all is new that is old again also

and so we come to that time of the year when time becomes meaningless and te days melt together in cold confusion. back is forward, up is down, booze is guzzled, and money is wasted. Go! Go forward proud consumers! Waste your weight in gains, waste it on tinsel, waste it on horrible fat cartoon santa with no mouth giftwrapping, soend it on car bars, spend it on leather cell phone pouches while old forgotten war widows die in the streets.

McDonald's gift cards always sounded like the worst present anyone could give anyone else, EVER, but they sound strangely tempting now. Big Macs till you die, then (and they will see to it that you will). All is forgiven, right?

party on, wayne!

So, last Thursday evening was the Pandemic Holiday party at the Natural History Museum in LA. Like so many other hangers-on in the gaming industry, I crashed it once again (actually I legitamitely got my name on the guest list this time, which was not too hard to do as they'd opened the party up to the industry at large.. to a point, anyway). Exhausted from an already wild night the preceding Tuesday, I wentured out into the chill of the evening and dragged myself out to enjoy some free drinks and catch up with my ol' pals. I have to say, the night started off kind of rough but a few drinks in (and a few hours to dilute the crowd, some) and my mood lightened considerably - it was a fun time! Not quite the "blast" their last party (that I'd attended anyway, in 2005) was - still it was very satisfying and I was sad it wrapped up so quickly. Here's some random bald guy dancing while I am merrily stomping away in the background:


(too bad I didn't get more appropriate pictures - what'd'ya want)

Our own Xmas party looms this Wednesday night, I suspect it will not be quite so ridiculous.. but that's fine (I have partied a bit lately, I can take a breather).

This brings me to today's topic, camraderie in the games industry. I suspect I have written about it before here, if not certainly elsewhere - yes, though there is (of course) much competition between companies in the game industry, and I guess between job applicants, it's generally a very friendly place. Especially on my end (artists and designers), we typically seem to get along quite well with one another, and respect one another's positions. Sure, there's times when you might wanna wring a particular co-worker's neck (we're only human, right?) but generally I get the sense that in many studios there's a strong notion of team and togetherness, overall - we are working together on this production, and the majority of us strive to put our best efforts (and sometimes, our latest nights) to task in order to make one another proud - to keep up our ends and match the work of those toiling alongside us.

Likewise, when we pick up a competing studio's game, we look at it as something deserving of respect (when that is the case) - as opposed to just "we must crush them, all comers, for all that they are worth.. we will hear the lamentations of their women," and so forth. Generally, game developers are honestly the biggest game-fan geeks you're likely to meet, I would say. And I would say this is the case even in the situation of a competing title in the same genre, usually. The bosses may not be so likely to second that, but as far as we grunts go --grunt--. At any rate we can pick up a title and appreciate it from a particular point of view, as far as what kind of work has gone into it, the little bells and whistles, etc.

Frontlines Demo is out

So yesterday Frontlines (demo) was released on Xbox live. Eager to see this as I nearly took a job working for these guys, last March (decided to stay in LA instead). It' s been downloading all evening to my machine (yup, I got my Xbox replaced - FINALLY!) but I guess I'll have to wait until tomorow to finally check it out, it's going s-l-o-w. Also in the queue is Burnout Paradise, which will be interesting to see..

Tonight will be the Pandemic company Xmas party in Los Angeles, this should be a night of madness to be (somewhat) remembered. I went two years ago to their house of blues party, which was rather crazy - this one should top it, easily! The Crystal Method will be performing, and I suspect the booze will be free once again - Supposedly they are anticipating over 2000 guests - I have an RSVP, but geez...

I received Donkey Kong:Jungle Beat in the mail the other day, cool game! This is the one you operate with bongos - man, my hands HURT after playing that thing! Cool idea though! I need ot get a memory card, and then I will play thru it some more. Wario Ware twisted also arrived, I put it in for a moment - weird as ever, but that's good. Also, I am sad, the TurboGrafx CD Player I bought seems irrepairably busted - what a waste! Time to scour eBay some more, then (probably better to wait after Xmas, though). I plugged the unit into my TV and at least got the HuCards to run, it looked GOOD to see that running on the big screen once again - properly - after all these years!

shudder horse fern fear

GGRR.. Angry. I just typed a decent sized entry (not THAT big) into the myspace blog. Suddenly it decided to refresh and wipe out all I wrote. bah. i hate my life. I was extolling the virtues of myspace in that it isn't as clunky to enter text like in this blogger setup, but then it goes and wipes out on me.. bah, bah, bah... (hmm, i sound like a sheep). So then, where was I ...

things are alright. Another weekend has lazily drifted by.. not much to report I guess. Worked super-late Friday night, which resulted in much of Saturday getting wiped out by catch-up sleeping (and much of today, sunday, as well..) Last night we went over to Skillz' for a little get together, catching up with some buddies and some old co-workers whom I have not seen in awhile.. which is always a good thing of course. We played some Rock band (oh, my poor throat!) and even got May to pick up the bass guitar for a couple of songs - amazing, eh?

Today was a lazy, lazy day - lay in bed, watched half of the Matrix on TV for the umpteenth time, the end of Predator (man, i miss Arnold action movies) - fell asleep for much of the night. I wrote a long email to a friend of mine back east about "how to get a job in the game industry," those always turn into long drawn-out affairs.

My mood is alright - kind of feeling ho-hum lately. It is just an in-between period in
my life, I guess.. not bad since i am still working, so I guess I can not really complain. I feel like I need to find something to motivate me and get some locomotion in a lot of ways though. It's harder as you just melt into your routine, get older. I guess it is probably that way for most people, you sort of get into your rut. I have written this same blog entry so many freakin' times that it's beyond ludicrous. As we get closer to the end of the year, I feel older (as usual)
and redundant, "been here.. done that." I look up and down the boulevards ad muse about my crazy experiences of the past.. the good times, the traumatic ones. It feels so far away now, so.. dead since it's been fresh, new, invigorating. I still love it here, but the dark/wretchedness of Hollywood still stares at you from every crevice, it reminds me of those crazy feelings I used to have, when my world was going up and down at the same time. It's got me tired of it! I love it but, same as I have said for awhile.. it makes me want to be somewhere else. maybe just be someone else. I wish I could flip a switch in the back of my head, and forget a bunch of the things that have made me, me. "never have any regrets" I have always said, and I stand by it. I don't regret any of it. I am proud, I look forward to getting further. I just wish something didn't feel weird and misplaced in that way, that it always does.. If it was suddenly gone, I would be more mistrustful of it's absence, I guess.

Well.. seeing my friends this weekend was good. i can never seem to get enough of that, i guess it is the warmest thing in my life, and I never know how to properly express it. I feel kind of cheesy writing in this blog at times "oh blah blah here's how i feel" but honestly, when I am not just going nuts in my own head, I do think about how cool the people I have crossed paths with are, how special they are to me. Same with my family of course, and obviously my relationship. That last one is a touchy subject in particular (how can i pour my feelings out in a stupid blog about such things, when not only can everyone in the world read it - which is irrelevant - but that person in question?) I have got in trouble for such things before, so I try to keep that stuff close to my chest of course. All I will say is that reading this I probably sound like kind of a whiny guy in general - but I do appreciate what I have. After all that has passed, as I get older I actually find it harder to be in a relationship in some ways than it had ever been before, in some ways that maybe I cannot quite put my finger on. My head is a weird place for that stuff
- I think there's a big part of my personality that is always gonna be a loner, now and forever..

Strange, it has been a year now since the conclusion of my cross-country trip..

wii did it

Yup, so last weekend was my girlfriend's birthday, she was asking me endlessly for Wii "I want wii, i want wii!!" -- of course, I broke down and succumbed, sigh. I got her the system with an extra controller (with wii play) and the extra nunchuk controller as well (as most know, it comes with a single remote and nunchuk - but this system is designed to be enjoyed by two, at least). I must admit i have not previously played wii at all, except for perhaps an evening about year ago at a friend's place. Not too terribly impressed with it at the time, but i could appreciate what it was good for either way. Anyway, we opened it up last night and played thru the two game collections - I have to say, it is definitely impressive! Long on looks, but satisfying enough for what they are trying to do, this is definitely a system that is friendly to non-gamers. My girlfriend has little to no interest in games, but she definitely has been getting addicted to the wii ones. She begrudgingly picked up golf and couldn't put it down, for a couple of hours! She and her friends were yelling and screaming as they were competing with one another - I guess it was a good idea, eh? I guess i will pick up a party game like Mario Party or Smooth Moves or something for her, next..

Weirder, I bought the same setup for my PARENTS for te holiday. My parents who've not played any kind of video games since the early 80s, they would play pac-man and centipede with me when I was a little kid. They have NO interest in videogames, whatsoever (well, my dad will try to pick up Pac-man now and again, my mother bought him a little TV Plug-in unit a year ago). So this will be the ultimate test to see if all the wii marketing is for real! Actually, I wouldn't have laid out the money if i thought it would be a waste of time, i do think they'd get a kick out of it (at least the bowling and stuff like that). I'll have to twist their arms to get started with it - we'll see how it goes.

