DATELINE:XI'AN - The Guts of China

Sigh, another day gone by, in this weird so-called vacation of mine. I must note, for those wondering, I passed the International Date Line when arriving here, obviously, so usually as I am typing these things it's past midnight where I am at, while many of those who read it are just getting started with the previous day. Weird, right? It's just past midnight, Thursday morning, here in Xi'an, China - back in Los Angeles, it's Wednesday morning, 9am. Boston is a little easier since it is an even 12 hr difference (so, 12 noon wednesday there). Anyway, you get the point.

So to get right into it - last night I was hoping to get out and party, but that didn't end up happening (once again) for various reasons, mainly I will chalk it up to the fates conspiring against me. Still, May and I did escape from our tour group in order to meet up with a local friend of hers, in Beijing - she brought us to a really tasty hot-pot spot (shabu shabu of the non-japanese variety). Yes, best meal we've had this entire trip, easily..

Today (Wednesday), we hopped up out of bed, packed all of our crap, and met the group in the lobby, as it was time to depart the capital city of Beijing and head to the next stop on the tour, Xi'an (a former capital of China). We bussed out to the aiport, only to find out that may + my tickets weren't available along with the entire rest of the group (one of the guides' tix was missing as well). We had to bus over to a different terminal (which must have been, honestly, a good ten miles away - not kidding!) We got in, hurrying to catch our flight on time, they scan our luggage and SHIT there's a problem. May bought Zippo lighters (real popular over here) back home and brought as gifts for some friends, well I guess those don't mesh with procedure so they started going through our bags and trying to throw the lighters out. She was pissed, as they were worth like $80 altogether, and convinced them to let her ship them at the airport's post office. So we rush over there (clock is ticking!) and they had just finished washing the goddamned floor of this little tiny hovel of a post office.. " you have to wait for the floor to try before you may enter!" They were being dicks, arguing with us and the security guy. Anyway they won and we waited, dropped in the mail, ran to get on the plane, bingo all set. Short flight (2.5 hrs or so, if that) and when we got there, found out that the plane the rest of the group on got delayed anyway so we hadda wait another hour for them to show up.

We finally met up and trucked through Xi'an for some sightseeing. very, very different place than Beijing. The latter being a building-up Industrial, modernized city, Xi'an feels like a bit of a dustbin by comparison. It just feels like someone decided to plunk a huge endless city into the middle of a heaving-dry desert - even at nighttime, it's disgustingly swealtering. I imagine the local folks are quite hardy for living here. The visuals were amazing, kind of unlike any environment I have ever been in - I must have snapped hundreds of photos. The buildings were lovingly detailed with pipes, Tubes, AC ducts, and exposed wiring the likes of which you'd see in a late 70s cyberpunk flick. Horrible and gorgeous at the same time. It's all doused fairly evenly with a laer of poverty, no doubt aided by the climate, so it's fair to say there's a very particular mood exuding from this place not quite like one I have noticed elsewhere. At the same time, in some ways, very familiar. Sort of like a more urbanized, non-mexican van nuys in certain ways.

We got dinner at a Dumpling Specialty place - nothing wonderful, but certainly better than the past several meals they've fed us! After that was a traditional dance show, which was impressive, but overlong. It tuckered everyone out, all were back to the hotel and in bed by 10pm, wild huh? The thing is, we pack so much into these days that I think people's batteries are just being superdrained..

As for me, I was determined to go out and sample some of the local flavor. As I've no accomplices to accompany me at the moment, I had decided to go out my lonesome - which is good for some reasons, bad for others.. but regardless I shoe'd up my already-exhausted dogs and hit the pavement. A bellman pointed me in the direction of bars, though 15 minutes looking that way yielded nothin', so I just kept wandering. I didn't wanna just call a cab and say "take me to a club!" for a number of reasons - I was by myself, what if they took me somewhere super-far away and it got expensive, or to some place filled with boring-ass tourists (tourist trap), or the other kind of tourist trap where you could get ripped off, mugged, etc (yeah, this sorta seems sketchy enough to be that kind of a city). Anyway I wandered aimlessly, past 11pm on a Wednesday night. The streets were pretty active, considering, between cars and peds.. lots of people hanging out on the side of the road, on their motorscooter things or just chilling on stoops, or wandering with their girls to or from wherever. a few stores open here and there but nothing enticing looking. I wandered for awhile, still nothing, eventually i ducked down some really narrow alley that looked like it was brimming with activity. it was sketchier than the main drag but at least it looked like there would be something interesting going on (if anything, maybe there'd be some bars down here!) Just more of the same, lots of people in little clusters, hanging out.. tiny rooms that looked kinda like barber shops, filled with people jawbonin' and smoking (the rooms just looked like thick clouds). People were grilling up all sorts of stuff on either side, tony dens of people playing mahjhongg, chess, stuff like that. It kept going, i kept walking, but it was getting late and nothing was looking like it would be welcoming to a white dude who spoke only english, so I started heading back.

it felt awfully weird, obviously they didn't get many white folks down this way, i really felt out of place. Sort of like a ghost drifting unnoticed thru the middle of the street, something for people to avoid and try to ignore, as it was breaking up their rhythm, their regularity. it felt both cool (to interrupt and disturb it) and awkward (to not know where to go or where to belong) at the same time. I am a city guy, a night guy, so wherever I am I will gravitate to an area like this, the off-the-beat area where the regular tourists wouldn't wanna be, at crazy hours of the night when stuff is dead and people are crazy (I guess they don't wanna be there for a good reason..!)

It is hot here, hotter than Beijing. Even in the dead of night it was uncomfortably hot - today should be worse. This place isn't bad, it's very interesting and unique but I look forward to getting somewhere that I can relax more, shortly.

DATELINE:BEIJING (day two)

oh okay, i got to write this one fast, as time is tight. we just got home from dinner and will be out for a night on the town, shortly.

So, today we rose and hopped on the our bus. They carted us out to a "jade factory," where they fashion jade into all manner of ornamentation and jewelry. It was very, very gaudy.. anyway they brought busloads of people into this giant factory/store, like... well, busloads of tourists (white people!) There were American high school trips coming here and stuff. Who do they think is gonna buy this stuff? It was packed with people from a good 10 different groups, maybe.. anyway we kind of avoided the sales folks and talked amongst ourselves. Then we piled back into the bus and headed over to check out the great wall.

Leaving the business section of Beijing was a trip - unless you've been under a rock in the past year, you are aware that Beijing will be hosting the Olympics here next month, and it's quite a big deal (1st time in China!!!) We drove by the main Olympic drag. I have never been by such a thing before, it is OH MY GOD huge. The main starting area (the "nest"), the Water Cube, a whole bunch of other areas - as we drove by, seeing these surreal building designs, coupled with the fact that they were so ginormous that they felt hard to comprehend in scale. Very bizarre, very interesting though!

The Great Wall was also interesting. I didn't know what to expect really - I knew it would be a spectacle of some sort. People always talked of "climbing the Great Wall," I wasn't sure what that would entail. Upon seeing it with my own eyes, I realized what they meant - HUGE STAIRS THAT ASCEND STRAIGHT UP INTO SPACE, and quite steeply, and forever. It was a daunting sight, just this huge steep hill that crawls endlessly upwards, peppered with all manner of people, and intermittent towers with little shops speckled along the way up. Screw it, I thought to try my best and just headed up at it with the best of them. Starting out, steep immediately, some steps were up to my kneecaps (and there's all manner of exhausted-looking people coming down towards you from all sides). I spent a good half hour or so just trudging up - it WAS exhausting - but determined to go the distance. I reached what seemed to be a pretty high point, rounded a corner, and then BAM another shop and another endless series of stairs winding further upwards. It was noon, and our bus was due to leave in 30min, so sadly I turned around and began to return. Next time!

Afterwards we went to another shop (....), A cloissone factory/restuarant. They had people making vases with very intricate patterns on them. There were miserable looking people painting detailed birds/flowers/crap on the sides of these things after they'd finished firing in a kiln. It seemed like a much lower-paying version of my job... Anyway we ate some subpar chinese food afterwards, this place was completely ful of tourists also, then back to the bus. We then headed far out for a plaee called the Summer Palace, where the Empress lived. Another packed public area, hemorraging with tourists and locals. It was cool though, very picturesque. I shot a lot of photos there, after all! The highlight of this place was a long, decorative corrider, with all sorts of Chinese Historical stories/fairy tales/etc depicted along its walls. The thing stretched a good half mile (yes, it was pretty long!) We ended the day with a short boat ride on a Dragon Boat, then back to our bus.

But not done, then we stopped by ANOTHER factory/restaurant - yes, this was three in one day!! Pearl factory, where they make necklaces and jewelry. They harangued us for a little while, then brought us upstairs to eat more (you guessed it) subpar chinese food. Ah well, nothing offensive, it's just getting to be enough already! Joked with our fellow group members as we ate, then bac to the hotel to call it a day. As I type this, May and I are getting ready to go out for a night on the town with her friend (one of her "fans") who is a local and can show us some of the good sights. In spite of all the pushing, Beijing seems like a very interesting place, very strange, I can see having a few good times here - I am psyched to go out for a wild night!

In spite of my tone, the trip is fun, I am getting some exercise, haven't got sick yet (yay!) and seeing some interesting things (and getting a TON of photo reference, as usual). Having fun with my girlfriend. The trip business bothers me, of course, but at least it exposes us to some cool things we'd not otherwise be privy to, so I can't bitch too much (yet).

Tomorrow we depart from Beijing, hop on a flight to the next area, Xi'an - a city I know nothing about. Stay tuned!

DATELINE: BEIJING (beginning a journal of our trip to China)

okayyyy, so myspace blog is being a fiasco to load, so i must type in the blogger site instead - so, yeah! Here's the quick rundown of the beginning of our trip to China.

Friday, regular day of work - I wanted to finish up the section I was working on, since I would be gone for a couple of weeks (...) I left the office at 2am that night, then came home to clean up my apartment and get ready and all of that. Since our flight was gonna be a long one, May and I decided to just stay up all night so we could sleep on the plane. Long story short, we were both pretty exhausted all night (especially me!), got out the door at a reasonable time and boarded the plane for our flight @1:30 saturday afternoon. The flight was longer than any I'd been on before - about 15 hours to get to Shanghai, then chill at that airport for a couple of hours, then get our connecting flight to our final stop at Beijing (another 2-3 hrs). So, yeah, it was a long mother of a day! I guess I slept about half of the travel time, I didn't wanna knock out for the full trip since we had to get to bed as soon as we reached our hotel anyway (it was past 2am) - and we had to get up today, Monday, for our first day of the tour.

