new contact lenses (several months overdue), but the right eye is kind of smeary.
listening to loveline with ron jeremy.. such a nebbish. i did meet that guy, once..
So i lived in thai town for a few years, which might as well be named Little Armenia (in fact, it may well be for all i know)... point is I have developed a taste for the Armenian food. Frequent readers of this blog (all four of you) will know of my love for Zankou chicken -- since starting this new job, i have been sad to find that my new place of employment isn't surrounded by much in the way of "interesting character food," and I don't mean of the sort which repeats on you. We got subway, jack inthe box, and weinershnitzel, sigh. Anyway I miss my schwaerma! I did a little yahoo searching and found some local armo place, the web says it's "one of the best Aremian restaurants in Orange County, if not the entire country!" Well hell, I had to check this out. it's like 5 miles away, i hopped in my car and flew over there.
Okay, they charged me $13 for a roast beef pita sandwich with some french fries. Dude, $13? I know I am Jewish, but c'mon. Zankou + Tarzana Armenian Deli will give you 3X the amount of food for that price. Anyway I already made it that far, so I forked over the cash and read the local rag while they prepared my sandwich. Might I add the restaurant was HUGE. It was full of geriatric folks and looked like a freakin' fancy well-to-do Vegas Resort uppity eatery. So at this point my expectations were getting mixed. I got back to my office, grabbed a soda and sat down at my desk. The fries were cold, soggy and limp, and then I bit into the pita and oh my GOD, i started to tear up!! not with joy, but with holy shit spicy goddamn mustard is in this sandwich! Mouthfuls of it. Mind you I enjoy spicy food, but this was retarded - the sandwich, it caused me physical discomfort to eat it. But I had already made it all the way back to the office and I had such a light non-dinner the previous evening, I eschewed the morning's bagels.. i paid 13 goddamned dollars for this !@)*!@% miserable excuse for a sandwich. I soldiered through the poisonous mustardy lettuce layer as my nasal passages blossomed and i wept, and i made it to the roast beef layer, which was as unfantastic as the rest of the meal was, erhm, pungent. Anyway I polished the thing off and swore never to return to this godforsaken eating establishment. The search continues.
I'm having a BBQ in a few weeks and I would like to be a good host and support some half-decent videogame-playing. I have a huge arcade joystick for my PC and I'd like to hook it up to my xbox (no one likes playing party games huddled awkwardly around a computer screen). I ordered an adaptor to plug my joystick into the xbox, like most things in my life it's DIY and will require some nifty finagling to get the things working properly - my inner mechanic thrills at the challenge, so long as it's not a big expensive waste of money. Sigh, I really should learn some automotive shit.. anyway I have yet to get my xbox modded anyway (hopefully soon!) so until such a time, I won't know if Tab A fits into Slot B.
Also I have been looking into buying a projector. My girlfriend's been gung-ho for me to shell out for a big screen LCD for the living room, but those things are prohibitively expensive and I am pretty happy with my 36" CRT (i know, ron who hates materialist things is switching gears into yuppie mode). The point is - it's nice to have a fancy crazy screen, but for the amount of TV/vids i watch, I am more than all set with the setup I have working. Though, I saw my friend's projector recently and it really felt like being at a damned movie theater! And it's kind of unique and unusual, which I like. So, I have been looking a bit for the heck of it and i think I found a good deal <$500. That's a great price, if the product is good. I gotta do a little more research - if it's getting over that, then I can happily not give two shits. But yeah, BBQ with Guitar Hero on Projector Screen would be pretty rockin' I have to say. We will see...
Ironically, i haven't ever played that game, unlike everyone else in the world. What? Ron didn't play a video game? Hey, if the screen moves, I don't wanna touch it, alright?
So the days are flying by at work. I mean they go by FASSSSST. It's a little shitty actually, not that I don't like to go home and do other stuff besides work, it's just that I certainly do want to be able to get my stuff done in the appropriate time. I don't feel like I am dragging my heels, but i do feel like I'll start getting into my rhythm and then --poof-- it's time to pack it in and go home already. I guess I can just stick around and put in some extra hours for the hell of it, for the time being..
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Monday, April 30, 2007
output filtration
and so we reach the end of another april. and so, i notice i have not been blogging too much lately. well not at all really. i notice that my spare time for such things has been diminishing, markedly. i guess it's not so much of a huge surprise, as these things go...
things have been busy. work's not really been "crunch," but it IS work. my commute isn't bad, but it definitely eats into my "spare time" - i can always be more efficient with my time, i guess (well, that is the plan anyway). The point is, i need to find a way to make more time for the "periphery" of my life. That's a little pressing. Even if it is not urgent, i want to start hacking away at it and get that kind of system in place - developing a decent routine is obviously a priority.
I haven't felt like blogging about my personal life in here lately, probably a good thing. Having a public blog isn't the best option sometimes. I do it this way for my reasons, not that I am so concerned with people thinking I am cool 'cause I like to update this thing (cause yeah it is soooo coool yeah yeah) I just find it is a lot more humbling to write things that could be seen by anyone rather then get wrapped up in my own overblown rants that would be intended for my eyes only (yeah, it gets bad). Well, whatever, it's always some kind of experiment I guess. I do miss writing though, and I want to be a little more on top of it. For one thing, I am thinking of starting a second blog - I know have mentioned it before - but I think it would be a good move in many ways for my life, my career if I began some sort of specifically industry-themed blog. i often have much to say about what I do for a living, and it's always coursing through my thoughts - I DEFINITELY have a very unique vantage point of things, and hell I have been working for a decade by now, so I have seen some shit. Anyway there's upsides and downsides to attempting such a thing, and I should be careful about it. I do think that for where am I am now (and where I want to eventually be,) it's as good a time as any to raise my visibility in my field and put my name, my thoughts out there a little more. This will be interesting..
On this topic, work is going well. It's about 6 weeks in, and I am pretty well-adjusted here. I have LOTS I would love to write about my new job, but as the nature of all things goes, I will just say that things are good and I am not regretting my decision to join up with this studio. It's a very weird time in games right now and I feel happy to be in a stable kinda place which treats their employees well. I look forward to spending some solid time here and turning out some nice work. I am DEFINITELY learning a lot right now and not just merely "going through the motions," so though it gets to be a pain in the butt at times, it's reassuring and satisfying. Also finally getting to gel with some of my coworkers a little more, which is one of the most important parts of ANY job..
I partied a bit this weekend, after having a weird fight with my girlfriend. It made me feel weird, and in fact I have been feeling weird about a lot of things lately. How many times did I just use the word "weird?" Anyway, we got over it and things are okay, we don't argue often but once in awhile we'll sort of back each other up against a wall and kind of re-evaluate things in our heads "is this what we want to do, should we keep dating?" That stuff is tough, when you are younger it's easier to be bull-headed and say "screw this!" But as I get older I look at things more rationally.. "I am with this person for a reason, is the good stuff better than the bad stuff?" We both seem to think so. It's tough sometimes though - we're very different people, at very different stages in life. I think that is one of the things that excites us both, though...
The partying was kinda blehhh, I am glad i indulged a bit since it seems to have turned me off from that a bit more. It's hard to live in Hollywood around all this endless craziness and NOT get warped from it, and it really does something to your head.. Especially if you are a guy like me, at my age, in this industry. Excuses, excuses. I have managed to find better ways to make it more affordable (drink at home, walk to the club, don't bring a CC) - all these things add up to save your ass!! Anyway as I have lots of bills to whittle down right now, excessive partying is a bad notion for me anyway, so I am glad to put that on the backburner anyway. It is hard to turn the volume of the city down, though. Fortunately, I do have other things which can captivate my attention and keep me occupied besides going out and goin' nuts...
Weather is getting nicer, it's been cool and overcast (which isn't bad) but yeah, i need some nice days at the beach to just r-e-l-a-x, man that sounds good right now. ALright, I am going to stifle the small talk - get home, cruise over to the gym (i need to lose this gut!) and work off a little energy. I'll post about my "game blog" shortly. Maybe in the next month.
things have been busy. work's not really been "crunch," but it IS work. my commute isn't bad, but it definitely eats into my "spare time" - i can always be more efficient with my time, i guess (well, that is the plan anyway). The point is, i need to find a way to make more time for the "periphery" of my life. That's a little pressing. Even if it is not urgent, i want to start hacking away at it and get that kind of system in place - developing a decent routine is obviously a priority.
I haven't felt like blogging about my personal life in here lately, probably a good thing. Having a public blog isn't the best option sometimes. I do it this way for my reasons, not that I am so concerned with people thinking I am cool 'cause I like to update this thing (cause yeah it is soooo coool yeah yeah) I just find it is a lot more humbling to write things that could be seen by anyone rather then get wrapped up in my own overblown rants that would be intended for my eyes only (yeah, it gets bad). Well, whatever, it's always some kind of experiment I guess. I do miss writing though, and I want to be a little more on top of it. For one thing, I am thinking of starting a second blog - I know have mentioned it before - but I think it would be a good move in many ways for my life, my career if I began some sort of specifically industry-themed blog. i often have much to say about what I do for a living, and it's always coursing through my thoughts - I DEFINITELY have a very unique vantage point of things, and hell I have been working for a decade by now, so I have seen some shit. Anyway there's upsides and downsides to attempting such a thing, and I should be careful about it. I do think that for where am I am now (and where I want to eventually be,) it's as good a time as any to raise my visibility in my field and put my name, my thoughts out there a little more. This will be interesting..
On this topic, work is going well. It's about 6 weeks in, and I am pretty well-adjusted here. I have LOTS I would love to write about my new job, but as the nature of all things goes, I will just say that things are good and I am not regretting my decision to join up with this studio. It's a very weird time in games right now and I feel happy to be in a stable kinda place which treats their employees well. I look forward to spending some solid time here and turning out some nice work. I am DEFINITELY learning a lot right now and not just merely "going through the motions," so though it gets to be a pain in the butt at times, it's reassuring and satisfying. Also finally getting to gel with some of my coworkers a little more, which is one of the most important parts of ANY job..
I partied a bit this weekend, after having a weird fight with my girlfriend. It made me feel weird, and in fact I have been feeling weird about a lot of things lately. How many times did I just use the word "weird?" Anyway, we got over it and things are okay, we don't argue often but once in awhile we'll sort of back each other up against a wall and kind of re-evaluate things in our heads "is this what we want to do, should we keep dating?" That stuff is tough, when you are younger it's easier to be bull-headed and say "screw this!" But as I get older I look at things more rationally.. "I am with this person for a reason, is the good stuff better than the bad stuff?" We both seem to think so. It's tough sometimes though - we're very different people, at very different stages in life. I think that is one of the things that excites us both, though...
The partying was kinda blehhh, I am glad i indulged a bit since it seems to have turned me off from that a bit more. It's hard to live in Hollywood around all this endless craziness and NOT get warped from it, and it really does something to your head.. Especially if you are a guy like me, at my age, in this industry. Excuses, excuses. I have managed to find better ways to make it more affordable (drink at home, walk to the club, don't bring a CC) - all these things add up to save your ass!! Anyway as I have lots of bills to whittle down right now, excessive partying is a bad notion for me anyway, so I am glad to put that on the backburner anyway. It is hard to turn the volume of the city down, though. Fortunately, I do have other things which can captivate my attention and keep me occupied besides going out and goin' nuts...
Weather is getting nicer, it's been cool and overcast (which isn't bad) but yeah, i need some nice days at the beach to just r-e-l-a-x, man that sounds good right now. ALright, I am going to stifle the small talk - get home, cruise over to the gym (i need to lose this gut!) and work off a little energy. I'll post about my "game blog" shortly. Maybe in the next month.
Friday, April 13, 2007
duck punch chicken
holy shit it IS friday the thirteenth, well lookit that.
how to sum up this week. let's see.
"call the doctor!"
"pay your taxes!"
"Obesity gene discovered!"
"where's my paycheck?"
etc etc.
work's shapin' up. i can't believe i am wrapping up my 4th week there already. i got moved into a different room today, by myself (another new hire will be coming to share it with me next week). yeah i have been meeting tons of new people..
i am getting tired of meeting people...
still getting used to the new tech, and my different attitude about this project. a lot of things have changed in my mind, since my last job. i feel myself getting older and jaded - SLOW DOWN! it wasn't a really crazy week, and i didn't spend much money - except on gasoline, i am spending lots and lots of money on petroleum these days.
it's nice having an ipod again. it's just nice. being without for so long has reminded me that i don't "need one" anymore though, but it's handy to have around in the car i gotta say. it's also nice to have a car radio that works again (fixed it a year or so ago, after several years of it being ghetto-sort-of-working)
this don imus garbage is bullshit, BTW. I don't care for his show but i do care for freedom of speech. this country can be irritating sometimes. i remember being upset about the rising power of PC in the late 80s. the hypocrisy stuns me, but then.. i have slowly gotten used to it. I can see the newspapers 5 years from now "white person says 'black person' in the media, is fired" I have no problem with tolerance, it needs to go both ways - though i can say i really understand why this shit happens. I do not AGREE with it but i understand it. As for Imus, I am sure he is okay with retiring and history will probably be alright to him in spite of all of this. Honestly the thing is that no one even CARES about him - the only ones who do are the old conservatives in the closet who actually do subscribe to his school of thought, but they're the ones who are too frightened not to pull the trigger. Well they deserve what they get then, too bad that it sets a terrible precedent for the rest of us to have to suffer through however.
sorry, it hits too close to home in some ways.. i will just put it on the shelf for now.
weird week, weird mood. glad it's payday, i need a few more of these in a row to help lessen the sting (and the stink). adjusting to my new life, and wondering where the next phase is going to take me. sigh, memories, last time i said something ominous like that it took me some distance..
it's 2:30 in the morning. i've not slept well at all this week. probably should give it a shot.
how to sum up this week. let's see.
"call the doctor!"
"pay your taxes!"
"Obesity gene discovered!"
"where's my paycheck?"
etc etc.
work's shapin' up. i can't believe i am wrapping up my 4th week there already. i got moved into a different room today, by myself (another new hire will be coming to share it with me next week). yeah i have been meeting tons of new people..
i am getting tired of meeting people...
still getting used to the new tech, and my different attitude about this project. a lot of things have changed in my mind, since my last job. i feel myself getting older and jaded - SLOW DOWN! it wasn't a really crazy week, and i didn't spend much money - except on gasoline, i am spending lots and lots of money on petroleum these days.
it's nice having an ipod again. it's just nice. being without for so long has reminded me that i don't "need one" anymore though, but it's handy to have around in the car i gotta say. it's also nice to have a car radio that works again (fixed it a year or so ago, after several years of it being ghetto-sort-of-working)
this don imus garbage is bullshit, BTW. I don't care for his show but i do care for freedom of speech. this country can be irritating sometimes. i remember being upset about the rising power of PC in the late 80s. the hypocrisy stuns me, but then.. i have slowly gotten used to it. I can see the newspapers 5 years from now "white person says 'black person' in the media, is fired" I have no problem with tolerance, it needs to go both ways - though i can say i really understand why this shit happens. I do not AGREE with it but i understand it. As for Imus, I am sure he is okay with retiring and history will probably be alright to him in spite of all of this. Honestly the thing is that no one even CARES about him - the only ones who do are the old conservatives in the closet who actually do subscribe to his school of thought, but they're the ones who are too frightened not to pull the trigger. Well they deserve what they get then, too bad that it sets a terrible precedent for the rest of us to have to suffer through however.
sorry, it hits too close to home in some ways.. i will just put it on the shelf for now.
weird week, weird mood. glad it's payday, i need a few more of these in a row to help lessen the sting (and the stink). adjusting to my new life, and wondering where the next phase is going to take me. sigh, memories, last time i said something ominous like that it took me some distance..
it's 2:30 in the morning. i've not slept well at all this week. probably should give it a shot.
Monday, April 09, 2007
end alarm piano
remember when i used to blog like every fifteen minutes?
end-to-end, it has been a pretty good weekend. spent a lot of time hanging out with my friends, having some drinks, some laughs, some good food. running around town ad just takin' it sleazy. yeah, you know what? i feel like i am sort of coming out of a fog. now that some of the shit in my life is getting a little more sorted out, it's becoming easier to feel normal-er. i am psyched i have a job to go to tomorrow, my car is (mostly almost all) dealt with (new registration etc), taxes are good to go (gotta drop in the mail, just a couple days left!) My apartment is in nice shape. i had some better times with my special lil' lady-friend... i have a new ipod at last (thanks justin!) which i have had nearly a week and still not loaded up with tunes yet. i should rectify that immediately, dammit.
yeah,things are pretty good, and looking up - my mood is turning around. don't get me wrong, i am still a pissy whiny mofo, but that is what makes me so damned lovable right...?
i guess i have lots of things to say (as usual) but it's late and i need to get some rest. by the way, started going to the gym once again, 'bout damned time too... btw this is my 401st post in here dammit..
end-to-end, it has been a pretty good weekend. spent a lot of time hanging out with my friends, having some drinks, some laughs, some good food. running around town ad just takin' it sleazy. yeah, you know what? i feel like i am sort of coming out of a fog. now that some of the shit in my life is getting a little more sorted out, it's becoming easier to feel normal-er. i am psyched i have a job to go to tomorrow, my car is (mostly almost all) dealt with (new registration etc), taxes are good to go (gotta drop in the mail, just a couple days left!) My apartment is in nice shape. i had some better times with my special lil' lady-friend... i have a new ipod at last (thanks justin!) which i have had nearly a week and still not loaded up with tunes yet. i should rectify that immediately, dammit.
yeah,things are pretty good, and looking up - my mood is turning around. don't get me wrong, i am still a pissy whiny mofo, but that is what makes me so damned lovable right...?
i guess i have lots of things to say (as usual) but it's late and i need to get some rest. by the way, started going to the gym once again, 'bout damned time too... btw this is my 401st post in here dammit..