Not much game news on my end, I guess. Another week of working hard, and waiting for my 360 to get replaced. The store I bought it from has a replacement policy, but at this rate I should probably send it to M$ and deal with them. Sigh.. pain in the ass!! At the end of the week, I may be the owner of a PS3, if not the week afterwards.. Otherwise, not playing much - just Gameboy B/W version of Tetris Attack, the puzzle mode. Thinking man's game.. "clear the level in 2 or 3 moves," sounds boring but it's well-put together and endlessly captivating. I have stared at it for a long time.. it makes me feel really stupid though. If I don't get on too late with writing this blog, I will likely refresh my Micro with some new games (at last!) It's been like 2 years since I have done that, and I still don't "need" to.. I stand by what I have said before, if all my other systems had to go, so long as I could hold onto my Micro then it would not be awful (I will be sad the day the special battery dies, though!!!)

Ebay-wise, I ordered Donkey Kong:Jungle beat for Gamecube (play it on the wii), it is a platformer that you control with bongos (!). I guess it was made by the same team that made Super Mario Galaxy (though, a couple of years earlier). It's got a lot of praise, and with the bongos it was pretty cheap - I look forward to firing up this particularly weird sounding game! I also ordered a copy of Wario Ware twsited for GBA (the one you have to twist the GBA around with - obviously). I enjoyed the very first Wario Ware GBA game, and this one is supposed to be the "best" one. Note that I borrowed the same from a friend, about a year ago - I had it for maybe six months, never even touched it even one time! But hey. I love weird, off-the-path games like that, and I was able to find it for about 10 bones.. why not.

I have Space Raiders and Mega Man:Network Transmission sitting in my cabinet, I was hoping to finally get some mileage out of them on the wii - no such luck, i need a non-wii-remote to play them apparently! I will have to dig one up, somewhere.. No hurry.

Recently I mentioned that I have acquired a TG-16, I brought it home but as it's lacking a proper controller, it sits waitin in abox. I found a direct-sales company that will let some new controllers go relatively cheap (cheaper than used versions on ebay!) so i will get one shortly. I have a CD unit with it as well, which I still have to check to see if it works !! I have been leeching old PCE ISOs off the net in anticipation, and found a guy who is selling a system upgrade card (to play Dracula X). Yeah, so nerdy, but it's cool - I always wanted one of these! I will be sort of surprised if it all loads, of course.

Work-wise, not much I can say (as usual). Lots of interesting times going on over at Obsidian, our Xmas party is a week away. Late this week will be the Pandemic party, which I'll likely show up at (along with abut a trillion other drunken marauding folks). Yeah, good to schmooze, esp. since no E3 this year, boo! I went to a Pandemic party 2 years ago, it was a wild mess - I expect this one will be along those lines, we will see. A bunch of late nights behind me from last week, hopefully the load will be a little easier in this coming one. Technical times too, might I add.

Alright! It is late. i wanna mess with GBA before passing out. Until next time..

shell out!!

another laaaaate night. when i should be sleepin'. but instead, i sit here.. wasting the night away, wasting my life away...

things are alright - i had a mellow-ish week at work, i mean it was one of those weeks that literally whipped by like a whirlwind.. no bother. it's a little unsettling, anticlimactic even. i feel like there's some weird pressure going on that i am either ignoring (yay! denial!) or manufacturing in my head - yeah, i do that. I will settle at saying "it is a little bit of both." Anyway i guess it's good that things feel kind of mellow lately, even though there's something off about it. in spite of my urges, i hope it kind of stays mellow for an extended period. i need to have some flat-land in my life for awhile.

last weekend was may's birthday, a bunch of folks were kind enough to come over after work on friday night and celebrate it with her. we had a bunch of food (her cousin brought a ton of shabu shabu, some other friends brought plenty of other stuff, and i fortified the icebox as well). it was nice, and we had fun! I got her a wii for her birthday - se had been incessantly nagging me for it "i want a wiiwiiwiiwiiwii!" ENOUGH ALREADY!! Bahhhwah. But she seems to dig it, she and her friends had a blast with it the following night. That's cool! I think they were onto something when they put that thing together, honestly...

I guess the rest of the weekend melted away. Sunday I worked - no partying this week, though i did catch a comedy show last night down near the west side. I used to be a regular for that stuff, it was weird to be back (but it was cool). I think the best part of the night, for me, was just hanging out in a different part of TOWN. I am spoiled, but i get so sick of being in the same place all the time - I find myself feeling tired/bored of where i live since i just haunt the nearby areas, if i am not at work. so it was nice to stroll into a random bar down that way, after the show last night - get a jolt that there's a whole city built up all around me and just past my boundaries..

I relaxed at home tonight, alone - i feel like i don't do that much anymore (in like.. years). It's either hanging out with my girlfriend, or partying - all the time (and I odn't exactly party very much anymore). I guess all the time i spend by myself is driving to work, taking a shower, or sittin' on the toilet. Sometimes it's nice to just chill out and turn your brain off (awake version) is all i am sayin'.

I have a lot to say, a lot on my mind - but i lose the words for it more and more, lately. i don't know how to describe it, and that frustrates me. i will chaulk that up as an internal problem! mostly it feels kind of useless to satisfy that urge to even "go off" anyway, and to be honest writing in a blog doesn't do much to alleviate things. Not that I want to abandon this, but I feel like I need a different outlet than the ones I have been pursuing. I always have more and more interest in the world around me, but it seems as time passes that there's less time/energy/motivation to investigate that which is not an arm's length away.

By jove - am I becoming boring?

for crying out loud

yeah, well, isn't htis technically one of the Four Signs of the Apocalypse? Wait, I forgot.. the world actually ended sometime in the mid-eighties. I think when Knight Rider got signed for a fourth season or something. Most would say it was the seventies, but in all honesty I do believe it coasting on fumes for a good several years. Good for them!

No, but really, this is madness. Well, not really. This is just.. self-fulfillment of prophecies, really. The entire industry is slowly turning into a High School Statistics class equation, from here on out. Put all the big (and mid-) leaguers into an array and squish them through the sausage machine. If P then Q, if not P then not Q. If A and B buy C then D will merge with E while F gets extremely white-trash rich. And that, my friends, is why I work in the videogame industry, as well. Usually when I wanna write a reactionary post to something as bamboozling as this, I get all rambly and postulate-y. But at this point I am getting tired, as the fantastic becomes normal - I will wait and read about it on the forums along with everybody else.

Though I must admit, it does hit rather close to home in some ways. Consider this - I used to work at Swingin' Ape, when it was a tiny dev (@15 people?) which was down-the-road acquired by Blizzard and turned into Blizzard Console (Starcraft Ghost, version 2.0.. roughly). After my departure from SA (a brief tenure, mind-you) I got an art test from Tha Blizz while WOW was in production - they sent me a Tree to make ("oh whee, here's a tree"). I had just departed from OC, having sworn never to set foot on it's wretched soil again, and as I'd just settled on trying for work with either Treyarch or Left Field, the Blizzard tree was left out.. in the cold (you see what I did there?) A couple years down the road, I had left Left (working for Activision, Actually) and another year later I was makin' skatey games at Neversoft. Gun was wrapping up, and Tony Hawk 7 was in full swing - Neversoft's glory days as "Activision's Golden Dev" were pretty done, but they were still pretty popular as those things go. A couple of years at NS and then outta there too, and six months hence - guess what? I am working at Obsidian in OC, just a couple miles up the street from Nobody Beats the Blizz (clearly.) In fact my girlfriend, last year, lived on the same camps in which they were stationed (I heard they just moved this weekend). Point being, I work in OC, which is videogame-wise steeped in Blizzard's shadow. Everybody here plays that game. Dudes here have worked there, some have left this place for that one. Why haven't I tried to get back there? Oh. I have my reasons. More than ever, I resist the great conglomeration, but I know that my days, too, are numbered, the way things are going. Not necessarily working at the newly-crowned AB, but at some place which'll get snapped up again by some big-ass megacorporation. Anyway, best not to think about how much money my alternate-universe doppelganger is belly-flopping into, because it's no all about the money anyway (though stability and respect, those are other issues altogether). I guess many people are excited about these things, well.. so many are nervous and anxious about what it all means. Me, I get a chilly feeling "it is all too soon, it goes too fast.." I try to keep tabs on as much as I can, in my tiny speck-like state in this all - as ever, I wonder where I will end up and if when the time comes (if I've not fallen overboard) whether I will be happy or unhappy to get sucked up by whatever overbloated monolith. Yeah don't forget, I have had checks signed by Activision before. Hell even Vivendi, a couple of times.. right now, technically, it's Sega.. but it's always a different degree, what is all means.

turbo-power!!