So that's what went down. We got up, met the tour group in the lobby, loaded up the bus and headed over to the Forbidden City for a couple of hours. Very interesting! This is basically where the Emperors of past dynasties would live, and keep all of his thousands of concubines, and address his people and so forth. As the morning wore on, so did the dry humidity, and there was tons of walking and picture taking to do. After some hours of that, we blasted across the street to Tianman Square, walked around a bit more, then headed over to a slightly beat-up looking part of town to get a ride on the rickshaw bikes (some old guy rides a bike with a two-seater attached behind it). We were all lined up in a row, it was pretty crazy. We checked out this old-fashioned style of Chinese apartment, Hadouen or something - basically four separate apartments jammed into one another surrounding a courtyard.

Then it was off to eat lunch at the de riguer Chinese restaurant. Food was tasty, reminded me very much of the Empress Pavilions back home, very much so. Getting to know our tourmates a little bit, devouring tons of food, yadda yadda. As we eat, it poured outside, so we went to get a foot massage (of all things!) afterwards. That was odd, to say the least! In my head it sounded good, some hot asian chick lotioning up my foot and ladeling attention all over it, yeah I could think of worse ways to spend my vacation time. Well, this turned out not to be exactly what the tour had planened. Instead we all got led into this room, and this business woman starts to lecture us about reflexology and how all the major organs have nerve connections ending in the foot, and likewise in the hands, and how eastern medicine prefers to go this route as opposed to the chemicals like the west uses. Then all these people (mostly dudes) come into our room with big wooden waterbasins, boiling water with some herbal mixture in there, and we soak our feet as she lectures... then the dudes massage our feet for the next 45 min or so while they bring in a bunch of official-looking professors and other people to read our palms and look at our tongues and tell us about all of te things that are wrong with us (bad hormones, bad liver, bad spleen, don't work too much, etc etc). Basically trying to get us to buy hundreds of dollars of funky herbal medicines. Yeah, it was weird! Just a big sales pitch for some useless bullshit that no one needs, but then, that's what these types of meetings are known for. Trying to scare you into buying stuff! I was not psyched to have the poor guy working on my feet for that long, if the massage was good I guess I wouldn't complain about it, haha. Whatever, we left a little rudely (didn't buy anything) just thanked them and split.

After tha, the day was getting on but we still had another major area to hit - The Temple of Heaven (there's lots of places with names like that in Beijing). Basically the place where the Emperor would go to have his audience with god -- This place was basically a national park, smack in the middle of a built-up section of the city. So it was pretty crazy to shift from all the packed industry into sort of wooded forest area so suddenly. Anyway walking inside, there's a bunch of little cabin-like areas (sort of) setup with tons of old people playing cards, very excitedly. Then there's little groups of old people playing hackey-sack - their hackey-sacks are different than the American Beanbag style, theirs are just little pointy things with a bunch of colorful feathers sticking out. Further still we heard some weird operatic singing, I thought it was being piped over a PA but it was actually little groups of people practicing their wailing (again, older people). Yeah, very very weird! On top of all of this, the place smelled sort of like what you'd picture the Midway on Ooney Island would smell like, sans the fish or beach (kinda stale popcorn-y smell). We got past all of this to the actual Temple area itself, which just seemed old and outdated - but it was pretty weird, also as the skies were dark and menacing with booming thunder. It felt ominous and strange, and everyone was eager to get outta there before the next downpour came.

Next up we hit a little Peking Duck place for dinner - supposedly this dish is all the rage in Beijing. Well, the food was alright, they stuck us in these little claustrophobic rooms in the basement of this very tourist-catering restaurant (at this point in the tour, I am starting to become quite wary of the scheme!) The food was passable, I have had much better Roast Duck at Sam Woo BBQ in Van Nuys. Mostly, no one was that hungry for this enormous meal as we'd just had a rather filling lunch merely a few hours ago. As we wrapped up and left, dozens of other (obvious) tourists filed into the same place.

No! The day was STILL NOT OVER! After all of that, we bussed over to "The Red Theater" to see a Kung-Fu show. Again, this place was filled with 90 percent Whitey - most of them older, at that. The show was alright, it was a live stage show, a bunch of guys performing crazy ninja posturing and acrobatics. It sounds cooler than it was, though it did have its impressive moments. Basically by this point in the day I was very drained and tired of doing touristy things and wanted to get the heck out of there. And after that, we headed home.

I was planning to go and explore the city a bit tonight, find some random club to go be a little wild in - but the night got late kinda fast, and obviously it has been a LONG day following another few long, long, LONG days, so I guess I am chilling for a night to try and get a little better synched to the local schedule, I gota try and keep my stamina up you know? Tomorrow night one of May's local friends will take us around, so I can get my fill then..

Anyway China is very cool! There is so much to see here. Visiting a different culture is always weird and fun. I am still kind of shocked to be so-suddenly thrust into it, but what the hey. More good times to come, then...

Tomorrow is (ulp!) the Great Wall..

shea stadim's the radium

okay so i don't feel like blogging right now. life is too damned busy and stressful. Instead i will steal the blog of a fourteen-year-old boy. What a mean jerk i am, right!
--------------------------------------

May 27, 2008
05/27/2008

We got our yearbooks in school today.

Some kids were teasing me cause there's this girl I look [look? like? look like? where the hell is the quality control in this kid's blog? how the hell is anybody supposed to know what the devil he is talking about? so careless.- R].

I can't wait for school to get out.

Summer is only four days away.

I started swim team today and I'm the only 14 year old guy on the team.

Music I'm listening to: Summer of 69, American Pie.




May 23, 2008
05/23/2008

Today I was off school and I went and saw the new Indiana Jones. I thought it was Ok but they should have done something other than aliens. Shia LeBeuf did a good job and so did Kate Blanchet but Harrison Ford is getting to old. The computer graphics ruined it to. The old movies were more special because they had limited special effects.

GTG

Peter

i have traveled from the future, to unburden your mind

blogsketeers, how goes it. another late, lonely night for yours truly. as usual, all my bloggsses go neglected of late, with good reasons (i suppose) and i have found myself in possession of a few brief moments, with which I shall enlighten. Truth to be told, i should likely sped the time doing something more productive, but my rags are feeling pretty ragged, if you understand my drift.

Things are alright - life, she is plodding along as per usual. I am tremendously busy - well, to say that feels like an understatement, but you know. I am honestly as busy as I have ever been, work is dominating my mind and life and thoughts, there's certainly good things about that in some ways but it's also bad - really, as usual I am appreciative of my job but by jove, I want my life back a little more! I feel like I am sinking deeper and deeper into it, working around the clock with only that stuff on my mind "production - production - production" yields some -- err -- interesting results, of course, but you do forget how to be a human after particularly long sessions of it. As usual, I will wrap it up saying "my choice, this industry" and of course it's still worth the payoff, I love what I do (still.. for real!) but hey, I am ground down.

I have put a lot of other things on the shelf, pretty much across the board. Extracurricular activities, exercise, even HELL partying mostly - though true to form I will dip in and out of that as my rhythm dictates, and though I say I may not have too much of a choice in that matter, I have definitely shredded it down to a shadow of what that used to be (again, probably a good thing, and it's been so long since it was any kind of a regular thing in my life, that it almost feels very foreign to me.. almost!) Still, I manage to do some base things to keep in check (get some kind of sleep, get fed, keep my apartment from turning into a pig stye, spend some quality time with my significant other here and there..) Of course I try to drop in on my friends when I can..

The summer is upon us, in about a month really. As usual, I will slip into cliche and say "time is really flyin' Ma!" and it sure is, and as usual (also) it does bother me.. I get grief from some people "you always complain about that!" But you know, I do feel like it's a valid arguement - in many ways, I feel like I am questioning a lot lately, he values that have been instilled into me, the ideals I hold - the point of this life I have been leading. I am really feeling like work is something of a big waste of time, a lot of running around in circles, throwing the dice in some ways. I spend more and more time paying attention to the little details, maybe that's what's getting me thinking this way - that's a big feature of my personality though, I am a pretty detail-oriented guy in a lot of ways, like it or not I live my life through that prism. I pay attention to the details of where I am in my career, what i have got/stand to get from it, how that all adds up - I always say "well, I can't quit now, I don't know what else to do" and leaving wold be a different kind of pointlessness. I think once I get on some kind of a better streak, get some more leverage in my corner, my confidence will be up and I will feel more like the things I spend time on/decisions I sweat over will actually matter more. Patience, patience is a bitch, right?

The world is all crazy these days. It's always something. The pre-election stuff is quite goofy to watch. Four years ago I had some choice words to say. Now I just feel like it's the Ultimate Reality Show, this whole carnival. Oh well, at least it's not completely stodgy. It's becoming more and more like a sport though (that, or the Reality TV thing, choose your own metaphor). Also all this stuff with Cyclones and Earthquakes - it's permeating the news, but as we are in America, it kind of takes a back seat to things like Iron Man and LV bags, sadly. Or unsadly? Are we better off not dwelling on the macabre - so long as we are not ignoring it? I say, this could be a whole different avenue of philosophy (which I have considered before) which is sort of a self-defense mechanism.. anyway when tragedies happen in this country, I am sure we'll be more sullen about everything, at least for a little while. I am sure it's somewhat the same all over the map, to degrees, really.

Getting back to my work, I want to say that I am pretty proud of the fact that, in spie of my burned-out-state, I still seem to pump it out rather regularly. I am happy with what I produce, I can look at what I have made and feel like I didn't just shoot it out half-assedly. Sure, there's gonna be careless moments here and there, but after all these years (not to many, admittedly) I still take a fair amount of pride in what I do and spread the love in my work. Yeah, that's detrimental in some ways, too..

Half of 2008 still lies ahead. Nothing is really perking up this year for me. I have a couple things, work and personal-life-wise, that are of note - I'll likely move to a different project at some point, I will likely get out of debt shortly, my girlfriend will be out of school VERY shortly, stuff like that - but otherwise, in the grand scheme, there's nothing intimidating, on the positive or negative, on the horizon. No vacations, no big plans, no wild and crazy trips. Just back to back working and waiting for things to even out. Yeah, there'll be some good times in there to keep me smiling.. there's liable to be some pain-in-the-ass bullshit to keep me whinin' --- so life goes. I feel like it's coasting a little now.. well, for the time being.

