unemployed once again

: (

job leads welcome. that's all.

well...

last night (sat night) went out for a friend's b-day, met up downtown... some place called "the redwood" i believe. Interesting joint, quite small and packed. I got loaded rather quickly (it had been a couple of weeks) and licked my friend andy's inner elbow. Something about excessive whiskey is making me perverted, that's good to know. I also think i kissed my friend aaron's hand. Alright, it's official, i am going homosexual at last. AT LAST. I guess i can hack it so long as I keep it to elbows and hands, i guess i could do something with toes also. I don't know all about the whole penis and butthole thing. That's not really kosher for me. Speaking of which, I FINALLY saw a guy at the gym who was wearing a yarmulke as he was working out. That's like.. two kinds of dedication at the same time. I wonder what happens when he swims? Does he wear a raincoat-material yarmulke? Can NASA get on that please? Speaking of THAT, my friend recently wondered "what happened to raincoats anyway, You never see them anymore..." Duh. We live in Soutern California. Who needs a raincoat down here?? I understand the sentiment though. Raincoats are totally one of those things that screams "developed and sold in the 1970s and 1980s," perhaps if the grunge scene lasted a little longer you would have seen a few more of those yellow beasts, maybe it's time to start wearing them out to the clubs. We'll see. The emo kids won't like it - I don't see Hot Topic picking up a line of Twilight Raincoats, but who knows. People will buy anything, no matter how ugly or weird (yup.)

Sunday night, did a lot of sitting on my ass this weekend. I had a lot of stuff I should have done - when don't I - but generally my engines are burned a little lately. Things just pile up, in life, sometimes.. I am okay though. Moody as all get-out but I get my stuff done.. I am working on it.

Mentioned the gym, I have been pretty good about going (almost) daily, it's still a new thing in my life (again) but already I do feel better for it, a little more energized.. it's not too much of a drag to go. I love the one near work, well as much as one can love a gym - that is, they have goddamned cable TVs on top of every single machine, I watched "the Right Stuff" while I was Treadmilling. Not joking. I think I watced "The Grudge 2" the other night (bad movie!) Lots of family guy and CNN. Okay it's all rotten to my brain, but the point is to keep my mind off the fact that I am running in place like an idiot. Oh what has the world become??? What?

The gym in Hollywood is much more of a letdown. A lot more of the older set, nebbishy, ya know.. OC is trim and fit and style-concious. Lots of hotter chicks, I guess.. Hollywood just has like 3 screens on the wall, no big deal (just the weekends anyway) but my iPod is one foot in the grave - as all HD iPods usually wind-up - so I can only kinda listen to music on it before it starts failing and I gotta smack the shit out of it while I am trying to run or whatever, trying not to alarm the people working out beside me. Yeah, the gym. Also, last night was awesome, and I am actually pretty ashamed to mention this in my blog, but ater I finished working out I pulled into the drive-thru of the McD's which is ATTACHED TO THE SAME BUILDING AS THE GYM (are you tired of my caps yet) and bought a damned Big Mac, and promptly engulfed it. I know, I know "what's the damned point of working out then?" but I was going to be drinking - a lot - in no short order so I wanted a big greasery burger down there to lie in wait and soak up some of the whiskey, you know? It's bad enough blowing money on a bar bill, and licking/spitting on my friends (Gay, Gay, Gay), and calling my girlfriend late in the night to talk about.. something, which I usually only have piecemeal memories of, et cetera, but the crowning achievement of all of that is to be hungfuckingover the following day, esp. when it is the weekend, and I need that time to actualy NOT feel like a braindead bag of leopard feces, or something. So, yeah, Big Mac = a worthwhile investment, I stand by my decision.

alriiiight, it is almost 3:30 in the morning, I need to wake up for work in like 5 hrs. I don't know how many hours I actualy slept last night (probably in the neighborhood of six, i'd wager..?) Good night, good week, good luck.

good night sweet prince, well, it is time to go???

so i want to end my myspace blog? does any "actual" person (besides web spiders) actually look at this anymore... i know myspace is pretty passe'? if i kill it, i will still update the blogger page. does anyone care?
not me, i have a love/hate relationship with the internet at this point. honestly, it's filled with useful/interesting things, and in some ways i have contributed a lot to it. but really i WOULD NOT MIND IF IT WENT AWAY, FOREVER. I miss being a human, and being able to associate with other humans around me, on a human level. the bits and bytes are not terribly conducive to that. if you don't know, even in the slightest, what i am referring to, then u are already too far gone. Sigh.

baggeries

people love saying "douche bag." Now it has evolved into "baggery" or even "baggeries" to describe the actions of such an individual. How odd - people are strange. Anyway you will not hear me saying "douche bag" very often, if at all. It just sounds like some fancy french purse to me.

And so, it is nigh on to midnight on sunday night, the culmination of my winter 08 vacation has come (and gone) - for shortly, I will drift to sleep and be awake again, to stare at the breaklights of my thousands of fellow commuters, as we all return to work for another day poundin' the pavement, earning that cashola, trying to make our way to that sublime shangri-la at some uneven point down in the who-knows-where distance of it all. Ohhh, yeah.

And it's sad my vacation has wrapped up, since I had nearly two weeks of time off - it went by in a flash, and though it certainly was not "bad," it didn't feel particularly wonderful. I did have a couple of decent moments though, and spent some good times with me mates, yeh i did. Hell, thinking back to xmas eve already feels like it was a long, long time ago! I guess over the break i just hung out a LOT. I played some videogames (mostly littleBigPlanet). I didn't really get to the gym, as i had planned (still waiting for the damned membership card to arrive in the mail...!) but I did go out and at least walk around (a LOT) and get my blood n' bones moving around some - didn't just sit on my butt the ENTIRE time. I had hoped to do some artwork at home - something - but that didn't come to pass either, although I finally DID get a little inspired today, at last (final day of vacation, figures....)

