couple days, couple days

hello RABID FANBASE, what is up with you all? Friday night (not really - i just honestly wish it was!!) Busy times at the office, some press has been about, games radar put up a new look at our game, a little yammering on the forums about the studio.. all good things. A bad thing is that a fellow got let go yesterday, which makes me sad. Hopefully he will be back on his feet ASAP, I will do all that I can to try and see if I can be of any service. Getting fired, well, that's a long blog post which I haven't written on in awhile (though there's a lot to say on the matter, to be sure).

Lots on my mind, business-wise. A bunch of fools are playing Smash in the other room - my buddy expressed his undying love for Call of Duty 4 the other day, I keep keep keep hearing how awesome awesome awesome this game is (hell I have wanted to work for that studio in the past, my friend Todd is there). I guess I will have to give in and PLAY AN FPS (shudder). Must be like everyone else. Must! The world waits with baited breath as GTA 4 ekes ever closer to it's ship date.. it's like.. a few days? A week? Something? I remember seeing ads for that thing like.. years ago, in the sides of fences, then they pulled them and cooled off as the release date got delayed. Another game I'm indifferent about, but of course I cannot deny it's significance.

Bad news in Activision-land, I dunno how many folks remember the dev house Z-Axis - they were an indie studio of no small degree of significance back in the day. ROckstar published their Thrasher for PS1 (either right before or immediately after Tony Hawk 1, either way being eclipsed by that title - but being just as good/noteworthy of a game, in many ways. At least critically!) When the Tony Hawk clones hit, they put out some good ones (Acclaim's Dave Mirra BMX, PS2 versions I am aware of - I would suspect PS1 as well). Their crowning achievement would likely have been Aggresive Inline, a game which very obviously copped BLATANTLY from the Tony Hawk mode and method, but in a very complementary/quality way (for a change!).The game scored excellently, I doubt it sold too too well (inline skates vs skateboards, that's a little rough) but yeah the thing was not bad. Anyway thy followed that up with the notoriously--- NOTORIOUS title BMX XXX, best remembered for it's topless chicks on BMX bikes and videos of strippers. Oh, Zed Axis. Sigh. The thing plunked (I think PS2 censored it, ruining the point) as Walmart or whoever (at LEAST) wasn't too psyched. Xbox and Gamecube versions were released as planned, but no matter. Anyway, after that travesty they were strangely picked up by Acti (I guess, hoping to elminate their competition by consuming them.. or putting them to work doing THPS ports.. or they recognized a capable dev when they saw them). Anyway something happened after the acquisition (something always happens folks!) and they kinda dropped off the map. A couple years passed and we heard of "the Iron Man game," I think they did one of the Xmen games as well.. not sure about that. Iron Man never materialized (there's one coming out shortly to tie in with the movie, but it's by Secret Level/Sega, so that would be unrelated). Then, they popped up barely a couple of months ago "Z-Axis being renamed to Underground" and now, a couple minutes later, "Underground studio will be closed in May.. after they finish up their Quake Wars port to 360 (or Ps3, forget which.. either way, they were only handling one). Supposedly they were gonna do one of the next Call of Duty's, obviously that's not happening as they'll not ever be doing anything again. Weird! Sad when things go down that way, especially with a place that actualy made some decent products. Hard to feel "totally bad" when any number of things could have transpired over the course of years, though. After the heads sold out, they could have took their fat paychecks and split.. hated working for their new bosses (hey Activision was certainly a rival of Rockstar and Acclaim, no doubt), maybe they got the boot.. The studio moved and hired a TON of people, a little mismanagement could go a long long way. Hard to tell, one can only speculate. Anyway, the saddest part is that Underground is closing and no one knows or cares what that means, everyone just says "good, so some shitty other ACTI house won't be tarnishing the COD name, and maybe Infinity Ward can stick with it instead." Sad, but also I guess, somewhat irrelevant at this point. Hopefully the HR folks will help place the to-be-unemployed with some new digs.

Also of note, 3 studio high-up guys from Retro Studios (the guy who rebuilt the classic Metroid franchise for the current generation) have reportedly left the studio and were "escorted from the grounds," take that as you will. Retro, not many know, had a little of a weirdo history as well (sigh, who doesn't, dammit?) and I am sure there's a little bit of that lingering. Good luck to all involved over there, anyway! Having worked at Left Field, and knowing folks from SIlicon Knights (previously, they did a lot of high-level Nintendo Exclusives several years ago) I can appreciate the especial difficulty therein.

Alright. My lights are baked. I am hitting the road. The night awaits.

this is vegas

what did i say last time? "got back from las vegas, that place remins me of a videogame..."
http://www.gametrailers.com/player/33060.html
yeah so midway are putting out "this is vegas" GTA-style game. Here's the first I've seen of it beyond a couple of GTA-inspired screens. This one (and it's ilk) have folks skeptical, and not needlessly so - but I think someone is on the ball with this style of game. As is obvious, one would hope there's "more to it than this" but honestly, take a everyman character and stick him in an unusual and colorful setting, and you do have the possibility of making a very cool game out of it. For instance, using this as a springboard I could think of TONS of ways to make an amazing RPG... I will keep it to myself for the time being.. Let's just say it doesn't necessarily involve running around and kicking guy's asses (well.. not without realistic consequences!) and not just shooting people either, stealing cars, all that tired stuff..

holy crap, such pain!!!

so did y'all take care of your taxes yet, hmmm, hmm? Betta hope your ass got that shit all taken care of holmes!! that's right! Don't wanna mess with Uncle Sam.. He's got a bad temper. Send your butt to Abu Ghirab. However you spell it. Rip off your clothes and put a bag on your head and pile you up naked with a bunch of other dudes, watch out.

i am sitting at the desk at may's apartment, trying to type on her laptop and listen to KCRW and some annoying fool out somewhere is plucking guitar strings and it's really messing with me. i don't mind some ambient sound (lies!) but when i am already devoting my hearing attention to something else, it just starts becoming an obnoxious cacaphonic mess. i am good at zeroing my concentration in on things while i am involved with this/that/the other thing, but when i get too much conflicting stimuli (doesn't take much mind you) then my wires will get all crossed, my temper will flare, and my system will start to steam. I mean, that's how it would be if my constitution wasn't quite so ahh perfect.

Anyway I want the guitar plucker to get a case of the shits or something for a few minutes so they can put down their axe and pick up a copy of Consumer Reports and leave me in peace for fifteen goddamned minutes, that sounds appeasing.

I will try to keep centered enough to write, bear with me. I am already exhausted on top of my frustrations. I will try to keep my raging expession to a minimum (well, we will see how it goes). Anyway life has been busy as of late, as usual. Lots to tell. Last weekend (prior to this past weekend) the little lady and I hauled out to Veganas to visit her friend who lives/works out there, and that person's husband. He worked, the ladies shopped, I gambled and put down a couple of Cape Cods. Up and down, up and down, up and down. That night we tried to follow a hookup through to a party at The Palms, but there was some big fancy Exclusive Party going down which kept the plebians from attending, so we crossed the street and drank n danced at the Rio instead. Rio gets a bit of dislike from my crowd, but it fills a need and it was there for us that night, sure enough, so can't complain. Sunday hauled back home of course, followed by a week of work.

Broke up mid-week for a party up the street from my pad, open bar so it was hard to resist (plus I wanted to hang out with my buddy Justin). I'd not really been drunk in about a month, and the week of work wasn't too punishing so it wasn't difficult to squeeze in. The party was alright (like I said, close to home and open bar, downside is that it was a VFX wrap party which means 95 percent industry nerdlingers) anyway I somehow made it home to my bed, my trusty trusty bed, my trusty trusty alarm clock managed to snap me awake the next A.M. to get ready for work, and I did. Got hit halfway thru the day with a devilish little hangover, not bad/sick just annoying/hard to focus. Dumbasses, Listen - if it's open bar, don't waste the evening downing shots. Get loaded elegantly with more expensive, complicated drinks, stretch out the night, enjoy it, perhaps even remember more than a quarter or two. You know. Ah it's business as usual, I have an excuse, I am not used to that speed.

Friday was my buddy Niki's birthday, over on the West Side - it was at this little reggae-ish-kinda joint, as I was driving out from work (and then home) that meant I would put down a single beer and call it a night (drinking-wise), still wound up enough with my boundless energy that I was due for some dancing with the ladies. As the night wore on, I texted my girl who responded with a story about how she was presently being detained in a movie theater in El Segundo, apparently some punk shot a couple cops (in the movie theater lobby!) and they gunned him down right there. As they don't take too kindly to the wasting of police officers, the whole theater got locked up tight as a drum and everyone had to sit tight for.. oh, like 4 hours or so (no, not watching any actual films, or even being allowed to use any restrooms!) while SWAT rolled in and picked the place apart for any possible accomplices. Poor May!!! Anyway she showed up back at my place somewhere around 4:30 that morning.. sucks.. but I was happy she made it home in one piece. BTW don't tell her dad, if you've just read all of that.