Oh yeah hey! I got a speeding ticket last night, it's been almost a year and a half since the last one. 80MPH on the freeway at freakin' FOUR in the morning. 55 MPH limit (yeah, no one drives <70) I was so close.. That'll set me back a good two bills. Whatever, we all get nailed for that garbage sometime.

write away

jeez, feels like ages since i have visited the ol' blogosphere. Honestly, must be at least two weeks since i have put anything of any relative worth in here, but I would say it feels like it may as well have been at least 6 months (and that's feeling extremely generous). I have to mention it gets harder to write in this thing, knowing that people actually read it - and the whole reason I write anything in a public place is to prevent myself from sort of going off the deep end with a journal (by virtue of me having this thing, this long, it would only be a matter of time!) Anyway I have certainly felt the urge to put a lot of words down lately. but for numerous reasons I have kept mum. The troubling thing is, I feel like that's my overall problem about communicating in my life in general.

In spite of that tone, things in my life are generally okay. I am always going to be haunted by whatever the hell it is that's always around me, and anybody else could always say (or feel) the same, I am sure. We all have thos things in life, our crosses to bear, the consequences of our decisions, and we make do with what we've got. In the end it's all really our own machinations which have produced whatever is going on in one's adult life, and our regular rhythmic process is just how we deal with that, whatever it means to anyone (whether it's a happy thing, or not). I guess that's how it goes in life, sometimes when you are dealing with the things in your life it's a battle, sometimes it's a cakewalk, and for different people they could be the exact same things. I am starting to sound like one of those cheesy metal songs that prides itself on fulfilling lyrics about how everything is a paradox al the time, so i will just cool it now.

Work is alright, I can feel it wearing me down lately. So funny, when I don't have a job then the one thing I want more than ANYTHING ELSE just a freakin' job, I want it so bad i can taste it. Then when I have that one thing, I clutch onto it for all I am worth, I wrap my life/personality completely around it to the point that I don't quite know where I start or end, and then I just start getting contemptuous of the whole rotten thing. I am not totally sure how that happens, if it is a circumstantial thing or more like "just another facet of getting old." I have mentioned so many times how the older I get, the longer I work, the more it just gets really tired, but to be honest I talk to everyone else who does work like I do and I feel like nearly everybody is just so damned tired of it as well. The weird part is that all that said, I still find the weird OCD-specific part of my personality that loooOOoOOooves to get wrapped up in the particular supertechnical/abstract minutiae of what I do for a living, and rather than just putting down markers on a freeway I feel like some weird heavy frog frantically hopping onto increasingly more awkward lily pads that are so close to sinking (that one was for my own benefit, pardon the weird imagery).

So back to the paradox then...

Anyway, work has always been a battle, it will continue to be that way, and the way I look at my relative "elders" for this specific gig, it's always just coming and going that way pretty perpetually. It's funny. A bonafide blueprint for having a nervous breakdown? Would I ever be capable of doing anything else anyway? Aren't we all in some crazy big race? It could be worse, I could be working in the Japanese version of the industry.

Other than work, I feel like a lot of my life has kinda shriveled up lately. I live in this weird wonderful place, endlessly interesting and happily expressing all these opportunities for good times, to the point where even traveling anywhere else in the world almost seems (a bit) redundant.. almost.. but in spite of my being firmly planted smack- in the middle of it, I feel like i have tread such a well worn path of an incredibly defined space. I feel like i have memorized all the little nuts and bolts of every tiny little aspect of the area in which I traverse, to the point where I just wind myself up and go through all the motions as the time goes by. Fortunately, there's a failsafe in there somewhere that yanks me out and occasionally throws me into some weird madness here and there, just to keep it interesting, but it really feels like a decidedly double-sided coin now. To the point where even the aberrations feel almost as well planned and forethought.

All these things I go on about make me think about my (no-so-recent) flirting with picking it all up and starting over, and the over-under on that is that somehow that might not have been the great savior I was hoping it might be. Getting back to where (and when, and how) I live now, all the tools I need are pretty damned well spelled-out in front of me, and have been for awhile.

I think one of the reasons I am losing my mind is the fact that I sit in a desk making videogames all day long. Especially considering the nonsensical nature of that, compared to the "real" things that happen in the world (and are quite newsworthy) pretty regularly. The thing that makes me nuts is that so much of our society is steadily drowning in that very ridiculousness, just worshipping all this pointless bullshit that does not seem to matter. Attaching all this importance to things that are terribly irrelevant (I am staring straight at all the pop culture BS right now). And the great part of it all, is that by paying so much attention (and capital) to this unimportance, it actually DOES become important, it becomes the MOST important! That's one of the weird things which I am struggling to get my head around. Honestly, Care Bears and Thundercats are more important/influential than I will ever be! Well not just me, but actual smart-smart talented people. And this has been proven over so many times that it's not really leaving any room for argument.

I can't dwell on it too much, culture has it's place and it's really one of the most grandiose of contributions that we as a species can make back to the otherwise blank-slate nature that spawned us. Every weird little abstraction and market-researched bullshit idea (and all of their knockoffs) are all so deeply important and alive, at least conceptually, that we'll never really truly fathom any of what we have created, or it's implications (see: the Internet. Or, the Book). As I type that, a few hairs raise on the back of my neck thinking "ahhh, nature begets nature!" Yeah, nothing is more unsatisfying than an unintentional god, right?

These themes have certainly been explored several times before, in several forms.. and I am sure with much more clarity than I do them the disjustice of lacking (hell, it's pushing on 3am, give me a break!) As I ponder it, I realize people smarter than me have spent their lives pondering it before, and others before them, it's got it's own well-worn culture already as well (but such is the nature of human thought, to be curious, analytical). The stupifying part for me is the ultimate dead-end I always reach, and the fact that that is the only logical result anyway. "So what, who cares!"

-----------------------------------------------

I have developed this strange new fascination with space stations lately. As usual I am too dumb to understand some of the deeper complexities of how such things work (and have happened), but I can at least sensibly work out why they happened and what led us to where we are today. Remarkable to me how no one else seems to even give a thought to such things, the notion of existing in a tiny wiry tube over the planet we were born for months at a time is one of the absolute nightmare craziest things I believe I have ever heard (another one being that "anyone with money can own and drive a car!") I guess it's just my inner caveman freakin' out again, but not for nothing, come on! It's late and my eyes are already bleary with sleep as I type this, but there's so much I would love to get into about the strangeness of how the space program (space race) developed, how it wasn't so long ago that it's primary purpose was honestly so that people could be able to kill each other, in all that's happened in technical marvels over the past century we've got nothing more impressive to show from it than how completely superior we are over any other organism bred of this Earth as far as being able to kill them all, and ourselves, nearly effortlessly and easily. Will we be able to beat out program in time? Will we kill ourselves with junk food and junk thought and junk love more meaningfully than we could only physically, with just mere stockpiles of nuclear weapons?

When I was young, I grew up in a time where I sensed that - even at a young age - a lot had happened in society at large, very recently, and it had spun the world up pretty good, but now it was "over" and things were settled and business, as usual, was transpiring from that point on. Everything was under control, by virtue of an establishment having occurred and enough systems already were in place (in society) to sort of follow through in expected fashion. Hey, the United States were already pretty well-figured out for like a couple hundred years already, right? Languages were all good to go, we had people to translate between enough of them.. anybody could get anywhere by car, plane, or if necessary, boat (and hey, can still walk to, for the short distances). TV in every home, computers were boxy and nerdy and mysterious but everything of a higher need utilized them all quite well for some time now and there didn't seem to be any need to worry about a deviation from the path. yeah, there were 3rd world countries, and yeah there was a cold war, and people on the other size of the world still seemed kind of poor and barbaric, but they were coming along and it was only a matter of time until everyone caught up and we'd all be on the same page and "it would just all be done, " all that building, renovating, adjusting.

Well, now I am like 15 years wiser since thinking such things, I have had enough time to go over it in my head after sort of subliminally hearing that all preached into my deeper consciousness for so long. I have seen thins with my own eyes, of course (always comes back to this) I live in a weirder cutting-edgier place where some of the raw stuff hasn't quite got filtered out and disseminated yet. College did a number on me as it opened me up to the world but also let me see how the world was opening up - MORE - to itself, in spite of it thinking (as noted above) that everything was just "all freakin' set."

As usual, it's hard for me to build up to a real point with these rants, it's sort of just a cross-section of the slutty sloppiness that sails through my thoughts as I commute back and forth to and from the office everyday, and it's not really mean to pique, so much as it is to express. In the end, I am just a simple animal like everyone else, and I want litlle else than they do.. maybe less (maybe more!)

holy crap, such pain!!!

so did y'all take care of your taxes yet, hmmm, hmm? Betta hope your ass got that shit all taken care of holmes!! that's right! Don't wanna mess with Uncle Sam.. He's got a bad temper. Send your butt to Abu Ghirab. However you spell it. Rip off your clothes and put a bag on your head and pile you up naked with a bunch of other dudes, watch out.

i am sitting at the desk at may's apartment, trying to type on her laptop and listen to KCRW and some annoying fool out somewhere is plucking guitar strings and it's really messing with me. i don't mind some ambient sound (lies!) but when i am already devoting my hearing attention to something else, it just starts becoming an obnoxious cacaphonic mess. i am good at zeroing my concentration in on things while i am involved with this/that/the other thing, but when i get too much conflicting stimuli (doesn't take much mind you) then my wires will get all crossed, my temper will flare, and my system will start to steam. I mean, that's how it would be if my constitution wasn't quite so ahh perfect.

Anyway I want the guitar plucker to get a case of the shits or something for a few minutes so they can put down their axe and pick up a copy of Consumer Reports and leave me in peace for fifteen goddamned minutes, that sounds appeasing.

I will try to keep centered enough to write, bear with me. I am already exhausted on top of my frustrations. I will try to keep my raging expession to a minimum (well, we will see how it goes). Anyway life has been busy as of late, as usual. Lots to tell. Last weekend (prior to this past weekend) the little lady and I hauled out to Veganas to visit her friend who lives/works out there, and that person's husband. He worked, the ladies shopped, I gambled and put down a couple of Cape Cods. Up and down, up and down, up and down. That night we tried to follow a hookup through to a party at The Palms, but there was some big fancy Exclusive Party going down which kept the plebians from attending, so we crossed the street and drank n danced at the Rio instead. Rio gets a bit of dislike from my crowd, but it fills a need and it was there for us that night, sure enough, so can't complain. Sunday hauled back home of course, followed by a week of work.