I also solicited many people for ideas of things to read and got my hands on a little cross-section of books. I made it through a Howard Zinn graphic-novelization of his famous work, which was well-made but of course extremely upsetting (just makes me think "what's the point of ever trying to buy things or watch TV, since the whole universe is basically mean and evil). I did get out and party a couple of times as well - night after xmas (26th) went out to the bar with some friends and got fairly gonzered, then of course out for NYE (though I was probably drunk for all of a half-hour before coming down rather quickly, as I had things to take care of). Went out to the local bar (everyone loves Birds!) on Fri night for a couple drinks with the local fellows, nothing crazy (then of course some rock band to burn off the remaining energy. Till 5am! GEEZ!) Last night (saturday) a friend was in town so we took the opportunity for boy's night out, small patches of which i have vague residual memories of (yep, love those mornings when you wake up feeling like death itself and you think "oh, so it looks like i made it home once again...")

What else to relate - friday and today I did my boyfriend duty and took the lady out shopping, as all men must at times. Otherwise - uh - watched a lot of old twilight zone's on new year's day (marathon on the scifi channel!) and now, sitting here in the dark and quiet night, i must prepare to turn in and resume my "real life," of course. Yeah, of course I am not terribly psyched to get geared back up to the routine, but after a couple of days it will be alright to have my normalcy again. I am just anxious to plow through the next month or so, and get my dreaded "BDAY" past me, oh i dont really like those anymore. but HEY! On the upside, since I have started exercising/eating slightly better, my weight has been dropping - I am down about 5 pound,s which isn't much but I am really a CONSISTENT MOFO so that's a good sign. I want to get rid of this gut and fast -

correction to the previous

okay i suppose it has been somewhere on the inside of an hour or so since the last entry i wrote.

mind you i have been thinking a bit and writing a lot, lately. my mind is split a few different ways: business in general - macro (my industry) and micro (my career in my own particular path). Also between social - my friends, my relationship, my family ties. And then between my own personality - work, make money, buy shit, ease the pressures, let time pass, "if i make some more money i can buy that nicer Television, to watch shit on, and also maybe some new sponges for the kitchen sink" I sit here hunched over the computer, or splay out on the couch "wonder when the washer will be done"

it is so easy to let life pass you by. to let life pass, you buy. wouldn't a burger be good right now? maybe a diet soda? answer my cellphone please? 'cause it is getting a lot of
messages backlogged on it.

i don't understand. my girlfriend said she was interested in meeting me because she wanted to see what it would be like to date (another) artist, 4 years later and I have just become another whiny wussy asshole. Now I have different shoes to fill.

Fuck it. I was the one who decided to put those shoes on.

I live in one of the most interesting places and work in this crazy industry with some of the wildest people you ever could meet. We all just mash up our brains trying to figure out how to make it satisfying to kill virtual people, monsters, and robots for the eighty-seven hundredth time. I watch the news and it tells me how the world is stupid and shitty and we are all miserable and sad and the brown people want to kill us. I think I forgot how to be a cool guy..

i pick up a book and it comes flooding back to me, fleetingly... all the tools i need are right here, in my head, in my hands. All my strength is just a moment away. I get so easily caught up in the trappings of being another dude like all the other dudes and suddenly i realize "i thougt i liked myself, but now i don't, instead i will just let it pass by."

is this a conscious decision? am i smart and crafty but also jaded and exhausted - from love, from dedication, from passion, or have i simply got over my naivete? The world is big and brilliant and young and ready and I just wanna keep eating pizza and drinking corona and staring at the same shit day after day? Man. I wanna have a nervous breakdown. So what if I get arrested and fired and no one wants to listen to me anymore. At least that way, I can look forward to being excited again.

I don't know the answer. It is monday night and I have 6 days till the man owns my soul again. i have.. maybe a few hours ago until the woman owns the rest of it again. I will sit here going back and forth in my head and bask in the glow of the monitor, or the dash of my dying car, or the rough cut-up feeling of the back of my phlegmy throat. It is so damned easy to waste time. I am tired of this shit. 2009 is just a number, December and January are just names we made up to formulaically describe the same period of time in what (makes it feel better to think of as) the "revolving door of our lives," but it really doesn't matter. It's just moving forward, till you hit that wall, and then after that whatever debris you left behind is all that will matter as far as you are concerned..

I am just another schmoe, I am working too long (not very long, but long enough) to see the damned cycle go back and forth, and get too used to getting caught up in it myself. if i practiced whatever it is i am trying to preach, i cannot really say there's no way I wouldn't just fall right back into the damned pattern, the pattern which I just crave anyway. I mean.. I am not gonna quit. I will always just have to work around and keep doing what I know I can do. Hopefully - it is up to me - I will find some way to get back in touch with that weird little freaked part of me ad use some of these tools i have, to do something interesting, instead of just the same damned shit all of the time, like everyone else. But yeah, Happy new year then.

comes a time

and so another year winds down to a close.

i feel older, i feel worn down, i feel irritated.. but i also feel thankful for the good times, the good friends, the luxuries. 2008 wasn't a banner year by any means, but i did manage to hold down a job for the duration (beginning to end!) even if we didn't ship a game, and there were some cuts. Also I did get to go to China (high point of the year, for sure!) and survived a visit from the folks, even Also my girl didn't get too sick of me.. yet. Nor did i wind up in the hospital with some kind of alcohol poisoning, so I guess that's a decent noteworthy point. EH? EH? EH???

2009 i haven't got much to expect. i don't go into it with much enthusiasm. things are good, and i should hope they stay that way, but i hope i end it on a brighter note than going on. the world is a little wacky right now, and i am feeling a bit rough around the edges because of my own stupid brain. but i yam whatti yam. by this time next year i'd love to have more money, a new car, and better security with work and hey, a new car wouldn't be a bad thought (no way that thing's gonna be able to last one more year!)