yeah so some dude at work put his Turbografx-16 console and collection up on the for sale spam-list. I shelled out $75 and got a console, CDrom, (broken-ended) joystick, and @40 games. FORTY GAMES! Only like 3 or 4 CDroms but hell, 40 game cards!! That's rad.. he threw in a sega 32X (with Star Wars) to even it out. But.. hell!! I always have wanted to get my hands on a genuine Turbografx-16.. I know, the emulation is pretty well covered at this stage (and of course they support a lot of the good games on the Wii Virtual Console) but there's always something about getting your hands on "the real deal" that's just a little more special. I have always admired the system, I borrowed one from a friend sooo many years ago (sigh.. like.. 20 years ago. You do not know how much it pains me to type things like that...) and would have bought one if the Sega Genesis didn't edge it out in the Race of Awesome Things, at the time. Hey, the Genesis was TRUE 16-Bit, what's a kid to do? I remember those days, the early 16-Bit wars.. the TG-16 (PC-Engine in Jamaica, errr, Japan) was actually 8-Bit with a custom 16-Bit processor. Sega's device was actual full-on 16-Bit hardware, with the promise of games "direct from the arcade to your living room," and they had the machines out at the arcade (and translations coming home) to prove it. Obviously Turbo was no slouch either, with some very nice-looking titles to pick up - though they were more colorful, they still lacked that certain je' ne' se quois that Sega had. It was a tough choice but one that I never regretted.

This stack is worth it for the $$$ alone. Blazing Lazers. R-Type. Star Soldier. Legendary Axe. Galaga '90. Ninja Spirit. Fantasy Zone. Klax. Splatterhouse. Sinistron. DUngeon Explorer. Neutopia. Victory Run. Bonk. Drgaon's Curse. Where the hell is Devil's Crush? Oh well, can't have them all. There's a bunch of other 2nd and third rate crap in there also... but hey. Close enough. Xmas came early! To top it off I scored a NES Bubble Bobble (though I will rather prefer to play Parasol Stars on the TG-16.. I am covered!) Man, old games rock. Now I need to find a dude who will sell me a Turbopad for under $25.. (and yet.. I would still prefer that my $X*@ 360 would just get freakin' fixed.. maybe next week!) I take it back, these games are still more fun!

I have a little list going of retro stuff I'd love to get my hands on.. a Turboduo (still, though not for what they ask for it.. bah!) A Colecovision would be rad, with a load of games.. I would never say no to a 2600 (though honestly, the whole setup would be quite an eyesore and surely end up in the back of my closet).. A Virtual Boy would still be cool (though i DO have a busted on in the back of my closet!) And I guess above all else, I'd like a Vectrex setup. Most coveted, however, would be a Mame Cab.. done right. One day I will shell out the necessary cash, but I can wait 'till I am able to afford such things. Mame's not going anywhere.. right?

just don't do it, man

another freakin' sunday night. another freakin' journal entry. what it's been, uhhh... 3 years i have been writing in here. THREE, EXHAUSTING, YEARS. Yes, three years is nothing to a normal mortal, but to a subhuman like myself.. that is a different story, I guess you would say.

So here's the quick summation.. regardless of whether or not I've used the word properly, i don't care... work is busy. well.. it's weird. As usual lots to say about all of that, but like a good boy I will refrain, haha. Tuesday night I caught up with an old buddy who's recently moved back to town, we got out to my favorite club and met some other friends there. It was a really good night after all - I had been there a week earlier and had a draggy time, but this night was spot-on. There was a band of longhairs on the back stage wearing matching upside-down pentagram jumpsuits and jamming out metal mayhem with melodies lifted from old 8- and 16-bit videogames. Man I was in Ecstasy, I tell you.

We got out early from work Wednesday, I stuck around for a while and then headed to my girlfriend's place up the street and had pre-Thanksgiving dinner with her and her roommates, which was fun. GOOD food. Good times too. They actually got me to play Twister (it hurt!) and even some Blackjack.. well.. some rule-wretched variation of it, to some degree. Actually I must admit I've never really played most card games to any degree (pretty much just.. Crazy Eights!) Sadly. Yeah, so I am not a real man, what do you want. I also do not shave with a "real" razor either. But hey I can change a tire.. back off. Anyway cards was fun, I'd like to get more into it. I can see the appeal (I like to gamble, fortunately it exhausts me pretty quickly.. can be a rush though!) Next day was Turkey Day of course, some former coworker friends of mine invited us to their place in the Valley. A few folks showed up (we were pretty packed in!), they made a Turducken. Actually I think they must have shoved at least TWO chickens in there. Anyway all the food was extremely delicious, and I had a couple of beers to mellow out as well. All that's well and good, best of all is just relaxing with my buddies and enjoying the company more than anything else, to be honest. We watched some horrible movie then headed home quite late.. Next day, I am trying to remember.. oh yeah, no surprise, next day was a lot of sleeping. I made it to Mong and Skillz' place that night and as they'd just bought the new Rock Band game for Xbox, we hooked in and hammered on that thing for several hours. Lots of fun, though my voice was pretty destroyed from karaoke at the end of it (though I cannot wait to do it again!) Late in the wee hours my drinkin' buddy and I split the place and rocketed over to Hollywood to visit Spider Club, after hours so we snuck some booze in. Low points of my life, friends. I don't wanna get into details (it's not THAT bad, just sort of silly.. uh.. pathetic) Whatever, the club was not so fun. Crappy crowd. Crappy music. Unfriendly people.. but whatever, it felt good to be pulling myself out for a long long night of times gone by. It had to be done! Saturday was running errands, brought my girl all over town for shopping purposes (well hey.. shopping.. WHO CAN GET ENOUGH OF THAT??) and then May wanted to watch the gay cowboy movie (it's been a long time coming, haha) so I relented. I have to say that was a sad damned movie. Passed out for the night.. had weird dreams about Fred Flintstone on Wikipedia (?) then rose and headed into the office today. My tire blew out on the freeway into work, so I pulled off and stuck the spare on, then got assraped by Goodyear - at least it's one less thing I gotta worry about (for now!)

Also, to top it all off, my Xbox is still in limbo. What oh what has a guy gotta do? I guess I'll never get to watch Pootie Tang at this rate! LIFE SUCKS.. HARD!!!!

Anyway, so there's my life at the moment, drama and stress et. al. notwithstanding. I guess I am alright.. the usual mix of goodtimes and weird feelings and trying to keep my nerves from bubbling over. After the tire blew I was starting to feel a little migraine wanting to rear in. I feel like I have sooooo many stupid little things in my life which are practically held together by duct-tape. Nothing too terrible, and for many who read this it would sound like I was being beyond petty. Which is probably true, to say the least.. but that's my personality, and more than that, it sort of colors how I feel about my whole condition in general, in some ways. Yes my health is fine. Yeah I have a cool job and great friends/relationship/sense of humor (thought I would sneak that in) and etc. But over all of those things I feel like there's some precariously placed things in my life, like i am just waiting for something to ignite some crazy chain reaction and topple the whole thing. I am not worried about dealing with it, I know so much of it is just chaff and I can usually pull myself out of whatever red tape I manage to get snared up in - but it gets tiring to think about that process. Being the natural neurotic guy I am, I maybe focus a little too much on those nuts and bolts (and spend time writing blogs about them) as opposed to saying screw it and just letting shit fall where it will. That's my personality, and it's what makes me ME - I concentrate on all the stupid minutiae of the world, it fascinates me, I obsess over it, it rules my tiny mind and my thoughts. I wish I could slap myself and get over that bullshit sometimes, snap into the bigger picture and just take it a day at a time for real. In my way, I do. I am not a quivering pile of nerves, not really. But I can see it getting more commonplace in my life, the older I get. The little fires that don't get patted out, they grow slowly bigger. You can only cover so much ground at once and still just be "a simple person."

I don't think it's within the bounds of one such as I to decide "to be a different person," and I know I have consciously stated in the past that I would do exactly that. I sort of have, in some ways, but I think it was more of a cause-and-effect type of thing. And.. hell.. this whole getting older thing, it's really pushing the issue. I can't get over the fact that "yeah I am supposed to be a Man now," and still I live in this completely crazy surreal town surrounded by all these weird freaky creatures with their fucking complicated bizarre personalities, working in this ridiculously idiosyncratic obsessive-compulsive immature buttlovin' industry. It all really adds up if you think about it.. how could all of this NOT rub off on me? Where's MY nervous breakdown?

Ah well. I still have my outlets. My sense of order and logic, my responsibility sustains me (well enough to keep on keeping on). When next the canoe tips, where it will point me is anyone's guess, but at least i have the virtue of history to keep me from feeling like a naked skinned-knee freak in a miserable pile of despair if that happens (haha.. dramatic.. I am not so weak and without resource!)