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
crash course teeth shattered
actually i typed "may" for the date for a moment. that would be ludicrous (--wince-- may '07 is only a single month away)...
tired. it's the beginning of my 3rd week of work, i'm settling in. it's been busy ramping up, getting to know some of the guys there, finding my place. some cool people work there, friendly. Like i said before, it's very different than other places I've worked.. similar in some ways, as well. all game companies are comprised of nerds, just different kinds of nerds (i am a particular kind as well, shocking right?) I am starting on my levels tomorrow, after just getting used ot software/technique/styles.. I am kind of just jumping into this now. You see, every game company follows a different procedure for how they handle the production. At other studios I've worked at, I've been secondary to a designer who would usually "own" the level. In this situation, the designer apparently roughs things out in the early stage and then passes the whole thing over to me to own, very much upping my own status as designer at this point. That's a daunting thing.. exciting, though. But yeah, while I will have others to support me, I am pretty much the last person to touch my levels, it appears. This will be interesting.
Looking at the tech we have, and the "freedom" I might be enjoying (good or bad?) I feel that this will be a tremendous growing experience. I know it's trial and error, but i am up to the task.. I have spent thousands of hours building all sorts of assets to all kinds of specs by now! I know my way around.. anyway, exciting to get into the groove.
Driving back and forth between Hollywood and Orange County hasn't been as horrendous as expected, actually after my initial interview I knew it would likely be manageable. Well, 3 weeks in and it's not phasing me so far, anyway. As I have mentioned, I am putting a lot more mileage on my car (and gas into it), but there's always a tradeoff. Anyway my wits aren't frayed and I am not miserable from the drive - the trip home is rather pleasant! Long enough to feel like "how much further? ohhh almost home, there's downtown!" Seriously, probably the same commute time-wise as when I worked at Rhythm or Zoic, Left Field... never mind Boston..
though I did think that I left my house keys in my desk drawer in the office as I was at the half-way point driving home. i was SURE of it. I pulled over and searched the car, fortunately they were in he back seat (that was close, I was about to get miserable). I didn't have any way to get back into the office at that time of night, and I would have to break into my own apartment.. probably climb up the roof. Haha. it's pleasant to know that I could do that (would be burglars, ignore this.. thanks).
Before I get off the topic of cars... well, since I got paid, and my registration is expired as of Sunday, I went to get a smog test last weekend. Failed! Pissed!!!! Ah well, after 10 years and about 170,000 miles, I guess I was due. Anyway I brought it to the best mechanic ever, and he says it's all good to go and only gonna set me back $70. Well, we'll see tomorrow when I re-test. If it's for real, than I am a happier person for it. Still, the fact of the matter is - my car runs well, but it IS old. I haven't had to pour money into it in years, but it needs a tune-up badly (from the dealer) - and no matter what, I am closing in on the big 200! With my 40 mile-each-way commute, it is not gonna be long before I get within range. I have to face it, i'll be needing a new car someday. Unlike most people, i am not a "car guy..." I like to have that shit all paid off and not demanding of worry. One thing at a time.
Movies... the Fast and The Furious was on TV the other night. Man, do they really make movies THAT stupid? I never saw it before but I knew it'd created something of a cultural sensation. Ah well, I guess there's room for movies like that - hard to watch though (but I like a good chase scene as much as anyone). Not seen any terrific movies on the big screen of note, lately. Nothing terrible, but nothing inspiring either. Like all the other manchildren in the world I am looking forward to the next Spider-man I guess (don't really give too much of a shit, but I am sure I will check it out.. those are kinda fun to watch). And of course the Transformers movie will be out in a couple of months. I feel like I can predict already what kind of a movie it will be... honestly I hope there's a bit of fanservice in it, and it will be kind of a kick to watch no matter what I guess. But i think after what happened with the Star Wars prequels years ago, my generation has learned a valuable lesson, "you can't go back..."
I will tell ya what though, we were looking at the Arnie DVD "Total Recall" at work today. Man, I remember seeing those movies when I was a kid, back when movies were made somewhat differently than today (and they played very differently as well!) Yeah I am whiny "it's not the same as it used to be" but those action movies inthe eighties, with their---uhm, analogue SFX and stuff, extremely limited CG, greenscreen mattes, miniatures, etc etc - there's something very endearing about it. It's not like the old days of Hollywood, as there were decent budgets and established history for lots of that stuff, so things always looked good (if not unbelievable.. and somewhat limited) - but there was such a thing as Suspension of Disbelief. Nowadays movies are much higher-standard, and things look bad only if they don't look PERFECT. yes the shots are impressive and numerous, but they are not quite so novel anymore. Maybe I am just getting old..
Watching "The Children of Men" was noteworthy, along these lines - they had some very long takes, and though they were obviously choreographed (and doubtless spliced together), that shit is still very difficult (and costly) to do. In this day ad age of hyperactive ADD cuts all over the place, it was certainly something to watch that film with those ridiculous scenes (motorbike attack, soldier battle at the end of the film) and think about how they must have been created.
Not much else to report here.. my mood is alright. things have been weird in my life and it is settling down to some sort of normalcy, once again. I need to save up some money and pay off my debts (as I have said, again and again). Right now I need to concentrate on getting into focus and finding my place at work, "my gang" and all of that.. find my passion for this project. And just keep on goin'...
BTW it is nice to have health insurance again. In a couple of weeks I am gonna get me some'a them new-fangled contact lenses, yeee-hoo!!!
tired. it's the beginning of my 3rd week of work, i'm settling in. it's been busy ramping up, getting to know some of the guys there, finding my place. some cool people work there, friendly. Like i said before, it's very different than other places I've worked.. similar in some ways, as well. all game companies are comprised of nerds, just different kinds of nerds (i am a particular kind as well, shocking right?) I am starting on my levels tomorrow, after just getting used ot software/technique/styles.. I am kind of just jumping into this now. You see, every game company follows a different procedure for how they handle the production. At other studios I've worked at, I've been secondary to a designer who would usually "own" the level. In this situation, the designer apparently roughs things out in the early stage and then passes the whole thing over to me to own, very much upping my own status as designer at this point. That's a daunting thing.. exciting, though. But yeah, while I will have others to support me, I am pretty much the last person to touch my levels, it appears. This will be interesting.
Looking at the tech we have, and the "freedom" I might be enjoying (good or bad?) I feel that this will be a tremendous growing experience. I know it's trial and error, but i am up to the task.. I have spent thousands of hours building all sorts of assets to all kinds of specs by now! I know my way around.. anyway, exciting to get into the groove.
Driving back and forth between Hollywood and Orange County hasn't been as horrendous as expected, actually after my initial interview I knew it would likely be manageable. Well, 3 weeks in and it's not phasing me so far, anyway. As I have mentioned, I am putting a lot more mileage on my car (and gas into it), but there's always a tradeoff. Anyway my wits aren't frayed and I am not miserable from the drive - the trip home is rather pleasant! Long enough to feel like "how much further? ohhh almost home, there's downtown!" Seriously, probably the same commute time-wise as when I worked at Rhythm or Zoic, Left Field... never mind Boston..
though I did think that I left my house keys in my desk drawer in the office as I was at the half-way point driving home. i was SURE of it. I pulled over and searched the car, fortunately they were in he back seat (that was close, I was about to get miserable). I didn't have any way to get back into the office at that time of night, and I would have to break into my own apartment.. probably climb up the roof. Haha. it's pleasant to know that I could do that (would be burglars, ignore this.. thanks).
Before I get off the topic of cars... well, since I got paid, and my registration is expired as of Sunday, I went to get a smog test last weekend. Failed! Pissed!!!! Ah well, after 10 years and about 170,000 miles, I guess I was due. Anyway I brought it to the best mechanic ever, and he says it's all good to go and only gonna set me back $70. Well, we'll see tomorrow when I re-test. If it's for real, than I am a happier person for it. Still, the fact of the matter is - my car runs well, but it IS old. I haven't had to pour money into it in years, but it needs a tune-up badly (from the dealer) - and no matter what, I am closing in on the big 200! With my 40 mile-each-way commute, it is not gonna be long before I get within range. I have to face it, i'll be needing a new car someday. Unlike most people, i am not a "car guy..." I like to have that shit all paid off and not demanding of worry. One thing at a time.
Movies... the Fast and The Furious was on TV the other night. Man, do they really make movies THAT stupid? I never saw it before but I knew it'd created something of a cultural sensation. Ah well, I guess there's room for movies like that - hard to watch though (but I like a good chase scene as much as anyone). Not seen any terrific movies on the big screen of note, lately. Nothing terrible, but nothing inspiring either. Like all the other manchildren in the world I am looking forward to the next Spider-man I guess (don't really give too much of a shit, but I am sure I will check it out.. those are kinda fun to watch). And of course the Transformers movie will be out in a couple of months. I feel like I can predict already what kind of a movie it will be... honestly I hope there's a bit of fanservice in it, and it will be kind of a kick to watch no matter what I guess. But i think after what happened with the Star Wars prequels years ago, my generation has learned a valuable lesson, "you can't go back..."
I will tell ya what though, we were looking at the Arnie DVD "Total Recall" at work today. Man, I remember seeing those movies when I was a kid, back when movies were made somewhat differently than today (and they played very differently as well!) Yeah I am whiny "it's not the same as it used to be" but those action movies inthe eighties, with their---uhm, analogue SFX and stuff, extremely limited CG, greenscreen mattes, miniatures, etc etc - there's something very endearing about it. It's not like the old days of Hollywood, as there were decent budgets and established history for lots of that stuff, so things always looked good (if not unbelievable.. and somewhat limited) - but there was such a thing as Suspension of Disbelief. Nowadays movies are much higher-standard, and things look bad only if they don't look PERFECT. yes the shots are impressive and numerous, but they are not quite so novel anymore. Maybe I am just getting old..
Watching "The Children of Men" was noteworthy, along these lines - they had some very long takes, and though they were obviously choreographed (and doubtless spliced together), that shit is still very difficult (and costly) to do. In this day ad age of hyperactive ADD cuts all over the place, it was certainly something to watch that film with those ridiculous scenes (motorbike attack, soldier battle at the end of the film) and think about how they must have been created.
Not much else to report here.. my mood is alright. things have been weird in my life and it is settling down to some sort of normalcy, once again. I need to save up some money and pay off my debts (as I have said, again and again). Right now I need to concentrate on getting into focus and finding my place at work, "my gang" and all of that.. find my passion for this project. And just keep on goin'...
BTW it is nice to have health insurance again. In a couple of weeks I am gonna get me some'a them new-fangled contact lenses, yeee-hoo!!!
Friday, March 30, 2007
multiple carrots
whew! the week is almost wrapped up. good. i need to take care of a bunch of things this weekend... It's been a strange week. Last week was rough as it was "new job!" and i was sick, this week it's been hitting me a bit more "this is where i work now..." and that I am gonna be in it for awhile. But yah, it is definitely starting to grow on me. I have seen some other scenes from the game and it's just.. damned gorgeous. A little daunting (i have a lot of software and technique to adjust to) but I know i will be alright. I have to say, the job is good but I STILL hate orange county. I hate it, i drive around during lunch and it just makes me upset. OC's not a bad place, but it's not a place for me. Whatever, I wasn't a big fan of the valley either anyway. That being said I completely feel justified in my decision to commute to that studio from this city, rather than relocate to be closer to the office (shorten my commute). Yeah, the drive in and out is a bit on the long side, but it's not what i would call unbearable. We'll see what I am saying a year from now. But HOLY GEEZ I am going to be putting a lot of miles on my car and gas into my tank. I filled up two nights ago and already I am at half a tank. It's crazy.
We saw 300 tonite. It's may's spring break and I have been kind of a bummer boyfriend for.. awhile, so I thought it'd be a nice gesture to take her out for a decent meal and a flick (she picked). i want to take her out for a nice time this weekend as well - i feel bad 'cause she had some plans for the break which sort of fell through and she's been sort of chilling on the couch, I want her to enjoy herself before getting back to the academic grind, y'all!!
I always make fun of my Dad ("you live in the PAST!!!") as he is always talking about toys and food and stuff he remembers fondly from his childhood.. he is quit a nostalgic fella, i tell you. Well I can't hold a candle to him, or can I.. As i get older i realize i spend a lot of time in my head regurgitating the innocence of my youth, err, the material innocence of it. I grew up a pretty spoiled kid, whether it's good or bad I can't say. But i reflect on it a lot, the stuff i had when I was a kid, the long-lost weird toys of the eighties (oh come now, i am part of an extremely nostalgic generation, there's a whole cottage industry built around this phenomenon-- it ain't just me!!) I bought oneof these things off of eBay and it arrived in the mail yesterday..
yeah, i bought a tabletop pac-man, so sue me. i haven't seen one of these things in a zillion years, but it was one of my favorites when I was a wee tyke (I was a pacman junkie, to be sure). Much to my delight my folks got me one of these in.. man, 1982 or something? We used to go to the Cape Cod every summer, and I brought it with me ad left it on the floor. My Dad was skulking to the kitchen late one night, and he stepped on the &^*&(%ing thing and the top "cabinet" part broke off - the machine still worked, but it was kinda ghetto and crappy. I would put the broken-off part on my head and pretend it was a Darth Vader helmet (it's wild to look at that thing now and realize that my head was once little enough to fit in there..)
I had a Zaxxon one as well, which had a really cool dual-screen with mirror effect (not gonna try to explain!) whose batteries melted and destroyed it... and there was a series of like 4 or 5 other ones which i never had got my hands on. I am kinda tempted to lay out he cash and buy a few more just 'cause they look soooo cool... I am not real big collector but it's fun to collect things that came in real small sets, sometimes. Also, it is pret-ty nerdy. Or maybe i will just save my money for booze instead. HAW!
It is 2am, i can't believe it. I wanted to do some work tonight but instead i just surfed and blogged.. and now i must get some sleep, i've got another full day ahead of me tomorrow.
Oh yeah and halllujah it is PAYDAY!!
ps don't worry matt i haven't forgotten about your site... just settling into my new situation..
We saw 300 tonite. It's may's spring break and I have been kind of a bummer boyfriend for.. awhile, so I thought it'd be a nice gesture to take her out for a decent meal and a flick (she picked). i want to take her out for a nice time this weekend as well - i feel bad 'cause she had some plans for the break which sort of fell through and she's been sort of chilling on the couch, I want her to enjoy herself before getting back to the academic grind, y'all!!
I always make fun of my Dad ("you live in the PAST!!!") as he is always talking about toys and food and stuff he remembers fondly from his childhood.. he is quit a nostalgic fella, i tell you. Well I can't hold a candle to him, or can I.. As i get older i realize i spend a lot of time in my head regurgitating the innocence of my youth, err, the material innocence of it. I grew up a pretty spoiled kid, whether it's good or bad I can't say. But i reflect on it a lot, the stuff i had when I was a kid, the long-lost weird toys of the eighties (oh come now, i am part of an extremely nostalgic generation, there's a whole cottage industry built around this phenomenon-- it ain't just me!!) I bought oneof these things off of eBay and it arrived in the mail yesterday..
yeah, i bought a tabletop pac-man, so sue me. i haven't seen one of these things in a zillion years, but it was one of my favorites when I was a wee tyke (I was a pacman junkie, to be sure). Much to my delight my folks got me one of these in.. man, 1982 or something? We used to go to the Cape Cod every summer, and I brought it with me ad left it on the floor. My Dad was skulking to the kitchen late one night, and he stepped on the &^*&(%ing thing and the top "cabinet" part broke off - the machine still worked, but it was kinda ghetto and crappy. I would put the broken-off part on my head and pretend it was a Darth Vader helmet (it's wild to look at that thing now and realize that my head was once little enough to fit in there..)
I had a Zaxxon one as well, which had a really cool dual-screen with mirror effect (not gonna try to explain!) whose batteries melted and destroyed it... and there was a series of like 4 or 5 other ones which i never had got my hands on. I am kinda tempted to lay out he cash and buy a few more just 'cause they look soooo cool... I am not real big collector but it's fun to collect things that came in real small sets, sometimes. Also, it is pret-ty nerdy. Or maybe i will just save my money for booze instead. HAW!
It is 2am, i can't believe it. I wanted to do some work tonight but instead i just surfed and blogged.. and now i must get some sleep, i've got another full day ahead of me tomorrow.
Oh yeah and halllujah it is PAYDAY!!
ps don't worry matt i haven't forgotten about your site... just settling into my new situation..
Sunday, March 25, 2007
maximum results yielded by minimum effort
first week of work = all done. interesting times, very much so - shitty in that already i am sitting amidst a hotbed of potential politics, sort of. is there ever ANY WAY OUT OF THAT?? Fucking clearly not, ever. What else is there, then. I guess "i love it..."
I guess I am getting old. I KNOW i am already getting more neurotic. Dude, I bought rogaine today. I bought ROGAINE today!! That's unbelievable! I can't believe it.. maybe i should sign up for the goddamned 401k plan after all. Sigh, whine, wheeze.. where are my golf pants, Maureen?
Edwin and I went to the Asian Night at the Vanguard last night. That guy can talk me into anything "yeah, twist my arm!" Well,it was fun. I needed to celebrate I guess, and what better way to do it than doing what i do best.. anyway it was fun. we had a long night and ended up at another place up the street. It was alright... another forgettable evening plowed into oblivion by a lil' excessive jagermeister. Always winds up with me in one piece (hey if i die quite suddenly, at least i'll have never seen it coming)
It was a weird week, kind of sad. The dust is clearing, so to speak. i have a BEHEMOTH of work ahead of me, in some ways.. i have to learn a lot of new skills and make a good impression. Rebuild my rep from scratch yet again, man.. i am kinda tired of this. I do what i have to, and it'll feel a lot better after I get that first paycheck in my bank account. Till then it's a little of "herrrrre we go again, tis time with a little feeling, sucker..." But yeah. a weird week. It is The Future, welcome to it.