Actually here's what i predict. I will get a new job, making 5 times my current salary. I will lose 15 pounds off my gut (and ass) and gain 7 (of pure muscle) in my arms and chest. The press will be beating down my doors for interviews, gorgeous supermodels falling at my feet, and my bald spot will start growing out (and my erectile dysfunction will disappear for good. FOR GOOD) All my debt will disappear and I will suddenly find myself owning 3 luxury houses (two in Europe) and countless riches.

Hey. It could happen. Suck on that, World.

mel mel melting away

damn so it is xmas in a couple of days, damn if it doesn't feel at all like the time of year it is supposed to be...

things are alright, i bummed around with my girlfriend and some other folks for the duration (though today was strictly a solitary affair for the most part). Not a bad weekend though! Unfortunately, my nerves are on a little bit of edge as things are stressful in my life (nu?) personally and professionally. Fact is, it is just a horrible holiday season! The money is all gone (and getting more all gone as the days pass) and my industry, as many others are, is in a pretty sorry shape. i almost wanna make like an ostrich, stick my head in the sand, and just wait it out..

i have two more days of work and then my own personal break will begin, can't wait! Well, I sort of can - i feel like i am not in the proper "mental space" for a break right now, if that makes any sense. Not to say I am eager to throw myself into heaps of work, but something just feels a little running-in-place to me somehow, at the moment.. can't properly explain it. I am definitely steeped in some lethargy, it's bad - my dishes are piling up again. On the upside, my car is running once more...

alright. it is 3am. i really need to get some shuteye.

noodles, poodles, and bobby trendy's dog

my head hurts.
it's almost 6am.
i have to be at work in a few hours....

..that is all.

you've been missing for a long-ish time

monday morning, in the wee hours, so i will try and be brief...

things are alright. it is cold outside, which is nice actually (i like it to be SOMEwhat cold in the winter) - still it was about 60 degrees during the day so i guess to many that couldn't be considered any kind of cold, but it is all relative you know. The weekend was alright, we hosted a belated b-day party for my girlfriend, basically it boiled down to the usual (a bunch of the folks came over, ate food, drank booze, played video games). A good time, as always, though most left quite early it was still pretty busy over here until well past most people's bedtime, i think we wrapped up and hit the hay after four a.m. I say it often, i am pretty damned lucky to have so many good friends to enjoy company with, and of course lucky to have a place to entertain them at (thankfully, no one seemed too troubled with the parking, which can be a pain in the ass quite often!) So yeah, it's been busy with such thins lately, though that is the time of the year, and in that way it's happiness.

just got out and pulled my car in. My car, my car. As noted recently, the poor thing is seeming to be on it's last legs. I was unable to get it seen by the mechanic until late in the week, at that time they flushed out the idle control system but warned me if the problem persists, it's gonna be another $500 to replace, so we will see how that goes. Basically, all the signs are there that "i must buy a new car!" This one is 11 yrs old - no, 12! No, 13!!! DAMN! And it has 210,000 miles on it (holy moly, that means it's close to a quarter million miles, that's... not... funny). Anyway I am looking now, so if anyone reads this and has a decent lead on gettin' a new ride, be sure to talk to me pronto.

What else - not much to say, I am sleepy and must be up for work in a few hours, so I will cut off right now. Hopefully, a mellow and non-taxing week lies in wait, though any good news is of course welcome. Bye Bye, Italia.

another freaaaagin' goddamned bloggedy blog

ok here is the part where i go look at the last blog i wrote, so i can decide what i am writing about..

oh, okay, good, i got the thanksgiving stuff out of the way. Anyway, here i am, it is 20 past 8 in the PM, sitting hunched way over in my chair at work, my eyes are bleary from not sleeping (last two nights i was pretty awful!). I am waiting for my generous girlfriend to pick me up from work (she is already 20 min late and won't be here for at least another hour, hey this is my blog so of course i am gonna whine in here!) But i appreciate her going way out of her way to get me at all ('cause man, it cost me like $50 to even get to work today anyway! two taxi rides, one train..) Though i gotta say it was nice taking the train in, wish i could somehow swing that into a more regular thang. Just lie back and pass out for 45 minutes, then wake up and BOOM right in santa ana, easy as pie.

i had to leave my car at home today as it's having trouble... um... MOVING right now, in fact i will bring it to the mechanic tomorrow who hopefully, and inexpensively, can resuscitate the old girl. I mean, I put 90 miles on it just about every day (at least!), the thing has 210,000 on it, 11 years old - it does run really well for what it is worth, but all the years and miles are definitely taking a toll. I have to face facts that it is time to get a new car, sadly it's not the best time economically to think about that but as my current machine is getting more expensive and inconvenient to upkeep, i feel like my hand is forced. It sucks 'cause i am already in debt (not horrible, but enough to make me shudder thinking about car debt on top of it). Also I don't wanna get some middling piece of crap that kind-of works, i would like something that will last me for awhile, and comfortably (and yeah, it should look kind of cool!) Maybe I will look at VWs and Hondas off the bat.. if i had a fat load of cash I would dream of buying an Audi or something, my dad always drove those and they felt powerful, and sturdy..

work is alright these days, as mentioned i am happier on this new project, though of course there's always gonna be things that drive ya nuts (no matter the job). I can deal with that, if it was easy and all perfect and not kinda crazy then there's not really be any pressure I guess. I am just feeling a little bit long in the tooth to still have to deal with some of the frustrating things, but - i mean - in life, you gotta pay dues. Even when you've been paying for awhile, some stuff just hangs out and you gotta keep paying. I shouldn't whine, in a lot of ways things feel quite cushy for me, if i had half brain i'd shut up and not think on it too much. I feel like that's the way a lot of things have "worked out" in my life. Friendships, girlfriend, where I live, health, etc. At this point I am in my mid-thirties (well, just about) and looking at where all these things stand, it's all pretty damned well "worked out" - but the maniac inside of me wants to tear everything apart and burn all the shreds and go do it a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WAY. That damned devil sits on my shoulder "drink this beer! Stare at that whore! Get mad about those projects!! Bah Bah Bahhhhh!!!" I don't know why it is making sheep-bleating noises, but the point is that things are good, and still I feel so far off where my path "wants" to be in some ways - and I feel like no matter what I do with my life, I am always gonna be chasing that intangible thing. I WANT to have that thing to chase, that carrot always dangling out of reach, making me feel... SHITTY, because if i was actually content then i would be "finished" and bored and just sit around going through the motions of life with no passion to make me feel like getting at it.