At times.. like now.. I wish I could write so many other things in here, I feel like I have a huge wealth of things I have processed and pondered in my head, things I think about people, places, feelings.. events.. all the things and notions and episodes of life, that for some reason or other it would be kinda detrimental to mention in a (relatively) public place. I look at what I actually HAVE wrote above and feel like "oh man that's so neutered, so empty, the guts of what i am feeling, what i want to express, they are all being dutifully emitted.." It makes me feel at first like a liar, a coward, a two-face. Then I ramble about it down here saying "yeah I am a shiny asshole going on about nothing-bullshit for no reason in particular, but there is backbone to some of this stuff, trust me..." The only naked I can be is in just mentioning that much, and leaving it up to those who know me and have been through things with me to get a glimpse of the notion of what I go on about. And the rest of you, well, sorry folks, but like you I am a person, so just fill in your own wildest dreams and fantasies, your own pseudo-subconscious escapades for my own, perhaps some of the weirder things you can dredge up, or the more mundane which to my perspective might seem a little more wackified. It doesn't matter at the end of the day.. I like typing, I suppose.

party on!!

whew, yah, time to fill into my neglectef video-gameo-lame-o blog once again. man. i just don't have TIIIIIME to write in this thing anymore. which is a shame since there's lots and lots to say, especially lately.

anyway, first order of business:

My officemates picked this $170 monstrosity up early last week and I would hear them wailing it down the hall while i was trying to work (hence why I have come in to put in some weekend hours, since it's nice and calm and peacefully quite at the moment). But yeah we all knew this would be interesting, for sure. My buddy in Hollywood picked it up as well and we gave it the once-over on Friday night - this game is fun! Not much for Guitar Heroics, I screamed and shrieked into the microphone till my voice was getting hoarse. Our band "Slutty Balls" kicked all kinds of ass. I can't wait to play some more! Drums looks fun also, I tried for a moment but thrown in mid-game with no warm-up and I completely fell apart. I can think fo some design choices (Simon Says-inspired) which might make that a little easier to swallow. Rock Band - party game of the year!

We went to some Neversoft friends' place for Turkey Day and powered up with the Wii. I have to say I have not really touched/seen a Wii (hold those jokes please.. aww) for just about a year. We were messing around with Mario Galaxy, a good looking, likeable-seeming game. It struck me how simple, easy the graphics are. They come across as solid, but that stuff is like .. BABY solid. I could whip out some levels for a product like that in no time flat. They are pretty long on details. It works though. I will always speak in favor of style. Also played some Wario's Woods (NES Flavor) on the Virtual Console. Never played it before, though the game (SNES version) has sat on my shelf for at least a year and change. Weird game.. it's got much praise. I can't say I enjoy it yet, but I will give it some time to grow on me (it's got a notable pedigree).

My Xbox 360 is sitting boxed up in a pile beside me. This sucks!! I had the thing running for barely 3 weeks with nearly no play on it.. all demos, really. I have to say, the demos have been great, for the most part - completely worth the investment. I could just kick back and play Geometry Wars, Lumines, Pacman CE, etc. At least! Hell the Skate demo was terrific, even the new Tony Hawk demo (in spite of popular opinion) is well worth it, I would say. Now.. ASIDE from demos.. I took home the office copy of the much-lauded Bioshock, and checked that thing out for a couple of hours. 1st time since I have had a 360 that I have truly played a game from a disc that wasn't a demo or a.. Yaris (don't get me started. GOTYaris!). But yeah. I got a little ways in. I was looking for Telekenesis.. however you spell it. Then BLAM the thing just froze up.. what.. whatever. Reboot. Play again and five minutes in FREEZE-UP AGAIN!!! This is bullshit now. Okay, reboot. Uhm. Reboot? Please? Where is the picture? Is my switchbox f'd? I plug directly into the side of the TV. I am hearing the normal boot audio for the system.. but no video. NO SIGNAL. NO SIGNAL. You wasted your money, lame-ass. Screw you, TV, I say. I pakced up the system and brought to the office with me on Monday. Tried different cables. Nothing. So it's dead. I got a 1-year warranty through the reseller. I come in and wait in line "we ain't got any replacements, too bad it's almost XMastime! Come back tomorrow" Yeah so I come back tomorrow "Come back next week, we got nuthin' for ya" So I come back (well, call) "We got nuthin' till middle of NEXT WEEK." Screw you guys. No, really.. Actually, screw me. I should have known better. You get what you pay for, and M$ already has their reputation stable-360-wise. That was ridiculous. Anyway, hopefully I will have a new working one beofre the New Year. Hopefully they will let me transfer over my Live account without any more migraines. Yes, now I am just bitching endlessly, but why shouldn't I? They charge hundreds of dollars for this stuff, and then I gotta run all over the place for it to just do what it is supposed to anyway? Well. like I said.. not a huge surprise. Yeah, well, I look forward to someday seeing more of Bioshock, that much I will say. For now.

crack is the best when you smell like it

hello Demon World Of Deathly Bloggings. Welcome back to the insanitarium whenceforth my dark stupid mind wanders. Watch out or the flying clocks or burning geese will melt all over you.. make you fight.

It's sunday night (err monday morning, as of four minutes ago I suppose). Sitting and catching up a little with my neglected-of-late blogs. I use that term (or similar) quite a lot lately, as i don't seem to be so slavishly involved with writing in here anymore. Well - i get tired of it from time to time, and like anything, it's good to back off and get away from it for awhile. Let things refresh. Or something.

Things are alright. It's late in the year, as I always mention "time is going by too fast.." I can't believe thanksgiving 2007 is merely a few days away. Well that's cool and all, i guess. Growing up, Turkey Day always felt like my favorite holiday (well, nearly!) Yeah okay the one with the gifts was still better, but Thanksgiving was always great because it signaled the beginning of that time of the year, when I could look forward to getting new stuff - and also the time off from school, the kind of exciting energy of it being winter and all that involved (when you're a young stupid kid, the snow and cold is more exciting than annoying). Yeah, it was a cool time. The smells of what Mom was cooking in the kitchen filled the house. There was a weird, busy energy, but always happy. And now, of course, I'm all grown up, Thanksgiving is becoming more and more "just another holiday" and for guys like me, every holiday is really about a day or two off of work where I can hopefully sleep in a little late, and maybe get together with some friends to have some drinks or something, and some... nachos.. (yes, they are multi-holiday functional). I do miss the excitement of holidays from being a kid, to whatever capacity.. Anyway, I am happy to cruise on through to the end of this year, and I am sketchy about what it will all mean (this happens to me a lot, in recent years.. SEVERAL recent years!) As more time passes I don't like to think about it, more than necessary - it's just a fact of life, this unstable one I lead. I want to make smart decisions to hold onto what I have, but of course - not at the expense of possibilities. Yeah, so I am fickle "Oh I want this! I want that! No, opposite!" Damn.. The whirlwind of drama loves to have it's way with me. Anyway I don't really feel like going into what's up right now. Anyone who knows me generally hears things come out of my mouth and what implications those things might mean. So that being said, I guess, it is business as usual.

Picked up some tickets to fly back to Boston for New Year's. It will be strange, we'll actually be flying outta LA the day after Xmas (hey, listen, Jews don't celebrate Xmas alright? We get Chinese Buffet and then go to the Cineplex). I'll bum around town and see my friends and family for a few days and then head back to the West Coast on the first (gotta be back in the office January 2). Noteworthy that this time I will be bringing my beautiful girlfriend with me, she's never been to Boston before. neither has she met most of my friends from back East, nor my folks. Also she's not really been exposed to shitty freezing snowy weather too much either. So yeah, um, this will be an interesting trip I bet..!

I have been really busy at work. Really REALLY busy. Last week was the first week in some time that the load lifted, at least a bit (well... I didn't close the office at all or work last weekend). So it's been a little lighter on my conscience. Things have still been weighing heavily on my mind notwithstanding.. work's got some weirdness to deal with these days, socially some other things have been weird. I have been kinda depressed, and feeling generally stupid for feeling that way. Nothing I cannot handle, anyway. I spent some time with the lady this weekend, we went out to see the new Beowulf movie last night. She hadda drag me to it (I had no interest in it, really) but I ended up enjoying it for what it was. Did not realize that it was another fully CG movie (they did tons of mocap, so it's not necessarily "straight CG" if that makes sense). But yeah I was impressed, they are getting far more photorealistic by leaps and bounds. Nerdy to talk about, but relevant to consider (hey, it is my line of work, relatively). Someday in a "few years" games will be there too..

Also May cooked a nice tasty lo-carb dinner (did i just say "lo-carb?") for me last night, which was awesome.. BIG POINTS! Man, i live to get fed.