Saturday.. this past saturday, of two days ago, it was a retardedly hot day (like 90 degrees in the city!) Hopped out of bed, threw on my shorts and some flipflops and headed over to get Robeks and then go for a hike in the park, it's been awhile. They CLOSED OFF THE PATH. Fuckers. I don't know where to begin to vent my anger for this, so I won't continue to try. All I gotta say is, I hope it reopens sometime in the next year, sigh. Anyway I grabbed May (as she's got up by this time) and we decided to try to head out to the beach. Never make it out there, but today seemed like it was made for such a plan. We hopped in the car bound for Venice, apparently everyone born since 1926 had the exact same idea as the fwy was packed all the way to the coastline. Parking prices were horrible as well ($15-20) but lucked out and found a $7 steal (sorry, I date an Asian girl, I am starting to say how much ('little') money I pay for everything). We hit the sand pretty late in the day, but it was still very relaxing, passed out for a few.. woke up and headed back to town, then another night out for me as a friend invited me out to his Goodbye Dinner (he took a job in Canada, leaving in a couple of weeks - very suddenly!)

Sunday, another heatwave, May and I visited or buddies in Atwater Village, hung out and ate some BBQ and drank some beers and played some Rock Band, a full day of relaxing with friends.. can't ask for much more. And today? Today was Monday, back to real life. We got a deadline fast approaching at work, once again, ad I am getting slammed every which way trying to wrap it up nice and tight for the end of the week. It's these times "when I shine" but dubious circumstances are conspiring to stress me ouuuuTTTT.

does.not.compute

..i probably just read that somewhere. what's up, User created Community, another week of work has passed and i am checking in. no big big news out of me for the moment - just doing a bit of research with the 2D sprite related genre, trying to pick up old sidescroller NES titles, there's a lot of underappreciated oldies that never got a real shot - for various reasons, in some cases you can see that there was some heart in their creation but they never really had it together in the vein of, say, a mega man or something. too bad for them. it's hard to pick up a game like the Krion Conquest and NOT ogle the graphics, in spite of the ugly-ass main character and not-so-fun design. These games were being pooped out relatively regularly, at some point, and a few of them may've been worthy... lost to the ages, by now. Some titles i intend to unearth, shortly.. 8 Eyes, Monster Party, Dr Chaos (whyyy?), Goonies II (ohh.. so brown!), Holy Diver (pretty weird pedigree on that one!), of course the Power Blade and Shatter Fists.. Kick Master (that prospect always kinda made me laugh). If you look back, there's alot more love lavished towards the 16-bit titles than these eight-bitters, but honestly, when the time and effort (and love) was put into the eight-bit games, you'd see a lot more delicate pixel work, attention to milking all that an artist could out of those severe palette restrictions. It makes the 16bit style seem a bit exhorbitant and lazy by comparison (a trend that continues to this very day, honestly!) This is how some PSOne games can still look well-put together (in spite of their criplling ugliness, relatively) compared to the onslaught of Gunmetal Unreal Engine titles which are flooding the landscape.

In the news, Dan Hsu has stepped down as the head of EGM/1Up/etc (I guess that's all-encompassing, anyway). This might seem useless to many on the actual dev side of things, but to someone like me it's notable - I grew up a huge EGM fanboy (it sure helped get me feeling "connected to games" in a lot of ways when i was a kid) and though he was not ed-in-chief in those days, he's since kept Electronic Gaming Monthly ina lofty status since. I have listened to the guy speak in many podcasts, heard him break down many thins during interviews, and so forth. Definitely one of the most influential people on the media side of things. It is so weird, lately, how game journalism is sort of suffering in many ways due to the nature of things (print is wrapping up, as online takes over in a big way.. witness the demise of games for Widnows mag, almost as recently)

It's 2am, my foot is asleep, perhaps time for the rest of me to follow suit then.

unvirtual nonreality

Greetings from Videogameland! Lots going on lately. As mentioned in my "real life blog" some screenshots from Alpha Protocol got posted to the internet, one of them was a shot of a level of mine. It's been a little while..

I have been enjoying my GP32 lately, eveyr so often I will dig it out of the depth of my backpack "oh yeah, i have this thing still" and get sucked in to like 45 games on it. It is front lit (like the old Gameboy SP) so in my memory it is barely legible - obviously that isn't the case! The screen has an annoying smudge under the surface, but if i open it up i will likely mess it up worse in trying to clean it, so.. c'est la vie. Anyway it's not perfect but it is really nice, smudges and all, and the nice big screen kills the crap out of my otherwise singularly-used Gameboy Micro (still the champ, since it's so small and nigh-invulnerable). Oh well, they can coexist. The GP32 plays WAY more games, overall (excepting, of course, actual GBA ones) and I can fit more games on the switchable card than the single GBA flashcart. But like I said, I am able to enjoy them both. On a related note, I saw my friend's new PSP 2000 or Slimline or whatever the hell it is called - the Mark II - first time a week ago. I haven't touched a PSP in ages, one forgets how gorgeous the screen is! Anyway it's (slightly) more compacts, and way lighter. Still not for me, but impressive regardless. Anyway, I'd still more likely buy a DS Lite at this point if I was in the market for a portable, but PSP obviously isn't like.. TERRIBLE. Just kind of useless. haha.

Went to Vegas over the weekend. Vegas is like... a big videogame, in so many ways. It's such a weird, unruly place. It's just not like anywhere else in the world (and I say this, living as i do smack-dab in Hollywood!) All the different locales, the casinos - each one like a different themed level, different background graphics (haha), all of them representative metaphors of real places, ideas, portrayed in gimmick, cheap, cartoon form, all bunched up agaist each other. Treasure Island next to Eiffel Tower beside Miniature New York City, and so on and so forth.. the contents of each properly espousing each theme. Ad never mind the whole actual gaming aspect contained within - well, there are games, contests of skill (to a degree), winning and losing, extra chances, bonus levels, stages of advancement. In videogames, there is a defined path, to whatever degree, an outline, a beginning and end. In vegas games, they are a cheat really, a trick - they operate on a twisted system of greed, of lies (thinly-veiled, but even so). Repetitious in nature (well.. that's similar to videogames, i will give them that.. but in a different manner). Yeah it's interesting to draw some parallels.

one-way world

3am, and i should be asleep. Why? 'Cause it is THREE A.M.!!!
Another week almost wrapped up. Work is a bit lethargic lately - some screenshots of our game got published to the net this week, one of them is a level I have been working on. Interesting.. I am trying to take the barbs with ease. Anyway it's a Work in progress, what do ya want!

It was a stressful week anyway. Last week my girlfriend was sick, and dutifully I tried my best to make her comfortable. This week I got to chill out a little, unfortunately my car was having issues (a hose burst, the engine temperature was overheating as all the coolant had drained out!) I was fortunate, my engine didn't get ruined. That's a nightmare waiting to happen. People tell me I should by a new car. I say... sigh.. when I HAVE to.. Anyway, crisis averted, for the moment. I need to head in for a bonafide tune-up at the dealer, though, as soon as possible. Did my taxes last weekend.. yeah it's all wrapping up. As I have mentioned, it's wearing on my mind how often I watch the same amounts of money come into my bank account, then go back out.. in, out... yeah, I know I am being whiny, I am just tired of that. It's getting closer. I want that windfall to come, just sweep away my economic woes, but then.. then what? So I have a couple extra bucks in the bank to sit on. Fine. I guess I'll start some account where I cannot touch it and earn some interest.. yeah, SOME. It feels ridiculous to live in California sometimes. What am I gonna do, start saving for a house now, here? It used to be my plan, not too long ago. Some very large circumstances are really gonna have to come to pass, in my life, for that plan to even be any kind of validity. Ah well, at least i have lotsa company. Also, it's not like I have got any kids (or am stuck in a genuinely shitty living situation) so I can't complain too much. As usual, it's just a monkeywrench in my programming, is all.

I just had an odd thought, about a decade ago i heard of something called "Hank the Angry Drunken Dwarf" and that he was voted People's Sexiest person of the year, or something to that effect. It sounded completely farcical from the get-go, then I found out that this was an actual person (still a hoax, kind-of, but you know). Anyway, growing up Howard Stern always seemed like this strange otherworldly thing that was out of my comprehension/culture/need to give any kind of attention to, but honestly after joining the working world, one can see how that stuff can be a valid antidote to yawnfests like NPR (i like NPR, don't get me wrong - I really do - but in the AM, the soothing announcer voice, the chill music, the subject matter - that is a yawnfest de rigeur!) Anyway Stern's been off the normal radio for a couple of years now, I never signed up for Satellite Radio for various reasons (I am not THAT dedicated) but the world of radio has certainly changed in the wake of all that. And, the Janet Jackson boob (and 9-11 and all of that). No short order. Anyway, it's interesting (I guess) for me to be typing about so random a topic as Talk Radio on my blog, but it is actually a genuine part of my life, I listen to talk very much as I am commuting, as I am working.. it's been much less important (vital) since Howard moved on, sadly. Not that I have ever been any kind of diehard fan, but the point is that the rest of that world (the parts of it I survey) is pretty tame by comparison. Ah well - too bad.