Blogging is nerdy and lame and pointless in many ways, but is also a great tool, it lets one just completely go off about themselves - this makes me understand why people must love therapy, in spite of the stigma attached to it (which is just kinda vanishing anyway) you just get to sit in a room and talk about yourself, for HOURS. Why in the hell else do you think i have written nearly FIVE HUNDRED blog entries in this thing (true, this is entry number 495!!) I'm terrible, like most men in my family i have this crazy limitless energy pushing me to do all this shit and I never know how to properly express it, it is so nice to at least half this outlet - bizarre and damning as it may be.

well, dammit, i am sleepy.

sold out for toothpaste

Thanksgiving weekend is behind us, and now it is closing in on 3:30 in the morning - though I am powered with a ton of energy (don't you love how that works?) I need to be up in <5 hours so I will try to keep this sort of brief, so I can head to de bed.

Thanksgiving was fun! It was a lot of work, and I was beat, and it cost some $$$, but I think it was pretty successful. Big thanks go out to my girlfriend who did the bulk of the food preparation, it was extremely tasty (we had 11 lbs turkey, gravy, stuffing, mashed potatoes, salad, didn't even touch the soup...) Cranberry sauce (yeah, from a jar, which is fine!), she even made a strawberry cheesecake. Everything tasted wonderful! Some friends brought pies and booze as well -- we had about 12 people here I guess, just eating and drinking and playing rockband and bomberman into the wee hours, it was a really good time!

Friday, I was thinking maybe I'd wander into the office, instead we got up and met some friends in Chinatown for Dim Sum, they bought us lunch (thanks!). Afterwards, the lady and I split up (she'd got a test to study for) and I headed back downtown with the others to check out the Auto Show. I hadn't been to an Auto Show since going with my dad several years ago in Boston, nor had I been to the LA Convention Center for ages since E3 had wrapped up - it seemed like a weird and kinda random thing to do, so why not! We chilled out at the bar for a long time, putting away vodka tonic and beers, after the hectic day before it felt so nice to just relax in the corner with my buddies and shoot the breeze! We got a bit god and loaded and then ran like wild people through the convention hall, sort of a re-living of days long gone (taking lots of pictures, being nuisances in general) but it was fun and surreal and totally worth it. We returned to their place, ate a pizza and watched a movie and polished off another bottle of alcohol, called a cab and then went out for a following night of more debuauchery. I honestly haven't kept up a solid day of going like that since.. well, damn, maybe E3 those years ago! We ran into some friends at the bar, hit a couple spots, more of being a nuisance (yeah, it happens) and then eventually found our way back to my place (and my poor unsuspecting girlfriend) at the end of the night. Somehow, we picked up a couple of random ladies who followed us into my pad, they were trying to lose some shady guy who was tailing them. The story gets muggy... both of the girls wanted nothing to do with him, then one of them said he was her girlfriend, but she had just met him that day, but.. I don't know.. it was getting draggy and confusing and eventually we let the guy (waiting patiently, and kinda pathetically, outside) in to "collect" them and take them out of our hair, it didn't seem like anyone was in any danger so we bade them goodbye.

Next day was a rough one, after the manic prior day of nonstop abuse my head was pounding relentlessly, I threw a bunch of advil at it, did some dishes, had a fight with my girl, made up, watched a netflix movie and ate a pizza. Today (sunday) was her birthday, we finished doing laundry and slept in laaaaaaate and sort of lazed around all day on our asses. Watched Jurassic Park 2 on TV, then decided to go out to a fancy place for Bday dinner with some friends (it was tasty!) Then home to chill out. And now - I go to bed.

the babysitter’s dead - you heard what i said

wednesday morning/tuesday night. it is pouring out, all evening, looks to be much of the same the next several days, perhaps... we went out shopping for turkey day dinner last night after i got home from work, looks to be quite a feast! Hopefully we can make a det in it..!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THINGS I FEARED AS A SMALL CHILD
cockroaches, dragonflies
driving
being in front of people/center of attention
mushrooms
angry dogs
not wearing socks
thunderstorms
being in an a place i don't know
darkness
my dad's belt
creepy old people
being stuck in a dark closet





THINGS I FEAR AS AN ADULT
cancer
DUI
long-term relationships
layoffs
being stuck in the same location for an extended period of time
baldness, obesity
car accidents
impotence
annoying repetitive/tapping noises
not being asked for ID at bars and clubs
crazy women
babies
expensive CC bills
blacking out
oversleeping thru my alarm(s)
nervous breakdowns
internet outage


--- this list was much more entertaining when i thought of it yesterday. perhaps i will do it again when i am feeling a little more creative.

a billion bullshit arti$$$T$$$$$

another weekend has dripped by, another November has nearly withered away into a bunch of more-than-nothingness, and again i am up past my bedtime in preparatuon for another week ahead. it'll be a short week, as it's gonna be thxgiving on thursday and all of that.

things are all right, as recently noted I have been making something of an effort to fly under the radar, stay outta trouble, keep on the DL, all of that - basically try to avoid spending shit tons of money and not get too drunk. I dd get out a bit more than i'd've planned since last writing in here (blame several people's birthdays) and for those reasons i have a few nights that exist only in the very vaguest of memories... but ah well, life goes on, doesn't it... this weekend, i stayed in fri night and didn't do much. saturday i hung out with some buddies in pasadena, we ate then talked (a lot) then ate again then watched the new bond movie (review:meh). Today, being sunday, I cleaned up the apartment/washed dishes/played some video games, that was about it.

called my folks this afternoon, as we spoke i heard a helicopter just overhead - midday, what the hell, is there a bad accident on the 11, damnnn that is annoying!! Off the phone later, I gt online and right there on the front page of yahoo, there was the news - bizarre, of course - some dude was brandishing a pair of samurai swords (!!!!!) and supposedly attempted to attack a security guard at the Scientology Celebrity Center up the street from my apartment - the guard panicked and shot the would-be samurai dead right there. So bizarre. Anyway, that place isn't even a half-mile from my apartment..! Sucks, anyway it made me sad... Life feels short, fragile, and pointless in a way, in times like that. I guess we are all just ants though, and designed to be destroyed, often at one another's hands.