Buying some shit on ebay lately. yea. some SHIT. For real. Stuff i dn't really want, or need, and probably can't afford. It's alright, we are all allowed a little stupid leeway here and there now and again (then in now, if and then, fore and aft). EBay is like A Magic Endless Vegas Christmassy experience. So gratifying "what can i get away with?? what crap would I LOVE?" This is coming from a guy who likes to own almost nothing. Okay, I Am being harsh on myself for a minute, I am not so shameful. I just want to have my ow stupid shit that is completely irrelvant to my real life for 15 minutes out of my day to distract me from the other shit (like Rogaine). Anyway there's something magical about coming home from work and finding brown packages containing cool surprises randomly left at your door. Or did I just describe dog shit.
We went to an Art Show tonight, a former coworker of mine had some sculpture being shown at this gallery opening. I was expecting a quiet mellow night, the place turned out to be packed to overflowing. It was pretty much a mob scene (hey well ya know, free rinks). I don't know this person very well, but he is a really nice guy, very talented and honestly.. in this digital field we all work in, it is nice to see someone I know actually doing some creative production which is tactile (more so than just a PS3 disc with some GBs of data on it...) It was nice to go out, but a bit weird.. I haven't anything against Santa Monica, though it can be a bitch to drive over there sometimes (not real bad though). I have got spoiled in that i live in a hip area, and I can easily "let my hair down" and get back home with no real problems. I won't really get shitfaced when I am out of my Comfort Radius unless it's a special-special occasion, and half those times i can't really "feel right" 'cause my alter ego cant justcome and go as he pleases (and oh yeah, he pleases). It's too bad 'cause there's a whole world out there to explore. But good 'case it keeps me outta trouble.. I guess.
Anyway a bunch of old coworkers at the party. Some fellas I hadn't really seen since I got let go, um, 6 months ago. You know, i'll always hold my time at Neversoft with a degree of reverance, as I've always said "imagine working with all of your best friends, that's what it's like" and it was really true.. it was a happy time for me, even when it was miserably obnoxious. So yeah, good to see those old guys again, but in this weird context, makes me kind of want to put that chapter of my life behind ad get on with the new one - there's a whole lot of work to do, yet.
One of the bosses was there as well (one of the guys who pulled the trigger and fired me) - which was a little awkward. Man, I cannot express, even now after this time has passed I STILL strongly fantasize about telling those assholes off.. it makes me raelly bitter, just makes me feel like useless shit. I know "it's business and all" but for crying out loud! I want comeuppance! Well I could say shit, but I am mature enough not to be a dick and shoot myself in the foot like that. he did say hi and what's up and all of that, i didn't humor him with any bullshitty small-talk - I really don't wanna go into that. I wanna say i wonder what I'd do if had been drunk, but I don't think i'd be out of control about it then either.
I guess some of this happens in life to you, from time to time.. you have a situation where it's the you that you WANT to be and the you that you HAVE to be.. you just gotta suck up and do the right thing, be productive and well.. not a dick. Anyway the art world is a weird one. It's not something that I honestly am attracted to, in the business/social sense, though I can see it's usefulness at times. It is pretty irritating though. Coming from a guy who lives in Hollywood.. wtvr.
I guess I am getting old. I KNOW i am already getting more neurotic. Dude, I bought rogaine today. I bought ROGAINE today!! That's unbelievable! I can't believe it.. maybe i should sign up for the goddamned 401k plan after all. Sigh, whine, wheeze.. where are my golf pants, Maureen?
Edwin and I went to the Asian Night at the Vanguard last night. That guy can talk me into anything "yeah, twist my arm!" Well,it was fun. I needed to celebrate I guess, and what better way to do it than doing what i do best.. anyway it was fun. we had a long night and ended up at another place up the street. It was alright... another forgettable evening plowed into oblivion by a lil' excessive jagermeister. Always winds up with me in one piece (hey if i die quite suddenly, at least i'll have never seen it coming)
It was a weird week, kind of sad. The dust is clearing, so to speak. i have a BEHEMOTH of work ahead of me, in some ways.. i have to learn a lot of new skills and make a good impression. Rebuild my rep from scratch yet again, man.. i am kinda tired of this. I do what i have to, and it'll feel a lot better after I get that first paycheck in my bank account. Till then it's a little of "herrrrre we go again, tis time with a little feeling, sucker..." But yeah. a weird week. It is The Future, welcome to it.
Buying some shit on ebay lately. yea. some SHIT. For real. Stuff i dn't really want, or need, and probably can't afford. It's alright, we are all allowed a little stupid leeway here and there now and again (then in now, if and then, fore and aft). EBay is like A Magic Endless Vegas Christmassy experience. So gratifying "what can i get away with?? what crap would I LOVE?" This is coming from a guy who likes to own almost nothing. Okay, I Am being harsh on myself for a minute, I am not so shameful. I just want to have my ow stupid shit that is completely irrelvant to my real life for 15 minutes out of my day to distract me from the other shit (like Rogaine). Anyway there's something magical about coming home from work and finding brown packages containing cool surprises randomly left at your door. Or did I just describe dog shit.
We went to an Art Show tonight, a former coworker of mine had some sculpture being shown at this gallery opening. I was expecting a quiet mellow night, the place turned out to be packed to overflowing. It was pretty much a mob scene (hey well ya know, free rinks). I don't know this person very well, but he is a really nice guy, very talented and honestly.. in this digital field we all work in, it is nice to see someone I know actually doing some creative production which is tactile (more so than just a PS3 disc with some GBs of data on it...) It was nice to go out, but a bit weird.. I haven't anything against Santa Monica, though it can be a bitch to drive over there sometimes (not real bad though). I have got spoiled in that i live in a hip area, and I can easily "let my hair down" and get back home with no real problems. I won't really get shitfaced when I am out of my Comfort Radius unless it's a special-special occasion, and half those times i can't really "feel right" 'cause my alter ego cant justcome and go as he pleases (and oh yeah, he pleases). It's too bad 'cause there's a whole world out there to explore. But good 'case it keeps me outta trouble.. I guess.
Anyway a bunch of old coworkers at the party. Some fellas I hadn't really seen since I got let go, um, 6 months ago. You know, i'll always hold my time at Neversoft with a degree of reverance, as I've always said "imagine working with all of your best friends, that's what it's like" and it was really true.. it was a happy time for me, even when it was miserably obnoxious. So yeah, good to see those old guys again, but in this weird context, makes me kind of want to put that chapter of my life behind ad get on with the new one - there's a whole lot of work to do, yet.
One of the bosses was there as well (one of the guys who pulled the trigger and fired me) - which was a little awkward. Man, I cannot express, even now after this time has passed I STILL strongly fantasize about telling those assholes off.. it makes me raelly bitter, just makes me feel like useless shit. I know "it's business and all" but for crying out loud! I want comeuppance! Well I could say shit, but I am mature enough not to be a dick and shoot myself in the foot like that. he did say hi and what's up and all of that, i didn't humor him with any bullshitty small-talk - I really don't wanna go into that. I wanna say i wonder what I'd do if had been drunk, but I don't think i'd be out of control about it then either.
I guess some of this happens in life to you, from time to time.. you have a situation where it's the you that you WANT to be and the you that you HAVE to be.. you just gotta suck up and do the right thing, be productive and well.. not a dick. Anyway the art world is a weird one. It's not something that I honestly am attracted to, in the business/social sense, though I can see it's usefulness at times. It is pretty irritating though. Coming from a guy who lives in Hollywood.. wtvr.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
aw shucks
I feel like this was the last time i was really happy and carefree. Ironically i was recently fired, but i guess my life was sorta coming apart at the seams anyway, just then.
Seeing those pics pisses me off, almost - I want to be happy like that, again! I will settle down with this job and get back to regularity. Accomplish the goals I have set (get out of debt, become better at my job, etc). But if I am still feeling bummed then I am gonna do something positive about it.. I need to have some good times again.
Seize the day, as they say...
Seeing those pics pisses me off, almost - I want to be happy like that, again! I will settle down with this job and get back to regularity. Accomplish the goals I have set (get out of debt, become better at my job, etc). But if I am still feeling bummed then I am gonna do something positive about it.. I need to have some good times again.
Seize the day, as they say...
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
first day at Obsidian Entertainment
well, sick of blogging, but good to be historical. My how time flies.. well after 6 months of confusion, today was my first day at "the new job." I accepted it not even a full week ago, and just a couple of days ago I was still stressing over "should i pass? can i pull out, is it too late.. should i just snap and go to new york!!?"
Yeah, there's no way that stuff can't still be lingering in my head, at least not for a little while. I am getting lots of weird feedback from all sorts of people "why did you do this?" Next time I have major life decisions to make I will just keep them to myself, apparently.. haha. Anyway, Obsidian is.. NOT Neversoft, that's for damned sure. Completely different vibe. It is weird being "the new guy" again, the one who gets introduced in a flash to tons of more-established-at-that-studio people. They put up a little message on the company internet board "welcome to Ron Alpert!" And then there was a brief monday afternoon company meeting "Welcome Ron Alpert from Neversoft" (clapping) Yeah, I guess I have a little bit of an image now.
Actually it was a really terrible 1st day. I didn't have an awful drive in, in fact it took me exactly one hour (whew!) and the traffic wasn't crippling as I was expecting. But all day I was nursing a fresh new cold, sneezing and dripping all day to the delight of onlookers and new fellow coworkers (do you detect my sarcasm?) If not for being my first day I'd have taken it off, actually. But I soldiered thru it - got all my apps installed, all my quick keys and custom-software configurations set up.. did some paperwork, and started soaking up the design docs for the project I'll be spending the next year and change of my life living intimately with.
To reiterate - Obsidian is NOT NEVERSOFT. Not by a longshot. This place is relatively "new" (2003) but borne of the ashes of an older company with many of the same principles - anyway, probably at least as old as NS if not a little older, but completely different style. NS is all about the punk rock and roll "bad boy" culture, this place is more of the "laid back 'we're a production studio'" vibe. Not as hectic and intense.. it's gonna be weird to adjust to a more "normal job," but i do know one thing - the game, while not my usual cup of tea, has some potential to be a GOOD looking piece of software, regardless of how it ends up selling. I can tell there's a lot of room here, for a guy like me to really come into my own on the graphics side. Well, we'll see. NS trained me for speed, efficiency and juggling technical issues (frame rates and delicate poly/texture budgets, etc) and this place looks like it will be more relaxed in those areas (new console gene, completely different game format). Unfortunately I can't discuss the context here, for the time being...
OC still pisses me off. Yeah, it's very pretty and I will adjust to the drive. If today's commute is "the usual" then I will be satisfied. There's some folks who can't stand being en route to work more than 15 minutes or so, and I can understand that. I have to keep this apartment though, I need to be where my fun is at. It's all a compromise.
We'll see how my attitude is in a couple of months.. hahaha.
To conclude, I'll say I am super-driven now to start picking my life back up from the limbo it's been in. I want to start pushing forward with my plans for "the next step," because whirling around in an endless semi-circle is suffocating to me. I keep picturing another name on my resume, at some point it is gonna be 2009 and what have I got to show when that comes? Another name. Another studio. I can't do this same schtick forever. It's so tiring to think of.
Yeah, there's no way that stuff can't still be lingering in my head, at least not for a little while. I am getting lots of weird feedback from all sorts of people "why did you do this?" Next time I have major life decisions to make I will just keep them to myself, apparently.. haha. Anyway, Obsidian is.. NOT Neversoft, that's for damned sure. Completely different vibe. It is weird being "the new guy" again, the one who gets introduced in a flash to tons of more-established-at-that-studio people. They put up a little message on the company internet board "welcome to Ron Alpert!" And then there was a brief monday afternoon company meeting "Welcome Ron Alpert from Neversoft" (clapping) Yeah, I guess I have a little bit of an image now.
Actually it was a really terrible 1st day. I didn't have an awful drive in, in fact it took me exactly one hour (whew!) and the traffic wasn't crippling as I was expecting. But all day I was nursing a fresh new cold, sneezing and dripping all day to the delight of onlookers and new fellow coworkers (do you detect my sarcasm?) If not for being my first day I'd have taken it off, actually. But I soldiered thru it - got all my apps installed, all my quick keys and custom-software configurations set up.. did some paperwork, and started soaking up the design docs for the project I'll be spending the next year and change of my life living intimately with.
To reiterate - Obsidian is NOT NEVERSOFT. Not by a longshot. This place is relatively "new" (2003) but borne of the ashes of an older company with many of the same principles - anyway, probably at least as old as NS if not a little older, but completely different style. NS is all about the punk rock and roll "bad boy" culture, this place is more of the "laid back 'we're a production studio'" vibe. Not as hectic and intense.. it's gonna be weird to adjust to a more "normal job," but i do know one thing - the game, while not my usual cup of tea, has some potential to be a GOOD looking piece of software, regardless of how it ends up selling. I can tell there's a lot of room here, for a guy like me to really come into my own on the graphics side. Well, we'll see. NS trained me for speed, efficiency and juggling technical issues (frame rates and delicate poly/texture budgets, etc) and this place looks like it will be more relaxed in those areas (new console gene, completely different game format). Unfortunately I can't discuss the context here, for the time being...
OC still pisses me off. Yeah, it's very pretty and I will adjust to the drive. If today's commute is "the usual" then I will be satisfied. There's some folks who can't stand being en route to work more than 15 minutes or so, and I can understand that. I have to keep this apartment though, I need to be where my fun is at. It's all a compromise.
We'll see how my attitude is in a couple of months.. hahaha.
To conclude, I'll say I am super-driven now to start picking my life back up from the limbo it's been in. I want to start pushing forward with my plans for "the next step," because whirling around in an endless semi-circle is suffocating to me. I keep picturing another name on my resume, at some point it is gonna be 2009 and what have I got to show when that comes? Another name. Another studio. I can't do this same schtick forever. It's so tiring to think of.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
america's favourite neurotik sun
here i am. i haven't blogged in awhile. by jove i am sick to death of blogging! i am tired of it, like several things i have become slavishly addicted to it and while i's not quite so... destructive as my other addictions, it's certainly putting some wear 'n tear on my soul (and perhaps my lifestyle). well before i lay low for real, i will put down some updates for those curious as to the life and times of my twisted soul.
the last couple of weeks have been some of the most obnoxious of my life - existing in my own head has been a party of evilness. rather than being happy that my days in limbo were numbered, i have felt like i have been sitting at crossroads (or, more appropriately, staring down the barrel of a gun, sonofagun, sonofabitch, getting paid, gettin' rich). stay? go? A B C? I decided to take the job in orange county, southern california. NYC was taking too long to gt back to me while there had been a lingering offer to work locally (well, locally enough) on the table. The circumstances that led to my decision, as usual, were dubious. In the end, as I have all along, I stand by my choice as the proper one. I don't regret it. I won't lie - i am filled with sadness and disappointment. I WANT to reinvent myself for the umpteenth time. I want to pull a trigger and mow myself down in the middle of a crowded Los Angelean street for all to see and as the blood and pieces of brain and skull splatter behind and around me and onto the boulevard, I want to be a fresh naked baby cavorting and tearing up a different town with a different crowd with different places to do, different bars to get wasted at, different personalities to be soiled by. Yeah, I want a change... but I have a change and not at the cost of this future. That's not to say myother future would be bad either, at all. "life's a crapshoot."
Anyway I am not the type who will seriously question "what if... what if.." until the end of my days. I can change my environment but i can't really change my character. After 32 years of being trapped in this shell I know myself somewhat half-decently by now. If I was in a different town I'd find the same type of people, the same type of girl, the same type of jobs. Instead of being sad that I'd stayed with the less mysterious life I've got out here, I'd be sad about all the sacrifices I'd just made to get over there. An eye for an eye. And then I could deal with the consequences.
Okay well I can talk about this up and down, but the reality is.. I am sick to death of the limbo, and happy to be getting into my new situation tomorrow. Yeah my drive will be a pain in the butt. yeah Orange County is drab and colorless. Yeah I might get stuck in another Art Cave with no natural light and bitter people all up in my face. But at least i will be happy doing what I am doing, and excited for where it's directing me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I want to start living. I want to fix my bike. I want to buy a skateboard. I want to draw, I want to read more. I want to pay off my credit debt and get my car all fixed up ad running smoothly. I want to stop pissing off my girlfriend. I want to go back to the gym. I want to limit the time I spend in front of the PC when it's not quite so essential that i be in front of it. I want to discover some new music, meet some new people. Drink less alcohol and eat less shitty fast food.
...
I want to indulge some different bad habits...
I don't want to write in this blog anymore. (Watch me be back on Wednesday)
the last couple of weeks have been some of the most obnoxious of my life - existing in my own head has been a party of evilness. rather than being happy that my days in limbo were numbered, i have felt like i have been sitting at crossroads (or, more appropriately, staring down the barrel of a gun, sonofagun, sonofabitch, getting paid, gettin' rich). stay? go? A B C? I decided to take the job in orange county, southern california. NYC was taking too long to gt back to me while there had been a lingering offer to work locally (well, locally enough) on the table. The circumstances that led to my decision, as usual, were dubious. In the end, as I have all along, I stand by my choice as the proper one. I don't regret it. I won't lie - i am filled with sadness and disappointment. I WANT to reinvent myself for the umpteenth time. I want to pull a trigger and mow myself down in the middle of a crowded Los Angelean street for all to see and as the blood and pieces of brain and skull splatter behind and around me and onto the boulevard, I want to be a fresh naked baby cavorting and tearing up a different town with a different crowd with different places to do, different bars to get wasted at, different personalities to be soiled by. Yeah, I want a change... but I have a change and not at the cost of this future. That's not to say myother future would be bad either, at all. "life's a crapshoot."
Anyway I am not the type who will seriously question "what if... what if.." until the end of my days. I can change my environment but i can't really change my character. After 32 years of being trapped in this shell I know myself somewhat half-decently by now. If I was in a different town I'd find the same type of people, the same type of girl, the same type of jobs. Instead of being sad that I'd stayed with the less mysterious life I've got out here, I'd be sad about all the sacrifices I'd just made to get over there. An eye for an eye. And then I could deal with the consequences.