I have to mention,, i snagged this game "Bioshock"from work to mess around with this weekend, one of the highest-rated titles released this year. I played it last night for a couple of hours, then booted it up again tonight.. and.. MAN. Okay I got the Xbox 360 maybe 3 weeks ago, and granted - it's refurbished - but HELL, when I ran it tonight, it crased on me. twice. Just fing froze. After the 2nd crash, I could not get video to output. Thinking it was the connection, I plugged into a different video input. Nothing (audio coming through fine though). I skipped the switchbox altogether and plugged straight into the TV. Nothing. Nothing! Dammit, I just BOUGHT the thing! So glad i got a warranty with it. That thing is going back tomorrow. I joked it would die nearly immediately, but i didn't think it would be this terrible. What a travesty, how can they manufacture such a faulty error-ridden piece of garbage? It's one thing if the thing is cheap or "off-brand" but come on. Anyway enough has been said in the media about this stuff so I won't do any good to add fuel to the fire, but I do wanna say this - it is our fault as consumers to put up with this shoddy workmanship en masse. I mean - people buy expensive things (ahem, ipod) all the time which die after like a year or two of service. granted it's new tech but still it's a couple hundred dollars you've invested. Just WORK. Just WORK RIGHT. Just test the thing in the first place. Charge an extra 15 bucks. I don't care. F this. I look forward to getting a PS3, at least I expect that thing to hold up for a few years.

A lot of stuff on my mind lately.. as usual. My philosophy is a little tired these days. I am trying to batten down the hatches and not think too much. Just do my job and try to have good times with those I care about. I have been partying a bit (not too bad) but that's me, I dip in and out - it is in my nature. It feels largely useless in my life lately though. i can't really completely turn it off (don't want to, it's still a part of what I am) but the fun times of letting loose feel dead and buried. For the better, I guess i must say. makes me sad to say it, always.

I feel stranger as I get older, and somehow, upset by some tings I realize. I am stuck in this weird pattern, I will never feel like i have really bridged the gap between "man" and "child" in so many ways, like I always thought one would naturally feel. I know stuff, i have been places, I have experienced good and bad things.. but i still feel stunted, running in circles, trapped in a bizarre limbo of uninteresting non-progress. My childhood hobby has solidified as becoming the center-point of my career, in so doing it's robbed me of a hobby in some ways. Makes me feel like i am always forever indulging that childish urge, and surrounded completely by others who do the same and are more (foolishly?) wrapped up in it than i.. or maybe I am taking it too seriously (nah!) In the background I have accomplished things, i've a good salary but can never seem to get my shit together to be worth anything beyond some words on paper, and whatever my age and location would represent in general. I feel like I haven't gt much to show for what I have traversed, except maybe some increasing girth in the stomach area as a decent sign that my metabolism has finally coasted into cruise control.

I want to be hard on myself but I know I work hard, I try hard, I am not lazy, and I acknowledge my limits. So I am either too hard on myself or too narcissistic. Heh. just like everybody. Maybe I just don't wanna face the truth (just like everybody).

Last monday night by buddy MVG had a showing of a documentary that he produced/shot/narrated/wrote/edited/etc (you get the picture). I've mentioned it before, I saw a rough cut of his film maybe a half-year ago. Well it's finally wrapped up (as wrapped as it'll get) and he rented out a small local theater (yeah, in Hollywood) for a night to have a show. I have to say - I was impressed! Very impressed! It made my heart soar when I rolled up to the theater for the show, and saw a line wrapping around the building with BORN HYE on the marquee banner. It was pretty packed, I almost did not get a seat! Anyway, the show went off wonderfully. I mean - they shot it on a handcam, it's not like they had crazy expensive film and lighting and all of that - but the thing reeked of charm, it was fun to watch and superbly put-together. It's been in the oven for years, and it's very gratifying (even merely as his friend) to see the conclusion it's come to. Of course I don't know what is the result of a one-night screening, and likely there's much more work ahead. but hey - thing is DONE, they made a great film. I am very proud and eager to see what happens next.

i+don’t+wanna+hear+about+nothin’

yes, i know, i just wrote that it is july. it is FAR, FAR from July.. but for some reason, after I got my hand started 3/4 of the way thru typing it, i said ah hell, shucks, i will let it slip in, if only to properly illustrate the condition of my mental state.

late nights at work these days, as my life so often goes i tend to swing in and out of these things...i have about 20 minutes right now to sit and chill out while the lighting bakes, and so i thought i would grace my of-late-neglected blog with a little attention.. here you go. anyway, yeah, things are alright. i am working a lot. late nights last week, the week before that, and i was in this past sunday as well. it's groovy though, i will be handsomely paid when this project is finished, in fact I have started spending my future megabucks in advance. if you happen to know me and we are good friends, then send a note and maybe i will buy you a caddy, a supra or a new HDTV. It seriously depends on my whim, you see.


All kidding aside, money is probably the big thing sticking in my craw these days (do i have a craw? what does one look like?) but anybody can complain about that stuff so i will (largely) leave it up to everybody else. i will say this, however.. today the notion of taking an actual vacation to a far-off place (like, say, europe) for any brief period of time popped into my head. someone at work mentioned their recent trip to switzerland, and a light bulb went off "hey, i went to switzerland.. nearly EIGHT YEARS AGO!!!" Yeah so i have had a moment here or there of trips, since, but largely not. in fact, as my friend and i were recently bemoaning, the lion's share of my trips are back to the place I came from. So, yeah, it would be cool to go someplace different and exotic (once again) for a change. It sounds luxurious, but it really doesn't HAVE to be (it depends if you really must travel as a rich american tourist, you know). Me, I am fine roaming through the sketchy parts of some random run-down debris-laden city with hulking, frightening characters tracking my every move. okay, maybe not that extreme. but i do think it would be fun to chill out in a random pub in ireland or something. yeah, that sounds pretty fun.

there was a time when i would fantasize about flying around the country (or the world) in short stints to just party, sightsee, whatever. no, it's not my life, and it really likely won't be. the biggest issue (besides money) that I see is that I am past my prime for all of that! I am not old yet, not really, but I am old enough to know better. if i was 10 years younger than i guess things would be different. but then..

well..

i have been working for ten years. in that whole time, unstable as my career may have been, my mantra has basically been "keep working. build up, all of it... resume, experience, contacts, money (if at all possible)" And so yeah I have been doing that steadily, dodging bullets as best I could, but now I look back as i slowly approach my mid-thirties and realize "yeah, it's good to work hard, have a career, have these goals.. but is my goal just to keep doing THAT?" I know I have gone on, at length, on this sort of topic in recent entries in here. Because as I get older I realize that - honestly - I do have a good life, there's a lot to be appreciative of. But it's just not satisfying me. It's not the life I want. I remember when I was young and idyllic (and well, naive, clueless). I had this powerful drive though, and though I was still kinda skittish I guess, I would always find ways to throw myself into (ultimately) more interesting situations. Maybe not the best choices all the time, but certainly a few big ones which have led me to having a rather interesting (in a good way) life. But now a few years of those results have rolled over, and I am feeling like it's just a recycle of the same old routine. Same pressures, same complaints. Good times of course but the world is rich and full of variety, and I really feel painted into a corner these days. These years!

I don't write in here just to whine, I do it because I like to look back at "what I was thinking about, back then." I want to look back at this entry some day and feel like it was leading me down some path back to finding what it was I would want from my life.

yeah, i am just in a bitter mood, it's crunch time at work and my list of things to fix seems never to get any shorter no matter how much i pond on it. is it any wonder i am craving a vacation!! if it was up to me i would be partying at cinespace in 1 hr...

return to the garden of your nightmares

well, got my xbox live account activated, the router didn't die (am-aaaaa-zing) and better yet, as of this writing, my apartment hasn't caught fire due to the hazardous layout of cables smershed behind my television (could have happened, since I am not home yet I don't know about it). Seriously. I have my doubts about this whole "power brick" thing, and to say it was perniciously placed would be putting it modestly. I am having flashbacks to being 10 years old and watching that episode of "Webster" where their apartment burns down. That one did a number on my soft innocent little mind..

but i digress..

anyway if you want to add me, or some such, to your (appropriately-named) "friend list" for Xbox live, go for it, my handle is ralp99. I can't say that i expect to be a good videogame-friend, since i will likely only pick up cheap/obscure/older games (as is my wont), but hey, maybe we can chat or cyber or something. that'd be hot.

Knowing the potential of Xbox live, and then seeing it with one's own eyes, it is something to behold. Sure I have seen the layout of all that crap before, and I am no stranger to the internet of course (da-da-DUMMMmmm) but knowing it and actually HAVING IT hooked up to your own television where the business takes place is a little bit of a jolt. I must say it's a kick to look at all the insta-available movie titles I could oh-so-readily download at a button's press to view on my Deluxe Entertainment Home Media Centre Theater, mind you DLing and watching crap is nothing new to me (hey i ain't no noob) but with the PS2 Media Thingie it's usually a bit of a song and dance involved, and it is all oh-so-dubious to say the least - that is if the damned DIVX file is encoded properly and doesn't skip all over the place (or just crash out). I am being a little heavy handed, the PS2 solution was super rad for the years I have had it (and yes, it's fun to nerd-out with that stuff) but i will happily move into the future with the rest of you for a less accident-prone solution. In the meantime, I haven't exactly unhooked the PS2 device from my setup ('cause we all know that it's a matter of time until the damned 360 RROD's anyway. So much for accident-proofing). Yeah I am not kidding. I have no faith in that piece 'a crap. It's nice and I hope it lasts me (at least) a year, if I am lucky. But damn those things get hot, as mentioned in the previous entry. I fully expect it nothing short of China Syndrome with this baby. You'll see. You'll ALL SEE.