For some reason I decided to look on the UMass Amherst Art Dep' website, I don't really think i have a good reason why. All these names (the chair-people) cae kinda foodng back to m as I saw them listed there, though to be honest I can't say 99 percent of them really ever had any meaning for me. I just figured they were all a bunch of elder uppity artists getting paid too much to not do much of nothing. hey, that's business, maybe one day I will be able to settle into a mega-cushy job and complain endlessly about THAT too (yeah, me complain? Hard to imagine)

It dd inspire me, once again, to get more of an advanced presence on the internet, at least art-wise - it would be the ultimate gallery, more so than just my "texture mercenary" thing i mostly have goin' on now, anyway - though i suppose the more one gets into that end of things, the more masturbatory it all becomes really. Well, whatever fills up the times of one's life, I suppose. I guess no matter what, you're just ultimately trying to sell something else anyway, until you reach the point where they keep bringing you cash nonstop for just being there to receive it. Well, not bloody likely...

Cold out, it's been hot, then cold, then warm, then cool, no one else seems to know or care, i guess it's kinda irrelevant but it does seem a little offputting.. i don't mind if it is a bit cold for awhile, just stick to something.. damned season!

How do I feel.. well, bloated, restless, sleepy, kinda sezzzzually frustrated, lazy, bored with the stable things in my life, so pretty much - business as usual. looking forward to getting into the office tomorrow so i can finish up workin' on a dor.

fast one

well, obama cinched it, the projections were right-on, and so a new day dawns at last. As i drove home last night and listened to his victory speech broadcasting over my little car radio, damn if my eyes didn't tear up a little bit as i had a feeling that better times may lie ahead. Yeah, there will be lots of hard work to unravel the mess, and surely there's gonna be tough times to weather in the meantime. That is life. Anyway it's always interesting to witness history as it is being made. hopefully the stupid racist haters won't do anything stupid to screw it up. It'll be interesting to see if the rest of the world likes America a tiny bit more, now...

got word that daft punk was gonna be playing a secret show at space last night, so called some buddies up and trucked out lickety-split. the show turned out to be not, but it was fun to hang out with my gang. sadly, i am well into my career as an alcoholic, and as often happens I blacked out a good chunk of the night. i am tired of this shit! i never thought it was great when people proclaim how "awesome it is to get wasted," the more of it i do them more pathetic it feels, in my own case.. i know it's not helped by where i live, plus my lifestyle in general, and just getting always kinda wound up by work and all of that and needing to release, to escape from my inhibitions for a little while here and there. i have long wanted to find a more productive way to do that, but it's pretty hard, so i don't know if i will ever do that. just have to wait until some consequences kick my ass I guess - that's some pretty depressing thinking though. At least I am not the kind who "needs to drink," it's only when i am out in that certain environment that i snap into mode though. come to think of it, that's how i behave in every situation (that i have bad habits), it's totally an environmentally dependent thing. I guess that's why picking up and going elsewhere has long held a novelty to me, being someone else, having different behavior, stuff like that.

things are alright though. i will always have some stupid things in my life making me miserable, i will invent them if there's nothing there otherwise to give myself shit to stress about, the older i get i just realize that I am the type of guy who NEEDS stuff to get worked up about for no good reason (and as I type this I realize that I am definitely not the first person in my family to behave this way). I like to think that I am not dramatic about it, i may talk a bit about all this in here (hey it is my release, after all) but aside from the occasional binge-drinking episode i really tend to stay away from a lot of the shit in this world that is truly "bad for you," and particularly readily and easily available at all times - again, particularly in the crazy city in which I live. Perhaps just being on the fringe of all that insatiable, crazy endless energy is enough for me - to just dip in here and there and get a little on me, to wander through a little bit here and there, to teeter over the edge just barely a little knowing that I too could fall into that pit if i was a little more reckless. it's the old yin and yang story - the order and the chaos, you need to have a bit of one in the other no matter what, and the sooner you embrace that notion the sooner you can kind of get on with your life...

feeling a bit creatively driven lately, somehow.. not sure where i am being pulled, or what is exciting for me, but that energy is also kind of getting up some interest in my head as well. i recently evaluated a lot of the work i've done professionally, over the past year and change, and i feel like i have got myself to a decent spot and can generate some pretty good output that i am proud of. i'd really like to augment that somehow, just get a little more prolific and make some stuff to show off what i got - get away from the more destructive/time-wasting stuff i have been kinda mired in. I guess that shit is important too, since it sort of fuels my creativity (that is what the ANGST is for!!!) Ah, I love how life works..

i need to get a space, i'd love to have a little studio or something. i have a little "nook" at home but it's very hard to concentrate there, i can't really ever get ANY work done there unless it's an absolute necessity, and this irritates me to no end. I need some place to just put MY shit, to have my freedom, to chill out and make stuff and be free to concentrate and get into my rhythm. i'd love to just rent a studio space or something but i don't really wanna pony up a few hundy a month for that right now, however that could certainly become a necessity. my Dream, ideally, would be to get a little spot downtown, just move all my junk there, TV and games and stereo, be able to blast that
stuff any time when I feel like it, go there and just make a mess - make some models, some drawings, hell some sculpting, SOMETHING, I know it would be a great time. Hell even if I had a basement then it would be alright! Ah well. Things to work towards. Maybe someday I will finally work out some kinda half-decent payday, if i am a little bit lucky, and turn this pretty simple dream into a reality. A load more hard work is gonna have to get poured out before I can get there! You'd think a solid decade of working in an industry like this would have made that easier, but there's never any promises of anything...