Okay well I can talk about this up and down, but the reality is.. I am sick to death of the limbo, and happy to be getting into my new situation tomorrow. Yeah my drive will be a pain in the butt. yeah Orange County is drab and colorless. Yeah I might get stuck in another Art Cave with no natural light and bitter people all up in my face. But at least i will be happy doing what I am doing, and excited for where it's directing me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I want to start living. I want to fix my bike. I want to buy a skateboard. I want to draw, I want to read more. I want to pay off my credit debt and get my car all fixed up ad running smoothly. I want to stop pissing off my girlfriend. I want to go back to the gym. I want to limit the time I spend in front of the PC when it's not quite so essential that i be in front of it. I want to discover some new music, meet some new people. Drink less alcohol and eat less shitty fast food.
...
I want to indulge some different bad habits...
I don't want to write in this blog anymore. (Watch me be back on Wednesday)
Sunday, March 11, 2007
the point?
looked at the clock "what the hell, almost 4am already, how...?" then it's hits me "oh yeah, daylight savings..."
stayed in tonight, i spent a day of utter nothingness (once again) and was feeling a little bit of cabin fever, "it's saturday night - i should do SOMETHING!!" But the cool sat nite spot i used to semi-frequent has been turned into a gay club, and the place where the non-gay event got moved is kind of a shitty place (though close - i just get a crappy vibe from it). Well, whatever. besides as noted earlier, i went out friday night and spent a couple bucks i shouldn't've.. though, really, i can't feel too terrible about such things as spending too much time locked down tends to make me kind of nuts and miserable.
i got some zankou and watched a little bit of television (documentary). The older I get,the more i realize that I am quite different from many of my peers, in that i will rarely watch television, rent movies, etc at all. I know i have said this before, but it's to the point where i feel quite alien compared to the rest of the western civilization. the majority of the stuff out there just doesn't captivate me like it used to when i was younger, perhaps the internet has spoiled me (much more interactive). Also I am just not one who likes to watch canned "fake shitty stories, half-realized fanboy fantasy tripe" that seem to make up the bulk of what passes for modern cinema. I'm being harsh, there are definitely plenty of good films, but honestly - it's been YEARS since I was excited about a film. There have been releases here and there which may have caused me to raise an eyebrow, but nothing to the tune of "i HAVE to see this, it will enrich my life" - i just haven't had such a feeling in so long, between any film or television event and i do not miss it one bit. I guess I am a very specific type of nerd, then. On the other side of the world, i DO love learning things.
On top of all i've just written above, i am as fabulous as anyone else at "wasting time," perhaps more so than many - that may have to do with the weirder aspects of my personality.
I have been looking around on "the 3D forums" on the internet a little bit, lately. it's where "i came from," really i have learned so much about my craft back in the day from the discussion groups - but in the past few years my attentions have turned to other things. 3D is still at the forefront of my mind for various reasons, and due to my past as a generalist (as opposed to my current state as "level artist") i always wanna have some kind of a finger on the pulse of what is going on in "the scene" and feel that i know what's up and how to keep current. man, it is humbling to go back - i look in the forums (my favorite has always been http://maxforums.org/) and see what kind of work people are generating, many of whom are just hobbyists, and it blows my mind. makes me feel out of touch. excites me ""ohh i wanna try doing that stuff!" but i know i'd be looking at months of work to go off in a different direction now. which brings me to an important thought-- what the devil do i want? i look at the work i have been doing, and this plan i have had.. i know my capabilities, and i know where my industry is headed, and i KNOW i have to keep evolving in order to keep up. do i want to flesh out my repertoire more? when will i start learning more about human anatomy, character art? when will i put in some hardcore hours doing lighting.. vehicle design.. complicated material work? i know bits and pieces of all sorts of puzzles, and i can make a damned fine city block no questions asked.. but then what? just keep doing what i am doing and call it a day?
i have been musing a lot lately, about "starting a project" - i want to further delve into game design, pretty much. for a guy like me in a game world like this, to say that is something huge because i am soooo NOT a "modern-day gamer" by a longshot. i am still an active-enough retrogamer, and that's my gimmick i guess. But it's not just a trifling fancy for me, this is something i can see as some opportunity for me to evolve beyond just being a shitty staff grunt, as i've been for the past decade of my life. i feel like it's screaming at me, and it's not like i am walking around proclaiming this without anything to back up my plans. i have thoughts all bubbling over in my head, waiting to get the juices flowing, waiting for a language of expression to be developed. it seems like such a no-brainer, not 'cause "i want to make more money"but because this is something new and different and more necessary for me to explore. even if it goes nowhere, i have to at least start trying to flesh some of these ideas out beyond my normal means. it is exciting to me, in these days when i can't know how otherwise to feel excited, generally.
i feel odd. i have been unemployed roughly six months (not yet, but nearly). that's half the longest time i have been out of work - and i have been quite busy for much of the time, but the past several weeks i have been rather non-productive. i attribute it to burn-out, exhaustion, a feeling of "who gives a shit." I can keep making better pieces for my reel, and should, and it would be nice, but.. i will work again, there's no need to rush it. i feel like this time is sort of wasted though, i should be enjoying it then, instead of just puttering about uselessly. wasting my time and my mind, in a way. well, that's a hibernation period, it's not like i've had my head stuck completely in the sand anyway.
it feels good to type this stuff out (there's the therapeutic aspect of blogging), but putting it out there raises some questions for me, and makes me reconsider the direction i have been pushing with my head and my heart lately. it's really an aggravating time - i still don't know what is supposed to happen, what it is that i want to make me happy. in spite of my bitching, it makes me proud of my work (and thankful for my view of the world, even if it's kind of pissy and dark - at least it's unique and it's mine). I still have my ideas to hold onto, and they matter to me!
stayed in tonight, i spent a day of utter nothingness (once again) and was feeling a little bit of cabin fever, "it's saturday night - i should do SOMETHING!!" But the cool sat nite spot i used to semi-frequent has been turned into a gay club, and the place where the non-gay event got moved is kind of a shitty place (though close - i just get a crappy vibe from it). Well, whatever. besides as noted earlier, i went out friday night and spent a couple bucks i shouldn't've.. though, really, i can't feel too terrible about such things as spending too much time locked down tends to make me kind of nuts and miserable.
i got some zankou and watched a little bit of television (documentary). The older I get,the more i realize that I am quite different from many of my peers, in that i will rarely watch television, rent movies, etc at all. I know i have said this before, but it's to the point where i feel quite alien compared to the rest of the western civilization. the majority of the stuff out there just doesn't captivate me like it used to when i was younger, perhaps the internet has spoiled me (much more interactive). Also I am just not one who likes to watch canned "fake shitty stories, half-realized fanboy fantasy tripe" that seem to make up the bulk of what passes for modern cinema. I'm being harsh, there are definitely plenty of good films, but honestly - it's been YEARS since I was excited about a film. There have been releases here and there which may have caused me to raise an eyebrow, but nothing to the tune of "i HAVE to see this, it will enrich my life" - i just haven't had such a feeling in so long, between any film or television event and i do not miss it one bit. I guess I am a very specific type of nerd, then. On the other side of the world, i DO love learning things.
On top of all i've just written above, i am as fabulous as anyone else at "wasting time," perhaps more so than many - that may have to do with the weirder aspects of my personality.
I have been looking around on "the 3D forums" on the internet a little bit, lately. it's where "i came from," really i have learned so much about my craft back in the day from the discussion groups - but in the past few years my attentions have turned to other things. 3D is still at the forefront of my mind for various reasons, and due to my past as a generalist (as opposed to my current state as "level artist") i always wanna have some kind of a finger on the pulse of what is going on in "the scene" and feel that i know what's up and how to keep current. man, it is humbling to go back - i look in the forums (my favorite has always been http://maxforums.org/) and see what kind of work people are generating, many of whom are just hobbyists, and it blows my mind. makes me feel out of touch. excites me ""ohh i wanna try doing that stuff!" but i know i'd be looking at months of work to go off in a different direction now. which brings me to an important thought-- what the devil do i want? i look at the work i have been doing, and this plan i have had.. i know my capabilities, and i know where my industry is headed, and i KNOW i have to keep evolving in order to keep up. do i want to flesh out my repertoire more? when will i start learning more about human anatomy, character art? when will i put in some hardcore hours doing lighting.. vehicle design.. complicated material work? i know bits and pieces of all sorts of puzzles, and i can make a damned fine city block no questions asked.. but then what? just keep doing what i am doing and call it a day?
i have been musing a lot lately, about "starting a project" - i want to further delve into game design, pretty much. for a guy like me in a game world like this, to say that is something huge because i am soooo NOT a "modern-day gamer" by a longshot. i am still an active-enough retrogamer, and that's my gimmick i guess. But it's not just a trifling fancy for me, this is something i can see as some opportunity for me to evolve beyond just being a shitty staff grunt, as i've been for the past decade of my life. i feel like it's screaming at me, and it's not like i am walking around proclaiming this without anything to back up my plans. i have thoughts all bubbling over in my head, waiting to get the juices flowing, waiting for a language of expression to be developed. it seems like such a no-brainer, not 'cause "i want to make more money"but because this is something new and different and more necessary for me to explore. even if it goes nowhere, i have to at least start trying to flesh some of these ideas out beyond my normal means. it is exciting to me, in these days when i can't know how otherwise to feel excited, generally.
i feel odd. i have been unemployed roughly six months (not yet, but nearly). that's half the longest time i have been out of work - and i have been quite busy for much of the time, but the past several weeks i have been rather non-productive. i attribute it to burn-out, exhaustion, a feeling of "who gives a shit." I can keep making better pieces for my reel, and should, and it would be nice, but.. i will work again, there's no need to rush it. i feel like this time is sort of wasted though, i should be enjoying it then, instead of just puttering about uselessly. wasting my time and my mind, in a way. well, that's a hibernation period, it's not like i've had my head stuck completely in the sand anyway.
it feels good to type this stuff out (there's the therapeutic aspect of blogging), but putting it out there raises some questions for me, and makes me reconsider the direction i have been pushing with my head and my heart lately. it's really an aggravating time - i still don't know what is supposed to happen, what it is that i want to make me happy. in spite of my bitching, it makes me proud of my work (and thankful for my view of the world, even if it's kind of pissy and dark - at least it's unique and it's mine). I still have my ideas to hold onto, and they matter to me!
Saturday, March 10, 2007
blogs is bars logs
oh so no new jobs news yet. so don't ask.
things are alright. went out with that jew matt yesterday and tried to convince him to stay on the one true path to glory, fame, and love. stay away from the darkside of teaching! he helped me re-output my demo video (web version) and we hustled back to hollywood for beer, shabu shabu and much nerdy talk of dr. who with tyler. we wound up at M bar then three of clubs, as usual i drank a bit more than i should but no harm came of it. ate me some wontons in thai town, no jumbo's but i will survive. sigh...
another beautiful day outside. 3pm. once again i find myself sitting on my ass doing absolutely nothing. i have things in my head to do but my charge seems drained "my get up and go has got up and gone, i hanker for a hunk'a cheese, YA-HOO!!" Yeah, i think i need some electricity. some exercise. somethin'. maybe i will grab my bleepity-cbleep-bleep camera and walk my two legs on into town. take some pics and eat a hotdog, YES I NEED A FUCKING CHANGE OF SCENERY WHY DO YOU ASK....
well, just some point...
-------------------------------------------------------------
comedy clubs are weird. comedians are weird. personally i think they're a bunch of drunks, they have got balls though. i can think of a zillion weird-ass things to say (not really funny, just strange) but i couldn't imagine standing up in front of a room of strangers to spit 'em out. though that might be strangely cathartic. Oh, business and craft is a weird mix, it messes with your principles, it takes away (for me anyway) the original purpose of doing what one does.. it's compromise.. and in the end i think i understand why some people are content to have hobbies and not mix work with play. on the other hand, some people are ALL work or ALL play no matter what. why are people like that -- necessity? well if you ask me, in the end everything is a game.
---------------------------------------------------------------
dust is funny. i feel autistic staring at it.. it just collects everywhere. i wonder how long on has to sleep before they'll get dusty. hey, it's happened! it's like tiny, non-cold snow that's kind of clumpy and gross. meanwhile, cement mixers started fascinating me the other day (oh, the things i think of while driving). So let me get this straight.. they have to keep shifting that shit or it'll solidify? i wonder how many cement mixer accidents there were before they figured out the proper speed of the mixer to turn. i wonder how many times a cement mixer can be used and reused without being "cleaned and scraped out" before it's too gukky and useless. i wonder if we'll ever see cement mixer jets. how rad would that be!! come on, you know they've had to transport cement while it was being mixed through long distances. surely, in history, its happened - right? so what, do they just get some big-ass plane and put a cement mixer in it, that's fucking expensive no? why not just build a dedicated cement mixing plane? (not helicopter, that sounds overly complex). I am not down with cement mixer boats either, i just thought of it but it sounds even less practical than the plane version. it just sounds like it's begging for trouble. like if the plane crashes, it'll all just blow up -- so fine, whatever. but if the boat crashed or whatever, then there's shitty cement leaking out all over the place, remember the valdez? need i say more? am i a genius or what?
things are alright. went out with that jew matt yesterday and tried to convince him to stay on the one true path to glory, fame, and love. stay away from the darkside of teaching! he helped me re-output my demo video (web version) and we hustled back to hollywood for beer, shabu shabu and much nerdy talk of dr. who with tyler. we wound up at M bar then three of clubs, as usual i drank a bit more than i should but no harm came of it. ate me some wontons in thai town, no jumbo's but i will survive. sigh...
another beautiful day outside. 3pm. once again i find myself sitting on my ass doing absolutely nothing. i have things in my head to do but my charge seems drained "my get up and go has got up and gone, i hanker for a hunk'a cheese, YA-HOO!!" Yeah, i think i need some electricity. some exercise. somethin'. maybe i will grab my bleepity-cbleep-bleep camera and walk my two legs on into town. take some pics and eat a hotdog, YES I NEED A FUCKING CHANGE OF SCENERY WHY DO YOU ASK....
well, just some point...
-------------------------------------------------------------
comedy clubs are weird. comedians are weird. personally i think they're a bunch of drunks, they have got balls though. i can think of a zillion weird-ass things to say (not really funny, just strange) but i couldn't imagine standing up in front of a room of strangers to spit 'em out. though that might be strangely cathartic. Oh, business and craft is a weird mix, it messes with your principles, it takes away (for me anyway) the original purpose of doing what one does.. it's compromise.. and in the end i think i understand why some people are content to have hobbies and not mix work with play. on the other hand, some people are ALL work or ALL play no matter what. why are people like that -- necessity? well if you ask me, in the end everything is a game.
---------------------------------------------------------------
dust is funny. i feel autistic staring at it.. it just collects everywhere. i wonder how long on has to sleep before they'll get dusty. hey, it's happened! it's like tiny, non-cold snow that's kind of clumpy and gross. meanwhile, cement mixers started fascinating me the other day (oh, the things i think of while driving). So let me get this straight.. they have to keep shifting that shit or it'll solidify? i wonder how many cement mixer accidents there were before they figured out the proper speed of the mixer to turn. i wonder how many times a cement mixer can be used and reused without being "cleaned and scraped out" before it's too gukky and useless. i wonder if we'll ever see cement mixer jets. how rad would that be!! come on, you know they've had to transport cement while it was being mixed through long distances. surely, in history, its happened - right? so what, do they just get some big-ass plane and put a cement mixer in it, that's fucking expensive no? why not just build a dedicated cement mixing plane? (not helicopter, that sounds overly complex). I am not down with cement mixer boats either, i just thought of it but it sounds even less practical than the plane version. it just sounds like it's begging for trouble. like if the plane crashes, it'll all just blow up -- so fine, whatever. but if the boat crashed or whatever, then there's shitty cement leaking out all over the place, remember the valdez? need i say more? am i a genius or what?
Friday, March 09, 2007
what were your intentions, exactly
sit at computer. slight headache. feel lethargic, not hungry - eating getting boring. read a bunch of posts about stupid game convention and everyone marvels at new stupid technology.
log into myspace "must type blog." McDonald's advertisement flashing with cut-out of delicious looking cheeseburger is dripping down the page. Okay NOW i am hungry.
Pfah. lethargy wins once again. It's a long empty day today - i went to yuca's for the second time this week, i think i could probably eat that carne asada burrito every single day for like 3 weeks straight and not get tired of it. it's like crack. i could eat one right now, they'd have to put jalapenos in it though. i could eat that for lunch and zankou schwaerma for dinner every night. that'd be a pretty satisfying life for me. i'd have horrible gas, and be real fat, and dead, but i would die happy. also i would have to have some armenian deli roast beef sandwiches too. man, am i really gonna want to drive all the way over to the valley to get one of those for lunch tomorrow? has it really been almost 6 months since i've sampled that culinary delight?
i'm what you would call a food bore. I go to a place, i find one thing i like, and then from then on after i have found the one thing, i will order that shit ad nauseam (there's a joke in there, i just know it). Casey's hot dogs in Natick, MA - 3 all-arounds with ketchup, a Pepsi. Antonio's in Amherst - Taco Pizza. Subway, before they changed the fucking meat (assHOLES!) - steak and cheese with everything. i can never have it again! Togo's? Tuna sandwich. BJ's Brewhouse? Chopped BBQ Chicken Salad (also at CPK, though not as delectable). Quizno's, chicken carbonera sub --- milly's, tuna melt.. Mel's, Reuben with Coleslaw instead of Sauerkraut. SanamLuaung, however it is spelled, the Pad thai chicken with sweet n sour sauce, and a thai iced tea. hey I could go there and get one NOW.
is everyone like me? does everyone relentlessly order the same shit nonstop? or am i just an unimaginative person with a simplified palate? Is this what happens from growing up and not eating seafood? Why am i so BORING AND PREDICTABLE? Maybe one day i will enter a fugue disassociative state and forget all my memories and what food i am supposed to eat. That's pretty unlikely. I think it goes down DEEP, to my neurons. Which are pretty deep.