Did my laundry tonight. May wants to go to Vegas this weekend, so we'll head there to visit her friends after work tomorrow and undoubtedly win lots and lots of insane cash. I promise! Phewwww, two trips to vegas in like 2 months' time, i can't believe it. The last trip isn't even faded out of memory yet. I am tired of Vegas! It's a super-interesting place though - a wild microcosm - but dividing my time between Vegas, Los Angeles, and (almost, lately) Boston to a much lesser degree, my brains are starting to hemorrhage out of my skull. I.. I need to drive up the coast, relax on the beach. Soon! Maybe!

Possibly!

Anyway Vegas is sort of the farthest thing from my mind right now, I feel like I need to lock myself up in a nice quaint little cell or something for like.. 3, 4 months.. a sensory deprivation chamber, something. Living in LA is a blast, but once in a while just by virtue of living in the midst of it all, your radiation starts to burn, slowly.. the nerves get frayed, the hairs on the back of your neck start to stick up. The madness is either with you or against you, sometimes it's hard to tell were your receptors are.

I guess a good night's sleep is tantamount to dealing with any of it. If I am lucky I can get on 5 and a half hours, if i mosey on up there like now sort-of. Then work, then drive. Shistasomajaponica.

forever stalking you

yup, 'nother day, time to catch up with the neglected bloginizing. Actually, I did put forth a rather heated effort last week, though I would say it was a little on the too-heated side, I never finished and decided to let the sleeping does lie. I was in a pretty gnarly mood, so maybe it was for the better (though perhaps i'll just sliiiiide it in later).

Things are alright. It's 7pm on a Monday night and I am sitting at my desk at work, baking some lightmaps. Yep, that's right! Another draggy day in draggy life is behind me, though I am not sure when exactly I will leave my post for the day - I have things I should tend to at home, I suppose, so perhaps not too too late. The shuffle back-and-forth does get a little tiresome though, I have to say. Not enough to make me wanna quit, though.. or move.. sigh.

Anyway, today's excitement -> our office is next to the 55 freeway (by, well.. YARDS, barely) and a little old lady swerved off of it and smack into the planter where the smokers usually chill out at. Fortunately for them, no folks back there at the moment, or they would have been crushed! Anyway the car flipped and she was trapped for awhile, till them paramedics came and freed her. Very weird. I guess she got lucky, sounds like she will be alright. I have seen some things in my day, this is another first for me though.

What else.. hmm, I don't proclaim to have too many heroes, and I don't use such a term lightly, if at all. But I guess radio-talk-show host Adam Carolla would have ot rank up there, for people who I respect and appreciate. He made a small film, which opened this past weekend. My friend and I went to check it out, the man himself came out following the show for some Q and A, which was cool. The whole affair was.. tiny, really (bad for him, I guess, but good for us) so it was intimate and therefore pretty cool. Got to meet him and shake his hand, for whatever that's worth. But yeah I think I listen to that guy in some form or other, every day at work - for a good 5 years or so now, at least!! So that was pretty cool.

Otherwise, life is pretty chill. Work is.. well, work is always taking it out of me, in some form or other, but I am just past my 1-year anniversary at this studio, that's a good thing I'd say (well, good that I am still legitimately employed and all of that).Working pretty hard, as usual! Otherwise, trying (damned hard) to stay out of the partyin' scene. That's a hard thing, honestly - I can tell that my mental state is a lot unhappier for it, but it's a personal choice. It's too damned expensive, and I have spent more than my fair share on that part of my lifestyle. I do think I have been pretty good about it, especially over the past year - but I gotta tighten the belt even further!

It sucks though! But that is life. It is interesting, to measure reality differently when you don't have such regular periods of absolute escapism. Interesting, to be sure.. upsetting in some ways, perhaps. It does feel good to think of the positive side of things though. I am really tired of putting the same amount of money into the bank and deducting the exact same amount to cover my bills, over and over, each freakin' month. It's pretty old. Welcome to everyone else's life, I know. I have been full of hot air for some time now about "this plan" or "that idea" to get things to change. I don't lie to myself, there's a lot I can do (hell, there's a lot I have already done) but as usual, ratcheting up to that next notch definitely means more (urgh) painful of a change, in whatever capacity. I have dabbled here and there - I always have some notions, I wouldn't say the things in my head are truly half-hearted or completely naive either. But as they say, the proof is in the pudding. Man, what a dumb thing to say.

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This is cheesy, but I will occasionally pull up my website now and again, i suppose it's sort of narcissistic, sort of ego-stroking, whatever (well, everyone needs that stuff). I don't think it's any great piece of work, it's flawed and whatever like anything, but it is mine, it's representative of my career, my life in some ways. It's changed over time, between subtle shifts and complete overhauls, also like me. It's cheesy to say these things, and it's just a meaningless website, but it is still symbolic to me, it's a constant like I am. I guess I just look at it, like anything else, with a micture of pride and.. expectation. There's things on there, some I am proud of, some I'd like to forget, to get past.. take them down, replace them altogether. Sigh, even just get rid of the whole damned thing, haha. Well, I need to hold onto it, so that's not likely to happen. But more than anything (and here comes the cheesiest part), it still sort of represents my hopes and dreams, in a way. It's a work-in-progress, a map kind of where I have been, a footprint, whatever you wanna call it. But I look and say "alright, that's all well and good, but where can I go next from this meager stepping stone?"

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I have been all over the place lately. It's hard to measure.. The holidays are actually quite distant for me already, mentally, but new year's wasn't THAT far behind. I went to Boston twice, Vegas once, since last winter. I mean.. I was just IN Boston, exactly one month ago, but it feels like it could easily have been half a year ago, or longer. That's so strange- what does that mean? Am I so settled and plugged into my simle little routine here, that any deviance from the norm (esp. a "normal deviance") just goes into a little pigeonhole like that? It pisses me off. Time should be more novel than that. I find myself saying these things a lot lately, "'ll do something.. sometime." When is that? What does that mean? I guess I am getting impatient, but I don't know what for. My youthful energy to pick up and do whatever is fleeting, even if it's still in me. I am not complaining (out and out) about this, so much as trying to snap out of this person I am becoming, trying to take a warning from it. I live this weird life, in this crazy wild place - there's tons of opportunity around me, for.. anything... I have tasted it before, but I am forgetting how to. And if I squander it, the only person whose fault that will be, is my own. I go home at night, I crank on the heater, nestle up next to it for that primal warm feeling, that "who cares, I got my heat" feeling, the one that burns a little to the point where it gets a little painful (but anything less is too weak!), I look at my bookcase, my couch, my coffee table.. my TV. I feel solid and secure, I have this place, this stability now, it's kind of got sculpted out pretty well the way I like it, and the comfort of it all is what seems to trap me, to keep me from cutting away and releasing back into the chance, the danger, the difference. Maybe I will just flip a coin. Screw it. Go to vegas, take my tax return and put it on red, if I win then put THAT on black, spend half partying and the other half on gettin' a move on. Nice fantasy, right?

oh dear

man, it is a slow day. Perforce is crawwwwwwling since I have walked in (hours ago!) and until it finishes updating, I can't really get much done. This is unusual, but after last week's crunch, it fuels my lethargy..

Things are alright, our game has been on the public's tongue for a bit over a week (and change?) now, since there's not been quite so much of a media blitz it is sort of quiet mostly - I would imagine that will be different down the road, as usual. Anyway it is certainly interesting (in both good and bad ways) to watch the public reception to the announcement, and the initial articles.. too bad no one leaked any information about the PIRATE NINJA SPACE VIXEN levels in our game yet, oh well.

In the meantime, as usual I have loads and loads of things to say about game development (specifically, about finagling management of the unreal engine) but of course I will keep my cards close to my chest. Needless to say, I am sure I am thinking many of the same things that my counterparts in other companies would. It's very interesting, this development cycle, to see how things are handled "for next gen" (i know, can't really call it that anymore!) compared to the PS2 days. So much more overhead, to say the least. Sigh, I remember the times when I'd be meticulously cutting out shadow geometry all over the terrain "oh my GOD when will these times be past us! All will be valhalla!" Oh but y'know. It's always something, it really is.

I have had a slow trickle of game purchases lately, actually picked up a couple of Sega 32X games if you can believe that (hey, I acquired a unit for free, alright?) There were literally like 2 games for it that I was somewhat interested in looking at, I found them for a song so why not (no haven't even hooked the thing up yet anyway). I still have Bioshock sitting in my bag, as it's been for.. a long time, I really need to play through some more of it but in these times of wayyyyy too many good games, it's hard ot keep one's momentum with nearly anything, at times.