Broke up mid-week for a party up the street from my pad, open bar so it was hard to resist (plus I wanted to hang out with my buddy Justin). I'd not really been drunk in about a month, and the week of work wasn't too punishing so it wasn't difficult to squeeze in. The party was alright (like I said, close to home and open bar, downside is that it was a VFX wrap party which means 95 percent industry nerdlingers) anyway I somehow made it home to my bed, my trusty trusty bed, my trusty trusty alarm clock managed to snap me awake the next A.M. to get ready for work, and I did. Got hit halfway thru the day with a devilish little hangover, not bad/sick just annoying/hard to focus. Dumbasses, Listen - if it's open bar, don't waste the evening downing shots. Get loaded elegantly with more expensive, complicated drinks, stretch out the night, enjoy it, perhaps even remember more than a quarter or two. You know. Ah it's business as usual, I have an excuse, I am not used to that speed.

Friday was my buddy Niki's birthday, over on the West Side - it was at this little reggae-ish-kinda joint, as I was driving out from work (and then home) that meant I would put down a single beer and call it a night (drinking-wise), still wound up enough with my boundless energy that I was due for some dancing with the ladies. As the night wore on, I texted my girl who responded with a story about how she was presently being detained in a movie theater in El Segundo, apparently some punk shot a couple cops (in the movie theater lobby!) and they gunned him down right there. As they don't take too kindly to the wasting of police officers, the whole theater got locked up tight as a drum and everyone had to sit tight for.. oh, like 4 hours or so (no, not watching any actual films, or even being allowed to use any restrooms!) while SWAT rolled in and picked the place apart for any possible accomplices. Poor May!!! Anyway she showed up back at my place somewhere around 4:30 that morning.. sucks.. but I was happy she made it home in one piece. BTW don't tell her dad, if you've just read all of that.

Saturday.. this past saturday, of two days ago, it was a retardedly hot day (like 90 degrees in the city!) Hopped out of bed, threw on my shorts and some flipflops and headed over to get Robeks and then go for a hike in the park, it's been awhile. They CLOSED OFF THE PATH. Fuckers. I don't know where to begin to vent my anger for this, so I won't continue to try. All I gotta say is, I hope it reopens sometime in the next year, sigh. Anyway I grabbed May (as she's got up by this time) and we decided to try to head out to the beach. Never make it out there, but today seemed like it was made for such a plan. We hopped in the car bound for Venice, apparently everyone born since 1926 had the exact same idea as the fwy was packed all the way to the coastline. Parking prices were horrible as well ($15-20) but lucked out and found a $7 steal (sorry, I date an Asian girl, I am starting to say how much ('little') money I pay for everything). We hit the sand pretty late in the day, but it was still very relaxing, passed out for a few.. woke up and headed back to town, then another night out for me as a friend invited me out to his Goodbye Dinner (he took a job in Canada, leaving in a couple of weeks - very suddenly!)

Sunday, another heatwave, May and I visited or buddies in Atwater Village, hung out and ate some BBQ and drank some beers and played some Rock Band, a full day of relaxing with friends.. can't ask for much more. And today? Today was Monday, back to real life. We got a deadline fast approaching at work, once again, ad I am getting slammed every which way trying to wrap it up nice and tight for the end of the week. It's these times "when I shine" but dubious circumstances are conspiring to stress me ouuuuTTTT.

one-way world

3am, and i should be asleep. Why? 'Cause it is THREE A.M.!!!
Another week almost wrapped up. Work is a bit lethargic lately - some screenshots of our game got published to the net this week, one of them is a level I have been working on. Interesting.. I am trying to take the barbs with ease. Anyway it's a Work in progress, what do ya want!

It was a stressful week anyway. Last week my girlfriend was sick, and dutifully I tried my best to make her comfortable. This week I got to chill out a little, unfortunately my car was having issues (a hose burst, the engine temperature was overheating as all the coolant had drained out!) I was fortunate, my engine didn't get ruined. That's a nightmare waiting to happen. People tell me I should by a new car. I say... sigh.. when I HAVE to.. Anyway, crisis averted, for the moment. I need to head in for a bonafide tune-up at the dealer, though, as soon as possible. Did my taxes last weekend.. yeah it's all wrapping up. As I have mentioned, it's wearing on my mind how often I watch the same amounts of money come into my bank account, then go back out.. in, out... yeah, I know I am being whiny, I am just tired of that. It's getting closer. I want that windfall to come, just sweep away my economic woes, but then.. then what? So I have a couple extra bucks in the bank to sit on. Fine. I guess I'll start some account where I cannot touch it and earn some interest.. yeah, SOME. It feels ridiculous to live in California sometimes. What am I gonna do, start saving for a house now, here? It used to be my plan, not too long ago. Some very large circumstances are really gonna have to come to pass, in my life, for that plan to even be any kind of validity. Ah well, at least i have lotsa company. Also, it's not like I have got any kids (or am stuck in a genuinely shitty living situation) so I can't complain too much. As usual, it's just a monkeywrench in my programming, is all.

I just had an odd thought, about a decade ago i heard of something called "Hank the Angry Drunken Dwarf" and that he was voted People's Sexiest person of the year, or something to that effect. It sounded completely farcical from the get-go, then I found out that this was an actual person (still a hoax, kind-of, but you know). Anyway, growing up Howard Stern always seemed like this strange otherworldly thing that was out of my comprehension/culture/need to give any kind of attention to, but honestly after joining the working world, one can see how that stuff can be a valid antidote to yawnfests like NPR (i like NPR, don't get me wrong - I really do - but in the AM, the soothing announcer voice, the chill music, the subject matter - that is a yawnfest de rigeur!) Anyway Stern's been off the normal radio for a couple of years now, I never signed up for Satellite Radio for various reasons (I am not THAT dedicated) but the world of radio has certainly changed in the wake of all that. And, the Janet Jackson boob (and 9-11 and all of that). No short order. Anyway, it's interesting (I guess) for me to be typing about so random a topic as Talk Radio on my blog, but it is actually a genuine part of my life, I listen to talk very much as I am commuting, as I am working.. it's been much less important (vital) since Howard moved on, sadly. Not that I have ever been any kind of diehard fan, but the point is that the rest of that world (the parts of it I survey) is pretty tame by comparison. Ah well - too bad.

Did my laundry tonight. May wants to go to Vegas this weekend, so we'll head there to visit her friends after work tomorrow and undoubtedly win lots and lots of insane cash. I promise! Phewwww, two trips to vegas in like 2 months' time, i can't believe it. The last trip isn't even faded out of memory yet. I am tired of Vegas! It's a super-interesting place though - a wild microcosm - but dividing my time between Vegas, Los Angeles, and (almost, lately) Boston to a much lesser degree, my brains are starting to hemorrhage out of my skull. I.. I need to drive up the coast, relax on the beach. Soon! Maybe!

Possibly!

Anyway Vegas is sort of the farthest thing from my mind right now, I feel like I need to lock myself up in a nice quaint little cell or something for like.. 3, 4 months.. a sensory deprivation chamber, something. Living in LA is a blast, but once in a while just by virtue of living in the midst of it all, your radiation starts to burn, slowly.. the nerves get frayed, the hairs on the back of your neck start to stick up. The madness is either with you or against you, sometimes it's hard to tell were your receptors are.

I guess a good night's sleep is tantamount to dealing with any of it. If I am lucky I can get on 5 and a half hours, if i mosey on up there like now sort-of. Then work, then drive. Shistasomajaponica.

forever stalking you

yup, 'nother day, time to catch up with the neglected bloginizing. Actually, I did put forth a rather heated effort last week, though I would say it was a little on the too-heated side, I never finished and decided to let the sleeping does lie. I was in a pretty gnarly mood, so maybe it was for the better (though perhaps i'll just sliiiiide it in later).

Things are alright. It's 7pm on a Monday night and I am sitting at my desk at work, baking some lightmaps. Yep, that's right! Another draggy day in draggy life is behind me, though I am not sure when exactly I will leave my post for the day - I have things I should tend to at home, I suppose, so perhaps not too too late. The shuffle back-and-forth does get a little tiresome though, I have to say. Not enough to make me wanna quit, though.. or move.. sigh.

Anyway, today's excitement -> our office is next to the 55 freeway (by, well.. YARDS, barely) and a little old lady swerved off of it and smack into the planter where the smokers usually chill out at. Fortunately for them, no folks back there at the moment, or they would have been crushed! Anyway the car flipped and she was trapped for awhile, till them paramedics came and freed her. Very weird. I guess she got lucky, sounds like she will be alright. I have seen some things in my day, this is another first for me though.

What else.. hmm, I don't proclaim to have too many heroes, and I don't use such a term lightly, if at all. But I guess radio-talk-show host Adam Carolla would have ot rank up there, for people who I respect and appreciate. He made a small film, which opened this past weekend. My friend and I went to check it out, the man himself came out following the show for some Q and A, which was cool. The whole affair was.. tiny, really (bad for him, I guess, but good for us) so it was intimate and therefore pretty cool. Got to meet him and shake his hand, for whatever that's worth. But yeah I think I listen to that guy in some form or other, every day at work - for a good 5 years or so now, at least!! So that was pretty cool.

Otherwise, life is pretty chill. Work is.. well, work is always taking it out of me, in some form or other, but I am just past my 1-year anniversary at this studio, that's a good thing I'd say (well, good that I am still legitimately employed and all of that).Working pretty hard, as usual! Otherwise, trying (damned hard) to stay out of the partyin' scene. That's a hard thing, honestly - I can tell that my mental state is a lot unhappier for it, but it's a personal choice. It's too damned expensive, and I have spent more than my fair share on that part of my lifestyle. I do think I have been pretty good about it, especially over the past year - but I gotta tighten the belt even further!