So can you tell that i have been doing nothing with my day? I sat today. that's it. not sick. not working. just sat. reading the industry news, not even reading (honest to goodness) bullshit, though it still pretty much qualifies as such. No, for a guy who prides himself on "i don't really waste my time," i pretty much wasted a whole bunch of it. But it's okay, I guess we all have to have those days once in awhile. For crying out loud, I mean, some people watch wrestling....
Well, I think i mentioned this, I DID go for a walk today. It was nice, perfect day for a walk in the park, get a little air into the lungs, the blood pumping, just watch out for the erratically placed dog shit littered here and there and to and fro. Walking helps me think, helps me clarify, cause it's hard to do it while driving ("Don't die, don't crash!"). And it did help me clarify, and I wasn;t too psyched about it, but at least it does. Actually, it made me want to go out and party tonight, which I didn't do, because I am in a frame of mind right now where getting loaded just doesn't feel very enjoyable. Escapism is nice but I am already pretty far escaped anyway, there's only so far up against a wall that one can go (and for some reason, typing that does make me a little hungry).
No, I have said it before, drinking is a strange thing, an I have definitely had an unusual and colorful history with it. It's been a wonderful friend and a horrible enemy. It's not ever going to be something I can just chill out with, kick back and have a few - no, the point of drinking is to go somewhere ELSE. I do not have many regrets in my life, but I will say that i wish I had been a little more experimental back in the college days when such things were more societally appropriate. Yeah, they say "it's better to smoke weed when you're older than to get started with it when you're younger," but that's not really my plan. Especially with the downtime, i can see it becoming sort of like a snake-eating-its'-own-tail sort of thing, but beyond that, it's just not my thing, really. Weed gets you fucked up, but it makes you stupid, not care. Drinking makes you just get your engines revved and DO LIFE. This town requires a bit of "doing" to get anywhere with it, mind you - and i can see how one could easily "do a little bit much of life" to their detriment, but as I mentioned in an email to a friend earlier, "there is that self-defense mechanism to count on," and good thing, too.
Well, talking about drinking makes me feel lazy. So far in this entry I have made myself feel guilt for being lazy, and feel anxious to go out and explore the ever-present scene, and wish I ate a laundry list of food. And yet I find myself still typing and thinking on it and not giving a shit. Good time to stop then.
log into myspace "must type blog." McDonald's advertisement flashing with cut-out of delicious looking cheeseburger is dripping down the page. Okay NOW i am hungry.
Pfah. lethargy wins once again. It's a long empty day today - i went to yuca's for the second time this week, i think i could probably eat that carne asada burrito every single day for like 3 weeks straight and not get tired of it. it's like crack. i could eat one right now, they'd have to put jalapenos in it though. i could eat that for lunch and zankou schwaerma for dinner every night. that'd be a pretty satisfying life for me. i'd have horrible gas, and be real fat, and dead, but i would die happy. also i would have to have some armenian deli roast beef sandwiches too. man, am i really gonna want to drive all the way over to the valley to get one of those for lunch tomorrow? has it really been almost 6 months since i've sampled that culinary delight?
i'm what you would call a food bore. I go to a place, i find one thing i like, and then from then on after i have found the one thing, i will order that shit ad nauseam (there's a joke in there, i just know it). Casey's hot dogs in Natick, MA - 3 all-arounds with ketchup, a Pepsi. Antonio's in Amherst - Taco Pizza. Subway, before they changed the fucking meat (assHOLES!) - steak and cheese with everything. i can never have it again! Togo's? Tuna sandwich. BJ's Brewhouse? Chopped BBQ Chicken Salad (also at CPK, though not as delectable). Quizno's, chicken carbonera sub --- milly's, tuna melt.. Mel's, Reuben with Coleslaw instead of Sauerkraut. SanamLuaung, however it is spelled, the Pad thai chicken with sweet n sour sauce, and a thai iced tea. hey I could go there and get one NOW.
is everyone like me? does everyone relentlessly order the same shit nonstop? or am i just an unimaginative person with a simplified palate? Is this what happens from growing up and not eating seafood? Why am i so BORING AND PREDICTABLE? Maybe one day i will enter a fugue disassociative state and forget all my memories and what food i am supposed to eat. That's pretty unlikely. I think it goes down DEEP, to my neurons. Which are pretty deep.
So can you tell that i have been doing nothing with my day? I sat today. that's it. not sick. not working. just sat. reading the industry news, not even reading (honest to goodness) bullshit, though it still pretty much qualifies as such. No, for a guy who prides himself on "i don't really waste my time," i pretty much wasted a whole bunch of it. But it's okay, I guess we all have to have those days once in awhile. For crying out loud, I mean, some people watch wrestling....
Well, I think i mentioned this, I DID go for a walk today. It was nice, perfect day for a walk in the park, get a little air into the lungs, the blood pumping, just watch out for the erratically placed dog shit littered here and there and to and fro. Walking helps me think, helps me clarify, cause it's hard to do it while driving ("Don't die, don't crash!"). And it did help me clarify, and I wasn;t too psyched about it, but at least it does. Actually, it made me want to go out and party tonight, which I didn't do, because I am in a frame of mind right now where getting loaded just doesn't feel very enjoyable. Escapism is nice but I am already pretty far escaped anyway, there's only so far up against a wall that one can go (and for some reason, typing that does make me a little hungry).
No, I have said it before, drinking is a strange thing, an I have definitely had an unusual and colorful history with it. It's been a wonderful friend and a horrible enemy. It's not ever going to be something I can just chill out with, kick back and have a few - no, the point of drinking is to go somewhere ELSE. I do not have many regrets in my life, but I will say that i wish I had been a little more experimental back in the college days when such things were more societally appropriate. Yeah, they say "it's better to smoke weed when you're older than to get started with it when you're younger," but that's not really my plan. Especially with the downtime, i can see it becoming sort of like a snake-eating-its'-own-tail sort of thing, but beyond that, it's just not my thing, really. Weed gets you fucked up, but it makes you stupid, not care. Drinking makes you just get your engines revved and DO LIFE. This town requires a bit of "doing" to get anywhere with it, mind you - and i can see how one could easily "do a little bit much of life" to their detriment, but as I mentioned in an email to a friend earlier, "there is that self-defense mechanism to count on," and good thing, too.
Well, talking about drinking makes me feel lazy. So far in this entry I have made myself feel guilt for being lazy, and feel anxious to go out and explore the ever-present scene, and wish I ate a laundry list of food. And yet I find myself still typing and thinking on it and not giving a shit. Good time to stop then.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
choke and die
a million things to say but it is so nice outside and i wanna get away from the computer.
no resolutions yet. i am still waiting for NYC to make me an offer - the stakes are high and leaving LA feels like it would be pulling off one of my arms. still i am so drawn to this idea.... i want to "grow up" some more. i don't know if i can do that here.
i haven't given an answer to the job offer (the good one) i DID get, and I hope they won't run outta patience - the clock is ticking. it has been.
it's been a strange week! i have been pretty social, a lot of jabberjawin'.. a lot of thinking. i am about to put on my socks and eat a burrito and then just go and walk around in the park, away from people and car alarms and distractions, and just think about stuff, walk around.. enjoy the beautifulness of the day.
i feel very driven to do many different things right now. i though "listing my options on paper" would help, but i really feel it's fruitless. i feel a gut decision is in order, but my gut is getting kind of large. sick of limbo, and yet i also realize this period has been good for me, overall. It's given me some perspective. But damn, i do need some money..
no resolutions yet. i am still waiting for NYC to make me an offer - the stakes are high and leaving LA feels like it would be pulling off one of my arms. still i am so drawn to this idea.... i want to "grow up" some more. i don't know if i can do that here.
i haven't given an answer to the job offer (the good one) i DID get, and I hope they won't run outta patience - the clock is ticking. it has been.
it's been a strange week! i have been pretty social, a lot of jabberjawin'.. a lot of thinking. i am about to put on my socks and eat a burrito and then just go and walk around in the park, away from people and car alarms and distractions, and just think about stuff, walk around.. enjoy the beautifulness of the day.
i feel very driven to do many different things right now. i though "listing my options on paper" would help, but i really feel it's fruitless. i feel a gut decision is in order, but my gut is getting kind of large. sick of limbo, and yet i also realize this period has been good for me, overall. It's given me some perspective. But damn, i do need some money..
Monday, March 05, 2007
urinal cake dessert
i just ate some baklavah. it hurts my mouth a little to eat, but so very tasty.
i just shat and played columns on gameboy. as i get older i notice that the smell of my shit gets profoundly more potent (disgusting potent), lingers longer. This is what happens with age, I guess.
I have a great little "work nook" (so gay to say that) in my apartment, with a window right beside me - which i love. what i DON'T love is when one of my neighbors leaves her apartment building beside me and sits on the ledge and smokes, if my window is open then all her gnarly gross smokey fumes drift into my face. screw that and screw nicotine. why can't everyone else in the world be like me and have no vices?
i slept pretty badly last night - horrible, upsetting dreams. anxiety - yeah, i know. i woke up with a headache. i am convinced my girlfriend is a vampire, on the other hand, since she stays up all night long and sleeps all day!!! i am going to start holding crosses up to her and see if her eyes turn green. why weren't vampires ever afraid of Stars of David? Do the Jews hold no sway over vampires? Well, i guess we can at least try to make them feel bad.
Waiting to see what happens with jobs. Burbank pulled out of the race - I could talk my way back into it, but it wouldn't increase the asking price any. Supposedly I will hear back from NYC in the next couple of days - it is complicated as all those dudes are at an industry convention in San Francisco right now, but hey - it is always somethin'.
I am still anxious and upset about the prospect of moving, but excited as well. I am just looking forward for this process to finish so i can get on with my freakin' life!
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My friend matt came by yesterday to screen a documentary he shot (well, he and his buddy scott made the thing). It's been in production for a few years now (four or five), spent a lot of time sitting on a shelf as he couldn't get anyone to properly edit it - at last he learned video editing and did the damn thing himself. It came out great, I am very impressed (especially for a two-man effort - 3 if you count the subject). It's not finished but damn near there. We watched the film then discussed it a bit afterwards, it was a fun time. I'd like to do more stuff like that in the future -- why don't i?
i used to watch a lot of indie cinema. there's a lot of things i "used to do" which were fun but i don't, anymore. i am getting old and lazy, or just codgery. or just... really busy.
the past few days have been a huge SLOWDOWN from the pace my life had been going at lately. it's been nonstop workaholic madness for this reason or that, with the general pressure of the ongoing job search fueling it all and really filling in the cracks. Right now, especially as things are sort of out of my hands, it feels kind of stalled.. which is weird for me. I "have the time and the state of mind" to do all the down-time things i've been wanting to (if not necessarily too much $$, but it's cool) and I am trying to get a little settled. I went to the valley to meet a friend for lunch, but otherwise I've been hunched over the PC all day, reading industry news and opinions/etc. All very relevant to what's going on in my life right now, so not just "dicking around" - still I feel like my time would be better spent outside (hey, it's gorgeous outside!) shooting photos or just getting some exercise or something. I feel like i've slunk into this self-imposed "prisoner mentality" in a way, like it just makes sense to sit on my ass and let time waft by. i don't like it - i spend enough times being forced to be indoors, really, for various reasons (work, work, work). I need something to kik me ass and put me in motion. I think I would feel better and my mood would lighten up.
Maybe tomorrow.
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crazy hollywood story - not really, even - but it's good to dip into the well once in awhile. Friday night my girlfriend and I went out with some friends to go dancing. A rare thing (usually it's just me ad my drinking buddy), but I was happy to head into town. Downed a couple drinks - tried keeping it light, I usually down a HUGE shot of jagermeister before going out since it's insurance the night will be cheap, but often leads to me blacking out (thus negating the point of experiencing, well, ANYthing...) I had a small shot but chance would have it that the drinks I followed it with turned out to be unusually strong. No big deal, whatever, though they did make me kinda sick when the night ended. Noteworthy only 'cause I NEVER get sick, only twice since living in LA if memory serves - from drinking, I mean. Whatever, it wasn't a huge mess or anything, haha. Anyway, the point of the story is that we were in the club probably about an hour and a half, and then I got kicked out? WTF kinda bullshit is that? Now I like ot party, but I am not te most raucous individual.. I know how to behave. New club, just opened, they were filming some reality series there that night "The Bar" or some crap - a midget dressed as Superman and a Transvestite at the door, you know. Here's what happened, the dance floor had an elevated platform (maybe a foot or two higher) lining the wall, just for people to stand on - it had a railing to separate from the dance floor. My girlfriend was on the platform, I went to say hey and as the place was kinda mobbed, I decided to go in-between the bars rather than around to the ramp, who cares right? Well, they didn't like that and threw me out of the place. (Yuck she is smoking outside my window again, smells fucking disgusting.. argh!) What isn't this Hollywood last time I checked? Anyway no warning, no sign, just get the hell out right now thank you very much. That sucked! The night wasn't bad up till that point. I wasn't being belligerent or an ass or anything.. they also threw my friend's girlfriend-but-non-girlfriend-don't-know-how-to-define out for the same reason. Anyway that was a downer. Readers, don't go to "The Facade" on Hollywood and Ivar.
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getting late. darker outside. sun going down. feel antsy. want to go for walk. will. also... one of my favorite hangouts in town has closed. lava lounge on la brea and sunset. used to be one of my usual hangouts, 'specially back in the day. I haven't been there much inthe past few years, but nice to pop in now and again. Sad to see it go. i whipped it out there once. Memories....
i just shat and played columns on gameboy. as i get older i notice that the smell of my shit gets profoundly more potent (disgusting potent), lingers longer. This is what happens with age, I guess.
I have a great little "work nook" (so gay to say that) in my apartment, with a window right beside me - which i love. what i DON'T love is when one of my neighbors leaves her apartment building beside me and sits on the ledge and smokes, if my window is open then all her gnarly gross smokey fumes drift into my face. screw that and screw nicotine. why can't everyone else in the world be like me and have no vices?
i slept pretty badly last night - horrible, upsetting dreams. anxiety - yeah, i know. i woke up with a headache. i am convinced my girlfriend is a vampire, on the other hand, since she stays up all night long and sleeps all day!!! i am going to start holding crosses up to her and see if her eyes turn green. why weren't vampires ever afraid of Stars of David? Do the Jews hold no sway over vampires? Well, i guess we can at least try to make them feel bad.
Waiting to see what happens with jobs. Burbank pulled out of the race - I could talk my way back into it, but it wouldn't increase the asking price any. Supposedly I will hear back from NYC in the next couple of days - it is complicated as all those dudes are at an industry convention in San Francisco right now, but hey - it is always somethin'.
I am still anxious and upset about the prospect of moving, but excited as well. I am just looking forward for this process to finish so i can get on with my freakin' life!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
My friend matt came by yesterday to screen a documentary he shot (well, he and his buddy scott made the thing). It's been in production for a few years now (four or five), spent a lot of time sitting on a shelf as he couldn't get anyone to properly edit it - at last he learned video editing and did the damn thing himself. It came out great, I am very impressed (especially for a two-man effort - 3 if you count the subject). It's not finished but damn near there. We watched the film then discussed it a bit afterwards, it was a fun time. I'd like to do more stuff like that in the future -- why don't i?
i used to watch a lot of indie cinema. there's a lot of things i "used to do" which were fun but i don't, anymore. i am getting old and lazy, or just codgery. or just... really busy.
the past few days have been a huge SLOWDOWN from the pace my life had been going at lately. it's been nonstop workaholic madness for this reason or that, with the general pressure of the ongoing job search fueling it all and really filling in the cracks. Right now, especially as things are sort of out of my hands, it feels kind of stalled.. which is weird for me. I "have the time and the state of mind" to do all the down-time things i've been wanting to (if not necessarily too much $$, but it's cool) and I am trying to get a little settled. I went to the valley to meet a friend for lunch, but otherwise I've been hunched over the PC all day, reading industry news and opinions/etc. All very relevant to what's going on in my life right now, so not just "dicking around" - still I feel like my time would be better spent outside (hey, it's gorgeous outside!) shooting photos or just getting some exercise or something. I feel like i've slunk into this self-imposed "prisoner mentality" in a way, like it just makes sense to sit on my ass and let time waft by. i don't like it - i spend enough times being forced to be indoors, really, for various reasons (work, work, work). I need something to kik me ass and put me in motion. I think I would feel better and my mood would lighten up.
Maybe tomorrow.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
crazy hollywood story - not really, even - but it's good to dip into the well once in awhile. Friday night my girlfriend and I went out with some friends to go dancing. A rare thing (usually it's just me ad my drinking buddy), but I was happy to head into town. Downed a couple drinks - tried keeping it light, I usually down a HUGE shot of jagermeister before going out since it's insurance the night will be cheap, but often leads to me blacking out (thus negating the point of experiencing, well, ANYthing...) I had a small shot but chance would have it that the drinks I followed it with turned out to be unusually strong. No big deal, whatever, though they did make me kinda sick when the night ended. Noteworthy only 'cause I NEVER get sick, only twice since living in LA if memory serves - from drinking, I mean. Whatever, it wasn't a huge mess or anything, haha. Anyway, the point of the story is that we were in the club probably about an hour and a half, and then I got kicked out? WTF kinda bullshit is that? Now I like ot party, but I am not te most raucous individual.. I know how to behave. New club, just opened, they were filming some reality series there that night "The Bar" or some crap - a midget dressed as Superman and a Transvestite at the door, you know. Here's what happened, the dance floor had an elevated platform (maybe a foot or two higher) lining the wall, just for people to stand on - it had a railing to separate from the dance floor. My girlfriend was on the platform, I went to say hey and as the place was kinda mobbed, I decided to go in-between the bars rather than around to the ramp, who cares right? Well, they didn't like that and threw me out of the place. (Yuck she is smoking outside my window again, smells fucking disgusting.. argh!) What isn't this Hollywood last time I checked? Anyway no warning, no sign, just get the hell out right now thank you very much. That sucked! The night wasn't bad up till that point. I wasn't being belligerent or an ass or anything.. they also threw my friend's girlfriend-but-non-girlfriend-don't-know-how-to-define out for the same reason. Anyway that was a downer. Readers, don't go to "The Facade" on Hollywood and Ivar.