I got a couple big scores, relatively - mentioned previously, of course. First up at bat would be the Vectrex, old console (with built-in monitor) circa 1983, came out juuuust before the Video Game Crash. An impressive little device, I picked up a multicart for it as well (hey man, I just wanna play the games!) It's pretty sweet! I guess I did not know totally what to expect - I do remember the Atari 2600 era fairly well, and what kinds of games it inspired, so with that all in mind the uniqueness of the Vectrex is quite a treat. Disappointed not to see a straight-up Tempest clone amongst the titles there, but what's included is certainly worth the cash I spent on the whole kit (not too much, anyway...) Yeah, the thing looks neat. The controls feel a little touchy, you can tell this controller was designed in the days before hardcore ergonomic testing - as a result there's certainly a much more raw and pure feeling about the whole ordeal. When I ran it the first time, hearning the strange old-fashioned calliope/carnival music sort of made my heart warm a little (as dorky as that sounds!) The games look cool! They look weird, abstract, Janky. The pacman clone makes you laugh. The.. character game makes you.. scratch your head (game design was just in different places in those days). Scramble is as cool as ever. The little space invaders, Asteroids, and Missile Command knockoffs all look, sound, and play great. The pole position game is just like too cute for words, I guess. (trust me, it's cute with the little powerlines and trees and crape). Okay maybe that was Hyper Chase. You get the picture.

The Vector display is something else - you turn the thing on (it's a circular knob, how is that for quaint?)and the thing hums at you. The tube glows strangely, like a great-grandparents' TV would.. it looks odd, but still very neat. A lot of games use these small tiny specks (for stars, bullets, whatever) that just look like glowing bits of too-bright magnesium. It really looks unlike anything else you see in gaming, that's for sure...

Overall the thing is supercool. I wouldn't say I was "glued to it," it's nice to have it here (though it is really just more clutter) but the design and aesthetic from the top-down just makes me feel at home with my roots (my roots-roots!) you know? If anything, it frustrates me because now I want someone to make a similar little desktop MAME cabinet, or something, so I can go even further with it. Wait don't I have a GP32 alrready?

the news is what's news

Lots going on in the world right now.

1. Alpha Protocol, Obsidian's latest project, was announced in the current Game Informer Issue. I guess I can finally update my resume. That's what I have been working on for awhile..

2. Frontlines: Fuel of War released (at last!), the game I turned down for AP. Watching it like a hawk, and I replayed the SP demo, it's fun!

3. Ebay has been xmas for me lately. I have got a lot of goods out of there lately - a couple of Sega 32X games (yeah, really!), a Vectrex circa 1983, a Turbografx-16 CDRom unit (one that works, actually) and an upgraded system card for the unit ("to play Dracula-X"). I will write about these things in short order, haven't spent much (or any) time with any of this stuff since work's been rather hectic. In light of the vectrex, I'll say this - it's weird, which is cool! I set it up next to my monitor at the office, so I get a lot of confused stares these days (more so than usual). Anyway, all I need otherwise is a Gamecube Pad and then I am done shopping online for awhile, I believe.. something tells me that those cannot be too hard to find..

Short entry, but things are quiet right now. More to come soon - I am anxious for the weekend!

games are boring

.. just like the title says. Post-Holiday season means cooling down, and overall I gotta say it feels pretty "blah" overall in videogameland. Smash Bros is just out, and yeah there's the usual expectations of good times from the new Metal Gear and GTA installments due soon.. but man, if you're me, not any of those does much to tickle the pickle. Where's the new, unheard-of experiences in gaming which are alas being heralded about, then? Trapped in a time capsule or wha? Well, far be it from me to dip into that well, so I might as well tread laterally..

I have a nice backlog of games to work through, though by my mood you can tell I am not too terribly psyched to work my way through them. I think it's time for a vacation from videogaming, or something. On the other end of the world, I booted up RC Pro-Am for the NES in what must have been the first time in at least half-a-decade, memories of struggle rushed forward but that game is still a pleasure, I got to say. I am turning into my Dad "everything from the past is better than anything made since!" Ok it isn't that bad (feels like it sometimes!) I am just a fuddy-duddy I guess.

I am waiting for my vectrex to show up in the mail still, likewise Turbografx CD Rom (man, can you believe I actually write about this stuff AND have a girlfriend.. and she isn't even fat or gross? Well maybe as she gets older, I suppose.) I feel like I have been on an ebay shopping spree lately, as one gets older and has slightly more disposable income, online auctions are definitely a dangerous place to hang out. Anyway that's pretty much all that's got my eye right now. I've a mind to throw some roms on the GP32 and give them a spin, but that thing's aged and it's experience sits not too wonderfully in my memory (this is a very spoiled brat gamer typing here, damn you gameboy micro). They were on route to put out a very gameboy-micro-looking device, those GP32 people, but as with many of their projects it seems to have got sucked up into a fuselage somewhere along the line. This is the part where I waste 20 minutes and look around, fruitlessly, for any more info on the thing (I would still buy one of those in a heartbeat, mind you!) My gameboy micro is easily the most used/most enjoyed gaming platform I own, for a few obvious reasons - most people would like to slap me upside the head and tell me to get a goddamned DS, I am sure. Buy me one if you like, I still won't play it that much I am sure (though I can't argue there's tons of great games on it).

Anyway, enough about my nerdish habits, it's time to rant about my nerdish job. Things are going along alright at work, at this point I am a year in with comfortably intimatizing myself with the unreal 3 editor. It's got some awful sticking points that, I guess, I have gotten pretty used to by now (but why, oh WHY?) - though so long as one is coordinated/thoughtful enough, it's more than useful and powerful. I think I would enjoy taking some downtime to mess with it, at this stage - and likewise, to get way familiar with a lot of other apps/tools that I "should" be more proficient with, 'cause sometimes I just feel like a damned dinosaur. I watch my coworkers bat stuff out, and the way the work - it makes me scratch my head a little "why don't I use those methods?" At this point it's easier to work in my old-fashoned ways to properly get things done, than to try and learn all these weird different abstract approaches to get to the same place (although, they seem much more efficient and faster). At least I don't feel like my eye has suffered much (well.. except perhaps becoming a bit too exacting for my own good).

I am coming up quickly on my one-year anniversary of employment with the curret studio. One year already! Doens't sound like much, but if one looks at my resume, they'll see that one year is by no means not a SHORT duration for me, historically and relatively, to be with a single company. I guess, roughly, the average length of time I've got by now, overall, is something like 1.35 yrs/job. Something like that - doesn't sound too good. But again, considering this industry, and the track record of so many of my peers, I would venture to guess that it's not too far away from the normal. Ah well, so long as I kkeep doing something, then c'est la vie.

hate you xbox.

DISC ERROR. DISC ERROR.
my girlfriend bought me rockband for my b-day last month. seriouslythat box is bigger (and heavier) than she is. anyway easily it's the most-played game on my xobx (aside from Pacman, but that's a DL). Anyway not even a month in and the thing won't read. Will not read! "wipe the disc with a damp cloth" it tells me. I take it out and look at it - a little scratched, like these little circular scrapey-scratches as if a certain xbox tray busted it up a little. i wiped and wiped some more but the thing is mostly more and more useless. sigh. I know, i know.. life is tough. homeless people are dying in the street, starving.. little kittens are being raped by the millions every day, I know I know. I just want to hit my drums. i am just whinin'. Xbox is a big piece of malware alright? Hopefully I will not have to replace more than once (rockband), and hopefully no other games will get eaten. Otherwise I am going to make some homeless guy happy with his own brand new slightly busted xbox 360.

shoot. PS3 works.

all kinds of alcohol

the wee hours are what they are now, but i seem to not feel very tired, so a brief donation to the blog fund before i try to hit the hay for some brief, although welcome, sleep...

quiet in videogame land, I took a look at our company's other big project the other day (if you're paying any kind of attention, you know what it is) - I hadn't looked at the thin in a good several months. let me just say = very impressed! Coming along nicely, as mentioned earlier I'd love to get on that team - time will tell. As for my own project, it is coming along. I have been making things shiny, lately..