Anyway it is inspiring for me to realize that I do have some goal to work towards, besides 'just make money so I can keep buying stuff and gasoline and keep working, or else'

toe knee hulk

10:30 pm, still at work but about to wrap up (it has been quite a long day!) - do you think I can make it home in time to bang it at cinespace? Nah, but i might wash my dishes and i think i will pass out after. Truth be told I would love to throw in a load of laundry, but i might not have enough stamina to wait for the cycles to go through. Still - geez, some clean underwear might be sort of nice? You know???

So after my recent political blog, the news has been pretty much declaring McCain/Palin the loser party this go-'round. All the poll projections show Obama Yo Mama with a ridiculously healthy lead. Granted it's not quite Super Tuesday for another week, but it looks like this thing has been decided in spite of my doomsaying. Well it feels a little weird, but let's hope things don't awkwardly fall apart at the last moment (which would be, well.... unbelievable, more so than anything seen before!) 270 electoral votes needed to win the election. Obama's projected with 355, McCains at 156. Mind you this is PROJECTED and it's a week early. To make matters more bizarre, Cloris Leachman's been voted off Dancing with the Stars. You got it!

my own, personal

mon-day ni-gh-t, 9pm, just wrapped up the day's work. I should buckle in and do a nice late night, but I haven't got the power to do that, especially since I am trying to make an effort to come into the office a little bit earlier these days...

things are alright, I guess there's not a lot to say over what's been said lately. I am kind of feeling like a hamster in a ball, lots of energy but no matter how much I expend it's only gonna kind-of propel me in some sort of general direction. I always consider myself as a focused sort of personality, but I think it's a disservice to myself to suppose that much (focused yes, but far from razor-sharp, then!) Well whatever, like anyone else I am just trying to do the best I can.

I feel like I am suppressing the more philosophical parts of my personality lately, like my deeper thought and consideration must just take a back-seat to being practical and productive, those are thoughts I don't like to admit (as it DOES run contrary to my personal philosophy) but with the way all things seem to go in my life, it seems like the only way to head towards some kind of solvent goal, and therein lies the notion of "focus." I think I have grown up in this day and age where freedom and personality are championed, but really as I get older I can see how that's just a myth really, if you try to act out and .. uh.. follow your natural rhythm in those regards (in their purer forms) then you're only going to end up broke and alone, possibly in jail. Well, in many parts of this country anyway (at least the ones I live in). As I write that, it fascinates me a little "if i am so drawn to that rough idea of freedom, why does my personality reject the idea of living under the radar, in a wayyyy more antisocial fashion?" I guess it's just not so simple an equation then. There's always a few more big factors to consider.

Maybe I feel limited enough from the outside world as it is, and then when I do subject myself to it, it can only be under extreme circumstances (i.e. if I am gonna go out ot a club, I need to be intoxicated). How silly an idea it seems to go out to a club and NOT be drunk, or conversely to participate in otherwise "sober activities" while otherwise mentally misaligned. I don't like thinking about this stuff, it makes me feel like I am just full of shit. It is interesting though, and something that's just not really approached in society, and it makes me feel like we are all no better than cavemen, still...

I am a little tied up, I want to bend my borders, I want to hop in my car and leave my office and pick a direction, let my mind wander, and just drive, drive until my Gas Tank is getting low, fill it up, and then drive some more, ignore the highway signs, don't care where I am going, don't care when I am coming back, or if I am coming back..

how does it go, tomato

And so Roctober arrives to a blustery finish, another weary month drizzled by with little fanfare, depressing the world with it's economically troubling events, and few (if any) half-decent movie releases to sew up past a crazy-blockbuster summer. But no one is complaining about any of that. America's codpiece is tuned towards the coming elections, about a week and change to go. And of course, everyone has an opinion on the topic - and so, I am no different.

I seldom touch on politics in my blog, for several reasons, but it's always coloring my life, my mind, and all who cross my path, to be sure. When it's as relevant as it is now, I feel somewhat compelled to spit out a couple of words here or there on the topic, and so then..

"Vote Ron! Wy don't you vote? Vote, vote, vote. or you can't complain when things aren't running the way you wish they were." To the contrary. I am tired of explaining this, but I will put it out there once again - I don't vote for much the same reasons I will never by a lottery ticket, it feels like a WASTE OF TIME. If I wanna make a difference in an election, then I must do something to raise my visibility and develop my voice or something like that. Otherwise, punching a confusing card (in a state which always votes Democratic, anyway) feels somewhat pointless. But the larger issue, is the fact that it just goes against my philosophy - bearing witness to the past two elections, it has pretty much been proven to me how things work, and how much of a BS job the whole electoral process is. It just does what it wants. It makes us feel like "we have a voice, we have control" of this fiasco to some degree but honestly, it's so far out of our hands it's just not even funny. Is this a bad thing? Ummm.. well.. is it even relevant? Sure I would say "I WISH things were different and "good would prevail over evil" but at the same time, to be a superpower, to run the world "for the betterment of mankind" in the way that we do, things just sort of follow the way that they do in sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy. This is not to say that massive foreign policy arguments wouldn't be different under a democrat-controlled white house - but at this point, with all the groundwork laid down by the GOP, there's nowhere to go but up, anyway. This war we are in, whatever state you'd like to call it now, isn't going to peter out no matter who is in charge... It's not a faucet that can be turned on and off.