------------------------------------------------
getting late. darker outside. sun going down. feel antsy. want to go for walk. will. also... one of my favorite hangouts in town has closed. lava lounge on la brea and sunset. used to be one of my usual hangouts, 'specially back in the day. I haven't been there much inthe past few years, but nice to pop in now and again. Sad to see it go. i whipped it out there once. Memories....
Sunday, March 04, 2007
cocaine in my brain
yepppp, it's now march 2007. as usual "how did that happen.." Okay how long has it been since i have worked? Oct, Nov, Dec, Jan, Feb. That's awhile (but still shorter than my record of 1 year!!!) Well okay I don't rightly recall when last I wrote in this thing, i believe it's been about a week or so (checking.... yep, there it is). Yeah so - dammit, a lot has happened in a week's time. I went to New York City (arrived Tuesday afternoon, returned Thursday evening). After arriving I cabbed to my friend's Noah and Nikita's apartment in Williamsburg (Brooklyn, i believe) - the newlyweds - and hung out with them and their one-year-old, as they fed me delicious cheeseburgers and booze. Oh man, it felt GOOD to be in NYC. It just felt right, I knew I was going to like the feeling there. Yeah it was a little cold (not unbearable, by a longshot), there was a little crusty snow on the ground here and there, but the city looked great and i WANTED it, dammit! It was cool to see my friends, they're very warm people and just really easy to talk to. I could hang out with them all night... haha, I did. Next day was the interview with the studio, mind you I had a phone interview and did an art test for them.. i'd basically been in talks with them over a month and a half's time, or so, all told. Anyway i spent all day with them (got in at 11am, left around 3:30pm). The whole 9 yards, met the staff, got the tour, see all the departments, check out levels of their game, stuff like that. It looked good - the game is a bit rough around the edges, but for what it is it looks pretty slick. The people working there had a general enthusiasm about them, it was very nice, very excited and friendly people all around. Not my type of game, but hey i am a retrogamer.. still I could hack it, of course. It didn't "BLOW ME AWAY" as I was hoping it would, but the staff was cool as I said, and of course NYC (the studio is right in manhattan) is a real strong selling point for me. I headed back the following evening, feeling excited about the thought of a new life - I woke up the next day back home in my own bed, feeling in my gut "i want to go to NYC!"
Well, some things have happened since, a couple important things. I have had two offers, one in Burbank (up the road from me) which seems pretty cool - and one that's about an hour commute away, which has a decent-enough project (it's no tonyhawk, but still it'd be fun to work on) and this place is gonna do an "Aliens" game as well - I would LOVE to get on that project! Not what I am being hired for, but.. Anyway, Friday I talked to this guy and he gave me a very very generous offer - and it really surprised me, it changed things a lot. Suddenly this place seemed like it might be the smart move for me more than Burbank or NYC, and also I discovered something else, by chance - a former coworker of mine (same type of job, level artist) was at this studio as well. So yeah, you know I wanted to talk to him, especially as we'd both been burned by shitty politics at other studios in the past.
Well, I got on the phone with him today, and he basically pretty much "sold" me on the place. He said he was really happy and pretty much highly recommended it to me. That's a big thing - I know guys at the other two studios I've been considering, and they obviously want to bring me in over to their places as well, but now this 1st place had a whole lot less X-Factor going for it. I WANT to work at a place that will treat me right, rather than shit all over my self-esteem, I've had goddamn enough of that. It seems like this place might even be "a bit too chill" for my tastes, but hey.. if i am commuting, and doing freelance/personal work on the side as well, I don't think I have to worry about being understimulated. I do wish I could have "the best of all possible scenarios," of course, but this is looking plenty solid. So -- here's what it's gonna boil down to...
I emailed the other jobs (Burbank and NYC) and pretty much was straight with them, mentioning the stuff I just outlined above.I said "if you guys wanna match the offer I got, then that will change things.. but otherwise I think i am gonna have to go with these guys." GAH!! I got the ball rolling, and really - I will be surprised if B and C will step up to match A's raising of the ante. I will be HUGELY surprised if it goes to a "bidding war," haha, though that would be pretty hilarious (especially since about a month ago I was feeling like utter useless/pointless shit that no one wanted to touch with a ten foot pole). So yeah I will be surprised, but we'll see what will happen. All these 3 places do seem to really like my work, and my personality. We'll see soon.
It is sad, though.. especially with NYC so fresh on my mind. I really did have a great time, I knew I would love it there and I did - and I feel disappointed to just let it slip through my fingers so "easily." There's still a decent chance I could go for it (i still haven't got an offer, either way!) but I have a feeling after how this has all lined up, that it's not extremely likely. And it is too bad, because "for my life," though moving would be a HUGE pain in the ass, I know it would be extremely fulfilling to go work ad live there. I KNOW it would. But, damn it, I can not disagree with the fact that the Orange County job is just.. really.. too good an opportunity to pass up! It's not "thrilling" but it's got a lot of really good shit going for it.
Sigh. We will see.
I have a lot of other things to say, really, but I am tired of typing right now. I am tired of going over THIS shit that's for sure, but most of all - though I have a lot on my mind, otherwise, I just kind of want to relax on the couch and kick back in front of the TV!
but OH YEAH!!! I almost forgot!! And my Dad is going to love it when he reads this "what are you THINKING!!!" I can just hear it now.. but I might actually go out to London, England at the end of March with my girlfriend for a few days. Of course, that's dependent on a whole bunch of circumstances (like what job I end up taking, if they are cool with that, etc etc). She has been planning a trip over there for spring break and suddenly it was looking like she'd be going there alone, as her family couldn't work out their visa's in time. I would LOVE to visit London, obviously (never been there!) but of course I am jobless, broke, etc etc. Yeah I am in debt. But hell if I take the OC job I can wipe out my debt pretty quick, so a few extra bucks on the credit card ain't the end
of the world. Anyway, this is kind of a spur-of-the-moment thought, with little basis in reality, but as my life goes.. not exactly impossible. Like anything else in my life, it's entirely up in the air right now. We will see soon.
Well, some things have happened since, a couple important things. I have had two offers, one in Burbank (up the road from me) which seems pretty cool - and one that's about an hour commute away, which has a decent-enough project (it's no tonyhawk, but still it'd be fun to work on) and this place is gonna do an "Aliens" game as well - I would LOVE to get on that project! Not what I am being hired for, but.. Anyway, Friday I talked to this guy and he gave me a very very generous offer - and it really surprised me, it changed things a lot. Suddenly this place seemed like it might be the smart move for me more than Burbank or NYC, and also I discovered something else, by chance - a former coworker of mine (same type of job, level artist) was at this studio as well. So yeah, you know I wanted to talk to him, especially as we'd both been burned by shitty politics at other studios in the past.
Well, I got on the phone with him today, and he basically pretty much "sold" me on the place. He said he was really happy and pretty much highly recommended it to me. That's a big thing - I know guys at the other two studios I've been considering, and they obviously want to bring me in over to their places as well, but now this 1st place had a whole lot less X-Factor going for it. I WANT to work at a place that will treat me right, rather than shit all over my self-esteem, I've had goddamn enough of that. It seems like this place might even be "a bit too chill" for my tastes, but hey.. if i am commuting, and doing freelance/personal work on the side as well, I don't think I have to worry about being understimulated. I do wish I could have "the best of all possible scenarios," of course, but this is looking plenty solid. So -- here's what it's gonna boil down to...
I emailed the other jobs (Burbank and NYC) and pretty much was straight with them, mentioning the stuff I just outlined above.I said "if you guys wanna match the offer I got, then that will change things.. but otherwise I think i am gonna have to go with these guys." GAH!! I got the ball rolling, and really - I will be surprised if B and C will step up to match A's raising of the ante. I will be HUGELY surprised if it goes to a "bidding war," haha, though that would be pretty hilarious (especially since about a month ago I was feeling like utter useless/pointless shit that no one wanted to touch with a ten foot pole). So yeah I will be surprised, but we'll see what will happen. All these 3 places do seem to really like my work, and my personality. We'll see soon.
It is sad, though.. especially with NYC so fresh on my mind. I really did have a great time, I knew I would love it there and I did - and I feel disappointed to just let it slip through my fingers so "easily." There's still a decent chance I could go for it (i still haven't got an offer, either way!) but I have a feeling after how this has all lined up, that it's not extremely likely. And it is too bad, because "for my life," though moving would be a HUGE pain in the ass, I know it would be extremely fulfilling to go work ad live there. I KNOW it would. But, damn it, I can not disagree with the fact that the Orange County job is just.. really.. too good an opportunity to pass up! It's not "thrilling" but it's got a lot of really good shit going for it.
Sigh. We will see.
I have a lot of other things to say, really, but I am tired of typing right now. I am tired of going over THIS shit that's for sure, but most of all - though I have a lot on my mind, otherwise, I just kind of want to relax on the couch and kick back in front of the TV!
but OH YEAH!!! I almost forgot!! And my Dad is going to love it when he reads this "what are you THINKING!!!" I can just hear it now.. but I might actually go out to London, England at the end of March with my girlfriend for a few days. Of course, that's dependent on a whole bunch of circumstances (like what job I end up taking, if they are cool with that, etc etc). She has been planning a trip over there for spring break and suddenly it was looking like she'd be going there alone, as her family couldn't work out their visa's in time. I would LOVE to visit London, obviously (never been there!) but of course I am jobless, broke, etc etc. Yeah I am in debt. But hell if I take the OC job I can wipe out my debt pretty quick, so a few extra bucks on the credit card ain't the end
of the world. Anyway, this is kind of a spur-of-the-moment thought, with little basis in reality, but as my life goes.. not exactly impossible. Like anything else in my life, it's entirely up in the air right now. We will see soon.
Monday, February 26, 2007
tread ahead
man, what the hell. myspace is such an unbelievable piece 'a crap. i know, i know "what do you expect, a million billion people can log on and off at any given moment, it's bound to be a lil' bit unsteady" -- yeah, well, google always gives you results without so much as a hiccup, hell a billion other sites seem to mask their problems at least a little more creatively. Well I am not so whiny (oh look, i've lied again) but for some reason myspace's inability to get it's shit together regularly confounds me. i guess i just get pissed when i want to write/read some email on the thing (or just do a damned blog entry) and it denies denies denies that it gets under my skin. oh "i bitch because i love" yeahhhhh. Well really, it goes along with my general philosophy of life though, in that al the shit i have is somehow kind of busted anyway. Oh okay i don't have a heart murmer or a bum kidney or anything of that kind of magnitude (that i know of.. perhaps someday my sperm count will come up low - well if chronic masturbation truly has anything to do with that, we shall see. Oh hi, my parents who read this!!) Hey, just havin' fun. I'm a fun guy. Really.
but yeah almost everything i own is kinda busted. even my ear seems fucked up lately. i guess it's a little humbling to have a general "ghetto touch" to everything, and makes you not get to terribly attached to anything and worried about maintaining it contiued pristinity. For crying out loud, anytime my girlfriend buys ANYTHING she has to get a custom-fitted screen protector slapped on it ASAP. Oh, I have had my moments too. That was the OLD ron.
I guess I should riff a little on video games right about now. i have actualy thought about starting a second blog just for video gaming, in general, but i am not at that precise level of nerdiness just yet. Actually, I consider it more of a business-related thing than anything, it's not exactly my hobby anymore. I do consider it kind of a responsibility of mine to talk more on t mater though, especially as the years pass and I delve deeper into the industry (in a more business and philosophical sense). One thing I'd not be too concerned with it just being a drooling fanboy yammering about the flavor of the month. That's all well and good, but there's more than enough of it out there and so in my own capacity, it's pretty useless. But then I am not that type of gamer though.
So I guess I will use this opportunity to take an inventory of what I am looking at, lately, game-wise. The last real system I bought was a Playstation 2, probably about... uhmmm.. 2002, summertime? I was working on action sports (oh hell, it was motocross racing) and up to that point I was fretting (to slight degree) "which console should i buy?" The job I had made it an easy choice, and I filled out my library fairly well to represent the theme. I had actually bought a PS2 a couple years earlier at the system's launch, only intending to sell it and make some cash (I think i ended up making about 200 bucks, no big deal). So I still have the thing sitting in my cabinet these days, i have to say it functions really well for watching divx movies streamed off of my PC and the occasional DVD rental I suppose (I probably rent like.. 5 DVDs a year.. maybe, if that!) Yeah, I am not what you would call any kind of a media zombie I guess. Not mainstream anyway...
On a couple trips home I dug up my Sega Genesis (sitting in the closet but "i'll hook it up one of these days") and a Super Nintendo, circa 1991 (woa, that sounds old). it's yellow and gross looking, but if i was gonna sit in front of my TV for an extended period at this point in my life to play a videogame, in all likelihood it'll be to play some game on that thing. 2D was king for me and it peaked right there. My collection of games is somewhat anemic, but already it's more than I'll ever play (I got on a little kick for ebay with SNES gams for 5 minutes, a little over a half year ago - if only to increase my assets - but most of the stuff I bought hasn't been even loaded into the deck yet, for longer than to ensure the damn thing would boot up). Even now, I could still wrangle a night of absolute fun out of the SNES, some booze, and a couple of good friends visiting, I must say.. it's thoughts like that which make me still appreciate the community aspect of those games.
I have somewhat recently acquired an Xbox and, much more recently, a Sega Saturn - but systems relatively antiquated by todays standards (okay Xbox ain't THAT old but old enough to be abandoned by it's developer!!) I was fortunate enough to get both systems for free, and though the Xbox I will say maintains it's presence purely for research purposes, the Saturn is definitely there for a little more "fun," I'll admit it. I have spent next to nothing building up any kind of collection for that thing, but it's one of the.. err... "weirder" systems out there, meaning there's some cool weird games out there I could get my hands on, and I intend to when it's a little bit more appropriate in my life (hard to justify shelling out bucks for video games when yer broke and jobless). I did get a couple hard-won discs off ebay though, I would like ot sit down and mess with them some afternoon "when there's time." I never feel like I have any time for that stuff, really.
I am not a console gamer anyway. I have a Gameboy micro, that's pretty much the smallest handheld system of any serious merit one can acquire. Granted, I DID used to have a Tetris Keychain, and it dd make a pretty compelling argument - hell I got more than my money's worth out of it, I wish I could find it now!! But it was "just Tetris." No small feat, but gameboy micro trounces it about 800 times over. I could lose all my video game systems, paraphernalia, etc, ALL OF IT, as long as I had my micro still I'd likely not bat an eyelash. There is one holdout exception to that rule, I have this nice little korean toy called a GP32, which is a bit bigger than the ol' micro (it can still squeeze into one's pocket, but juuuust barely!) and it's power is significantly beefier (though already dwarfed by it's own successor). But while the micro will play all my old 8bit NES/Sega games, and of course gameboy advance games (who cares), the GP32 will cover a ton more territory. It'll play tons of old actual arcade machines, and a fairly decent handful of the 16-bit-shit I grew up in my gaming heyday. yeah, as long as I have those two to mess with, I am pretty set - if I can't play it on the toilet, and there's a color-depth > 256, then you'll be hard pressed to get me to care, fellas...
So it's an interesting time ot be me, somewhat, and ironically so - well in this respect at least - the console generation has upgraded and we've got VASTLY more powerful hardware on the market for the first time in several years, and yet the retro-scene is enjoying quite a resurgence of popularity these days. Definitely interesting, if a bit surreal - not overwhelmingly important, but it makes me realize that the types of games which people used to like might not be quite as easily forgotten as history'd otherwise convince us. Yeah, a bunch of nerdy talk, but rather than just enjoying this in a nostalgic light, I am trying to consider it in more of a business mentality - are the days of "simpler design" attractive in a way as the style of gaming today is not satisfying? Games today look pretty well phenomenal, all things considered. A long way to go yet, stylistically ad technically, but it's growing by leaps and bounds, no one could argue, evolving. But for guys like me, something is definitely missing. novelty, fun, simplicity. The sense of accomplishment just isn't there, man. Pass checkpoints, collect widgets, gone is the visceral thrill. There's too much which has got your back - I used to always sweat "seeing what could be around the next corner." Now it's just a mismatch of good and bad all over the place. Rushed projects of half-realized ideas. The development times have not always increased proportionately with the budgets.
Ah, but I speak as a jaded person who's worked too long on one particular side of the screen, it could be argued. Maybe there's a reason I have lost my love for the scene. Still I will say it, i can pick up a puzzle game where the screen never moves and play for hours and hours. that shit is just FUN. It's simple, maybe I am simple.. but there's a thrill in there, a thrill of risk. the graphics aren't anything spectacular, but at least they are tidy. the controls are tight enough. I am a little surprised that puzzle games have never burst to a further level than the occasional blip on the radar after Tetris, and it takes so-called Genius to discover this stuff. That's bunk i have met several designers who i consider to be extremely smart, the industry and the dollar are what force them to remain bound to a specific path rather than cutting loose and developing more along the lines of innovation and experimentation.
There has been a semblance of hope with the new "budget games" and the different distribution methods that we'd see some resurgence in this style of "lower-budget" or casual gaming, likewise with the modification of the cell phone as ubiquitous hand-held console. The depe game nerds rejoiced, but as is their nature, they quickly enough fell under the spell of the much higher-tech offerings popping up around the corner. Duh, didn't see that happening, the new damned videogame systems just came out....