I played through the rest of Uncharted:Drake's Fortune over the weekend (yes Normal difficulty, I am not a bad-ass!). In conclusion,t he game was very good - I am glad I played! I have a lot of respect for the folks who put that project together, it was an excellent job. I have to say my least favorite parts were the quick-time bullshit (it's been belittled by me before) - thankfully there was not an abundance of it. Still it did kind of take a good bit away from what would otherwise have been a more enjoyable final scene. Too bad! Anyway if you've a PS3, I heartily recommend the game - though you should rent it, it's not worth owning (unless you want to support the publisher, of course). It brings up something worth mentioning - games like this, they have little replay value if you're me. I mean, they spend all this time and energy and cash developing this wonderfully linear experience, after which I've no inclination to play through on a harder difficulty. There's extra treasures to find, but so what - collectathons are the bane of gaming's existence, well one of 'em. And of course the game doesn't feature any kind of branching storylines, so what else is left? All fo that is fine, but it hits me over the head - stick in some kind of multiplayer mode! Even if it is local, just do something. You've got this great engine, multi-purpose (adventure platforming, shooting w/ cover, and of course the drving/ski-doo sections) --> I wish they could have taken at least an extra six months and thrown some backend onto the thing. Or at least thrown another level of manpower at it. I know, being on the inside "that's a HUGE pain inthe ass, start of a new generation," etc etc - but it's something that's kind of taken for granted with all your Halos and Gears of Warses out there. If anything, it will make the game much more of a must-buy, instead of a might-rent. I suppose it will be sometime before that becomes more of the norm, yet - wait for your honest-to-godness multiplayer Mario and Zelda, you know? (Keep waiting)

Yeah, listen up Sony, I have a head full of half-decent ideas for you folks. Don't get me started on the Youtube thing, that could be PERFECT!

Anyway, I have a decent backlog of games to get to. Bioshock is sitting in my bag, I have played through a bit of it (I forget where i left off, I think the first big daddy sort of kicked my ass - or close to it). I haven't really played enough of the game to feel a huge pull from it. It is intriguing, but as I have mentioned earlier "I get the point." I guess I am kinda tired of hearing about it in the media though (enough already!) I mean, good to know they are making games like that, but still, go a little further, c'mon. Yeah, I say this in the same breath as championing Uncharted, which is about as cliche as one can get (did i mention, kinda too easy?), but in some ways that's really apples and oranges.

Busy times in Industry News, what with the latest madness being EA trying to gobble up Take2 (including Rockstar, of course). Sigh. Dominance War. This stuff perturbs me, I would already have gone on a decent rant about the Microsoft/Yahoo thing but this hits slightly closer to home. I don't know what to say, other than I am sort of apathetic about it. But mostly I dread the eventual "one console future" which is accelerating from the moves of these behemoths. Where does this leave the little guys, like.. me?

My next expectation, someone will make a grand bid for Bethesda. Maybe Epic or Valve as well. Next 12 months? 24?

Frontlines:Fuel of War released for 360 (and PC?) this past Monday. This was a title I came close to working on, but I turned it down for Project:Georgia instead. Of course with my morbid curiosity I have been keeping an eye on it, it looks like Call Of Duty did a sizable job of rewriting the FPS book as this game's out of the gate and looks a little weary - let's see how it handles. I am thinking another casualty of Unreal, for starters, but let's see if it picks up (hey, all is fair game until GTA IV hits the streets...soon). Good luck guys!

I have a weird feeling like I sort of hope GTA IV doesn't end up kicking too much ass - like, that it feels tired by now. Not my type of game, but the sandboxes never have been really.. and it's a genre I'd love to see get a major kicking-and-screaming overhaul, not just an aesthetic upgrade. I can't fault those guys too much, I mean Rockstar takes first place when it comes to following those games up with guaranteed quality. I just want to see the audience demand more. Something different, something interesting. I guess we have enough time in this whole generation to still be graphics whores, though..

Waiting on the mail. I have a Vectrex out there, also the Turbografx-CD (I believe the sought-after system card finally arrived, cost me a hundred clams plus shippin, owww!) Yeah and I don't even know if this thing will work properly. If it's not what I expect, i will sell it back and just go through the Xbox (hey, it's good for somethin').. but it'd be neat if it just worked the way I WANTED it to. Sometimes that actualy happens, somehow...

off the charts

yeah, cheesy i know. So i have been playing Uncharted (PS3) the past few days. My initial impression of it (boring, me-too game) was a little raised higher after looking at the demo, as noted - anyway I borrowed the disc from work and have been playing thru it. i am not sure how far I am into the game (a couple of hours?), but I am definitely enjoying it - it is addicting! Certainly not what you'd call a groundbreaking game, by any stretch, but it is fun, the story is enjoyable to witness as it unfolds - and the graphics are downright GORGEOUS, man. I am sad to see that the title came out during such a busy season, and seems to have got lost in the hoopla. It's absolutely a deserving game. Sigh, if it had only released a whole year earlier, right?

I managed to finish off Portal over the weekend. Such an impressive game! Not usually my cup of tea, but this one hit the spot, that's for sure (there's a joke in there somewhere). Those folks did a marvelous job, I am tempted to download the primitive predecessor (Narbacular Drop - or whatever it is called!) I played around with the 2D flash version of the game today, it was an entertaining diversion as well.

Lots of games have come into my life lately, I have been on a massive ebay kick. I will list them as I go through them I suppose, but I am particularly interested in checking out the old Yakuza PS2 game that arrived a few days ago. Oh well, after Uncharted, I suppose. Of more important note, I tracked down a working (so they say!) Turbografx-CD player. It's in the mail, eventually. I payed more for it than I'd have liked, not too terribly much more but even so.. and I still need to get the proper system card (I have 2.0, but need 3.0 to play castlevania + etc). Those look a little pricey as well. We'll see. The good part is, i can likely sell it back for close to what I paid for it, if I ever decide to (well.. to a point? Maybe?) Also I finally caved and ponied up for a vectrex (hint: don't ebay while drunk!) Provided it's in good shape, I think that'll definitely be worth it. I like unique/weird things. One thing is for sure, my spree is over after that!

mettle trakter

doofus wha's new? not much really, why do you ask. 3:30am, I am succumbing to the usual habit of wasting my hours away in the late-late-late parts of the night, doing silly useless things while the rest of the world sleeps (or, wakes up). The urge to pontificate takes hold and so i do, for a moment.

My birthday was recently, it makes me shudder to acknowledge my older-ness. Oh well. To (most of) my past girlfriends, it makes me shudder MORE to think of how much older that means all of YOU have become.. hahaha! As for the current one, well she is younger than me (yeah... still). So she is safe, for now. As long as she understands that once she hits the big three oh, she's out the door and replaced with a new model. Hey I need to keep trendy, you know. My CAREER - my LIVELIHOOD depends on it. Sorry sweetheart - we'll always have Irvine!

Anyway, things are okay. Life plods on, uncontrollably. Like a three-ton Sherman Tank ratcheting slowly thru the marshes of Time, dandelions and pollywogs being shredded beneath the teeth of its massive indestructible, unforgiving treads - big, stupid, aimless, pointless and heartless. Man, I love using the tank as a metaphor. That's like three skips away from the end of all metaphors.

Work is alright. It's getting on a year, for me, working at Obsidian. A year is usually a semi-big deal in my eyes, to be trumped only by the uber-important TWO-YEAR MARK. When will that happen? It's been so long, friends, so long.. let's not linger on it. Anyway perhaps this will be the year to break the curse. We will see. Check back with me in (ulp) '09.

Weather is sweet right now. It's been cold, somewhat dramatically so - not unbearable by a longshot, mind you, but definitely it made you think it was winter! Still, tis IS california we are talkin' about. Anyway the past several days have been dreamy good, and though I did not mind the cold, I do welcome the suddenly early spring weather. Whether or not that's due to stay, I don't know either (many things, I don't know...) but it's nice for what it is, right now. So long as it doesn't pick up with the (usually scheduled) rainy season - which, would be beneficial, actually, since that helps prevent crazy huge Coastal Fires, but in so doing they make my leaky roof drip. Anyway, things I have no say in anyway.

Trying to save money. With the new year, then my birthday, then a vegas trip, and a night out here, there, etc with the amigos, it's been hitting my pocketbook. I have been trying to cut back (stay in all weekend! don't go out tues night anymore!) and yes of course it's hard, but I am fighting. Started stocking my fridge at work with lunchmeat, sounds lame I know but saves so much money (@ $10/week for food, as opposed to .. @$50???) Something. That stuff adds up, mans...

Well, we'll see how long I last. Work's getting stressful kinda, lately. I WILL SURVIVE...

'night, all.

all is quiet

..on the videogame front. As it is a new year (well, just a little bit past...) I think i am going to try out a different format with this blog. I prefer to write only occasionally, and so when I do it turns into a long drawn-out semi-readable ramble. I think I will switch to shorter bursts of higher frequency. Let's see how it goes.