Xbox demos, the reason I bought this damn thing really, this is definitely sizing up to feeling worth my investment. I don't have time/inclination/attention span to play through whole games as it is, and shelling out a paltry couple bucks for live to get virtually unlimited access to 2 zillion demos is a Hog's Dream Come True. I knew it would be pretty good but this is even more impressive than I would've expected (pessimist that I am). Most likely all who read this are jaded, by now, but I for one am very appreciative of this service they've provided. Free shit. FREE. Did you hear that? It's FREE. Yeah "late to the party" and all of that, but the fact is it's remarkable how (relatively) well-organized all the game demos are, and the fact that they all stay up there! It's like this crazy virtual library, and all you have to do is shuffle some space, and be patient for stuff to come down the pipe. Suddenly I am realizing that 20 GB is just not enough space.. but then, they have it all up on their servers permanently (-enough) that it's inconvenient but not anywhere near awful. That's great. I'll probably tool around with most of these demos the same amount as I have with whole games I have actually bought in the past few years.

Mind you, I am definitely far from "the typical player" for a good few reasons.. but this all fits the bill rather nicely. So long as my house doesn't burn down.

Anyway I DLd about 7-10 demos today and fooled around with a couple so far (Superman Returns, Stranglehold). When work lays off a little I'll put in a little time for some lovin'. More ot come...

so.. i have Jumped In

sigh, that's right, i finally sold out and bought a &*^#@*(&$^ 360. it only took me two years to catch up with the rest of the Modern World of Gaming. I picked it up last night at the Microcenter up the street from my office, forked over my $230 (it's a refurbished unit) and they handed me a deck with 20GB HD, headset (won't be using that one too much), wireless controller (nice touch) and all the necessary cables and doodads to plug the thing into the Internowhere. All wrapped up nice and tight in a mostly-unmarked, unassuming brown box-shaped box. Fresh from a coffin, I am sure. I fought (valiantly) with the jungle of wires and dead crickets behind my Low Defiition Television and Entertainment Unit to hook the thing into the tangly nightmare, turned it on and stuck in a copy of Tony Hawk 2007 Ex-travaganza to make sure it ran. Sure enough, she lit up and ran like a charm, and sure enough there was a problem (the "wireless connect" button on the faceplate was busted). I got in there with a pen and finagled it. Haven't got on Live yet (I won an auction for a membership, waiting patiently for them to email it over to me.. tap, tap, tap) so until then I will leave the thing resting idly in the "off" position 'neath my TV. Sadly, I tried to put the unit into one of the close-able areas of the cabinet, though I noted that the thing gets HOTTTTT when it's on for more than 14 seconds... and so it must sit out front, proudly displaying it's ugly, ugly design for all who enter my living room to gawk at in disgust. Have I mentioned how unattractive I think the unit is?

Anyway, it detected the network connection through my router (and my internet connection from my PC seems to be working at the moment, obviously) so I am happy to report that stuff is all set up. I am sure the unit will fail (crappy odds) sometime in the next 3-6 months.. hopefully before my 1-Yr warranty expires. Let's see.

After I get on Live I will start plodding through to see what demos I can get my hands on.. the main point of my purchasing this thing. Stay tuned.

how to get tougher

yeeesh well damn i think it's been getting on a long time since i have written in here.. just not much time for it lately, honestly. work is super busy and all of that (blah blah), besides I feel like I have not had too much to say. But it's good to drop in and make some notes now and again, so here we go, then...

Things are alright - basically life is not bad. Everything is really status quo, all considered. The usual stablilities and instabilities, sometimes I let them drive me nuts, sometimes I just let it flow past me. I guess work has been in somewhat of a crunch mode lately and that's really been the driving thing, but it's been sort of zoning in and out of that for some time now. I have been with this studio for 6+ months, it's a good place (and it has grown on me) and.. well as usual, I wonder how long it will last, for all the usual reasons. In the meantime, like anyone else of my caliber and character, I will continue to work hard and try my best. And of course we will see what it all leads to. Hmm, mysterious...

Social life has been pretty mellow overall, of late - poking my head out now and again, but really (for me) it's been on ice. I had a friend visit from out of town a couple of weekends ago, which was cool - my old roomate from college. Of course I had to give him the whizbang quick-ass mini Los Angeles tour, or cross-section of Ron's Life in a Nutshell.. so I dragged him out to some local dives, we stopped by the Getty Museum (I figured he would dig it), of course we had to hit the tragedy known as Venice Beach. He was in and out in a flash, and it was sad to see him go so suddenly but I appreciated the short time we got to hang out always nice to see some folks from "my old life!"

Crunching at work before and after that.. just after, a friend of mine had accepted a job in Austin so I took him and his wife out for a farewell dinner. Always sad to see people leave but at the same time, gotta admit I am a little envious (the notion of exploring a whole different environment at this point is tempting to say the least!) I dropped off some see dee's to a fried later that night ('round midnight) and his wife and her frieds convinced me to go partyin' with them. Yeah, i was tired. Yeah, I felt like ass. But damn. it was a Tuesday night and I'd not been to the Club in soo long. We went in (probably for about 45 min) and it was super-quick and pretty cheesy, but damn it i had fun.

Then lessee.. I guess last weekend the sox was on and so i met my buddy at the sports bar up the street. the game was lame and boring (well, it was cool because we were winning but dull cause there was no action or tension!) and eventually we found our way to some random-ass halloween party downtown, all old-style (as in, like when I used to find myself ending up in crazy places for no good goddamn reason, but who cares and it's a blast anyway). Got home late (6am I hit the hay!) and sunday we watced the red sox win the World Series.. again. Which, again, is cool but.. nah, not interesting/invigorating at all, unlike when it happened in 2004. Granted, it's hard to compare the two, but there's something about that team -- not that I am what you'd call a baseball aficionado - - but generally, every year they'd really work their asses off and get quite close. so close you could SMELL it (yes I said it, smell the asses..) but no matter what, you could always count on them pooping out rather spectacularly. Ad so it went, you could set your watch by it. but every year they'd keep trying, really really hard, and you'd think "maybe.. just maybe." And then it finally did cinch, after what was literally a lifetime to ANYBODY. And now, when they play, and win "oh so effortlessly," it just seems sort of.. I dunno, anticlimactic. Not even a relief, just kind of.. well, it doesn't really matter, it's just baseball (oh god, I hope my father isn't reading this, or I am out of the will!) I guess maybe I would be singing a different tune if the circumstances played out kind of differently. If they didn't completely slaughter the bejeezus out of their opponents, ruthlessly and uncharacteristically. Alright. Well I have written about sports enough, by now...

This week, then, no big deal. Working, working.. fixing up crap, trying to make things all purty. Work's taking a little of the wind out of my sails, I'd love to get into it but there's reasons I shouldn't. Sometimes I feel a little crazy and wonder how much of it is in my head.. then I reflect on my history and it makes me feel better (and worse). But hey, that is how it all goes. anyway it is mine and I signed up for this stuff, come what may.

Wanted to go out tuesday night (yeah, so it sounds like i am falling back into a pattern) especially after having fun the previous tuesday, but I didn't get outta the office until close to midnight (and then the 45 min drive home). that's just as well though. Last night was Halloween, my girlfriend actually had a little tiny get together at her pad in Orange County so I spent the night down at that place. It was alright... very tiny, though it was packed for what it was. I am not used to it, partying with a bunch of people (that i don't know) who are not really into drinking at all, heh heh.. it was surreal. But it was nice, nothing bad happened - those who know me halfway-well know that i have a pavlovian pre-conditioning to fear halloween, that is - crappy things typically hapen to me around this time of the year, and the last several years, it's been nearly without fail! I am not one of those superstitious "for real" people, of course, but you know how it is.. heh heh.