The Nintendo DS touches me, pun intended, as it's ancient-tech by modern standards but it's sweeping the world with it's popularity. The games look fine for what they are, mostly, and it's already overflowing with a beyond-solid-lineup of offerings. I haven't picked one up (might never) which is kind of a shame, at least not for lack of interest (I haven't the time, energy, or money) but again it's very interesting to see such a style and mindset of gaming proliferating so profoundly. It's really what guys like me would have always dreamed of, and I hope it continues in the next level.. I am amazed to see Nintendo's Console offering (the Wii) following suit and selling out like hotcakes everygoddamnedwhere, but I can't help but think that people are being a little too optimistic regarding the thing, and the industry analysts know it. It's novel, it's fun, but it needs some serious maintainence to get to any kind of success as it's "little brother" the DS is enjoying. I don't care if one in four homes has one in 6 months, that's useless if people aren't buying system-specific offerings for it. And I am not sure that the wobbly flying remote is truly the answer to the console problems those guys have had. I admit it, i sort of WANT those guys to get their asses whupped a little bit - Nintendo's long had this posture that's been a little too proud, and though they've been getting spanked for years now in this particular arena, they really need to follow up with some dedication, some art.. some love for the past besides re-releasing old NES games. That's nice to see, but as support, not a star feature.
Yeah, I suppose I have a lot to say on the business end of this whole argument, and it's hard for me not to consider that I've had a bit of personal attachment to all of this in a few (strange) ways - but this industry has been special to me, growing beside me since I was a kid, and now it's a whole different world. It's still not degraded completely into money yet, though it's made some huge thrusts in that direction, but mostly the heart of it is still just being FUN, enjoyment of life though a new and fascinating abstract, and that's something new and weird that people are still trying to comprehend on all sorts of levels. That's not geeky, that's not novelty, that's just part of trying to be happy. You can say whatever you like "oh yeah but at it's heart it's just about businesses trying to make money," and yeah that's a huge contingent of it - but the vultures will circle anything under the sun, it's almost (almost!) irrelevant in a way. The point is, it's all ben one way, it's changed hands a few times over, it warps a little more and differently through each phase, and it's got a hell of a long way to go yet, which no on has a real clue about. That's frightening in one way and fascinating in another.
but yeah almost everything i own is kinda busted. even my ear seems fucked up lately. i guess it's a little humbling to have a general "ghetto touch" to everything, and makes you not get to terribly attached to anything and worried about maintaining it contiued pristinity. For crying out loud, anytime my girlfriend buys ANYTHING she has to get a custom-fitted screen protector slapped on it ASAP. Oh, I have had my moments too. That was the OLD ron.
I guess I should riff a little on video games right about now. i have actualy thought about starting a second blog just for video gaming, in general, but i am not at that precise level of nerdiness just yet. Actually, I consider it more of a business-related thing than anything, it's not exactly my hobby anymore. I do consider it kind of a responsibility of mine to talk more on t mater though, especially as the years pass and I delve deeper into the industry (in a more business and philosophical sense). One thing I'd not be too concerned with it just being a drooling fanboy yammering about the flavor of the month. That's all well and good, but there's more than enough of it out there and so in my own capacity, it's pretty useless. But then I am not that type of gamer though.
So I guess I will use this opportunity to take an inventory of what I am looking at, lately, game-wise. The last real system I bought was a Playstation 2, probably about... uhmmm.. 2002, summertime? I was working on action sports (oh hell, it was motocross racing) and up to that point I was fretting (to slight degree) "which console should i buy?" The job I had made it an easy choice, and I filled out my library fairly well to represent the theme. I had actually bought a PS2 a couple years earlier at the system's launch, only intending to sell it and make some cash (I think i ended up making about 200 bucks, no big deal). So I still have the thing sitting in my cabinet these days, i have to say it functions really well for watching divx movies streamed off of my PC and the occasional DVD rental I suppose (I probably rent like.. 5 DVDs a year.. maybe, if that!) Yeah, I am not what you would call any kind of a media zombie I guess. Not mainstream anyway...
On a couple trips home I dug up my Sega Genesis (sitting in the closet but "i'll hook it up one of these days") and a Super Nintendo, circa 1991 (woa, that sounds old). it's yellow and gross looking, but if i was gonna sit in front of my TV for an extended period at this point in my life to play a videogame, in all likelihood it'll be to play some game on that thing. 2D was king for me and it peaked right there. My collection of games is somewhat anemic, but already it's more than I'll ever play (I got on a little kick for ebay with SNES gams for 5 minutes, a little over a half year ago - if only to increase my assets - but most of the stuff I bought hasn't been even loaded into the deck yet, for longer than to ensure the damn thing would boot up). Even now, I could still wrangle a night of absolute fun out of the SNES, some booze, and a couple of good friends visiting, I must say.. it's thoughts like that which make me still appreciate the community aspect of those games.
I have somewhat recently acquired an Xbox and, much more recently, a Sega Saturn - but systems relatively antiquated by todays standards (okay Xbox ain't THAT old but old enough to be abandoned by it's developer!!) I was fortunate enough to get both systems for free, and though the Xbox I will say maintains it's presence purely for research purposes, the Saturn is definitely there for a little more "fun," I'll admit it. I have spent next to nothing building up any kind of collection for that thing, but it's one of the.. err... "weirder" systems out there, meaning there's some cool weird games out there I could get my hands on, and I intend to when it's a little bit more appropriate in my life (hard to justify shelling out bucks for video games when yer broke and jobless). I did get a couple hard-won discs off ebay though, I would like ot sit down and mess with them some afternoon "when there's time." I never feel like I have any time for that stuff, really.
I am not a console gamer anyway. I have a Gameboy micro, that's pretty much the smallest handheld system of any serious merit one can acquire. Granted, I DID used to have a Tetris Keychain, and it dd make a pretty compelling argument - hell I got more than my money's worth out of it, I wish I could find it now!! But it was "just Tetris." No small feat, but gameboy micro trounces it about 800 times over. I could lose all my video game systems, paraphernalia, etc, ALL OF IT, as long as I had my micro still I'd likely not bat an eyelash. There is one holdout exception to that rule, I have this nice little korean toy called a GP32, which is a bit bigger than the ol' micro (it can still squeeze into one's pocket, but juuuust barely!) and it's power is significantly beefier (though already dwarfed by it's own successor). But while the micro will play all my old 8bit NES/Sega games, and of course gameboy advance games (who cares), the GP32 will cover a ton more territory. It'll play tons of old actual arcade machines, and a fairly decent handful of the 16-bit-shit I grew up in my gaming heyday. yeah, as long as I have those two to mess with, I am pretty set - if I can't play it on the toilet, and there's a color-depth > 256, then you'll be hard pressed to get me to care, fellas...
So it's an interesting time ot be me, somewhat, and ironically so - well in this respect at least - the console generation has upgraded and we've got VASTLY more powerful hardware on the market for the first time in several years, and yet the retro-scene is enjoying quite a resurgence of popularity these days. Definitely interesting, if a bit surreal - not overwhelmingly important, but it makes me realize that the types of games which people used to like might not be quite as easily forgotten as history'd otherwise convince us. Yeah, a bunch of nerdy talk, but rather than just enjoying this in a nostalgic light, I am trying to consider it in more of a business mentality - are the days of "simpler design" attractive in a way as the style of gaming today is not satisfying? Games today look pretty well phenomenal, all things considered. A long way to go yet, stylistically ad technically, but it's growing by leaps and bounds, no one could argue, evolving. But for guys like me, something is definitely missing. novelty, fun, simplicity. The sense of accomplishment just isn't there, man. Pass checkpoints, collect widgets, gone is the visceral thrill. There's too much which has got your back - I used to always sweat "seeing what could be around the next corner." Now it's just a mismatch of good and bad all over the place. Rushed projects of half-realized ideas. The development times have not always increased proportionately with the budgets.
Ah, but I speak as a jaded person who's worked too long on one particular side of the screen, it could be argued. Maybe there's a reason I have lost my love for the scene. Still I will say it, i can pick up a puzzle game where the screen never moves and play for hours and hours. that shit is just FUN. It's simple, maybe I am simple.. but there's a thrill in there, a thrill of risk. the graphics aren't anything spectacular, but at least they are tidy. the controls are tight enough. I am a little surprised that puzzle games have never burst to a further level than the occasional blip on the radar after Tetris, and it takes so-called Genius to discover this stuff. That's bunk i have met several designers who i consider to be extremely smart, the industry and the dollar are what force them to remain bound to a specific path rather than cutting loose and developing more along the lines of innovation and experimentation.
There has been a semblance of hope with the new "budget games" and the different distribution methods that we'd see some resurgence in this style of "lower-budget" or casual gaming, likewise with the modification of the cell phone as ubiquitous hand-held console. The depe game nerds rejoiced, but as is their nature, they quickly enough fell under the spell of the much higher-tech offerings popping up around the corner. Duh, didn't see that happening, the new damned videogame systems just came out....
The Nintendo DS touches me, pun intended, as it's ancient-tech by modern standards but it's sweeping the world with it's popularity. The games look fine for what they are, mostly, and it's already overflowing with a beyond-solid-lineup of offerings. I haven't picked one up (might never) which is kind of a shame, at least not for lack of interest (I haven't the time, energy, or money) but again it's very interesting to see such a style and mindset of gaming proliferating so profoundly. It's really what guys like me would have always dreamed of, and I hope it continues in the next level.. I am amazed to see Nintendo's Console offering (the Wii) following suit and selling out like hotcakes everygoddamnedwhere, but I can't help but think that people are being a little too optimistic regarding the thing, and the industry analysts know it. It's novel, it's fun, but it needs some serious maintainence to get to any kind of success as it's "little brother" the DS is enjoying. I don't care if one in four homes has one in 6 months, that's useless if people aren't buying system-specific offerings for it. And I am not sure that the wobbly flying remote is truly the answer to the console problems those guys have had. I admit it, i sort of WANT those guys to get their asses whupped a little bit - Nintendo's long had this posture that's been a little too proud, and though they've been getting spanked for years now in this particular arena, they really need to follow up with some dedication, some art.. some love for the past besides re-releasing old NES games. That's nice to see, but as support, not a star feature.
Yeah, I suppose I have a lot to say on the business end of this whole argument, and it's hard for me not to consider that I've had a bit of personal attachment to all of this in a few (strange) ways - but this industry has been special to me, growing beside me since I was a kid, and now it's a whole different world. It's still not degraded completely into money yet, though it's made some huge thrusts in that direction, but mostly the heart of it is still just being FUN, enjoyment of life though a new and fascinating abstract, and that's something new and weird that people are still trying to comprehend on all sorts of levels. That's not geeky, that's not novelty, that's just part of trying to be happy. You can say whatever you like "oh yeah but at it's heart it's just about businesses trying to make money," and yeah that's a huge contingent of it - but the vultures will circle anything under the sun, it's almost (almost!) irrelevant in a way. The point is, it's all ben one way, it's changed hands a few times over, it warps a little more and differently through each phase, and it's got a hell of a long way to go yet, which no on has a real clue about. That's frightening in one way and fascinating in another.
sideswiped
damn i feel like i haven't written in this thing in ages. fact is, i am tired of blogging. i am tired of thinking of all the stuff going on in my life right now.. i have a lot on my mind and i am just tired of it! i am still pretty excited about it all, but it's been this back-and-forth for so long now. i just want to have my goddamn cake (err, P I E) and eat it too.
last week was pretty eventful. 2 job interviews, 2 job offers. i said to both of them "not yet, not till i get done with interview number three" which is tomorrow (tuesday) in new york. that job is still the one which has been at the center of my attention - for good and difficult reasons. anyway without reiterating it all for the nine-hundred-and-fifty-seventh time, same shit, different day. at least things are happening. i did start work on another art test for another job (local) today, but then... ahhh.. petered out of gas. it's for a job that is close by, pretty stable by the looks of things, but NOT what I wanna be doing so much.
what else to say then! not much else to report. i feel as though there's just not much else to say. i caught up with a bunch of friends last night, something which i don't feel like i generally do very often -- and it's always good to do that, of course. i did also go out and be a little more social a couple of times last week, hitting the club scene. it's alright, but the clubs are just NOT stimulating my nerves at all like they used to. i think i have definitely blown a fuse in all of that - i really do need a new drug. i just gotta hang up on drinking jagermeister for real, or at least cut my dosage into by 2/3. the stuff is fine, and gets the job done, but that shit blacks me out. it saves me money like you wouldn't believe, and it never ever makes me sick or crazy, but it really fucking blacks me out and that's like... what's the point of it, at all? might as well just go to sleep early.
i think another thing about that is just - going out and doing the same thing. after all this time, the scene is just not electrifying to me at all. it's fun, and it's interesting or whatever but you can only go to the same exact places and listen to the same tunes so many times. the same scenery. it just runs together after a couple years. i need a change if i wanna keep doing that.. but also, i am 32, not 22. does it really hold so much of a fascination for me like it used to? i'd like to think so, i mean i still have the energy. i need to find a fresh angle though. this is why people use expensive drugs i guess.. hahaha...
we watched jackass last night. whew, you know, i have never watched that stuff very much before, i've been aware of it and i can appreciate why it is so popular but DAMN - i could feel my IQ dropping by several points just sitting through that shit. i have never been into "shocking humor" though, i am more of an abstract guy I suppose. i just don't like watching people barf and piss on each other and eat one another's shit. call me old-fashioned. it's okay, i have my moments when i will start howling at the top of my lungs in a crowded place about how everyone has a big pink asshole with hairs awkwardly protruding out, or something like that. We all have our flavor I suppose.
I locked my girlfriend out of the apartment by accident saturday night, (yeah... "by accident!" HAW HAW) and to make it up to her, I drove her to the outlet mall in Ontario (about an hour and change of driving). Ahhh, the mall, the mall. You know, when I was a kid, the mall was COOL, I liked going there. Sort of. Well, really, we were mall rats somewhat, it is true. Slumming at Friendly's, drinking fribbles. I had my pulse onthe 16-bit videogame scene and regularly haunted the local Electronics Bougeek and of course the old standards, Toys R Us and Kay-Bee toys. that shit was white hot back in the day! Got te new EGM yet? Got the new Shinobi game? Whip Rush? Atari Lynx? What's up with Ninja Gaiden II? Man those were the days. i was such an ubernerd (yeah, "WAS") I spent so much time hounding the employees of those poor places "where oh WHERE is Simon's Quest???? I MUST KNOW!") Alright, so the point is we go to the mall now and it's a completely different scene. And yeah the mall in Everytown USA is generally a cleaner and more sanitized experienced ("devoid of character"). Ugly design. Bland Gross food court. A little too packed with blue collars and red necks. The fun is gone... recordtown is gone... The last vestiges of any kind of mom n pop stores are GONE BABY GONE. We used to have a few of 'em in Shopper's World, yeah I loved that place too. I know, this is just Old Man Alpert talking now. This is what happens..
I'll miss it even more when I get 20 years older, I'll actually miss THESE days "I remember a time when people had to actually GO places to buy things, at all!" Yeah so the world is changing a bit too rapidly these days. Keep paying attention or you'll miss the next revolution in the blink of an eye.
Damn. I don't wanna call it a night. it's 4am and i am happy sitting here in my old-man bathrobe listening to DJ shadow and typing away and my eyes are bleary. I have nothing to do tomorrow except the usual juggling act, get some food, go to the post office to mail some stuff off.. pack my crap up... sigh and tread into the future. Best part is I am gonna fly jetBlue, to new york and back... argggh, hopefully they won't trap us all on the goddamned plane. Yikes! Enough out of me then..
last week was pretty eventful. 2 job interviews, 2 job offers. i said to both of them "not yet, not till i get done with interview number three" which is tomorrow (tuesday) in new york. that job is still the one which has been at the center of my attention - for good and difficult reasons. anyway without reiterating it all for the nine-hundred-and-fifty-seventh time, same shit, different day. at least things are happening. i did start work on another art test for another job (local) today, but then... ahhh.. petered out of gas. it's for a job that is close by, pretty stable by the looks of things, but NOT what I wanna be doing so much.
what else to say then! not much else to report. i feel as though there's just not much else to say. i caught up with a bunch of friends last night, something which i don't feel like i generally do very often -- and it's always good to do that, of course. i did also go out and be a little more social a couple of times last week, hitting the club scene. it's alright, but the clubs are just NOT stimulating my nerves at all like they used to. i think i have definitely blown a fuse in all of that - i really do need a new drug. i just gotta hang up on drinking jagermeister for real, or at least cut my dosage into by 2/3. the stuff is fine, and gets the job done, but that shit blacks me out. it saves me money like you wouldn't believe, and it never ever makes me sick or crazy, but it really fucking blacks me out and that's like... what's the point of it, at all? might as well just go to sleep early.
i think another thing about that is just - going out and doing the same thing. after all this time, the scene is just not electrifying to me at all. it's fun, and it's interesting or whatever but you can only go to the same exact places and listen to the same tunes so many times. the same scenery. it just runs together after a couple years. i need a change if i wanna keep doing that.. but also, i am 32, not 22. does it really hold so much of a fascination for me like it used to? i'd like to think so, i mean i still have the energy. i need to find a fresh angle though. this is why people use expensive drugs i guess.. hahaha...
we watched jackass last night. whew, you know, i have never watched that stuff very much before, i've been aware of it and i can appreciate why it is so popular but DAMN - i could feel my IQ dropping by several points just sitting through that shit. i have never been into "shocking humor" though, i am more of an abstract guy I suppose. i just don't like watching people barf and piss on each other and eat one another's shit. call me old-fashioned. it's okay, i have my moments when i will start howling at the top of my lungs in a crowded place about how everyone has a big pink asshole with hairs awkwardly protruding out, or something like that. We all have our flavor I suppose.