Not much is up in my Gaming Life.. is that an oxymoron? I somewhat regularly scour ebay for interesting deals, there's plenty of games out there that I wish to get my hands on (and so many of them are practically pennies cheap). Today I won an auction for Oddworld:Stranger's Wrath on Xbox for less than $10. Probably could have found it for half that price, I know! The series has never really tempted me too much (though it's got much acclaim), but I've heard much good spoken of this and as it's the studios' swan-song, I figured it could not hurt to have a look. Also I am stalking Metal Arms for Xbox (I have the PS2 port, but the "real" version feels much more worthy of a look) - I worked on that title, albeit very briefly. I want to pick up PS2 Yakuza as well, perhaps Xbox Dragon's Lair (I know, "whyyyyy?") Those Taito Memories discs would be cool too, I've not really looked for them yet. As there's a Wii in the house, there's plenty of Gamecube titles I would like to pursue. I could probably spend a lot less than $100 and get a nice haul and be done with it (I barely every played any Gamecube games - at all!), importantly I need to find that wireless Wavebird Controller. Those are tough to find, cheap - I might just chill out and get a regular GC wired controller to pass the time, until then I can't really play most GC games at all (not compatible with the Wiimote, and I haven't a classic controller - nor plans to buy one). High on my list is a Turbografx-CD, the actual player itself - the one I have is busted useless, and I'd love to be gaming with that thing! I love the Japanese CD-Rom games from that period, much more so than what we have now, really..

Not playing too much lately. We plugged in No More Heroes at the office, I might have to pick it up (to be supportive at least - that, and the game is hilarious and well-stylish). Still looks kind of boring though, where are the FUN games man? I am tempted to get my hands on Uncharted as well, I have spoke of it before and I think it's likely worthwhile - not really wanting to shell out for it, I think we have an office copy that I could sign up for. Still want to play Portal at some point..

Otherwise, it's just Rock Band. My girlfriend picked it up for me for my birthday (yah, I am spoiled!) It's just a fun party game, really. Usually only a singer, I have finally started messing with the drums (still haven't touched the guitar yet). It's fun, takes getting used to. It is fun to hit stuff, what can I say. Beyond playing the easy level, I can't hold my own - it still feels kind of weird. This game is amazing with the downloadable content, those guys are sitting on a goldmine and they know it. I am interested to see what else will come down the pipe. It is so funny to me how this has become some kind of a big cultural landmark, in some ways. Really funny... Otherwise, I downloaded Pixeljunk Monsters over on PS3. After looking at the demo of Pixeljunk Racers, I was pretty sure anything with that name attached to it would be horrid - but this game has got a lot of nice press, and they had it on a special sale (8 bucks I think) so, why not. Messed with it for a little while, I guess not long enough for it to "grab" me, but it wasn't horrid.. not yet.. I will give it some more time. My fave DL is still Pacman...!

Work is going alright, I told my boss I want to move over to the Aliens project when it's appropriate. I am still pretty psyched to get over there.. I have much to say about my current project as well (ohh.. I could start a separate blog all about that!) but as usual, NDA so I must keep my mouth shut.

The game scene is so mellow these days, quiet after the holidays. The world eagerly anticipates Smash Bros. and Wii Fit, at least - not much else on the horizon. PS3 Home? Does anybody care? I hear murmurs of 2008 being even wilder than 2007, but I would not believe that could be possible, no matter what! Last year was craziness. There's definitely more crazy times ahead, but I think we have a lot of room until it picks up. I say at least 2 years until things start truly lighting up again, but hey - prove me wrong!

curator of the indignant

what's up blogerino's? so does anybody actually read this thing anymore anyway? i used to write in here and see hits pop up on the counter - still do, but it is erratic. besides, i don't think i know what it means (is it actual people? web spiders? etc) No matter. Just curious.

Lots of things on my mind lately. I have had a whole catalog of things to put down in here, but honestly, a lot of it sees to be spilling out of the sides of my head lately - it doesn't matter, as I will always find a way to ramble semi-coherently anyway, I just wish I was better at actually capturing my more thought-provoking points. I suppose it's not terribly relevant at the end of the day.

Things are alright. As usual I'd love to rant about work in here (I'm quite adept at that - isn't everyone?) but for the obvious reasons I will refrain. Suffice it to say work's chugging along as usual, everyone is getting along. Some things are annoying, others are fine. I am happy to keep things going status quo, I suppose. Today I mentioned to my boss how I would love to be put on the other project - after all, it's the reason I joined up with this outfit in the first place - so hopefully I will get to go over to the department in some months. Man! I wish I could start right now! Even so, fair enough, I;ll stare at the carrot awhile longer - I would be pretty excited to get onto that project! (I'd never come home.. haha) As I always say.. "we will see what happens."

Sitting at my desk at home, I ran home around 8PM - ate a salad, watched a somewhat shitty mini-documentary about the party Island of Ibiza (somewhat shitty, but not horrible.. haha). It did succeed in piquing my interest a little more, making me want to go there. It feels a little extraneous to consider that, i mean - i live in the party CITY of Hollywood, and it's already tropical "enough" here during enough months out of the year. Still if I was oozing a little money, an excursion would be nice. I am sure a place like that, and a guy like me - it would add up to a fair degree of exhaustion.

So, I feel old lately. Not terribly old, but it's getting up there. I know I write about this a bit much, but for me it is a big deal - -I sort of live in the lifestyle of someone 10 years my junior, or so, and in many ways that is an ideal setup for someone at that stage of life. But I am NOT there anymore! I will try to hold onto it for as long as I can, but I do feel like things are changing. I mean, physically, I can feel things starting to show signs of slowing down a little. Considering the amount of abuse I'll routinely put myself through, I suppose it's only a matter of time for things to start catching up with me.. and so then, I am earning it, or something. I feel really weird, though, I feel like the personality i have, and a lot of the way my life is setup, they match really well but something important - something I needed to get out of my system, yet something I can not ever really define - something got missed. I graze it still, I get little glimpses/feelings of "what I could have been," perhaps what I still could be. Well, I am still here, and I still indulge in the things that part of my personality seems to require - but it's half-assed. I am two things, two people. Not bipolar or something, it's just my id and my superego constantly giving little jibes to one another. I suppose if I gave completely into one or the other, I'd find myself either completely happy or altogether miserable - I've no idea. So I suppose that is why I keep on as I do. Ah well.

Complaining aside (don't worry, I'll always complain!) I know I feel weird as things move into this next phase and my struggles of the past seem to be less relevant. I am working at this studio nearly a year now, and it's feeling relatively secure (now that I have written it, of course it's gonna bite me in the ass!) Honestly, so many of the things in my life seem so figured out by now. Something I have always wanted for, and yet it feels very anticlimactic in a lot of ways. I fear that about life.. and everything. Danger is exciting? Does that need to be a question?

I was talking to a coworker today briefly, we were speaking about our (limited experience with) traveling. I feel ashamed to be the age I am at, and know that I've not even scratched the surface, at all, of seeing te guts of tis world. I travel a lot in my mind, you could say.. but I am quite the homebody, the workaholic. I relish my base. But now my world seems tiny. I think te last times I felt truly free were when I struck out and randomly threw myself out into the mercy of the Crazy World. I've barely done it - though I suppose I have done much more than so many other folks - but again, as I get older, I realize that my youthful energy for tackling such things is definitely slipping away, with each day's passage. I am molded into a workman's life, and I need ot have my home base - I am a material person, like it or not - but my supressed spirit wants to forget it all and go for broke. Bah -- it is all talk. I've traditionally had to be pulled away kicking and screaming. Not quite that bad, but enough that it's established a pattern.. unless something heavy is going down, then I am gonna be right here, bolted into my chair, letting the internet show me it's fucked-up version of the world.

I look at my life and my attitude and realize something about myself - I'll never blame anyone for this, it's just my own fault. I've talked to people who've had that get-up-and-go mentality before, and I suppose I have attempted it on a relatively minor scale. But it's my programming - I get older, I feel more "trapped," I worry about the consequences. I want to light a fire under my ass and just go and DO it and say damn the consequences, and examine so much more depth that way, but I can't reach that feeling, something is blocking.

I had a friend who said something crazy to me many years ago. He told me about doing acid way back in college, and it completely altered his perspective on everything. He had been sort of reserved ad uptight before that, and the drug sufficiently bent his perception enough that he realized his stubborn, small-minded bullshit was exactly that - it changed him irrevocably. I have never done such a thing, my experiences with drugs have never been any kind of noteworthy in such a manner (alcohol has always ben my drug of choice) and yet - during these times, I think of my friend's story. his relating it to me has stayed with me for years, just as the actual experience has stayed with him (though, to a much lower caliber, of course). I sort of wish I could just "flip a switch" in my head and put aside all the murky grainy weirdness that keeps me from going to that place he got to, the fantasy of it is somewhat reassuring.. like a release. But then reality sets in, and I realize the important fact - I am TOO OLD for that stuff, there was a time in my life when that might have been appropriate but at this point my cement is too dry, my experiences have too-ingrained into my actual personality. I can't really retreat to "a different self," or at least not that easily. I'm.. not sure what it is that I need to et to that next stage. It's not some pill, it's definitely not a bunch of booze (that's more of a sidestep!), it's DEFINITELY not also "keeping working and trying to make money..." Despite the ideals that are constantly preached to me. No, i don't know what it is, and I have no idea really what I need to do to find that next stage, so i will guess that as long as I keep on as I have been, I will tread water for awhile.