So here I am now, and it's the home stretch for 2007. At last! Thanksgiving will be upon us in a few short weeks, and then of course, Xmas and the end of the year. Good, well, let's wrap this one up already, shall we?

bees aight

hello bloggerlads and bloggina lasses. yes i have been neglectful of my game-industry-blogging duties, lately. again. This is what happens when real life (well, real work life) breathes down one's neck.. still i had ought to make a more dedicated effort to maintain this thing in a better fashion than merely once a week! Well, keep checking back to see whether or not i am a liar..

lots of news in the games industry lately, if also sort of quiet. As the xmas season dutifully approaches, the giants descend with their high-profile software releases continuously, and uncle sam (and auntie japan) continue to reap the rewards. So then, Super Mario Galaxy is less than a world away (I've seen the demo at EB) just in time to celebrate the Wii's one-year anniversary party. Ratchet and Clank do the same likewise for Playstation, finally giving a good reason (although a familiar one) to actually want to own one over a 360. Of course, Guitar Hero III finally rears it's ugly metal head, merely weeks after it's brother title Tony Hawk Ninety-Three (yeah, say what you want, but cheers to those guys for getting such major releases out the door nearly simultaneously!) Rock Band, on the other hand, I am not sure of it's date but it'll likely be soon.. Surprisingly, I have just learned that Wii Fit is not releasing on these shores in time for Xmas, and I sense many fat gamers are (not really) groaning, though the game's publisher will have a little to be sorry for as a result (yes.. just a little. Don't feel too bad for them). I am a little out of the loop - what the heck is out for DS, besides Zelda Phantom Hourglass? And what, pray tell, for the shiny new PSP 2000 or whatever they are calling that thing? (I want to get my hands on one and see if it's as gross-feeling to hold as it's predecessor) Yeah I am a little guilty for not paying attention, but is it my fault or is it because there's just actually not much to DEMAND my attention, rather..

The Simpsons game has released from EA. Say what you will, and I am sure you will, but I like the directions being put forth by "the New EA." No, I still don't wanna work there, but you have to hand it to them, they have been putting out some noteworthy quality titles of late. Skate, of course, comes to mind.. and I've already mentioned Rock Band.. never mind their always-competent sports lineup/onslaught. They get a lot of gripes but EA is making some good moves. Now I wanna see them release a console (3DEA0!) and truly disturb the crap outta the industry. Oh, and while I am on topic, I heard they laid off after their shareholders weren't too brilliantly happy with the mega-expensive buyout of Pandemic/Bioware. boo. I take back all the nice things I said.

Not much to report on my own game front. I am still waiting to reflash my Game Boy card.. it never feels too imperative, though I should get to it shortly. I think there's a decent colecovision emulator I could put on there too, that would be fun. Hrmph, I need to make a list of things to squeeze in there.. Anyway I sat down on the couch and played some games last night. Latest acquisition is Burnout #2, I think it's about 4 years old - xbox title. It's not aged too terribly well, but I remember my friends being into it a few years ago and it caught my eye so I snagged it. yeah, kinda renderware ugly, but a nice groovy little game.. I am no stranger to what it's story is, but getting my hands on it I can appreciate what it's worth. This is what I am usually preaching, makes games that don't necessarily emulate what you do in real life! Driving is certainly enjoyale in the day-to-day, and racing games with tricked-out wheels are always fun (well.. fun-ish) but these days they're really a dime a dozen. But now who DOESN'T fantasize about car accidents? Okay well, maybe most folks don't but honestly I do. And a game about setting up huge destructive car accidents is just what the doctor ordered, I gotta say. Now, this title doesn't really do muchmore than hint at the possibilities, as it is.. and I suspect the new generation of Burnout titles is still gonna remain pretty tame as compared to what it could ultimately transmogrify into - but that's a game I would line up to buy, if and when they unlock it's potential. That's genius.

I plugged in Strider 2 for PSX, I mention it now and again in this blog - I still hae yet to play through it, as it's a clumsy and somewhat boring game. But oh, the style.. talk about your potential! Why Capcom sits on properties like this, I will never know. It's dripping with love and excitement, and I am sure it's sitting there waiting to get picked up down the road. Screw Bionic Commando, we need more Strider! I play this game, and I know it's something of the sort I would love to be a part of, development-wise. Ah well, stranger things have happened I suppose.

Also sitting in my shelf is Gunner's Heaven, as mentioned previously likewise - and also likewise, not much playtime had been given to it yet. I guess I made it a level or two in last night, and I have to say that even i am astonished to the degree in which they directly ripped off Gunstar Heroes.. bu, that's cool! RIP OFF GUNSTAR HEROES!! If there's a freakin' game which needs to be shamelessly, brutally ripped off. Yeah, they lose points for originality, but they show that thy have good taste.. I hae some problems with the title, even so.. some charaters (namely the player sprites) are bland/boring/dullsville, and a lot of the general design is uninspired and blase'. Not that it's bad, by a long shot, but considering the hardware (and what's been done with less) it's just kind of a waste of time in the aesthetic department. Likewise the soundtrack
, from what I have heard, is essentially turn-off-able. Again, not quite offensive, but such a letdown when you consider what could (should) be there in it's place. But that stuff is forgivable - the cardinal sin here is the omission of a 2-player simultaneous mode. Come on! How much harder is it to implement? Even if it would cheese the design a little, games like this (Contra-style) are made for two people to enjoy together. Sigh. Maybe there's a hidden mode buried in there somewhere.. who knows. Ah well, it sucks but not enough to take away from the coolness that is this game's very existence, at all. I don't regret picking it up.

I have laid off on my other two planned PSX acquisitions, maybe when the prices fall some more..

shutdown the reuptake inhibitor

what's up videogame industry insider need-to-know-er's, what is shakin' in all y'all boots. God, I hate typing stuff like that. Neglect abounds in this section of the blogosphere lately, but it's alright because I am getting slammed with work lately. Wish I could write about the details, I will have to save it for my futuristic memoirs. I will just write about things that happened in previous jobs that I have held in years past. To my imaginary alter-ego. There, have I covered enough bases yet?

Our studio released a new NWN expansion recently, it is getting reviewed well - that's good news! My old studio released their new skateboarding game last week, it's getting crummy reviews from the big sites (err the jaded sites) but overall on gamerankings they're staying formidable. That, my friends, is the difference between the whiny few and the wallets of the hungry. I wonder how they will sell this season, anyway.. "it's up to the gods of merchandising, really.."

Quiet news in gameland recently, overall. Nothing terribly hectic, just a little fallout here and there as the industry gears up to dump loads of big-deal software out the door for the fierce wave of seasonal releases. We got the primers out the door already (Metroid 3, Halo 3, ahem) and the Wii barrage is under way shortly (though, no smash bros' brawl... boo!). Sony's kinda blown thier load a little early, though they needed to pump something out to the hungry masses (and nothing that's worth mentioning anymore than has been said). Ratchet and Clank is out the door I guess, which should make people happy enough - I believe Uncharted is due to hit the shelves shortly as well. But, yeah, short of Wii, nothing seems to be too spectacular on the fronts. Maybe I have let my attentions wander, though.

Bionic Commando announcement, hmm? Something of the sort has been on a lot of people's minds, and it's interesting to see this title pop up outta nowhere. I give them the benefit of the doubt, it could be a cool little "freak game" from some up and coming devs - we'll see. Most are skeptical about this, though I maintain that the style is growing on me. Honestly, more than anything else it REALLY makes me wanna head home and plug in the old NES adventure for a rush of nostalgia. I never beat that thing (halfway I guess), and that was actually the original GB version. Yeah, for shame, I know... So what's next, Section Z?

Not much else to report. Everyone is loving Portal. Maybe even I should look at the thing. I am waiting anxiously to see how Wii holds up (hardware-wise) for Xmas, supposedly sales are slowing down in Japan at last. We'll see. Nintendo's still dominating across their two platforms, fiercely - I see some interesting stuff going over on their Virtual Console service as well. Interesting, interesting times..

sell out!

Strange times indeed. This console generation is a constant flow of "what the hell, where did THAT come from?" madness left and right out of the great blue yonder. At this point, what the future holds in anyone's guess. I feel bad for those whose jobs it is to survey the landscape of this business, and try to make bold predictions of what the holiday seasons will be like. In recent weeks, we've seen Activision buy up PGR developer Bizarre Creations from under Microsoft's "nose," for an undisclosed sum - though I am sure it was a bit expensive. Note that they have JUST released the 4th iteration of that series. Likewise, the mammoth Halo 3 has just been out (it's been not even a month, I believe!) and the cement's not even set when it's announced that their developer (Bungie), a studio whose name is more-or-less synonomous with "Xbox First Party," is going back to independant (again, for who knows how much money). Between those two annoncements, it's been so dusty I can't recall which was first! The other week, Sony snatched up UK-based developer Evolution Studios, who produced their Motorstorm game for PS3 (and regardless of what the critics say, remains one of the most popular titles for the suffering console, sales and otherwise). 32 Million. That's a lot of moolah... though when you realize it costs around half of that to develop a title anyway, then it doesn't sound so ridiculous. Also considering that Sony gets the tech and all of that with the deal, it beings to make a bit more sense. Sure, not as crazy and groundbreaking as either of the two preceding news items, but certainly eyebrow-raising.