It sucks though! But that is life. It is interesting, to measure reality differently when you don't have such regular periods of absolute escapism. Interesting, to be sure.. upsetting in some ways, perhaps. It does feel good to think of the positive side of things though. I am really tired of putting the same amount of money into the bank and deducting the exact same amount to cover my bills, over and over, each freakin' month. It's pretty old. Welcome to everyone else's life, I know. I have been full of hot air for some time now about "this plan" or "that idea" to get things to change. I don't lie to myself, there's a lot I can do (hell, there's a lot I have already done) but as usual, ratcheting up to that next notch definitely means more (urgh) painful of a change, in whatever capacity. I have dabbled here and there - I always have some notions, I wouldn't say the things in my head are truly half-hearted or completely naive either. But as they say, the proof is in the pudding. Man, what a dumb thing to say.

---------------------

This is cheesy, but I will occasionally pull up my website now and again, i suppose it's sort of narcissistic, sort of ego-stroking, whatever (well, everyone needs that stuff). I don't think it's any great piece of work, it's flawed and whatever like anything, but it is mine, it's representative of my career, my life in some ways. It's changed over time, between subtle shifts and complete overhauls, also like me. It's cheesy to say these things, and it's just a meaningless website, but it is still symbolic to me, it's a constant like I am. I guess I just look at it, like anything else, with a micture of pride and.. expectation. There's things on there, some I am proud of, some I'd like to forget, to get past.. take them down, replace them altogether. Sigh, even just get rid of the whole damned thing, haha. Well, I need to hold onto it, so that's not likely to happen. But more than anything (and here comes the cheesiest part), it still sort of represents my hopes and dreams, in a way. It's a work-in-progress, a map kind of where I have been, a footprint, whatever you wanna call it. But I look and say "alright, that's all well and good, but where can I go next from this meager stepping stone?"

---------------------

I have been all over the place lately. It's hard to measure.. The holidays are actually quite distant for me already, mentally, but new year's wasn't THAT far behind. I went to Boston twice, Vegas once, since last winter. I mean.. I was just IN Boston, exactly one month ago, but it feels like it could easily have been half a year ago, or longer. That's so strange- what does that mean? Am I so settled and plugged into my simle little routine here, that any deviance from the norm (esp. a "normal deviance") just goes into a little pigeonhole like that? It pisses me off. Time should be more novel than that. I find myself saying these things a lot lately, "'ll do something.. sometime." When is that? What does that mean? I guess I am getting impatient, but I don't know what for. My youthful energy to pick up and do whatever is fleeting, even if it's still in me. I am not complaining (out and out) about this, so much as trying to snap out of this person I am becoming, trying to take a warning from it. I live this weird life, in this crazy wild place - there's tons of opportunity around me, for.. anything... I have tasted it before, but I am forgetting how to. And if I squander it, the only person whose fault that will be, is my own. I go home at night, I crank on the heater, nestle up next to it for that primal warm feeling, that "who cares, I got my heat" feeling, the one that burns a little to the point where it gets a little painful (but anything less is too weak!), I look at my bookcase, my couch, my coffee table.. my TV. I feel solid and secure, I have this place, this stability now, it's kind of got sculpted out pretty well the way I like it, and the comfort of it all is what seems to trap me, to keep me from cutting away and releasing back into the chance, the danger, the difference. Maybe I will just flip a coin. Screw it. Go to vegas, take my tax return and put it on red, if I win then put THAT on black, spend half partying and the other half on gettin' a move on. Nice fantasy, right?

mettle trakter

doofus wha's new? not much really, why do you ask. 3:30am, I am succumbing to the usual habit of wasting my hours away in the late-late-late parts of the night, doing silly useless things while the rest of the world sleeps (or, wakes up). The urge to pontificate takes hold and so i do, for a moment.

My birthday was recently, it makes me shudder to acknowledge my older-ness. Oh well. To (most of) my past girlfriends, it makes me shudder MORE to think of how much older that means all of YOU have become.. hahaha! As for the current one, well she is younger than me (yeah... still). So she is safe, for now. As long as she understands that once she hits the big three oh, she's out the door and replaced with a new model. Hey I need to keep trendy, you know. My CAREER - my LIVELIHOOD depends on it. Sorry sweetheart - we'll always have Irvine!

Anyway, things are okay. Life plods on, uncontrollably. Like a three-ton Sherman Tank ratcheting slowly thru the marshes of Time, dandelions and pollywogs being shredded beneath the teeth of its massive indestructible, unforgiving treads - big, stupid, aimless, pointless and heartless. Man, I love using the tank as a metaphor. That's like three skips away from the end of all metaphors.

Work is alright. It's getting on a year, for me, working at Obsidian. A year is usually a semi-big deal in my eyes, to be trumped only by the uber-important TWO-YEAR MARK. When will that happen? It's been so long, friends, so long.. let's not linger on it. Anyway perhaps this will be the year to break the curse. We will see. Check back with me in (ulp) '09.

Weather is sweet right now. It's been cold, somewhat dramatically so - not unbearable by a longshot, mind you, but definitely it made you think it was winter! Still, tis IS california we are talkin' about. Anyway the past several days have been dreamy good, and though I did not mind the cold, I do welcome the suddenly early spring weather. Whether or not that's due to stay, I don't know either (many things, I don't know...) but it's nice for what it is, right now. So long as it doesn't pick up with the (usually scheduled) rainy season - which, would be beneficial, actually, since that helps prevent crazy huge Coastal Fires, but in so doing they make my leaky roof drip. Anyway, things I have no say in anyway.

Trying to save money. With the new year, then my birthday, then a vegas trip, and a night out here, there, etc with the amigos, it's been hitting my pocketbook. I have been trying to cut back (stay in all weekend! don't go out tues night anymore!) and yes of course it's hard, but I am fighting. Started stocking my fridge at work with lunchmeat, sounds lame I know but saves so much money (@ $10/week for food, as opposed to .. @$50???) Something. That stuff adds up, mans...

Well, we'll see how long I last. Work's getting stressful kinda, lately. I WILL SURVIVE...

'night, all.

curator of the indignant

what's up blogerino's? so does anybody actually read this thing anymore anyway? i used to write in here and see hits pop up on the counter - still do, but it is erratic. besides, i don't think i know what it means (is it actual people? web spiders? etc) No matter. Just curious.

Lots of things on my mind lately. I have had a whole catalog of things to put down in here, but honestly, a lot of it sees to be spilling out of the sides of my head lately - it doesn't matter, as I will always find a way to ramble semi-coherently anyway, I just wish I was better at actually capturing my more thought-provoking points. I suppose it's not terribly relevant at the end of the day.

Things are alright. As usual I'd love to rant about work in here (I'm quite adept at that - isn't everyone?) but for the obvious reasons I will refrain. Suffice it to say work's chugging along as usual, everyone is getting along. Some things are annoying, others are fine. I am happy to keep things going status quo, I suppose. Today I mentioned to my boss how I would love to be put on the other project - after all, it's the reason I joined up with this outfit in the first place - so hopefully I will get to go over to the department in some months. Man! I wish I could start right now! Even so, fair enough, I;ll stare at the carrot awhile longer - I would be pretty excited to get onto that project! (I'd never come home.. haha) As I always say.. "we will see what happens."

Sitting at my desk at home, I ran home around 8PM - ate a salad, watched a somewhat shitty mini-documentary about the party Island of Ibiza (somewhat shitty, but not horrible.. haha). It did succeed in piquing my interest a little more, making me want to go there. It feels a little extraneous to consider that, i mean - i live in the party CITY of Hollywood, and it's already tropical "enough" here during enough months out of the year. Still if I was oozing a little money, an excursion would be nice. I am sure a place like that, and a guy like me - it would add up to a fair degree of exhaustion.

So, I feel old lately. Not terribly old, but it's getting up there. I know I write about this a bit much, but for me it is a big deal - -I sort of live in the lifestyle of someone 10 years my junior, or so, and in many ways that is an ideal setup for someone at that stage of life. But I am NOT there anymore! I will try to hold onto it for as long as I can, but I do feel like things are changing. I mean, physically, I can feel things starting to show signs of slowing down a little. Considering the amount of abuse I'll routinely put myself through, I suppose it's only a matter of time for things to start catching up with me.. and so then, I am earning it, or something. I feel really weird, though, I feel like the personality i have, and a lot of the way my life is setup, they match really well but something important - something I needed to get out of my system, yet something I can not ever really define - something got missed. I graze it still, I get little glimpses/feelings of "what I could have been," perhaps what I still could be. Well, I am still here, and I still indulge in the things that part of my personality seems to require - but it's half-assed. I am two things, two people. Not bipolar or something, it's just my id and my superego constantly giving little jibes to one another. I suppose if I gave completely into one or the other, I'd find myself either completely happy or altogether miserable - I've no idea. So I suppose that is why I keep on as I do. Ah well.

Complaining aside (don't worry, I'll always complain!) I know I feel weird as things move into this next phase and my struggles of the past seem to be less relevant. I am working at this studio nearly a year now, and it's feeling relatively secure (now that I have written it, of course it's gonna bite me in the ass!) Honestly, so many of the things in my life seem so figured out by now. Something I have always wanted for, and yet it feels very anticlimactic in a lot of ways. I fear that about life.. and everything. Danger is exciting? Does that need to be a question?

I was talking to a coworker today briefly, we were speaking about our (limited experience with) traveling. I feel ashamed to be the age I am at, and know that I've not even scratched the surface, at all, of seeing te guts of tis world. I travel a lot in my mind, you could say.. but I am quite the homebody, the workaholic. I relish my base. But now my world seems tiny. I think te last times I felt truly free were when I struck out and randomly threw myself out into the mercy of the Crazy World. I've barely done it - though I suppose I have done much more than so many other folks - but again, as I get older, I realize that my youthful energy for tackling such things is definitely slipping away, with each day's passage. I am molded into a workman's life, and I need ot have my home base - I am a material person, like it or not - but my supressed spirit wants to forget it all and go for broke. Bah -- it is all talk. I've traditionally had to be pulled away kicking and screaming. Not quite that bad, but enough that it's established a pattern.. unless something heavy is going down, then I am gonna be right here, bolted into my chair, letting the internet show me it's fucked-up version of the world.

I look at my life and my attitude and realize something about myself - I'll never blame anyone for this, it's just my own fault. I've talked to people who've had that get-up-and-go mentality before, and I suppose I have attempted it on a relatively minor scale. But it's my programming - I get older, I feel more "trapped," I worry about the consequences. I want to light a fire under my ass and just go and DO it and say damn the consequences, and examine so much more depth that way, but I can't reach that feeling, something is blocking.