It's not really a worry for me, despite my tone. This knowledge keeps me young, after all - the thought that "the next stage," the step into whatever further level of maturity that awaits, has not yet come and doesn't seem to be approaching anytime soon (hmm, chalk that up to living in Hollywood, duh?) I feel like in spite of my neuroses, what doom I may speak, I know myself and my spontanaeity (oh hell, i don't know how to spell it) always sees to do something to inject just enough friction/interest/eccentricity into my life that it keeps me steered steadily on this ultimately satisfying (if frustrating) path I am on.

Late. Almost midnight. I should wrap this up soon.

Last night I had some long important involved dream.. I forget most of it. I think a big deal of it was that I was leaving LA, I think I decided to quit and get out of this place.. or at least, get out of what all was going on in my life. I got rid of everything I owned, except for my car (which was kind of a very small winnebago - sort of). I would plant the thing in the middle of a National Park Reserve, or something, and just live out alone on the land, hoping the rangers would leave me alone if it was off-season. My Dad came to visit me, in his business suit - also my friend Adam from Boston (he's never been to LA, interestingly). An odd pair, but the three of us were eating at a diner and the two of them bonded over talking about football. They were watching some Russian Catholic Football League (yeah, I know). It was a weird feeling to wake up this morning, out in the middle of that field with no more of my material possessions, just my car that I could hop in and drive anywhere, it made me feel free.

ignore the sound of your own voice - MON JAN 28

sunday eve/monday am, sitting at my PC. i spent the night eating fondue, drinking newcastle, watching the boob tube. i downloaded a stupid man's film to my xbox, but it seems to have expired since i'd downloaded it (they give you a two-week time limit, i guess it's on east coast time.. or i added a day to my memory). Instead I watched a documentary on nanotechnology, and then a 1986 interview with Dr. Oliver Sacks. Same difference, wouldn't you say?

The nanotechnology doc was an interesting one - something which I may've written of before, in here. For the uninformed, basically it's the theory that machines can be built to build tinier machines, to the point where they operate on a subatomic scale, essentially - instead of using raw materials as we know them, the materials involved would be molecular or atomic, supposedly the building blocks of our material universe (as we know) - opening up the door for creation of anything, anytime, under any circumstances, essentially. A machine which can make anything else, including another machine which can make anything else. It sounds like science fiction but for anyone who has taken any kind of general chemistry (and biology) class, then it might begin to make some sense. We are still a ways off from having such a degree of perfect manipulation, by any stretch, but it sounds like it is coming sooner than one would think.. within two decades, perhaps? One needs only to look at the climate around us to get a clue - everything is pretty miniaturized these days, even moreso than it all was 10-15 years ago. Everything is significantly smaller, yet more powerful and noticeably cheaper than you'd have thought it would be. It sounds interesting in a trivial manner, to most folks, but to a certain group of people I think this would register as not only noteworthy, but also somewhat frightening. Change is good, but too much+too soon = out of control. Things are already out of control, and though the media loves to constantly remind us how much we are pushing the boundaries in all things, this new leap forward will literally demolish boundaries or everything. There are extreme sociopolitical and economical factors at stake here. If there's machines that can make everything, for everyone, all the time - money, time, and resource not being limiting factors - then suddenly worth and value come into question. Money becomes useless. Work becomes redundant. Never mind shipping routes or oil shortages. Yeah, the problems of food shortages will be a thing of the past - and the health industry/medicine in general will undergo quite a transformation - but will this herald the onset of a golden age, or the unraveling of society as we know it?

I suppose I am speaking in somewhat grandiose terms here "the end of the world is nigh!" but there is some truth in this madness. The rapid advancement of technology is a very real thing, something which we've only glimpsed at in relatively Junior status (at best!) so far. How quickly we forget that the modern age we've been enjoying, this atomic age, is still so new, barely two generations old (even that?) Once Pandora's Box has been opened, the mind races to consider the ramifications in even the broader strokes, witness what the World Wide Web has done done to society and business globally, in it's relatively short existence (it's not 20 years old yet?) Mankind struggles to catch up, in our folly we purport to still be "in control of all of this" when in fact we are at it's random mercy.

So.. is this bad? In keeping with the rhythm, "is it our fault?" Could we have avoided this path, and whatever good (and "bad") it trumpets? It's just nature, I would argue - it's part of the program, just the next step in evolution. We are the ultimate creature born of this world, all things considered - and now it's time for our ultimate creature to follow in our wake. This always happens, or at least it's the precedent that has always been followed, so why should it be any different? The most interesting part of it to me, is that though we have got quite a fear of it (look to popular fiction, for starters), we'll never be able to break free of our programming and properly steer free of this destination, I'd say it's impossible (barring any unforseen cataclysmic forces - like a superflu or an asteroid). If anything, things such as war are the only natural global impediments to progress (it divides humanity, sets back everything progressive) yet ironically war will doubly drive business and technology, to the degree where it doesn't merely even out the race, it actually accelerates things.

I suppose arguments could be made for all I say (such is the way things go), but generally one needs only to look at history too see where we've been and what we're capable of. Not only human history, but more importantly biological history. Now is truly a special time in that there's never been such a large stake (and such a perfectly-faceted system on such a relatively large scale, within our perception), and already we have been able to witness sweeping changes in such short amounts of time.

I am not sad, or happy about any of this - it's been my lifetime, and my parents' and grandparents' lifetimes, that this has slowly been building up a good head of steam, to the point where it's been an ever-present consideration for everything that shapes all the ways we think about "the not-so-distant future." Consider people who grew up in medieval times, they would look to their elders and figure that "yeah, I will pretty much be in that guys shoes someday" - some things might be different, but overall you were looking at the model of your future life right before your very eyes. To look at old people now, we get a sense of "well, that's at least what I will LOOK LIKE.. sort of.. when I am old..", but we aren't quite sure of what shape society and business and how it will all be tied together. Depending on your age, it's easier to tell, I suppose.. lifestyle, geographical background, education, all of that - and sure, all of those things have always played some significant part in the process to varying degrees, though never to the degree of importance that they hold now.

So, to all of that, I repeat - it's the world. It's not gonna stop. It's not just people, it's just nature really. We'll keep adapting and changing, societally, philosophically, fundamentally. Whatever changes are brought about, this is all from within us, it's really inevitable and part of our spirit, whatever happens to accelerate or decelerate the process. It's not to be neither happy nor sad, it is just what it is. Frightening in some ways, optimistic in other ways, overall just very interesting. From my vantage point, I can say I am not oblivious to the fact that I was born during a particularly interesting time in human history, with a really good view of things.

I try to shake this knowledge/consideration all up in my blender of a mind, with all the other aspects of my personality - trying to keep a somewhat liquid, adaptable philosophy, as best as one can. I am not a stone, but I do need my stability, my reassurance. I think we're never really taught, generally, to completely expect the unexpected, but rather to lean on our traditions and our culture. What, then, if our culture is about constant recycling and reiteration - ad planned obsolescence?

I guess another driving force that makes me type this, is that I watched another documentary last night about affluence, that is, the material over-dependence of our society - what humble origins it has grown out of, into the top-heavy behemoth it now resembles. I am no stranger to such things, but when I hear about this stuff it makes my blood boil a little. The oil crisis, et cetera - these campaigns all champion a "change-the-world" crusade, proclaming "we are going down the wrong path, we can make changes today to save the world of tomorrow!" Yeah, sure we CAN, but will we? Counter that further with my arguments above, we honestly do not know what the next world is gonna look like, beyond a few sketches here and there. Even if we did have a solid outline, how would we conceivably reroute all the generations-old systems that have been built up, in hopes of fixing things for a brighter future? Our society is not one that rewards reservation, rather it rewards aggression, brutality (to put it simply, bluntly). Genius brutality, anyway. Our country exists as an economic superpower, all of the main powerful businesses of the world trace their lifeblood through it's arteries - without that continues progressive rhythm, things would start to crash into one another, pile up, disjoint. Yes - there would be reconstruction, there always is - but reconstruction only comes after breakdown, not avoidance. Reconstruction is the only way to truly rebuild a system which is flawed, and a system of any depth can only be halted by suspension of it's operations - and then it's subordinate operations and subsystems - to the point where "all the screws are stripped," rendering it inoperable until replacement by a similar or superior system.

These are harsh facts - again, most optimists would argue with me, I would not blame them - but I'll always point to history, to nature as my star witnesses. ADAPT OR DIE! Okay, I need to bring in my laundry while dodging the rain.

tentativeness..

what's up community, long long time. As usual, much business has kept me from appearing in here. As I build some lights, I'll take a couple moments to contribute, then.

Very busy for me lately, work-wise. As usual I can't get into the specifics in this rather public area, but a lot of ups and downs for me professionally, lately. Things are pretty quiet with our studio publicly, but I'll say this much - we're very busy on all fronts. I checked out the "other game" (Aliens) a little -- well, from a distance -- and it's still got my eye.. very interesting.