And then the big double-whammy of this all went down a couple of days ago, mega-congolomerate EA added several more heads to it's Game Development Hydra with the Elevation purchase (Noted/Successful developer-partners, Bioware and Pandemic). 860 million clams. That's so much money that I can't even fathom what that means. How many Aircraft Carriers is that worth? How many Third World Countries could it feed? None, 'cause it's all getting shuttled back into making more FPS and Sims titles, apparently. I am not sure how many teams of development that adds up to (just the ones being absorbed, never mind how large the EA ranks were to begin with). Good? Bad? I say bad - though I wouldn't be saying that if I were working for one of those studios, not this moment. Actually I would likely be strolling across the street to check out which Lamborghini I would like to pick up.

Anyway you hear about stuff like this, and you consider what companies have "sold out" and which haven't, and why. You take a place like Insomniac - technically, an indie studio, but for all intents and purposes they are Sony 1st party at this point. Heh - do they NEED to get beneath that umbrella? They've got their name solid, they can make "games they want to make," pretty much (or, can they? I notice they've churned out plenty of sequels, regularly). I am curious if Naughty Dog has got the same situation (and also, what that matters). I have worked at several studios, all with their own unique relationships with their respective publishers. I have had the "if we work hard, we could get bought" carrot dangled in front of my face before. Likewise I have had the "we have a publisher who owns us, and so we are stable enough to last through the 'hard times...'" Both circumstances have worked out unfavorably for me, if you get what I am saying. Does it matter? Should I be happy or sad that I've no stake in anything, that no matter where I am employed, I am only tied to the whim of Fate?

Well.. it has been several years now. My judgement's a little skewed, and I can say this much, it's not "just about the money.." it's about the stability, the environment, the project. Getting along with your team, working with an engine that you can co-exist with. Loving the minute details of everything your hand touches. But, it's also about balance. Business savvy.. getting along politically, and having some foresight when weird times like this happen, and being able to look down the road to see what's next and where you will be when the dust settles..

Anyway, I can speak in vagueries about this all day, but those like me know my point. We look at these mega-sales where retarded amounts of money are thrown around with seemingly incredible disregard, and we nuts and bolts of these machines look up and cry out "mine, mine!" And we wonder when we'll be able to understand the perspective of those money-tossers. Or, if we would really want to.

Alright. It's Sunday afternoon, I have work to do. I work for an independant.

clearly, i have a distaste for typing titles.

all is quiet on the front. busy with work and feeling a bit rusty with regard to my muse, so i think i will rifle out a few pieces of my own during the mellower period. i am happy withthe latest level i have spat out at work, anyway.

not much game news, i am still wanting to pick up a next-gen system, (does 360 count as that anymore, given that it's going on a couple years of age at this point?) PS3 is always (slowwwwly) looking more desirable, though obviously it's got a year or so before it can genuinely ratchet up a full notch.. 360 still looks appropriate enough, but yes, I need to sit on my bills for the time being, so no new toys for me. Which is fine, since all the titles I REALLY want are from PS1 period anyway.

Bought some new doorknobs for my apartment this weekend, which meant that I stopped by my friendly neighborhood Orchard Supply Hardware, conveniently located right next to Gamestop. Not a regular haunt of mine, but I'll poke around if I am actually hoofin' around the neighborhood and see what goodies I can pick up on the cheap. Yesterday's score was PS2 Gungrave, a title I recall seeing years ago at E3 (alongside Shinobi and.. Jet Set Radio? Was it that long ago??? Well maybe it was the following year...) Regardless, I remembered hearing less-than-impressive reviews of the game, if only in passing, but it's certainly stylish enough to warrant a look when it pops up in the bargain bin. I forked over my eight bucks and took it home, and tonight put in a session with it. Good game! I can see why it would't go over well with the mainstream, as it is kind of the videogame equivalent of a migraine in some ways.. conctant blaring gunfire, constant slow trudging gameplay, and not really a game where you can stop and smell the roses, so much. Still, it bleeds with loving style, a possibly cool blueprint for more inspired things to come - and on it's own merit, not a bad diversion. It belongs on my shelf beside Godhand (which is far superior, if uglier). I'd consider picking up the sequel if it was about the same price, I suppose.

I received a couple JPN Saturn games in the mail recently, finally loaded them up this weekend as well. GunGriffon and Baku Baku Animal. Let's see.. GunGriffon came vaguely recommended from a web-board Saurn Reminiscience post, I am not sure if there was a domestic release but i saw the JPN version on ebay for like.. a cent, so what the hell. I loaded it up and it has that feeling "ohhh!! We can do 3D now, how cool are we!" It's short sighted and gnarly, and definitely dated and "me-too". Fun to tool around with for a few minutes, I may mess with it some more (doubtful!) Some games obviously do not age well.

Baku Baku Animal, on the other hand - this title DID recieve a domestic release, I believe, but again I found the JPN version on EBay for next to nuthin' and so I snapped it up. Those who know me, know I can have a fondness for good puzzle games, so after doing some Saturn research I had seen this name dropped a couple of times as a "must-have." I already have Magical Drop 3 (supposedly, another one of "the best..") so this seemed interesting to me - mind you, I could sit for a session of Puzzloop or Tetris Attack for hours.. Anyway this game was nearly worth it for the case art alone. My GOD. So ugly. It's like they gave an 11 year old a 3D program for the first time ("here make a cover for us!") It's ridiculously ugly... but somehow, disgustingly endearing. Almost. Anyway, as for the game itself - it's not bad! It made me laugh. Usual Tetris-inspired drivel, stuff drops and you've gotta match it up to clear lines before your screen fills up with blocks. The catch here is that the blocks are made up of two different things.. different types of food, or animal heads. Naturally, you must put the food next to the head of the animal which would eat that to clear lines. Monkey eats banana, dog eats bone, panda eats bamboo, that sort of thing. Yes it's goofy as hell, but it is kinda funny and one wonders how exactly someone was inspired to make this leap in concept. I will mess with it some more, it seems like there's some cool possibility for chain mechanic in there.

For the hell of it I threw in Radiant Silvergun for the first time since trying it out after I'd first got my JPN adaptor. Whew! That's a hell of a game, and I do mean.. HELL. It's a top-down shooter, much like the other bullet hell shooters, where you get tons of all manner of firepower with which to demolish your enemies. This game is unique in that you never need to power-up, you possess your weapons 100% of the time - but each weapon is fired by a different button on the game controller. And of course the game is designed around the player properly strategizing when to fire which weapon. So yeah, unlike many games of this sort, it's not "plow-ahead fun," but rather more of a thinkin' mans game in that vein. It's a little crude looking as well - but certainly deserving of it's place in history (though it's not gonna make any top-ten shooter lists for me, who knows maybe one day I will become "enlightened")

Anyway, so yeah, old games rock.

informer.

another late night at Obsidian. I am sitting here at my desk, listening to the janitor vacuum in the hallway, patiently waiting for my girlfriend to swing by and pick me up so i can go home and sleep (and return the next day). 9:43PM. I think it will be awhile 'till she gets here..

I finished up my latest level today. It took me no time to light, actually it was enjoyable to do that. I am getting pretty good with that (not great, but alright). Lighting was always something that I'd kind of did as an afterthought, and with good reason (the tech's not typically rewarded high-quality lighting in video games!) Not that it is quite there, yet, but it's improving. Anyway I consider myself fairly handy with the modeling and texturing end of things, I'd enjoy spending more time on making things light pretty as well. For this reason I intend to spend more of my own time building and lighting high-quality still imagery, go a few rounds with that and I should feel pretty competent. Mind you, I've spent more than my share of time figuring out how to make things look interesting, anyway..

I was keeping an eye on Zanac X Zanac on eBay but that thing went out today. $200+ !! Man. I want the game but.. not THAT bad. That's crappy when it's a game which is obviously only selling for it's rarity/collectibility. I just want to play the actual GAME. I might see if I can dig up an ISO somewhere. If my pocketbook was a little easier I wouldn't sweat the cash so much. Pretty hard to justify spending such money on a freakin' single game right now (ANY single game!) I was also watching Thunder Force Special Pack for Saturn. I am a HUGE Thunder Force fan, but again I don't wanna shell out upwards of $100 for a port of a game I already have (and beat dozens of times!) Whatever, watching eBay is fun.. just so long as you don't get too carried away spending money on crap you don't really need.

I stumbled across the webiite of this dude YOSHIKI OKAMOTO. He is one of the unsung old-timer heroes of videogames. He created Time Pilot at Konami, 1942 and the original Street FIghter while at Capcom.. among plenty of other things. He seems like a happy guy, one who's name most people won't recall (though I do remember seeing his "trademark" in many Capcom games, as a kid). He's since started his own company, Game Republic (not the magazine). I have no idea what they are up to or what they have released- he's got a pretty intensively detailed blog, i haven't really perused it too much yet but I want to dig in a bit w/ the Google Translator - this stuff kinda fascinates me (though as any blog-ready can tell you, that stuff can be sort of top-heavy at times).

Headache, just popped a couple Advil - it's been a long day and a long week. I look forward to getting home and being AFK for a couple of days.. rest my neurons.