I had a friend who said something crazy to me many years ago. He told me about doing acid way back in college, and it completely altered his perspective on everything. He had been sort of reserved ad uptight before that, and the drug sufficiently bent his perception enough that he realized his stubborn, small-minded bullshit was exactly that - it changed him irrevocably. I have never done such a thing, my experiences with drugs have never been any kind of noteworthy in such a manner (alcohol has always ben my drug of choice) and yet - during these times, I think of my friend's story. his relating it to me has stayed with me for years, just as the actual experience has stayed with him (though, to a much lower caliber, of course). I sort of wish I could just "flip a switch" in my head and put aside all the murky grainy weirdness that keeps me from going to that place he got to, the fantasy of it is somewhat reassuring.. like a release. But then reality sets in, and I realize the important fact - I am TOO OLD for that stuff, there was a time in my life when that might have been appropriate but at this point my cement is too dry, my experiences have too-ingrained into my actual personality. I can't really retreat to "a different self," or at least not that easily. I'm.. not sure what it is that I need to et to that next stage. It's not some pill, it's definitely not a bunch of booze (that's more of a sidestep!), it's DEFINITELY not also "keeping working and trying to make money..." Despite the ideals that are constantly preached to me. No, i don't know what it is, and I have no idea really what I need to do to find that next stage, so i will guess that as long as I keep on as I have been, I will tread water for awhile.

It's not really a worry for me, despite my tone. This knowledge keeps me young, after all - the thought that "the next stage," the step into whatever further level of maturity that awaits, has not yet come and doesn't seem to be approaching anytime soon (hmm, chalk that up to living in Hollywood, duh?) I feel like in spite of my neuroses, what doom I may speak, I know myself and my spontanaeity (oh hell, i don't know how to spell it) always sees to do something to inject just enough friction/interest/eccentricity into my life that it keeps me steered steadily on this ultimately satisfying (if frustrating) path I am on.

Late. Almost midnight. I should wrap this up soon.

Last night I had some long important involved dream.. I forget most of it. I think a big deal of it was that I was leaving LA, I think I decided to quit and get out of this place.. or at least, get out of what all was going on in my life. I got rid of everything I owned, except for my car (which was kind of a very small winnebago - sort of). I would plant the thing in the middle of a National Park Reserve, or something, and just live out alone on the land, hoping the rangers would leave me alone if it was off-season. My Dad came to visit me, in his business suit - also my friend Adam from Boston (he's never been to LA, interestingly). An odd pair, but the three of us were eating at a diner and the two of them bonded over talking about football. They were watching some Russian Catholic Football League (yeah, I know). It was a weird feeling to wake up this morning, out in the middle of that field with no more of my material possessions, just my car that I could hop in and drive anywhere, it made me feel free.

ignore the sound of your own voice - MON JAN 28

sunday eve/monday am, sitting at my PC. i spent the night eating fondue, drinking newcastle, watching the boob tube. i downloaded a stupid man's film to my xbox, but it seems to have expired since i'd downloaded it (they give you a two-week time limit, i guess it's on east coast time.. or i added a day to my memory). Instead I watched a documentary on nanotechnology, and then a 1986 interview with Dr. Oliver Sacks. Same difference, wouldn't you say?

The nanotechnology doc was an interesting one - something which I may've written of before, in here. For the uninformed, basically it's the theory that machines can be built to build tinier machines, to the point where they operate on a subatomic scale, essentially - instead of using raw materials as we know them, the materials involved would be molecular or atomic, supposedly the building blocks of our material universe (as we know) - opening up the door for creation of anything, anytime, under any circumstances, essentially. A machine which can make anything else, including another machine which can make anything else. It sounds like science fiction but for anyone who has taken any kind of general chemistry (and biology) class, then it might begin to make some sense. We are still a ways off from having such a degree of perfect manipulation, by any stretch, but it sounds like it is coming sooner than one would think.. within two decades, perhaps? One needs only to look at the climate around us to get a clue - everything is pretty miniaturized these days, even moreso than it all was 10-15 years ago. Everything is significantly smaller, yet more powerful and noticeably cheaper than you'd have thought it would be. It sounds interesting in a trivial manner, to most folks, but to a certain group of people I think this would register as not only noteworthy, but also somewhat frightening. Change is good, but too much+too soon = out of control. Things are already out of control, and though the media loves to constantly remind us how much we are pushing the boundaries in all things, this new leap forward will literally demolish boundaries or everything. There are extreme sociopolitical and economical factors at stake here. If there's machines that can make everything, for everyone, all the time - money, time, and resource not being limiting factors - then suddenly worth and value come into question. Money becomes useless. Work becomes redundant. Never mind shipping routes or oil shortages. Yeah, the problems of food shortages will be a thing of the past - and the health industry/medicine in general will undergo quite a transformation - but will this herald the onset of a golden age, or the unraveling of society as we know it?

I suppose I am speaking in somewhat grandiose terms here "the end of the world is nigh!" but there is some truth in this madness. The rapid advancement of technology is a very real thing, something which we've only glimpsed at in relatively Junior status (at best!) so far. How quickly we forget that the modern age we've been enjoying, this atomic age, is still so new, barely two generations old (even that?) Once Pandora's Box has been opened, the mind races to consider the ramifications in even the broader strokes, witness what the World Wide Web has done done to society and business globally, in it's relatively short existence (it's not 20 years old yet?) Mankind struggles to catch up, in our folly we purport to still be "in control of all of this" when in fact we are at it's random mercy.

So.. is this bad? In keeping with the rhythm, "is it our fault?" Could we have avoided this path, and whatever good (and "bad") it trumpets? It's just nature, I would argue - it's part of the program, just the next step in evolution. We are the ultimate creature born of this world, all things considered - and now it's time for our ultimate creature to follow in our wake. This always happens, or at least it's the precedent that has always been followed, so why should it be any different? The most interesting part of it to me, is that though we have got quite a fear of it (look to popular fiction, for starters), we'll never be able to break free of our programming and properly steer free of this destination, I'd say it's impossible (barring any unforseen cataclysmic forces - like a superflu or an asteroid). If anything, things such as war are the only natural global impediments to progress (it divides humanity, sets back everything progressive) yet ironically war will doubly drive business and technology, to the degree where it doesn't merely even out the race, it actually accelerates things.

I suppose arguments could be made for all I say (such is the way things go), but generally one needs only to look at history too see where we've been and what we're capable of. Not only human history, but more importantly biological history. Now is truly a special time in that there's never been such a large stake (and such a perfectly-faceted system on such a relatively large scale, within our perception), and already we have been able to witness sweeping changes in such short amounts of time.

I am not sad, or happy about any of this - it's been my lifetime, and my parents' and grandparents' lifetimes, that this has slowly been building up a good head of steam, to the point where it's been an ever-present consideration for everything that shapes all the ways we think about "the not-so-distant future." Consider people who grew up in medieval times, they would look to their elders and figure that "yeah, I will pretty much be in that guys shoes someday" - some things might be different, but overall you were looking at the model of your future life right before your very eyes. To look at old people now, we get a sense of "well, that's at least what I will LOOK LIKE.. sort of.. when I am old..", but we aren't quite sure of what shape society and business and how it will all be tied together. Depending on your age, it's easier to tell, I suppose.. lifestyle, geographical background, education, all of that - and sure, all of those things have always played some significant part in the process to varying degrees, though never to the degree of importance that they hold now.

So, to all of that, I repeat - it's the world. It's not gonna stop. It's not just people, it's just nature really. We'll keep adapting and changing, societally, philosophically, fundamentally. Whatever changes are brought about, this is all from within us, it's really inevitable and part of our spirit, whatever happens to accelerate or decelerate the process. It's not to be neither happy nor sad, it is just what it is. Frightening in some ways, optimistic in other ways, overall just very interesting. From my vantage point, I can say I am not oblivious to the fact that I was born during a particularly interesting time in human history, with a really good view of things.

I try to shake this knowledge/consideration all up in my blender of a mind, with all the other aspects of my personality - trying to keep a somewhat liquid, adaptable philosophy, as best as one can. I am not a stone, but I do need my stability, my reassurance. I think we're never really taught, generally, to completely expect the unexpected, but rather to lean on our traditions and our culture. What, then, if our culture is about constant recycling and reiteration - ad planned obsolescence?

I guess another driving force that makes me type this, is that I watched another documentary last night about affluence, that is, the material over-dependence of our society - what humble origins it has grown out of, into the top-heavy behemoth it now resembles. I am no stranger to such things, but when I hear about this stuff it makes my blood boil a little. The oil crisis, et cetera - these campaigns all champion a "change-the-world" crusade, proclaming "we are going down the wrong path, we can make changes today to save the world of tomorrow!" Yeah, sure we CAN, but will we? Counter that further with my arguments above, we honestly do not know what the next world is gonna look like, beyond a few sketches here and there. Even if we did have a solid outline, how would we conceivably reroute all the generations-old systems that have been built up, in hopes of fixing things for a brighter future? Our society is not one that rewards reservation, rather it rewards aggression, brutality (to put it simply, bluntly). Genius brutality, anyway. Our country exists as an economic superpower, all of the main powerful businesses of the world trace their lifeblood through it's arteries - without that continues progressive rhythm, things would start to crash into one another, pile up, disjoint. Yes - there would be reconstruction, there always is - but reconstruction only comes after breakdown, not avoidance. Reconstruction is the only way to truly rebuild a system which is flawed, and a system of any depth can only be halted by suspension of it's operations - and then it's subordinate operations and subsystems - to the point where "all the screws are stripped," rendering it inoperable until replacement by a similar or superior system.

These are harsh facts - again, most optimists would argue with me, I would not blame them - but I'll always point to history, to nature as my star witnesses. ADAPT OR DIE! Okay, I need to bring in my laundry while dodging the rain.

late

another night staring at the build status bar. hopefully to wrap soon and get out and go home. i gotta swing by my friend's place to drop off some $$$ and then head to the homestead.. my place is kind of a mess, it needs to be picked up/vacuumed/laundered/dishwashed/etc. i try, i try. i open up my living room closet and i am greeted with a tower of CLUTTER. I want it all to just go away! when i see that stuff, it makes me feel like my life is all out of sorts, everything is disorganized, i don't know where anything is - out of control. Of course things aren't that bad for real, but that's the feeling i get when i look in there.

my bedroom upstairs, by comparison - it's EMPTY. there's a bed, and some clothes. of course it's starting to get a little overflow. Since i was a little kid, i've had issues with being able to feel comfortable enough to fall asleep for the night in a completely trashy room. this is probably a good thing right? Well anyway I am surely not OCD (not nearly) about this stuff. i do wanna have a clean home base though, where all my stuff is in order - sensible, unimposing. I guess I should get my car cleaned up for that matter..