I will give the Dems this much, though, they may be wussier and less shrewd than the Republicans, but at least to some degree they seem a littttttle less evil. Ah well. We will see. This is all pointless anyway, because as I have maintained all along McCAIN WILL WIN THE 2008 ELECTION. That's right, look at history, look at what's happened in the past as the prior Electoral Eves drew closer, how tight those races were, and here we are again, same old business. I think we all easily forget about what John Kerry pointed out last time, "The Two Americas" - you have us, the creative dudes, the hard workers, the intellectuals, the businessmen, the trendy hipsters, etc etc. And then you have THEM. The rednecks. The old-fashioned people with much worse grammar. The people who fear Jesus, Aliens, Terrorists, all with the same ferocity. I would still say those guys have us beat like 4 to 1 easy, at least. And these aren't the folks who go out to rallies, they don't "put out the vote," they sit at home with their curtains drawn and their shotguns loaded and their grits cookin'. They mind their own, but they fear everything, and they've been taught that, they've had it beaten into them, and they beat it into their own kids likewise, and it festers, it perpetuates. The Star Wars generation can't really touch it...

And these people aren't "bad." They are just people. They are our brothers and sisters, they watch the same movies an TV that we do, but it's all viewed through a slightly different prism - one that would never ever want to vote a black man into office, I will say that. On top of being black his name is "Barack Obama." Tell me that's not the one-two punch. Yes, America professes how badly it wants change, and it knows it needs it, look at the sorry state of affairs we've got ourselves into now. But it's not going to come that dramatically, not with all the hatred and confusion and Mickey-Mouse constitution we've still got, it's our foundation, it's our backbone, and in this way it is sort of our shame. America is the great big Melting Pot, but it's being tended by a fat old white guy with a straw hat, cowboy boots and the thickest southern drawl you ever did hear.

In spite of all I say, some part of me thinks that the Republicans put McCain out there to dry. Like they send him over ("is this REALLY the best we can do?") And some crazy person decides to strap a handgrenade named Sarah Palin to his chest and pull the pin. That was some craziness if I ever did see any. All they had to do was play it straight, get some good-looking large-chinned rich goofball in there as a subordinate, some no-name, it would have been boring but it would have been safe and, dare I say, pret-ty smooth. But no, somehow they decided to embrace this whole "America needs Change" attitude as well and wanted to pick up the Lesbo Vote which Hillary left in the lurch. Well this was not the way to do it, that's for sure. Anyway, that's what's frazzled my radar. Are the Pubs trying to throw the fight? Are they leaving us in this big stinking mess with the war fallout and the economy in cinders and trying to wash their hands of the affair, "let the dems clean it up!" It wouldn't be easy for anyone to take that mess and make sense of any of it, and by the time the next election rolls around the Pubs'll be sitting mighty pretty like the old father figure "it is okay son, we can handle it from here, you gave it your best shot." I don't know, something about that feels a little believable to me. As for all their investors, constituents, etc., they have enough firewood to keep warm during the long winter, and this will just weed out the wannabee's. I don't know. Something is up.

Anyway I stick to my guns. McCain's got this one locked in spite of all the weirdness. I would prefer to see Mr. Obama taking charge in his stead. I guess we can all just watch and wait - nailbiting.

the blankets were the stairs

apologies to that band.

Friday night, 1 week prior to Halloween, a time of the year that is very scary to me for reasons other than the usual (it's the Bermuda Triangle to me! Typically when I get dumped, fired, etc - while everyone else is out carving pumpkins and dressing like freaks, I just wanna stay at home and bury myself beneath my bedsheets for like.. TWO WEEKS, my eyes peering out, waiting for the blackest clouds of fate to pass me by so I can just get on with business as usual). Oh okay it's not ALWAYS horrible, but the human brain sure loooVVvvvVVes it's patterns. So, y'know.

Late, 2:30am, doing laundry, though it's almost done and then I'm to sleep shortly. Quite tired these days, things have taken a toll on me, I am out of shape, my nerves are quite frayed, the usual whining, etc etc. I feel like an awful pill of a person to be around lately, I don't know how/why my girlfriend puts up with it, hopefully for her sake she is a bit oblivious or something 'cause I feel like a major drag these days! Still, I tease her that "she's always happy and in a good mood" and I know that I appreciate that of her, it just makes things easier sometimes when I am feeling like I just wanna napalm all the fools on the freeway...

I have weird thoughts in my head, a lot of the same garbage/flotsam and jetsam that tends tt like to resurface ad nauseum, I wonder if I will ever be free of it (probably not, I guess I am not "me" if it is not there). Once in awhile, maybe more often that not I have this shitty urge of wishing I could just press a button and replace so many things in my life (particularly myself) - though I don't really know what that accomplish, after the novelty of "new everything" then I would probably just sink back to the same way I feel anyway, only set back some paces. Maybe that ain't a good way to feel about it. I think I am just looking for some direction, some belonging, something. I have all my shit all figured out (as much as it is gonna be) and maybe that bothers me too in another way. Maybe the bottom line is that despite my age, a part of me is frozen in this permanent-immature state, waiting for that next event which woulda happened long ago anyway if some things in my life had been different. Not sure if that's a good thing, a bad thing, or totally irrelevant, it's just a feeling, maybe I am just inventing crap.

Ah, seasonal affective disorder, where are you when I need you...? On that note, I am sick sick sick (not really so dramatically so, I just view the trend as pathetic/lame) how quick we as a society are to label everything with complicated-sounding names that brand them as "debilitating conditions," things that we have no control over," limiting factors that prevent like 99 percent of us from ever wanting to aspire to be more than some half-assed schmuck who's not good for very much at all. Who are we trying to make feel better, the old and infirmed? Come on, sickness and dying is a part of life! But more so, mediocrity is as well, in fact it's something of a saving grace - limiting factors are what truly define anybody as an individual. It's what draws us together, puts the humanity into us, and still we feel so shamed for it, somehow even when it's something ("talent") that we should not feel the least bit shamed for. It's not to terribly bad now, still kind of at a comical stage, but I can see where it's going and it sure ain't good. Again, my catch-all "this is part of our design" rings in my ear and so I can't just outright lambast it, people hate their humanity sadly, and this is an expression of that, and like all things in this world that too will grow and evolve however it will. Some will take advantage of it (ad agencies, pharmaceuticals, gov't) and others will know better, ad if not that then something else anyway, just like as usual. Okay I am pretty sleepy now.

my understanding has pretty much ground to a halt

greetings, those of you who read my blog, all fifteen thousand of you. How are you guys doing, I mean I really want to know! Jennifer, have you had that mole on your tucous looked at yet? And Bill, did you resolve that squabble you had with your neighbor yet (you know, after his god bit your wife and all). To be fair, she shouldn't really have been snooping through their yard anyway, I mean honestly, it's kinda not-cool to be going through you neighbor's trash and stuff looking for.. oh, I don't know.