SO, what's up in gaming for me... well, I guess I have a lot to say. I will write on it later, but here's a quick rundown - I got my hands on Mario Galaxy, which everyone lOOooOOooOOoves, I admit it's fun (though I get tired of that stuff!). I downloaded Sega/Bizarre's demo for "The Club" shooter the other night, anxious to go home and give it a spin. Also I hear the demo for Devil May Cry 4 is supposed to be out as well. Last night the office picked up a copy of No More Heroes, a title I have been looking very forward to.. I might pick it up! As expected, it's got some nice style. There's some things I would love to change about it - I hope it does well, they need to make more games in that vein. Give me more Godhand!

Mostly I have been playing an abundance of Pacman:Championship Edition on Xbox Live. This game is completely addicting! I was a Pacman freak when I was a little kid, but that was ohh.. so many years ago (like, more than twenty!) I enjoyed a resurgence with a serious Ms. Pacman kick shortly after moving to Los Angeles, my girlfriend at the time and I would often go to the local watering hole and sit down in front of the cocktail machine and just live in front of it for a couple of hours. So when I heard of this new version I was quite skeptical, as many were. Even playing the demo, I didn't really get "the point." For whatever reason, I took the plunge and dropped my ten bucks for the full version, and yeah, NOW I see the point! It's so amazing to me how they could take such a tired, old theme and completely reinvigorate it like this, the same old game feels so fresh and new. I would love to see more old titles mined in such a way for fresh gameplay. It kind of supports my general gaming philosophy, which I have trumpted for awhile - there's lots of wonderful gameplay conventions, already established, which have been sitting around completely ignored for too long - while the general gaming scene continues to get further cluttered with countless me-too rehashes with upgraded graphics. B A H ! ! !

Anyway, yah. The game is fun. I keep looking on Live to see what else will come down the pipe in my new favorite delivery method for burst gaming - so far, too much of it seems littered with blatant Geometry Wars ripoffs (yeah the game is good but come on, do we really need eight thousand of them?) I am hoping to see more 2D-style shooters. Omega Five was an interesting Forgotten Worlds style title (though it did not feel too fun, still I appreciate the principle). Rez HD, of course, is being prepped for release (though I doubt I need it, as I have the quite-capable DC version already - and no HD system to need to punch it through). Interested in Capcom's upcoming Commando 3, and of course Bionic Commando (we'll talk on that one later!)

late

another night staring at the build status bar. hopefully to wrap soon and get out and go home. i gotta swing by my friend's place to drop off some $$$ and then head to the homestead.. my place is kind of a mess, it needs to be picked up/vacuumed/laundered/dishwashed/etc. i try, i try. i open up my living room closet and i am greeted with a tower of CLUTTER. I want it all to just go away! when i see that stuff, it makes me feel like my life is all out of sorts, everything is disorganized, i don't know where anything is - out of control. Of course things aren't that bad for real, but that's the feeling i get when i look in there.

my bedroom upstairs, by comparison - it's EMPTY. there's a bed, and some clothes. of course it's starting to get a little overflow. Since i was a little kid, i've had issues with being able to feel comfortable enough to fall asleep for the night in a completely trashy room. this is probably a good thing right? Well anyway I am surely not OCD (not nearly) about this stuff. i do wanna have a clean home base though, where all my stuff is in order - sensible, unimposing. I guess I should get my car cleaned up for that matter..

Tuesday night, the Hollywood scene beckons me. Partying is beyond old, I mean like beyond beyond old, but it still feels very tempting to just let myself go and forget my troubles and turn my brain off for a night, kind of like getting lost in a stampede. The more time I spend here, the more homey it feels to me, with all it's warts. I am not too flush with cash right now, so I am gonna give my urge the benefit of the doubt that it won't *MAKE* me go out (that's right). Wish me luck. For now, I gotta hop in the car and hit the road.. tomorrow is another day.

nooo-NO!!!

ohh boy! coming into another phase of blog neglect, i suppose. that's fine. keeping an online journal is a pretty dumb thing to do anyway, if you think about it.

um, so life is very busy lately. yeah it always is, so no news there. some stuff i can't talk about in here is fiercely occupying me (well, i guess i'll say it's job-related and leave it at that). Otherwise things are pretty much going along as they normally do. My girlfriend started back at school last week, so i took my cue and went out on the town for a couple of nights (hey, it had been awhile!) I was quite wound up and raised some hell for a couple of nights, thankfully i kept the madness to a minimum. Going out = always fun, and though the novelty is long since worn off, it was good to go out and feel like it was still out there waiting for me. classic times, certainly. though on wednesday, i made it out to boardner's just a liiittle too late - it's the wednesday night spot, and i didn't show up till past midnight as i was at a karaoke bar up the street (no singing for me though). So i got stuck in line with the locals, waited about 20 min or so before giving up and heading elsewhere. Which is fine - i had my crazy night the previous evening.

But waiting in line still took it's toll. it made me feel OLD. I may not look like an old gy, but i certainly start to feel the part at times. listening to the kids in line ranting about waiting tables and stuff, and realizing that they're all... sigh.. i don't wanna think about how many years my junior they were. Mind you I am not old YET, but it's definitely past my mid-twenties by a longshot, brother...! To cheer myself up I hit a couple other little local places - they were dead, but they were friendly, and it was late, and I didn't feel like heading home JUST yet as my engine'd got all revved up at the karaoke place. You know what - seeing myself type this, right now, as it is it fills me with drive and vigor. It's only Monday but i could go for another week of the same. I WON'T (there's actually responsible things I must take care of!) but i do feel the desire to let Hollywood have it's way with me, some more.

Well, I guess I will be in vegas in a few days and I will be able to exhaust my stupid demons at that point. (Exhaust, not exorcise...)

Not much [artying for me these days anyway. Gotta save up money, and I am gonna be sinking in to much heavier work schedule as well. I need to unwind here and there to balance it (if i become one hundred percent work-machine-maniac, with no release, then I just become steeped in pointless-feeling misery). We have our animal sides, and they have to come out - I get tired of denying that, though as I get older, I do feel like it gets denied more and more. That pisses me off!

My health is mostly fine, though I can feel myself getting a little funky. My body has changed a bit the past 5 years, it's not "old!" but it's feeling worn from my lifestyle and mental state, and i can see how it's reflecting that. I have always been kind of lean, not necessarily "in shape" but never a fat ass, and i feel like i am encroaching on fat ass territory more and more. my diet and lack of exercise are doing little to resist that. My attitude is "there's just not enough hours in the day!" and i get more and more careless as time wears on. It's difficult - I have a lot of pressure and that kind of maintainence is just one more log to throw on the fire. I need to yank myself back into that direction, as it really IS one of the most important aspects of anyone's life - rather than continue to take it for granted, as I do. I don't know what to do -- well, i DO know, i just don't know how to find the drive in myself again. It's got to start somewhere, is all I know. I like to think I have not begun to approach the point of no return.

My girlfriend and I are arguing lately, and I am not sure why. It's not bad, but considering we have not argued at ALL the past year and a half (or so), it's been a little more frequent I guess. I am not sure what it means - I think we are hitting a phase where we've been together for a certain amount of time, and though we definitely enjoy our quality time together (more so, I would say!), I feel like we're sort of pushing on one another's boundaries a bit more to see what will happen. It's not really as.. playful or insignificant as I make it sound, but I have to say it feels like a natural thing in some ways. Not growing apart or something like that, just getting to another level as time passes and trying to deal with one another in.. a more closer way, if that makes sense. I won't lie - being in a relationship, anyone would have to agree, it is NOT the easiest thing in the world.. unless you are both completely stupid and simple people. Anyone who is involved with any other person over a prolonged period of time, of course they are going to have periods where they push each other's buttons for whatever reasons.

I've been through it before, of course, but each time (with each person) the dynamic is different. I guess that's part of me, also - when I am involved with someone, especially after "the honeymoon period" is wrapped up, I tend to get hazy on some big aspects of the previous relationships. Like, a lot of the stuff "how to deal with significant others from the past" gets blurred and feels irrelevant. I don't know quite how to explain it, and i guess the upside of that is that there's more novelty each time (says Ron the otherwise completely jaded person).

It's a little strange to write about relationship stuff in a public place like this, not that many people will ever view it (though some relevant people certainly will) - and I have been in hot water for such things before - but it is important to me, and what's up with my head right now, and I believe that so long as things are handled properly and (well.. without getting into particular details) than anything is fair game, eh? Believe me, there's a part of me that just wants to spit every detail of everything that goes through my head and my heart into this blog, but of course you can't really do that - but I'll take what I can get.

almost 8pm, I intended to get further with my work today (it was productive, anyway) however it is late and I need to meet my friend in Santa Monica. So, I'm off.