Tuesday night, the Hollywood scene beckons me. Partying is beyond old, I mean like beyond beyond old, but it still feels very tempting to just let myself go and forget my troubles and turn my brain off for a night, kind of like getting lost in a stampede. The more time I spend here, the more homey it feels to me, with all it's warts. I am not too flush with cash right now, so I am gonna give my urge the benefit of the doubt that it won't *MAKE* me go out (that's right). Wish me luck. For now, I gotta hop in the car and hit the road.. tomorrow is another day.

nooo-NO!!!

ohh boy! coming into another phase of blog neglect, i suppose. that's fine. keeping an online journal is a pretty dumb thing to do anyway, if you think about it.

um, so life is very busy lately. yeah it always is, so no news there. some stuff i can't talk about in here is fiercely occupying me (well, i guess i'll say it's job-related and leave it at that). Otherwise things are pretty much going along as they normally do. My girlfriend started back at school last week, so i took my cue and went out on the town for a couple of nights (hey, it had been awhile!) I was quite wound up and raised some hell for a couple of nights, thankfully i kept the madness to a minimum. Going out = always fun, and though the novelty is long since worn off, it was good to go out and feel like it was still out there waiting for me. classic times, certainly. though on wednesday, i made it out to boardner's just a liiittle too late - it's the wednesday night spot, and i didn't show up till past midnight as i was at a karaoke bar up the street (no singing for me though). So i got stuck in line with the locals, waited about 20 min or so before giving up and heading elsewhere. Which is fine - i had my crazy night the previous evening.

But waiting in line still took it's toll. it made me feel OLD. I may not look like an old gy, but i certainly start to feel the part at times. listening to the kids in line ranting about waiting tables and stuff, and realizing that they're all... sigh.. i don't wanna think about how many years my junior they were. Mind you I am not old YET, but it's definitely past my mid-twenties by a longshot, brother...! To cheer myself up I hit a couple other little local places - they were dead, but they were friendly, and it was late, and I didn't feel like heading home JUST yet as my engine'd got all revved up at the karaoke place. You know what - seeing myself type this, right now, as it is it fills me with drive and vigor. It's only Monday but i could go for another week of the same. I WON'T (there's actually responsible things I must take care of!) but i do feel the desire to let Hollywood have it's way with me, some more.

Well, I guess I will be in vegas in a few days and I will be able to exhaust my stupid demons at that point. (Exhaust, not exorcise...)

Not much [artying for me these days anyway. Gotta save up money, and I am gonna be sinking in to much heavier work schedule as well. I need to unwind here and there to balance it (if i become one hundred percent work-machine-maniac, with no release, then I just become steeped in pointless-feeling misery). We have our animal sides, and they have to come out - I get tired of denying that, though as I get older, I do feel like it gets denied more and more. That pisses me off!

My health is mostly fine, though I can feel myself getting a little funky. My body has changed a bit the past 5 years, it's not "old!" but it's feeling worn from my lifestyle and mental state, and i can see how it's reflecting that. I have always been kind of lean, not necessarily "in shape" but never a fat ass, and i feel like i am encroaching on fat ass territory more and more. my diet and lack of exercise are doing little to resist that. My attitude is "there's just not enough hours in the day!" and i get more and more careless as time wears on. It's difficult - I have a lot of pressure and that kind of maintainence is just one more log to throw on the fire. I need to yank myself back into that direction, as it really IS one of the most important aspects of anyone's life - rather than continue to take it for granted, as I do. I don't know what to do -- well, i DO know, i just don't know how to find the drive in myself again. It's got to start somewhere, is all I know. I like to think I have not begun to approach the point of no return.

My girlfriend and I are arguing lately, and I am not sure why. It's not bad, but considering we have not argued at ALL the past year and a half (or so), it's been a little more frequent I guess. I am not sure what it means - I think we are hitting a phase where we've been together for a certain amount of time, and though we definitely enjoy our quality time together (more so, I would say!), I feel like we're sort of pushing on one another's boundaries a bit more to see what will happen. It's not really as.. playful or insignificant as I make it sound, but I have to say it feels like a natural thing in some ways. Not growing apart or something like that, just getting to another level as time passes and trying to deal with one another in.. a more closer way, if that makes sense. I won't lie - being in a relationship, anyone would have to agree, it is NOT the easiest thing in the world.. unless you are both completely stupid and simple people. Anyone who is involved with any other person over a prolonged period of time, of course they are going to have periods where they push each other's buttons for whatever reasons.

I've been through it before, of course, but each time (with each person) the dynamic is different. I guess that's part of me, also - when I am involved with someone, especially after "the honeymoon period" is wrapped up, I tend to get hazy on some big aspects of the previous relationships. Like, a lot of the stuff "how to deal with significant others from the past" gets blurred and feels irrelevant. I don't know quite how to explain it, and i guess the upside of that is that there's more novelty each time (says Ron the otherwise completely jaded person).

It's a little strange to write about relationship stuff in a public place like this, not that many people will ever view it (though some relevant people certainly will) - and I have been in hot water for such things before - but it is important to me, and what's up with my head right now, and I believe that so long as things are handled properly and (well.. without getting into particular details) than anything is fair game, eh? Believe me, there's a part of me that just wants to spit every detail of everything that goes through my head and my heart into this blog, but of course you can't really do that - but I'll take what I can get.

almost 8pm, I intended to get further with my work today (it was productive, anyway) however it is late and I need to meet my friend in Santa Monica. So, I'm off.

so that’s what makes it so

damn, january. enero. time to start all over again, again.
i am tired of new year's'es. they just keep coming and feeling less and less new each time. it's a tired old routine. i am a whiny old curmudgeon. Bah! screw you all for being alive! I hate puppies, kittens, and balloons!

just kidding. i am feeling gassy and sleepy. i am lighting things all day long and it's making me a little antsy. i have about another hour's worth to go and then i need to haul home and play bioshock all night (don't ask). I have been back two days and already feels like i never left town... it's nice to be back home of course, to deal with the ever-present business.. but still.. doesn't take away my need to actually have some kind of a relaxing vacation. that longed-for "getaway to escape it all." Damn it is thursday night (already), that means it's the first Beauty Bar of the 2008 right? No, it's been a little bit of a while, already... but I will hold off for a little while still, i guess.

the holidays are behind me and that's a good thing. holidays are alright but they are really all about running around and stressing over buying presents and wrapping presents and delivering presents and not messing up presents and being able to afford presents and avoiding crappy crowded shopping malls and insane santa clauses and really hungry and sad-looking homeless people with just one arm, half-passed-out by the freeway exit who it's increasingly hard to ignore these days. Yes, it puts things in perspective (the city is cold and hateful at times). We haven't many unsightly homeless folks in OC anyway (i guess they round them up and deposit them Downtown in the alleys). Anyway holidays = DONE and that's all good with me. I can sit back and let my coffers try to refill ever-so-slightly. Oh OKAY V-day is approaching but otherwise it's all quiet. Chill out Ron. Just chill out. My own personal holiday is fast approaching (g-r-o-a-n) but soon that will be past as well and then I can put that sadness out of my mind. I am tired of birthdays, tired I say! I think this is my last one where I can still feel even relatively CLOSE to (legally) feeling like a kid. Somewhat.

There's a lot of things bouncing around in my brain as usual. We got back back from Boston, the trip went alright and my folks and girlfriend all met for the first time, I am sure there'll be a little fallout from that but overall things went over as well as could be expected. Both camps seem to have been fairly respectable enough of one another with a minimum of faux paus being commited, so I can relax a bit (well, such as it is). I came into my office yesterday AM and there were no pink slips waiting for me on my desk so again, a further sigh of relief (sigh, sigh). No ticket on my car 'cause of streetcleaning. No blood in my stool. My throat is a little sore (and coughing up the occasional green goblin, but nothing too terrible) and I haven't yet weighed myself.. AND my apartment's not yet burned down. All is well with the world.

The weekend looms already and I can't believe it - tomorrow is really already Friday? My plans for the weekend are Nil, though I have plenty to occupy me work-wise, across the board. I bound back into the mode and there's heaps of thought and planning and much decision making to do, and already elbow-grease required of me. The weekend coming will not be any more relaxing, but that's fine as I am itching to find something new and worthwhile to wrap my workaholic/creative urges around.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Lots of interesting thoughts pass through my head lately, and lamentably I haven't committed many of them to paper (err, to .doc form). Or perhaps, better for that. Anyway, I was thinking a few weeks ago, it might be kind of fun to be chased by a big truck. WHAT you ask, WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT THAT? Well just listen. I was making a round of the office park during a break at work, just as a big truck came through the drive, and sort of crept alongside me. It was slowly traversing the narrow thru-way, and I watched my step but also noted how constricted the powerful beast was. Yes, if it wanted to truly crush me, it could certainly have a difficult time. Being a small single pedestrain, I can easily outmaneuver such a vehicle - while it has me beat in speed and mass, I can quickly and easily change direction, and I am more adept at dealing with uneven terrain. So then - YES I think it would be sort of fun to be chased by a truck. It would be fun on a bike or maybe a skateboard as well, but for pure thrill I think on-foot would be ideal. There's always going to be that ever-present danger that you could blow it and get completely throttled by the thing, but if you are even the tiniest bit wily (and, environment is not too difficult to navigate) then it shouldn't bee too hard.

Now let's examine a little further for a moment, and then I will get off of this. A big open field - you win. This is the easiest situation. The truck can work up speed and charge you, but if you start darting out of the way even as he closes in, then he's screwed since he'll need to wide-turn to nail you. Doing so would compromise the truck-driver's control, and if he did pull such a move then he might flip his rig (mind you, all this time I have been talking about a HEAVY TRUCK, like tractor-trailer combo - of course smaller trucks could easily kill you). Anyway, a steep incline is also (usually) in the pedestrian's favor. But now if you have a closed-off environment, with gates and walls and fences and stuff? Now things get interesting. The ped could get cornered and flattened up against the wall. I am not even considering the fact that the truck WOULD NOT have to remain completely intact while killing the ped. Even so it would not be too difficult. Depending upon the abilities of the ped, they could possibly take advantage of the obstacles and trick their pursuer into trapping itself - but if the person was of average athletic ability, then the odds are not in their favor.