I locked my girlfriend out of the apartment by accident saturday night, (yeah... "by accident!" HAW HAW) and to make it up to her, I drove her to the outlet mall in Ontario (about an hour and change of driving). Ahhh, the mall, the mall. You know, when I was a kid, the mall was COOL, I liked going there. Sort of. Well, really, we were mall rats somewhat, it is true. Slumming at Friendly's, drinking fribbles. I had my pulse onthe 16-bit videogame scene and regularly haunted the local Electronics Bougeek and of course the old standards, Toys R Us and Kay-Bee toys. that shit was white hot back in the day! Got te new EGM yet? Got the new Shinobi game? Whip Rush? Atari Lynx? What's up with Ninja Gaiden II? Man those were the days. i was such an ubernerd (yeah, "WAS") I spent so much time hounding the employees of those poor places "where oh WHERE is Simon's Quest???? I MUST KNOW!") Alright, so the point is we go to the mall now and it's a completely different scene. And yeah the mall in Everytown USA is generally a cleaner and more sanitized experienced ("devoid of character"). Ugly design. Bland Gross food court. A little too packed with blue collars and red necks. The fun is gone... recordtown is gone... The last vestiges of any kind of mom n pop stores are GONE BABY GONE. We used to have a few of 'em in Shopper's World, yeah I loved that place too. I know, this is just Old Man Alpert talking now. This is what happens..
I'll miss it even more when I get 20 years older, I'll actually miss THESE days "I remember a time when people had to actually GO places to buy things, at all!" Yeah so the world is changing a bit too rapidly these days. Keep paying attention or you'll miss the next revolution in the blink of an eye.
Damn. I don't wanna call it a night. it's 4am and i am happy sitting here in my old-man bathrobe listening to DJ shadow and typing away and my eyes are bleary. I have nothing to do tomorrow except the usual juggling act, get some food, go to the post office to mail some stuff off.. pack my crap up... sigh and tread into the future. Best part is I am gonna fly jetBlue, to new york and back... argggh, hopefully they won't trap us all on the goddamned plane. Yikes! Enough out of me then..
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
the incorrect lines about the pestilence
what, what was i going to type right now? oh, yeah.
sigh. another late night, a sort of pensive one. a night which feels like it's fallen out of time. is it ironic, or typical, that i've previously spent $250 or so for a huge MP3-filled jukebox with enough music on it to last me a lifetime, yet all I ever listen to is current talk-show downloads or streams of live radio stations (local, yet, inaccessible downstairs as my tuner is compromised. like so many things i own - partially junked!)
a lot going on right now. i had an interview for a job today; it went well. i showed up about 15 minutes late (the freeway exit was missing an important sign and so pointed me several minutes in the wrong direction, before i wised up and corrected the error). It didn't matter, i sat down before a committee of 4 or 5 men and had it out with them, before doing the same before a fresh set of 4 more, all over again.
interviewing is interesting, i've done it several times. i love/strongly dislike talking about what i do for work, depending on the context- going over my passions with strangers is not something i've ever had much of an affinity for, especially when it is stronly and personally relevant to my future, and i have long been the sort who'd get stricken with stage fright in any similar situation. Still, I seem to have got the hang of the interview thing, by now it feels more than ever as if i am in fact the interviewer and those before me the interviewees, "who will i spend my time with next?" In some ways, it's as if judging, beforehand, what sort of a relationship you are applying to involved yourself with: certainly as intimately, and more than romantically. Now I know how women feel, right down to the painful sex part. Anyway, dramatics aside, the interview went well and I feel confident I will get a job offer of some sort out of it (we'd not talked money, but I don't think that'd break it at this point - still, never say NEVER.)
it's been quite, but of course as they say - "when it rains, it pours." I had just arrived home recently when another company called me up on the phone and we had it out for some time this afternoon, probably about an hour. So I will likely have an interview with them in the coming days as well, should things go as they have. And then ANOTHER call came in today, also, my old boss whom I've mentioned recently came through and is trying to place me with yet a 3rd position. Al these things are interesting, and in their ways tempting. None of them is "the perfect fit," not as when I had a strong realization that night back in 2004 (THIS is what I want to do!) No, I have feelings in different regards about many things..
Option #4 is still New York City, and that trip is exactly one week away. The more that topic comes up, the more polarized the answers from those I ask become regarding the matter. This job, above all the rest, is still the strongest draw to me for many reasons, and also the most PAIN IN THE ASS TO CONSIDER at the same time. It excites me, the job itself does - the prospect of killing everything and refreshing my system is exciting to say the least - and the knowledge of what i would be leaving behind is terribly upsetting to balance it all off. I know I will go there and like their project. i know when I am there I will be blown away by the opportunity and say "i want this, i want this..." But for the right reasons? I talked to a friend today, he revealed to me that his age is 24 and that he is working in the industry but "tired of being in the same place, I want to move to a different city; see the world." Oh how that makes me ache!! I am 32, my world is a particular color, i am held by all these things in my life that keep me in a certain way, I wish I could just cut loose and be young and stupid and careless again, care not for what lay ahead. just fuck it and just do it.
I sat on the toilet a few minutes ago, reading a friend's novel about homeless, careless young derelicts passing through the country, without money, without connections, without any care. Not without problems, but not without means either. The story charges me, as other things I have read charged me: miller, kerouac. I leaned forward and saw the contour of my face in the long bathroom mirror. I am wearing a hoodie, it's matting my hair close to my face and so emphasizing the curves and contours that make up my cheeks, my nose, the roundness of my chin. I look tired, I look older, a little silly, a little out of place. Not like the place where these thoughts come from, this character.
I yearn for my stability, but I despise it. I love what I do and I wrap myself around it, and i wish DEARLY for some control and variety of choices in what I will do with my life. they lie at my feet and it's completely up to me now, and I want to turn my back on it all and let my adult mind "choose the proper path" so i can pay bills, save up for my house, be responsible. So WHAT? So I can be married someday, so I can have a house and a wife and a family? Is that what i want? Is that the control that I seek? Isn't that what I am always told will make me happy?
Today was an interesting day. It's given a little bit of my self-confidence back. It is hard-won. And it's reminded me that the biggest problems I have with the world are the real weaknesses I have allowed it to develop in myself, as "special" or "different" as I would like to think I am, I am truly built of a backbone that's just the same as all of my peers, of my progenitors, I am another safe path just following the program. The little blips which I would curse are the gifts, the opportunities in life which truly give one chance to be that difference, to get away from what is known and expected. I am hard on myself I suppose, everything in the world can be black and white sometimes and so I will react with a similar outlook, perhaps I should be a little more considerate of things. I just don't wanna blow it.
damn it, i really want some pie.
sigh. another late night, a sort of pensive one. a night which feels like it's fallen out of time. is it ironic, or typical, that i've previously spent $250 or so for a huge MP3-filled jukebox with enough music on it to last me a lifetime, yet all I ever listen to is current talk-show downloads or streams of live radio stations (local, yet, inaccessible downstairs as my tuner is compromised. like so many things i own - partially junked!)
a lot going on right now. i had an interview for a job today; it went well. i showed up about 15 minutes late (the freeway exit was missing an important sign and so pointed me several minutes in the wrong direction, before i wised up and corrected the error). It didn't matter, i sat down before a committee of 4 or 5 men and had it out with them, before doing the same before a fresh set of 4 more, all over again.
interviewing is interesting, i've done it several times. i love/strongly dislike talking about what i do for work, depending on the context- going over my passions with strangers is not something i've ever had much of an affinity for, especially when it is stronly and personally relevant to my future, and i have long been the sort who'd get stricken with stage fright in any similar situation. Still, I seem to have got the hang of the interview thing, by now it feels more than ever as if i am in fact the interviewer and those before me the interviewees, "who will i spend my time with next?" In some ways, it's as if judging, beforehand, what sort of a relationship you are applying to involved yourself with: certainly as intimately, and more than romantically. Now I know how women feel, right down to the painful sex part. Anyway, dramatics aside, the interview went well and I feel confident I will get a job offer of some sort out of it (we'd not talked money, but I don't think that'd break it at this point - still, never say NEVER.)
it's been quite, but of course as they say - "when it rains, it pours." I had just arrived home recently when another company called me up on the phone and we had it out for some time this afternoon, probably about an hour. So I will likely have an interview with them in the coming days as well, should things go as they have. And then ANOTHER call came in today, also, my old boss whom I've mentioned recently came through and is trying to place me with yet a 3rd position. Al these things are interesting, and in their ways tempting. None of them is "the perfect fit," not as when I had a strong realization that night back in 2004 (THIS is what I want to do!) No, I have feelings in different regards about many things..
Option #4 is still New York City, and that trip is exactly one week away. The more that topic comes up, the more polarized the answers from those I ask become regarding the matter. This job, above all the rest, is still the strongest draw to me for many reasons, and also the most PAIN IN THE ASS TO CONSIDER at the same time. It excites me, the job itself does - the prospect of killing everything and refreshing my system is exciting to say the least - and the knowledge of what i would be leaving behind is terribly upsetting to balance it all off. I know I will go there and like their project. i know when I am there I will be blown away by the opportunity and say "i want this, i want this..." But for the right reasons? I talked to a friend today, he revealed to me that his age is 24 and that he is working in the industry but "tired of being in the same place, I want to move to a different city; see the world." Oh how that makes me ache!! I am 32, my world is a particular color, i am held by all these things in my life that keep me in a certain way, I wish I could just cut loose and be young and stupid and careless again, care not for what lay ahead. just fuck it and just do it.
I sat on the toilet a few minutes ago, reading a friend's novel about homeless, careless young derelicts passing through the country, without money, without connections, without any care. Not without problems, but not without means either. The story charges me, as other things I have read charged me: miller, kerouac. I leaned forward and saw the contour of my face in the long bathroom mirror. I am wearing a hoodie, it's matting my hair close to my face and so emphasizing the curves and contours that make up my cheeks, my nose, the roundness of my chin. I look tired, I look older, a little silly, a little out of place. Not like the place where these thoughts come from, this character.
I yearn for my stability, but I despise it. I love what I do and I wrap myself around it, and i wish DEARLY for some control and variety of choices in what I will do with my life. they lie at my feet and it's completely up to me now, and I want to turn my back on it all and let my adult mind "choose the proper path" so i can pay bills, save up for my house, be responsible. So WHAT? So I can be married someday, so I can have a house and a wife and a family? Is that what i want? Is that the control that I seek? Isn't that what I am always told will make me happy?
Today was an interesting day. It's given a little bit of my self-confidence back. It is hard-won. And it's reminded me that the biggest problems I have with the world are the real weaknesses I have allowed it to develop in myself, as "special" or "different" as I would like to think I am, I am truly built of a backbone that's just the same as all of my peers, of my progenitors, I am another safe path just following the program. The little blips which I would curse are the gifts, the opportunities in life which truly give one chance to be that difference, to get away from what is known and expected. I am hard on myself I suppose, everything in the world can be black and white sometimes and so I will react with a similar outlook, perhaps I should be a little more considerate of things. I just don't wanna blow it.
damn it, i really want some pie.
Friday, February 16, 2007
pre-traumatic stress disorder insecticon syndrome
4:30 in the afternoon, still feeling kinda crappy but not falling down the stairs with my head cracking open like a fragile eggshell and leaking the gooey contents all over the floor and formica countertops, not yet anyway. I am a bit dizzy though, and more than anything just wanna be left alone... which is nice to be, right now... but yeah, i'm on the mend, feeling better day by day.
i did send out another CD-rom demo to another local developer today, that marks the third one in a week's time. That means I will collect about 10 jpgs together (usually the same for any CD's I send out, give or take 1 or 2 - depending on who's gonna see it), track down the name of the art director for said company (you know, for that "personal touch," it leaves me with slightly more confidence that the intended person will get to have a gander on it as opposed to "Art Director" which means it'll likely immediately get shoveled onto the lap of the "HR person") - modify the cover letter accordingly, touch up my breakdown sheet (explaining what I'd done in the jpgs, likewise the QT movie - which is 50 percent too small dammit, my own oversight - and the 3D scene files and supporting textures), and of course a cleanly-cropped 1-Page resume, burn it all in Nero CD, print out a nice neat professional-er looking adhesive label, wrap it up nice and tight in a USPS envelope and ship it to wherever it's gonna go. This is exciting, I know "the process, the process..." Usually to a studio fueled by somewhat partial egomaniacs who've long forgotten how tough it can be to get a break here and there so they'll likely not even glance at the fruits of my labor, but y'never know, it's worth a shot. Anyway No matter how gross I feel I'll always jump at the opportunity to send a CD-rom out to wherever it might do me well - yeah I've a website, and that's all well and good, but sometimes it pays to be a little more aggro and hit multiple fronts, if you know what I am saying. So yeah, sent it out, piked up a sandwich at the local italian joint up the street - not very hungry (my appetite has been absent) but I need to put some food in that gullet. Oh i paid my bills today and ARGH that's enough to get a boy's pants wrinkled! FUUUUuck. I need to get a job soon. It's always a good feeling to get a bunch of that shit out the door "I won't be seeing the likes of those hooligans for a little while" but at the same time it's a sobering reminder of how much money I owe and how much progress I've gt to make. I am not a money-hungerer, but i get tired of seeing that same amount sitting on the mantlepiece, a constant reminder of how far I've gone and how far I've yet to go.
The reality of leaving Hollywood is hitting me a little. I know I have this job interview in two weeks out of town, and after considering the whine-worthy things mentioned above, it truly feels like a really NICE escape-hatch. It also feels like a bullet, just like killing a part of myself, which is admittedly a harder thing to come to terms with. As I have mentioned, time and again, I've done this before, and I am cognizant of the consequences (good and bad) and more than anything else, the thought of it all just exhausts me. It's not to say it is not exciting, hell even tantalizing, and more than anything else the same thing echoes in my brain "this is what you asked for!" but hey, i am a hypocrite as much as anyone else. It's easier to watch shit happen to other folks and let your own life kind of cruise down an easily digestible path. Oh okay this stuff is not that hard to digest.. didn't I mention I was a drama queen a few times here and there?
I got a call two days ago from a former boss, I don't think it's got mentioned in here yet - he hired me for my first job in LA, and he was always a pretty decent guy. He didn't promise me a job but he said he might have something lined up (by the pedigree, I was expecting it'd be something relatively shorter-shooting than the relatively higher-profile projects I've been involved with the last couple of years) Anyway that was nice to get a call, even if he disappeared as mysteriously as he'd
appeared (he intimated that i'd be hearing back immediately, which didn't happen). And today I got an email from another position i was checking out, we've just set up an interview for early next week. So, yeah, things aren't quite as bleak as my overly somber tone might not want to betray. Bitches.
the weather in LA is gorgeous right now. I keep thinking about the fantasy I wrote about earlier.. sipping on the pina colada, watching the sun set, relaxing with my feet in the sand. The tropical paradise of my dreams, it doesn't really have to be quite so far away... does it?
i did send out another CD-rom demo to another local developer today, that marks the third one in a week's time. That means I will collect about 10 jpgs together (usually the same for any CD's I send out, give or take 1 or 2 - depending on who's gonna see it), track down the name of the art director for said company (you know, for that "personal touch," it leaves me with slightly more confidence that the intended person will get to have a gander on it as opposed to "Art Director" which means it'll likely immediately get shoveled onto the lap of the "HR person") - modify the cover letter accordingly, touch up my breakdown sheet (explaining what I'd done in the jpgs, likewise the QT movie - which is 50 percent too small dammit, my own oversight - and the 3D scene files and supporting textures), and of course a cleanly-cropped 1-Page resume, burn it all in Nero CD, print out a nice neat professional-er looking adhesive label, wrap it up nice and tight in a USPS envelope and ship it to wherever it's gonna go. This is exciting, I know "the process, the process..." Usually to a studio fueled by somewhat partial egomaniacs who've long forgotten how tough it can be to get a break here and there so they'll likely not even glance at the fruits of my labor, but y'never know, it's worth a shot. Anyway No matter how gross I feel I'll always jump at the opportunity to send a CD-rom out to wherever it might do me well - yeah I've a website, and that's all well and good, but sometimes it pays to be a little more aggro and hit multiple fronts, if you know what I am saying. So yeah, sent it out, piked up a sandwich at the local italian joint up the street - not very hungry (my appetite has been absent) but I need to put some food in that gullet. Oh i paid my bills today and ARGH that's enough to get a boy's pants wrinkled! FUUUUuck. I need to get a job soon. It's always a good feeling to get a bunch of that shit out the door "I won't be seeing the likes of those hooligans for a little while" but at the same time it's a sobering reminder of how much money I owe and how much progress I've gt to make. I am not a money-hungerer, but i get tired of seeing that same amount sitting on the mantlepiece, a constant reminder of how far I've gone and how far I've yet to go.
The reality of leaving Hollywood is hitting me a little. I know I have this job interview in two weeks out of town, and after considering the whine-worthy things mentioned above, it truly feels like a really NICE escape-hatch. It also feels like a bullet, just like killing a part of myself, which is admittedly a harder thing to come to terms with. As I have mentioned, time and again, I've done this before, and I am cognizant of the consequences (good and bad) and more than anything else, the thought of it all just exhausts me. It's not to say it is not exciting, hell even tantalizing, and more than anything else the same thing echoes in my brain "this is what you asked for!" but hey, i am a hypocrite as much as anyone else. It's easier to watch shit happen to other folks and let your own life kind of cruise down an easily digestible path. Oh okay this stuff is not that hard to digest.. didn't I mention I was a drama queen a few times here and there?
I got a call two days ago from a former boss, I don't think it's got mentioned in here yet - he hired me for my first job in LA, and he was always a pretty decent guy. He didn't promise me a job but he said he might have something lined up (by the pedigree, I was expecting it'd be something relatively shorter-shooting than the relatively higher-profile projects I've been involved with the last couple of years) Anyway that was nice to get a call, even if he disappeared as mysteriously as he'd
appeared (he intimated that i'd be hearing back immediately, which didn't happen). And today I got an email from another position i was checking out, we've just set up an interview for early next week. So, yeah, things aren't quite as bleak as my overly somber tone might not want to betray. Bitches.
the weather in LA is gorgeous right now. I keep thinking about the fantasy I wrote about earlier.. sipping on the pina colada, watching the sun set, relaxing with my feet in the sand. The tropical paradise of my dreams, it doesn't really have to be quite so far away... does it?
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