outside for my ride back to the (farther away) airport, sat down, okay relax, we got an hour and a half ride in this thing now. Except.. shit, why does my ass hurt? Why does it hurt to sit? Oh what the fuck is it NOW?

I fidgeted uncomfortably on the bus, shifting my weight continuously back and forth for that next 1.5 hours. I looked out the window into the hot hazy day as Shanghai spread open before me, as we rifled thru traffic and then down the freeway. I had been getting eyefuls of Shanghai before, but today was the first time I could freely and truly see it for what it really was, a giant endless HULK of a thing, just spreading and towering and growing out in every direction, out and up, I mean in LA you see the occasional giant crane here or sandblasted building there, and granted on this China trip I'd seen a good excessive amount of 'em in all the little burgeoning cities we'd hectically drifted through, but today, THIS took the cake, it was like all of that times another 750, plus maybe a few more zeroes.. just big, TONS OF cranes, thousands of them, huge crazy buildings going up everywhere as far as the eye could see into the distance in almost every direction. It was endless, it was madness, it was exciting, it made me want to go and build little endless complicated cities of my own, blinking with little "plane don't crash into me!" blink lights and weird neon ads with confoundingly misused English Characters.. Yeah, Shanghai was something else, I tell ya what.

Got to the terminal on time, checked my bag, tried to take a shit - hmmm nothing doing, sit and wait in the stuff gate with all the other folks. Hurts to sit on this bench, I lay across three seats and was a bit less uncomfortable. Damn when does the freakin' plane BOARD already! Weren't we supposed to be on that thing like 45 min ago? So stuffy in here and that damned Brazilian girl is clanging around on those stupid lighty-rollerskates so I can't relax...

Finally, we board, one hour late. My seat is the very back of the plane, sharing the wall with the bathroom. Everytime someone flushes the toilet, I hear the sound of air rushing in to suck out the waste, ad it makes me cringe with it's sudden loud burst, and I think of the poor little girl in Nebraska or whatever whose poor little intestines got sucked out of her body when she was sitting on top of that pool drain which freak-randomly air suctioned her out (and later she died) and it probably sounded like that WHOOSH in the bathroom, and my ass hurts and maybe my guts are getting sucked out also. Awesome. I sat there in that little tight seat shifting and fidgeting for 11 goddamn hours, because it was too uncomfortable to sit to long without that soreness making me insane, i would be awesome if they would just let me lay down in the aisle! (no chance) and HEY LOOK they are playing a movie.. oh. Oh it is Spider-Man 3. Eastern China Airlines LOVES Spider-Man 3. The shittiest of all the Spider-Man movies, and this was the third time I'd seen it on a plane. Ah well, after that they played some chick movies (at least Spider-Man 3 was watchable). If I had half a brain I would've though to put a bunch of movies on the damn 40GB Ipod.. XXXXXXXX.

Anyway 11 hrs. Not as bad as the flight in, though I didn't sleep a wink with the sore ass, but I did manage to plow through the whole entire "Masters of Doom" book in one day (about the id software guys). It was a little cavemany, but interesting to read nonetheless. Finaly - FINALLY we landed back in the states. The last hour was something else. So this was weird, my flight left at 3pm Saturday and now I had arrived at like... NOON Saturday, the same day, and somehow watched a sunset and sunrise over the course of the in-between time. Whatever. Man I have never been so happy to get off of a plane. I launched through customs, changed the rest of the yuan in my wallet for dollars, tried to poop (nope. nope), then hopped on the bus for a bumpy and still uncomfortable, but still relieving ride back. Bus dropped me Downtown, hopped the metro rail to Hollywood, realized I'd got on the PURPLE instead of the RED by accident (it's actually hard to tell, esp. when you've been awake and spacecamping for umpteen bazillion hours... oh thank Christ I wasn't hungover on top of it. Backtracked the subway, got off Hollywood n Vine, got a schwaerma, walked home, did my laundry, saw my jury duty summons waiting for me, threw out the dead flowers, saw the doc and he told me it was roids, soak your ass in warm water and eat this fibre and put these suppositories up your ass. yep, I am old.

Oh and the icing on the cake, I actually cabbed out to the Dr, cabbed back as well (duh), the driver is watching an Armenian Wedding (low-grade) on a little TV in the middle of his dash as he drives. He zooms through a red light taking me back, a car full of extremely angry black people pull up beside him and start screaming, i mean SCREAMING at the dude "What the hell is wrong with you!! You ran that light!! What the hell!! F You!! Get out of your car right now! You get out right now!" And he's yelling back "Yeah F you alright!!F you! Shut up!! F You!!" Armenian wedding video with the blarey music playing on the dash still "F You!!!" I am trying not to spill my coke on the seat. He pulls forward (behind a cop being yelled at by some random dude in the street) and clicks of the Wedding. We drive to Franklin and Bronson in Silence.

Ah, Hollywood.

-----

by the way, it is now 3:30 in the am. I don't know when the last time I actually slept was. Not since waking up in Shanghai at the hotel. I Guess I should go to sleep now. Yeah.