Anyway, so there's my Truck-Chasing Fantasy. Could make for an interesting videogame, I suppose, but really the true thrill would come from real life. Oh well, I'LL never try it..

This brings up another thought, Lion Chasing Exercises. I mean, exercising is boring, though one can get into the rhythm I suppose - but other than the motivation to increase one's fitness, what's the point? Now. if a LION was chasing after you, that would cause you to run, for REAL! I mean, if you chill out, you're just gonna get mauled (at best!) or eaten. Unlike the truck, the lion doesn't have to worry about carefully navigating the terrain, it can just run around and pounce on you, so long as it can catch up to you. You'll be so busy running and trying not to be caught, that you wouldn't have TIME to be bored - no one is bored when they are in danger of having their flesh ripped off and eaten! This is complicated, though - the lion is most likely faster and more agile than most people it could chase, I'd assume (tigers, more so). I don't know, you'd probably need a slower lion. How fast do bears run? Are there slow ones? Not lumbering bears, but like.. jogging bears? Those things are mean and will eat you, I suppose, but you don't really picture bears vaulting across the serengeti like you would a lion or some other big cat. Anyway, a really good way to get in shape, but only for short bursts, because sooner or later you would probably end up getting caught and eaten, so I think I will pass on this as well.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, I should end this by relating my very disturbing dream from last night. Honestly I don't really like to bring it up since it was pretty unsettling, but it's interesting to go back and read this stuff down the road as I tend to forget some of my weirder dreams. If you are squeamish and don't like to read upsetting things, you might wanna skip the rest of the blog entry -- Anyway I had this long and involved dream last night, I forgot about 95 percent of what went on, but I seem to recall a lot of running around and drama and all of that. Not very happy, just busy and trying to take care of all of my business, that sort of thing. In so doing, I got really neglectful of my house (in my dream, I owned a house with a pool). For the most part, things looked fine (and I made sure, usually, to keep it that way) but there were some things that were a little much for me to keep tabs on.. specifically, the pool. I didn't really WANT this pool, but they sold it to me and it had this whole weird Food Generation System which really creeped be out (it would use algae that grew in the pool and convert it into an edible food source somehow). I didn't really want to deal with all the maintainence involved as getting my food that way just seemed kind of gross, so I sort of ignored it and let the automatic pool maintainence device process and clean (and supposedly eliminate) all that stuff. Also it functioned as a Pet Care system, you'd put your pet into a small long tube that connected to the Food Cleaning/Distribution system and it would relieve you of the duties of caring for the thing. Not that I would ever do this in real life, of course, for anything above say.. a fish or reptile, but in my dream it was designed for dogs and cats and things. I examined the tube, not remembering if I even HAD a pet (or knowing what it even was!) and wondering how it was doing being sustained in there. I pulled back the sealed-off portion to view down the tube, which still would maintain a barrier between outside and inside, and looked to see what was down there. Something small and furry scurried down to my end, as the pool deposited the "food" there and it must have been feeding time - to my horror, I realized this was some kind of rodent. Not quite the cat, dog or hamster I was expecting, but some "unclean creature" which had thrived inside the pool system. It devoured the food as I watched it's short pointy tail spiking up and down - and I realized that this was not just a rodent but some bizarre unnatural nutated creature, at that. It looked very much like a rat, but it had extra sets of eyes on it's head - normal rat eyes, two big saucer-looking eyes on top of those, and weird Giger-esque squinty alien eyes alongside it's head - and no pupils (of course!) Disgusted, and horrified, I tried to close the viewing chamber (we were still separated by a plastic barrier, but it was not sealed to the air) and I wondered if this thing had actually EATEN whatever pet I tried to house in that horrible tube. As I tried to close the barrier, the rat effortlessly detoryed the plastic partition and freed itself from the tube, then fell to the floor and scampered into the backdoor of my house.. followed by several of it's bretheren. Anyway, I was about to start panicking when my eyes shot open and I woke suddenly from the nightmare, kind of sickened but happy it was not reality. Snapped out of it and got ready for work. So yeah, good day!

cut scene

3::49am, just arrived back at my parent's house in the 'ham. Not a terribly cold new year's (as some have been in the past), and certainly quite a mellow one (well... for the most part - but definitely compared to some wild ones in the past, as far as puking out of speeding cars and kissing random drunken chicks in the streets and all of that goes). Ah, youth.

We went to Jon n Adam's place, Adam and his girlfriend were way too kind to us and cooked up a helluva meal. Some of the tastiest food I have had in awhile (yeah, my Mom cooked us quite a nice dinner the other night as well). It was a small get together, but good to see some faces whom I have not been in contact with in quite a long time. Of course before long we pulled out Rock Band (yeah I know it is getting cliche) and belted out for awhile, whew I get a sore throat after some sessions of that. It's all good fun though.

And now we're home, and it's shortly past midnight back in LA. I am sure all my friends back there are livin' it up wild-style, though we were rather sober this particular New Year's. (yeah, me, the partier, staying dry on one of the biggest get-tanked nights of the whole year... hahaha). That's fine.. when I am home with my old gang, I'd prefer to keep it from getting nuts so i can actually remember these good times, rather than know it happened but lose all the details - as so often happens when I cut loose...

Flying back to Los Angeles tomorrow evening, and I suppose back to work on the next day. Sigh. I am not ready to go back! I need another week to unwind - kick up my feet and take it easy and relax and be left the heck back! It feels weird to think of that though. it feels weird to think of what is up next - even if it is normal. This past year has flown by too quickly, it feels too strange to believe it is 2008, that 2007 has whizzed by just like that. It was a bizarre year in my life, just like most of them have been, a lot of memorable moments - some exciting ones, some quite stressful ones. Just a year I kind of wanted to put behind me in some ways, though it wasn't necessarily "a bad year." I don't know what to expect of the coming one - I try not to have hopes, or outlandish desires and dreams of what will come. I yearn for more stability, but still crave the excitement, the novelty, something to jar me. Sigh - we will see.

train kept a-rollion'

whew, a couple minutes of free time in between the gallavantin', might as well check in with Ye Olde Internete.

Things are alright, the last few days have been sorta hectic I suppose. Friday I guess we sorta hung out (Brother drove in from Boston so we could get some hotdogs, we drove back to Cambridge to pick up his girlfriend and then back here to Framingham to have dinner with the folks, plus my Uncle. my Low-Carb Uncle). Saturday my mother brought May and I to meet her manicurist in Natick (yes, that is how you know it must be serious!) and then I graced my belly with a Number Nine from D'Angelo's. We caught a ride back to the city with my brother once again, stopped to visit friends Dante and Mary in Brighton before catching a taxi to Central Square in Cambridge. Earlier in the day (err the day prior, I think) my buddy Joe informed me that the Mighty Mighty Bosstones were doing their traditional year-end string of shows in a little local club, The Hometown Throwdown at The Middle East - though the band haven't performed together publicly in about 5 years or so (likewise they've not recorded anything since). I was always a fan of those guys, though I've only seen them barely a handful of times - but I'd never been to one of the Throwdown shows, so it was sort of the case where "it's a bitch to set it up now when I'd really rather be picking up with my buddies, but I KNOW I will regret skipping the show!" My buddy found an extra ticket for me (the show was sold out) and I managed to get another one (for my girl) from a scalper out in front just before the opening act started up.

The show was fun! I have only been to the landmark Middle East a couple of times, likewise, but each time was extremely memorable (God Lives Underwater, Hum, Rocket from the Crypt) - and now the Bosstones. So yeah some of my all time favorites, certainly. I yakked with my friends and put down a few vodka drinks while we waited for the main act to take the stage (fittingly, they did so when I was squattin' over the pot). I rushed out and into the mosh pit with my mates. Now - I have been to a few shows in my day, and certainly to my fair share of dance nights since I've relocated out west. I am usually the long gangly idiot out there in the middle of the dance floor tearing it up like a caveman, my giant hair thrashing about and my legs and arms kickinng and bashing all over the place like an out-of-control retarded babboon or something. Usually it's not taken to, too well (I got kicked out of a vegas club for dancin' like that) and folks will generally shy away from me when I behave thusly in Los Angeles (well.. sort of). Mind you I am not generally trying to piss anyone off, it's just where I have come from, I am a product of the punk rock and the grunge band style of dancing, if you could call it that.. but yeah! In the nineties, that was how we danced, all crazy and violent and thrashy. And it was accepted, generally, and you sort of had a connection with one-another in the middle of it, you'd smash into one another but you'd also protect each other from falling on, or getting squished or run-down. It was interesting, I suppose. Anyway that's all gone the way of the Dodo, so to speak, but it was pretty much the scene at the concert last night, a return to (caveman!) times passed. The setlist they played was alright, a mix of decent and "eh" songs (hard to be picky I guess, but you will always complain if you're me) Still we all knew the words to all the tunes, and screamed them out, exasperated, as we belted one another every which way. It was fun, though, a nice release! Real Boston crowd too (appropriately). lots of dudes dressed like House of Pain not 'cause they were trying to rip that style, but because it is their local style (which I guess got defined by bands like that .. so yeah.. I guess they WERE ripping that style) but whatever. Lots of Irish and Jewish looking faces in that crowd. I was just psyched the drinks didn't cost an arm and a leg. I pretty much tore off my Tshirt about halfway through the set, since it was completely sopping wet with booze and sweat as if I'd just come in out of a rainstorm. The sole of my trusty boot got ripped (finally!) and I got a nice little gash on my finger, but all in all I would say it was a great time = no regrets. Thanks for the hookups, Joe and Terry!

Today I have been hanging out locally in the neighborhood, I gave my girl the driving tour of the area where I grew up (the houses we lived at, the schools I went to, the house where my neighbor went crazy and eviscerated his poor wife and stuck her organs on sticks all over the yard, that sort of thing). We will head into the city soon, once again, to meet some friends for dinner. I feel bad for the poor kid "now here's some MORE people to meet, and here's some MORE and etc etc"

Right now I should go give some attention to the poor dog they got, which is really young (less than a year) and exploding with energy and no outlet for it. So he just cries and bites stuff all day long.