It's a chilly night here in Los Angeles, as I sit here at my desk in my bathroom with the heater just-turned on, sipping a coke (it's filling and I've not really got any food here). The weekend was alright, busy times as usual in my life - let's see, last week my parents were in town (1st time in 4 years) so there was a lot of running around as I wanted to make sure they had a memorable trip. We rented a car and blasted all over town. this past weekend, I was hoping to just relax ad sit on my ass and not do too much at all, as it turns out it was still rather busy anyway - though I did get a little reprieve on Sunday. I sat my ass down on the couch to watch the final sox game this evening, unfortunately they got their hides tanned by the Mental Rays from tampa bay. I am sort of glad that I don't watch professional sports very much, though it is nice to be distracted I can see my personality just getting stressed/tense from too much getting-caught-up in that kinda stuff.

A few of us went out last night, it was a full night all around - dinner at Geisha House, drinking and dancing at Beauty Bar, and then back here to my pad for Pizza and Rock Band. I guess these are the Golden Days I'll look back at someday when I am old "for real." And of course today dragged my butt over to Los Feliz to meet some friends for a very tasty lunch. Life here isn't bad, I suppose...

Anyway, on to the complaining part of the email. I do feel tired, and I feel like my life is kind of at a standstill right this moment. It seems like some forward momentum I have been cruising with has kinda ground steadily to a halt, it's not there yet but it's pretty decided. I am not saying that's altogether bad, this halt is sort of representative of that Stability which I am always fearful of, but my personality is as such that I need to constantly be in the middle of some great flux where everything is threatening to break all-hell-loose if something super-crazy doesn't get pulled off at the last minute. It's this feeling, as usual. which puts my mind into evaluatory-mode and makes me think "hmm what should I do, quit job/move somewhere else/etc" and of course my reaction to that is that I must keep a steady course; if there's not a huge pit of trouble all ready to drop on my business, then don't ask for it. Still, there's a good few circumstances in my life which do kin of wind up that way, (hey - always, to some extent, right?) though by now I feel more than capable to be able to tackle any last-minute escape plans which would have to be hatched, if need be. So, I am not looking forward to that so much - but it's good to be secure in my own confidence of "I know what I am doing."

Still - I don't know really what I WANT. I think I sort of have already achieved many of the goals I have set for myself, certainly a few bigger ones are a ways-off from being realized but a lot of the middling stuff is pretty ordered at this point. Someone sort of pointed this out to me recently, and I took it somewhat offensively (a little, I suppose) "What!! how DARE you accuse me of having my shit all figured out - clearly you do not know me, sir or madame!" Well, I suppose it is all relative, then. Anyway I look around my apartment, and a lot of the clutter has been minimized, so I guess it's a little symbolic of my mental space being a little tidier than it'd been. I guess I kind of feel like a bit of a weight has been lifted in my life work-wise, as well, and as sad as that may sound, it's absence kind of leaves me feeling a little less chaotic in the rest of my dealing with the world....

Anyway, I guess at this point i will just keep working hard and trying to keep that stuff all going as best as possible. At some point i really WILL get out of debt (one should hope) and then maybe I will shovel out for a new TV or some crap like that (not something I ever seriously consider, but it's fun to pretend like I am concerned about it, in a strange way). Sigh, sleepy. I've had much deeper things I wanted to get over in here, but instead I think I will just phase off into the ether.

rome is burning!!

You know, a friend of mine supposedly forecasted that "the world is gonna end Tuesday." Well, Tuesday has officially come and gone and the world is still here, but y'know, it is taking something of a beating right now. It's a weird feeling, this feeling of disarray - no one is quite sure what to make of it, how this has all happened, and quite what to do about it - nor what manner of times lie ahead. We kind of follow forward with quiet trepidation, the doomsayers among us clamoring the loudest, those with our delicate balance to protect just toeing the line, waiting for the other shoe to drop, but not so expectantly that we've battened down the hatches and locked up for the long winter, quiet yet.

The media has a nasty little habit of trying to drum up panic, but I see that as more reflective of human nature, really. Still, these are some unprecedented times we live in, with layers upon layers upon layers of - well, no one knows what's on the top and what's on the bottom anymore. Sometimes it feels like society is a very carefully-constructed house of cards. All these rules in place, intertwining and slipping and sliding all around one another, like some Eastern Traffic Pattern - but all it takes is for one sizeable-enough monkey wrench to full in place and gum up the works, and then it just all falls to shit.

Anyway, the natural order is kind of building up and breaking down, and the point of culture/society is to do that pretty much incrementally - not stop/start/stop/start with the slow determinedness of nature, but rather advance, then spread, then advance from more fronts, then spread some more. It's quite interesting really. Sure there'll be some time when that finds some weakness exposed as well I suppose, but it's hard to measure as compared to the regular patterns we see in nature, or at least that is what we like to tell ourselves. The ante just gets raised..

Anyway as I was saying, who knows what's to come. So the money will be all gone? Jobs disappear? People get hungry, lose their homes, submit to desperation - rioting, crime, strife? Never mind the problems on the world stage (they've been expressing themselves here and there to certain degrees) we have a big question mark about to slam into the Homeland of Tomorrow? The rest of the world is already definitely reeling from all this Stock Market BS.

Anyway, things continue with their momentum, all things, good and bad. Life goes on, as it doesn't know how to do anything else. We just take it a day at a time, and hope that those who we've placed in charge are smart enough to steer the course..